Transcription
[music] I've been dating this lady for [music] about 6 months and I got to know her while I was going through my divorce and I was always very upfront that I [music] wasn't ready to commit to more things. Is it the right thing to break it up?
>> No pun intended, but you're divorcing yourself from the fact that this lady likes you. And I think the question you have to ask yourself is, [music] "What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking your calls here in Nashville, Tennessee from people all over the planet. Real people going through real challenges in their life, dealing with their mental and emotional health, their relationships, tragedies, tough stuff. Whatever you got going on in your life, I'm committed to sitting with you and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. Let's go out to San Jose, California, and talk to Phil. What's up, Phil?
>> Hey, doc. Uh, can I just say that this is great. Thank you very much for having my call. I've been listening to your program for about a year. It's great.
>> Well, dude, I'm I'm grateful you've been listening and I'm extra grateful that you called in, brother. I appreciate it, man. What's up?
>> Uh, so let's just get into it. So, I've been dating this lady for about exclusively for six months. And I got to know her about 18 months ago while was going through the process of my divorce. And I've been divorced since uh August last year. And uh basically what's happening is since we got exclusive, I thought that the right questions to make were okay, so what what do you expect out of this? Right? Do you want to get married? do you want to have kids and how that's going to go? And I was always very upfront and uh sincere that I wasn't ready to commit to more things. And now the the the the questions keep on surfacing and we we talked on a weekly uh almost weekly basis about this of if what she wants because she wants to have kids, wants to get married and she doesn't want to have it now. She but she wants a commitment for me like oh am I going to be on the long road and I'm I don't think I'm ready for that. And is it the right thing to break it up since uh she wants more and I can't give her?
>> I'm smiling dude cuz she wants her some fuel. Dude. [laughter]
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
>> You're like oh yeah. Um I So are you asking me if if because right now a year of getting to after a year of getting to know somebody, six months in, she wants almost you're like like a a letter of intent, right? Like you're not going to buy the house now, but I want you to go ahead and sign this paper that says one day you're going to buy this house, right?
>> Um should you go ahead and just call it off?
>> Is that what you're asking?
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's basically it. because uh but at this age, right, I'm 35, she's 34. And of course, uh it's nothing catastrophic, but let's say if she really wants to have kids, it's a great time to prepare, right? Even if we're not going to have kids right now in the next year or two, but if I'm not certain about this and I already have a kid, right? My boy is great, 11 years old, we have great relationship and all that, but I'm not ready, right? Even so, if she wants to see opportunities, the other people that are actually on board and would be ready to go, right? So to say, even more time, you're you're delineating this into a series of like you're, no pun intended, but you're divorcing yourself from the fact that this lady likes you.
>> Yes.
>> And so you're it don't make it about this kid thing and this preparation thing. I mean, those are part of it, but I think she likes you.
>> Yes, she does.
>> And she would commit. She would jump off the high dive with you and say, "I'll spend the rest of my life with you." And so, yes, she could go check out other options, right? She could go window shopping um or swipe writing for other people who might fit like a commitment profile. But I don't want to blow past the p the fact that she likes you. Okay.
>> And I think the question you have to ask yourself is, do you want to break up with her?
>> And I wouldn't if you love hanging out with her.
>> You've developed a great relationship with her. She's You think she's great and wonderful. You're just not in a place where I I can say I I got a kid already where if I want to get married again, if I want to have kids again, all that kind of stuff, that's okay. But that's going to be her relationship to terminate. If you are finding out, and tell me if I'm wrong here, if you're finding out that there's a core disagreement, and her way of handling that disagreement is bringing it up in long drawn out conversations every week, and you're beginning to ask yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life with somebody who this is how they handle disagreements? Then be honest about that.
>> But if if you're saying, "I love hanging out with you. you're the best.
>> I am not going to give you this commitment right now. It's not the it's not the stage of life I am in.
>> Then she gets to decide whether she wants to be with you or not. But I I don't want you to like think I need to break up with her cuz I'm going to do her a favor. As long as you're being honest and keeping everything above board and on the table. You get what I'm saying?
>> Yeah. But but if you've met a wonderful person,
>> she was great to talk with as you were going through like the the business transaction part of a divorce, which is always awful.
>> Yeah.
>> And then now y'all have gotten romantically interested in each other and she's been a great person to hang out with for the last 6 months, but you're recognizing I I'm not going to marry this person.
>> Like I I then have the courage to say don't blame it on the value thing or I can't make this commitment. say, "Man, we've had a great year together, and I'm going to go ahead and call it." You get what you get. Is that make sense what I'm saying?
>> Yeah, that makes sense. It's uh Yeah, it's just because on all this process, right, I've been outsourcing my sanity to other people, right? Because just divorce was all that weird stuff that goes through.
>> And I've I've talked to my sister where she on my same the same age as me, and she said, you know, just don't uh waste her time, right? because it's a precious time for her.
>> Yeah, but that's reallying my head.
>> That's disempowering her.
>> Mhm.
>> You're wasting her time if you're lying to her.
>> I see.
>> You're wasting her time if you're making promises that you know you're not going to keep.
>> You're not wasting her time if you're telling the truth.
>> If I if I would say her to her, right, oh, I really want to marry you and I want to have kids, so in two, three years we'll figure this out. That would be a lie, right? And then that would be uh me wasting her time. Is that correct?
>> That's I that's the way I that's the way I see it and read it.
>> I see.
>> She gets to be an adult. And I I think it's unfair or it's um it's very disempowering for you to think I am going to decide what's best for you. And so I'm gonna go ahead and blow up both of our lives
>> because I think um I don't want you to I'm gonna take your grown-up decisions away from you and I'm going to make them for you.
>> Understood.
>> Right. I it she gets to be a grown-up and decide, do I love Phil and do I am I willing to put the time in with Phil knowing he's being very honest with me
>> that he there's a there's a great chance he doesn't want to have any more kids. There's a great chance he's not going to want to get married anytime soon. Mhm.
>> And you have to ask yourself, is she pretty wonderful and amazing and in two years if she's moved on with her life and the smoke is cleared and I am ready to um get put both feet back in the boat with one person,
>> am I going to kick myself for not having married her?
>> I see.
>> And that's that's that's the dance of meeting somebody new, right? That's why it's so like ah and chaotic and fun and scary and exciting. It's all those things all at once. Mhm.
>> Can you look yourself in the mirror and say I'm 100% honest with her?
>> Yeah. Yeah. I've I've been overly honest. Uh I I took myself upon that. I wouldn't let anything unstead anymore because during my my relationship, right, when I was married, I left a lot of things unsaid. Just oh things are going to get better eventually, right? Something like that. So a lot of things went unaided. So I took upon me that going forward uh in these especially in a relationship in an interimate relationship I won't let anything go by without saying all the all the words right like you explained right we I have to draw it so it's not only words right that we have the same image in head
>> on on our on our mind
>> I love it okay let let me um let me go one step further
>> I I'm I'm this is what's popping into my mind here but it's that that scene in Dumb and Dumber when he's like,
>> "So, do we have a chance together? Like one in a thousand?" And she's like, "More like one in a million." And he smiles and he's like, "So, you're telling me there's a chance, right?"
>> Yeah.
>> It may be, if you're being honest, like you're laying it all out on the table.
>> Yeah.
>> And you're saying things like, "I don't know." Or, "Maybe in two years." Mhm.
>> And you can see this person in front of you hearing that as so you're telling me there's a chance the next level and this is a this is a personal conviction of mine that when you are in a relationship with anybody whether you're boss employee um friend or friend or and or especially romantic relationships it's my job
>> to learn to speak in a language that you can hear.
>> Yeah. And so if you are getting that sense, you spent a year with this person, you you've gotten connected to this person. If you can see she's not hearing the words that you're saying,
>> my challenge to you would be go one level deeper, which might look like, here's the deal. I cannot make promises or predictions for how I'm going to feel in a year, a year from now. I'm going to ask that we don't have the marriage or kid conversation for 6 months.
>> I don't want to have that conversation again. And that would be speaking in a language that says, "Oh, I'm not telling you there's a chance." And I'm I'm telling you right now, I don't want to continue in this pattern because we're starting to get into this dance where you have a conversation, I try to be honest with you, I get overly honest with you, and then I say, "Well, maybe." And now she's back to So, tell me there's a chance. And now we're just dancing. We're just in the same rhythm.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> And so, somebody's got to break the dance.
>> Yeah. Because uh it's just she she went through also a traumatic divorce and all that. Let's not get into that. She doesn't have a track record of taking the best decisions for herself. That's why it's always
>> been on my mind.
>> Not your job.
>> Yeah.
>> Your job is to love well, to be completely honest, and to speak in a language that she can hear.
>> It's her job to go get therapy. It's her job to you. Your job to treat her with dignity and respect and honor all the time.
>> It's her job to heal from her divorce. It's her job to if she struggles with making good decisions and with romantic partners to go dig into why that's happening.
>> But you can't help it if you are completely honest. You put everything on the table and she refuses to hear it. Because then you're going to end up saying, "I don't want to be with you in a romantic relationship." Not because one day you want to have kids and I might not want to have kids,
>> but because we're not compat like we're not able to speak to each other in a way that we can we can both hear each other.
>> I think that makes a lot of sense. Do
>> are you in? Are you out?
>> That is the that is the point, right?
>> Let me challenge you here. If you're going to break up with her,
>> have the courage to break up with her because you no longer want to be in a romantic relationship with her.
>> Mhm.
>> Not because you're trying to pseudo noobly protect her from herself.
>> Understood.
>> Fair.
>> That is fair. I think it's a it's a clear path forward.
>> Cool. Um but yeah. Yeah. That's uh
>> if I can say this, dude, I I I'm I'm honored to know a man who learned from his previous relationship and is committed to hanging in there and not hanging in there, to making significant changes moving forward. Like, I'm going to always tell the truth. I'm going to always put things on the table. I'm going to have hard conversations. That's awesome. That means you you grew and you learned from your last one. And that's that's amazing. And it's tough when we fall in love with somebody who we like being with and they want more from us than we want to give or that we are able to give at this time. And it looks like the only problem in front of us is a calendar issue. I promise you that's not the biggest challenge. The biggest challenge is how y'all are trying to process this thing. But good on you, man. the the best you can do is treat her with honesty and dignity and respect and to let her be a grown-up and make grown-up decisions, too. Thanks for the call, my brother. We come back, we talk to a woman who is coming to terms with being pregnant yet again. The holiday season is here and it's my favorite time of the year. With everything going on, I want you to ask yourself, who on your list deserves a gift that can help them relax this holiday season and beyond? I want you to get them Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets. These sheets keep you cozy without overheating you, and they help you sleep several degrees cooler. Perfect for winter nights and for waking up feeling refreshed. Cozy Earth has something else that's amazing. The bubble cuddle blanket. Yes, it's amazing. This thing is like a giant teddy bear. It's great for family movie night or for cuddling by the fire. Cozy Earth sheets and blankets are more than gifts. They're a way to help your loved ones get deep sleep, get recharged, and feel great. And as always, Cozy Earth products come with a 100 night sleep trial. Try them out and if you don't love them, you can return them hassle-free. I am telling you, you will never want to return Cozyearth sheets. Head to cozyear.com and use code deloney for up to 40% off. Just be sure to place your order by December 12th for guaranteed delivery by Christmas. That's cozyearth.com/deloney. Use code Deloney. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. The holidays are here and they are a time of traditions. Some of them great, some of them not so great. And the holidays can be a busy, stressful, and for many of us even a lonely season. And that's why it's a great time to reflect on what some of those traditions really mean to us, the good ones and the tough ones. And if you find yourself in a tough season, therapy can give you space to create new traditions. And most importantly, take time to heal for yourself. To do that, I recommend BetterHelp. With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world, and they've served over five million people globally with an average rating of 4.9 out of five stars. Plus, BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule. You can even step out of your in-laws house and get with BetterHelp in the garage. To get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change therapists at any time for no extra cost. This month, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp hp.com/deloney. All right, let's go out to Kansas City, Missouri, and talk to K. What's up, K?
>> Uh, not much, Dr. John. How are you?
>> I'm doing good. Um, okay. So, I have on my call sheet sheet here the notes says, um, talking to a woman who's coming to terms with being pregnant again. And we we had an exchange earlier where we tried to start the call and stop the call and there were kids in the background. So, I imagine that's what this call's about, huh? You got a lot going on, huh?
>> Always, always,
>> always. [laughter] Man, I'm so glad that you called, man. I'm so glad. All right, tell me about it.
>> So, yes. So, just a little a little background. Um, my husband and I have three beautiful little boys. Um, and at the beginning of September, I found out that we are expecting number four. Um, and I actually when I had originally wrote in, I hadn't told my husband yet, but I just told my husband a couple days ago.
>> How'd that go?
>> Um, it went great. He loves babies, and you know, the more the marrier for him. [laughter] So, um, my my main question is how how do I come to terms with having another baby, which of course is a blessing, but I did not feel ready and I don't feel ready or confident right now. I just feel overwhelmed.
>> Yeah. [laughter]
>> I love it. I love it. I love it. Um, how old are your kids? So, my oldest is seven and then I have a three-year-old and a one-year-old.
>> Oh, boy.
>> Yeah. And um my my oldest is special needs.
>> Okay.
>> And our uh second born is um I guess you could say medically complex.
>> Okay.
>> So,
>> tell me about the special needs.
>> Um so, he is autistic. We are in the diagnostic process with that. Um we have been on the wait list for 2 years and um by God's blessing he actually has
>> an evaluation um here in the next couple weeks. So we we'll feel great about that. Um
>> very cool.
>> But that that comes with its own challenges,
>> of course. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man. Um, okay. So
>> I want to I want to I love that. That's one of my favorite noises in the world. Now that I have a 15-year-old who just goes, I love hearing a baby say say it. Um, [laughter] all right. So, let me start here. Okay. There are no bad thoughts.
>> Okay.
>> Okay. You don't have to preface everything with, and I know it's a blessing, and I know yada yada, and I know there's women who want to have kids who can't get pregnant. You don't have to preface any of it with that.
>> Okay?
>> You're allowed to say, "Wait, what?" You're allowed to say the words, "I didn't want a fourth kid right now." You're not a bad mother for thinking that. You're not a bad mom for thinking, I don't know how this is going to be physically and or psychologically and or emotionally possible. It's okay to say those things. In fact, the thing I'll ask you to do is don't just keep all those thoughts in your mind and in your chest, but find somebody you can say those things out loud to. Okay?
>> Okay.
>> You're not a you're a great mom. Okay? Okay.
>> All that's okay because here's what I know. I know that when that baby's born, you're going to be excited. I know as this thing kicks in, I mean, how far along are you?
>> Um, about between 10 and 12 weeks, somewhere in there.
>> As this thing starts to the, you know, the ball starts rolling downhill here pretty quick. Like once you know, once you start feeling that whole thing and you here we go again. Um, you know, you'll get excited every you you know how that will play out. You're allowed to look around and go, "What is going to happen now?"
>> Yeah.
>> You're allowed to ask hard questions about, "Hey, our marriage was already kind of sketch with a seven, a three, and a one-year-old, and wait, what?" Like, you're allowed to think those things. I don't know how we're going to afford this. I don't know how I'm going to balance a seven-year-old or an eight-year-old in ABA care plus doctor visits plus now like OB/GYN visits again on the week like all of those things cuz those are all real, right?
>> Yeah.
>> And forget all of that for a second. How have you been after each one of these pregnancies? Have you struggled? So, um, on top of all this, it has been a a particularly hard year for us. Um, I actually struggled with depression for the first time this year.
>> Um, and so that I feel like I just got to a good spot on that.
>> Yeah.
>> Um, and pregnancy is not kind to me particularly. I'm not one of those women that glow and they're beautiful and have all this [laughter] energy and the great hair. Like, that's that's not me. I spend most of my time with the head in the toilet kind of thing.
>> Yeah.
>> Um so, you know, it's not not exactly I look forward to the ending, but the nine months in between is is rough. And
>> well, and and you've got a three a three-year-old and a one-year-old, so you've already had somebody who was nursing while you were throwing up, right?
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> With a husband outside the bathroom being like, "Are we going to start having sex again soon?" Like, you've already been through all of this,
>> right?
>> Yeah. And so whenever somebody tells me they're feeling overwhelmed, the thing I re the a1 number one thing is I want you to take out a pen and a paper and write down every single solitary thing you feel overwhelmed about. Get it out of your body and onto paper. And that has a way of a illuminating what actual challenges are ahead of you. If you all have financial challenges, like you have a real math problem, that one's not going to go away. If you have a my body doesn't do pregnancy well, so I'm going to be throwing up a lot and now I'm going to have diapers to change and a kid breastfeeding and I'm going, right? You're going to have all that. Those are real challenges. the existential challenge of well how am I going to how's my my kid with autism going to do driving school when I have those are ones you can be like hey you know what that's a problem for future me
>> right it has it has a it has a way of saying okay we need to tackle these challenges in order um how's your marriage right now
>> um it's it's not bad
>> um my husband is a a first responder. Um, so he works 60 hours a week on a good week.
>> Mhm.
>> Um, and he's gone a lot. And we we live on a a farm, I guess you could put it, and we are extremely rural. We have no family around to speak of. Um, and while we have a good church, our son's issues can be rather [clears throat] isolating for us.
>> Yeah. And I think that takes its toll a little bit.
>> Yeah.
>> So we we just we have a lot and I mean it's it's been a it's been a long year. So I know you know it it will get better progressively. But
>> what happened this year?
>> Uh so the the beginning of this year my father was diagnosed um with stage 4 uncontrollable uh prostate cancer
>> and he's only 50. So
>> that
>> yeah so that was a big deal. Um, I had a a brother exit the the military last year and he was not transitioning well um this year. So, we had to get him some help. Um, my mother-in-law who is very dependent on us um she had some major medical challenges this year that are continuing. [snorts] Um, so it was kind of
>> give me a I'm sorry to interrupt. Give me give me a picture here. When you say very dependent on us, is your first responder husband who's working 60 hours a week picking up a lot of that slack or is it you raising three kids, now growing a fourth, and also dealing with your dying dad and taking care of his mother?
>> Probably the [laughter] second.
>> Okay, this is where here's I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you as directly as I can because I want to be honest with you, okay? And normally if we had two hours and we were just sitting down talking, I would say this more gently, right? I would kind of meander to this point, you're you're going to find your marriage is going to be in major major trouble if you don't put some of this on the table for both of you.
>> Okay?
>> In in direct words like this, we've reached a point where I can't do all of this and I have to prioritize our three kids and my kid. your mother needs to find some support and help elsewhere,
>> right?
>> Or you're going to have to pick up even another shift because we don't I need some help here at the house. I can't do the farm and the chores and deal with my dying dad and be pregnant again with three kids, two of which have special needs.
>> Okay? like like if you don't put those things on the table and he might say, "Hey, I have to drive an hour to work and I'm working 60 hours already there. We can't do that." Y'all are going to have to make some really hard choices. But those hard choices on the other side of those hard choices is probably some guilt, but a ton of peace and freedom.
>> Okay. Like I'll say it for you. You are at capacity.
>> Yeah.
>> And then now you're going to grow another human. Actually, you're beyond capacity and you're going to grow another person.
>> Yeah.
>> So that means something has to give. And I'd rather it give int be given like intentionally. We're going to have a hard conversation with my mother-in-law and we're going to have to help her liquidate her assets so that Medicaid can step in and support and she's going to have to go live at a like we're going to have to have some hard conversations like that or you're going to have hard conversations with a um with a whole you're going to have a whole different kind of hard conversations.
>> Mhm. Tell me about your ability to have those with your your spouse. Do you are y'all good at having hard conversations?
>> Um, no.
>> Tell me about that.
>> So, part part of the I think what contributed to the depression I had earlier this year was I hit capacity and then I had to keep going. And so I found myself deep in burnout with nothing to give.
>> Yeah.
>> And like there there was no there wasn't anything I could offload. And I think it still feels like that sometimes. And when I try to have that conversation of, hey, we now have yet another baby. I can't do the entire farm and the kids. And you know, we we have to homeschool our oldest cuz he can't go to school. So, I mean, it just it it all kind of falls on my plate. Not that he's dumping it on my plate, but that's just what our circumstances are giving us right now. And so, when I bring those up, I think he perceives that as failure.
>> There you go.
>> Like,
>> okay.
>> And you just he doesn't
>> Yeah. He shuts down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [laughter] So, here is the way you articulated that is so beautiful because here's the path forward. Okay. Okay,
>> it is clearing the deck and saying, "Hey, we need to go get breakfast somewhere." And if you've ever listened to my show, I say that probably five times a show, right? We're going to go eat somewhere. We're going to get away. I'm I hired a neighborhood kid to come in and y'all may not even have a neighborhood, but ask somebody from your church. Like, we figured out a way to carve a pocket of time for us. And I think the conversation begins with, "I'm so glad that I married you and I feel lucky because you're such an amazing provider and some things have to give." And sometimes it's as simple as starting a conversation with, I see you and I know you and I'm going to celebrate you cuz now and then that buys me permission for the challenge part. Or um it's there's there's a way to basically say I need both of us to not run or hide or go into our fight or flight. We need to have some really tough conversations. I need you to be present here at the at the table. And I've needed both of those in my life. Sometimes for my wife to say, "Hey, no hiding, no yelling, no kicking, no fighting, no screaming. We got to have a hard conversation." And then other times she has led up with, "I just want you to know that I know how hard you're working and I'm so proud of you. Thank you. I need some help and support." And it might be if you have resources, we're going to hire somebody to come way out in the country and help. It might be who who know, we might need to sell the farm and move. We might need to who knows what it's going to be, but the the dream that we're trying to hold together is no more,
>> right?
>> You you don't seem convinced.
>> No, I just So I I have tried to have these similar conversations and he just he he thinks that we can power through, but it winds up looking like me powering through.
>> Yeah. and him just, you know, staying on the course.
>> And I he does work hard and I am so grateful and I'm so proud of him and I I try to articulate that to him as frequently as I can, but it seems like when I'm complimenting him, I'm just drowning.
>> Yeah.
>> And
>> And you don't get any back.
>> He Yes. And he has these these goals and this picture of what he wants our family to look like and our legacy to look like. And we've worked so hard. It just it to him it feels like veering off course is to give up.
>> I know. But he needs to know it's already off course.
>> It hasn't veered. It's crashed in a field somewhere. He just won't he won't see it.
>> Right.
>> Yeah.
>> And it it's it's letting him know, hey, the thing you think it's not like we're holding it together. It's gone. The marriage we had is over. We're adding a fourth kid. We've never been married with four kids.
>> Yeah.
>> Three of which are three and under for God's sakes.
>> Yeah.
>> And the fourth is a special needs kid.
>> Yeah.
>> My fear for you two is his determination to have this amazing picture. Your determination to be an amazing mom, an amazing wife to an amazing guy. Y'all are both working really hard to try to keep the other person's picture afloat. He thinks this is what is going to be best for everybody. and you're like, "All right, his picture is going to be best for everybody." And you're both going to end up calling back in the show one day and your marriage is going to be in ash,
>> right?
>> And I don't want that for you,
>> right?
>> But it takes somebody to, you've heard me say this, like turn the music off and turn the lights on and maybe you writing all this stuff out and saying, "We need to decide three or four things that I'm going to stop doing." And we either have to agree as a family, we're not going to do it anymore. You're going to have to pick up the slack or um we're going have to hire somebody, but there's only so much energy to go around. And now I've going to have three kids in diapers. I'm going have three kids in diapers, one of which is going to have to have a whole bunch of medical visits. And like just putting it all boom boom boom boom boom. And maybe if you bring three or four things to the table, we can no longer be the support network for your mom. She's going to have to go be a grown-up and get her own support network cuz it can't be us because you're working 60 or 70 hours a week and I've got so much going on. Maybe. But I think going back to that statement you said, maybe I haven't been as direct as I need to be. This is that moment. And my hope and prayer is he can hear it. that his wife loves him, recognizes that he's awesome, and also is saying the picture, the fantasy you have doesn't exist. Let's create one that is actually tangible and real. I'm going to send you building a non- anxious life. I want y'all both to read it together. It might be a starting point for the first choice you have to make as a person who wants to have a well and whole household is we have to choose reality. And there's some exercises in there that y'all can do together that I think would be pretty instructive. Thank you for the call. I'm really grateful. Okay, [sighs] there's no bad thoughts. You can be frustrated and sad and oh my gosh, here we go again. And make sure that you also give honesty and credence to the good thoughts. You're about to have another amazing little baby and sounds like you're a pretty amazing mom. We come back, a woman asks if she should tell her stepmom the truth about her dad's past. This time of year, we are giving our time, our money, and sometimes without meaning to, giving away our personal data to everyone all over the place. That's why I recommend delete me. And listen, I like a good deal as much as the next guy. Just remember, every email click or every newsletter sign up is another piece of your personal life that you're just handing to somebody else. If it's free, you are the product. And they take your data and they sell it everywhere. They grab it, bundle it, and give it away to other shady data brokers. This includes your name, your phone number, your address. It's all floating around out there in the digital wilderness. And this is how you end up with all those spam calls and weird text messages that makes it feel like somebody's always looking over your shoulder because they are. If you want to take back your privacy and your peace, you need delete me. They're like a digital cleaning crew. They go in to the internets in the darkest parts of the internets and they find your personal information and they get it removed and they keep it gone. Peace does not just come from turning off your notifications. It comes from knowing your data isn't for sale anymore. Right now, you can get 20% off your annual deleteme plan when you go to joindeleteme.com/deloney. Go be safe in the digital world. That's jointdeme.com/deloney. All right, Denver, Colorado, Kelly's favorite place to go get high. Let's talk to Stephanie. What's up, Stephanie?
>> Hi, Dr. John. Uh, thank you so much for taking my call. I'm very excited to talk to you.
>> I'm excited to talk to you. What's up?
>> So, um, I try to calm myself down a little. Um, [laughter] so my my dad has been married to my stepmom for like coming up on 20 years, so it's been a while. Um, and she's, you know, a person I have a relationship with. Um, and I just kind of know all these things about like when my parents got divorced and kind of why they got divorced and things that happened back then that like I know he's lied about to her um
>> for two decades. I mean, yeah. I think that um like when after they got married, she's a very, you know, faith-based person and so he has become a person of faith. And so for a long time, I just assumed, you know, he's not lying. He's not doing that kind of stuff anymore. But
>> yeah, cuz [laughter] Christian, people of faith never lie,
>> right? Well, of course. Yeah.
>> They always tell the truth,
>> right? I would just assume that he was being honest or or maybe she didn't know everything, but it wasn't a lie that he was telling. And but the last couple of years, there's been a few things that like I know he's telling her lies or the things that he's saying are lies.
>> Have you confronted him about it?
>> No.
>> Why not? Why not?
>> I Well, I feel I was thinking I was figuring you were going to ask me that. Um, I probably when I was younger, I probably asked him some things. Um, like when I was a teenager and of course he's a pretty smooth talker, so he can kind of he would always kind of wiggle his way out of questions he didn't really want to answer. Um, and I would kind of, you know, I'm the kid, he's the dad, it's not my job to tell him like how to be a better person or whatever, so whatever. Um, and so the answer is no. I haven't questioned him, but I I also feel like even if I did that what he would say to me would probably be lies. And then if I said like, "Oh, well, this is what I heard from mom." And he'd be like, "Oh, well, that's stuff between me and your mom and and we should, you know, and she shouldn't be talking about stuff like that."
>> How old are you?
>> I'm 40.
>> 40. Okay.
>> Yeah. And so he's been married to my stepmom for a long time. And you know, and so I knew stuff too when my parents were getting divorced. Of course, I was younger and I didn't know details, but like they divorced because of like financial infidelity. And he was like even at one point they were like franchise owners. And my mom of course doesn't know the whole story cuz she never really got it. But like he was told you have to leave quietly or you're going to be prosecuted. So, okay. She, you know,
>> so what's your question? Are you are you asking whether you should tell your stepmom after two decades that her dad her husband's been lying to her?
>> Yes. Basically,
>> I I wouldn't do that.
>> Okay.
>> Um I would do this. You're 40 years old now.
>> Yeah.
>> 40. Say, I'm 40.
>> I'm 40.
>> Okay.
>> It's time now. I don't know what kind of hold he has over you. Yeah,
>> but you're 40 and you're old enough now to um be really quiet and direct and clear and concise.
>> Yeah.
>> Hey, Dad, I need you to know something. I know that mom stepmom doesn't have all the information. She doesn't. She's mentioning things the last few years and it made me realize, oh, she doesn't know.
>> Yeah.
>> I need you to know I will never lie to her.
>> Yeah.
>> Well, you know, no. I'm telling you right now, if she ever asks me a question, I will never lie to her. Just want you to know that if there are conversations y'all have not had, you should probably have them.
>> Yeah.
>> Period. End of story.
>> Yeah. And so by giving him notice, which he doesn't need or deserve, but it it's not about him. It's about the kind of person you're going to be.
>> Yeah.
>> I'm going to be a person who treats everybody with dignity and respect whether they deserve it or not.
>> Yeah.
>> Cuz all I can control is me. I'm going to let him know. And I'm not going to go tattle on him. I'm not going to go. But if she if I'm doing something with my stepmom, who I have a 20-year relationship with, and she says, "I just can't believe your mother divorced him for no reason." You can say, "Oh, there was for sure reason."
>> Right.
>> It's when he was being prosecuted.
>> Right.
>> Right. And so,
>> but yeah, that's that's one of the lies I know he's told her. He said he told my stepmom that he divorced my mom because she started dating somebody else, which she did after she'd taken him back like five or six times after he promised, you know, I'll never do it again, whatever with money stuff. Um, and so it's it's all
>> I know, but it sounds like you want to tell him. It It sounds like you want to tell him because he ruined your childhood and now you're a little bit strong enough to to get him back.
>> Yeah. I mean, I don't I would I guess I don't really think of it as he ruined my childhood.
>> Well, he did. He blew up your childhood. He did.
>> Yeah, he did.
>> He totally blew it up. And by the way, that didn't happen in a vacuum. That means he was always lying to you guys all the time,
>> right?
>> He was always shady,
>> right?
>> And he was always a smooth, slick talker. And he's always cheating on your mom and he's always putting money over here and moving. That's that's that's your whole childhood.
>> Yeah. But at 40 years old, I'm telling you the victory you think you will feel after you sit down your stepmom. You're like, "You want me? Let me tell you what really happened." A, I promise you, she knows more than you think she does.
>> She She probably does know more than than I think she does.
>> And it's her way of keeping herself able to to She has to create a psychological world that she can live in.
>> Right.
>> Right.
>> Okay. Well, can I just give you another example? So, like we were at
>> if it makes you feel better, go ahead. Go ahead. [laughter] Go ahead.
>> This is just a good example. We were like at Thanksgiving dinner a couple years ago and my dad's sister said, "Hey, whatever happened to that girl that you were engaged to before um before he was with my mom." And like I guess he had never told my stepmom this. She didn't know that he was engaged with somebody else. And he sat there at the table and said, "No, I don't remember that. I don't remember that person."
>> Okay. You just told me another story about how your dad lies a lot,
>> right? He
>> I know. But like what what what value is it in like just keeping a list that you just tell everybody?
>> Yeah, I I know.
>> It's a choice for you to just get yourself all jinned up and ready to fight somebody, but there's nobody to fight because you won't fight him.
>> You get what I'm saying?
>> I I totally get what you're saying. And I I think I'm usually just like I don't feel like I don't I mean I know it's not my responsibility, but I don't want to blow up her life or their life for a while until and then he'll come up with some stupid lies for what I've said. So it's like I don't even know if it's worth it, I guess, to even say anything. And at the same time, I feel a little bit like I'm lying to her. Like if I was if my husband had this past, I would want to know. Okay. But you're not her,
>> right?
>> Number one. Number two, you can be a person who doesn't lie ever.
>> Yeah.
>> And if she says something, if she ever asks you something point blank or she's carrying on about a story that you kind of think she's also fishing, too, you can be a person who doesn't lie. And if your dad calls and says, "What did you tell her?" Like, "Dad, you lied to us your whole
"life." I don't lie. Yeah.
>> And that will probably cost you the fantasy that is y'all's world, which is he won't call you anymore or he's going to make up lies about you. At the at some point, you have to unhook yourself.
>> Yeah.
>> And grieve the fact that your dad is not a man of character.
>> Yeah.
>> And every daughter deserves to have a man of character that she can anchor into. And you don't have that.
>> Yeah.
>> And that's freaking heartbreaking. Yeah, I do have, you know, other men in my life.
>> I know. I know. But you don't have your dad.
>> Yeah.
>> My daughter has a dad who's a little unhinged.
>> My daughter has a dad who thinks fart jokes are the funniest thing ever. My daughter has a dad who right before she falls asleep and I get home late, I will run in and cannonball in her bed and she'll be like, "Dad, why?" She does. She has all that. But she has a dad that I know she can count on.
>> Yeah.
>> She knows she can count on. You don't have that.
>> Yeah.
>> Okay. So, so constantly [snorts] trying to go back to that well and saw that at some point you're going to have to unhook yourself from I do not care what that man thinks about me cuz he doesn't get a vote.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> He cashed that vote in when he blew up my childhood, when he stole from my mom, when he cheated on my mom, when he whatever.
>> Yeah.
>> And then you have to decide who am I going to be?
>> So, okay. So, so if I ever like if he's in my presence, if he's saying something that I know is a lie, do you I should just call him out on it regardless of the situation?
>> Yes.
>> Okay. [snorts]
>> Or
>> Okay.
>> Stop being in his presence.
>> Yeah.
>> Why do you keep being in his presence?
>> Well, I mean, he's, you know, he's he's my dad and I do love him still. And
>> Okay. But he hurts you every time y'all are around and he puts you in positions to become a person who lacks integrity every time he's with you.
>> Yeah.
>> That's not a good man because he's put you in a position where his lies force you into a moral dilemma.
>> Right.
>> Do I blow up dinner? Do I blow up his my stepmom's life? Or do I just go along and become a liar too?
>> Yeah.
>> It's not a good friend. Yeah, you're right. Of course, you're right.
>> If you're at a bar and one of your buddies gets in a fight, you're a good friend if you stand with your buddy. If
>> every time you go to a bar, that friend gets in a fight, he's not a good friend.
>> Yeah.
>> You get what I'm saying?
>> Yes, I do. Absolutely.
>> It's It's just It's heartbreaking.
>> It's heart It's
>> heartbreaking. I'll say this as directly as I can. You deserved a better man.
>> Yeah.
>> And the only choice you can make moving forward is who are you going to be?
>> Yeah. And I I know who I want to be and I want to be a person who's honest like I don't you know
>> then be that person.
>> Yeah.
>> And being that person will come at a great cost to the fantasy that is your family's life. Yeah,
>> make peace with that.
>> Okay.
>> Or make peace with being a person who doesn't hang around liars. Or make peace with the fact that I'm going to be a person who just goes along with this lying dude because everybody knows he's lying and I'm just going to go get another piece of cake and go on about it. Your stepmom knows he's a liar, by the way. She knows.
>> Oh, I think she does.
>> Of course she does. How in the world could you think you know him better than the woman who shared a house with him for 20 years? She knows him. She knows.
>> I think that is true.
>> I know that is true.
>> Yeah.
>> And maybe it would make you feel better. I wouldn't recommend this, but maybe you tell her, "Hey, if you ever have questions about the past that you're like, is this true? I'll be honest with you. I'll tell you the truth if you ever want to know." And then you're just putting on the table and letting her decide, I don't want to know. Or she might look at you and say, "Honey, I do know."
>> Yeah.
>> Who do you think you are? Right.
>> Yeah.
>> But you need to check your spirit. If this is about retribution or about like, "Finally, I've got you." Like, man, let that go. Is it going to be a hollow victory?
>> Right. I I definitely don't want to like, you know, I I don't want to feel like I've won this battle or it's not really that. It's just I don't like it in my spirit when I do feel like I'm lying when things come up.
>> Okay. And be a person who never lies.
>> Okay.
>> And if he starts prattling on about something, you can say, "Dad, that did not happen like that." And it doesn't have to be a moment of great like combat.
>> Yeah.
>> Doesn't have to be a big engagement. It just has to be a quiet, "Dad, that didn't happen like that at all."
>> Okay.
>> And you can go on about your life. And if he calls you on it, you can say quietly but firmly and directly, "Dad, you've lied to us your whole life. I'm a person who has decided I'm never going to lie. I'm never going to be around deception. Tada."
>> Yeah.
>> And that's you practicing. He doesn't get a vote. Maybe your brother does, maybe your husband does, maybe your boyfriend does. What? Like you get to decide who gets a vote in your life. and he doesn't get one. And maybe your birthmother does, maybe your stepmother does. And if that's the case, then I'm going to especially be honest and open and and vulnerable with those people because they get a vote in my life.
>> Right.
>> But it sounds deep deep in in my soul that you haven't grieved the fact that this is your dad.
>> Yeah. I think that's probably true.
>> Will you do me a favor?
>> Yeah.
>> Will you write a letter to 16-year-old Stephanie?
>> Yeah.
>> And tell that sweet 16-year-old girl who's wondering why her dad is treating her like this and treating her mom like this and treating her siblings like this and blowing up the family in slow motion, will you write her a letter and let her know this is not her fault? She didn't do anything wrong.
>> Yeah. Yes, I will do that. And
>> when you give that 16-year-old girl permission to unhook, to stop trying to live her life, trying to prove to this guy that she's worthy of being loved and she's worthy of being told the truth.
>> Yeah.
>> Cuz it was never about her. Her dad wasn't well, man.
>> Right. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Thank you very much for that input that you know it helps a lot just to you know hear what somebody else
>> you're not crazy
>> has to say that's outside of the situation.
>> Yeah. [laughter]
>> You're not crazy.
>> But you can make this thing a crazy situation if you go in there just pulling grenades and throwing them just because you can.
>> Right.
>> And what I what I'll tell you is if you go into a situation for retribution's sake or to throw grenades or cuz I want justice.
>> Yeah.
>> You're you're entitled to it. But you're going to look around at a field of ash and you will recognize that you went with you.
>> Yeah.
>> You'll still be the 16-year-old girl looking around wondering why dad did what he did. You will not feel any better. The path to healing won't be in the grenades. It will be in you looking in the mirror and saying, "As for me and my household, this is who we're going to be moving forward."
>> Yeah. And that's where you'll find confidence, beauty, power, autonomy, strength. And suddenly this man that you have been trying to get to connect with you for so many years, you'll realize how small he is. That almost that you were attached to a ghost for so many years. still with me?
>> I'm here. I'm just
>> I know it's a lot.
>> Yeah.
>> Normally, I would have taken like an hour to talk to you about this if we were sitting together. I [laughter] know it's a lot.
>> I know. I know. Yeah. And that's Yeah.
>> It's like here's a full large pizza. Eat the whole thing in 13 minutes. Go. Right. I get that. It's a [laughter] lot to digest. Yeah. Yeah.
>> But I think that's the I think that's the path. It's less about should I tell her this or should I tell him that? The question is who do I want to be? Who am I going to be? And what kind of actions are going to get me to that kind of person? Because at the end of the day, the only person you can you can control is you. It's your move. Thanks for the call, sister. I'm glad that you reached out. We'll be right back. I love the holidays. Holidays for my family include a lot of travel and yes, a lot of chaos. And on top of that chaos, a lot of late nights. And with all of it, it can be hard to wind down and get great sleep. Almost nothing feels better than coming home from a week on the road and falling asleep on my Helix mattress. My entire family sleeps on Helix mattresses and we all love them. I even have Helix in the guest room and when people come over and crash at my house, they always want to know about this amazing mattress they've been sleeping on. Helix mattresses are that good. And here's why. Helix makes mattresses for real people, not generic average sleepers. So whether you sleep hot, cold, on your side, on your back, whatever, Helix customizes the mattress to you and your sleep style. I got online and took their sleep quiz. It took like 2 minutes, and I want you to do that, too. They will match you with the perfect mattress just for you. Right now, my audience can get an exclusive 20% off their entire order at helixsleep.com/deloney. That's the entire order sitewide. Go to helix h l iix helixleep.com/deloney and tell them you heard about Helix mattresses right here on this show. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. Here is a money and marriage question. This is a money and marriage question from the money marriage event that I do with my friend Rachel Cruz and this is one of the anonymous questions left in the anonymous question box. The question is, how do I help a spouse with an addiction when he doesn't think he has a problem?
Um, man, this is really multiaceted because it can be or it's it's complex, especially depending on the particular addiction he has. Um, for instance, I wouldn't say I have an addiction to gummy candy. I would say I have a very unhealthy relationship with it. Um, that is best addressed with a laugh and it's best addressed like when Kelly will come in holding a handful of rappers and be like, "Are we having this kind of day, John?" and I'll be like, "Uh, okay, I got a problem. Um, I need to take a few days off." Or if my wife um when she like in the washing machine when there's like 45 rappers, she's like, "Hey, um, do we need to go for a walk tonight or like you want me to call your counselor for you?" Like, so if it's that kind of addiction, then um, it can be addressed with a smile or some gentle kind direct or making fun of me a little bit. Um, [clears throat] if it's alcohol, if it's opiates, if it's pornography, if it's a sexual addiction, then it has to be more direct. And it almost always comes from one of or two one or two places. You setting a boundary because here's the the way you phrase this with a with how do I help a spouse with an addiction when he doesn't think it's a problem? Most of the time, the addiction is the solution to the problem. The alcohol works. The sex with a stranger works for a second. The problem is the hollowess. The problem is the lack of purpose. The problem is the childhood abuse that we're trying to quiet the alarms on. And so, yeah, that's why everyone says, "I got under control. It's fine. I can stop at any time. It's just a drink. Relax. It's just whatever. I had a bad night." Well, like, so it it's not that's not going to be the approach. The approach will be, "I'm uncomfortable with your drinking. If you drink again, you cannot stay at this house." Or, "Are you kidding me? Is my or I won't be at this house if you've been drinking. If I find pornography on the computer again, I'm cutting off the internet and I'm going to ask you to leave for 3 weeks." I'm not leaving my own house. Okay, cool. I'm going to leave this house for three weeks because I don't want to be around this. If you sleep with somebody else again, I'm filing for divorce. It there's a boundary. That's one that's one place. And by the way, it usually spins up the addictive behavior because that internal chaos becomes more um to the surface. And I'm going to do more of that addictive. I'm going to do more gambling cuz I got to tamp down that that alarm system. Or the other one is getting some friends and family, some people that this person that your husband trusts to all show up. It's an intervention. Doesn't have to be as dramatic as an intervention or it might be depending depending on the severity of the addiction, but I'm going to get a couple of people. If I had an addiction to if I had a sexual addiction and three of my old 20 or 30 year buddies showed up at my house and we all sat at a table and they said this ends today. I packed a bag. I'm driving you to a rehab. Like we're out of here. Like that would be a powerful thing for me. So it is either you establish some boundaries about what behavior you will or will not tolerate in your life and or you get some other folks who are going to intervene and you might have to call a therapist, a specialist in interventions to walk through it depending on again if it's opiates or heroin addiction or or a deep alcohol addiction or two or three of his closest friends who have similar values and beliefs. If it's an addiction to pornography or whatever the thing is or a gambling addiction or whatever, um if it's a gambling addiction, by the way, I'm going to no longer have my check checking uh my direct deposit go into the account. I'm opening a savings account and in my own checking account where I can keep at least the house paid and the light the light bill paid, the water paid, and food on our kids' table. And so I'm going to take some some actions forward. And I think it was Johan Hari that said the opposite of addiction is connection. And so um I I'm always going to let the person who I'm sitting down with who's struggling with an addiction that I'm doing some sort of intervention, I'm always going to let them know. I'll be right here. I'll be with you. This is the actions, the behaviors I'm not going to tolerate, but I'll be with you. Anytime you want to get in a car, I'll drive you to rehab. Anytime you want to have a hard conversation, I'm here. Anytime you want me to smash your computer and throw it out the window and get rid of the internet, I'll do it. I'll come over to your house and pour the alcohol. I'll do that with you. I'm always going to be right here with you. I'm not going to disconnect from you, but I am going to hold some boundaries. So, that's that's my thought there. If a spouse doesn't think they have a problem with an addictive behavior and you're watching them whittle away to nothing or you're scared for your safety in your house, um those are a few approaches you could take. Thank you so much for being with us everybody. Go do something tonight. Tonight, go do something kind for a stranger. I'll commit to doing something today. You make that commitment, too. It's going to take a bunch of little acts of kindness for this whole world to turn around. I'm in. Hope you'll join me. See you soon.
>> [music]