Transcription
Hey everyone, it's Dr. Romney here. Welcome back to this YouTube channel on narcissism and narcissistic relationships. So, here's a question. Talked about how do you get under the skin of a grandiose narcissist? How do you think we get under the skin of a vulnerable narcissist? Drop your thoughts in the comments.
So again, this is not something I'd ever recommend any of you do, is try to get under the skin of a narcissist. It's a bit like, you know, opening up a hornet's nest. Like I said, we've already talked about how you get under the skin of a grandiose narcissist. So then, like I said, the question we're going to be taking on in this video is, how do you find yourself getting under the skin of a vulnerable narcissist, or as many people say, covert narcissist? Vulnerable is the right term, but I understand covert narcissist is often the term people use. But drop your thoughts, like I said, in the comments.
No, okay, it's not about doing this deliberately. But you might wonder, how is it? Why am I so under this person's skin? Why are they so bothered by me? More often, you may end up again, happening this not intentionally, but because it happens, you're like, "I keep getting under their skin. Why? Why? Why?"
So let's break down the what happens. How does this happen? And for you're going to see what the punch line. Do this ain't pretty. It means you need to stop by being yourself. But how do you do it? By being happy, having fun, being successful, being lucky, having your hard work turn into success, enjoying simple, sweet moments in life. If those things are happening, you're going to get under the skin of a vulnerable narcissist.
So let's break this list out, because these, there's sort of two things happening here. First, let's talk about the happy stuff. Having fun, enjoying a party, enjoying a silly or pretty little thing like a display of lights, or a garden, or a festival, or something like that. The first thing the vulnerable narcissist will do is probably say something cynical about it. Or like, "Oh, this is just something that they're doing to lure you in so you give them more money." Or, "Oh gosh, all of this is contributing to the end of the planet." Or, "You're a corporate shill for enjoying these lights," or whatever it is. Or they'll complain about the parking, or the traffic, or the fee. They'll roll their eyes. They'll portray you as as maudlin and overly sentimental, or just foolish for being so into this joyful, happy thing.
And if you attend a party, they may critique the people at the party, or contemptuously dismiss the party, or the fun people are having. Them dismiss them as losers or wannabes, or incompetent, or something dismissive. And paint the entire party, and the whole event, as a waste of their time. It will just be heavy, and aggrieved, and bitter, and sullen, and resentful, and still any joy out of all of it. If you let them, they may actually not want to go. And if you make the mistake of insisting that they join you, then you're in for a night of their bitterness and resentment. And all of it will sour whatever joy you're getting. That's how you get under their skin. Simply experiencing joy.
Now, the other set of things that get under the skin of a vulnerable narcissist is your success. Any reason for your success, but your success. It doesn't matter if you did actually get lucky, or that if you worked hard, they will devalue it either way. The core of vulnerable narcissism, which is a chronic sense of victimhood. This, they believe that nothing goes their way. Everyone is against them. The deck is stacked against them. They suffer more than anyone. They resent their lot, and they feel life is only unfair to them. That means that the success of anyone else is the ultimate goad. And it usually is viewed through a cynical lens. Like, "Ugh, the only reason you're successful is you're lucky." Or, "You slept your way to the top." Or, "You didn't really work hard." Whatever it is.
Then they will often believe that there is no point to working hard, because nobody will ever recognize how good they are. And if things don't go the way they want, which they usually don't, they will not see it as they're not doing the work, or they're not meeting their requirements, but rather that the world is out to get them. So your success will absolutely turn the volume up on the relational toxicity, and you'll really get under their skin.
Now, other small things that will get under the skin of a vulnerable narcissist are if you spend money on a wedding gift, or even go to a wedding. They're going to say something like, "Why bother? They're just going to get divorced anyhow." Or you go to, or get a gift for a baby, or a baby shower, or visit someone who's having a baby. They may come out with something like, "Oh, great. One more person to destroy the planet." If you volunteer or give your time or money to those in need, you'll be hit back with, "What a waste of time. What are you expecting in return? You expect people are going to think you're so great and charitable?" That's what you could expect from a vulnerable narcissist. When they see people doing good, they don't like it.
Of all the forms of narcissism, vulnerable narcissism, if you're in a relationship with it, is the most joy-sapping and the most sort of resentful. So you participating in joy of any kind, or having success, is always going to get under their skin. If you are in any kind of relationship with a vulnerable narcissist, I'm sure all of this will ring true. As always, if there's anything I miss, put it in the comments.
I do remember once, I, I had seen a big fireworks show, right? So it was, you know, it was like unexpected. Had not expected it would happen. And I was trying to get, I heard the booming, and I went outside, and it was really pretty. Like it was just something unexpected, something different. And I thought, in the joy of the moment, there was a guy standing there, and kind of like, almost his back to the show. And I said, "Isn't that, I mean, isn't that lovely? I said, "Those are really pretty fireworks." And he's like, "Oh, stand there, stand there while the planet gets destroyed. And one day you will be mad at yourself for watching this fireworks show."
And I don't know who this dude was. I don't know if he's a vulnerable narcissist. It's definitely a bet I'd be willing to take. And I thought, "Oh my gosh, what a sour, resentful guy." I am sure that the fireworks show probably wasn't great for the environment, but I think, again, sort of the realm of massive industrial pollution, I'm really guessing the fireworks show wasn't that big a deal. Apparently, it doesn't even happen that often. It was a big anniversary in that city, and that's what was happening. But it always stuck with me. And as I was thinking about this video, I thought, there was something so pretty happening, and it was, I was so clearly, the joy was on my face. And the only way this guy could get through the world was just to completely piss on that joy. And I could be pretty confident that this is how this guy goes through life. Very much how you get under their skin is joy, happiness, success, anything celebratory. They will always get that cynical barb in. And it's really, really uncomfortable if you're in a relationship with this.
So getting under their skin actually happens, but you merely living a good life. Hope that helps. And thanks again.