Transcription
Your existence has a purpose, and if we don't have that, then we're in trouble. People don't get depressed from pain or from tragedy; they get depressed from the belief that it happened for no reason. Then life means nothing, and that kills us.
How do we find purpose? Purpose has to exist before you do. You don't make a car and then try to figure out what its purpose is. It's not my purpose; it's the purpose for which I exist.
Welcome back to Inspire Change with Jordan Mulligan, and today I'm joined by one of the most famous rabbis in the world, Rabbi Manis Friedman. He has written some incredible books on philosophy, faith, religion, relationships, and so much more, and today I dive into tons of those conversations. It was a really interesting one for me. Faith is something that I have looked into a little bit more, but exploring the themes around that is super interesting, and Manis Friedman breaks it down in a way that I've never heard before.
Today's video is sponsored by Hu, and they've just sent me the New Black Edition personalized box, which I'm super excited about. It says to Jordan, "Ready for the ultimate meal in a bottle? Get excited to try our most anticipated product yet—introduction of the new Hu Black Edition ready to drink." I'm going to dive into this later on in the video, but thank you so much to Hu for sending this through. I think this is going to be an absolute game changer, but before that, let's dive into this amazing episode with Rabbi Manis Friedman, where we dive into some incredible philosophies like you've never heard before.
Get your pens, get your papers 'cause this one is one of those where you're going to hear new theories and new teachings. Let's dive into it.
Just for people who don't know, could you introduce yourself and what you do?
I'm Manis Friedman. I'm a rabbi. I talk a lot on various subjects because there are so many things that are painful, confusing, and discouraging. We don't have the information; ignorance is terrible. When you're talking about subjects that are relevant and fundamental to life, to be ignorant is the most painful thing. Whatever we studied in the Yeshiva and I had some really, really great teachers, thank God, got to share it on every fundamental topic, which you know, if it's fundamental, it's also universal. So everyone needs to know this; not knowing it is too painful, and knowing it is the biggest blessing.
The idea that the teachings are universal: Do you need to be within the faith to apply these teachings to your life?
No, you don't need to be within any particular faith because then it wouldn't be universal. It's essential to life, to the human condition. All human beings share some common needs, and those needs have been neglected. We're misinformed about many of it, much of it, and we need to straighten it out.
Something I was going to say actually towards the end, but while we're on this sort of subject, I maybe go over it now is the idea of a life without faith. If you led a life... I saw the video you did with a reaction to Ricky Gervais, and there was a clip that he put out about like where you're born is basically how you find your religion. I listened to your points, but my question about it was: Can you lead a life without faith and do good still? You know? I feel like humans have this innate want or need to do good; that's my feeling. But can you do that without faith? Is there a downside to not finding faith and still trying to push forward with that?
First of all, what is faith? Faith in a religion, faith in an afterlife? When I talk about faith, I mean, faith in a creator is absolutely essential because if you don’t know you’re created, then you don’t know why you’re here. Not knowing why you’re here is quite frustrating. We have this little hangup: We want things to make sense. It's a curse, but that's where we're stuck with it. And if we don’t know why we’re here, nothing makes sense.
There was, I remember, in the '50s, the big debate, the big question was: Can you be moral without religion? Yes and no. You can intend to be moral; you can want to be moral, but if you don’t know what moral is, you're going to end up being immoral. For example, assisted suicide: People who support it are trying to be moral; they can't stand to see people suffer. The answer is: Is suicide moral? It's morally intended, but it's not moral. How are we supposed to know that?
So without God, we would try to be moral, but we wouldn't know moral from immoral. We wouldn't know a good guy from a bad guy. I think we're suffering from that a lot these days.
So there is a certain natural leaning towards morality, but what's moral does not come with birth; that you have to learn.
When we talk about our audience, I know we spoke about this before the video; a lot of them have gone through life without faith, and that's been their way of life. That's their understanding of the world. And maybe, you know, they're quite far down the path of not believing in God or believing in a faith. How do they go back or look into themselves to find faith, to find God? How would they look inward, especially with so much compounding over the years of not believing and not, you know, not letting go of that belief?
There is a God; let’s not give up the false impression. Eighty percent of human beings believe. Some would be better off without their beliefs, but they believe. There’s a tiny, tiny minority that believes in nothing.
But what does it mean to believe in God? The first thing is: What do you mean by God? Something, it's hard to believe in something big. The simple definition of God for every thinking person: God means whatever existed originally, from which all else derives. That's the definition of God—the original existence from which all existence derives.
The most popular belief is the theory of evolution. The theory of evolution is that everything came into existence from a subatomic particle. Well, that means your God is a subatomic particle. It existed, and from it, everything else came to be.
Well, there’s your God. In other words, it is not a leap of faith to assume that there was something rather than nothing because something doesn’t come from nothing. So the definition of God is what was there originally from which everything else derived.
We know that the world didn't always exist; the universe didn't always exist. It started at some point, and it came from somewhere. Well, wherever it came from, that's God.
So now you have a choice: You can either have a God that is a subatomic particle that can't think, it just explodes, or you have an original being, like a subatomic particle, but it can also think.
The big difference is not the intelligence; the big difference is thinking implies purpose. A thoughtful being will do something purposeful, not for no reason.
The most important thing we need to know, especially young people, is your existence is not an accident; it's not a mistake; it's not just another link in a chain of evolution. Your existence has a purpose, and if we don’t have that, then we’re in trouble. But to have a purpose, there had to be a purposeful creator—that’s what we mean by God—the original being who had a purpose in making everything else exist.
Whereas the subatomic particle, if it did exist originally and didn't need to be created, I don't know why it wouldn't. Whatever came from it does not know and can't control. In other words, it’s purposeless.
This is a compliment to the human being: We can handle tragedy; we've always have. We can handle pain; we always have. We can't handle senselessness—that makes us crazy. People don't get depressed from pain or from tragedy; they get depressed from the belief that it happened for no reason. If this can happen for no reason, then anything can happen, for then life means nothing, and that kills us.
We need to make sense of life.
I want to say this as well, just to not paint our audience like these non-believers. I think your definition was really wonderful about them believing in something; it’s more the parameters that they're not too sure of what they believe in.
The idea of having faith in difficult times, you know, really tragic moments in your life, I think this is something we get a lot, and it's something actually I experienced personally through a loss in my life. I remember thinking, if there was a God, then why would this happen? Why? What would the reason be for this?
At the time, that's how I felt. I think it's a question that's asked quite often: What if there is a loving God? Why would he be so cruel? It is the ultimate question.
But what's the alternative? It's like somebody said: You believe in God? Yeah. Oh, why was there a Holocaust? Okay, I don't believe in God. Now why was there a Holocaust?
In other words, if there's no God, then the Holocaust definitely happened for no reason. If there is a God, maybe there is a reason. I prefer the second.
Yeah, yeah, makes perfect sense when you put it out that way. You mentioned purpose there, and I think another thing is when we have depression and anxiety, like you said, that can come from not having a feeling of having purpose, not having a feeling of having direction.
One hundred percent. Again, I think a large portion of our audience feels that at times or has felt that at a certain moment of not having purpose and feeling like it's all pointless.
How do we find purpose? If we can agree that the need for purpose, the search for purpose, is universal, it's deeply embedded in the human system. It's not a philosophical question; it's an urgent, visceral question. If that's the case, that is the best proof that there is an intentional creator.
If in fact we existed with no purpose, why do we keep looking for one? I mean, you can't be homesick if you never had a home. You can't be looking for your purpose if there is no purpose. Some people maybe out of desperation, but everybody throughout all of history.
Unless this search for purpose is some kind of a mental condition or disorder, the fact that we all search for a purpose means that there is a purpose. We're not all crazy.
What does it mean to have a purpose?
You know, I'm 30 years old, and I wake up, and I decide, you know what? I think my purpose is to become a doctor. Now that's not your purpose; that's your choice. Purpose has to exist before you do. You don't make a car and then try to figure out what its purpose is. First, you have a purpose, and then it drives you or guides you in producing that which fulfills the purpose.
So when we say, "What is my purpose?" purpose doesn't mean I should sit back and make one up. It means, am I here for a purpose or am I not?
So whose purpose? The creator. Either the creator had a purpose in creating me, or I was created without a purpose and therefore there will never be a purpose.
It's a little confusing. I say my purpose; it's not my purpose. It's the purpose for which I exist. But whose purpose? The creator, because I didn't create myself.
So I think the two are really inseparable. If you think life is purposeful, you believe in a purposeful creator, not in a subatomic particle.
The idea we have people come through all the time of how do I find my purpose, and I think there is that want to wake up tomorrow and have it and to decide, like you said, like I'm going to be this, I'm going to do this, that seems to be a strong theme that we have.
Sure, but if you make it up, you can also change your mind a year later.
Yeah, exactly, and there goes your purpose.
How do you find it naturally though? How do you be on the path to being open to going, right, I'm here; I know I've arrived?
Well, first of all, you have to find the creator who has that purpose. So let’s say God created you for a purpose. How do you find the purpose? Well, you’re not going to find it; either he’ll tell you or you'll never know.
You can't guess. You’re talking about God; you're going to figure out God’s purpose?
So when your grandfather says, you know, 3,000 years ago God came down to Sinai and spoke to 2 million people to tell them what their purpose is, say, “Oh, that makes sense.” If he has a purpose, he's going to communicate it.
Well, where did he come? Oh, at Mount Sinai. Okay, fine. It is not even a leap of faith. It's just like, yeah, of course. That there is a creator is not a leap of faith. It's like saying everything began at the beginning. Is that a faith? No, that's an unavoidable reality.
So it all began at the beginning. Something that existed made other things exist. That’s the theory of evolution. Something that existed made everything else exist, but we know that it was intended.
So this being that always existed that created everything else, that has a purpose for our existence, is not going to tell us—? That’s ridiculous!
So somewhere down the line, he told us.
Now, some very religious people claim that they had a personal conversation with God, and God told them what their purpose is—which would be very nice—but most of the people who say that don’t seem to have much of a purpose; they don’t amount to much, they don’t accomplish much. They’re just overwhelmed by the fact that God gave them a purpose.
So the purpose would have to be public. It would have to be universal. It would have to be an undeniable fact in history—an event, not a belief.
So there’s the Bible. Now we understand the Bible very differently. It’s not a set of rules to tell me how to avoid getting damned; it’s God revealing his purpose.
What’s in it for him? It is absolutely amazing! If everyone in the world woke up tomorrow morning and said, "What’s in it for God?" we would have such a nice world.
Just asking that question: What’s in it for him? Now we’re immediately more noble; we’re immediately less selfish. We’re not narcissists.
What’s in it for him? That is 98% of all our problems solved because if I’m thinking what’s in it for him, I’m not going to kill you, I’m not going to steal from you, I’m not going to lie to you. Why would I?
Only if I think this is my world, my life, my plan, my needs, well then I’ll do whatever it takes to get my way.
So just that little shift in thinking: Don’t wake up in the morning saying, “What do I need?” Now wake up in the morning thinking, “What does he need? Why did he do this? What's in it for him?”
That’s called serving God—not begging God to serve you. And that’s where religion can be a little toxic.
Definitely! I think the idea of prayer can induce that a lot—the idea of asking to receive—seems to be a...
Yeah.
I grew up in a Catholic school. I wouldn't define myself as Catholic, but around the view that we had was that that’s what prayer was. I mean, maybe it's just not talked about very well, but that’s the idea of what prayer was when you needed help or healing on something, you would pray to God for that.
It kind of links on to my next point of the idea of the desire for things, the desire for wealth, money, and the fine line between that and ambition to succeed. Again, a lot of our audience has dreams of succeeding in business, entrepreneurship, and athletic endeavors, but there’s this fine line between the desire for goods and wants for goods versus the ambition to achieve something.
I'm curious as to where you can draw the line. Can you have ambition for things and success and money?
We do, whether we like it or not. But what is the difference between greed and ambition?
If you say you’re greedy, everyone looks down on you. If you say, “I’m ambitious,” everybody respects you. Why is that?
I personally couldn't—it’s asking for too much. Wanting for too much more than you could use for yourself or for the people around you, I guess. But if you're hyper-ambitious, that’s fine, and you’re going to get to the top of the heap because it’s all ego-driven, that’s for sure.
We’ve come to rely on our ego for everything: We’ll figure it out, I’ll find my way, I’ll accomplish, I’ll be successful, I respect myself, so I will not be taken advantage of. In other words, all my strength, all my confidence is in my ego.
Should something come along and humble my ego, I’m finished. If I can’t be the best, I quit, or I go someplace else because I’m not going to compete.
That’s the blessing of serving God. Meaning it's not my ego that gives me purpose, direction, strength, confidence; it’s my purpose.
If God created me with a purpose, then there’s no way I’m going to fail, and I don’t need to have an ego to give me ambition, because to fulfill a purpose is a natural divine instinct, not an ego instinct.
So here’s an interesting way of defining the human being. You know, people complain that in society today men have been devalued. "Men are all bad," especially white males. Anyway, "the white privileged male is the lowest figure on the totem pole."
Actually, the human being—we have devalued the human being terribly. First of all, by believing that we're descendants of apes. You know, it’s a big chunk of our pride gone right there, and it reduces us to just a more developed animal, and that’s not true.
So here’s a good definition: There are minerals, there are vegetables, there are animals, and there are humans.
The mineral is perfectly content to be a mineral. In fact, it almost makes no demands. Water has no demands; it is what it is and it’s fine.
The vegetable is also fine, but it does have some demands, like, “Don’t uproot me” and “Don’t let me die from lack of water or lack of sunshine.”
If the vegetable, the plant, the tree, the flower gets a little sunshine, a little water, and nobody steps on it, it’s fine; it loves being a plant, and it shows in the color, the smell, the aroma, and the growth.
Minerals don’t have much pleasure; that’s why they don’t grow; they don’t have beauty.
An animal is even more excited about its life, and if you don’t cage it or shoot it, it’s perfectly happy being an animal.
The human being is different—essentially different. The nature of a human being is that he’s not content to be human. That’s a radical difference from the other three.
To be human, bare minimum definition: A human being, unlike the animal and unlike the vegetable, is not content to be human.
So live and let live; that’s good for animals, not for humans. Just leave me alone and I’m fine? No, I’m not.
That’s what drives us to find a purpose because to just be what I was born doesn’t feel like an accomplishment. I was born a human; I died a human. What’s the point?
So without religion, without faith, without philosophy, a human being is not content to just be human. We’re not animals or vegetables, although we can act like it.
So there’s more to the human being—a lot more than we’re given credit for, and when we don’t live up to that human definition, it’s terribly frustrating. We feel shackled; we feel suffocated. We’re not being human.
If we don’t see a purpose and we don’t accomplish something more than human, well that leads us to the ultimate question. What’s more than human?
What can I be that is more than human? A perfect athlete? That’s not more than human; the fastest mile—not quite as fast as a deer. So, you know, you’re not more than human.
Angels see religion. Religion says if you behave or whatever you do, everything right, and so on, then when you die, you become an angel.
Well, first of all, I don’t want to know what happens when I die; I want to know what I’m doing here, here.
So all this talk about what happens after you die is really not interesting. It’s our red herring.
Actually, secondly, being an angel is greater than a human.
I think not. An angel has only one talent. Human beings have many. There’s the angel of kindness; that’s all it can do. There’s the angel of mercy; that’s all it can do. It’s a one-trick pony.
A human being can be kind. A human being can be stern. A human being can be compassionate. A human being can be devoted. We’ve got a whole chest of goodies. We’re much greater than the angels.
That’s why God comes down to Mount Sinai, bypasses the angels, because you can’t talk to them, tells humans to serve him.
And by definition, serving him means doing what he needs, not getting him to do what I need.
That’s not serving him. So in many ways, religion has made God unreachable and the human being miserable.
That’s what we’re told: You’re in trouble; you’re weak; you’re very, very fragile; you need help all the time; you can’t manage anything by yourself, and it just goes on and on and on.
Like why are we depressed? The opposite: God is sitting there in heaven; He couldn’t care less.
What a lousy picture of life! So here I am need endless things: I need to be saved, I need to be taught, I need to be protected, I need to be blessed. I would give up.
I don’t need this. And how did I get to be so needy? Thank you very much.
So, you’re going to help me with my need? Who made me needy?
God needs his world to become godly. He created us as his agents; I don’t need anything, I just work here.
So first of all psychologically, that is the healthiest attitude you’re ever going to find, and it is so inspiring that the Creator depends on me. I don’t need an ego after that.
So should we be ambitious? Of course, we should—but not selfishly.
We should be ambitious enough to think that we could change the world and turn it into something divine.
And can you share, have you seen or experienced someone’s change when they’ve gone from ego-driven ambition to, you know, faith-driven ambition?
I’ve seen it in inmates—prisoners who are probably never going to get out. And telling them this—’cause you know if you’re a prisoner, you’re pretty much obsessed with your needs. You fight for everything; you’re needy for everything; you’re in a pretty bad shape, telling prisoners—I'm talking serious criminals, the worst of the worst—but telling them that they’re not here to solve their own needs or wants or weaknesses. They’re here to do something for God.
So here in prison, wake up in the morning and ask yourself, "What can I do for God?" The change in these people is absolutely stunning.
It is the most dramatic: They lose even physically; they lose that hard callous jaded look. They’re suddenly alive like normal human beings.
They wake up; they’re excited; they do things; they feel like they’re needed instead of needy.
Well, we’re making a documentary on it in California, interviewing all these inmates and the warden and the families. Unbelievable! Like one guy said, “Now that I’ve studied this, and now that I know this, when I call home, my family wants to talk to me.” They never did.
Yeah, they’re back among the living.
Is it a case of removal of the ego, the selfishness? What did you put it down to?
Well, what I’m basically saying is that the ego is a lie. I am not that needy. I’m dependent, sure. Can’t go without food, can’t go without sleep; I’ve got all sorts of handicaps, but they’re not my problem.
I’m not here to eat, and I’m not here to sleep or even to be the best at whatever I want to be the best at. I’m here to make the world more like God’s taste. Make it his kind of world. That’s where morality comes from. It may even be the definition of morality. Anything that is more like God’s taste is good. Anything that is against God’s taste is bad.
Now I have a definition. It used to be anything that goes against my taste was bad, but then I run into people who happen to like the things I hate, and I don’t know who’s right.
So faith and religion: If we’re looking through God’s, um—what he wants is we’re putting it through like this filter, this, you know, moral filter of what is good; what is bad.
How then do we decide which faith to pick? You know, or which God to believe in? Are they all good? Do they all lead to a better place?
If it involves God in the equation, you’d believe that if we took our egos out of it, then every belief in God would lead you to serving him. But we don't think that way.
Religion hasn't taught that. Religion keeps telling you how much you can benefit by being a believer. That’s going to lead to corruption; you’re feeding the ego. You’re not going to get good results.
You can become spiritually gluttonous or exclusionary. I mean, there’s no arrogance like religious arrogance. There’s no evil like religious evil, 'cause you’re convinced God is on your side.
And now we’re talking about the other side of it.
Yeah, which I think can be scary to people wanting to get into it or...
Yeah, it can be off-putting; that’s a good word for it.
You know, a bunch of people infiltrated into Israel, massacred babies and elderly and chopped them up—just horrible, horrible things—and they’re successful in their raid. So now they’re sure God is on their side.
See how the ego can twist things? Because you succeeded, God is on your side. You were successfully evil, so God must be approving of you.
How do you get that twisted?
I must be doing what God wants by being evil, because I succeeded.
A little moral clarity there.
It’s like you say, this idea of fulfilling yourself within religion, but to the extremist. I mean, that’s just obviously a very, very extreme example, but yeah, it is—you know, this idea of serving God correctly and doing it in the right way, but then that becoming serving yourself.
I see it all the time. One of the biggest things is the—did you say religious arrogance?
It was religious gluttony, but the idea of a superiority complex through, you know, following faith, but even following it incorrectly.
Again, something that can be massively off-putting. But how then, how would you welcome people into religion if you—? I guess you weren't offering...
It’s like this Catch-22, but how offering something that fulfills their ego or fulfills them personally.
The biggest fulfillment in human beings is to live out my purpose. That is the most fulfilling thing that exists. Fulfilling an ego is not satisfying because it’s endless; it’s a bottomless pit.
What I’m envisioning or imagining, if everyone regardless of your religion, if you said to your teachers, to your priests, ministers, clergy, whatever it is: “How is this serving God?” Don't change the entire religion, just change this one little detail: How is this serving God?
I think we would have a pretty good world.
It’s not hard to convince people that that’s how they should think, 'cause it just makes a lot of sense. I didn’t create myself; why in the world should I put up with this?
As long as my life is nice and comfortable and pleasurable, okay. When it's not, who's needs it?
People who do it outside of the framework of religion—I know I mentioned this towards the start of the conversation—but people who do it outside of the framework of religion, but still are fulfilling that criteria of doing what God would want and doing it to, you know, bring a holy—like, I don’t know if the word is holy—a world that is in God’s vision, but outside of faith: Is that still a possibility? Is that still some noble? Is it still something that they should pursue, or should they still try to find some kind of, you know, lean towards God by faith?
You mean organized religion?
Yeah, these sort of typical organized religions. You know, I think it’s the other way around. Organized religion has to find its way to God, not people who believe in God have to find a religion. I think it’s the other way around.
And that definition—if somebody is living a life that is serving God, but they’ve just not got that bracket around it, in your eyes, they are—they just maybe don’t have a word for it or...?
Yeah, and if all of those guys get together, we have a new religion.
So a religion originally simply meant people who shared the same belief, shared it with each other, which is very important. You don’t want to feel isolated or alone, because the purpose—God’s purpose—cannot be achieved by one person. It’s either everybody, or something is still missing.
So no human being is unnecessary. If I am committed to giving God the world that he wants, then everybody else is my concern too because if I’m the only one doing it, it’s not what God wants.
So I got to encourage people to do the same; that’s going to create a community. But it’s a community that is God-oriented, not people-oriented. So it won’t lead to holy wars.
That’s exactly what I wanted to ask is where the misinterpretation comes from, where there can be holy wars and, you know, wars between different religions.
If I think I’m right and you’re wrong, then I need to prove it, especially if I’m not 100% sure that I’m right. Then I really need to beat you up just to convince myself that I’m right.
So all the wars come from uncertainty. When you’re certain, you don’t need to beat anybody up.
So it’s a sign of a lack of faith. If you go to war for your faith...
I mean, that makes sense.
What are you trying to prove?
Yeah. Who are you trying to convince?
Yeah. The bully—the insecure bully in the room, kind of thing. Yeah, that makes sense.
You’ve spoken a lot in videos about anxiety before. I’m curious how that ties into faith and into also the time that we’re in at the moment. Is that something you’ve seen on the rise with anxiety?
It’s definitely something we’ve seen questioned amongst the young male audience we have. Anxiety has come up quite a lot.
Anxiety simply means I don’t know why I’m here. That’s all the anxiety you need.
I don’t even know why I’m here? How can I not be anxious?
So anxious is not like fear; fear means there’s something scaring me. Anxiety is, you know, you can’t define it; you can’t point a finger at it; it’s just an overall feeling of aimlessness.
And of course, now you’re in the middle of a forest with no map and you don’t know where you’re going. You’re anxious about what? About not knowing where you’re going.
So again, it’s a bit of a compliment to the human being. If I don’t know where I’m going, it disturbs me. It doesn’t disturb a plant because it doesn’t want to go anywhere, and it doesn’t disturb an animal because he’s perfectly content being an animal.
But with the human being—I mean there are people who are flippant about it, and yeah, life has no purpose; there’s no meaning. Just enjoy! Whatever.
They’re not sincere. Deep down inside, there’s a hole that is unfillable because human beings can’t function that way.
It’s just bravado, and they’re cavalier about everything. “Who cares? You know, you’re here; whatever. You only come once, right? You only—so just enjoy; do whatever you want. And don’t worry about it.”
I’m sure they’re living on some substance, 'cause you can’t...
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Let's dive back into the video.
I had this moment not too long ago where sort of all my basic needs were taken care of for the rest of my life. It was like a moment where I realized that.
And I had that thing of like, let’s—you know, we could not let, but we could sit back now and relax and do nothing and, you know, have that picturesque retirement that people sort of think of.
And it was the most probably anxiety-ridden thought! Like the idea of that and not having purpose or having a vision or mission to work towards felt awful.
And I think a lot of people think that’s what they want as well. You know, I want this; I want to be sipping a mojito on the beach for the rest of my life, and I’ll be happy.
And I’m curious as to—are you almost saying that purpose cures anxiety?
Exactly right! And this also is how we destroyed marriage. The only reason to get married is because you want to be more than what you are.
But we’ve reduced marriage to getting what you want. If you’re thinking that by getting married you will have your needs satisfied, this is not a marriage.
This is not going to be pleasant; it’s going to be abusive, and you might be better off without it.
The whole idea of marriage is: What can I do that is bigger than me?
The simple answer is: Start a family. It’s bigger than you. You become responsible to your family. You’re not an individual; you’re not single; you’re not an individual anymore. Now, you’re a clan; you’re a tribe; you’re a community—small but significant.
So the purpose and the desire for marriage should be: I got to be more than just me.
If you just want to be you and get all the fun out of it, don’t get married. Don’t do this to anybody. It’s mean.
If we were to take children or family out of the equation, we’re talking just about being more than what you are as a couple. What does that look like?
Is that in terms of trying to reach a higher purpose or a bigger goal or, you know, impact more people? Like, what does that look like?
I think the first benefit is I stop being a narcissist. If it’s just me, that’s narcissism.
If everyone in the world exists for my pleasure, that is narcissism. To say, “No, no, no, I need to be there for someone else. I need to be more than just me.” That is the most vulnerable and the most humble impulse or instinct: I need to be more than me.
So just as we wake up in the morning thinking, "What can I do for God?" you got to wake up in the morning thinking, "What can I do for my spouse?"
If you’re not thinking like that, you’re probably fighting.
Have you seen the—might be a strong word—but sort of this conversation around the idea of the roles in marriage and the woman is supposed to do X, Y, and Z, and the man is supposed to do X, Y, and Z?
Is there a point to that? Is there anything to that of serving your role? Is there any sort of fact—not fact, but truth to that?
Well, it’s the same dynamic as in our relationship with God. We all intend to be good. Every guy gets married and intends to be the best husband in the world, and every woman intends to be the best wife. Somehow, it doesn’t happen so frequently. Where do we go wrong?
'Cause we’re making up as we go what it takes to be a good husband. The guy is being a good husband according to what he believes is a good husband.
Now, his wife happens to think that a good husband does very different things. Well then she’s crazy, and there you go.
So it’s all again down to that question, similar to waking up and saying, “How can I serve God?” It’s: How can I serve my partner?
The only way to know is by asking. Communication.
Yeah, don’t make it up.
So what’s the difference between being in a relationship versus being married?
It could be that emotionally there is no difference. If it’s a really good relationship, there’s no difference. You’re totally committed; you’re totally enmeshed; you’re totally stuck on each other. And if you should ever separate, it’ll feel like an amputation—exactly like a marriage.
But usually, people who don’t get married and have a relationship are careful to make sure that they don’t get that entangled.
Otherwise, you might as well be married.
So you say, “Let’s live together but not get married.” What are you doing? What are you protecting? What are you holding back on?
Nothing? Then you’re married! You didn’t have a wedding, but you’re married.
So marriage creates a bond between a husband and wife that will feel like an amputation if they ever get separated.
Amputation means a piece of me is gone.
That can happen in any relationship, but then you’re married. You don’t have any freedom because you didn’t have a wedding party. You’re just as stuck on each other.
So why not be married? It’s not a real relationship if it’s optional.
There is no love without vulnerability. If losing you doesn't destroy me, then I don’t love you.
I enjoy you; I’m taking advantage of you. I don’t love you.
Which is another thing about religion—the religion that says God loves you very much, but he has no skin in the game. If you don’t merge with him, it’s all your loss. He couldn’t care less, but he loves you very much.
Love without vulnerability is manipulation.
People are afraid to get married 'cause they don’t want to be that vulnerable.
I would say that’s definitely something that comes up in conversation when, you know, we talk about marriage.
This idea of not getting married is more prevalent now, I would say. There’s a large portion of people. But I do tend to agree; I think some of it is leaving the door open to make sure that there’s an exit route or some kind of way out.
But also the idea of vulnerability.
If losing you doesn’t destroy me, I really like that quote because it’s powerful.
It requires stepping into a relationship; huge amounts of vulnerability to put yourself on the chopping block like that is really, really tough.
What’s the introduction of God into that equation when we talk about marriage, particularly?
Well, if you can’t surrender to a relationship, it is not a relationship. It’s just bartering for goods.
You give me this, I’ll give you that; it's not a relationship.
If you don’t surrender to it, which makes you vulnerable, then it’s not a real relationship. You don’t surrender to God, you know: “I’ll talk to you later; I have no time right now” and it’s not a relationship.
And the same with a marriage.
But here’s something that men need to hear: What is a husband?
Nobody knows. Ask around: What is a husband?
Oh, it’s a man committed to a relationship; a man committed. A guy joins a major league baseball team; he’s committed. That makes him a husband.
You go into a partnership in a business; you’re committed. Commitment is not a description of a husband, ’cause there are many different commitments.
What is a husband?
A husband is the only creature in the world whose entire definition of self depends on someone else’s happiness.
There’s no one else that’s purely husband. A wife whose husband is not happy is concerned—not devastated—a husband whose wife is not happy is shattered. He’s a broken person; her happiness is so essential to who he is.
The only creature in the world. If you’re a parent and your children are not happy, you’re worried. You’re not devastated.
Only the husband—that’s it. A unique creature. Now a man marries a woman; he doesn’t really become a husband. He’s just a guy with a girl; he’s not devastated if she’s not happy.
In fact, he’s turned off. “You’re not happy? Who needs you?”
A husband is someone who is so identified with his wife that if she’s not happy, he’s not concerned; he’s devastated. He’s reduced to nothing; he’s a total loser.
Now why in the world would anyone want to be a husband? Because the benefits are even greater.
So if you’re afraid to completely identify with a wife to where she becomes your whole essence, your whole being, then you’re not going to get married.
But men have always gotten married and have always been husbands, and that’s why we’re still here. The human race is still functioning because men do become husbands—not so much today ‘cause we’ve destroyed everything, especially men.
So now men are so timid and so afraid, but we should try anyway.
What do you think the reason is behind the attack on the idea of what a man is over the last—I don’t know if you have an opinion on how long that has been, as well—over the last few years?
But has it stretched throughout history? Is it in the last five to ten years that that’s been the case?
It cuts both ways.
The respect for women has gone down; the respect for men has gone down. We’re disintegrating slowly; everything is going down.
You know, religiously, I would say it’s because you know we stopped believing in God and after that everything falls.
You could also say more, more immediate and practical: We lost respect for intimacy.
In the ‘60s, everyone decided that intimacy is not that important. It’s not that serious, it’s not that heavy; it’s just fun.
Now we’re paying the price.
If intimacy is not serious, then men’s and women’s relationships don’t have to be serious.
If they don’t have to be serious, then we just play the game and we use each other.
And as you use each other, you lose respect for each other. Everything falls apart; children grow up in an atmosphere of cynicism.
Like, “I don’t know why I’m married to you. I don’t know what I need you for. You’re just getting on my nerves.”
And children hear this; their impression of life itself becomes jaded before they even go to school.
So I think a good healthy respect for intimacy would change a lot.
Do you think people may have gone too far already and they might—you know, the idea of intimacy is ruined in their heads? Or can people, you know, relearn away?
They must be able to relearn it because it’s essential. We can’t live without intimacy.
Statistics—you know, as much as you can trust any statistic—show most married couples don’t have any intimacy at all; maybe once a month.
They’re just not interested, but that’s because the intimacy is not intimate. It’s just an exercise that is boring and exhausting.
And just not interested anymore.
Sex is disappearing. That’s what’s happening. People are more sexual, more free, but they don’t want it; they don’t care for it anymore.
The thought of getting involved in a sexual relationship is distasteful for most people, particularly the successful ones.
It was kind of a challenge, you know? The guy who can get the girl—wow! Now it’s like, “Who cares?”
So we’re going to become extinct. If people are not being intimate, there are going to be no babies.
You won’t even need birth control. You’re just going to disappear.
Like the Romans. They just faded out because first they were overindulgent in heterosexual sex; then they were overindulgent in homosexual sex.
What’s left? They just lost interest in sex. That’s it. No more children, no more Romans. Nobody killed them; they became extinct.
So this guy says, “I don’t need God to tell me how to have sex.” Is that true?
But if you want intimacy, you need a little advice.
Yeah, sex, anybody can have because it’s meaningless and degrading.
Intimacy is ennobling. Very different.
Same physical activity, but a completely different experience.
So we had tremendous respect for each other, partly because we had so much respect for intimacy.
Wasn't so long ago a man—a guy would never tell a dirty joke in the presence of a lady.
Was that a bad thing?
That was beautiful.
A woman walked in; men stood up. Is that offensive to the feminist?
And what was it that gave men respect for any woman? Intimacy. Intimacy was awesome, so men and women were awesome.
Intimacy became just a recreational activity.
So, yeah, we’ve lost all sanctity. Nothing is sacred, which means nothing is holy, which means nothing is respectable. Nothing deserves respect.
That’s not a life.
The change for that is personally: Is that just something we have to take on ourselves and start to respect that, and that will spread through community, through conversation?
All right, so let's talk to teenagers. You have to break everything down to—
So I say to them, a guy takes a girl on a date now; he expects to have some sex. She’s offended.
What is this game? After one date, are you kidding?
After two dates? Are you kidding?
Come on. What happened here? Who decided that three is no good, nine is...?
Ah, yeah! In other words, when does a guy gain rights to intimacy with a girl? When?
Never!
If I say, “Well, once we’re engaged?” No.
How about if we’re married? No!
You never have the rights to a woman’s intimacy. Never!
It’s not something you can own. Just like you can’t own her life, you can’t own her intimacy.
Intimacy is one of these awesome things that God never relinquished.
He didn’t give life away; he didn’t give intimacy away, because intimacy is too important for life.
So when God says how to be intimate, when to be intimate, with whom to be intimate, it’s because intimacy is a divine prerogative—not a human thing.
This is a terrible, again, loss of respect.
I brought you three Cokes and some popcorn. C’mon, I have rights!
And that thought alone is a violation. You never do!
After 30 years of marriage, you have no rights.
That would really change the dynamic between husband and wife, you know. When you talk about religion—the religion—some religions believe that that is a right.
Some people use faith to say that is a right.
Again, bending that sort of moral—or that interpretation of those guidelines and parts of faith to benefit themselves and take what they want.
It’s a misreading and a misunderstanding. If a woman refuses to be intimate with her husband, it’s grounds for divorce according to the Torah, according to God.
If she refuses to be intimate, it’s grounds for divorce. People take that to mean that the husband has rights. It doesn’t mean that at all.
God obligates women to be intimate in their marriage. If a woman refuses to be intimate, it’s between her and God. You don’t have any rights.
It’s like God tells me to feed the poor. So some poor guy knocks on my door and says, “Where’s my money?”
Excuse me, I don’t have your money.
Oh, yeah? God commands you to give me!
I said, “Well, that’s between me and God. You have no rights to my money.”
So God says, “Yes! If you’re going to be married, you gotta be intimate. That’s what God says, and you’re not God.”
So that is a misreading and misinterpretation.
It makes sense.
We’ve spoken about a few important things—well, very important things in relationships. Are there any other sort of cornerstones of a relationship?
We’ve spoken about communication; we’ve spoken about intimacy. Are there any other factors that are crucial to the success of a relationship?
Yeah, we also talked about respect—that is so essential.
You start to lose respect; you might as well get divorced right away.
Why wait until it becomes ugly?
The loss of respect is the beginning of the end, and it’s not easy to remain respectful when you’re living together, sharing everything.
It’s very easy to become jaded, take each other for granted, lower your standards.
When respect goes, it’s all over.
That’s another statistic, by the way. What holds couples together is not love; it’s respect.
Love can be the poison that kills the relationship. Respect never kills anything, 'cause love can be so selfish: “But I love you, so you gotta give me everything.”
“I respect you” doesn’t mean you have to give me anything.
So it’s really an impressive accomplishment to be married for 60 years and be respectful of each other. That’s beautiful!
So you know, husband and wife are running around in their underwear, and the doorbell rings, and they rush to get dressed. Who do you think is ringing the bell?
The pizza delivery guy, for him—you get dressed, but not for each other?
You have more respect for the pizza guy—that is not good!
The expression, “Hold on, I'm going to get decent.”—You mean with your husband you were indecent?
That’s great; your respect is already disappearing.
Now, it's a teenage idea that if we’re in love, we can do anything, and we’ll stay in love because love is all you need.
No, it’s not!
Oh, we can let our hair down; we can be messy.
We can—no you can’t!
Or better yet, the father who says to his daughter, “You can’t go out dressed like that.” That’s backwards!
If you dress like that, go out, the sentiment should be, “You can’t live in this house dressed like that!"
'Cause in this house, we have to get along and respect each other.
So if you want to run around without clothes, do it in a stadium full of people, 'cause who cares?
But not at home.
The home really does have to be the best, not the least!
There is a lot of information; there’s a lot of wisdom.
We weren’t born yesterday. Marriage didn’t start yesterday. If you go by the rules, you’ll have an incredible marriage, which produces an incredible family, which produces an incredible home.
And that really is the objective—A home!
If you have a home, you’re a powerful agent. Without a home, you’re lost.
So you have to create a home; you do that by creating a family, and you do that by creating a healthy relationship.
It’s not rocket science.
On the idea of love, I think a lot of people have these overwhelming feelings towards somebody, and because they feel it so intensely, they’re like, “This feels like it’s enough,” even though it’s not shown through respect or action to the other partner.
They feel, because these emotions are so strong, it’s enough.
Which I think kind of plays into somewhat what we spoke about around narcissism and having these, you know, this idea in your head.
I’m just curious as to just coming back to the idea of narcissism and where do you think it grew from?
Do you think it’s something that is more prevalent at the moment, at the moment, through including social media and the want and desire for things and the want and desire for stuff for yourself at all times?
It didn’t happen by itself. It’s almost a hundred years of brainwashing.
Hollywood. All of life has become Hollywood.
We don’t live real lives; we live Hollywood lives, and Hollywood’s message is: “Love is everything,” and you deserve everything, and you need to have everything.
We have been fed this message bombarded from all directions: Life on Earth is Hollywood now; it’s not real life!
So no, love is not going to keep you together, and it’s not all you need; that’s Hollywood.
And you don’t need this car, and you don’t deserve this car. These are all fake, brainwashing messages to get you to buy stuff.
That’s all it is!
And in the meantime, it completely destroys your moral fiber.
How sick is it to say if I love you, you are the most important person in the world? If I stop loving you, you’re nothing.
Is that frighteningly disturbing? Your value depends on my loving you!
That’s dangerous; it’s dangerous.
Romeo and Juliet, “If I can’t have you…”
Oh, that’s not narcissism; it’s terrible!
So all these beautiful shows, these beautiful movies and television shows full of love, it’s so toxic; it’s such poison.
Have you ever heard the word intimacy mentioned in any of these books or movies? Or have you heard the word respect? Disrespect?
Yes! Oh, you disrespected me!
But who respects anybody?
Nobody! And it’s frowned on; nobody respects! That’s not even acceptable!
Yeah, it’s pretty sad.
I wanted to go into some practical steps into some of the themes we’ve spoken about. What practical steps would you take to finding the right person to get in a relationship with?
Step number one: Do you have a life? When you ask someone to marry you, you're asking them to step into your life.
Do you have a life?
No, we’ll ride off into the sunset and make a life together?
No, you won’t!
You’re going to start depending on each other, then being disappointed in each other, and then blaming each other for not having a life.
Before you ask someone to join you, you got to have something to join.
What is your life? That’s the first compatibility issue.
Does she want to share the life you have or envision? If she doesn’t, then forget about it.
Are you going to give her the life she’s expecting to have? If not, forget about it.
Love is not bigger than life.
So not love first and then we’ll figure out life; no! That’s childish.
Secondly, if you’re going to get married as a man, you have to stop being a man and become a husband.
And as a woman, you have to stop being a woman and become a wife. People get married without any intentions of being husbands and wives—just a man and a woman because of Hollywood.
There’s no glamour in being a wife; they destroyed it. There’s certainly no glamour in being a husband.
There’s agony, there’s sacrifice; you know some of the movies are “husband and wife sacrificing for each other.”
So, yeah, there’s a lot cost, but no benefit to being a husband or being a wife.
So husbands and wives find each other indispensable.
You’re not a good husband without a wife, but you can be a healthier man without a woman.
You can be a healthier woman without a man.
So a man and a woman should not be in a relationship because they’re going to destroy each other. A husband and wife—that’s amazing!
So if you don’t intend to become a husband, don’t get married.
Don’t abuse women, 'cause using women is the same as abusing.
The third thing is respect. Don’t lower your standards at home.
Have higher standards at home—standards of respect, standards of decency, standards of dignity.
Don’t lower your dignity; not to your wife.
You lower your dignity, it makes it harder for her to respect you. If she can’t respect you, she doesn’t really love you.
If she doesn’t really love you, you’re going to hate her.
In the home, what do you see where maybe men are losing that respect?
Maybe they're losing their dignity in front of their wives?
Men who behave too needy lose their wives’ respect.
The wife expects the husband to be the hero; the buck stops there.
When everybody else is confused, the man takes the reins—that’s a husband.
A woman wants to know that she can lean on him. If he’s more needy than she is, this whole equation is off.
So if he’s always running after her for sex 'cause he’s so needy, she can’t respect that.
I was talking to this couple—she is complaining that he never does anything—never does anything!
Of course, that’s an exaggeration, right?
He says the exact opposite! “I have never, ever refused you anything you’ve asked for!”
What do you mean, “I don’t do anything?”
They went back and forth like this until finally, the wife said, “Okay, I’ve had it; enough of this counseling, enough of this therapy. Just let’s get divorced.”
He says, “If you want a divorce, I’ll give you a divorce.”
She turns to me and says, “You see, he never does anything!”
She meant he never initiates. I have to ask him for everything!
He’s saying, “I do everything; if you ask.”
She’s right! If she has to ask, he’s not taking charge; he’s not leading; he’s not initiating; he’s not being a husband.
Everything I ask you, you do; that’s my son, not my husband!
Everything I ask my son, he’ll do.
The masculine, feminine definition—not roles—what’s masculine, what’s feminine?
Big subject, and for that, you do need God to tell you.
But when we don’t know, we’re going to hurt each other without intending to.
So men have to be men; women have to be women; a husband has to be a husband; a wife has to be a wife.
You know the songs from Fiddler on the Roof?
Ever seen Fiddler on the Roof? There’s a song there called “Tradition.”
What is tradition? The father knows what it means to be a father, and a daughter knows what it means to be a daughter.
A mother knows what it means to be a mother, and a son knows what it means to be a son.
How? Tradition!
We’ve lost it!
Individually, how can we check?
How can we make sure that we are aligned with tradition?
Like what especially, again, like I said, the demographic of our of our channel is, you know, 25 to 35-year-old young men.
What should they be doing when they wake up in the morning, when they go to bed at night, in the middle of that day when they’re at work?
Like how should they carry themselves?
You know, all those kind of things; I know it’s—there’s so much to it, but how should they carry themselves as men to lead a more fulfilling life and towards purpose?
I heard from somebody that the difference between a traditional family and a modern family in a traditional family—children can’t wait to grow up.
In a modern family, people dread growing up and delay it as long as possible.
In a traditional family, a nine-year-old is like, “I want to be a mommy! I want to be a daddy!”
Can’t wait!
In a modern family, “What’s the hurry? Getting married? No! I’m only 30!”
What is the difference?
You set a standard, a lifestyle that children will want to step into.
You wear shoes that your children are going to want to step into; then you are successful.
If you’re living a life that to the children is not appealing, it’s not compelling, then you’ve failed.
You have a career, and you’re doing very well at your career; children are not interested! They don’t want your career; then you’ve failed, 'cause all you have is a career, and they don’t want it.
So you’ve left them nothing.
That’s not a healthy lifestyle.
A healthy lifestyle means a lifestyle that your children can’t wait to step into.
That’s a real life!
A career is not a real life—maybe a slice of life; not even.
So careers destroy families because it takes you away from your family.
It’s not something you’re giving your family; you’re giving them the money, hopefully, but not a lifestyle.
So children grow up thinking, “So, what am I going to be when I grow up?”
I don’t know? I can be anything? I can be nothing.
There’s no role model; they have to make it up as they go.
And of course, Hollywood encourages that: “Don’t listen to your father or mother; go off on your own and do whatever.”
And that is creating something that your children will want to step into.
In reverse, if you're doing something you don’t want your granddaughter to ever find out, don’t do it!
I think that’s the best way to decide whether something is good or bad; if it would embarrass you for your children to know, don’t do it.
I love that as a—yeah, 100%!
I think Hollywood is—poisoned that idea because when you say career, that it kind of lights me up in a way.
I think it’s probably to my detriment in some aspects for sure, and I’m curious as to whether you can balance career and family life?
Or is the ambition to be, you know, the perfect family and the career doesn’t really matter as much or doesn’t, you know, inspire our children as much?
A career is not a life; it’s just an income.
What are you living for if you live for your career?
You’re disturbed; you’re out of balance.
A career is not a life!
That’s why people dread retirement, because to them, their career was their life.
Retirement means dead!
The career should be a way to support your life, but what is your life?
See, in the olden days, a man left home to go to work, and the family appreciated it because they knew that he was going to bring them food.
He wasn’t leaving them.
Today, a career means, “Yeah, Dad’s gone; don’t even try to call him; he’ll be annoyed. His career is much more important than we!”
That’s the beginning of the end.
Since men developed careers in the Industrial Revolution, women have been raising children by themselves.
So around the '70s, women decided, “Hey, this is a one-parent family anyway; I’m going to work too.”
Now there are no parents!
So the problem began with men’s careers, which deteriorated into women’s careers, which left children homeless.
So yes, you should have a job, and you should have a job that makes a lot of money so that you can give your children a real life—not instead of a life!
In fact, I actually suggested this during corona: people were staying home not going to work, and I was saying after corona, “Don’t go back to work! You hate work!
The workplace is toxic; it’s a disgusting atmosphere!
It’s full of greed, full of competition, full of backstabbing!
The tension is terrible; the popping the pills, anxiety pills, anti-depression pills; it’s a really sick environment!
Don’t go back to that!
Instead, you have a company; 30 people work in your office from nine to five. They don’t work from nine to five; they work three hours.
The rest is just filling time!
So why not make it official?
Come in at nine, work until twelve, and after lunch, let’s all sit around and think what we can do to improve the community, the neighborhood, the city?
Cuz you did your best work; you’re going to make your money. You will make not a penny less if you do all your work in three hours, 'cause that’s all you do in the course of the day anyway.
Then you would come to work with a completely different feeling.
You’re not just there to make money; you’ve made your money.
Now think about the rest of the community.
We wouldn’t have to defund the police.
So even the career should not be without value.
In your career, find ways to work together to prove to improve conditions; that’s serving God.
One final thought, imagine a gardener—a Japanese gardener—who loves flowers.
He loves botany; he loves beauty, and it bothers him that neglected lawn.
So he goes in there, cleans it up, plants the most beautiful—creates a delightful garden—and all of a sudden, some guy comes over to him and hands him a check.
He says, “What is this?”
He says, “That lawn; it’s my lawn! I owe you!”
We go around with our careers, with our jobs, making the world better.
You go to work; you produce toothbrushes; you made the world better!
You produce clothing; you produce cosmetics; whatever it is, you’re making life better—whose world are you making better?
God’s world. He owes you.
So the guy who goes to work every day on an assembly line and produces vacuum cleaners, boring-drudgery, meaningless—no it’s not!
You’ve made the world better; you’re serving God’s purpose.
Could you do more? If you can do more, but don’t say you’re doing nothing.
So actually, there are very few people in the world who are not serving God every day, but they turn it around and call it their need—not your need, but it’s God’s need.
So if you’re serving God, do it with joy.
Go to work pleased, happy, and complimented that God needs what you’re doing 'cause it’s his world you’re making beautiful!
I’d love to finish it there.
That’s such a wonderful thought to end on, and I’ve always said that I think everybody has purpose. Most of the careers, like you say, the majority is serving a purpose—very, very important purpose as well.
I’m curious as to where you would point people, you know, the things we’ve spoken about today—where you would point people?
Maybe a book, maybe your social media, a website to get more information?
Where they can follow up this conversation to sort of, you know, carry on these teachings and messages?
I have a book on life called Creating a Life That Matters.
I also have a book on intimacy because it seems to be such a mystery called The Joy of Intimacy.
Thank you so much! I think what I’m going to do is go away and read Creating a Life That Matters to start off with, and then maybe pick it up after I’ve read that book, 'cause that title is, I think, everything that we’ve kind of been speaking about today.
And I cannot thank you enough for going through everything with us.
Yeah, thank you so much! And social media and all that kind of stuff we’ll link down below and put in there, but thank you so much for today!
Thank you!
This is making the world better.
The thing I hate the most is people going, “Oh, you gotta be gentle with yourself; take a night off, darling. You’ve done too much already; you’ve already earned your place!”
No, no, I don’t need time off; no, I haven’t earned my place; no, I haven’t done enough already!
I sympathize and I have compassion for a lot of people who are struggling—I really do!
You know, that’s the reason why I do all of the stuff that I do.