Transcription
Being detected approximately 2 minutes from our current mission. EMS.
>> Let's go to San Francisco.
>> Legendary.
>> All I asked for was a freaking rotating [music] chair. Okay.
>> Put yourself in their shoes for a sec.
>> Well done. Number one at five.
>> Okay, sick as a dog now.
>> Some dude, a YouTuber.
Friends, nerds, countrymen, and the 40% who haven't subscribed yet. Once again, I find myself in familiar territory, having to contemplate the errors of my ways. As you may or may not have heard, everyone's pal, Will, the critical drinker, and yours truly have found ourselves embroiled in controversy once again. This time with Star Trek Starfleet Academy. And this may or may not have partially been brought on by [music] a Spock action figure.
>> They let the episode go out free on YouTube and they had barely a thousand people tune in. Some dude, a YouTuber live streamed Spock action figure sitting in an empty chair and it got three times more viewers. [laughter] It appears my Spock action figure along with our reviews has really upset some activist anti-capitalist access media bloggers who largely work for corporate websites that are fully supported by ads. They have accused us of not being real Star Trek fans. And more importantly, they say that Star Trek was never made for us and never has been. Apparently, those of us who have watched Star Trek in some cases for decades have never really understood it. And any criticism of Star Trek Starfleet Academy we have fosters hate and bigotry. Well, I don't know about you guys, but I've never heard this before and I find it quite shocking. So, taking that criticism to heart and after some deep contemplation, I've decided the Starfleet Academy reviews will continue until morale improves.
Previously on Star Trek [music] Starfleet Academy.
>> Next.
>> Uh, I think I swallowed my combat.
>> You're fat. Activism. Love it. Advocating for social change matters.
>> No, it doesn't. I watch birds.
>> I like turtles.
>> Alert. Red alert.
>> Stupid origami chicken.
>> A teachable moment.
>> Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life.
>> Here's an easy one. The name of this cadet.
Before we get started, let's keep in mind that Star Trek [music] Starfleet Academy is a darling of the critics on Rotten Tomatoes anyway, where it sits at 88%. Which is four points higher than Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country and one point higher than Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan. Yet, it's a show that is largely made by the same people who made Section 31, which just recently received five Rzzy nominations, including worst picture, worst actress, Michelle Yo, worst screenplay, Greg Sweeney, worst director, I can't pronounce his name, and worst supporting actress Casey Roll. I'm really not sure what's more embarrassing, a Spock action figure getting more live concurrent viewers than a $10 million episode of Star Trek on YouTube or a company that continues to pay someone to be a critic who said they like this show. Admittedly, that is the minority because the vast majority of critics on Rotten Tomatoes who are brought in to pad the system are from websites you've never heard of. And I know Rotten Tomatoes sucks for precisely the reasons I just gave you.
Now, if you were thinking that Starfleet Learning Academy just needed to get its legs under [music] it, and in future episodes, it would improve, you'd be wrong. While Star Trek the original series that I just call Star Trek takes [music] place in the 23rd century, and TNG, DS9, and Voyager take place in the 24th [music] century, Starfleet Academy takes place in the 32nd century. That's 1,100 years in the future where apparently you still use earbuds, but we know these are future earbuds because they have green LEDs, which we actually have now. And apparently everybody just exercises the same way in 1,100 years, except this time we know it's the future because they have an LED jump rope, which they have now. And yes, I know they've done this in cheap previous sci-fi shows and done it a little bit in Star Trek, but gone are the days of the show that inspired things like the iPad. And I have a genuine question. Does Darham, who is a new race of the Coahones, I'm sorry, the Coahonians, a humanoid race with two forms, a human-looking form in some sort of fish person form. Do you need to exercise them differently, or is he just a mutant? Because Hurtsman wasn't kidding when he said, "This is X-Men First Class meets Harry Potter meets Star Trek."
>> X-Men First Class as well as Harry Potter in general.
>> Anyway, everybody's off to gym class where this is the gym teacher.
>> Show me you're worthy of this uniform. Pretty rich coming from a lady who barely fits into hers.
>> Get out. You're the real.
>> I'd like to see it do one push-up or even complete a 10-yard dash. And it's here I'd like to once again point out the lack of imagination, originality, or even talent when it comes to Curtsman Trek. One of the biggest criticisms of Jar Abrams Trek was the excessive use of lens flares, which was Jar Abrams in his own horrible way ripping off Steven Spielberg. Something Jar Abrams himself said became this thing and it was ridiculous.
>> There was this idea we had that the future was so bright that it just couldn't be contained and I overdid it. Then I went further. I realized it is preposterous and and I had to pull back.
>> And here we are almost 17 years later and Kurtsman's still using them excessively. But it's here during gym class we see the origins of our little conflict between Gryffindor and Slytherin. I'm sorry, Starfleet Academy and the War College. When a Vulcan, who are famous for their high jinks and aggression, throws a ball at Caleb's head. And then Caleb gets squared up on by a Romulan who talks just like kids do today. I bet that's going to lead to trouble. But before we get to that, we find out that another Curtsman Trek character is gay.
>> You know, I used to know a guy like that war college bicep.
>> My parents didn't think we were a good match.
>> Which really shouldn't surprise anybody at this point considering Mike McMahon, the lower decks showrunner, said every Starfleet officer is probably at the baseline bisexual in a way. And wouldn't you know it, the trouble didn't end when the Vulcan, who are famous pranksters, and the rest of the War College, beam the half-naked and naked Starfleet cadetses around various parts of the academy, including the Rotund hologram, Sam, beaming her underwater, where she is clearly blowing out bubbles when she screams. Now, why would a hologram need to breathe? And on that note, why would a hologram be programmed to be fat or talk with a mushmouth? Don't know. This is followed by Slytherin, I'm sorry, the War College cadets taking responsibility for the prank where that rascally Vulcan said they will continue because they are fun. Something Vulcans, particularly pure blood Vulcans, do not have.
>> You must learn to exercise control over your own imagination.
>> Sure, they take satisfaction in things, but no Vulcan would use the word fun. Maybe fascinating.
>> Fascinating.
>> Oh, and let's not forget the little Romulan girl flipping the double bird. Then the credits roll, which are dominated by the 21 producers that work on this show. And yes, this episode's premise is we have a wacky prank war on our hands.
>> We are about to have a prank war on our hands just as the oversight committee arrives.
>> And that's exactly the conversation Laura Thawk, the half Gem Hadar, half Cllingon, which shouldn't be possible in Star Trek, but they're rolling with it anyway. And Curtsman Trek has with Holly Hunter, who looks like she's having a stroke. That's some good thumbnail material. I can promise you they shenan once they'll shenanig again.
>> And in this conversation and quite frankly the rest of the episode we get a performance from Holly Hunter that will go down in Star Trek Hstery. It will be remembered with the likes of William Shatner's performance in Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country or Patrick Stewart's performance in Tapestry or dare I say Avery Brooks performance in In the Pale Moonlight for all the opposite and wrong reasons. Now, we've already gotten plenty of modern vernacular, and believe me, there is more on the way. And we've already got some cussing, but we need it from the chancellor.
>> This is kid Forget my language. I'm pro kid.
>> Now, are they getting a little meta there? Because the writers of this show are sensitive to the criticism of all the foul language that they put in Star Trek where it doesn't belong. Yes. But then they follow it up with this.
>> They grew up in the burn. We're not going to crush the life out of them anymore that this universe already had. Now, if you want to know what the burn is, please see my last Starfleet Academy video. But if Curtsman Trek is trying to make an analogy of kids growing up during a crisis of say extenduating circumstances beyond their control, like CO, that's pretty rich coming from a show that has this guy in it.
>> The vaccine. [music]
Well, it appears the prank war is on and Chancellor Holly Hunter is going to allow it to happen. Later on in herbology class, the kids are upset and they want revenge. And after this unintentionally accurate line,
>> I took a bath for the first time.
>> Madam Sprout, I'm sorry, Holly Hunter advises that the best strategy to fight back is with botany. Specifically, by growing the empathy flower, which is in truth an empathy fungus. What exactly makes it a fungus of empathy? I honestly don't know because the plant just repeats back what you said with a cute little voice.
>> Empathy.
>> You keep using the word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
>> And because if that were empathy, then a parrot would be an empathy bird. Maybe this is the Hollywood definition of empathy, which is essentially telling you what you want to hear. But it turns out our sensitive bird watching Cllingon Jay Den has discovered that the War College didn't even come up with that prank on their own. They actually stole it from a previous prank. where we get another line that unintentionally describes Alex Curtsman.
>> Then you've already learned your opponent's lack of imagination.
>> And why is that line applicable? Because Alex Curtsman is famously, in my opinion, the biggest thief in Hollywood. And if you need proof, well, this is within a scene that rips off from Little Shop of Horrors Mo. And because the writers of the show thought somebody swallowing their com badge was so funny, they decided to double down on it by having the neurode divergent body positivity hologram try to eat the empathy fungus's growth accelerate. But now it's time for a little training. So it's off to the danger room for Starfleet Academyy's version of Quidditch, a truly unique game designed specifically for Star Trek known as Laser Tag. Now everybody has assumed that the bird watching Klingon Jay Den is gay. We get a scene that might insinuate that.
>> Hello, my name is Jayen.
>> Jayen. [clears throat] I'm Kyle.
>> Mhm.
>> I'm rooting for you shippers. No, actually I'm not. Speaking of shipping, we get a little romantic scene [music] between Caleb and Brett Cooper where he is able to easily accomplish something that's really difficult for any woman or man in the WNBA. Hit an easy layup. There's another laser tag competition to find out who will be the captain of the Starfleet Academy team between Darham and Genesis. And in a shocker for Curtsman Trek, the dude won. Following that, Holly Hunter supposedly tries to talk the Chancellor of the War College out of this prank war. But I think it's time we have a serious conversation about this creative choice to have Holly Hunter spasm all over chairs, Davenports, and couches. Now, apparently, this was Holly Hunter's creative decision. Her character in the show is over 400 years old and she believes this is how a over 400-year-old person would sit. It's supposed to show that she is a free spirit. She marches to the beat of her own drum and her matriarchal power is not bound by the misogynistic, jingoistic, militaristic, patriarchal, and fascist constructs of the old Star Fleet and the War College. What it ends up looking like is somebody who spun out on a cocktail of SSRIs and aderall.
But now it's time for a secret game of laser tag between Slytherin and Gryffindor. After the new Captain Darham challenged Johnny Spoxville and in a scene set to music that sounded like Da Punk with Alzheimer's, Slytherin hands Gryffindor an ass whooping. And the only time they win a match is when Genesis takes over because there's no shortage of girl bossing and Curtsman Trek. And doing what he should have done from the beginning, Darham, our toxic bisexual male, quits being captain and hands it over to Genesis. Specifically in these laser tag scenes, I would like to take this moment to praise Kurtzman, who has always been a champion of inclusivity and diversity with their representation of body positivity and neurode divergence in the sentient hologram character of Sam.
>> I can make myself.
So, of course, the kids get in trouble and they get sent to their chancellors and the Starfleet cadets get chewed out by Holly Hunter in her pajamas.
>> Are your pajamas covered in little metal accordions?
>> They are tiny and warp cords. You want to say something cute about us?
>> And it's at this point I'd like to highlight what Curtsman Trek does to Academy Award-winning actresses. [screaming]
>> Is anybody listening? I'm sure Chancellor Kan is an eyeball. [screaming]
>> I guess Michelle Yo should have warned her. So throughout the entire episode, Holly Hunter has been trying to spell out specifically what the cadets need to do to get back at the war college by preaching patience and empathy as a strategy. And after randomly walking by some empathy fungus, they finally figure it out. But before we get to that, we get the least surprising revelation of all. Tignitara and Laura Thawk are a couple. At least until the USS U-Haul shows up. And that was preceded by Tigaro giving parental advice because anybody in this show that has a dad has daddy issues. So once again, through Holly Hunter's speech where she was contorting on a chair, she essentially laid down the plan to get back at the war college and it was pretty simple. Just make sure the kids randomly walk by an empathy fungus and then figure out you need to be patient and grow them quickly, which would be the opposite of patience by juicing up the growth accelerant and then find some space snot to replicate the eyeball of the war college chancellor. And I know what you're asking now, dear viewer. If you can replicate an eyeball, why are people wearing glasses? And on that note, if you could transfer a consciousness into a robot body, why are people in wheelchairs or deaf anyway? They replicate the eyeball so they can get past the biometric security of the war college and plant the empathy fungus where it grows uncontrollably and probably kills nine or 10 students. And the Starfleet Academy cadets are really proud of themselves in a shot that looks like it's straight out of a Fizer commercial. I think the writers wanted to get across that they were teaching the kids to strategize through the matriarchal lens of patience and empathy over the patriarchal aggressiveness and dominance. When in truth she just taught the kids through the very matriarchal lens to cheat with subtlety. But your guess is as good as mine because this just ended up being yet another episode with all of the Curtsman Trek hallmarks. The aforementioned men, the few of them that they are yielding to women. Women correcting men.
>> Look kid, any message that you have to chase down does not deserve to be read.
>> Genesis,
>> you know what kind of captain sends his team into a slaughter?
>> When I got back and dirty.
>> I'd call you naive, but you've got 300 years on me.
>> 350. Clar has multiple appendix eye.
>> Oh wow.
>> Appendix is excessive.
>> Under staff fleet regulation 286.3
>> 286 4. Actually
>> Constant overaffirmation modern vernacular.
>> I CAN MAKE MYSELF
>> This is kid. Forget my language. I'm pro kid.
>> I would love to just have one shower without having to hear about Darren's multiple polycue underwater hookups.
>> Do you find it challenging to be a war polished douchebag?
>> Welcome to the Calata team. Sweet. It's an honor. They shan once, they'll shenanig again. Well done. Number one,
>> feelings in hallways, feelings in corridors, feelings on basketball courts. It's shot like a commercial, the writing is absurd, and the acting is awful and not a shred of masculinity to be found. But it is unintentionally hilarious, and it's absolutely the acolyte of Star Trek. Just as the acolyte was Kathleen Kennedy's Disney Star Wars in its final form, Star Trek Starfleet Academy is Curtsman Trek in its final form. And tell me if you haven't heard this one before. You take a beloved intellectual property that used to be made for everyone, dumbed it down, vandalized it beyond all recognition, alienating your longtime fans, all in the search for the mythical modern audience, which they found. Unfortunately, that's the other commonality with the acolyte, who did find a very passionate audience with numbers big enough to get it cancelled. And while the new head of Paramount, David Ellison, is desperately trying to buy Warner Brothers, I don't think letting Starfleet Academy see the light of day is helping his cause. And let's not forget, there wouldn't have been Jar Jar Trek, which spawned Curtsman Trek, without David Ellison's Sky Dance. But ultimately, the two biggest problems with Curtsman Trek are the algorithmic product placement of the message and continuing to make Star Trek something it isn't. It isn't the X-Men. It's not Harry Potter. It's not the OC or 90210. And it's not Buffy. What Star Trek needs to be is something Alex Curtsman and his team of repurposers are completely incapable of making. Star Trek.
Watching Kurtzman Trek may cause a range of side effects including but not limited to sudden bounce of nostalgia overload leading to uncontrollable urges to rewatch the original series while muttering. This is my truck. Mild to severe plot hole induced headaches, excessive eye rolling from over the top emotional monologues potentially resulting in strain ocular [music] muscles and slur sensitivity making your everyday sunlight feel like a directorial assault contract whiplash which may result into capit increased sarcasm levels turning casual viewers into fulltime YouTube critics. In not so rare cases it causes vomiting, diarrhea and thought of suicide. If you experience persistent dissolution lasting more than four episodes, discontin viewing [music] and consult classic truck marathon immediately. Ask your doctor if Curtsman Truck is right for you. Spoiler, it isn't. [music]
>> If you like what you heard, please like, share, and subscribe. If you didn't like what you heard, I thank you for listening this long. I will see you in the next video.