Transcription
Do you believe you still possess the ability to be happy?
No. I know that sounds weird, like half-smiling right now. I don't. Right now, maybe there's a way to get it back, but I know I don't think I can experience joy. I don't.
I'm aware that's a very sensitive topic, and I want to respect your boundaries. So, before we begin, I want to ask, is there anything that's off-limits?
No. If I am uncomfortable with something, I'll just say something like, "Can we pass on that for a second and gather my thoughts again?" I won't say no to anything. Sometimes there's just a need for more time to think of how to properly answer because it just works slowly. Sometimes life does it work slowly? Sometimes. Oh, get your head knocked around a lot. I've had at least eight concussions.
Can you list for me all of your diagnoses?
I'm probably gonna fail. Good try. Um, schizoaffective. That's schizophrenia with a personality disorder, which is borderline personality disorder. With me, um, CPTSD. C-PTSD. It's PTSD, but instead of one traumatic event, it's more than one. So, it's complex PTSD. Multiple traumatic brain injuries. Well, obviously, like manic depression and an anxiety disorder.
I loved life, and something one day just kind of clicked, and it was a steady down, down, down, down. And trying to hide it, you know, because you don't really know that you're going down until people, you realize that you're not happy with anything. Like, nothing makes you happy. You used to be happy all the time, and now everything that made you happy is just tiresome.
I will freely admit, like, I'm still learning a lot because I'm sometimes in special. In the beginning, you don't want to know. You want to push it aside and pretend it's not there. So you don't do anything and just get worse. I had a hospital visit a few months ago where I had a kind of, like, my psychosis event.
What is it like to experience psychosis?
Horrifying. You don't know what it is. Well, I didn't. People, I'm now at least a little more alert to some of the symptoms. But things for me were normal, and then they, they weren't. And I know, I sort of know why. I mean, nothing really triggered it, per se. Well, yeah, there was, there was definitely a trigger. Um, I also experienced delusions. And one of mine is, I am thoroughly convinced that my people go through my mail, our bug my phone. The crazy person talk. And I can joke about that because I know it's insane, but I'm convinced it's real. Does that even make sense? Like, you can logically know that you're being irrational, but what you hear, smell, see, touch, taste, when your senses convince you it's real, what is logic matter anymore? 'Cause I can feel it, I can smell it, I can see it, I can hear it. So logic doesn't, probably won't happen in this moment.
Even though you just communicated to me that you know it's not real, do you still believe it to be true?
Yeah. I'm working on it.
Do you have memories of psychosis?
Flashes, flashes. Um, nah. I don't mind. I can't describe them as memories because I don't see them as memories. I see them almost. I'd have to think really hard to think of them, too. Like, it's that foggy. Um, I have a flash. I'm in a hospital bed. I'm laying on my back, and the mental health person, apparently, was there to speak to me, and they drugged me. I'm so heavily that I could, I remember barely being able to open my mouth and speak words, and she was asking me a bunch of complicated questions. I was getting really upset because I couldn't speak. That's the most vivid memory I have.
People do get upset, and hopefully, if they watch this, they will now understand why it takes me so long to return calls or to hear a voicemail because it is like, I don't know how to describe it. It's, um, it's, and it's just impossible. I don't know. I would say better than that, it's just you. I can't touch it. Sometimes I don't want to ask you questions about your exact perception of why you don't want to pick up the phone because I'm aware that might be feeding the delusion. Is that true?
Exactly. I think people, there's only one other person I've told that's for this kind of stuff, and one of their questions was, I was obviously in not a good place, and he had asked me, you know, "Well, are you experiencing some right now?" And it's, "No." I guess I could do it. I'm sorry. I can't tell you that because when you start mixing real world with fake world, it's already intertwined so much. You start letting other players on the stage come in and interact with you, then you're having a real hard time understanding that those players are there.
And I think that shows growth that you're able to acknowledge that. So, what I will say is, I do not believe anybody's watching you or following you. My question is, when you are going through those moments where you believe that, how can your friends and family help?
Don't push the issue. I know that sounds like I'm not saying just ignore Daniel, let him be crazy. But sometimes people will ask specific questions, and it may seem like not a big deal kind of question, but if someone's obviously very uncomfortable to the point where I'll just like, "I'm just knocking my head on something 'cause I, I just need you to stop asking me questions," kind of thing, you know? But they'll be like, "I don't understand. It's not a big deal. I just want to know how come you don't, you know, how come he wanted this or how come you're not doing this or what do you mean when you say that?" As like, "Can you please draw your conclusions and ask me later when I'm not so obviously, mmm, imploding?"
Do you also have hallucinations?
Yes. Yes. Um, some. I, I have, I have random ones, but I also have recurring ones. And it, there's no telling. My either, there's no warning. There's, you know, some people with seizures can smell oranges before they have seizures. No, it's just, you haven't zero control. It's, it's if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. And the scary part is when it, you legitimately just don't know. I have designs that become like 3D prints almost where you're looking at the Jesus poster on the wall, but it's the carpet, the design. Where you move, and it comes up, and they become a big. It's very disorienting. I shadows, my shadow will move, it will speak.
Is it offensive, or would it be okay if for the rest of this interview I refer to those thoughts of paranoia as delusional thoughts?
Yes. Right. Especially right now, I'm like, it's a good day, and I know those thoughts that are irresponsible and make no sense. You know, maybe tomorrow I'll be in a, you know, "Don't question me" bad mood. But today, it's like, yeah. It's very difficult to describe. It's because I hear you say that, and my mouth is saying, "Oh, yeah, that's fine." I'm back here saying, "He doesn't know. He hasn't seen the letters, and he hasn't gone through the phone. He hasn't heard that beeping. He hasn't felt that second ring that jumps on top of the first ring that shouldn't be there on the phone rings." So it's kind of like that. It's kind of like, "Okay, it's being polite. We're agreeing to disagree."
Then there's audio. Those are fun. Um, I don't know how to describe them. Some, there's two different types. I, I can have what, what you would call voices in your head. It's not my voice, but it's not some personality. It's just a different voice, but it's in my head. I, but then I also have external voices where, well, I go say where my shadow would be talk to me, and I swear I'm hearing it from here. Like, I hear it outside of my head. Like you would be talking to me. And if it is, sometimes it's really, really, really, really, really fast whispering, like a cadence. The voices in the head are usually trying to get you do something or influence you to do something, and I'm not going to repeat what a lot of those say because that's just not nice for anybody to hear.
You can imagine how exhausting it is to not just around people all the time. Like, I'm, I should not. I've been wondering if my Oscar award is because this is ridiculous. I mean, I've done pretty awesome hiding. So a lot of this, it gets exhausting putting on a face 24/7. It just not stopped.
With your family members? Oh, you know, I, contact. It can be very difficult for me, and it's not because it's antisocial. It's because to me, bad things can happen if I have eye contact with a human being. And it's gonna, it's gonna sound crazy, but I'm tired of having like, look just in between to look normal, you know, and carry on like nothing's the matter when I'm hearing or seeing or experiencing really intense feelings. It's, you have to get help eventually because you go down the wrong path, in which I have 100% gone down.
Do you think about the future?
Um, I haven't for a really long time. In fact, the future, I guess, still doesn't really exist. But it's really scary thinking about the future. It's one of the worst things for me to do because I'm convinced, and all I see is usually just a road of nothing. Nothing. Just every morning, the same sun coming through the same window at the same time to wake you up to the same day of the same pain, of the same extreme boredom, of the same frustrations. And you see where this goes. And so I am trying really hard not, not to. I'm trying to find a way to be comfortable with the present because I'm not. I'm not comfortable with the present. I'm not comfortable with the past. I'm definitely scared to death of the future.
Try to imagine living in a world where you don't really believe that your thoughts are your own, and understand how stressful that can be at times. How would you describe PTSD?
Mm-hmm. I'm not sure because if it's the right word, debilitating, freezing, um, an overall suffocation. Um, someone hugging you too hard sometimes, or it's an overwhelming sense of doom. You just know that bad things are.
Can you tell me about your animals you're holding?
Oh, yes. Um, there's a store here in town that does, um, sensory and toys. And I found with me, at least, and it's different for everybody, especially if I'm having difficulty and a scenario where I'm beginning, I called it the melting of the minds. I'm a very dramatic person, and that's when things aren't, I can't tell what's going on, really, what's real, what's not. A lot of these things can help. Life, as you can see, I've torn away. This used to be a fabric, now it's just the plastic because I sit there and I rub it so much. But that feeling just helps ground you, and that's what these guys are.
What is borderline personality disorder?
The best way I can describe it is, she sees this, she's gonna hate me. Who sees it? My ex-wife. She's the most wonderful human being on the planet. Like, she is, she's fantastic. Always will love her. But that's just it. It's, you put everything into it. Like, it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. For me, it's usually been a romantic relationship, but that person, they, with they become more important to you than, like, their approval, their happiness, their overall experience of life becomes more important than anything. Anything. Breathing, eating, family, spirituality, everything. You love to do, you put it on hold. You know, you tell your friends, "I'll be here," then you call them three hours late, like, "Hey, yeah, alright, I'm there now." Because it doesn't matter. You will bend the moon. And I know that sounds like, "Well, that's love." It's not healthy love. Especially all it takes is for them not to say "I love you" back, you know? And I was always a very verbal. I, I'm a hopeless romantic. Like, I love candles and baths and dinners, and I write poetry and I frame it. I'm like the hopeless romantic. And if, but sometimes all it takes is, "I'm not saying 'I love you' back," and I mean, you're flatline for the rest of the day until you hear it. You're useless. You can't function. It's, and you're worried. It's like, "What did I do? Why didn't they say it back?" And I, you know, and you'll go 24 hours just in your head, in your head, in your head. "What did I do wrong? What did I do wrong? She hates me. She's leaving me. Okay, well, obviously, I'm a piece of crap." And, and then the second they give you approval again, you're like, "Alright, life is good. Alright, what I needed to keep this approval." And that's, that's where a lot of it's like a favorite human being. I think they call it a favorite person, and it's, it's, it's a lot of whiplash, and it's exhausting. And you really hurt other relationships in your life, and you really put a lot of pressure on that other person. I think I'm much responsibility that puts on you. And even if you don't want it, it's, you, if I call you, you know that if you don't answer, Daniel's gonna call the 32 now. I'm not, and I'm not a stalker, but it, it just puts a lot of pressure on the other person, and they don't deserve it. They didn't do anything to warrant that, and it's not their fault.
Even though you're aware of that right now in the present moment, do you still have problems controlling those impulses?
Yes. Yeah. Impulse. I just, when people is like, "Oh yeah, problems with impulse control." I don't even, even know what impulse control is. I can honestly say that. And 90% of the time, I absolutely love who I am.
There's a stigma with mental illness, especially psychosis. Yeah. Mm-hmm. That an individual can be dangerous to be around. Is that warranted?
I want to say no, but not from. I, I know for me, I'm never like, in any way injured or even thought of injuring or wanted to hurt or even done anything that would be danger to someone else. I haven't. But unfortunately, in reality, some people, that can happen. And that's where again, you have to be aware of who you are, what you're going through, what you need to do to get help so that you're not a danger. Absolutely. You're not. I, I know I can be a danger to myself, but, mmm, I've never had any thoughts like that. You'll, if I'm having a really difficult time and I'm experiencing someone on that, what honestly happens is I'll just end up somewhere pacing only for hours. That was when they had me in the hospitals because apparently I, I driven myself to the hospital to get help. I don't remember that. Sometimes I'll drive to College Station, just walk on the bridges. And that's very odd sounding. Is them apparently that's part of my dangerous behavior when I'm nearing the active phase. I will start doing more things that could potentially harm myself.
What can others do to prevent you from engaging in that dangerous behavior?
A lot of times, I'll text someone really late, friend, and I won't tell them what I'm doing, but I'll just go ahead and tell you right now, if you're getting a text from me in the middle of the night, around 3:00 in the morning, probably because I'm trying to reach out for help without knowing how to outright say them, "I'm doing something really stupid. I'm about to hurt myself."
Does it make a difference? Just knowing somebody cares makes a world of a difference. When somebody who knows you from your personal life sees this for the first time and for the first time understands your struggles, how do you hope they react?
I honestly fear the assumptions. A lot. On the forever seen this way. To know that once they hear certain words or certain labels, I will always be seen that way. I fear losing what little worth I have because I don't have much. And it's embarrassing every time I run into someone I know, you know, someone I knew in high school or something. God, it's embarrassing now. It was really embarrassing because I know I am not who they remember.
After everything you shared today, are you still 100% sure you would like me to publish this interview?
Yes. Why? Because those interviews helped me. And if it's gonna help anyone else, it's absolutely worth it. Because I need them, and we need to know when we are not, we are not isolated and alone in this. And there are, there are groups. There are groups. There are people that want to help and that want to love you and assist you. And sometimes you just got to rip it off, take the jump. I mean, I'm trying to look at it this way. If I'm, if I was, if I am willing and when I'm in my darker thoughts and I'm willing to do something that's going to harm me, I think I should be willing to do something that's going to help me. So if you have those dark thoughts and you've taken steps at times that were unhealthy, then step up and take this ones that are gonna be healthy.
Before we end, I just wanted to share that there was nothing you said today that makes it any less likely I'll be your friend. That decreases my desire to be your friend. And I think it's great you're sharing this, and I think it is the right decision to go and seek treatment. And anything you need, I want to be able to supply to you so that you do get that treatment you need. Reach out anytime.
They hate emotions. No, they're, they're good. It's just sometimes it helps to hear that.
Why does it help to hear that?
Because don't hear it. You don't. People, it's to find someone who means that.
In. Thank you.
You're welcome. You.