Transcription
We've been together for almost 10 years. We've gone through a lot. We're not married. We have a seven-year-old daughter.
He's in the tunnel. And when a man's in a tunnel, it seems like nothing's ever going to work. It's the dark night of his soul.
He doesn't feel like he can be successful in business and also be successful in a relationship.
He's having a hard time loving himself. You're the one bright spot in his life. And then he feels like he's failing you too because he has all this stuff going on inside himself that he's not able to control or direct or shape.
God gave me this person in my life and I'm just blind to the fact that I haven't given all of me to really embrace the love that he keeps putting in front of me time and time again.
Feels like it's forever and it's not, 'cause the other side of the tunnel isn't king.
Hello. What's your name? Where you from? What's your status? Um, Jackie Marquez from Miami. Um, I'm in a relationship and he just went to the bathroom.
That was good timing on his part.
Um, where do I start? Um, well, I felt I felt relieved and and vulnerable and um willing to accept, but I felt that he was avoiding and blocked in some way.
And why would he avoid him? So, here's the best part. If you can have a new why, that it's they don't love you, is not the why. It's not, "You're not enough." That's not the why. It's that they got wired that way, and I love them. So, I'm going to help get through to that place. When you make it about you, you're stuck in the self. When you're stuck in the self, you're in the turmoil.
You're only going to get when you get beyond you. Please continue. Thank you.
Um, what do I continue?
And what do you feel now?
I don't know. Um, it's um, it's just hard to tell because we've we've been together for almost 10 years. It'll be 10 years um um in in February. And um we've gone through a lot in in those 10 years. We're not married. We have a seven-year-old daughter. Um, when we got into the relationship, I had previous relationships with a lot of commitment, like uh engaged and all that. So I entered the relationship with like no expectations. Let's just let it flow. I don't want to get married. Um, and then things changed and and...
...what changed?
Life. Um, well, when I when I got m I um I I was pregnant and and yeah, things didn't feel the same anymore. I mean, like, that's what I wanted. When we first started dating, I was like, "I don't want to get married. I want to have a child and I I want to know that I'm not wasting my time."
By the way, this gentleman has had women look at this. Men don't understand this. Been together this many years and we haven't produced this result. I have wasted my time. And she will be angry at some level because there's a sense of loss, and the loss is my ticker tape parade is moving.
Exactly. So I was 34 at the time and um I wanted to make sure that I wasn't we we women have a clock. 35 is until we're eggs are supposed to be the most um fertile or effective, whatever. So I had that um I wanted to make sure that I wasn't wasting my time and he agreed. I'm like, "I'm not looking to have..."
By the way, when you're talking about not wasting your time, ladies and got your hand on your hip like this. I'm just wondering, is that head or heart?
Which one?
Quick.
And where are you pointing? Blame or own?
We already know the problem.
Fine, I'll take it out here.
I'm not making you wrong. I I hope you feel me. I'm not making you wrong. I just want you to see the truth. Because if you can see the truth, you can free yourself. It's not bad that you'd want any of those things. It's just that it's all about you. And when it's all about you, you're going to be trapped in the first or second chapter. There is no way out except it not being about you, which is hard for people to imagine because they're still living in the scarcity and the fear. I've been through all these other things and didn't turn out the way I want, and I got the certain amount of timeline, and this hasn't happened, and it's not my picture yet. My life is not my picture. There's no way on earth I would have pictured having a child at 61 years old after having three kids I adopted and one of my own and now five kids and five grandkids, a 48-year-old daughter and a two and a half-year-old daughter. There is no [ __ ] way. Nor did I think there'd be two moms that I'd be living with and working on things like if you think gentlemen you're dealing with masculine feminine. Hey, take my [ __ ] job. I got two of them going on here simultaneously and a kid. They're and a dog and they're all female. So don't give me your [ __ ] [ __ ]. Okay. So my point of the matter is is none of it, but it's more beautiful than any I could have designed. God designed this. The universe designed this. I'm on the journey. I'm willing to take the call. I'm willing to step into the unknown. I'm open to things that I wouldn't have been open to as a more immature man or boy calling myself a man. And most men don't become a man till at least 40. And then they get to go through these stages. You're going to learn and have nothing to do with you, that you're making it all about you, which of course you would. You've done nothing wrong here. Of course you would. What else would you do? You have no other reference. But I'm trying to offer you a reference so you can see the road ahead. So you don't have to say the mistakes that most people make. So you could choose a new, but right now you're hurt. And in that hurt state, you're blaming and you're in your head. No possibility of victory. But very quick victory could change with owning. This is what I really want. I know it may not be the perfect example or time. This is what I'd really want. I'm owning that. But I also need to own what does my partner need? And how do we together get to a place where our needs are met? It's not a straight line. There's no straight lines in nature. Show me one. If there's a straight line in nature, somebody made it. It wasn't made by God. Not made by the universe. Everything winds up and down. If it keeps growing, it winds up and down, but like almost like a stock and eventually keeps growing up. It isn't a straight line. No relationships a straight line. Just this magical thinking [ __ ] we have in our head of what a relationship is supposed to be about is what makes people so crazy. That's why I want to ground you this week in the truth. The truth is it's an evolution of your soul. It requires challenges that you go through and that requires getting out of yourself and truly loving like most of you do with your children. Whereas you put them first, but you don't do that in your intimate relationship. And that's why most of you have a better relationship with your kids than you do with your intimate because there is no rule where your int where your child could for most of you do something where you wouldn't love them. And you love them no matter what. But you, as long as you got conditions on your relationship, it's not unconditional. And it's hard for most people to think about that except you did it with your kid. Worked out pretty well till they're 16. So, I hope you hear me. I'm not making you wrong. You have every right to feel everything you're feeling. It's just it's a process of growth you're going through and you're not liking it. But the best study of life is how it is, not how you think it should be. You can say, "I don't like gravity." But if you don't respect it, you're going to crash and die. And there is a path for your evolution. And you're facing it right now. And you don't like it because it's not what you want it to be. It's not at the temple you want it to be. It's not the quality you want it to be. I can tell you almost nothing in my life has been, and I have a very blessed life. But it's [ __ ] worth it when you get there. And it's worth it along the way as you begin to appreciate your own growth. And coming closer together with another human. Sir, is this your wife standing in the back? Yeah, you might want to come join her again. I noticed you ran to the bathroom like any courageous man would right at that moment that she was sharing.
Is this the onion part?
Did you know she was standing up to share?
Yeah, I did.
Yeah. Give him a hand for his honesty. I like that. That's good. That's good. So you suddenly had to pee. It's amazing, isn't it?
Ah, it's I was just afraid of the onion part where you peel me or slice me and you do.
I'm not here to peel you or slice you, Fabio. You're here to do that for yourself because if I did it, it won't have any lasting impact. But when you do it, it will because it'll become you'll have done it because it was driven by your heart, not by your head. And Fabio, tell me what your experience is. Did you hear what she shared? You were in the restroom for part of it, I think. But what do you think she shared?
The truth.
Pardon me.
The truth?
Yes. I prefer the truth.
No, you ask me what she shared. She shared the truth.
Oh, she shared the truth. Okay. And what's the truth...
...of what she felt when we started our relationship?
And what does she feel?
She felt that she had these goals. And when she asked me about those goals, hey, did you ever consider, would you ever consider being married? Because I was married once and uh or having kids. I said, "Yeah, I would. Maybe not at the same timeline that she had it and uh I've always taken relationships slow because I felt success was slower that way. I never did, anytime I did anything fast, I would screw it up." And when I was married once, I was uh fueling planes. I was an aircraft refueler. And uh she really wanted to have a kid and no offense, it was a different clock. I said, "Fuck that. I make nine bucks an hour. I'm not putting a kid on this planet." And she says, "Don't worry, it's going to bring us good luck." I'm not having a kid for good luck either because uh, you know, I saw what my dad did when he came here as an immigrant. And every time he had a kid, the more jobs he had, the less I saw my dad. I said, you know what? I'm designing my life my way." And you know, we got married, you know, for, you know, because I did love her. I just didn't want to be pressured in doing things as either a man or a woman would do to each other. And we divorced. Never had a kid. She was with someone else, did have a kid. That was the end of that.
Yes. Now, I want you to notice um and I want you to know I I appreciate what you've been through because I've had my own experiences obviously, but Fabio, everything you've told me has nothing to do with her. So all of your filtering of with her is through your past, which almost everybody does, but it won't move the ball forward for you regardless because what's happening is you're trying to move into the future using a rearview mirror to guide yourself. And I think it's causing a crash because you can't see what's in front of you. Now, she's done the same thing, by the way. She just has different references. She's also been through pain and been through those elements and she's doing the same thing. So, both of you are trying to see each other looking at rearview mirrors. And it's like, here's two people that clearly love each other or you wouldn't be here. And you're committed to each other, but it doesn't feel like it to each other at times or it feels like it's not winnable at times because this is what's guiding you instead of a vision of where you want to take this. As long as there's no vision, it's really hard to manage this thing because it's just managing the day-to-day pain or pleasure on top of all the pressures you have in your business and your life. And if you have children and you have a child, all those additional pressures are there. Holy [ __ ] I'm going to deal with this too. It's too much. Let me just handle what's in front of me. And then you get caught up in making a living instead of designing a life. You get into managing circumstances instead of being the creator of your life. And you're the kind of man that wants it on his own terms or you wouldn't be here. I just heard everything you told me. It's like he decided what he was not going to have happen in his life and what he was going to do differently than what he experienced for his father. I respect that. But then what happens is when you know more about what you don't want to do, it doesn't open you to what could be different that looks similar but is actually different. And then the generalizations, distortions, and deletions become a wall. They keep us from what we want most in our lives. And after a while, we just get used to the [ __ ] wall. And it's like, [ __ ] I just got to push through this goddamn thing. And then that leaves you empty and exhausted and on a hamster wheel. The same [ __ ]. Very much like your father, just a different story.
And then it got harder.
And then you got what?
Then I got harder because then I did find a relationship that I thought I was going to spend my life with. Had a child, didn't get married, was in the process of selling my company. And I said, "Wow, this is not what I expected." You know, I thought I was going to get to that altar. Didn't happen. And then I had to go through a different change because I was dealing with selling part of my soul, which is my company at the time and uh through a mutual friend and uh kept a portion of it, worked for a private equity group for six years and you know, from then on it was just relation relationship and and to God's amazing ways, puts this beautiful women woman in my life and I'm like...
Well, she is women. She has many parts of herself. That's accurate. She isn't just woman. And I can see that for sure.
She's definitely more than that. She's uh so God puts her in my life and I'm still in this slow motion path because I've failed and been hurt and I was like, "I'm not rushing this." And I've had, you know, again, poor relationship with the past and my friends dropping in front of me, losing a brother through depression of a divorce and just a bad story in a relationship that I haven't let go because of myself. So, he's in the tunnel. You'll learn more tomorrow. He's in the tunnel. And when a man's in a tunnel, it seems like nothing's ever going to work. It's the dark night of the soul. Everything I've done in my old [ __ ] life, it's still not there. He is not where he believes he should be. And for a man not in the hierarchy of where he thinks he should be, that's pretty much feels like death inside. And you're the one bright spot in his life. And then he feels like he's failing you too because he has all this stuff going on inside himself that he's not able to control or direct or shape. And so then he beats himself up about that. And as he beats himself up, he has less energy and he's even less connected to you, which produces even more fear in you. And all you see is less commitment when what you really have is a man in the tunnel. But here's the good news about the tunnel, which we'll explain more tomorrow. But just plant a seed for all of you. If you're a woman and you have a man in the tunnel and you can love him through that, you will own him for the rest of your [ __ ] universe life. My wife came to me shortly after I entered in a tunnel and she loved me through the tunnel when I didn't even love myself. And that took me from loving her to unbelievably devoted. I will die for her. I will live for her. There is no one more important to me. Period. And no matter what she does or didn't do, or she needed something or wanted something, I I will always be there for her. There is zero question. It's not about what I get because she loved me when I didn't even love myself. He's having a hard time loving himself. You're the one light spot he has. He doesn't know how to fight out of it right now. And it feels like it's forever. And it's not because the other side of the tunnel is a king. You don't become a [ __ ] king by being crowned. You become a [ __ ] king by going through absolute hell where nothing looks like it's going to work. And as a result of one day, you stop beating yourself up for not being there. That's the first step. And you come up with a new vision again. And in spite of all the other visions not coming through, you find the courage to push through your fear of being disappointed again, hurt again, failure again, and you [ __ ] find that part of yourself and you [ __ ] rise up. And it's slow and it's steady. And you get out of that [ __ ] tunnel and you grow like you've never grown before. And you have a different level because what makes you a king is not somebody crowned you or you're going around pointing that you're a [ __ ] king or a queen. It's you've been through so much hell on earth. You don't want anyone else to go through it. And you want to serve everyone you can because you know what suffering feels like at the deepest level. And so it makes you care more than if you'd never suffered. It makes you feel more for others. It makes you a loving and wise king, not an ego [ __ ] driven [ __ ] who put himself in a position. It puts you in a position of service. Because a king or the word hero comes from servo, which means servant. The true hero is the servant of society. You're willing to risk your life to serve your beloved, to serve your family, to serve your society. Hero is not accolades. Hero is going through the darkness that no one else will do because you don't want other people to have to go through it. And you learn and you find the way and you develop a pathway so you can help others get out of that tunnel so you can help others avoid it if possible. And not everyone goes through the tunnel. Ladies, by the way, if he's in the tunnel, he has the potential to be a king 'cause princes don't go through the tunnel. And neither do knights who are bad boys or good boys. They come in and look like the hero. They like to fight the great adventure, but they always leave because it's about themselves. Nothing wrong with it. They're just immature. And then there's the stable boy who wants to be a knight. But Fabio, no man becomes a king unless at one stage he decided he would be one. And you did. That's why you're so disappointed. But it's not over. It feels like it's over. It's not over. I remember going through my divorce. I was turning 40 years old. I'd worked seven days a week, more hours than most humans will ever [ __ ] dream of. I was the best in what world and what I did. And I finally said, "Look, I love you. You're a great person, but we're so different. We have different values, different beliefs. Let's just be friends. Let's be partners." Significance was number one. So that took away significance. So she tried to destroy me. And she got a lawyer and she got eight times multiple in a bunch of little businesses where I was working around the clock. I'd be like being a doctor. If you don't show up, there's nothing there. I had to give her all the revenue. Eight times the revenue. When I met her, she was broke, living in an apartment. I was living in the Del Mar Castle. It was the most devastating experience. It was the most painful thing. I'd been the greatest husband in the world, greatest father. Now she tried to destroy me. It was dark night of the soul. It was tunnel time. And it lasted way longer than I ever wanted to. But in the midst of that, I found the love of my life and we grew together and we got outside of ourselves. I became more for her. The way you know you have the right relationship is you want to be more for that person than even for yourself. That it calls you to be more. And we both had that for each other.
She's I, you know, she's amazing, you know, and I'm not saying it because I've been with her for nine years. She's giving me more than I've reciprocated. I've been that coward. I've been that [ __ ] and also been here for convenience because we have a daughter. But there is, I mean, God gave me this person in my life and maybe I'm just blind to the fact that I haven't given all of me to really embrace the love that he keeps putting in front of me time and time again.
Why? There's only one reason why. Why?
Being selfish.
Fear is selfishness, my friend. So you don't judge yourself. We're all selfish when we're fearful. So you don't need to judge yourself and say, "I'm selfish. I'm being selfish because I'm [ __ ] scared." And you're scared because you've had so many experiences have been so painful. So is she. So now we have two people love each other that are scared. And through the fear, when people are in a fearful state, they do not communicate well. Remember, it's a cry for help versus a loving response. You're both crying for help. You need to give each other a loving response. And it doesn't have to be everything at once. It could just be beginning to lead some light into that tunnel because there's the light to your for your tunnel. It's right there. It's no question about it. Yeah. Did you see that smile on his face? Look back into her eyes. I think quite a few people know in this room what she's like.
She is a ball of love. She is that cosmic everything. And I just want to be that back. Otherwise, I'll just feel guilty 'cause I'm not.
Great. Well, then let's stop talking about the past and let's talk about right now 'cause you can't do anything about the past. All our pain is in the past and in the future. There's no real pain in the present. In the present, everything's pain will change in a moment. If you find something you're scared of in the present and you just push through it, you'll always discover on the other side of that fear is some new strength, some new joy, some new insight, some new love. Always. Only always. But if you don't push through it, the fear of the unknown is much greater than just going for it. So when you asked at the end to write down how you feel, I wrote after saying uh uh "I love you. I'm sorry."
"Forgive, please forgive me. Thank you." I I I wrote uh how do you... You said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "I I feel like an honest path of love forward."
An honest path to love forward. Give me a hand for that. That's really beautiful. That's beautiful. Now, by the way, right at the moment he felt he did that, she got up to talk about what he didn't do 'cause his balls were exposed and he'd done a really good job. So, she needed to kick him really hard in that moment as a test to see, does he really love me? Will he still love me? What did you feel when you wrote this down or when you were up went through this process?
Um, it's funny 'cause he said that and uh what I felt as I said before was um I guess yeah, we've gone through a lot and um I just find hard.
The next time you say, "Oh, we've been together a long time and it's really hard." You should [ __ ] celebrate instead of [ __ ] whining to yourself. It means you're on the [ __ ] path, ladies and gentlemen. That's what it means. That's what it means. It's what it really means. I want you to leave here if you leave with nothing else. Not just the insights of these strategies and tools. I want you to understand that means you're on the path to the greatest thing in your life. That your soul is unfolding. And that if it's difficult, that's where the greatest growth is going to come from. And while you may not like it in this moment, you will love the result if you keep moving forward. That's the only thing you have to do. Keep moving forward. Less judgment, more love, less me and what I'm not getting. More what can I do for you. That's the evolution of your soul. That's the only place you get out of scarcity is when you stop thinking about yourself. When you truly love, what is love? You put something above yourself. You've done it with your children. Why not do it with the most beloved person in your life that those children only exist because of with you? This is beauty. This is God. This torture you're going through is God's way of you discovering all that you both are made to be. It is not a problem. It feels like a problem. The only problem people have is they think they're not supposed to have any. If you had no problems, you'd have no growth. Now, you can do problems faster by being in a beautiful state, by putting each other first, by having courage and faith. That even when it doesn't look like it, there's something in your soul that knows there's more. And I'm committed to it with you. And reassure each other. You both need to reassure each other.
What?
Um, he he was telling me that he um...
What do you say you felt when you were telling me this?
She she remembers, by the way. She just wants him to say it again.
Yeah.
What do you say?
You remember all the bad [ __ ] I do and you don't remember this?
'Cause that's par for the course.
I felt the total opposite.
I I felt you were disconnected. You were not...
...being honest. When...
...right now when we did the exercise.
Well, do you feel he's being honest right now? Just out of curiosity.
You heard me.
If he's being honest now.
Yeah. So, she did hear me. Notice she just paused so she...
...so she could process it and take it in and think about her answer. I don't want you to think about your answer. I just want the [ __ ] truth, which you already know.
I I do believe he's he's being honest. Um...
...and sincere.
Yeah.
Heartfelt.
Yeah.
Loving. Yes.
Rio.
Yes.
From his soul.
When you said the previous exercise, what do you need to do? What stage are you in? I felt like I was in five.
Yes, that's absolutely true.
And um what what do I need to to to take what do I need to do to get to the next level? I felt like it's just stop talking and blaming about the past. We've gone through a lot. It's beautiful. That's it. 5,000 miles. We'll make it through this distance. Hey, can you hear me? Wherever you are, I'm praying to angels.
Yes. I know you thought I was...
I'm sorry, Fabio.
I I know you probably thought I was getting away when she... I didn't know she was going to speak. I just went to get water. I swear, I swear I went to go get water and then she spoke up. I said, "Oh, shit." I stood back there and I figured if I would have came up, I would have ruined the moment because even when I'm in front of her, I'm not really listening or seeing because she reminds me all the time the things she says...
...and I didn't listen.
So I figured if I'm back there, I'm going to really listen. So I figured she'd have her moment and put it all out there. And...
...that's nice. But she really wants your presence.
She does.
Yeah.
And you can give it to her. You can give it to her even if you're in the tunnel because to be in the tunnel of love transforms the tunnel. So even though the other things aren't where you want them to be, this can be in an instant just by you bringing presence. Oh, by the way, the more you bring presence to her, the more you'll find it in yourself and the more you'll find your way out of the tunnel quicker. But the meanwhile, even while you're in the tunnel, it can be a beautiful journey when you're together. And the other side of the tunnel is the king you're looking for. But he's got to grow into it. See, every woman says she wants a king. She does not want a king. She wants what the king could give. She doesn't want the king. The king has responsibility. King isn't always her first. There's all kinds of things. You think you want the king. No. Most of you want maybe a prince. Then you get the prince and you think he's not enough. Most of you want what your father was. If he was a knight, you pursue knights. If he was a prince. If he was a king, it's a [ __ ] Because then you always compare every man you've ever met to your father. And you don't have a real view of your father because he never had sex with you. So, you didn't have all those other rules. Thank God. But you have a king in the making. But that means you got to go on the journey with him because that's what makes you a queen.
And I'm sorry to interrupt, but uh you you open our eyes. Uh we were on the verge of like splitting right before Date with Destiny last year and I walked into Date with Destiny just to to find out if this was worth a shot, another shot or just um ending it. And we had a little breakthrough that...
...they had a breakthrough, ladies and gentlemen.
...that night of the Hoponu. Yeah. That...
Yeah. Um he uh we we went back to the hotel and um and we were vulnerable and we we spoke about what we really felt and and we did that exercise by ourselves and and that gave me hope and you gave us hope, you and Sage, because he always tells me like he doesn't feel like he can be successful in business and also be successful in a relationship. So he's always had that mentality. I'm like, "What are you talking about? This is the best example we can have that you we deserve to have both."
You both do deserve to have both, but when a man's in the tunnel, he feels like he's not enough for anything.
Yeah.
I know that's hard to understand. But women have their own version of it's not quite as extended and it's just because women can change so fast. You can go from depressed to playful or excited. You can go from laughing to crying. Most men don't make those gear shifts as fast. So that's why it makes it like you don't understand. Why wouldn't a man just get out of the [ __ ] tunnel?
Because you don't understand a world of hierarchy. You've never had to do it and you never will. Thank God. Because most men live lives of quiet desperation. You've heard that term used. It's the [ __ ] truth. Because women will actually talk to each other. Most men don't. Not about issues like this. This kind of conversation is not a conversation most men will ever have. That's why we need to have it tomorrow. So that every man here has a context for himself so he doesn't judge himself inappropriately and so that you, if you're a woman in this person's life or feminine force in this person's life, can understand there is a big victory on the other side of it. But it's probably going to take more and longer than you really want. But uh what it's going to make of you...
...to become that unselfish, which means that unfearful, which means really just that faith-filled and courageous. When people say it sometimes, they say, "Oh man, your wife is so lucky to have you." It's like, "You don't [ __ ] have a clue. You couldn't handle a [ __ ] day with me. I'm a crazy [ __ ]. I mean, I'm constantly creating something new, more. I don't know how many people could survive, much less do that with me for 25 years."
Only a woman with unbelievable courage and faith and love.
Without courage and faith, she couldn't be here along with that love. So that's what he'll make of you if you go on this journey with him through this and you pursue it and know that even though it looks like it'll never happen, it will. And that you are playing the starring role in pulling his soul through it if you realize who you are in his life. And by being that starring role, you will have his devotion for a lifetime greater than you've ever felt before.
But you got to get through the tunnel with him.
Most women leave during the tunnel and most men die in the tunnel.
There's something extraordinary, ladies, about uh loving the unlovable. By the way, that goes both ways. But loving what maybe one hasn't completely... Fabio, accepted within yourself or feeling part of why he feels like he can't do both is because he feels like he'd fail you. He feels like he's failing you, honey. And so when a man is going through uh the tunnel and he's beating himself up, um just kind to notice, kind to be a balm, kind to uh reflect and remind him how deeply you love him and that you stand with him. Not for him to be this perfect king or what we want that end goal, but you love him here now in this moment so completely. It's obvious actually, Jackie. It's so obvious how deeply you love this man and you as well her. And sometimes, you know, when we're going through challenging times, it's like to love the unlovable parts of ourselves and to have that reflected in the other. There's nothing more powerful. It's actually what creates those bonds that are unbreakable. It's not the we, you know, that's great, that's fun, but it's actually being loved when you feel that you're possibly not worthy, you can't do it, we'll ever freaking get through this. And you stand not even by with in support because you that's what love does. That's what our heart does.
So is it... Sorry, Sage.
No, please.
So...
...when your daughter is there?
Our daughter.
Yes.
Who's seven?
Keeps saying, "When are you going to buy her a ring? When are you going to marry her?" Says that over the last three years, and the pressure just keeps mounting. And all I want is an organic path, not a fast path. But I know that sounds funny being nine years deep.
It does.
That's fine. That's fine. I I I I never said I was the poster boy. So I...
So be your daughter right now. I'll be you.
What does your daughter say to you?
Daddy.
No. Our daughter's name.
Oh, my.
Just... No, I mean, be be you. Be your daughter. I'll be you, Fabio. Because you're wondering what do you say when your daughter comes to you and she's pressing.
What's your daughter's name?
Moy. Moy.
Alexander. So that's who you're going to be now.
Moy.
Moya.
So you want me to be Moy?
Hi sweetheart. Hi Moya. Hi, Angel.
I'm Dada.
Oh, wait a minute.
Oh, I'm away.
All right.
Hi, Daddy.
She does not call you angel for sure.
I call her angel. I call her angel.
Hi, Angel.
Daddy, when are you going to marry Mom?
Well, sweetheart, you know, thank you for asking me. So beautiful to be able to clarify my heart with you. I love your mama so freaking much. And I want to spend the rest of my life with her. And you know, no, you know what? I don't know that exact date, but when I do, I'll let you know. But I can tell you one thing that there's no other place that I'd rather be than with your mom...
...and you.
...and you. So, what's taking you so long, Dad?
Well, that's a great question. That's a great question. You know, sometimes, you won't understand this, but sometimes we as human beings, you know, we just got to find our own timing, honey. And I know, I really hear that this is meaningful to you. And I know it's meaningful to your mom. And uh what I can promise you is that I'm not going anywhere. And I freaking love you. And I love your mother. And uh, you know, when I do decide beyond telling your mama, I'll come and share it with you first. Um, because I look forward to that day. And uh in the meantime, thank you for uh being here with me right now and loving your dad just as he is.
That's great, Dad. But I feel a bozo alert here. And she starts doing this. Bozo's taking you too long. Oh, Bozo...
...says to me...
"I hear that. I hear that." And you know, honey, all I I know is I just need to be true to your mom and the containership of our love. And you know what? I love your curiosity.
And I love that you want our love to be solidified. But let me tell you something. It is. I'm not going anywhere. I love you both. You know, do you see that? Honesty, avoidance is what will cause her. The same with this couple here earlier, um, Melissa and Jason. It was the avoidance that causes Melissa possibly, I'm not saying this is fact, to ask more often or with more fervor. And so, she'll keep coming at you because we're actually craving something authentic. And then what we do is we avoid or we suppress or we distract. And so she'll just freaking keep coming at you for something more...
...real.
By the way, it's not me telling her. He keeps saying, "Oh, did you tell her to tell me that?" No.
Never.
You didn't. I know you did.
I of course not. But my mom got married at 68 uh two years ago. And for her that was like, "How is that possible? My grandma got married and you guys are not married." In her head that was like ridiculous.
So she kept at it like she's she even um... we were in Spain in in the summer and and she made a video of her dad propos how he was supposed to propose to me and she did the whole scene and she said, "Send it to him. Send it to him." Like...
I was cracking up and I didn't want him to think that I'm telling him to do that. Yes.
Which I feel I feel like he does think I I'm not.
So he just told you he just told you he knows you didn't do that.
Okay.
And do you know what? Did...
...you hear him? Did you hear him?
Yeah, I did.
Did you believe him?
Yeah.
Slow pause. Long pause.
Feel him. Is it true?
It is. It is true.
Okay. Then you can let go of that.
Okay. And...
...because there's some things you're hanging on to that are making your journey more difficult.
Yeah.
That if you actually just pause and breathe and feel him, not in your fear place,
but in your soulful place, you know the truth.
You're not using your intuition because your fear is getting in the way.
You're missing a little bit of your wisdom because your fear is getting in your way, just like it is for him.
Yeah.
So, you have two people who are crying for help when they really just love each other. And we're looking at artificial externals to try to confirm something.
And for him, that would confirm, oh my god, I didn't do it by choice.
I said, you know, are you wearing that black [ __ ] shirt again? Yes, I'll wear it for the rest of my [ __ ] life. Right.
The masculine, you picked a masculine man.
So, he doesn't want to be in that place. And yet, at the same time, given his room, and if he wasn't beating himself up in the tunnel, he'd be doing this heck of a lot faster. That's not that he shouldn't do this now or couldn't do this now. Just you can begin to appreciate that it isn't what you think it is. It's not him not loving you and not being committed to you.
And and Fabio, it's an opportunity for you with your daughter to actually she's your angel. You get to represent a moment your heart. You get to offer more more of you. That's what she's really wanting. You know, we think it's like this outcome over here. She's she just wants to know, hey, what's true for you? And Sage, what I said earlier has nothing directly to you. I was just role playing. But I get the bozo alert a lot pointed at me. And you know, it's funny for being seven years old how a daughter can really undress us of our emotions and say, and I really did try to have a conversation of of things that have happened in my past to teach her that I'm trying to move on from that relationship from the past of my brother passing and him always feeling the rejection of his daughter and going through a divorce and just...
And I... that's not a conversation you have with a seven-year-old. I just wanted to tell her just a few bits and pieces and she's like, "That I don't want to hear."
Wow.
And I just wanted that connection with her not to go that deep into how that that pain, but just enough to where...
...I can at least have that conversation and not blow me off or vice versa.
Wow.
Your brother was in this hand...
...just as you were describing it. And all the pain that your brother had is in this hand. Can you feel it? Can you see it? The pain around the child, the pain around the relationship.
I miss Fabian.
What's that?
I miss my brother Fabian's.
Yeah.
I He went through so much when I was going through when I was gaining what I thought was so much. And then you have all your other pains of your own in there too. Pains of those past relationships. The pains of the disappointment. The pains of not being where you want to be. Pains of working your ass off and not having the rewards other people have. Crush those [ __ ] pieces.
You got a bad finger there.
Oh.
He's really crushing.
It's from basketball.
Well, in case it wasn't painful enough, I thought I'd add too. This is pain is good.
Squeeze it in there.
Tell me what color it is. All those experiences.
Yellow, green, red.
Little what?
Blue. Yellow. Green. Red. Blue.
What's the primary color of all that pain?
Red.
Red. Squeeze again.
Open up and tell me what's the shape of all that pain. The shape.
I don't know.
All of it together makes a shape. What is it?
A ball.
A bomb.
A ball. A ball.
>> A bong or a ball.
>> A ball of colors.
>> Oh, a ball.
>> Yeah.
>> They said a bong. I was like, "Wow, that's wild."
>> Okay, squeeze it again. This red with all its colors. Ball.
>> All the paint of it. And then open it up and tell me what's the texture of that experience. All that pain. The
>> texture. Rough.
>> Yes.
>> Very rough.
>> Squeeze it. You're in control of it now. It doesn't own you. Open it up. What sound does it make? This terrible experience. It's a peaceful noise to move forward.
>> Wow. Even in the pain, there's a call. Squeeze your hand. This negative experience says what to you? What does it say to you? All that pain. What does it say to you?
>> It's part of the path.
>> Squeeze it. You're really [ __ ] up this demonstration because you're already integrating before I've done anything. Let me borrow this hand if I can. You mind holding that?
>> And this hand, forget about that hand for a second. This hand, I want you to put some of the most beautiful experiences of your life. Some of the experiences you cherish most in your life. Some of the victories, the love, the insights, the strengths that make you a unique [ __ ] man. There you go. Squeeze all of that goodness, all of that power, all of that joy, all of that love. Feel it all and let it go through your whole body. So it's not just in your fist now. Let it be like in every cell, every nerve in your body, beating with a rhythm of this energy. An energy that's greater than anything could have ever happened to you. An energy that can guide you beyond any tunnel you may be in in the moment. A bright [ __ ] light that's greater than anything you've ever seen before. And it's inside you, just waiting for you to remember it's still there. It got covered up. Open your hand. Tell me what color is all that great emotion.
>> What color is it?
>> The color of love.
>> Color of love.
>> Rainbow of color. Squeeze that hand and feel all those feelings. Now add to that feeling the feeling of unstoppability. Feeling like I will never [ __ ] give up. The feeling that says I will find the way. I will [ __ ] make the way because that's what I was made for. And anything else is temporary. No problem is permanent. Only my soul is permanent.
>> That's you. That's me. That's it. Give it to him. That's me. That's it. You got it. That's you. That's it. That's it. That's That's it. That's it. That's you. Feel you. The real you. That's it. The real [ __ ] you. And tell me, what shape are all those great unstoppable emotions in you? What shape are they?
>> The shape of a heart. Give it for them. That's great. Squeeze it and feel it. Feel the rainbow of colors. Feel the energy. Feel the rhythm. Feel the strength. Feel the love. Feel the guidance. Feel the light. And tell me, what sound does this great feeling constantly bring to you?
>> An amazing path of music to guide you. Perfect. Squeeze it and take it in. Feel it all. And then feel like it's an awakening. Like there's a rhythm happening inside you. Like a rhythm in your heart. Stronger than anything you felt before. An awakening. That's what this is all bringing you to. An awakening where you realize there is no [ __ ] tunnel. I'd tear the [ __ ] tunnel apart. Everything is temporary. My soul is permanent. This love is permanent. This strength is permanent. Feel it. What does it say to you if it said one phrase? This great feelings, this truth. What does it say to you? Say it again.
>> Get out of the [ __ ]
>> Get out of the [ __ ] tunnel. That's it. That's it. Feel it. Feel it. Feel it. Feel the strength of it all. That's it. Feel it all. Feel it all. Feel it all. That's it. That's it. That's it. There you go. There you go. There you go. There it is. Now it's going through your whole body, not just your hand. You can feel it in your hand as the trigger, but it's your whole body now. Remembering who you are, remembering what you were made for. Remembering what you're made for, my brother. Only always. Yes. Feel that. And then make the sound that this is inside you. Make the sound this is in you. Make the sound this is inside you. Make the sound Fabio of what it is inside you. Emit that sound out loud now. Make the sound of this inside you. That's it.
>> Yes.
>> That's it. That's it. Do it again. Do it again. Feel it right there. Feel it.
>> Yes.
>> That's it. Again. Give it to it again.
>> Yes.
>> Again.
>> YES. OUT OF THE TUNNEL. OUT OF THE TUNNEL.
>> OUT OF THE [ __ ] TUNNEL. MY TRUE SELF. Feel it. And then put inside there that beautiful face, heart, and soul that's with you. Put that in there and feel that nothing. No problem is more powerful than that.
>> Feel God's blessing. That is your whole [ __ ] life. Where even the problems and the pain, you can look back and see they were truly a blessing because they made you have to find a deeper and more powerful part of yourself. A part that can step through the fear. Doesn't mean you're not afraid. Still scared. Be [ __ ] do it anyway. It's called courage. You've used it your whole life. Out of the tunnel, you use it again. In fact, you don't even use it. It is you. As you. It is you. And then one more. Add your daughter's smiling face. Cuz our daughters decimate us, don't they? Yes. In such a beautiful way. They make us remember we're more than we thought we were because we do more for them than we would for ourselves. More for our beloved than we would for ourselves. That's God's grace. And all of it is already there. There's nothing here that needed given to you. It just need to be reawakened. Feel it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. And feel all of that energy, all that power, all of it unleashing, all of it guided. All of it. MAKE THE SOUND OF THIS AGAIN. FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART AND YOUR SOUL. THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. All of it. That's it. Feel it. Now with all this power, this color, this shape, this voice, all of it in you as you. Now watch this. Open both your hands like this. I want you to take that red color. When I say now, I want you to take the rainbow, all the power in here. And I want you to pour all of it in that hand until it turns into a rainbow. And as you do it, it make a bunch of noise playfully. I was supposed like you're talking in Japanese or [ __ ] That's it. Pull it all there till it's the same color. That's it. Till it's all that color. All that color. But all the fear is gone. Commitment is life. It's who I am. There's no [ __ ] fear when it's right. Feel it. Tell me when they match. Okay, now watch this. Take that ball shape and when I say now, throw it in your right hand and crush it with all that it is. Ready? Drop that [ __ ] ball in there and crush it. That's it. And let it just instantly vaporize. That's it. Stomp that little [ __ ] into the ground. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Good job. Now take take these great sounds and put them in this hand until there is no sound but the truth.
>> There you go. There you go. Feel it. That's it. And now do this. Do what I do. Do what I do. Zooie. Zah. Zooie. Has nothing to do with the process, but it looks good, doesn't it? Now, what color is here?
>> I still
>> I see blue. My favorite color.
>> Yes. What color is here?
>> Blue.
>> What shape is here?
>> The heart of blue.
>> What shape is here?
>> The heart of blue.
>> What does this say to you?
>> That I can.
>> Yes. And what does this say to you?
>> What's taking you so long? Now I have a question for you. Look in this woman's eyes.
>> Another question.
>> Yes. Always another question. You know me. Just one more thing.
>> What do you want her to know? That I want this honest path forward of love and I want to be able to give you just as much as you've given me. But you shower me, you bless me. I don't know if it's God's gift to me that I keep pushing back instead of just embracing. And I think it's all of the above, but the reason you're still here is cuz you're still a blessing. And you're still so much love. And I love you, Jackie. Hallelujah.