Transcription
If you're a middle-aged man and you find yourself divorced after 10, 20, or more years of marriage, well, you're probably dealing with some of the most significant trauma you've ever faced. Whether you realize it or not, the impact on your mind and your body is quite significant. I have heard war veterans who have seen combat and seen people blown up and killed talk about how their divorce was more traumatic to them than war. So that gives you some perspective. This is not something to be taken on lightly.
However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there's a path forward. I like to call it life 2.0. In life 2.0, you're going to rediscover your authentic self and you're going to move forward and live a life more intentionally, one that is specifically designed to satisfy your dreams, your desires, your goals. This is not about women or wives. This is about you becoming the best version of yourself and having the best life you can imagine. So, let's get into it and talk about some life 2.0.
So, as we go through each of these steps, there's going to be a physical and a non-physical aspect to each one. And even though I'm going to give them to you in an order, there's no rule. There's no specific order you need to do this in. You can adapt this to your life however you wish.
In the first phase, for me, it was a combination of acceptance. In other words, accepting what is, not rejecting the reality that I find myself in, which sounds simple, but it's a lot harder than you might think because there's that voice in your head that's constantly reliving that marriage, especially the last couple years, and is trying to deny the fact that you find yourself single in this moment. You might even be thinking about how you might be able to reconcile. You know, everybody's got their thing, but if you're rejecting reality, you're experiencing a lot of pain. And the more you reject reality, the more pain you're going to experience. I guarantee it. So, finding acceptance is critically important to uh your healing. And you've got to look at this like a like an injury, like a wound, because it is. And if you don't deal with it, you will bleed out. I promise you, you will absolutely bleed out. So, number one, acceptance.
And along with acceptance, and what makes acceptance a lot easier is getting your own place. Establishing a new home base. And this new home base does not have to meet anyone else's standards. Let me make that really clear. This is your home base, not hers, not the future woman, not anybody's. This is yours. So, you build it and design it and customize it only for you. It needs to feel comfortable. It needs to feel decadent on some level, like you're indulging some aspect of yourself that you've denied for 20 or 30 years, [laughter] you know? Um, just find that way to create yourself a home that um that'll help you live comfortably and make you feel like it's authentically yours.
So, in phase two of Life 2.0, you know, you've got to take stock of what resources you have left at your disposal. You've got to figure out how much money you've got. Um, you know, what kind of furniture you got, uh, you know, your car, what are your assets. You got to figure out financially where are you in the world once your divorce settlement is done. You know, what are you going to be left with? So, you can kind of get an idea for how you can begin to build your life and what's going to be necessary to get it to where you want it to be.
At the same time, you're going to have to appreciate the people and the situations that you have left in your life. Now, this may sound a little, you know, um, out there, but appreciation is an extremely powerful energy. And the more that you appreciate those things that are in your life, the more valuable they will become. So phase two is all about your assets. both your physical assets, you know, your um cash, your car, your home, your furniture, whatever that stuff is, and then your um your non-physical assets, you know, friendships, partnerships, children, um jobs, uh connections that you have, and how you can leverage them through appreciation to help you heal. from this, you know, this massive wound, this stressful traumatic, you know, midlife crisis that you're going through. Um, focusing in on those things that you appreciate really does make an enormous difference because it kind of lifts your chin up. You're no longer, you know, hanging your head in shame or in guilt or whatever you might feel as a result of this divorce. You know, that sense of failure. you're able to appreciate the things that are still here, the things that you really value, the relationships that are still important to you. And having that frame of mind changes your perspective from one of, you know, from a negative one to a much more positive one. Um, and I can't tell you how important it is to get that perspective changed during this time.
If you don't have a close friend, then I strongly suggest you seek out some counseling. Um, I do coaching, but I am not a therapist. And it may be that at this time in your life, you need to have some professional guidance. Even if you don't feel like you need it, it may still be worthwhile just to schedule a couple of appointments with um a counselor to kind of walk you through this and help you just sort of bounce some ideas around, reflect on some thoughts, ideas, and feelings that you may be experiencing because there's a lot going on. And even though you might seem like you're fine, you know, it's like any other PTSD, it kind of will reappear and pop up in your life in times that you don't imagine that it will. And unless you can get your your head around it and really understand what's going on inside you, it's inevitable that these wounds will fester and they will eventually cause you problems when you least expect it. So, getting a little help at this time and leaning on your friends. Um, talking things through, uh, using a journal. You know, I strongly recommend that you use a journal, not just to write down your thoughts, but to write down just sort of the daily progress that you're making, moving from being in a bad marriage to being, you know, single and uh, in the throws of life 2.0, know where you are authentically experiencing joy perhaps for the first time in your life, fulfillment at a level that you never imagined.
The path between, you know, from being in that bad marriage and feeling all those negative feelings and having all those negative thoughts about yourself to finding your authenticity and doing the things that you enjoy and being the person that you want to be is a rewarding one, but it's not fast. This is something you might have to grind at for a year or two or three. It's worth it. It's worth it, but you're not gonna you're not just gonna zip right through this. So, keep that in mind.
In phase three, it's about looking forward and looking back. So, you're going to want to create a vision for your life. And this is not something that necessarily you've thought about in the past. So, don't jump to conclusions. you can knock this out real fast. It's not necessarily one of those kind of things. It's something you might have to give some real thought and meditation to cuz you're midlife, you know, you're say between the ages of 45 and 65. Clock is ticking. So you time is of the essence. Time is extremely valuable to us right now. And you've got to figure out how you want to use your time at this second half of your life to achieve the things that the first half of your life did not provide. Um to help you achieve a level of authenticity. And I keep saying that word authenticity because I think so many of us get into a a marriage that goes wrong because we were trying to be someone to please her. We were trying to um appear to the world to be someone in life 1.0. We were trying to go through the algorithm of going to school and going to get a job and getting married and having a kids and checking all the boxes and pres pretending to be a um just another cog in the machine. Just another guy out there doing his thing. But your authentic self probably didn't bleed into that too much. Probably didn't lean in there too much. And frequently when marriages blow up and people hit that midlife crisis point, it's because they've ignored this authentic part of themselves. And now is the time to find that authentic you. Because if you don't, you never will. This is the only time you've got. So you've got to create that vision for what your life is going to look like based on who you know yourself to be.
So the process of creating this vision, you got to do it in stages. And I would start 5 years out and keep it vague at 5 years. Start with what does it feel like to be you 5 years from now. Like how does it feel to be you know um in your terms of your financial success or your assets? What does that feel like? Um, what are the relationships in your life like at 5 years out? What are your hobbies and your interests 5 years out? What are the things that you know you never were able to address during your marriage or as a young man that you think now is the time to get around to that? And 5 years from now, how far down that path do you want to be?
Then the next one is bring it in a bit down to say between one and three years. So from the end of year one to the end of year three, what does that look like? So if you know where you want to feel, how you want to feel, and what your activities are, and the kind of relationships you want to have, let's start creating the road map by filling in the middle part here. So how are you going to create those relationships? What kinds of activities are you going to be involved with? Um what kind of changes do you need to start making during this part of your recovery journey? because here's where you start putting the pieces in place for that 5-year plan to to really manifest.
And then this first year, this first year is the beginning part. So, this is the last thing we're going to focus on because it is the most important because if you're going to get to that 5year mark or that three-year mark, you've got to start now with what is required of you to put the pieces in place for all of that to unfold. Now, you don't need to make it happen in this moment, but you've got to make the decisions about where you going to live. Um, how much is your your monthly budget going to be? Uh, what kind of car are you going to drive? What kind of employment are you going to have? Is career something that's really critically important to you? Is that something that you never really got to fully um experience? You know, a job or career path or something like that that you never really got to enjoy because you felt like you had to make a living. And so you did what was required to make as much money as possible, but you always denied yourself the opportunity to do something that you tr truly loved. If that's the case, then now's the time to find that thing and do it.
Um, the other part of this this phase is you got to you got to do forgiveness. And I know a lot of people just scream when I talk about forgiveness. I'll never forgive that Oh my god, she's such a effing you know what. you know, and I'm sure she is, and I'm not going to deny that for a second. However, forgiveness is not about her. It's about you because you're the one carrying a grudge. Now, I have seen people carry grudges for years. And you know what happens to them? Almost every single one of them implode at some point. They die alone in a puddle of their own tears and regret. And I'm not just making that up. I have seen it firsthand. And until they can release these grudges and they can get away from this anger and they can forgive at a profound level, that person's, you know, that ex-wife, whoever it is that betrayed you, unless you can forgive that betrayal and let that anger and grudge go, release it. Just stop having that feeling. Doesn't matter whether that person that you're forgiving knows it or not. It just doesn't matter. This is about you releasing the negative energy that you're holding in you about them because if you don't, it will destroy you. Listen to me carefully. If you don't let go of that grudge, it will destroy you. So, if you are willing to pay the price of the rest of your life being all about hating her, you will pay the ultimate price for it. It will cost you everything. So, you will have allowed your ex-wife not only to destroy the first half of your life, but also to destroy what little you have left. And if you think that's a good idea, then you are an idiot. And I'll say that again. If you think that holding a grudge that will eat you from the inside out and leave you in worse condition than you can possibly imagine 5, 10, 20 years from now, you will hate your life. If you want to do that, then you are an idiot. And I have no advice for you because you're going to suffer and suffer and suffer and suffer and you're going to make everybody around you suffer, too. You're going to lose every friend you ever had. you probably lose your job and I'm telling you it'll make you so sick. Autoimmune diseases, uh, metabolic diseases, cancer, all of it. It's all headed your way. You're just creating the the environment for it to to manifest. So, you can either forgive or you can suffer. So, you better find a way to forgive.
And all you're trying to do is just see this situation from a different perspective. If you can see this not from your angle of how it feels to you to be you in this situation, but from a broader perspective of how these events might have served you to become a better part of yourself so that you have grown as a man as a result of this situation. And you have this opportunity right now in life 2.0 to experience a better life than you could have possibly imagined. Sometimes you need the contrast of what life is like when it sucks before you can truly enjoy what it's like when it doesn't suck. You know, like sometimes you think that you want to be married. You spend the first 20 25 30 years of your life wanting to find a woman and now you get to spend the last 25 or 30 years being so glad that she's gone. [laughter] So enjoy that, you know, and forgive her for it and just say, you know, that's what I needed at that time. That's what I wanted at that time. Yeah, she wasn't the right person. She turned, she changed, whatever. She was a Whatever. Doesn't matter. Just let it go. Just let the pain go. Forgive her. Just let it go. You don't need to forget. You don't need to trust her again. You don't, you know, you can still keep that in mind that she's not a trustworthy person and she's, you know, a cheater or a betrayer or whatever you want. Doesn't matter. But you got to forgive and let it go. Because once you do that, you can truly discover your authentic self. You're going to find peace. You're going to find real peace. And when you're living your life in a peaceful place and you're doing the things that you want to do, it makes it all worth it.
You know, I look back at my marriage and uh I mean, it wasn't as miserable as some of the ones that I've heard, but you know, when you get in the cold shoulder treatment and it goes on for years, you're not getting sex for years and and she just seems profoundly pissed off and [laughter] unhappy for whatever reason, and you're working as hard as you can to make her happy. you you know you know as a man you just feel like I can't do anymore you know and I'm fortunate because I finally reached that point where I realized there was nothing more I could do and I could not be responsible for her happiness and fulfillment in our relationship. So when she asked to leave I was like okay I'm just going to let it go. It took me a while to get past it. You know it took me a good solid year or two to find my true peace and to let go of my anger because she went on to another guy shortly after me. And it took me a while to get past that, but once I did, ah, man, my life got so much better, you know, uh, peace, um, just fulfillment in my life on a day-to-day basis, making more money than I have ever made, doing less work than I've ever done. So, it's there for you. It's there, and I strongly suggest that you um, embrace it because if you don't, you're going to wish you had. I promise you that.
All right, you guys. Those are the three basic phases. Before we go, I just kind of talk about a couple other little things that are just in addition to that. So, in your relationship with your ex, there are really three entities. There's you, there's her, and there is the marriage. And the the marriage is an entity in and of itself that has energy. And it's not unhealthy to mourn the loss of that relationship. Even though you might hate her, the loss of who you were in that relationship is a real thing. Um, you played a role and that role now no longer exists in your life. It wasn't just for her or for your kids. It was for you, too. And rediscovering yourself is really critical to recovering from that loss, from recovering from losing who you were in that relationship. So grieving the relationship while you're angry about what's happened is totally normal. And that's why this time in your life can be so confusing. But just do it. Just grieve it and hate her and then forgive her.
Reconnecting with your passions, your hobbies, the things that you didn't get a chance to do over the last 20 or 25 years, new things that you've been curious about. Even if it's stupid stuff, even if you want to get like a, you know, a PS5 or an Xbox or whatever, just to play video games, do it. Why not? Now's the time to do it. You want to build a model railroad in your house, do it. You know, if you want to fly drones around the woods like me, do it. you know, just embrace that inner child, that inner boy, you know, and uh and have some fun, man. Just have some fun. When else you going to get a chance if you're not going to do it now?
Reclaiming your identity after marriage is probably the one of the most gratifying and fulfilling experiences I have had. And I think you'll find that it's true for you too. Once you get past the initial shock and you start putting together your vision for the future and you start establishing your new home and embracing these hobbies and taking stock of all the people and relationships you have and you know who what are the real assets you have? you've gone through that process of accepting what's happened. Um, appreciating what's left, forgiving what's happened, not just forgiving her, but you probably got to do some forgiving to yourself, too. Sometimes that's the hardest one to forgive because you were in it. You did some stuff, too. You may you at least made the choice to marry this crazy girl. So, maybe it was based on some insecurity that you had when you were a young man. Who knows? But you got to forgive it all. You just got to let it go. You just got to let it go.
Live in this moment. In this moment, everything's fine. And you got to keep telling yourself that because you're going to have some tough days. You got to remind yourself that in this moment, you're okay. And you just need to take this one moment at a time and keep building your life until it's finally the way you want it to look, until it's got all the aspects that you want to have in it. And you wake up one morning and you're looking forward to the day. and you're just so glad things worked out the way they did and that if she hadn't left you, think about how miserable you would be right now. So, when you put all that in perspective, this divorce might be the best thing that ever happened to you. So, embrace it. And this way. Come on, pal.
So, just a few words on loneliness. I made a video recently on solitude. And solitude is a space where you become stronger, more resilient, more independent, where you discover your authenticity, where you get clarity, where you establish all the tools that you need for a successful life 2.0. Loneliness is where you feel sorry for yourself or you fall into depression and you get despair and you start to feel anxiety about the future because you have no plan. Converting loneliness into solitude involves one element and that is intention. When you have the intention to improve, to be your best self, to experience life, on your terms to its fullest, and that's a relative term. That's based on what you desire. That's not on some beer commercial. That's not on some somebody's bucket list. No, this is you, your life. What do you want out of it? Yeah. Solitude will help you achieve that. Solitude is the magic elixir that takes you from despair to success and fulfillment. So look at this time that you're alone as a gift, an opportunity. It's golden. It's your chance to finally rediscover yourself and be the man you always wanted to be. And what else in life is there? Imagine lying on your deathbed, never having really lived your life authentically from your perspective to be the man that you want to be. And instead, you are always trying to fill someone else's vision for what you should be. So, solitude and intention, not loneliness and despair.
All right, that's all I got for you today. Uh, over the next couple days, I'm going to make two more videos. I'm going to be talking about, you know, life 2.0 and how to deal with kids and life 2.0, how to deal with romantic relationships that come next. So, um, watch for them. I think, let's see, I'm making this video on Friday. I'll get it out there probably either tonight or tomorrow. I'll get a second one out on Sunday and then another one out um on Tuesday. So, you guys keep an eye out for them. I'll try to link these all together once I have them all out. That way, you can watch them as a series. And um anyway, stay healthy and if you can stay single.