Transcription
If confidence gets respect, then playfulness gets you everything else. Attention, attraction, trust, and yet most people ignore it. In an effort to become a better people's person, I've done my fair share of homework on how to be more charming and more charismatic. And this is the one trait that I don't think is given enough credit to.
Welcome back to the Icar Playbook. Today we will be exploring the power and charisma of being playful. Let's start with how playfulness is a sign of power. In the brain, playfulness and anger, it activates two completely different nervous systems. That means you cannot feel both at once. So, if someone is genuinely playful, you know that they aren't even a little bit angry. But in movies, they sometimes portray these big displays of anger as a power move. For example, in Maleficent when her anger unleashed a wave of destruction in the forest. But that's not how it really works in real life.
In real life, anger is the flip side of fear. It means that something's gotten to you and it means that you feel threatened. When you have real dominance in a situation, when you feel safe and in control, that's when you can actually afford to feel playful. If you've seen the show The Blacklist, Raymond Readdington is the perfect example of this. He rarely takes anything seriously, but that's because he's always ahead of everyone else. While others panic or try to assert their control, his playful demeanor just signals how relaxed he is because he does not feel threatened because he's not even bothered by you and everything is within his control, which is the real display of power.
A lot of people have a very incorrect picture in their minds of what a powerful person looks like because they would imagine someone who's compulsively dominating or even a little bit aggressive and they try to be that person. And so they go on to learn how to cultivate tension, how to be sharp, how to be aggressive when the mindset should actually be to learn how to relax, how to let go of tension, how to let go of anger, ego, arrogance, and the impulse to attack. Learn to be genuinely relaxed and happy. But of course, calmly drawing firm boundaries is the real power move.
Sometimes when we think of someone being playful, we assume that they are a bit immature. But that cannot be more false. Which leads us to the next section on how playfulness is a sign of high intelligence. If someone is playful, it means they are highly intelligent, but not in the traditional way you think. Playful people are very emotionally and socially intelligent. And in reality, that can get you very far in life and sometimes more than traditional intelligence alone.
I remember back in college, I wasn't very outgoing, but I was willing to study hard, and so that's what I focused on. There was this one class I thought I did really well in, and next to me was this girl who, in comparison, had a much more playful, outgoing personality. She'd always asked questions during class, made the effort to talk to the professor after class, and even visit office hours. I knew that on paper, I got better grades since we'd often compare our mistakes together to study from them. But when final grades came around, her final grade was better than mine.
And I feel like this is seen in so many ways, shapes, and forms in the real world. For example, at work when layoffs come around and the ones that don't get let go oftentimes are the people who have the outgoing personality, who are buddies with all the right people. And the ones that do get laid off are the ones that technically have the better skills and more experience. Even in dating, you see the people who get the best treatment are generally the ones who have a more playful personality. The more serious it is, the more transactional it feels. But the more you can tease, the more you can banter and be playful, the more fun and alive the connection is.
Sometimes we see someone being playful and pass it off as someone just being silly, and we don't put a lot of value to it because we'd assume that because they don't take life seriously, people must not take them seriously. But the fact of the matter is being playful actually requires a lot of emotional and social intelligence. You're reading social cues. You're being humorous. You're connecting dots and thought patterns really quickly. You have to process who's there, what the dynamic is, and you're influencing others without force. You can take life seriously, but you're choosing not to. And when people can see how you can handle such complexity without spiraling or getting weird, they can relax. They can feel like they can let their guard down when they're around you. And that is how relationships are built.
We often assume that an intelligent person is someone who is very good at their job. They have all of these certifications and academic accomplishments. And so they try to be that person. They study harder. They work harder and dedicate themselves to getting all of these rewards and certificates, which are all incredibly impressive, of course, and are great skills and traits to have. But we also see too many examples of this type of intelligence alone not getting you as far in life as you want. Rather than solely prioritizing this more traditional form of intelligence and knowledge, learn to have a little fun along the way. Because being playful is a form of social and emotional currency that can help you build relationships and that holds so much value in a reality where who you know can be just as significant as what you know.
And the reason why this quality is so effective in helping you build relationships is because of how attractive playfulness is. It's one of the most universally attractive traits. Not because it's silly, but because it actually shifts the emotional experience of being around you. Because when you're genuinely playful, people cannot help but mirror your energy. This is called emotional contagion. Your joy, your curiosity, and your levity are contagious. They make others feel lighter, more relaxed, and more alive. They say that people can forget what you say, but they will always remember how you make them feel. And playfulness plays right into that.
When you're playful, you're expressing how much you love yourself and the joy you have in your life. And in a world where everyone moves through their day, guarded, all stressed, and overthinking, playfulness is not only refreshing, but it's also very seductive because they want to join in on whatever you're about in the life you have that you are so happy about that you can afford to be playful. But the thing is, genuine playfulness, it cannot be fake. And so get to a place where you can genuinely enjoy the life that you live. And when you do, you can begin to be playful to the people around you and the world around you, allowing you to tap into one of the most universally attractive traits. But not just attractive in the sense that it makes you more desirable, but more attractive in the sense that you become a magnet to people, to opportunities, to all different kinds of blessings.
When you approach life with curiosity, with joy, and with this lighthearted spirit, you're signaling to the world that you're approachable, you're confident, and you're safe to connect with and to engage with. It invites connection, and as a result, it will open doors for you. Opportunities will be drawn to you, and relationships will naturally develop. And so after exploring how powerful, how intelligent, and how attractive playfulness is, how can we actually become more playful? These are some tips that I've compiled from my own experience as well as analyzing inspiration around me.
Tip number one, don't take everything so literal. Playful people dance around conversations instead of overanalyzing, overexplaining, or overcorrecting. This was me also where I felt like I had to be right. I had to get my point across or I had to have the upper hand to be taken seriously. But sometimes getting your point across doesn't equate to you getting what you want. Going back to Readington, in comparison to his colleagues in the FBI who were significantly more serious and got taken seriously, Readington was more playful. In exchanges, he rarely pushes to get his point across. In fact, he's either evasive or overshares a story that no one really asks for. But at the end of each episode, he always got what he wanted, which proves how being so serious and being so literal about everything, it's not as effective as we make it out to be.
Tip number two is develop your teasing style. Being playful and teasing, it's a form of art. There is no one way to be playful. So, if you have your own style, lean into it. If not, steal like an artist. Take notes from people you find incredibly charming. And honestly, just take inspiration. With my friends, I'm obnoxiously flirty, like how Sabrina Carpenter can sometimes get when she arrests people for being too hot. On dates, I'm a little bit more subtle, kind of like how Donna from Suits interacts with people. I like to be confident, but add a bit of banter to keep things light and playful. You can create a roster of people that you find playful and charming and just channel their personality in different situations when and where it's needed. Experiment, observe, play around with different styles, and just have fun with it.
And tip number three is to find joy in the small things because at the end of the day, playfulness comes from genuinely enjoying your life. And so, start expressing your joy even from the little things like a good cup of coffee, a new show that just came out, or a new hobby that you're exploring. Allow yourself to feel excited because these little moments of enjoyment, they add up. The more joy you find in the little things in life, the more joy you begin to develop for life in general. And this carries over into your interactions. And at this point, even if you don't attract exactly what it is that you're looking for, you still have this life that you genuinely feel excited about, full of joy, and full of fun.
I hope that this episode was able to show the value of playfulness and as a result encourage you to become more playful because it will not only make your life more fun, but it will dramatically improve your relationships, the opportunities you get, and overall the quality of your entire life. This is something that I've been trying to more intentionally work on outside of my friendships as well. And it has dramatically improved the conversations I've had and as a result, the relationships that I've built. If you can master the art of being playful, you can master the connections around you and as a result, master the reality around you.
That's it for today. Be sure to check out the girl newsletter for episode recaps, to join in on the conversation, and to help decide on what to explore next. I hope to see you in our next episode. And in the meantime, as always, stay hot. Bye.