Transcription
We all have a narrator that narrates our life. When people are setting goals, what they're typically setting are symptoms. These are the symptoms that I want to have, but what they're not setting are the cause of those symptoms. Shame and the fear of shame is what holds people back from really doing that stuff. Nothing of what you're seeing is discipline. That guy who goes to the gym every day, none of that is discipline. It's routine. The discipline was there when the habit was started only. The best advice that I could give somebody, be delusionally self-forgiving about everything.
The first thing is we have to realize that we all have a narrator that narrates our life. The second thing is we choose what that narrator highlights and focuses on. So that narrator is going to dictate what we think and how we view our life and all of that, but it it a lot of this narrator is also about perspective. So like all these problems are perspective and priority. That's it. Perspective and priority. And it it sucks to to have this problem throughout our life and then like, oh this this one little shift can change this thing I've been dealing with. So we we have some mental resistance to that. Like why would something so simple solve this big complex thing? And I realized that people have very complex issues in their life, but this that doesn't mean the solution has to be complex.
So number one, the narrator is there. And number two, you can remind yourself, for anybody going through this, remind yourself that going off of these details, saying that I am a failure and then I know that this won't happen in the future for me. Uh that's you're we're starting to border on narcissism. Because we're saying I picked to the right perspective. I know how I know every detail of the story and I know what to focus on and I can predict the future. Uh so, we're starting to get into this little narcissistic self-referential bubble of I know what the future holds. I think just dissecting some of those beliefs is the biggest way to do that. And dissecting it meaning like is this objective or subjective? Am I really buried in this?
And then, uh one of the things I've I've done with a lot of my clients is take one of those beliefs. So, let's say we've got somebody that says, "I am a failure." So, that means I'm not I I can't be successful or I can't do this thing. I can't have this stuff in my life. Then we'll make a giant meme. Like with beautiful mountains on it and we'll put the text on the screen like uh you have to be perfect in order to be successful. Which is ridiculous. But we see this stupid idea on a regular basis and we bring it into conscious awareness so we realize how stupid some of this internal dialogue is. So, we made it like this his desktop wallpaper this big photo of mountains. And then we put on there uh I think this guy that I'm referring to right now, he had some uh money psychology stuff. But his limiting belief was like, "I can't make money or I feel guilty if I make money and then I can't make a lot of money cuz that means I'm a bad person cuz I'm not donating it." So, we made we took his limiting belief and made it extreme. So, we want to exaggerate that. So, we took his limiting belief and I think uh what he put on his desktop wallpaper was my kids don't deserve money. Because I I told him at the end the day, that's really what you're saying. And and if somebody thinks they're a failure, it's my kids and the people that I leave don't deserve uh me at my best. They need me to think that I'm a failure. Or I might put on the wallpaper, if I think I'm a failure, that means I'm a good person. Just to kind of bring that into conscious awareness as fast as we can and and show ourselves how absurd and ridiculous some of this stuff is.
And I think at the end of the day, you watch somebody go through a psychedelic journey, some spiritual revelation happens in their life, they lose their loved one and and everything in their life changes. The first big thing that happens is all that that I thought was a really big deal is not a big deal anymore. Everything that I thought was a huge deal is no longer a big deal. And this is no matter what kind of huge awakening someone has, that's step one to all of these awakenings is everything I thought was a big deal ain't a big deal.
So, any of those goals, I would I would say for everybody and I've studied human motivation for a while. I don't think I'm a goal-setting expert, but I would definitely say that making being a million What What was the goal? Having a million dollars by the time I'm 25. That is a That is a thing. Right? So, that is a symptom of something. Owning a yacht when I'm 23 is a symptom of having done something with my life. So, when people are setting goals, what they're typically setting are symptoms. These are the symptoms that I want to have, but what they're not setting are the cause of those symptoms. So, like being a millionaire by the time I'm 25, to do that, for that to be a byproduct, what would I have to do with my life? So, for all of our goals, we have to go back and say, "How do I make my goal, this little shallow goal that I have on the top here, how do I make that a byproduct of how I live my life?" So, that's how we have to set goals. So, most people are setting symptoms instead of goals. What we want to set are the causes. How can I cause that million dollars to be in my bank account? So, that means I have to wake up at a certain time. That means I have to do this and this and this. Those should be the goals. The byproduct should be the million dollars by by the time you're 25.
And I think that the reason that we're we're like, "Oh, I'm not getting success that I want." is that we're we're seeking, and I I'm just going to go back to this. We're seeking we're we're defining success as symptoms instead of causes. So, if I work on these causes hard enough that that my lack of success is a lack of me kind of working and getting to the place I need to be. 100% the world's not fair, never will be. We just got to get over that. And anybody would say that they've been through, there are a hundred successful people who've been through way worse uh than than you have. So, it's definitely out there. But, my my vision of success should not be a symptom. It should be a cause. So, am I am I following all these things? Then yes, then that's that I'm achieving my goals. So, my actual goals are just these behaviors and habits that I need in order for that million dollars to be there.
So, number one, change the narrator. And number two, there's a couple of things it's and that always comes down to confidence. If I have a lot of self-doubt, that's going to be a big one. But, even bigger than self-doubt is shame and self-judgment. And you know, most judgment is us kind of casting that off onto other people. So, the the fastest way and there's no hack for this, but the fastest way to do this is to become so self-forgiving that people would think that you're crazy. Like, you're bat crazy because you're so forgiving of yourself because shame and the fear of shame is what holds people back from really doing that stuff.
And when it comes to confidence, that there's two main elements of confidence and that number one is radical radical self-forgiveness. Like, who gives a crap what happened in the past? Just radical to the point where it's insane cuz if you're feeling down, you're in the dumps, like you're a little you're doubting yourself all the time, that's already delusional. You're already delusional. That's the best advice that I could give somebody. Be delusionally self-forgiving about everything. Most people look back with regret and shame. I shouldn't have done that or I should have done that. I can't believe I embarrassed myself. I can't believe I you know, did that thing in front of those people. Get so forgiving of everything that you've ever done of yourself that it is like delusional to the point where it's just crazy. And you're thinking, I shouldn't forgive myself for that. You get to a point where everything is fine and it's just hilarious. If you get to that point, your ability to stay in the present and not stuck in the past will 10x overnight. Just the ability to be delusionally self-forgiving. So, just pick delusions in the other direction and be more delusionally self-forgiving.
The part two of that confidence is a generalized, it does not need to be specific, but a very generalized expectation that things are going to be okay. And just those two things, you will drastically just shed so much weight that you notice like so many people carry this stuff around like shame about some thing that happened like when they were 20 or when they were in in high school. If you get to the point of radical forgiveness for other people and for yourself, you get to a point of I have confidence and and that is changing the narrator.
But, I would say the third part is stop waiting for permission. Because a lot of people are waiting for some signal, once my bank account reaches this much, once people respect me and I can prove that to myself. They'll they'll just wait on these little milestones. And those milestones act as little permission slips for us to feel confident. And they're they're completely artificial. They're absolutely placebos. They don't do anything to make you more confident. It's just a placebo. So, there is no one coming to give you permission. You've just got to give it to yourself.
So, one of the biggest mistakes that I see clients making, so if you're my client here and I'm I'm talking to you and this is our our thing here, there was a mistake in your language that I hear from so many people, if you don't mind me calling you out. You said it discipline to do all of these things that I don't want to do. A lot of people see people eating healthy and going to the gym, maybe eating a keto diet or or something like that. And they're doing these things all the time. Maybe they're writing a book. And they're they're disciplined about writing the book. But, the our mind says, I wish I had that level of discipline. Or or we internally think, they are so disciplined about that. Nothing of what you're seeing is discipline. That guy who goes to the gym every day, none of that is discipline. It's routine. The discipline was there when the habit was started only.
So, it's very important that we understand discipline is a finite resource. So, let's let's start one habit at a time. So, we're setting habits instead of goals. And the discipline is only we only need like a little shot glass full of discipline to kick off a habit. And most people have these 19 goals like they're sitting there eating hot dogs every day and they're surfing social media for 18 hours a day. They have this really horrible lifestyle and they're like, "You know what? In 6 weeks, I'm going to be muscular, fit, thin, successful, rich, good-looking, and have extremely white teeth." So, you need one Try to do one discipline habit formation at a time.
And the fastest discipline thing that kind of sprouts to rewards in every other area of life is I'm going to use this little shot glass of discipline to start forming a habit of taking care of my future self. If I can do that, if that becomes a habit, everything benefits. Every single aspect of my life starts changing cuz I'm getting I'm using my discipline to force this one thing into a habit for like I think it's 64 days it takes to set a habit and whatever number somebody says is wrong. Some of them are are useful, but it's probably around around that time. I'm going to use that little shot glass of discipline to do that.
So, now if I have a habit of prioritizing my future self, every other habit that I want to form starts getting easier because I have an emotional relationship with that future version of me. Yeah, and that that goes back to do I manage my environment, my time, appearance, social, financial. And if those things are on the up, like you you're actually taking care of yourself, you're living life how you really want to live it, but you're it doesn't matter what the metrics are. If you're doing the right things and you're living off camera, so not you're not not your results, but your behavior when you're off camera will dictate how people feel about you. So, if you try to act confident and you're feeling insecure about all of this stuff because you haven't made your bed, you didn't get up early, you don't have a lot of discipline, but you're trying to give this appearance of confidence or discipline out in public, you've got to start living that way off camera, so that's that's just a natural thing.
And most people view confidence as something that you do, like it's a thing that I do. And then all it is is removal of things. It's not adding in anything. So, the biggest lesson I ever learned in my lifetime training operatives and stuff is that confidence is not additive. Like I don't need to add things to you to to get you to be confident. I need you to remove this fear of social judgment. This is why public speaking is the number one fear. And second, I really need you to remove this self-shame and all this crap that you're carrying for no reason. It doesn't make you a better person at all. It doesn't make you a better person to feel ashamed of this stuff. It makes you a worse person. It makes you less effective and it makes you more judgmental of other people.
And the final element of this is composure. And when most people go out and try to be confident, they're either in posturing mode or collapse mode. So, in posturing mode, someone's like puff their chest out, they speak louder than they they normally would, and they try to overdo confidence. And then the collapse mode is I'm going to shrink so other people feel more comfortable around me. But I think the middle of that is just composure is the word I would have for that. So, just make composure like this daily practice, and composure is is the fastest route when it comes to practicing things, composure is the fastest route to confidence.