Transcription
Uh, I'm an immigrant. I'm here to TAKE YOUR JOBS. >> [cheering] >> WATCH OUT, JERRY SEINFELD. >> [cheering] >> NO, FOR REAL FOR REAL, I am an immigrant. I came to America with $9 in my pocket. Yeah, 10,000 IN THE BANK. BUT NINE IN THE POCKET. >> [laughter] >> But I dreamt of coming to America just like Eddie Murphy. >> [laughter] >> You know, when you're outside this country looking at life in here, everything looks so much more fun. Like people frolicking in hot tubs. Jacuzzis. >> [laughter] >> Bubble baths. I mean, in India you get water in a bucket. >> [laughter] >> Like there's buckets in America, too, but they're filled WITH FRIED CHICKEN. >> [applause] >> A SHOWER DOESN'T STOP YOU UNTIL YOU STOP IT. PEOPLE FILL GALLONS OF drinkable water in a bathtub and just sit in it. >> [laughter] >> BECAUSE THEY'RE SAD. >> [applause] >> HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS PLACE? I LOVE IT HERE. >> [cheering] [applause] >> AND I WORKED SO HARD TO COME HERE. Any immigrants IN THE HOUSE? >> [cheering] >> HOW HARD IS IT, RIGHT, TO COME HERE? For everyone except the Canadians. NO, THERE'S ALWAYS one Canadian in the room who's like, "It wasn't so hard. WE JUST DROVE IN." NOT THAT GUY, BUT FOR THE rest of us, the brownies, really hard to come here. The visas, the paperwork, years of waiting. And you get here and you find out that everybody hates everybody. The Democrats hate the Republicans, the Republicans hate the Democrats, pro-choice, pro-life, pro-gun, MacBook Pro. By the time I got my green card, I was like, "I'm not so SURE ABOUT THIS." >> [laughter] >> THE ONLY THING everybody seems to agree on is that everybody HATES TED CRUZ. >> [cheering] >> SEE, INDIA IS 1.4 billion people. Can you even imagine? For context, America is 400 million people. You have to add a whole billion to that and then ask yourself how pro-life YOU WOULD BE. >> [cheering] [applause] >> IF AMERICANS HAD TO compete with 1.4 billion people for a parking spot, >> [laughter] >> every street corner would have A PLANNED PARENTHOOD. BUT SPEAKING OF THE SUPREME COURT, my favorite >> [laughter] [cheering] >> My favorite judge, Judge Judy. BECAUSE OF HER, I went to law school. >> [cheering] [applause] >> But I found out after I became a lawyer that you have to be a good lawyer to be appointed a judge. And I was the worst. And I could never be neutral. I would take my own client to the judge and be like, "Your Honor, my client has robbed the LIQUOR STORE." OH, [ __ ] NO, MY CLIENT HAS NOT ROBBED THE LIQUOR STORE. >> [laughter] >> EVEN THE JUDGE WAS LIKE, "MRS. GARG, do you know what a DEFENSE ATTORNEY DOES?" AND I COULD NEVER KEEP A POKER FACE. I I would be like, "But you and I both know HE DID IT." >> [laughter] >> SO, I DECIDED, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING to stay home. I'm going to support my husband. I'm going to raise my kids. I was a stay-at-home mom for 16 YEARS. >> [cheering] [applause] >> 16 years of being home with the kids full-time, I learned something. I'm not that into them. >> [applause] >> So, I found the only job that keeps me out of the house nights and weekends. I mean, kids aren't even ALLOWED IN HERE. AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING on at my house right now. >> [laughter] >> There could be a meth lab. But I have no complaints. I'm married to a really nice man. We are the perfect Indian couple. We do math for fun. We take romantic walks in the park and discuss interest rates. >> [laughter] >> The last time we refinanced, I got pregnant WITH MY THIRD. >> [cheering] [applause] >> AND WE HAVE THREE KIDS. ONLY the oldest BOY IS IMPORTANT. RIGHT? ALL THE BROWN BOYS UP FRONT, they're nodding, right? You get that, right? You're like, "That's why we're out on a Wednesday night." All the oldest ones here. What young one is coming out tonight? No. Read the newspaper. No, we got lucky. We have two boys. Woohoo! One girl. Whatever about her. By the way, the whole oldest boy thing is not just an Indian thing. Look at the royal family. That Prince William, he's got it made. >> [laughter] >> He's going to be king. But bichara Harry, he couldn't even get on the British baking show. He had to move to California to get any attention. But my husband, he's a great guy. You know, he went to a good college, has an amazing job. He's what you here WOULD CALL A CATCH. I know this because his mother reminds me >> [laughter] >> every day. And you know, and he has a superpower. I shouldn't be so surprised because back in the day, he was a chess champion. I know what you're all thinking. Chess champion. Sexy. >> [laughter] >> So, his superpower is logic. Uh. >> [laughter] >> Exactly. What do you do with logic? Maybe if you're stuck in an ESCAPE ROOM SOMEDAY. BUT OTHERWISE, WHAT DO YOU DO WITH LOGIC? You know, it's as if I'm married to Clark Kent who NEVER BECOMES SUPERMAN. >> [applause] >> LIKE IF A BIG BOOKSHELF falls on my head, do I really need him explaining to me that I put too much STUFF IN IT? >> [laughter] >> OR IF MY CHECKED LUGGAGE IS OVERWEIGHT at the airport, I need him pointing out that I took too many towels FROM THE HOTEL? NOBODY NEEDS LOGIC. And you know, when I first started doing this joke, he didn't like it. >> [laughter] >> He's like, "I don't like this joke." I said, "But why? You are my Superman." He goes, "How can I be Superman? They took out all THE PHONE BOOTHS. >> [laughter] >> WHERE WILL I CHANGE INTO THE COSTUME?" BY THE WAY, WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ESCAPE room in India? Arranged marriage. >> [screaming and cheering] [applause] >> So, my oldest is my daughter. Uh, she's a freshman this year AT STANFORD UNIVERSITY. >> [cheering] [applause] >> THANK YOU. SO, WHEN SHE got in, immediately I called my mother-in-law. To flex. >> [laughter] >> Like wouldn't you do that? Wouldn't you brag about this? And you know what she said to me, my mother-in-law? She said to me, "How good can the college be if it's taking so many girls?" You see, she is what you here would call a [ __ ] >> [clears throat] [cheering] [applause] >> BUT I CAN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT HER too much because without her, what would I get up HERE AND SAY? >> [laughter] >> WHAT WOULD I SAY? I WOULD BE LIKE, "I'M HAPPY. >> [laughter] >> I'm fine. I do have self-esteem." >> [laughter] >> Let's face it, without her, I would have no act. But now my kid is in college and it's all about making friends, making friends. I was like, "Why? Make friends when you join Doctors Without Borders." And she's like, "Mom, be serious. I have to make some friends." I said, "Okay, I'm going to give you the guidelines on who you can be friends with. You cannot be friends with any communications majors. >> [cheering] [applause] >> No sociology, no geology, no anthropology. What even is that? EVERYBODY'S DEAD. >> [laughter] >> NO KIDS WHO PLAY MUSIC, no kids who do drama, recruited athletes. Do I even need to say the words? AND SHE'S LIKE, "SO I CAN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS?" I said, "I didn't say that. Did I say that?" No, right? I said, "Com sci is good." >> [laughter] >> Engineering, pre-med, basically all THE INDIAN KIDS. >> [applause] >> AND SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT IF I MEET AN INDIAN kid who's an art major?" I said, "That doesn't exist." >> [laughter] >> And if you meet that kid, get his mother's phone number. WE MIGHT NEED TO CHECK ON HER. SHE might be about TO JUMP IN FRONT OF A TRAIN. >> [laughter] >> SO ARE WE ALL FAMILIAR WITH THE acronym STEM in education? We all know what it stands for? What does it stand for? Science, technology, engineering, math. So have you heard about the controversy surrounding this acronym? They want to add art to it. Because the artists are feeling excluded. >> [laughter] >> And they want to make it STEAM. >> [laughter] >> What are they TRYING TO DO TO US? DO THEY REALIZE THAT if you add art to STEM, there will be no steam? >> [laughter] >> DO THEY THINK THAT THE GUY who invented the steam engine ran a puppet show ON THE SIDE? >> [laughter] [applause] >> THEY THINK THEY CAN JUST DISRUPT THE WORLD ORDER LIKE THAT? How would they like it if we added a spelling bee TO THE NFL? >> [cheering] [applause] [applause] >> BUT LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY 16-year-old son, so handsome. I can show you photo afterwards if you want. My 16-year-old son recently started walking to school with a girl. SO I FOLLOW THEM. AND MY HUSBAND WAS SO IMPRESSED WITH ME. He's like, "Our son is walking to school with a white blonde girl." And you don't have a problem with that. I told him there's nothing to worry about. It's not like she's going to get into a good college. Aw. Ah, whatever. Cancel me. I DON'T CARE. >> [applause] [cheering] >> BESIDES, THE BLONDES DON'T EVEN GET THAT JOKE. NOW MY DAUGHTER called me the other day and she's like, "I just met a boy." I was like, "Why?" >> [laughter] >> You're born here. You don't need A GREEN CARD. SHE'S LIKE, "MOM, HE'S REALLY NICE." NICE? WHO NEEDS NICE? WE NEED RICH. AND SHE'S LIKE, "MOM, HEAR ME OUT. He's an engineering major." I said, "Okay, I'm listening." He's from Connecticut. Fine, go on. His mom is the head of development at HBO. I said, "He's got potential." >> [applause] >> So I have a third kid. I forget about him sometimes. >> [laughter] >> I don't know what to say about him. I don't REALLY KNOW HIM. >> [laughter] >> I MEAN, THE NANNY SAYS HE'S PERFECT. But in our house, we don't use the word nanny. We call her aunty. Because this way she can sit in for us at parent-teacher conferences, AT DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS, at college graduations. But speaking of college, I have to tell you I have uncovered the world's biggest scam. Did you guys know that in this country the parents don't get to decide what the kid's going to study? >> [laughter] >> You all knew this? I REALLY THOUGHT WHEN MY kid goes to college, I will call the college up. AND I WILL SAY, "Com sci one, com sci two, go." >> [laughter] >> She wants TO HAVE SOME FUN. I understand that. Give her one CLASS IN CHEMISTRY. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. THEY are so rude. They hang up on me. >> [laughter] >> So I HAD TO CALL MY kid and ask her. I was like, "What are you enrolled in? What are you studying?" >> [snorts] >> Are you guys ready for this? >> [laughter] >> Ceramics. >> [cheering] >> $80,000 TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE CLAY POTS. >> [laughter] >> DO YOU KNOW WHO ELSE MAKES CLAY POTS? VILLAGERS IN INDIA. BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO. >> [laughter] >> MY KID IS IN PALO ALTO, the epicenter of technology, MAKING CLAY POTS. WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED, GANESH? DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD SOMETHING has to be when the nice white guy in the audience IS LIKE, "OH, NO." >> [applause and cheering] >> AND NOW I HAVE AN UPDATE ON THIS situation and you guys are going to think I'm making it up. I'm not. I'm telling you the truth. I just found out that she's required to take a class in wellness. >> [laughter] >> So she's enrolled in meditation. Which costs extra. >> [laughter] >> WHILE SHE'S MEDITATING, I'm going to go have A STROKE. I MEAN, I'M AN IMMIGRANT PARENT in America. It's hard for me to raise my kids here. I'll tell you why. Because here people like to do dangerous things JUST FOR FUN. >> [laughter] >> JUST FOR THE THRILL OF IT. THEY LIKE TO GO sliding down mountains, fall out of airplanes, dive into oceans, just for the thrill of it. Back home, when I wanted to experience the thrill, I DRANK TAP WATER. >> [applause] [cheering] [applause] >> NOW MY SON WANTS TO go bungee jumping. Could you imagine? My son, my daughter, whatever. >> [laughter] >> And I said, "No. You can't go." And he goes, "Why not?" My friend Scott went. Scott? >> [laughter] >> He put a photo on Instagram. I said, "Scott should go bungee jumping. Scott has a B in math. >> [laughter] >> He has nowhere TO GO BUT UP." >> [applause] >> YOU WANT TO PUT A PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM? Take a picture of your GPA. And you know the other thing that has us immigrant parents really confused is this modern parenting trend in America right now. People trying to be friends with their kids. >> [laughter] >> ANYBODY KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? YEAH, RIGHT? I know brown people are like, "WHAT?" NO, IT'S A THING. IT'S A THING HERE. There are parents in this country right now telling their kids, "Don't worry about your grades. >> [laughter] >> DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR JOB. YOU BE HAPPY. IF YOU ARE HAPPY, WE ARE HAPPY." >> [laughter] [applause] >> DON'T WORRY, be happy. Who's heard that song? You heard that song? That would never be an Indian song. >> [laughter] >> Our song would be DON'T HAPPY. BE WORRIED. AND THERE IS SO MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT. Let me share a statistic because I'm nothing if I don't have a statistic for you. Last year, six out of eight spelling bee champions in AMERICA WERE INDIAN. OUR COMMUNITY WAS DEVASTATED. >> [laughter] >> THEY WERE LIKE, "75%? That's a C. A C IS FOR CHIROPRACTOR. >> [cheering] [applause] >> THAT IS NOT A DOCTOR." >> [laughter] >> AND YOU KNOW, WHEN I MAKE THESE JOKES, people ask me they're like, "How can you be so strict and old-fashioned? You're a comedian." Yeah, but my kids don't know I DO THIS. I LEAVE MY HOUSE IN SCRUBS. >> [laughter] [applause] [cheering] >> MY LINKEDIN PROFILE SAYS MOUNT SINAI. OKAY, I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THAT. They do know what I do and it's all because of Zoom. The last few years I did a lot of shows on Zoom. How many people here still working on Zoom? A little bit, right? At least a LITTLE BIT. ZOOM WAS GOOD IN THE BEGINNING, RIGHT? Like you wore your nice shirt, you combed your hair, you look good. Then a few months into it you took a little bite ON THE SIDE. >> [laughter] >> THEN A FEW MORE MONTHS, A LITTLE DRINKY DRINKY. NOW WE'RE LIKE, "I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER." KEEP THE DOOR OPEN. >> [applause] [cheering] >> SO I DID A LOT OF SHOWS for Indian families, Indian events and in those shows I would have a lot of Indian uncles. Now in America we've heard a lot about Indian aunties, but can we take a minute and talk about Indian uncles? >> [cheering] >> Yes. SO THIS IS HOW THE ZOOM WOULD OPEN UP WITH like a hundred little windows and all these Indian uncles in them looking at me like this. >> [laughter] >> As if to say, "Who is this woman and why is she talking?" And then while I was doing my set, the chat room would be fired up. You know the chat room that we could all read including me. >> [laughter] >> She's not funny. That's not funny. Okay, maybe she's a little funny. Yeah. NO, YOU CAN IMAGINE THESE INDIAN UNCLES, RIGHT? Walking around WITH THEIR HANDS >> [laughter] [applause] >> HANDS BEHIND THEIR BACK, BELLY protruding out As if they're all doing HOSPITAL ROUNDS. >> [laughter] >> BUT REALLY THEY'RE JUST AT A GARAGE SALE. And if you go to dinner with an Indian uncle and tip 20%, they lose their minds. They're like, "Oh, no one told me I'm having dinner with Bill Gates." >> [laughter] >> So I make fun of Indian guys, but the truth is they're great guys. Good fathers, great husbands, great providers. You'll never see them dunking a basketball. But they all bought Google at the right time. >> [cheering] >> No, not my husband. Not my >> [laughter] >> My husband bought Dell. Cuz you know, WHO NEEDS MONEY? >> [laughter] >> AND THE INDIAN AUNTIES ARE NOT OFF THE HOOK. NO. Kids here think they have it bad. They complain about things like they're like, "Oh, I grew up in a rough neighborhood." Greenwich. >> [laughter] >> "I didn't belong. She was mean to me." Well, do you know where I grew up? In India. >> [laughter] >> With Indian people. I WISH I HAD WHITE BULLIES. I HAD SCARY INDIAN AUNTIES. >> [laughter] >> THIS USED TO BE MY BIRTHDAY. COME. COME. PINCHING CHEEKS UNTIL THE BLOOD CLOTS. WHO IS 16 TODAY? And fat. AND SINGLE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. AND IT'S NOT LIKE I COULD SAY TO HER, "WHO IS 58 TODAY? >> [laughter] >> AND FATTER THAN ME?" BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE. AND NOW that I'm an Indian auntie, by the way, shout out to all MY INDIAN AUNTIES >> [cheering] [applause] >> OUT HERE, ONLINE, at home. Because of you guys I'M HERE TODAY. >> [cheering] [applause] >> SO MY AUNTIES WILL UNDERSTAND THIS, RIGHT? When we hang out at dinner parties, the kids all assume we're talking about them. We're not talking about them. We're talking about the one auntie WHO WASN'T INVITED. >> [laughter] >> AND THE KIDS HERE ARE SO DELICATE. My 16-year-old son, so handsome. >> [laughter] >> He recently asked me, he's like, "Mom, are you proud of me?" I was like, "Proud of you? Why?" And he goes, "Because I get good grades." I said, "You get good grades because we MAKE YOU STUDY. >> [laughter] >> WE GET YOU TUTORS. WE FEED YOU ALMONDS. >> [laughter] >> YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF US." >> [applause] [cheering] >> YOU'RE AN INDIAN KID WHO GETS GOOD GRADES. That's like a Russian mom being proud that HER KID IS A FIGURE SKATER. >> [laughter] >> RIGHT NOW THE BEST I CAN give you is that I'm not embarrassed by you. And these kids, they have no street smarts. Like you know, they come to me for help with their homework and I'm like, "I don't know anything. GOOGLE IT." AND THEN HE'LL be like, "Mom, but I have to show the work. My math teacher wants to see the work." I'm like, "Okay, GOOGLE FAKE WORK." AND MY DAUGHTER, LITTLE MISS STANFORD, overheard this interaction once and she's like, "Mom, how is it that you went to law school and you don't know anything?" >> [laughter] >> I said, "I do know something. You have a right to remain silent."