Transcription
[Music] let's go out to Virginia and talk to the m t. What's up Matt? How we doing?
Hey do John. Uh, thanks for taking my call, man. Pretty, uh, pretty excited, pretty nervous.
Oh, don't be nervous. I'm excited, but don't be nervous. All right, so what's up, dude?
No, I'm, I'm nervous because my girlfriend's gonna listen to this because she's the reason that, uh, I'm listening to you and called you. And all right, choose your words carefully. Use your words carefully. What's up?
She knows about it. So I'll jump to the question and then circle back. Um, it's because of a call that you took last week about the guy who had wanted more communication and identified with him a lot, and you told her to run. So my question is, uh, am I, am I that guy? Uh, also, am I asking too much? Uh, and if so, you know, how do I make peace with, uh, the relationship where our communication styles are so different and I don't get as much as I want? And there's lots of background. Yeah, so you could do a 10-part series on us, man. You'd love it.
Oh, man. I appreciate your call. Um, so, hey Kelly, can you fill me in on that? Um, I don't, we, we, Matt, we record these sometimes up to a month apart, so I don't remember that call. Um, I think it was the one who, the, that he's talking about is the guy, the woman called in and her, if she didn't text her boyfriend first thing in the morning, all communication, all day long. And, you know, if, if she didn't text by nine, he was mad.
Okay. Okay. So moving the goalposts. You better run, girl. That kind of one. Yes. Okay. So you're that, that guy? Sounds like you, right? A little bit. We diverge, um, in some areas, but yeah, the, the feelings of being an afterthought. I mean, I don't need, I don't need calls every 10 seconds or anything crazy, and I don't need detailed lists of what she does. But I do feel like there's such a huge gap in our communication. And I have also moved the goalposts, but, um, to use the football analogy, I moved him closer. I don't ask for 10 yards for a touchdown. I just want to hike the damn ball. Touchdown.
Well, and I feel like every, go ahead. Oh, I said, I feel like every time I, I, I ask for less and less because she says she can't give more. I, I, I asked for less and less, and she still says, nope, too much. Nope, too much. Nope, too much. And it's tough because it's, it's, I don't want to be that guy who's driving her away and making her want to run, but I just, I love this woman with all my heart and just want to, I just love talking to her and hearing from her and that sort of thing. So it sounds like she's moving the goalposts back. So, or she's moving the goalposts too. Let me put it that way.
Um, let me, let me try to ask the question this way. Sure. Um, well, let me let you ask your question. What's your question?
So, is it, if I'm asking too much? If I'm, if I am being overbearing? Um, you know, we don't, we're both divorced with kids, live a town apart, and she has her kids week on week off. I've got mine maybe a third of the time. And during those sometimes seven to 10 days that we don't see each other, I really crave that connection at least through the telephone because we don't get to physically see each other much. Um, and that's when it really feels like I, I feel like an afterthought. She even, she even said extraneous at one point, you know, and, uh, it was tough. I mean, I used the word first to be very fair, but she's like, yeah, you do feel extraneous during those times when I've just got the kids and I'm dealing with them and, and yeah, I don't have time for you. So, what, what, what tough?
Yeah, I mean, no, I don't think that's, I don't, you don't sound like that other guy at all to me. Now, maybe you listened and felt that way, but I don't, I don't hear that at all. Um, why, when she has her kids, do y'all not see each other?
So, we, we used to. Um, heck, we even, we were even engaged for two weeks a couple months ago. She's got, um, a daughter who's 14, who is doing the classic, I hate mom because I'm a teenager, I want to kill myself when I'm around you sort of thing. I mean, that's not really the classic. Seems like she's got a lot of struggles, but maybe not classic. But there's that, there's that angst between mom and teenage daughter. And then it's to the point where she was making suicidal ideations and even cutting. And it had occurred right after our engagement because she's like, I don't want you guys to be engaged. I don't, I don't, I don't want a new life.
And so my girlfriend called off the engagement, um, after a couple of weeks because of that. Not only that, there's a Ramsey Solutions connection. I had a little more debt than she realized, and she's like, whoa, step back. You know, and I'm working, we're working on that. I'm on step two.
But, uh, what do you mean? Like she realized, you, you finally came clean about you owe a whole bunch of money in debt, right? She knew about, she knew about student loans, uh, from law school, uh, and a little credit card that she knew that my, the firm that I, I'm about to leave has been really financially tough on me, and I didn't really disclose how tough it had been. So after the engagement, I said, I gave her a spreadsheet and said, here I am. And she's like, whoa, that's more than I expected. Um, but we, we worked a plan, you know, to, to do it together. She's a financial wiz. She's got, I mean, she's just phenomenal. Um, and I'm struggling. And that coupled with the daughter sort of, I shouldn't going off the deep end, but the stress with the daughter, she's like, this is too much. We need to step back. So that's why I don't get to come around that often anymore because it seems to stress out her daughter. Now, her daughter's living with her ex-husband now more full-time because of the stress. So I may be invited around a little bit more, but that hasn't happened yet in the last month. And so it's, it's just tough.
Yeah. Um, man, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Is that cool?
Yeah, please.
I think these communication challenges and the, I'm all in, but wait, let's, let's take a breather. Let me see the spreadsheet. All of this feels like theater to a much bigger issue in your relationship together. It feels like they're, y'all are not nearly as close close as you want to be. Yeah. And y'all are not nearly as far apart as she would feel safe. And so what happens is it's almost like, uh, two magnets that are turned the wrong way. You'll just push each other away so hard. Pursuer-distancer kind of dynamic. Yeah. It just becomes, you've heard me say it on the show, you just become a dance where, yeah, I'm starving. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. And you're my oxygen. And then the, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. You're smothering me. And she's using you as, as an excuse to, um, she's using distance from you as an excuse to make herself, her alarm bells not ring off the hook because she probably went through a gnarly divorce that was a mess. And she has a daughter that's chaotic. That's, dude, you can't, you can't let, you can't let a teenager dictate your life. They, they, that young girl cannot handle the power of determining her mom's dating relationships. That's too much. That's too much power to give to a child. She can't carry that weight.
Well, you hit the nail on the head with the terrible divorce. Uh, her ex-husband married the paramour, the, the mistress that caused the divorce and moved her in right away. And I, and I, we, we suspect that that has something to do with the, um, resistance to our relationship, you know, another interloper. But at the same time, um, your financial insecurity, your professional insecurity, you work in a very, very difficult job. Nobody calls an attorney because they're having a great day. Right? So you enter into people's pain every day of your life as, um, uh, as a way of being. And so you've identified her, your body's identified her as your, as a cup of water, as your oxygen. And when you don't get it, man, you ask more, where are you? Why aren't you me? Am I just an afterthought? And it's that, it's that internal, can't breathe, can't breathe, can't breathe, like when you're underwater a little bit too long. And then the kid won't get off of you. And all of a sudden your body goes to full right. And it just gets to that weird dance. That, that's it.
100%. That's, that's what it feels like. It's, yeah, it's a craving. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And so for me, um, I think the conversation has to be way, way beneath communication style. By the way, that language is so frustrating for me. Not to you, I'm, I'm really grateful that y'all are identifying, I communicate this way, I communicate that way. It's super frustrating to me that those type of s- overly simplistic models are placed in the world because they give people a relational out. What do I mean by that? Well, my love language is touch. Well, my love language is nice is affirmations. And we just aren't compatible. And I just want to yell from the rooftops, that's just so stupid. There's nothing empirical about any of that. All of that changes over time. And if my w- if I'm in tune with my wife, I know that she likes to be hugged when she's when she's hurting. And if she's in tune with me, she knows that I like it when she puts her hand on the back of my neck and says, hey, I'm proud of you. Like it. We don't have to devolve into this, I don't do that kind of love language. My, I do what my partner needs and vice versa. And so, I, if y'all have different communication styles out of the gate, great. I don't really care. What does she need? And what do you need? Right? If my wife shifted over time, that's, that's the thing. It always, always moves, right? What's important is that every month you say, hey, D, I'm getting ready, it's getting super stressful at work, and like, just a quick hello in the morning. Absol- like, it changes the whole nature of my day. Would you, would you love me enough to say hello? And she'd be like, yeah, I got that. And if she can't do that, then your relationship has much bigger issues in it. Or if she says, hey, dealing with my daughter in the morning is so difficult, and every morning I wake up in a panic that she's even still alive or that there's blood on the sheets again. And like, just the thought of having a chore to do, which is, I got to make sure I call him back three times. Can I call you when I get to work? And you'd be like, yeah, absolutely, babe. That'd be awesome. But until y'all have that level of conversation, um, it's just gonna be this ping-pong match of, well, you did this, well, you didn't do this. And it just becomes theater for the deeper issues here.
Yeah, it sounds. And by the way, the scariest thing for somebody who went through a bad divorce, who is scanning the environment 24/7, 365 for, am I safe? Am I safe? Am I safe? Is finding out that the person that they almost went all in on didn't tell them the full truth.
Yeah, no, I, I know that. I, I was definitely wrong. That's a huge regret.
Yeah, yeah. Have you, have you said that in that way?
I, I don't know. I know I've apologized and said, I'm sorry, I didn't tell you this earlier.
I think it's deeper than that. I failed you.
Yeah, no, I did. 100% ACC. Awesome. That's awesome. And failed in my, I failed in my last marriage, you know, it was my fault.
So, in what way?
Oh, I stepped out on the marriage. Okay. I, I wasn't, I wasn't honest with my ex-wife that I was hurting and feeling unloved and feeling, uh, worthless and devalued. And I found somebody that made me feel good for a little while. And, uh, sure. I just don't want, I don't want to make those mistakes because like, this woman is the light of my life. And, and I think when she said it before, when our highs are high, they are, they're, they're to the moon and back because we just, you know, we're both, we both have similar jobs. Like she's active duty military, I'm reserve now. But, you know, we've got these, we have so much common ground. And just love food, and I love to cook, and she loves to eat, and I do too, you know, I just, it's so much is so good. It's intense. It's, I mean, we both said that we fell in love the minute we walked into the coffee shop the first time we met, you know, and that's probably damn accurate. And it's, it's been wonderful, but those lows are just, you know, use that analogy of like the love tank just rins. And I just, you know.
So let me ask you a hard question.
Sure.
You've done some dumb things. I have too. We all have. Yeah. But you've painted me a pretty clear picture of a guy that doesn't like himself.
Why? I was afraid you're gonna ask me that question because I haven't come up with the answer. I've been in therapy for two years trying to figure it out and, and I can't. And it's, it's hard. I mean, you know, I had loving parents, nuclear family, uh, wonderful Christian household, great career in the Marines for, you know, 25 years, you know, some of it active duty. And, um, I've accomplished a lot. Became an attorney, like, I mean, just, you know, a lot of things that I'm like, this is awesome. I've finally done it all. But that, but that's a guy that's been, that's been running from hill to hill saying, oh, I have peace on that hill. And then you get to that hill and you're like, well, damn it, I went with me there's peace over on that hill. And then you start running. And you, and dude, nobody can stop you. You can do anything. If you get out of active duty military after 25 years and you go to law school with all those kids and you get out and start practicing, like no one can stop you. You can do whatever you want. But that sounds like a guy that's running from himself.
Yeah. And if you, if you expect any woman to fill that or that doomed statement that Tom Cruise like whispered across the room, like, if you're waiting for somebody to complete you, dude, they're ultimately not gonna be able to carry that weight. I'm afraid that's what I'm putting on here. I want her to compliment me, not complete me. And I'm afraid I'm the only way.
Only way that can happen is if you recognize that your oxygen comes from within your chest, not from her.
I don't like my oxygen.
I know, but I'm telling you as an outsider, it looks good.
I appreciate that. So what if this? What if instead of going to a therapist and just talking and talking and talking and talking, what if you begin practicing liking yourself? And that sounds so cheesy. I'm gonna tell you something that my counselor made me do. Okay. Okay. And it melted me. And I'm tired today, and so I'm probably gonna get choked up talking about it. So she called me out once. I may, I don't know if I've talked about on the show or not, but we've, she called me out once and she said, oh my, she's an oracle, right? She said, oh my gosh, you don't like you. And I was like, yes, I do. Like, no, you don't. I was like, I do. And she, she said, say it. Say the words. I love this guy. And I started laughing. I was like, I'm not saying that. And she goes, say it. And she goes, just say it. Say it to me. I love this guy. You know, she made me make a fist and put it in my chest and say, I love this guy. Ultimately, I couldn't do it. Yeah. It was the strangest out-of-body experience, dude. I couldn't do it. And she goes, there it is. She goes, none of the rest of the stuff gets better. None of the rest of the stuff heals until you're okay with you. Because if you're not okay with you, everybody feels you trying to get something from them. And some people want that, but that always ends up in an unhealthy dynamic. Other people, like my daughter or your girlfriend/fiancé/girl, their bodies sense it, and they feel like they're gonna get dragged underwater by two big guys like us. And so they bolt. They bail. They back up.
Yeah, I don't want that. I want her to, yeah, I, I want to love. Yeah. God, I can't even say it. Yeah.
So exactly. So here's your homework. And I'm, it's gonna be as cheesy. Dude, I expect people listening to go, is that a 200-pound Texan talking to a former Marine telling him to put his fist in his chest and look in his bathroom mirror and say, I love this guy five to 10 times a day? Yes, that's what's happening right now. But I want you to do it. And listen, when you say it, I want you to intentionally relax and drop your shoulders down because you can probably flex through it. That's what you've been doing your whole life. You flex through law school, you flex through basic, you flex through all your promotions, you flex through all of it. That's what you could do. But you can't flex through making some woman feel safe, especially someone who's already just been burned, burned to ash. That has to come from the inside out. The only way that happens is if you admit, I gotta practice like being okay with me. I can't expect somebody to carry that. I'm just gonna tell you on this side of it, it's healed my relationship with my daughter. It's healed my relationship with my son. It's healed my relationship with my wife. It's made me a general better person to be around, a safer person to be around, because I'm not grabbing every person in my life and saying, hold me up, hold me up, hold me up, hold me up, hold me up. I'm able to walk into a room safe, whole, on my own two feet, and look around and say, how can I love each and every one of you? And hey, here's what I need to be loved. Guys, I'm gonna put that out there. That's a totally different dynamic. So starting today, you to put your chest in your hand and look in the mirror and say the words, I love this guy. And I want you to do that. That every day for the next 30 days. And then tell your wife, or tell your fiance, maybe your wife one day, girlfriend, I've been expecting you to hold me up and I'm sorry. And whenever somebody can't hold me up, I get nervous. And then I get clingy. And then I go looking for, I start hiding things. I, I keep secrets. No more, no more, no more. Hang on the line, brother. I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life as my gift to you. Read that, dude. It'll give you a roadmap from point A to point B. I'm gonna start living into these things as I practice learning to be okay with myself. And it's good to go to counseling, dude. Go talk to somebody. Let's just start, stop the loop, the loop, the loop. Let's start really honing in. I love this guy. This guy's safe. This guy can do hard stuff. This guy can take care of people. And this guy's okay saying what he needs out loud. Do you love me too? And then, dude, we'll deal with the, we'll deal with the communication stuff on the back end. But let's start at the root. I'm proud of you, brother. Proud of you. And tell the truth, Matt. Tell the truth.