Transcription
Tonight's caller is 36, divorced with a 10-year-old son, and says she wants stability, marriage, and real commitment. She believes she brings value to relationships, but feels like she never gets the same energy back in return. She talks about cooking, mindset, effort, and doing her part. But when Kevin starts digging in her past marriage, her divorce, and the choices she made along the way, the conversation takes a serious turn. Instead of talking about feelings and fantasies, Kevin breaks it down with logic, responsibility, and real life consequences. From therapy to co-parenting to whether going back to her child's father makes more sense than starting over. Nothing gets avoided in this call.
>> Hello.
>> How are you?
>> I'm good. How are you? Hold on. Let me turn my TV down so I can hear you.
>> Okay, that would be wise.
>> Yeah.
>> All right. What do you got for me?
So now that you're talking about competence, um I feel like I've brought some value to relationships. I just feel like the value that I bring is not necessarily reciprocated in a way.
>> Okay.
>> Um you were speaking earlier about what you have to offer. I feel like yeah, I can cook. I don't have a cookbook, but I got some good recipes under my belt and um I got a pretty good head on my shoulders. I think it's just the choices that I've been making when it comes to men. And that's no fault of my own. I can't blame men for the choices I've made. So, just to kind of, you know, um that's where I'm at right now. I'm single.
>> How old How old are you? How old are you?
>> I'm 36.
>> Okay. Uh do you have any children?
>> I have one son. I have a 10-year-old.
>> All right. What do you want?
>> I want stability. I want a solid I mean pretty much married.
>> Do you want to be married?
>> I do. I was married before. Um to to have another union would be good.
>> Were you married to your son's father?
>> Yes.
>> Uh how long were you guys married?
>> We were married for almost five years.
>> Uh and why did you guys split?
>> We split because the relationship was unhealthy. We just weren't getting along. I feel like he wanted to be married. I felt like he felt it was the right thing to do because he felt I think we were kind of pressured by both sides of the family.
>> Were you pregnant?
>> I was pregnant. Yes. So, did you guys Did you guys get any How long were you together before you got pregnant?
>> About almost a year. It wasn't that It wasn't that long.
>> Did you guys get any kind of counseling while you were married?
>> We did. We got counseling, but I feel like the counseling sessions were biased. Um, because a lot of the things I was bringing up to the attention of the uh the therapist. It was like it was almost like sides were being taken. So, I just felt like he was coming.
>> He was obviously biased against you, right?
>> His bias against me.
>> You know that's not accurate.
>> Therapist therapist therapists key in on the most problematic of the two and go there first. But if I had a dollar for every time a woman tells me that they went to the therapy and feel like the therapist was biased,
>> I'd have a whole lot of dollars.
>> Right.
>> What what would a what the therapist have to gain from being biased?
>> I mean, he has really nothing to gain. I mean, he's getting paid either way. So, by he's getting paid.
>> But that's what you said. You felt like the therapy was biased. So that was a justification to to end therapy sooner or not listen.
>> I mean that's what I was feeling at the time but now that I've matured and then I look at the perspective of it I mean like you're saying it doesn't necessarily
One thing I wanted to ask you is I don't know if you realize how many times you said I feel I feel I feel I feel I feel I'm going say something that's going to be tough. You need to prepare for it. You're a middle-aged woman. I'm tired of hearing middle-aged women talk about how you feel all the time. You need to grow up and think and and the world has allowed women to be in their emotions which are mutable and always changing.
>> Go back to therapist. I feel like he was being biased. But what do you think? Do you think he was just keying in on the most problematic area and doing triage saying as though he had no money to gain, no dog in the fight? What do you think?
>> I think he was taking the facts at hand and he was basing his assessments and the therapy that he was offering on what was on the table, not on the emotion emotional aspect, but the facts. So if you had thought that way then, what what would have likely happened?
>> I think I would have processed the therapy a little bit differently, maybe use those tools to repair the marriage. um
>> I feel like there's things that I could have done more um to to process that information to apply it to our marriage. But it was like after the after therapy was over and we kind of uh stopped going to the sessions, it was like the marriage just continued to tank.
>> We stopped going to the sessions.
>> We both I mean we were having like verbal spats and
>> Okay. But
>> so we just saw
>> but there's usually a precipitation. So my point is this had you had you thought instead of felt and had you valued your marriage and your relationship and wanted to save it versus divorce. We've made it very easy for people to leave now. Okay, fine. But now you're a mother of one divorced out here. And if you want to have a relationship with a man, again, you're going to have the same messy, chaotic pieces. People are imperfect,
>> right?
>> This is why I'm a fan of actually working through what you have with somebody you make a baby with. Because the reality is, man, most men do not want to take on another man's child. Did you know that?
>> I'm starting to get that a lot more. I'm starting to really understand that. Um, you know, the last relationship I was in, he kind of made that very apparent, very clear. You know,
>> in my head,
>> where's your child's father?
>> Pardon me.
>> Where's your child's father? Ex-husband.
>> Oh, he's very active in my child's life. He lives 10 minutes from me and I see him every
>> pardon me.
>> Is he remarried?
>> No.
>> When you going to go apologize to him? I don't know. I I got a wild idea. This is going to be kind of crazy. You know the man you decided to lay down and create a life with that you see every day? Why don't you go back and live with him and work it out instead of trying to do this [ __ ] over and over again with new guys who ain't gonna marry you and they got nothing invested in your son. How about that?
>> Well, he lives with his parents, so I I don't want to move to his parents' house, but
>> Okay. Okay. Well, ma'am, you picked it.
>> I I did. I'm not I'm not bashing.
>> So, instead he moved to his parents. There's no due respect. Was Were you guys living in a house together when you were married?
>> We were. Yes.
>> All right. Is he on any Is he having any kind of mental problems or anything like that right now?
>> No.
>> That he could move into your house with your son and put his family back together. I know it's I know it's crazy to think that the person you made a baby with would have more of an interest in making sure that your son and his son had the best outcome versus random guys coming through the house just to have interactions with you knowing they don't want to stay for a long time. Just a thought. Just a thought. Especially since you can honestly say today you didn't really give therapy an open shot.
>> But it sounds to me that he's still reasonable enough with you to where he's co-arenting effectively.
>> He is.
>> Well, then what do you want? Do you want love, romance? Do you want a soulmate? Is that what you want?
>> I do.
>> Then go watch a goddamn Disney movie. You're a mother. You get duty. That's what you get. You get duty. Duty to your son, duty to your husband, duty to your family. The women who came before you guys understood that they needed to had a duty to everyone else, not just their fifies,
>> right?
>> So, thank you for at least being honest. But man, western romance and ideas like that are are are notions for girls, not women. Because
>> you're still young enough to where and fortunate enough to where regardless he's not gone anywhere. You haven't gone anywhere. Um, I am always a big proponent of going back, especially with what we're about to start seeing now. I don't know what state. What state do you live in?
>> I'm in California. I'm in Los Angeles.
>> So, say you got to be in California. You got to be in California. And what we're about to start seeing anyway, um, just think about it. Think about it because your son is how old? Six.
>> He's 10.
>> 10. 10. So, he'll be out of the house in eight years and you'll be 44. Okay. One in four black women will marry. You've had yours already.
>> Mhm.
>> If you don't remarry, what does the rest of life look like?
>> A lot of traveling.
>> A lot of traveling. What do you do for a living?
>> I'm an accountant at a law firm.
>> Okay. So, you make good money, decent money.
>> Um, how much are you going to need to retire to withhold my expenses? Probably at least six grand a month, you know, to stay afloat at least.
>> So, that's 72 a year.
>> Mhm.
>> All right. 72 a year. But 15 years, you're talking about a 1.5 1.6.
>> Yeah.
>> Are you on track to make that? To stack that liquid 1.6 liquid?
>> I got some I got a ways to go.
>> I got a ways to go.
>> Are you on track?
>> Uhuh.
>> I was
>> No. No.
>> You can't do No. No. No. You're not on track to stack 1.6 liquid. No.
>> No. See, at some point it does become it does become a math equation.
So either you decrease your standard of living and live the rest of your life and die alone or you choose to work with the man you chose to reproduce with and you guys build some semblance of a life together partner practically like every other human being did in the court of time. I mean, there's love stories of well, when we're in agrarian economy, people weren't in love. They had responsibilities. Why' they have so many kids? Because they had to have people working,
>> right?
>> These are first world issues, man. And my thing is, a lot of women are told, "Don't if you're not happy, better to be by yourself." I'm against that. I don't care about your happiness. I care about duty and respect. Did he res Did he at least respect you?
>> There was parts where he did not, but for the most part, yes, he respected me. Yes.
>> Well, ma'am, he married you after he found out you guys were pregnant. Uh
>> oh. Um, three month three months after my son got here, we decided to get married. Yes.
>> Right. So, he married you. Okay. Well, I think duty and I think duty and respect matter more than love. Love comes later. Um, and fortunately, he's still open and available to talk to you. I mean, I think you may look at this really differently if a year from now you looked up and he actually has a new wife.
>> I think so.
>> Well, then uh call him, apologize, and say we need to talk. No, novel concept. Novel concept. Hey, big head. We need to talk. You know that therapy stuff that we had when we was married, I kind of wasn't in the right head space. And I look back and I probably could have done some things better. I could have did this. I could have did that. You might just be amazed that he may say, "You know what? I could have did some things better, too." You know, I've been thinking maybe we should try this again. I think your son will like it. You ain't doing nothing else. Let's be real. You ain't doing nothing else.
>> No, I'm not.
>> And ain't nothing else coming. And uh so people can get mad at me all day long. Say I'm not romantic, but I have Anyway, just think about it. Think about it. Have a glass of wine. You're an accountant. Get your get your abocus out and start counting calculating. You know how this works, Chica. Have a good one. Byebye.
>> Thanks. Bye-bye.
All right. Listen, before you click off, let me talk to you for real for a minute because this is one of those conversations that people going to laugh at, clip up, turn into memes, argue about in the comments, and then completely ignore when it comes to their own life. And that's exactly why so many people stay stuck in the same place for years acting confused about why nothing ever changes. A lot of y'all watch these videos like it's reality TV, like it's just entertainment, like, "Damn, he cooked her. Damn, that was crazy. Damn, that was wild." And then you close YouTube, open Instagram, and go right back to the same habits, the same mindset, the same dating patterns, the same excuses, the same red flags, the same bad decisions. And then 6 months later, you're in the exact same emotional situation, wondering why life keeps playing you. And this is what people don't like to hear most of the time. It's not bad luck. It's not your ex. It's not society. It's not social media. It's not there are no good men. It's not all women are this. It's the choices you keep making every single day and refusing to take responsibility for. Because it's easy to say, I want stability. I want peace. I want love. I want marriage. But it's harder to ask yourself, do my actions actually line up with that? Do my standards match my lifestyle? Do my habits support the future I say I want? Am I becoming better or am I just getting older? A lot of people are aging, not growing. A lot of people are getting more experience, not more wisdom. A lot of people are learning what doesn't work, but never changing what they do. If you got value from this, hit the like button, subscribe, and make sure you support Kevin Samuels original content because without him, these conversations wouldn't even exist. We're gonna keep bringing you real, unfiltered, honest talks like this. No fake motivation, no sugar coating, no fantasy. Just real life.