Transcription
I was talking to a guy recently who was pretty sad because he had fallen in love with a woman who did not love him back. And this is very heartbreaking for him, and I understand it. We've all been there. We've all had that sense of rejection that comes with it.
He was a bit obsessive over it, though, you know. And it occurred to me that a big part of this is because most of us don't have a clue about what love is versus romantic love or any of that stuff. So today, I'm going to talk to you guys about, I'm going to say, 12 lies, 12 myths, something like that, that we men believe about women and love that cause us to make some huge mistakes and turn our lives upside down unnecessarily. This is life 2.0. Let's talk about it.
The first myth I think we need to talk about is that of romantic love as a form of love at all. Real love can only be given. You cannot take it from anyone. You can only choose to give it to people. You cannot force someone to love you. In romantic love, we introduce the concept of extortion, where I'll do this if you do that. I'll love you if you do this. And thus, we have created an environment where we have a transaction that's occurring. No longer is love about giving. Love is about giving in exchange for something else.
And I have introduced this concept of unconditional love in the videos in the past. And I was surprised at how many guys just completely rejected it out of hand. Like, that's not something that's real, John. No one can do that. No one can have unconditional love. I don't know what you guys are talking about. I can unconditionally love my children, or even my dogs. I guess not the dogs so much, but definitely the children. I expect the dogs to behave, but definitely the children, you know. So unconditional love is definitely a thing. And I think that's love in its purest form. And we bastardize love and we make it romantic. We turn it into something that it never should have been. We've created this energy about it that has expectations built into it.
And so that's the first myth or lie that we men fall into. And that is that romantic love is a legitimate way to express yourself to another person in a sense of, uh, affection or love. And it really isn't because as soon as you, you know, interject this obsessive need for another person to complete you in some way, shape, or form, you have bound them to a contract that they didn't necessarily agree to. And even if they did agree to it, they probably didn't understand the fine print, how it was going to be necessary for them to make you happy from now on, or vice versa. And, uh, yeah, that's a special kind of bondage. That's not the fun kind. That's the kind that, uh, inevitably leads to heartbreak, depression, anxiety, and worse things.
So, romantic love is not something that men should be pursuing. Romantic love is an illusion. It's the pink mist that I like to call, you know, from, uh, when you're deep in it, you can't see, you can't think, you can't breathe. You're just stuck in the pink mist, just like the fog of war, except it's the pink mist of romantic love. So that's your first one right there. Romantic love is a lie.
The next myth or lie that we men have been sold is that we need a woman in our lives to complete us. That women are crucial to our development as men. In fact, I've seen in, uh, movies in the past where, you know, a boy becomes a man after he has slept with a woman. And that is the biggest bunch of, uh, I have ever heard. If that's what it takes to be a man, oh man, I got some bad news for you guys. There's, there's nothing, nothing could be further from the truth. Women have nothing to do with the development of a man. Um, but for some reason, society wants us to believe that this is part of our rite of passage. And, um, I would argue that, uh, frequently boys get involved with women or girls at way too early a stage in their lives, and it messes them up, causes them way more problems than they're worth, gets them off track, distracts them from their real focus in life. And, uh, if a woman is to come into a man's life, it's not until that man has done all the other things necessary to be a man. The woman would be the last possible thing, and she does not hold the key to manhood in any way, shape, or form. So, yeah, that's the second big one, that women are necessary for us to be men. That they are in some way completing us, 'cause they're not.
The next big one that kind of follows after that is that women are endowed with special characteristics that we men lack. Empathy is a big one. That women are especially empathetic. That they are caring and nurturing. And oh my gosh, we men just don't get that. We just can't understand what that's from. And for many, many years, I thought that there was some truth to that as well. With the advent of me being a single father, I was very concerned that perhaps I was not going to be able to deliver the level of nurturing, care, and empathy that my son would require growing up. And I can tell you, he did. He got everything he needed. Did some research on it. Turns out that dads are just as nurturing and loving as moms. And that there is no value, special value that moms are bringing to the table that men can't also bring.
Men often get into relationships thinking that they're going to find acceptance, a friend that will accept them for who they are and what they are. And the illusion of that starts with the initial romantic love phase, where you're in the pink mist. And so you believe for a moment that she really does see who you really are, and she really does love you for who you really are. However, who you are changes. It grows. You're always in a state of flux. There is no place where you just suddenly stop growing and becoming. And although she might be able to open her mind up and her belief systems to the person that you have been up until this point, now that she's in your life and she's going to play a role in shaping it, you may be surprised to learn that she's going to become an awful lot more critical about the person you are from here on out. Um, acceptance is not necessarily guaranteed or even likely in a long-term relationship with a woman. In fact, if anything, you're probably going to find new levels of criticism that you had not experienced in the past. My mother was always very, very critical of me and my sister, for that matter. But, um, trying to find, uh, acceptance in a relationship, you might get a respite for a moment. There'll be a moment in time when you feel like you finally landed at a place where you are in full acceptance, and people, or this woman, sees you for who you are. But it's just a, a passing moment, and it will change into something else before you know it. Because like I said earlier, with romantic love, it's an exchange. It's extortion. It's an ex, you know, you do this for me and I'll do this for you. And if you don't measure up on one of those days, I guarantee you the criticism is coming strong, hard, and fast.
The next big lie we men create is this idea that women are more competent. And maybe we see our mothers in there somewhere. Like, maybe there's some kind of Freudian thing going on. So I don't know where this originates, but I know that in society these days, we are led to believe that women are the competent partner. You know, the whole Homer Simpson bumbling idiot in the sitcom idea that men are incapable of, of, um, managing their own affairs without some competent woman behind them. And this is just a figment of Hollywood's imagination. This is something that has come up, you know, with feminism and everything else, and it is just complete, you know, Um. I have been with a lot of women in my life, and I can tell you neurosis runs through the entire gender. They all have some levels of neurosis. They are all relatively anxious, some more so than others. Um, they are all subject to emotional roller coasters. Their hormones are constantly fluctuating, and they can go from being at their highest high to their lowest low, like any bipolar person could. I mean, they can just be as crazy as they come. And, um, when you look at the, uh, narcissistic, uh, spectrum, you know, and all the different behaviors associated with it, um, since the advent of social media and the internet, um, women are becoming further and further and further along this narcissistic spectrum all the time. They are just becoming more self-destructive in their behaviors. Um, yeah, so the idea that a woman is just in general a more competent adult than a man is complete, and I reject it out of hand.
But men, I think sometimes in the back of our minds, we think that we're going to find this woman. She's going to help us get our lives together. She's going to help us get straight. We're going to get right, get this house organized. She might be able to help you get the house organized, but she will not be a long-term solution to your lack of direction in life. I guarantee you that. If you don't have your act together, don't bring a woman into your life. She's not going to make it better. I promise you that. It's just going to get a whole hell of a lot worse.
One of the biggest myths that we men believe is that by having a woman in our lives, we're going to solve our sex problem. Yeah, we've got this sex drive, and it is a problem sometimes. There is no question about it. This has been the curse that we were saddled with. If women were saddled with the curse of the menstruation and all that stuff, men were saddled with the curse of sex drive. And it is a curse to some degree because it can become extremely distracting and it can definitely, um, uh, interfere with your direction in life. But women will not necessarily solve that problem for you. Just because you're going to get a woman in your life, you're going to get married, or you're going to have some long-term committed relationship. Um, I can guarantee you that you, it's like putting a band-aid on it for a while. You know, it's going to make it feel a little bit better for a while, but that band-aid is not going to solve that problem once and for all because she inevitably is going to withdraw sex from you. Because just like I said from the very beginning, that whole romantic love concept is an exchange of services. And if you, at any reason, for any reason at all, um, are perceived to not have met your obligation in this arrangement, in this contract, then I guarantee you, she's going to pull out the sex card, and you are going to be paying for whatever your faux pas was, whatever you didn't do, whatever she perceives you didn't do, whatever she thinks that you're not measuring up on, you are going to pay the price with no more physical affection. And that includes sex. I guarantee it. This happens in almost every single relationship. Now, I'm not going to say all, because there are healthy relationships out there. There certainly are two or three, I think, in the world where people are really, really happy with their, their partner. But for the vast majority of us, yeah, sex becomes a bargaining chip. And if she, at any time, decides that you aren't measuring up, then she's going to pull that chip out and she's going to tell you, "Not until you do this." That's what I mean. It's transactional. It's, and that transactional nature never changes.
Come here, P. We've been taught to believe that women are virtuous in some way, that, uh, female promiscuity is okay as long as it's just with us. You know, this also kind of goes along with just other virtues with women, like they won't lie. Um, if a woman is sleeping with you, she's probably been sleeping with a lot of other guys. If she goes to bed with you on the first date or shortly thereafter, that's not love. No, no, no. That's something else. That's lust. That's, uh, manipulation. It could be any number of things, but it's definitely not, uh, the overwhelming, uh, allure that you brought to the table, like she just can't get enough of you, you know, so she's got to take you to her bed. Um, there is something else going on there. The virtue that we believe that, uh, women bring to the table is completely a fairy tale. This is something that we have been taught since we were children. And of course, the prettier the woman is, the more virtuous she is. Oh my god, that's the other lie, you know. I mean, just so many lies associated with females and their virtue, and they are human beings just like the rest of us. They have flaws. They do terrible. They fart. They, they do all the stuff that we do, and worse. So, don't, um, don't get caught up in this concept that a woman is in any way going to bring some level of virtue to your life. Anything that a woman brings to your life existed in you first. Like, you had it there the whole time. She was just the trigger that brought it out of you. That's all. All you need is the right trigger to bring it out. And at any moment, you could choose to bring it out if you wanted to. You're just looking for a reason to do it. And you think that some pretty girl is that reason. So, you're fooling yourself. You know, when you get right down to it, all those virtues that you think she's bringing, these are all things that exist inside you that you're bringing. And, um, the opportunity to share that with another person, you feel is only available with a woman. And that is a myth as well. I mean, there's no question about it. You can express these virtues, your own inner, you know, authenticity, your love, your, um, love for yourself and the people in your life at any moment. You don't need some woman to open the door to that aspect of you. It's there. You just need to open the door yourself.
There are those who believe that, uh, getting married is in some way going to make your life easier. Deboo, come back. Come back, pal. Marriage is not going to make your life easier. Marriage is, in and of itself, a day-to-day challenge. It's like having a second job, or even a third job. It is, um, something that requires an awful lot of attention. I think that a lot of people get into relationships and marriages in particular thinking that this is going to relieve the stress in their life. It's going to make them, uh, more content, easier going, that life is going to get easy. And I think it does for a while. I think you, you kind of get in that honeymoon phase of the marriage, those first two or three years. And it feels like everything is a little bit better because now you've got two sets of hands working in the same direction. But inevitably, it becomes more and more challenging. Especially if you bring children into your life, it can become an extremely challenging thing. And then it gets back to that whole transactional model of romantic love that I talked about earlier, because now it's all about what did you do? What did I do? You're not doing your share. You, you need to be doing more. I don't care if you are at work all day. I'm here at this house all day. Da da da da da. You know, you just get the whole, the whole line, you know, line. Um, yeah. So, don't, don't be fooled into this idea that marriage is going to make your life easier because I guarantee you it won't. In the long run, it, um, in order for that marriage to succeed, it's going to require that you treat it like a job, like a full-time job. You're going to have to have the awareness and the composure and the patience and the leadership and the, um, psychological skills to manage the emotions of a woman. And I'm telling you, that is not an easy thing to do. And it's going to be something that will require you to be trained in how to handle it because, um, inevitably, if you don't give it that kind of time and attention, this relationship will blow up on you very, very quickly, and it will not make your life easier. Promise.
A lot of men believe that women are looking for partnership, that they're looking for this soulmate relationship. And they believe that if they can convince a woman that he's her soulmate, that she will in some way treat him with some different level of respect or different level of, uh, of importance. And that this whole concept of soulmate is, um, central to a woman's belief about a relationship. And this, although it might be true on the surface, really isn't true when you get past that, because women have been told these same fairy tales that we've been told. So they are victims of this to some extent as well. The only difference between them and us is that we've been told how great they are. I mean, they're, you know, little girls are made of, you know, sugar and candy and all that stuff, and where are the snails and puppy dog tails? So they've been given the, the better side of the story. Like we've been told how wonderful they are and how crappy we are, and how we need to have them in our lives, and they are kind of making the sacrifice having these stinky boys in their lives. Yeah. And the soulmate thing helps them get past that. But once you get past the soulmate thing, you're still left with a man that you've got to deal with, and she's going to be very critical of you. It goes back to that whole romantic love thing. Unless you come across a relationship that has the potential for unconditional love, or it grows into some form of unconditional love, and that takes time. It takes maturity. It takes experience. It takes wisdom. Um, and it's very unlikely that you're going to have that kind of a relationship, especially from the very beginning. Um, so you're going to have this transactional thing, you know, and, um, yeah, that partnership, that soulmate thing just goes right out the window very quickly.
We men think we're going to get a, uh, a partner, a friend that we can have sex with, you know, someone that we, uh, can hang out with, someone who's going to be our best friend forever, and she's just going to be our, uh, like we're going to have our own set of the equipment that we can access anytime we want. I remember having that thought when I got married. It's like, man, now I've got my own set of equipment, you know? I've got a female body that I have access to at any, any time, you know? And even if we can't get it every day, I can get it, you know, most days. Man, I was living in a fantasy world. I was writing myself a fairy tale. I created a fairy tale for myself, 'cause that is not the way it goes. Not at all. Not at all.
The truth of the matter is, fairy tales were never designed with men's benefits in mind. No. In fact, the fairy tale was created to convince little boys that they should grow up and do what they can to save little girls, that they should be the heroes, that they should be the ones that are the prince charming, the knight in shining armor, and all that goes with it. They were designed to make us believe that having a woman in our life was going to solve some kind of problem and unlock some inner door that would free us from this masculine prison that we live in, that prevents us from fully experiencing life as individuals. And nothing can be further from the truth. The truth is, marriage and a woman will not solve any of your problems. Let me say that one more time just to get it through your head. Having a woman in your life and getting married is not going to solve any problems that you have. You may have problems. You may have all kinds of problems. But having a woman is not going to make those problems better. I promise you that. It may distract you from the problem for a while. You know, having a woman should be seen in the same way as having, I don't know, a, a beer. You know, it's like, yeah, it's good for a minute, but then you still got the rest of your life to live. You know what I mean? Uh, it can distract you from what you're focusing on in this very moment, but it's not going to solve that problem, whatever that problem is. In fact, if anything, it's going to make all of your problems so much more difficult to deal with. It's going to make everything just a little bit more challenging. Everything's going to be harder.
So, if you think that having a woman in your life is going to make you into a better man, well, actually, let me, let me digress here for a second. It's not going to solve your problems. It will make you a better man, but not the way you think. It's not going to make you better because you're having lots of sex and you're getting all these inner secrets from this woman. Although, in fairness, women will give you a different perspective on life. They will help you see things from a different perspective in a positive way. Sometimes you'll, you'll see the world. They'll, they'll have a take that you don't. So, there's some positive things there. Um, but for the most part, she's just going to be a distraction. She's just going to be getting in the way. And she will make you a better man because you're going to have to be patient. You're going to have to be dedicated. You're going to have to, um, really commit yourself to this relationship, and you're going to have to do a lot of sacrificing along the way. Having this relationship is not going to, um, make you better without a lot of hard work. It's like, you know, learning a new skill or, uh, getting an education. Yeah, you will be better when it's done, but you're going to have worked very, very hard at it to get there. So, don't believe that, um, just the mere presence of a woman in your life is going to make you better because she won't. You will make yourself better in order to stay in that relationship because of a level of commitment that you think you have. And you will sacrifice a great deal of your life in order to, um, make that work. And it is a devil's bargain any way you cut it because at any moment she could decide that you're not good enough, and she could walk out the door. And then all that energy that you put into it thinking that you were going to be building something together gets thrown out the window. And so many of the men that I talk to are in such despair because they feel like they have lost all this time in this relationship that it turned into nothing. That their plans for having built something wonderful are now down the toilet. It's all over with. And to a certain extent, they're right. But from a different perspective, they're completely wrong because the experience still made them better men. It still made them stronger, healthier, more clear-headed. Um, it may take them a while to realize all those benefits, but, um, it definitely helped them learn to appreciate their autonomy, their freedom, and, uh, it helped them often times discover who their authentic self actually was. And that's what happened to me. It was definitely, uh, a benefit, a net benefit to me. Anyway, a woman's not going to solve your problems. No doubt about it.
All right, you guys. Guys, that's all I got for you today. I hope this video has been entertaining, educational, informative. If it has, please, please like and subscribe. If you know someone who might enjoy it, please share it with them. Till next time, stay healthy, and if you can, stay single.