Transcription
Hey, what's up? This is Dr. John Delony with Ramsey Network. Today, we're going to be talking about how do you choose to not let things bother you? I got a great email from Josh. Let's jump into it.
Josh writes, "Thank you, Dr. D, for what you've been doing, brother." You're welcome. "Your wisdom and guidance has helped me at a time when I've been at one of my lowest points." Man, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that. We're thinking about you, man, and I hope you're doing well by the time this video comes out. "I still have some work to do, but I've heard you talk a lot about choosing to not let things bother you. Any advice on that? I don't know how to go about just choosing to not let things get to me sometimes. Thank you for everything."
Josh, I love this question. Thank you so much for reaching out. Here's the deal: we live in a culture that is obsessed with outsourcing its feelings, its thoughts, its actions, its responsibilities. Everything is always somebody else's fault. "I'm always doing this because she made me," "because I have ADHD," "because I was anxious," "because I was angry," "because of something that happened to me a long time ago." It's just the way our culture works these days. It's pretty lame. We live in a "not my fault" society.
If you want to live a healthier, more productive, more joyful, more laughter-filled life with lower stress, fewer health problems, not die of a heart attack at 42, less anger, fewer broken, cracked-up relationships, you can choose to not let things bother you. Or, better yet, you can choose to let only a few things bother you. The few things that matter, the few things that you want to get on a hill and die on. And the rest of everything else, you can let roll off. As the great Jay-Z says, "Just brush your shoulders off."
Here's a good example. This weekend, my son and I were going somewhere. We were taking my old pickup truck. I had a big mason jar filled with water, and I set it on top of the cup holder in the truck. It doesn't fit all the way down, so it's just resting on top. I'm always talking to my son about how he smashes through doors and is always stomping on things, and he just ping-pongs his way through life. He's like a walking pinball machine, right? A giant elephant in a bathroom, of sorts.
I set this glass of water down. My son gets into the truck. He opens the door, slams it, jumps in, and goes, "Hello, Dad!" And as he did that, that water fell down, dumped the entire jar of water into my floorboard, and then rolled out of the truck because I had my door open. Rolls out of the truck and smashes into a bajillion pieces on the driveway, all in one, like, quick, one-second little smash.
And instantly, I got mad. Like, I felt it rise up. And then instantly, I just exhaled it out. And I looked over at him and said, "Hey, let's get that cleaned up." And I saw him drop his head because he knows that we're always talking about entering into a space calmly and with respect. You never know who's on the other side of a door. I've talked to him about treating my truck with dignity and not smashing everything and slamming doors. I also taught him about saying you're sorry when you hurt somebody, when you break something, and being a part of the solution.
So he walked around the truck, he helped me pick up the glass. I looked at him and said, "We got the message here." And he said, "Yes, sir. I'm sorry. I'll be more careful getting in the truck next time." I said, "Cool. Thanks."
So here's the deal: my son apologized. He learned a great experiential lesson. It's not just all theoretical head knowledge. He got to see if he's not thoughtful, if he's not intentional, and he's just flying through life, knocking things over, he can dump a jar of water into somebody's floorboard, smash a glass on a sidewalk, all on accident, all without just thinking, right?
So, as a dad, I got my point across. I didn't lose my temper. I didn't fly off the handle. I didn't get angry. I didn't give him things to talk about in some future counseling session, right? I chose not to let that bother me. He apologized, he helped clean up the mess he made, he made it right. We're moving on.
So now, we're back to you, Josh. How do you choose to not let things bother you? How did I override my instant, "I'm frustrated, I'm angry"? Nah, I'm gonna move on. Two words: You decide. And you practice.
You decide: I don't want to be a person who flies off the handle. I don't want to be a person who walks around life angry, clenched, tensed up. I don't want to be a person who's always looking for where I'm going to get offended. I don't want to be somebody who's always looking for somebody to cancel, somebody to permanently ruin over something they said, they got frustrated, they did accidentally, whatever. I don't live like that. I want to live peacefully. I want to live joyfully. I want to spend more time laughing than I do angry. I want to spend more time in relationship than out of relationship. I have to decide that. Number one, I got to make it a priority. I got to make it a destination. And number two, he's got to practice. I have to practice.
I've got to come up with some alternative behaviors, and I've got to implore them. I've got to walk away sometimes. I've got to go for a walk sometimes. When I'm exhausted, I'm tired, and I'm about to fly off the handle, I'll look at my wife and say, "I need to go for a walk." "From it." "I'll be back in a second." And she knows me well enough to know that's my way of saying, "I love you. I don't want to say something stupid." And so I'm going to head off for a second. "I'll be back, right?" And she honors that.
Or I'll tell my kids, "I need to take a breath for a second. Give me one minute. I'll be right back." And I'll go in my room, I'll exhale, and then I can enter back into the situation. Those moments are rare nowadays. They're rare, but they're still there, right? They're still there. I still have my default settings, and then I don't want to blow it.
Over time, you practice and you learn to say things like, "Ah, they don't get a vote." "Ah, this isn't worth hurting a relationship over." "Ah, what am I really getting at here?" I want my son to learn how to say "I'm sorry" and to fix his messes that he's uh, that he causes. And I want him to quickly be a part of the solution when he breaks something that's not his, right? I got all three of those things. As a dad, I won. Most things aren't worth hurting my family or causing generational traumas or flying off the handle.
So you practice, and you practice, and you practice. I've given people close to me permission to call me out, to say, "Hey, man, you're being a jerk. Dude, chill out." Or, "What is that about?" Or, "Hey, John, go take a walk, man." And I listen to him because I trust him. I've given him permission to speak into my life. It's part of practicing.
And the more you practice, in short order, you will notice things just start rolling off your back. You'll find yourself not taking big deep breaths and clenching your fist. You'll see somebody flip you off while you're driving, and you'll just smile. "Cause, okay, congratulations, dude. I'm going about my day." You'll find yourself get angry and then shrug your shoulders, exhale, move on. You'll find yourself going, "Hey, nah, you know what I mean?" And your whole life will just slowly, slowly start to lift.
You decide and practice. Decide and practice. It's not some complex Google, like, what do you call an algorithm, right? It's just a decision. "I don't want to be like that anymore. I'm going to practice not being like that anymore." You can control your thoughts and your actions. And if you control your thoughts and your actions, your feelings, your emotions, they'll come alongside.
Thanks again for the question, Josh. Good luck practicing. Good luck deciding you're going to live a more peaceful, joyful life. This is Dr. John Delony with Ramsey Solutions. Don't forget to subscribe. Send this video to your buddies if they're struggling. And don't forget, if you want to be a part of the Dr. John Deloney show, if you want to call in and talk with me live on the air, email me at askjohn@ramseysolutions.com. Leave your cell number, and Kelly or one of the other Ramsey Solutions team members will be in touch with you shortly. Take care.