Transcription
So, I don’t want to be attached and yet I find myself getting attached to an idea. You understand? That is, I must be free and somebody, or some book, or some idea, something says, ‘Do this, you will have that.’ So, the reward becomes my attachment – you follow?
So, I say, ‘Look what I have done. Be careful. Don’t get caught in that trap.’ Whether it’s a woman or an idea, it is still attachment. So, I’m very watchful, now. I’ve learned something. That is, exchange for something else is still attachment. Right? So, I’m very watchful.
Then I say to myself, ‘Is there a way, or what am I to do to be free of attachment?’ What is my motive? You understand? Why do I want to be free from attachment? Because it’s painful? Because I want to achieve a state where there is no attachment, no fear, no etc., etc.? What is my motive? Please, follow me, because I’m representing you. What is my motive in wanting to be free?
And I suddenly realise a motive gives a direction. Right? And that direction will dictate my freedom. Are you following this? So, why do I have a motive? What is motive? A motive is a movement, a hope or to achieve something. So, the motive is my attachment. I wonder if you are following all this. No, do it, sir, as we’re talking. The motive has become my attachment, not only the woman, the idea of a goal, but my motive – I must have that. So, I’m all the time functioning within the field of attachment. Right? The woman, the future and the motive. To all this I’m attached.
So, I say, ‘My God, it’s a tremendously complex thing. I didn’t realise that to be free of attachment implies all this.’ Right? Now, I see this as clearly as I see on a map the roads, the villages, the side roads, the main roads – very clearly. Then, I say to myself, ‘Now, is it possible for me to be free of my motive – to which I am attached, to be free of the woman for whom I have great attachment, and also the reward which I’m going to get when I am free?’ To all this I am attached.
Why? Is it that I am insufficient in myself? Is it that I am very, very lonely, therefore escape from that feeling of extraordinary sense of isolation and therefore cling to something – man, woman, idea, motive? You follow? Cling, hold on to something. Now, is it I’m lonely? I am taking that. Is it I am lonely? Therefore, I’m escaping from that feeling of extraordinary isolation, through attachment of another. Right?
So, now I’m not interested in attachment at all. I’m interested in understanding why I am lonely, which makes me attached. You have understood? You are following me – my dialogue with myself? Which is, I am lonely, and that loneliness has forced me to escape through attachment to this or to that. Now, I say, ‘As long as I’m lonely, all the sequence is this.’ So, I must investigate why I am lonely. What does it mean? Right? What does it mean to be lonely? How does it come about? Is it instinctual, inbred, heredity, or is it my daily activity that is bringing about this loneliness? You understand?
I’m going into it. I’m going into it, having a dialogue with myself. Oh, by Jove! If it is inherited, if it is an instinct, which I question because I accept nothing – you understand? – I accept nothing because I don’t accept it is instinct and say, ‘I can’t help it.’ If it is heredity, it’s part of my… I’m not to blame. As I don’t accept any of these things, I say, ‘Why is there this loneliness?’ Now, I question it and remain with the question, not try to find an answer. I wonder if you understand this. Is somebody following all this?
I have asked myself what is the root of this loneliness and I’m watching, I’m not trying to find an intellectual answer. I’m not trying to tell the loneliness what it should be, or what it is. I’m watching it for it to tell me. I wonder if you understand this. Are we going along, together?
Q: Yes.
K: So, there is a watchfulness for the loneliness to reveal itself. It won’t reveal if I run away, if I am frightened, if I resist it. So, I watch it. I watch it so that no thought interferes because this is much more important than thought coming in, because my whole energy is concerned with the observation of that loneliness, therefore, thought doesn’t come in at all. Are you following this? Because the mind is being challenged and it must answer. And when you are challenged it is a crisis. And in a crisis, you have got all the energy, and that energy remains without being interfered with. I wonder if you follow all this! Because this is a challenge which must be answered.