Transcription
Hi, welcome to Midwest Magic Cleaning. My name is Get You get on out of here now. You get I said get off my land.
And today I was talking on Discord with a couple of members and I was talking about some things that I'd like to talk about on the the video today, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. And then somebody asked about what lessons I've learned working with people who have hoarding disorder. And it kind of blew my mind because even though I've internalized that, I haven't really dove into it and talked about it. I think it's a really interesting question because there are some really surprising things that I've learned in doing what I do. So, I put together a list of five things that I've learned in working with people who have hoarding disorder.
And the first thing that jumped out to me right off the bat is that they're afraid. It's not just embarrassment. It's not just that they're mortified over people seeing the house in that condition. They are terrified whenever you walk into a house like this. When you're jumping in to help and you're going to be changing things around, it's not just a matter of you throwing away things that they might find valuable. It's that you are changing their environment.
So, imagine you're a moose. If you're a big old stupid moose and you're living in your moose house and it gets really cold one night and instead of turning on the heat or turning it up, it just feels really comfortable to make yourself a blanket burrito, a moose blanket burrito. And so you wrap up in your blanket and you sit on the couch and you watch nothing but me on YouTube because you have something wrong with you. And then all of a sudden after you get super comfortable and super warm, somebody walks over and just yanks the blanket off of you. It's such a shock to the system that it makes you feel almost naked. You're trying to reaclimate to this new environment where you go from being nice and warm and cozy to now you're freezing your moose butt off.
In the case of people with hoarding disorder, it's multiply that by 20,000 because they are kind of using their environment as a security blanket. They're so used to being surrounded by stuff that they've almost gotten an aversion to space. And so whenever you go in and you start changing things around and you're making space open up and you're putting things where they need to go and getting rid of old broken stuff, you're physically changing the environment that they've lived in for years. And that is shocking to just about anyone whether you have hoarding disorder or not. Uh it's a massive, massive system shock. And I think that it is worthwhile if you're ever doing work like this or helping a family member to keep in mind that they are scared.
And it's not just for the environment. It's they're afraid that they might be evicted if the landlord finds out that the house is in this condition. They're afraid of what people are going to think of them and how they'll judge them. They're afraid of what their kids are going to do. Like a lot of times kids don't know that the the house is in this bad of a condition. They're afraid that they can owe monetary damages, that they can be liable for the condition of the house, especially if it's, you know, broken, which often times it is, and often times they are liable for that. There's a lot of things that they're afraid of. Like if somebody were to come in and see that condition and then call adult protective services, they could be taken out of the house and put into care. And it's terrifying for them for somebody to finally come in at the peak of rock bottom and then start doing their thing. Like, how can you trust this stranger who's going to come in who has no connection to you and has no reason to not turn you in? I think that if I were in that same position, I would be absolutely terrified. And I think that anybody who's helping them out should keep that in mind because it's it humanizes them to know that they're going through what they're going through.
Number four would be compromise and patience are the best tools in your arsenal. So in in a lot of cases, I've been in houses where they've been like, "Look, I've lived this way for 40 years and I'm just fine. I've never died. I've never had a heart attack. So it's not that dangerous." And that's kind of the problem. They don't see danger or damage in a lot of cases. And I would say that in 50% of the cases that I've worked with, there have been people in the household who are on oxygen. Even if they're not on oxygen, I would say that in 90% of the cases, there is an overload of cold medicine and inhalers. There's definitely a problem going on with uh respiratory issues and with feeling like they're constantly sick and they constantly have a cold. It's just that they don't notice it because they're used to it.
In most of those cases that I've worked in, there is a very obvious thing to me that's not obvious to them. I can smell the ammonia in their house. Aerosol ammonia. And that comes from things like mouse droppings. Um droppings from squirrels, raccoons, possums that get into their attic, rats. Um there's dogs that just go right on the floor in way more cases than you'd think. It's really common with people with hoarding disorder where the dogs just go on the floor. the the cats that are in the house had not had their litter changed in so long that they've stopped going in the box and then they start going under beds and behind couches and all of that decays and turns directly into ammonia. Ammonia is one of the worst things you can put in your lungs. It basically andhydrous ammonia will liquefy your lungs. It will attach to the water molecules of anything and and just disintegrate your lungs.
So, in a lot of cases, there are people who can just go into full-blown COPD even if they haven't smoked or they've quit smoking or they don't vape or anything. It's just that the air around them has become toxic and they don't notice it. On top of that, they've never changed their air filter or they haven't changed it in a year or two. So, when I pull those out of the furnace, they're so thick that you can scoop out the dirt, like a half inch of dirt and dust. And since that's no longer working to filter out air because it's clogged, all the dust that would normally be filtered out of the duct system and and out of the air is now going into their lungs. And that is another irritant that can cause COPD. So even though they think that they're healthy and they're not sick, in in many realities they're not. They're not healthy. They are sick. A lot of the times when they think they have a cold, it's it's actually just allergies to the toxic environment that they're living in.
On a similar note, they can't understand when something is broken. They can't get past the value of an item, even if it's broken. So, for instance, I was working in a house one time that had a crockpot that was not only cracked down the side, but it was filled with maggots. I won't go into detail about how many or Yeah, it's it was bad. It was really gross. I got a strong stomach and I had a hard time with that one. I put that outside before I got the dumpster because I didn't want it inside the house at all. And the woman was her mind was blown that I couldn't save that crockpot. like can't it just be washed and and used? In her mind, she had paid $40 for that crockpot years ago. And even though it was no longer functioning, it was and it was cracked and it had all that nastiness on it, in her mind, it was still worth the money that she paid for it 10 years ago. And so she couldn't see the damage. It's the same thing with um clothing that has black mold embedded in it. They think it can just be washed and reused, but at a certain point, there's no saving those things. Not to mention, they've been there so long that mold was able to grow on it. That doesn't happen overnight. It's taken a long time to build up to that. And so, they haven't used it until it's ready to be thrown away. Then all of a sudden, there becomes a potential attached to that item. I can still wear that shirt. I can wash that and save it. Well, you haven't worn it in years. Anyway, I've talked about all this before, so I won't get deep into that, but the the main point is that they're unable to see the damage and unable to uh relent and say that this thing is no longer useful. It is extremely important that you remember that because you're not dealing with somebody who operates on regular everyday average person logic. You're dealing with somebody whose logic system is based in mental illness. That can be extremely frustrating because pushing back on them and really writing the issue, especially in a negative or an aggressive way, only causes them to dig their heels in more and then the push back actually makes the situation worse. So, it's extremely frustrating to deal with that. But you always have to keep that in mind.
So, on that note, the lesson is about compromise and patience. patience being the number one thing that you can do is to understand they're going through a lot and that they're not the just your average person who would have not that much trouble throwing things away, right? So, it's attached to them in their brain so powerfully that to them it's like throwing away one of their pets or one of their children even though you see it as a piece of junk and it's useless. compromise in those situations is really important because there are going to be some things that, for instance, a piece of cookware that's covered in roach poop. Your instinct to be like, look, you've got 10 bowls, they're all covered in roach poop. Let's get rid of five of these. But they are correct in saying that, well, we can wash those. We can sanitize them and they're still useful. That is a thing we can do. your instinct is to throw them away and you would be correct in wanting to get rid of them, especially since there's an overabundance. But you kind of have to pick and choose your battles because if you allow them to have this one thing that they're fighting to keep, then you create a position of authority on throwing away something else. So, you put yourself in a more of a uh your your compromise that you just made with them allows you a little bit more wiggle room when you come to something that is dangerous and is something that can't really be saved and say, "Well, we kept the bulls, so maybe now it's time that we get rid of some of this other stuff because we have to get rid of something." and you can give yourself a little bit more leverage in that area.
Before we get to number three, which easily could be number one on this list, it's just I wanted to get to it in the meaty part of the video. I wanted to thank today's sponsor, which is me. All me, baby. That for real. Actually, we just opened up midwestmagiccleaning.com. And all the things that you see me using on my videos in the cleanings, all the professional rags and that type of stuff, we sell it all. That way you know that whenever you buy from us, you're buying the things that I personally use. So check us out on midwestmagiccleaning.com. And there's also some fun merchandise and stuff on there. And that's one of the best ways you can support us. So suck it.
Number three, like I mentioned a second ago, [music] could easily be number one. And that is kind of an odd surprising thought. binary perceptions of the people you're working with are harmful to not only them but to you. So, let me give you an example of that. I have had several houses that I have cleaned and spent a week, maybe two weeks on. There's been some that I've spent up to a month on. And during that process, the person is extremely appreciative 99% of the time. But then in one instance they get angry because you've thrown away something they didn't want to throw away or they feel like you haven't done enough in one area. It just didn't meet their expectations or whatever it is. If I were to tell that story to other people and I have told a few of these stories on here on the channel. The people who watch those videos one they kind of want to protect me because they're they're fans of what we do here. Um and I I get that. But it's really easy to take that person at their worst moment during one of the worst parts of their lives in one of the most stressful environmental changes they'll ever go through and when they slip or they get angry or frustrated or overwhelmed and they say something that doesn't show appreciation, in fact shows kind of the opposite, it's easy to then label them as entitled or unappreciative. even though the the rest of the 99% of the time they are overjoyed with the fact that we're doing this and they're so thankful and they keep thanking us over and over and over again.
I think that's a dangerous precedent to set in your mind where you take somebody at one of their weakest moments and then label them as being that weak moment. Everybody's gone through this at some point. And I think that it's really, really important that you not fixate on those weak moments. You get through it. You may even want to talk about it. They may even apologize for it. Or maybe they don't. Maybe they they harbor that one mentally stifling moment. But I think that concentrating on the other 99% of their appreciation does more for you and more for them than you can imagine. If you walk away thinking of that one thing that they did wrong or that one moment where they made you feel like um they were taking advantage of you in some way, then you're going to not only hate what you're doing, but you're going to resent the people who needed help in the first place. Even though you know for a fact they have a mental illness, you cannot expect them to be in a perfectly appreciation type of a mood and doing back flips and thanking you profusely. I think it's dangerous for anybody to label somebody at their worst. Always remember that during this process they're going to go through both ups and downs. They are in a situation where again their environment is being changed but also they're they're embarrassed. They're afraid like we talked about in the the first entry in this list. They're terrified and they are uh bouncing back and forth between those negative emotions and the really up emotions and that journey between the ups and downs can be mentally exhausting. You would think that the the ups would kind of reset you into a nice stable mood, but it doesn't. It's a roller coaster of ups and downs that affects anyone. Even if you don't have hoarding disorder, if I were to come into your house and rearrange all your furniture and hang pictures in different places and take your silverware out of the drawer it's in now and put it in another drawer. If I start changing that environment like that, you're going to have ups and downs. You may be appreciative of it. My way may be more logical and actually function better than the way you had it. But at some point, you're going to look at it and go, "Can you stop moving my stuff around?" like it's going to take me forever to remember where everything's at. And I can't define you by that frustration. That's not who you are. It's a thing that happened.
And this one just blows my mind still to this day. I I still haven't gotten past this in a lot of places that we help. Their value system is often way different than your value system. So, some examples of that, in fact, here's a really good example I saw on another channel. There's a channel called A Beautiful Mess and Bonnie is the one who runs that. She and her mom went to help an old lady who has hoarding disorder. And while they were cleaning out a garage, they had found something that was brand new in a box still. And they were getting ready to say, you know, where do you want us to put this? But the woman looked at it for a second, was like, oh, you can just throw that away. Brand new. Had never been opened. But then they found like a bowl, some plastic bowl that was bought at Dollar General. And even though the woman had 8.6 billion bowls, she desperately needed to keep that. And the way Bonnie explained it, which I found was really interesting, is that the bowls were bought by the elderly woman herself. So, she had a connection to it. She purchased it with her own money, picked it up with her own hands, and she bought that for herself, even though she's got a ton of them. The thing that was still new in the box was new and in the box for a reason. It was bought for her. She didn't really want it. Didn't really have a use for it. It still had monetary value, but because she didn't personally buy it, she didn't have that connection with it. And that's really important with hoarding disorder because that connection is a huge part of the disorder. So, she was just like, "Ah, you can just give that away or throw it away." And it kind of blew Bonnie's mind.
I run into that a lot where I'll find lawn equipment that's brand new. Like, even if they don't use it, they could sell it for a hundred bucks on Facebook Marketplace, like a brand new weed eater. They don't care about that thing. You could find a pasta strainer that's under a mountain of garbage and covered in mouse poop, and you'll pick it up and get ready to throw it away, and they'll say, "Oh, no, no, no. Save that. I can use that. Uh we could wash it up, put it with my other 27 pasta strainers in my pasta strainer room that they have devoted to pasta strainers. That can be really frustrating because you can't convince them that they have too many to begin with. You can't convince them that the one you just picked up is uh not worth keeping because it's toxic or it's just old and damaged and gross. and they will survive just fine with what they have in the other room. Meanwhile, you're like, "Man, this is a 55 in TV. It's been used twice." Like, I could easily put that in any one of my rooms, clean it up, and then watch videos of myself wrestling strangers at the grocery store, which is how that's my hobby. Don't judge me. But it's it's just kind of this weird disconnect that you run into a lot.
I cleaned up for a woman who had just a mountain of craft supplies that she had not used ever. Um, she's had them for probably 10 years. A lot of them had mouse poop embedded in like the balls of yarn and she also had thousands of photographs and she wanted to save a whole bunch of them. But every time I'd show her one that was that seemed special to me, she couldn't care less. And it kind of blew my mind because one of those pictures was a wedding photo from the Civil War era. And when she saw it, it it had the same value as a piece of scrap paper to her. She did not care. But to me, it was like, man, how long's that been in your family? It's I mean, it was it had her last name on it. So, it had been passed down from generation to generation. And for whatever reason, that value did not line up with my value. So, you always have to be aware that the things you assume are going to go in the trash sometimes may be defended to the death. And sometimes the things that you think, "Oh, we finally found something valuable." Means absolutely nothing to them. And your value system in this particular situation means nothing outside of getting rid of things that are toxic. When it comes to keeping or throwing away things from the house, their value system trumps yours.
But the number one thing that I've learned in helping people with hoarding disorder, and this is a little bit sad, but your empathy must come with boundaries. When I first started this, I had a problem where I would dive into a house and I would say, "All right, let's clean all this up." And then as we're going, I noticed that the sink was broken. So, I could either fix it or I could call in a plumber and pay for it. I could um replace things. And I have done that a lot. I've replaced entire kitchen sets of dishes and pots and pans. And I've paid for people's rent and their uh delinquent phone bills and their electric bills, trash bills. I've replaced all their food. I have on two different occasions spent upwards of $6,000 to help a person out because they're in such a hole there's no way for them to dig themselves out. not without years and years of saving and cognitive behavioral therapy. I had to hit a point where I would not only cut myself off from them after the job was done personally, but I had to set a limit on what I could do inside their house physically to say your job is to clean and organize and get rid of some trash and free them up. But their life is their own after this. It is in their hands. You cannot stick around for the next two months and fix holes in walls and make sure their plumbing is all good and and pay for a brand new furnace and I you can't do that. But there's a big part of me that feels guilty about it or at least I used to and say you can't just leave them like this after after you've done the cleaning and knowing that they're living in these conditions without heat or without water and they haven't used their shower in 2 and 1 half to 5 years. uh you want to fix all that and it's natural to be empathetic to the point where uh it harms you uh it it harms you mentally and there's always more that you could be doing on a house.
So that's what comes from me and it's what comes from people like Bonnie from a beautiful mess and Barbie from Clean with Barbie. Um, all the big cleaning channels. I know Ari Katarina's gone through this as well. She finally had to say, "No, I can't buy a new mattress for every single house that I clean because at some point I'm going to run out of money or at some point who do I decide who gets it versus who doesn't get it and where do I where do I stop?" But on top of that, there's an empathy that you have to surround with boundaries because of the way the people act. So, for instance, there have been times where I've been yelled at because I cleaned a house and did what I was supposed to do or what I promised I would do and then um I didn't go back to do more. And there have been times where I've been cussed out uh because I've thrown away pieces of clothing or um at one in particular where I thrown away two dining room chairs that were cloth but were so saturated in black mold that there was no restoring them. and I can't justify leaving those in the house because they are toxic. And so I I just I had to get rid of them. And then I was called every name under the sun. Uh even though I would be willing to pay for a new dining room chair set or I'd be willing to take them out shopping and get new clothes. It is maddening sometimes and it can make me really frustrated and at times it can make me extremely angry. And there are times where um I've been so angry I secondguessed even continuing doing this. But fortunately for me in my own head and and not having anything to do with the people I'm helping, I like doing this. I'm autistic. I like to take a place that is in chaos and turn it into organization. I like to take things that are um hopeless and make them beautiful. And that's what I like doing personally. So, I'm not doing this out of a sense of altruism. I'm doing this to keep my own mind at peace. When my mind is not at peace and I am not setting boundaries around my empathy, that's when it can be harmful to me. And it's not helping anybody at that point. You're just being taken advantage of.
Very few times does that happen. I will tell you that in almost every case, 90% to 95% of the cases, people are appreciative. They know the boundaries. Um, they even tell me, "Oh, you're doing way too much. Like, you need to to to not go out of your way to buy me a new toaster or a new microwave because my old one is bad." And they they kind of feel bad that I'm giving them this extra stuff. So, they're the most people are not taking advantage of me. But on the 5% where it does happen, those boundaries are extraordinarily important. And I'm not even just talking about financial issues. I'm talking about being a able able to protect myself emotionally when well here's a good example. In almost every case that I've ever done, the person who is in the house has a a hard time taking accountability and admitting that there's a problem. Uh they will often tell you things like, "If you would have walked in this house a year ago, it was immaculate. It looked like a museum." But I know that's not true because I've done hundreds of these houses. And when I'm going through their stuff, I'm finding documents on the floor that are stuck to the floor with, you know, dog poop and dog pee and the documents date is 5 years ago. Or I'm looking through their pantry and there's food that's been outdated by 10 years past its expiration date. There are hundreds of clues in a house that let you know how long it's been in this condition. even the consistency of spills and stains on the floor. You can even judge how long it's been there by that when you've done enough of these.
So, knowing that they're just protecting their feelings and not wanting to get blamed for this is one thing, but often times they'll blame other people for it and other circumstances for it. So, it really makes me mad when they blame their kids. This house was immaculate until my kids um wouldn't help me with the house. And um you know, my daughter broke her leg and she had to stay here for a year while they put pins in it and then it healed. And because she was in that condition, that's why my house did what it did. I will talk to the people in in their families. And again, this is not singling out anyone. I've heard this over and over and over again. It's frustrating uh to know that they they are so afraid of the accountability and so afraid of being blamed that they will just throw their kids under the bus. [clears throat] And it's not just their kids. They will say that there's other circumstances that were out of their control that led to this. But I know what hoarding disorder looks like. I understand the affliction uh or the disorder. I understand how it gets that way. and I understand the mental chaos, the mental hell that they go through. And so I have to keep that in mind. But again, I have to put that boundary around my empathy so that I can deflect those sorts of excuses. Um, and that that method that they use that's it's a self-defense mechanism so that they can avoid accountability and blame. Um, I won't ever give into that. However, and that's a part of the boundary that's around my empathy is that I don't give in to that and say, "No, I totally agree. Your I can't believe your kids did this to you." I won't feed into it. So, it's difficult. It takes a lot of practice. You're never going to be able to walk into a family member's house and do this one time and understand everything that I've learned. It takes maybe dozens of houses before it starts to click and go, "Oh, lord." like we're dealing with something that's much bigger than what I'm able to provide.
Anyway, uh midwestmagiccleaning.com. I will link it in the description of this video. It's also linked in my profile. And uh for those of you when I I mentioned that we have members that I talk to on Discord. That's a membership system we have here. That's a paid membership. There's three tiers to that. You can look into it. There's there should be a join button somewhere. Uh, but all three tiers get access to Discord, and that's where you'll find me hanging out quite a bit. Not only in text form, just talking to people in the chat rooms, but in video form, where a bunch of us get on there, we turn on our cameras or videos, or some people just hang out and chill and watch the rest of us talk. But it's nice because I can talk with you rather than at you, you know? It's it's it's nice. Anyway, uh, if you can't afford that, please don't do it. It's don't buy stuff you don't need. I'm perfectly happy with you guys being a part of the channel. That said, please hit subscribe. We're on the uh final sprint to a million subscribers. We're way over 800,000 at this point. Once we get a million, I get my gold plaque, and that's all I've ever wanted in return for the channel. Thanks for hanging out. Uh members, I'll see you all this Wednesday, or not this Wednesday, cuz that's Christmas Eve. it. Um, everybody else, I'll see you next uh weekend. Later.