Transcription
Welcome one and all, in here, out there, around the world, to the Late Show. I'm your host, Steven Colbear.
Ladies and gentlemen, my friends, Romans, countrymen, in in in in the ongoing lowering of our national limbo bar, I got to say, Donald Trump has proven himself surprisingly limber for a man with those cankles. Because in just the last 24 hours alone, he's achieved two new lows.
First, first, you know, you know how Donald Trump has always sued everyone and everything at all times everywhere. Well, some of those claims were against the Department of Justice, who during the Biden administration and before, made the fatal mistake of doing their jobs. And his claims, he got a bunch of claims. Some of his claims are over investigations into his Russia ties and and the seizure of hundreds of classified documents from Mar-a-Lago's highly secure guest bathroom. Okay, he didn't like that. He got really mad. So, okay.
Now, of course, after he became president, all the cases against him were dropped. But that's not enough. The man wants his money. Don't make him put his rings on. Specifically, Trump wants the DOJ to pay him $230 million, which from the sound of this audience is obviously ridiculous. But since he won the election, technically as president, he could now, in effect, order the government to pay him.
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Well, that doesn't seem right. I mean, if you're going to do that, why stop at 230 million? Why not just let him go to Fort Knox, lose the pants, and go Shrooge McDuck into a pile of gold? Just, just like that.
Now, now, if you're saying a judge would never allow that, oh, you sweet, stupid child. This don't go before no judge. They're administrative claims, which would be settled by senior officials in the Department of Justice, who are all appointed by Trump, some of whom actually defended him in these cases that he's suing the Department of Justice over. His own lawyers decide whether he wins. It's like that classic drama, 12 angry men who were all at my bachelor party.
Even, I mean, this is so crazy. Even Trump is aware of how insane the situation is. Last week. This was just last week, right? Referring to the initial lawsuits that he filed, uh, back before he was president, he said this.
>> I have a lawsuit that was doing very well. And when when I became president, I said, I'm sort of suing myself. I don't know what he has to settle the lawsuit. I'll say, give me X dollars, right? And I don't know what to do with the lawsuit. It's a great lawsuit. And now I won. It sort of looks bad. I'm suing myself, right?
>> Yeah. Yeah. It looks, it looks bad. You sue you, and you get to decide which one of you's wins. I'm guessing you do. That's some kind of like endless, endless loop of corruption. Like a, like a Mobius grift. It's, uh, I think they call it the circle of jerk. Come on now. Call it what they call it.
And keep in mind, he may say he's suing himself, but he's not cutting the check. The $230 million would ultimately come from taxpayers.
>> So, everyone but him.
Many experts have pointed out, many, many experts have pointed out that the situation has no parallel in American history. Really? Why, that's shocking. You would expect more traditional behavior from President King, fighter pilot, AI diarrhea. I mean, there have to be, there have to be standards. We have to live by our heritage.
Now, you're probably thinking, Steve, there must be some kind of roadblock here. Some sort of Justice Department ethics advisor. Well, you'd be right if you had a time machine. Cuz back in July, Pam Bondi fired the AG's top ethics advisor. Was that ethical? We'll never know.
Now, the president, the, I think the president, this is that he's not dumb, you know, in terms of political instincts. The president might actually realize that this don't look great to the taxpayers. So, he floated this idea.
As far as, uh, all of the litigation and everything that's going involved. Yeah, they probably owe me a lot of money. But if I get money from, uh, our country, I'll do something nice with it, like, uh, give it to charity.
>> Yes. Yes, he might. He might give it to charity. Uh, she's a centerfold. He banged back in 2006. He's still, he's still paying out. I'll tell you one charity he can't give it to: the Donald J. Trump Foundation, because that was dissolved by a court order in 2018 due to a shocking pattern of illegality.
Yes. What tipped off the authorities back then was his revolutionary take-a-wish program. He would find out what the kids wanted. He'd go like, "I'll take that. I would love to have Robert Downey Jr. dress up as Iron Man and tuck me into bed tonight. Thanks for the idea, kid. I'll take the balloons, too."
Trump also floated the idea of using the $230 mil for his remodel the White House fund, which brings me to new low number two.
Number two. This afternoon, we learned that to make room for his stupid giant ballroom, Donald Trump has approved the demolition of the entire East Wing of the White House. Yeah.
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Yeah. Now, I understand this is, this is not the first wing he's destroyed, but it's the first one that wasn't covered in buffalo sauce. And this one is truly heartbreaking. We have a photo to show you, but I'll show you later because I want you to laugh at some of these jokes. He is literally erasing U.S. history, a feat previously achieved only by the Florida school board. And he's moving fast, and and and he's moving really fast. The East Wing is already halfway gone.
>> That is horrible. I thought it couldn't get any worse than his first term when he gave the Washington Monument truck nuts.
And just remember, when Trump first announced his plans for the ballroom, he pledged that the East Wing wouldn't be touched by the construction. Now, to be fair, I would not describe that photo as touched. More like stabbed and thrown down an elevator shaft by construction. The worst part of this is all of it, especially the fact that they consulted no one before doing it.
Now, normally, when you alter any federal building, you must first present the plans. But according to an administration official, construction plans have not been submitted to the National Capital Planning Commission, but will be soon. Soon? You've already torn it down.
Hey, Dad. Hey, Dad. Yeah, sorry to call so late, but, um, I have some bad news about your car. Before I get into all that, um, can I borrow your car?
But the White House claims, thank you. I can still play a teenager. I can still play a teenager. But the White House claim, White House claims everything's fine because while the commission oversees construction, it does not have jurisdiction over demolition work. That's, that's just performative confusion. The instructions said I should cook the chicken to 165 degrees. It didn't say I couldn't commit arson.
You may have noticed that recently the president's been campaigning super hard for, uh, the Nobel Peace Prize, but the Nobel folks won't do it, no matter how many American cities he invades. Well, we just got an update. Was this just today? Did we find out today? We got it today. Today. Hello. We just got an update because Donald Trump has finally won the peace prize, or a peace prize, because yesterday he was given the definitely heard of it before, Richard Nixon Architect of Peace Award. Ooh, so close.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am, I am honored to accept this Oscar Meyer Weiner hot dog. The award is given by the Nixon Foundation. Previous honorees include Henry Kissinger, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Kissinger a second time, George W. Bush, as well as former Secretaries of State Jigsaw, Gargamel, and that spot on the inside of your cheek you keep biting. Pretty bold choice.
>> Pretty bold.
Hello. I a.
>> Pretty bold choice to give a peace prize to Kissinger, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Bush. That's like giving a Latin Grammy to Kissinger, Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Bush.
Speaking of, and stay down, >> stay down, man. >> stay down, man. Speaking, speaking of peace, Trump's war on immigrants continues with his ICE squads terrorizing communities all over the country. And he wants more of these squads. But there's a little problem. The application includes a fitness test. And more than a third of applicants have failed the test so far.
>> Well, maybe they should use that to motivate the recruits. All right, cadets. Look to your left. Now, look to your right. Now, take a break. You guys must be exhausted.
To pass the ICE fitness test, participants must do 15 push-ups, 32 sit-ups, and run 1.5 miles in 14 minutes. Well, there's a hot tip for immigrants: learn to run 1.6 miles, and ICE can never catch you.
It's gotten, it's gotten so bad that one ICE official referred to the new recruits as "athletically allergic." You laugh, but that, that's a real thing. I'm allergic to athletic. That's why I always carry my epigarlic breadstick. Ooh. Oo, I feel an attack coming on. Much better.
Now to, now to safely dispose. We got a great show for you tonight. My guests are Emma Stone and Alex Wagner. Sit out. Sit out. Come back. Would you pass?
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Right now. Sit down. Heat. Heat.
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