Transcription
[Music] I had an emotional affair with a coworker in 2022. Um, when my wife found out, it was pretty traumatic. And so, I'm, I'm sitting in this at 50, just trying to figure out, like, how do I start over and what do I do? One of her big questions is, why? And I don't know how to answer that.
What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. There's 11 trillion podcasts you could be listening to and you picked this one. I'm super grateful that you're with us. So, if you're watching this on the YouTubes, there's about a billion years worth of information out there and you're watching us here. I'm so glad that you are with us. If you want to be on this show, go to johndeloney.com/ask. This is real people with real challenges. And, um, here's my promise. I'll sit with you and we'll try to figure out what's your next right move. Sometimes we don't know what to do. Sometimes we have to stop, grieve it, lick our wounds, check in with somebody, and then go do the next right thing. Take the next right step.
Let's go out to Columbus, Ohio, and talk to Jason. What's up, Jason?
Hey, Dr. John. How are you?
I'm all right, brother. How about you, man?
I'm okay. Thanks for taking my call today.
Of course. Of course. What's up, man?
So, I am I'm gonna try to get through this without getting too emotional.
Hey, feel, feel free to get as emotional as you can, man. There's not a lot of space for men to get emotional anymore. And so, um, this is that space for you. It's just you and me and a couple of million people listening.
Listen. Thanks. Yeah.
What's up? So, I am 50 years old. Um, I have been married for, um, what would be 15 years this year. And, uh, going through divorce proceedings now. Um, still trying to, um, convince my wife to, um, pause the proceedings or at least put them off. Um, I had, uh, an emotional affair with a coworker in 2022. Um, when my wife found out, it was pretty traumatic. Um, caused a lot of trauma, uh, and turmoil in my family. And so, I'm, I'm sitting in this at 50, just trying to figure out, like, how do I start over and what do I do? Um, we have three kids, um, 18, 12, and 10. Um, kind of been putting it off. Um, telling them about the divorce proceedings. Um, we just told them last Friday, and, um, it was, it was rough.
Yeah. So, so why now? Um, I think, uh, why now the divorce?
Mhm. Like, if, if you had an emotional affair back in 2022, I mean, we're three, was 23 was, um, my wife had a really hard time dealing with all of it. Okay. Um, and without going into too much detail, it was, it was just 23 was a really, really rough year. Okay. Um, and so, um, starting in about October of 23, um, we started trying to figure out what our next move was. Um, I, I quit the job that I was working at. Um, immed, like, shortly after, as soon as I could find another job, I, cuz I, yeah, I didn't want to up and leave a job. Um, still needed to provide for the family. Sure. Um, but the, but the work environment was just bad. Yeah. And so, um, left the job, um, found another job, and, um, trying to just start over. Um, one of her big questions is, why? And I don't, like, I don't know how to answer that because I look back at it and I don't even know how it happened. Yeah. Um, so, but 23 was rough. 23 was rough. Um, we started over, um, trying to, trying to rebuild in, um, October of 23. Um, went to some counseling for a little while. Um, uh, went through 24. We ended up selling our house. Um, trying to downsize. Um, and then it's just, um, the, the mental part of it is too much for her to deal with. Um, she worries about it constantly. Um, worries about if I'm talking to somebody or texting somebody or, um, we've put stuff in place. I, I have text messages going to a tablet at our house so that everything is visible. Um, but she, you know, she keeps asking me the question about why, and I don't know how to explain that.
So, and there's a lot here. I really wish she was on the phone, cuz I, I want to hear her story, cuz I, I, I, I guess here's what I would say. Um, her telling you, I just can't get over the fact that you had emotional feelings for somebody else. Um, it's not true. And so, at some level, she's choosing to stay in this and choosing to stay in this and choosing to stay in this. And so, I, I, I, I would want to know what she's, what this is accomplishing for her, where she's trying to go with this, but, but she's not on the phone, so I can only talk to you.
So, back me up to 2020. We're coming out of CO. I mean, we're in the middle of CO. It's a chaotic nightmare. Um, depending on where you live and you're up north, and so I'm assuming it was pretty rough. And then you're in 2021, and people are just trying to figure out what day it is. And some people are in it, some people are out of it. It's chaotic. It's a post-election. It's just a mad house. And then 2022, walk me through what happened with a coworker.
So, it just, it started as just, um, I worked in a like a manufacturing environment, um, where there was a ton of people, and it just started with a, you know, hey, really appreciate your help, you do a great job, um, this sort of thing. And then, as the text messages progressed, um, they just progressed and turned into like, oh man, I love being around you, or I love talking to you. It's like, "Oh, I love you, too." And it, it just escalated into this emotional thing. And it was never, never became a physical thing. We never saw each other outside of work. Um, it was, it was always at work. There was always people around. It was never a, it was never a physical affair. It was, it was honestly, like, if I'm being honest, it almost like it just fed my ego.
Oh, of course it did. Yeah. It felt good, right?
Yeah. Yes.
Did y'all ever send each other naked pictures or anything like that?
No. Nope. Okay. Like that.
So, back of me all the way. And things were rough, right? I worked in an environment where I worked, I literally worked six to seven days, 12 to 15 hour days. Right. So, that, that's why I want to get to the context here, because this often happens like the way you described it was perfect in that it almost always happens. This isn't, this isn't a thousand percent, I mean, 100% of the time, but it almost always. What you're talking about occurs from two people at home that have gotten in the rut of life and they've stopped doing what I call the small attenuating behaviors. Yep. The gentle touches on the arm, the checking in once a day or twice a day or three times a day. People stop sleeping together. People just get into, and this is very common coming out of CO. People became very good co-managers of their house. You do this task, I'll do this task. Yes. And there's, you had two little ones, right? So you had what, a six-year-old and a nine-year-old or something, plus a teenager trying to navigate homeschool. Your wife was probably running up and down, um, a task list every day. You were going to work six or seven hours a day, wearing a mask, not wearing a mask, trying to fight, trying to do this. And suddenly, one degree of separation, I'll do this set of tasks, you do this set of tasks, turn into we're roommates and we're co-managers and we're just trying to survive this chaos. One person's on their phone, the other person's on their phone. And then somebody at work says, "Man, you're hilarious." Or one person at work just gives you a very human, "I see you and I appreciate you." And it feels good. Yeah. Right. It feels good. And then you start having conversations there that either she doesn't want to have at home or you don't want to have at home. Or this is a weird thing to say out loud, but you get to a place where you're co-managing the house, but you don't know how to even go back to or start over. You, how to have those, "Hey, checking in. How are you?" Yes. Because it becomes a taskless rundown. You're just managing the place, right? Yes. And then somebody says, "Hey, this feels good."
So, I, I want to say this. Um, I get emotional affairs are heavy and wrong and blah, blah, blah, but you're not crazy and you aren't the only person this happened to. What I'm, what I was, there was there was other, there's other. So, I was, there were other flirtatious text messages as well with other people. Okay. And so that piles on top of it. Um, I wasn't in an environment where I could always be available to talk. So, there were times where, um, I would get calls at work and I would go, "Look, I can't deal with this right now. You're gonna have to manage that at home because I don't have the time to do it right now." Right? And so, all of that replays, right? It replays everything from the last 11 years that I worked at the place. Um, because it, it was just, it, it was chaos.
Well, I mean, is this a serial thing you've been doing for like, h basically hiding from your home at work six to seven days a week and getting your, all of your emotional, like your productivity, your intentionality, and now your emotionals? Is that all being met somewhere not in your home?
So, yes. So, it, it, it, I stayed at that job. She begged me to not, begged me, but she asked me to quit the job and I'm like, "How do you want me to quit the job? We have kids. I've got to provide. And I, like, I thought that was my job. I thought my role was, I've got to go. I got to make this amount of money so that we can do these vacations and we can afford this house and we can afford these cars." Sure. And, and, like, I look back at it now and none of it mattered.
Correct. Not one bit of it. Yeah. Right. But at the time, it was just, I got to go to work. I got to, like, I got to do it. And was, was going to work a way to not be at home?
No, I loved being at home. Like, I loved being at home with my wife and kids. Um, it just was the, the money was fantastic. Okay. Um, and so, yeah.
So, so take me to right now. What, what have you done differently?
So, I am, I'm at a job now where I'm, I'm out. I, I work four, basically four and a half days. I work Monday through Thursday, 10 hour days. 8 hour day on Friday. I'm out at 2:30s. And so, I'm home, don't work any weekends. Um, I'm present and doing stuff with the kids. Um, I basically missed out on, like, a lot of my kids' childhood, and especially my, my oldest, right, who's now 18. Um, he's, him and I had a horrible relationship, and it's now, like, we're doing stuff together, right? Took him out to lunch a few months ago. He just graduated high school. Um, trying to help him be an adult because he's 18, so he's still a kid. Yeah. Um, um, checking in with the wife. It's just,
But take me to, take me to right this second. Why did she file for divorce?
She, she told me she filed because of what happened and that she can't deal with the drama. So, I, like, back all the way up to the beginning of our marriage. I was the one that put in place, like, "Hey, we don't, we don't ride in cars with people of opposite sex. We set these boundaries. We don't have these conversations. This is how we do it." And then, and I would have violated every single one. Sure. Right.
I got you. And so, she's got other past trauma, too, but this has been really, really difficult. Do you have any idea what she thinks she is going to accomplish by separating the family up?
I think she thinks she won't have to worry about what I'm doing. I think for her, if the divorce is, if the divorce is final, then she doesn't have to worry about what I'm doing or who I'm talking to. H and I've tried to say, like, the divorce is just a piece of paper that says we're not married anymore. I, like, because I still care. I love my wife very much, and I told her, I'll, I'll do whatever it takes.
I know. I can hear that. So, is she, is she through working on it? I know. I know she's filed, but I don't, I don't think so. I, like, I still have hope, and I think there's a part of her, like, cuz we still co, we still live together. We still live in the same house. Yeah. Um, and so, I, I think she wants to. She just doesn't know how and can't get the answers that she's looking for. Yeah. And I don't know how to give them to her because, like I said, I look back at it and I don't know how I got to that point.
It, it doesn't matter how you got there, but if you sat down and said, "I was a shell of a person and instead of coming home for emotional security and emotional safety and emotional interactions, I felt good to get it from someone else and I went down a rabbit hole and I screwed up." Yes. Okay. So, what else is she asking for?
She, she wants to know why. I mean, you've, you've told her why, and I can't. Yeah.
So, here's what that tells me. What that tells me is she's searching for a feeling that won't come. The feeling that she's searching for will only come on the other end of action. Both of y'all working together. And unfortunately, I'm afraid she's gonna try to get that feeling on the other side of this, this separation, the other side of this divorce, this finality, and it's not gonna be there either. It's gonna be worse, right? Um, and here's, here's the deal. You, you've heard my show. If you've listened to my show before, you know I'm pretty rough on men because I feel like I'm one, right? And I can, I can speak from that experience. Um, I hear it in your voice, man. I hear repentance in your voice and I hear trying to make it right and trying to build something new. And I also hear, um, she is hoping for a feeling, a sense of this, ah, and that's not gonna come without a ton of work on her end, too, right? And so, um, yeah, that's tough. What she's gonna have to do is exhale and say, "I am going to choose to potentially get hurt again. And I'm gonna choose to re-date this man and re-fall in love with this man who he is now, not who he was." And there's a lot of hurt in the past. And let's be honest, she contributed to an environment, too.
Fair. Yes, that's fair. Okay. I know you don't want to say that kind of stuff, but she's gotta take ownership, too.
No, because I want to honor her through all this. I know. I know. That's why I'm saying that's not, that's not a place for you to call out. This is the wrong time for you to be like, "Yeah, well, you did that." You're doing a very right thing, which is to own all of it. But the only way she can heal is to own her part, too. Yeah. Okay. And this is, sounds, I know this sounds strange for me, and people like to bash me on the internet for how rough I am on men. They don't hear this side of the conversation that I have privately. I want to commend you for taking ownership of of messing up and for taking two or three years of walking it back. And you're living in the grief of, "Oh my gosh, I traded money for my kids' time. I traded a feel-good relationship with somebody at work for the consistency and love and the vulnerable conversations of telling my wife what I need at home, too. I traded that. And I, you, sounds like you get it, man.
Yeah, I did. And, and it's going through that grieving now.
I know. I know. I know. Um, but that's the path. You're doing what you need to do, brother. And at the end of the day, she's got a choice to make. And my, my hope is that she doesn't assume that everything's gonna be better on the other side of a divorce, cuz now you're gonna be, I mean, you, you think I'm not gonna have to worry about him anymore or her anymore. Sheesh. Man, now you're gonna, it's just gonna escalate. I mean, it's just gonna be a mess. So, man, I appreciate the call, my brother. Um, if you guys both want to call me back on the same call or have her call me, I would love to talk to you.
We come back, a woman wonders how her husband can be a healthy role model for their daughters. All right, it's time for a word about Helix, the mattresses of the universe. Summer is here, the sun's up earlier, school is out, camps are coming and going, kids are bouncing off the walls. And if you're like me, your daily routine is bonkers. And when that happens, what's the first thing that tanks? Sleep. I'm gonna be real with you. When I'm not sleeping good, my wife knows it. My kids realize how grumpy I am. And everything feels harder than it should be. Sleep is not just about closing your eyes and resting. It's about going to deep sleep. It's about showing up the next day as the kind of person you want to be and the kind of person your family needs you to be. That's why I sleep on a Helix mattress. Before Helix, I tried all kinds of mattresses. They were too soft, too stiff. Some of them had memory foam that felt like I was sinking into quicksand. You name it, I've tried it. But Helix matched me with the perfect mattress based on how I sleep and who I sleep next to. My wife. Yes, they've even got options for couples who need different feels on the same bed. That's incredible. Listen, take the Helix Sleep quiz. It takes like 2 minutes and they're gonna match you with the perfect mattress just for you. And right now, my audience gets extended access to their Fourth of July sale for 27% off the entire Helix site. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney and get 27% off your entire order. That's helixsleep.com/deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that. But therapy is also a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well-being or their relationships. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past as well as helping me navigate the day-to-day challenges of being a husband, a dad, and a citizen. Many of you should think about therapy, too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Listen, talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp hp.com/deloney.
Nashville, Tennessee, right down the street. Let's talk to Brienne. Hey, Brienne. What's up?
Hey, Dr. John. How are you?
I'm doing all right. How are you?
I'm doing good, thanks. What's up?
So, I was calling today, um, to talk about my husband who's a wonderful, wonderful man, but for some reason, he just doesn't seem happy. Like, he doesn't see his own value and his own worth. And as his wife, like, I want to support him. And so, I wonder where my responsibility to helping him find that value and that happiness, like, ends and where his responsibility begins.
H tell me, tell me what you mean by he doesn't seem happy anymore.
Um, he, one of the main, um, contributors, I think, is body dysmorphia. He, he has this image in him, his mind of the younger him where he grew up, he was pretty morbidly obese, and he was able to, you know, fight that demon and, and he's in wonderful, wonderful shape. Um, but for whatever reason, he still finds himself looking at himself in the mirror thinking that he's too large or he's just simply uncomfortable in his skin. And he makes a lot of comments about it, especially like in front of our daughters. And it, it makes me very nervous for the inner dialogue that our daughters are creating for themselves. Sure. And, I mean, that's only one contributor. Um, he, he just, he doesn't seem happy at all. He's not happy with where we live. He does, he's not happy with our house. He's not happy with his job sometimes. He's not happy with all of these things. And I feel personally that it's, it's so much coming from his intrinsic value that's just sort of being projected.
Yeah. There, there's a sense that something out there will make me feel better inside. Exactly. Yeah.
How long have y'all been married?
Um, we've been married for about 4 years, and we've been together for 11.
How old are you?
Uh, 35.
35. How old are your babies?
Uh, seven and nine.
Okay. Um, I, I, as a guy who has also struggled with body dysmorphia, I was never morbidly obese, but, um, in fact, I was the opposite. I was just so skinny. Um, I can tell you the two things that worked in my life. One was my wife contacted a close friend of mine that sat down and said, "You got to go talk to somebody." And again, body dysmorphia is a, it's a symptom, right? It's a, it's a light on the dashboard of there's something external, whether it's a mirror image, whether it's a dollar amount, whether it's a, a size of a neighbor of a neighborhood, whether it's a house, whatever it is. Um, but it's a sign of something missing inside. The second thing is, um, my wife has been very direct in, "You're not gonna say those things in front of my children." And when she took that type of ownership for me, it's like a, um, I'm trying to think of the right word, but it was like a lightning bolt for me. Like, basically, she came to a point where she said, "You can think this about yourself. It is not true. It's a lie, but I can't get inside your head, but you will not say these things about your body in front of those kids." Right? And that was a lightning bolt for me. Yeah.
I've definitely, I've taken that stance of, good. It's basically protecting your kids, right?
Exactly. I, this is an environment that our children are growing up in, and I don't want them to think anything but beautiful thoughts about themselves. Um, and I've also, I think, sort of the first point that you hit on about talking to somebody else to talk to him is a, is a big one for us because early in our relationship, he wasn't the most stand-up guy. He wasn't, you know, he wasn't, you know, the man that he is today. And for that reason, a lot of his friends, like his friend group, I mean, naturally, as a young adult, your friends sort of go off in different directions, but his friends really dropped him. And in the last, you know, however many years since, he hasn't really gained a, a foundation or a support group of men in his life like, like I would like for him to. Um, and I can only think of maybe one or two people who are really close to him friend-wise. And honestly, I don't completely trust them. I don't see that they have the values inside of them that I would even feel comfortable calling to say, you know, "Hey, you need to talk to him." Um, because I have asked him directly, you know, "Hey, you know, how can I support you? Like, would you be interested in talking to somebody in therapy?" And he immediately blocks at that. you know, "Would you like to, um, explore religion?" And he boxed that. you know, whether it's solo, whether it be as a family, whether it's a men's Bible study group. And it just feels like all of the options that I have at my feet just aren't, aren't good enough. And that unhappiness, you know, it, it permeates our household and in ways like he doesn't want to go do things or, you know, even if he does, it very much feels like he's doing it to satisfy us and isn't truly there in the moment with us.
Okay? But I, I want you to be careful about a couple of things, okay? And, and I, I'll give you a couple of options and, and but if he does go do the things and you begin to try to get inside his head and begin to judge his motives or his feelings about doing the things. Mhm. Then what happens is it's this weird recursive loop-de-loop, but he comes to understand that he lives in a failure factory. Got it? And if he can't rest in the right way, or he can't go play with his daughters in the right way, or even going out with the family for ice cream or to, uh, baseball, I don't know what y'all do, but to go fishing, I'm just making up stuff. Um, if he can't do that, because even then you're like, "Well, you don't even want to be here." And then that's a recipe for a man that just cashes out in his own life, right? Instead of at the end of the night, even if he felt grumpy, even if he felt like he was distant, in a good, you've been with him for over a decade. You know when he's present, when he's not. Even if, like, emotionally, his body can be somewhere, but his mind's somewhere else, right? There is something incredibly powerful about you putting your hand on his forearm on the drive home and at a stoplight saying, "Hey, look me in the eyes." And he looks at you and say, "I'm really glad that you came tonight. This is more fun with you here." Right? That's different than, "You don't even seem like you want to be here." You get what I'm saying, right? Yeah. And so, he's got to have some places where he gets tiny little wins. And unfortunately, not unfortunately, thank God, you're the person that can help him with those tiny little wins because right now, his ability to see them in and of himself, that, that sensor doesn't work. It's busted and it probably got broken when he was a kid, right? The next thing you can do is, if he doesn't want to go or I just don't feel it, I'm gonna go anyway. And there was years of my life that I went begrudgingly because I didn't want to be the husband who stayed at home while my wife took the kids out somewhere, right? No. And, and he, I did go through that. I did go through the, you know, "We're going to go and you're totally invited and we'd love for you to come" stage. Okay. Um, and he's definitely moved past that. Like, "No, I'm gonna be there." And, and can't understate the amount. Like, he is a wonderful husband. He is a present parent. Like, I just, I don't understand how he doesn't see himself the way that I do.
Yeah. I, it may be that his mom and his dad didn't either. Yes. And my guess is that you feel powerless and you feel like you're somehow deficient because you can't make him see something. And I don't want you to project your feeling of failure, which by the way, you're not failing. I don't want you to project that on him and make him carry that, too.
You're absolutely right. So, for me, this is me just being as honest as I can. Probably more honest than I've ever been on the show. I don't know that I will ever be able to see myself in a mirror in a way that, um, is is accurate, but I'll be damned if my kids won't see their, their beauty, right? And so, um, I gently ask my wife sometimes, "Hey, is this t-shirt, can I wear this t-shirt?" And she knows what that means. And she'll say, "You look hot." Or she'll say, "Let's don't do that one today." And I've chosen to not let that spiral me out. I've chosen to like, let her be honest with me. Right. Right. And I make sure I tell my daughter every single day of her life, even though she rolls her eyes out the back of her head, that I think she's beautiful. And I make sure with my son that I hug him every single day of my life. I would like to hug my daughter, but that's a whole thing. But we have a special hug. It's, it's not really a hug, but it's as close as I'm gonna get for a while. Um, but I'm gonna make sure that they know without a shadow of a doubt that they're beautiful, that they're handsome. Yeah. And so, I, I don't know that you can fix what's inside of him with that. That, I mean, my sensor is just busted. It just is. And I've just made peace with it because I got tired of hating. I got tired of hating how I looked, and then I got tired of hating that I hated how I looked, right? You know what I'm saying? So, I just declared a ceasefire with my own self. It is what it is. And I exercise so I feel good. And I try to wear clothes that fit most of the time. And I'm gonna make sure my kids know I freaking love them. Yeah.
I think the part that you said about like me projecting my feelings of failure, like it's my responsibility to help him remedy that feeling or or fix that picture in the mirror or whatever it may be. It hits the nail on the head. Especially when, like I said, it, this discontent feels like it bleeds into other things. Like when he's like, you know, "I wish that our house was a little bit bigger. I wish that I could have this country club membership. I wish." And I think all of those things continue that narrative in my head of like, "I'm failing him somehow. Like I didn't get us a larger house. Like I didn't get us the country club membership. Like I didn't, you know, whatever X may be."
Um, here's the solution to that. The first thing is tonight, when the kids are in bed, tell them, "I want 30, 30 minutes just with you and me." And you can tell him, "You're not getting lucky tonight, buddy. I just need to talk to you for a minute." And you can laugh about it or whatever, but hold his hands and look him in the eye and say, "This is gonna be awkward, but I'm doing this anyway." And say, "You're the guy that I met 11 years ago or 12 years ago that I've been with for 11 years. I've been married to for four years. We made two beautiful kids. I think you're effing awesome. And I think you're, I think you're super attractive. And I know that for whatever reason, you don't always see that, but I've been, I've been trying to take ownership of that. And I'm not gonna anymore. I'm just gonna tell you that I love you. And I'm gonna stop nagging you about it and hassling you about it. And I see the man you're becoming. I see the dad you are. It's amazing. And I project my own insecurities onto you. And I'm sorry." And the next step will be, "I want you to take all of those things, a little bit bigger house, country club membership, I want you to write it down on a piece of paper. And once a month, you and I, when we do our family calendar and our family budget, we'll look at them and see, are any of these still important or not?" And once you get them out of your head and on a piece of paper, what, when I started doing that, I'm telling you, just some of the stuff just falls away because it looks, it's dumb. But when it's in my head, it's just, it's another brick in the mental load wheelbarrow that I carry around with me all the time. Writing it down at the end of the day is like, "Dude, country club, what a waste of money. That's just stupid." You know? Um, but right, when it just feels like another thing I don't have and another thing I don't have, and then it feels like there's a hundred things I don't have. Just commit to writing them down and tell him, "I'm gonna write down my things." And y'all can look at them and you can laugh and you can circle them. And the next month, you can roll them up. And the next month, you can roll them up. And at the end of this year, if y'all saved up some money and y'all want to spend it on something, then look on that list and see what you want to spend it on. Yeah. But begin to just get that, that crap out of your body and out of your spirit and out of your head and put on a piece of paper.
I can do that. But here's what I'm saying. Be in it with him and tell him, "Dude, it makes me feel a little bit small that I can't give you a bigger house." And he's probably gonna say, "It's my job to get a bigger house." And you, you might say, "Well, I make more money than you." I don't know y'all's financial situation, but, um, y'all can talk about it. Or what my wife says 100% of the time is when I say, "Man, I wish we had," she goes, "I love this house. I love it." And it's just an exhale. Like, she loves our life. I do. And I hear that from her over and over. And I'm telling you, it is a tall glass of cold water in the desert for me. As a guy who just feels like I'm never providing enough, my goodness, just hearing that over and over is such a gift. And I'm sure she gets tired of saying it, but it's just pretty awesome. Yeah. And the last thing I'll tell you is, um, at some point, if you want to tell him, "Hey, I want to love you better. I want to find ways that I can love you better, and I, I don't feel like I'm doing a great job." He'll probably say, "You do a great job. You can go see somebody here in Nashville and just tell him, "I would love for you to come with me, but I'm gonna go 'cause I want to learn to love you better." And he sounds like the kind of guy that will let you go once, let you go twice, and he'll be like, "Okay, I'll go." Yeah. And that's okay. And if he sits there with his arm folded in the first one or two sessions and he hears you tell a third party, "I just want to love this man." And he doesn't see what value I see in him and how amazing I think he is, and I want to do a better job of connecting with him. Um, that might be the path to him opening up for the first time.
When we come back, a woman asks if her husband should fight for his daughter's custody. Hey, it's Deloney for Organifi. I talk to people every day who are stressed out. They're anxious. They're not sleeping well. They're disconnected and they're grumpy. And most of them are trying to fix all of their challenges with comfort food or caffeine or scented candles. Can we all just agree that none of that stuff is probably working? That's where Organifi comes in. Organifi superfood products are made to help you feel better with more energy, less stress, and helps you get better sleep by giving your body what it needs without all the artificial nonsense. Here's a good example. I love Organifi's Happy Drops. They're little gummies made with all natural ingredients like saffron that have positive effects on mood and emotional well-being. In fact, there are clinical studies showing that people who take saffron have improved social relationships. And there's other studies that show saffron can help lift your mood. Listen, I can talk about ingredients and clinical studies and all of that. But here's the best endorsement of Organifi that I can give. I use Organifi every single day. I have family members who take Organifi. I travel with it. I take it at home. And I want you to give Organify a try, too. Go to organifi.com/deloney and use code deloney to save 20%. That's 20% off your entire order with code deloney at organifi.com/deloney.
All right, Sandra in Baltimore. What's up, Sandra?
Hi. How are you?
I'm pretty good. How are you?
I'm doing okay. How can I help?
Hi. So, um, my question is if, um, you know, if my husband should proceed with, um, fighting for custody of his biological daughter. Um, so seven years ago, um, we had bought a house and we were moving out of the neighborhood, and he had an affair with the cousin of our neighbors who was at the time living in her basement. Um, and, um, she already, she was married, she had a kid, and she ended up pregnant with my husband. And so, when we, I, I didn't find out until 4 years later. And when I find out, um, there was a process of healing and obviously, um, before that, I wanted to like bring everything out and try to figure out what we were gonna do because she was very adamant that she wanted her daughter to be part of my husband's life. And so, um, I had to sit down with my family. Everyone, everyone knew at the time, even my then seven-year-old boy, no, nine-year-old boys had to know about it because if she was gonna be part of it, he had to know about her. And so, um, it was hard for me because obviously, how do you tell a kid, "Oh, this happened." And so, to me, it was crazy at the time, but, um, I put on my big girl pants and like, we, I tried to like make friends with her and try to figure out how we could go about it.
Wow. Hold on. I'll just pause right there. That's, that's next level.
Yeah. It was, it was a hard time. Yeah.
How long ago is this?
Um, about 3 to 4 years ago that I found out.
Okay. Mhm. How's your marriage right now?
Um, it's, it's gotten better. Um, we, we're still working on our relationship.
Is he working on it?
He's trying. There's times where I don't see the effort, but we have people around us that are keeping him keeping him accountable.
Awesome. And so that has helped. Okay. So, tell me about the situation right now with the daughter with the custody.
Yeah, we, we don't have any contact with them. I mean, I have tried to text, um, the mom and like try to see, uh, where she's at with things, but the last conversation she was saying how, yeah, I know. I'm not sure that just, that's what I want for her anymore.
So, yes, your husband needs to go to war for his custody of his daughter, or at least half custody.
Yeah. Well, he, the only time that he tried, um, he was advised not to. They told him it was, he was gonna lose and it was just gonna be chaotic, and because of this space where we were at with our relationship, he chose not to pursue anything.
Is his name on the birth certificate?
No.
Why not?
Because since she was married at the time, her husband took in the baby girl as his. So, his name is on the certificate.
Yeah. And Jeez. And you know what? I, I don't know the laws of Maryland. In some places, that's fraud. I, I don't know the laws of Maryland. Um, here's all I know. I know at some point that little girl will find out. And what I would want, I don't care how messy it is. I don't care how expensive it is. I don't care any of that crap. Um, I want there to be a record for my little girl, even when she's 25, that your dad never stopped fighting to be in your life. And I don't care what bad stuff other people said about me. I don't care about what bad stuff your stepdad or your birth mom said about me. Here is the track record. Here's the box of letters I sent you that got returned in via mail. I kept coming for you. I kept coming for you. And, and so, I, I mean, I'd probably get with an attorney before the day is over. But that's me. I, I don't do well not being around my daughter for three days. I can't imagine having a daughter out there that I didn't get to see. I just can't, I can't, I can't psychologically wrap my head around it. And my guess is you're asking this question because at some point you lose respect for your husband because he's not fighting for his daughter.
Somewhat. Yes. Because not that I lose respect for him because I know how much he loves his kids and, but it, it just hurts me to see him not do anything when I can tell that it bothers him. He doesn't express it. He doesn't talk about it. It's a, it's a subject that he kind of leaves out.
Yeah. He's got a huge hole in his chest, but he's, he's not going forward. It might be, I, I don't know what you can do in this situation other than to sit down and say, "I know how you love our kids. I know you love that little girl, and I don't care what kind of advice we got. I'm giving you full permission to go fight for that for custody of that, of that little girl. Even if it's visitation on the weekends." Yeah. But yeah, he's gonna become a shell of himself because he's got half of himself running around in this little beautiful girl, and her life is, is, is based on a lie. Yeah. And the day will come, she'll find out. Technology is too good. It just is. Yeah. And that's what I'm afraid of. Like, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes and no know nothing was done. And by the way, his, her, that guy, her step parent, or the whole thing sounds like a mess. By the way, h how do you even know that that's his kid? Did y'all get a paternity test?
Yeah. So, um, they had just done a paternity test when I found out about the whole situation. Okay. Um, she was four years old at the time, I believe. And because that was my first reaction, like, "How do you know if that she's yours?" Sure. And so, yeah.
That's, I would be on the phone with an attorney by the end of the day. Otherwise, here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna watch your husband wither away. You're gonna lose respect in him. And you're gonna begin to question why you stuck around in this marriage to begin with. And there's gonna be a little girl out there that turns into a teenager that turns into a young woman who's gonna find out she has a different parent that her mom and her dad lied to her. And I mean, her mom and her stepdad lied to her, and her birth father never came and fought for her. And by the world, got too many of those kids running around now. They call my show and they find out at 27 or they find out at 33 or they find out at 41, and their whole life, just the foundation of their life turns to ash underneath them. Don't do that. Don't do that. Even if it's weekends, even if it is every other week, I don't care, dude. I, I don't know. I, I just tell you right now, I'm coming for my daughter 100% of the time. 100% of the time. Thanks for the call, Sandra. Grab your husband's hands tonight and just say, "Husband, we're gonna get that girl." And get on the phone with a lawyer and go figure out what's the next right move. Thank you for the call. We'll be right back.
[Music] Poncho is back as a supporter of this show and I'm stoked about it. If you have seen me speaking on stages across the country, if you watch this show, or if you recently ran into me when I was fishing with my son out at Gulf Shores in Alabama, or if you've even seen me mowing my acres out here in Nashville, I'm almost always wearing Poncho shirts inside and outside. Poncho makes the absolute best outdoor performance shirts for men. Period. Whether they are sponsoring the show or not, you're gonna almost always see me wearing Poncho. And of course, I love their denims and their insanely soft flannels. But now that it's super hot outside, I'm wearing Poncho shirts outside, too. They're lightweight and they're breathable, yet they're still tough enough to handle whatever chaos my day brings. And I'm talking everything from travel to being up to my chest fishing in the surf or doing yard work. These shirts move with you, not against you. They dry fast and they don't cling or bunch up. And they come in slim or regular fits, so you're not walking around like a circus tent or like a sausage link. Head over to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney and try them for yourself. And right now, new customers get $10 off their first Poncho purchase. Just sign up with your email. Go to ponchooutdoors.com/delone. And trust me, Poncho Ultralight shirts will turn into your summer essentials, too.
All right, Kelly 2.0, something cool happened. What's up?
Something really cool happened and I'm going to try to not even get emotional, but, um, I didn't know you had those.
I know. Well, dang. All right, let's do it. Here we go. All right. Um, so Hannah, that we had on the show, um, last week, that presented the thoughts that she was having around suicide and how we called the authorities. Yeah. She just texted me.
Wow. Okay.
What'd you say?
Yeah. She said, "Can you please tell John, um, and whoever that sent the authorities to my house, thank you? I voluntarily went to an inpatient care facility and just got out. It was a weird experience, but I was safe for a few days. Um, but thank you guys so much for all that you do."
Wow. Yeah. Dang. And you were the ones on the phone making all those calls and everything. So, what was your experience like doing that?
It was really heavy. Yeah. Um, it was really heavy and just knowing that like she could be really angry with us, but like, at the end of the day, like that's what is best for her and her care, and I'm just so grateful that she was receptive to it and that we had the information that we needed to get her the help that she needed.
Yeah. And good on the authorities for showing up and doing wellness checks. And the some of those folks that show up on those wellness checks are highly trained to encourage people to just go get the help they need. And it's tough when you're an adult 'cause you can say no. I'm gonna stay in my house. And, um, man, good for Hannah for being brave and going. That's awesome, dude. Good, Kelly. I'm, I, I'm really grateful that you made that call. And I know I've been on that phone call too many times and it's easy for me to say like, "We're gonna call the authorities," but you're the one that actually made that call. And that's hard and it's just surreal, right? Going through all the information on that. So, thank you for doing that. That made a big difference in that woman's life. She may still be here because you made that phone call. That's awesome. Good on you. Good on you. And everybody listening to the show. It doesn't always work out in the end, but this is one of those awesome moments that it did. And make the phone call. Be the friend that shows up and talks to your buddy and says, "Hey, brother. I don't think you're doing well." Be the woman who shows up with her girlfriend and says, "Hey, I, I'm just worried about you." Be the dad that fights for his daughter. Be the neighbor that calls and says, "Hey, authorities, I need you to do a wellness check on my neighbor. She's not looking, looking great." I love you guys. This country will turn around neighbor by neighbor, front door by front door. Love you guys. Bye.
[Music]