Transcription
The study, what is this article? This article was the result of a study in Britain, uh, where they got 1,200 women with eating disorders and they asked them to write a letter to their eating disorder as if it were a friend. And so the purpose of this was to be able to quantify what out of 1,000 women, what they saw as beneficial and attractive and valuable about their eating disorder. And then they plotted all of the answers that they got and determined categories. They ended up calling these pro-codes, basically either pros or things that the person, um, that reinforces the eating disorder. And they came up with 10. So essentially, it's narrative therapy, so the writing piece, but it's also externalization. Yes, because you're turning your eating disorder into a thing outside of yourself. Exactly.
After they came up with the results for that, um, they asked the same 1,200 women to write down what they saw as disadvantageous or unhelpful or distasteful, because I think that's what the British call it, um, about their eating disorder. Yeah. And they did the same thing and came up with 10 anti-codes. And to me, it was groundbreaking. It certainly helps clinicians identify why it is that people hold on to the behavior. It's not just like crazy. Mhm. No, it's actually very logical. It's very logical. It's very logical. And right. So this is, this is my book from treatment. It has a patient handbook, CBT, DBT, relapse prevention. Oh, there was a woman's group, Mind Body Spirit, tons of sheets. And then I found this and I was like, oh, what's this? And I saw the letter that you had us write. It's the letter from it to me. I thought I would read it. Mhm. And then we can talk about the codes because I think a lot of the codes actually came up in here. Because I read this and I actually got kind of upset. I read it. I may not get upset now because I'm kind of like acclimated to it. It's a little embarrassing. I wish you guys weren't here listening because it's like, it's pretty pathetic. Um, I'm very simplistic here. So I said, um, this is the eating disorder. Um, you piece of [ __ ] oops, I mean, darus Reby. Uh, you are a siege [ __ ]. You body check. I feel the, feel the fat on your flanks. It, it was fascinating to, to read this because, um, I don't think this way anymore. Um, the vertical span of your ass, where the [ __ ] are, your pelvic bones. There was a time, not more than seven months ago, it's very shallow, when you could, when you could slide your paws down your lower bo, uh, back and grip those bones and feel your hip joints and the musculature shift like the uninterrupted movement of a well-oiled pendulum. Without me, you are nothing. Where are you going to find the man you want if you feel like [ __ ] you can't fit into any of your clothing right now? And let's be honest, trying to camouflage your fat in larger clothing serves to hide your sins. Uh-uh-uh. I know you want to, I know you want to chime in right now and say, you're the one that made me fat. It's the binge purge thing that makes me gain. Well, maybe so, but at least I help diffuse the reality of your set point. I keep you on the straight and narrow. I give you limits, mainly weight, of course. But [ __ ], that's better than flailing in the wind with nothing at all, no reference point, no direction, no, no roots, no home. I am your home, your shelter. Without me, you are homeless. You are on the street. You are a beggar. How are you going to survive? You are never, you, you a never earned one self-respecting penny. You are, you have no marketable skills, so to speak. You have never had a romantic relationship. You are a baby with, with her bottle. Without her bottle, straight off the boat, nameless, faceless, and rip [ __ ]. Um, that's right. Um, hate Daddy for feeding you, you an endless supply of dough. Keep blaming him for your incapabilities. Um, his, his endless money kept the food flowing. Um, let's see. I am your expression, um, of that ravenous appetite. I am your romance, your poet, your hunger, your art. Without me, you have no pain, no point of reference, no ego, no body. I am your, I am, am your sick [ __ ]. So [ __ ] you, you ain't never going to share your bed with anyone else. That was my letter. It's very concrete, but it was interesting to read that.
Can I ask you? Yeah. What emotions came up? Well, I just, I don't know why I, you know, I, um, yesterday I started reading this and I actually got upset at the same place. And I'm surprised that I did that again today. I got sad at the same place. I think I got sad right now at, "I am your home, your shelter." And I don't know why that made me so sad. Like, I mean, I know why, um, but I'm, I, I don't know why that made me so sad to read that today. Um, except that I think, I don't know. I'm not clear, actually. I mean, that sucks if that's the case, you know? And I think maybe because what's that was, yes, very much was, but it's like it was, you know, it was such an all-encompassing force for me. And so maybe it was me seeing that now and being like, you know, because it's so far, it's really quite dis, you know, it's 15, 16 years ago now since I've been in treatment. You know, I've been remitted and recovered for really like 15 years. So it's, it's like this is a memory. Yeah. Thank God. But like, and is that what a lot of people sound like, their letters? Yes. Yes.
Can you talk? I, I think just for like didactic purposes, I, I read this partly just because it was actually an example of one, um, but I'm curious how you would code this. So there's several in there. I think as you asked before, what were the directions for the letter? And the, it was to just generally write a letter from that part of you that is the eating disorder. And typically, this is done right at the very beginning of treatment because the eating disorder is feeling threatened, so it's going to respond with fight or appease. I hear those two responses in there. Or appease. Yep. So the fight is all of the name-calling that it does. And appease is, "Without me, you're nothing." It's still a mean way to do it, but you need me. Mhm. Right. And oh, sage one, there's a couple of the nice things in there would be the appease or fawning, as they call it. Yeah. Total fawning. So your eating disorder, it sounds like that part of you, its two main weapons were ridicule, criticism, Mhm. Overt, I'm going to say verbal abuse. I mean, there's just a, a lot there. And the other one, I'd say sort of shyer, like, let me just tell, let me sell you this, you need me. Um, when the eating disorder says, "I am your home," basically what I hear between the lines is, you're homeless without me. Or maybe you actually said that. Mhm. So a home is considered safe, safety, right? So there's the number one, the guardian, guardian. That's that was like the biggest one too. Well, like, hey, I started a paragraph with that one. Well, let me just read what they say from the article. Yeah. This was for statements involving ideas of being looked after, kept safe, and protected. Also used to code statements describing the disorder as dependable, always there, or providing consistency in life. So there are pieces in there where your eating disorder is trying to convince you that it's safety. Mhm. Okay.
Um, attractiveness, number two. I heard that. Yep. No man will want you without me. So basically, what the eating disorder is saying is, you're not good enough. And with my tricks and tools, tools, you can be. Mhm. But you have to sort of kneel at the altar of the eating disorder. The next one is control. So this is defined as when the disorder appears to provide control, willpower, structure to the person's life. Did you hear that in there at some point? Well, yeah, I mean, I felt like, um, know, um, "I keep you on the straight and narrow. I give you limits." Yeah. Yep. So follow my rules. Follow my rules. Yeah. Difference. I heard difference in there as being sort of a part of attractiveness, difference, like I'm different, I'm special, better. Well, I cut that out because it was so [ __ ] embarrassingly pathetically. I actually cut that out. It's in the beginning. I cut it out. I'll read it because it's so embarrassing that I let myself think this way. And I don't want other people to know that because it's really, it's really grandiose. This is very vulnerable. It is. Um, let's see. "You are a sage Jew Madonna." As your name would suggest. There you go. I admit it. I was a [ __ ]. The eating disorder is telling you that. Yeah. Yeah. And the eating disorder is trying to grab your attention and loyalty. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I think it's trying to hit where it knows it's going to get the biggest bang for its buck or the most effective shot. The next one would be confidence, overconfidence, false confidence, really. Right. The, uh, the eating disorder comes off as very confident. Right. And I would assume that maybe just vicariously, I can pick up some confidence from it. Or I will feel more confident in attracting perhaps a mate, right? Skill. This is something I know how to do and not everybody else does. Okay. Like the eating disorder has the skill. Well, and also I'm saying there, I have, which is pretty much was true at the time. I like, no real marketable skill. So is that what the skill means? So if I'm not good at this, at least I'm good at the eating disorder, right? Okay. Avoid. Now, this is, I think important. Used if the patient describes the disorder as helping them avoid feeling emotions or helping cope with emotions or distress. I couldn't find that, but I would think given my history, it would be all over that. Did you hear it there? Cuz I didn't. I'm wondering if the part about the dad and the endless supply of money or the endless supply of dough. So in other words, I didn't know if you meant dough like dough for cookies. I think it was a purposeful pun. Okay. Okay. So I wonder if there are some maybe even repressed feelings and emotions about, you treat me like a baby and I don't like it. I don't know. Probably. Yes. Could be. Probably. Okay. So I want to avoid those uncomfortable feelings. The next one is to communicate. And it's kind of the opposite. So communicate would be to sort of send a signal for help. Like if someone came in and saw you intentionally purging, they would probably, family member, they would probably step or friend would step in and help you. If a person is malnourished, they would probably say, hey, you need help. Yeah. Right. So that would be sort of a communication. Fitness. To me, fitness is linked to strength. Yeah. I've seen fitness be important in families where the parents, yeah, were very big into exercise. And so it was that's the normal, our family is the normal. And then last one is periods. And I think this is ala sort of Hilda Brook who wrote the, uh, golden cage. Yeah. Eating disorders have long, uh, been talked about as a fear of maturation. Right? So I don't want to grow up. Almost like sort of a Peter Pan thing. And so the menar, or the onset of menstrual periods for girls, is sort of signaling that move to adulthood. So if you configure that maybe I'm growing up in a household where Mom and Dad both work stress jobs, I don't see them very much. Maybe I'm a latchkey kid. Um, and they're always in a bad mood and tired. And we don't do anything on the weekend cuz they're working from home. Tell me again why I want to grow up? Cuz that looks really unpleasant. If I don't eat, maybe I, I never have to admit that I'm a grownup, right? Right. It's not, it's irrational thinking. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But all of this happens for a reason, right? Or I just don't want to die, right? So why grow up if you don't want to die? But yeah.
Did you want to do the, yeah, and then there's the negative, the things that are? Is that when the friend I have that one? Uh-huh. Let's see. I'm a little afraid to read the foe. It's here. I swear it's okay. Wait, where is it? Do I have it? I was like, oh, maybe this is it. Hold on. Ah, it's me writing to it. Mhm. Is that it? Is that that? I don't know. But that, that would be the right direction. Okay. "Dear eating disorder [ __ ]. You, you have it in for me. This is it. Why you beat the [ __ ] out of me?" Huh? Yeah, I guess this is it. You know what? [ __ ] you. I won't even grant you the privilege of answering that question. You've spoken enough. Your voice has come through loud and clear. But now I have a few things to share. Everything, everything you ever promised me, you dropped the ball. You, you're completely full of [ __ ]. You led me unto starvation in order to heighten temptation. You are a wolf in sheep's clothes, a devil in disguise. You call yourself truth to conceal your lies. Your tactics camouflage well, um, your intent to lay siege to my soul, surround my town walls, cut off my supply, isolate me, suck my, suck my river dry, draw the blinds across my eyes, just behind my eyes, r images of me hiking, getting back down to my comfort weight, doing that while I still have a life. You want to be my sole love. Keep me in, cut me off. I will do everything in my physical power so not to cave in to your demands. Vis-à-vis isolation, I will have the life I want, not the life you prescribe. You give me ultimatums as if I can't have the good body and the love and the career and the leisure and and the joy simultaneously. You can't have that body unless you obsess over it. Um, I, well, I have news for you. I've obsessed over career, body, love, and the obsessing got me only one thing: more obsessing. Mhm. Mhm. Not okay. The other things at all."
What emotions did you feel when you were reading that? Not as many. Okay. No, I mean, anger, actually, very first sentence. Yeah. You? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That it's a swindler. That it was a swindler. It swindled me. If you want to go through the anti-codes, let's go through the anti. Yeah. So pretend, the pretend code is feeling cheated or tricked by the disorder, that it has made false or empty promises. Is that like the top job? It's number one. Yeah. That's pretty much the instruction. Yep. Mhm. Social, used for statements about the loss of friends, family, social life, or career prospects because of the disorder. Heard that in there as well. "I will have it." So what I heard at the end is assertiveness. Mhm. Confidence, firmness. The next one is health, used to code current or future health problems. I mean, one of the, the reason I entered was I thought I would treatment was I was like, I, I'm going to be dead in 10 years if I keep doing this. Yeah. So it didn't say it there, but I, that was my reason. When it almost says it in reverse though, because in there, "I will have a life." Yeah. Mhm. Emotions, used to code statements about the disorder as suffocating or stopping the person from feeling emotions, where this is perceived negatively. Yeah. So I'm going to have feelings. Yeah. Yeah. And I can manage them. The next one is taking over, and that's feeling stifled or taken over by the disorder. Um, feeling a loss of control that the eating disorder has all the. Okay. Think I heard that in there too. You know, you have your rules, you have your, you know, tricks. Hate, used to code statements of anger and hatred towards the disorder and statements about fighting against the disorder. I heard, heard that in there. Yeah. Food, used where the patient describes being sick of thinking about being controlled by food all the time. That was the part about obsessing, I think. Um, waste, used to describe a feeling of life or time being wasted by the disorder. Also that the disorder has stopped the patient from doing things. I heard that in there. Psychological, used to code psychological symptoms of the disorder, such as depression or moodiness. I don't know that I heard those two things. What I did hear was obsession. Mhm. And then others, used when the patient describes the disorder as upsetting or hurting other people, such as family members. I probably wasn't enough other focus to, to at the time, you know, care about that to be honest. I don't know if it's the first time that you figuratively stood up to the eating disorder. I don't know either. I probably did in my head a lot, but I never, maybe wrote it down. We were wrestling for many years. Mhm. It may be the hardest thing that you do at that point in your life. Oh, it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I also believe that if you don't do it, there will be many, many, many more hard things, uh, had in life. Well, you will have a horrible life. I hate to say it that way. Okay. You will have a huge loss of quality. You will have a huge loss of quality. I felt that I was not going to be alive in 10 years. I mean, I really did. I thought I just was like, this is going to, I think this is going to kill me. Physically kill me. And you know what's interesting though, is I can't scare anybody out of an eating disorder. No. You want to provide education about some of the negative consequences medically and physically, but I can't scare anybody out of it. I am glad you gave it your every effort. You stuck around and that you are involved in this to spread awareness to other people.