Transcription
I thought buying luxury was meant to feel good, says Janice. She's one of the people who watches the newsletter. So, why does it sometimes feel like a test that you can fail?
I can afford nice things, but I always second guess if they're the right nice things. Why do I end up feeling judged by my own social circle, the ones who supposedly made it? Isn't that the whole point of success, to stop caring about what other people think?
So, prestige anxiety, Helen, that's what this is.
Yeah. Even if the term hasn't, well, it hasn't quite made it into the therapist office as yet, but you know, um, it's, you know what it is? It's that very quiet but very real panic of a wealthy client cuz you think that a fluent buys certainty, but it often buys the complete opposite of that. You know, this it's an endless calibration exercise, isn't it? In taste and manners and whether your cashmere blend is too obvious.
It's fascinating though, isn't it? Because how success doesn't actually erase insecurity. It just kind of changes how it's presented. You know, I see this all the time in therapy. People who've kind of climbed Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. cuz people they've climbed their way kind of into what they thought was safety through money and all they find is a whole new set of rules just waiting for them. And it's it's really interesting because it's never really about the handbags or the houses. It's about a belonging, you know, and about wondering if you've earned your place or if someone's going to tap you on the shoulder and tell you you're not quite the right sort, you know.
Yeah. You're not you're not quite up to snuff. Exactly.
Because the thing is that luxury isn't just about the purchase. In many cases is actually a performance, isn't it? You know, every act of consumption carries social subtext, which is called signaling. And believe it or not, that wasn't a phrase that a psychologist came up with.
Um, no, it was an economist actually called Michael Spence. But what most people miss is that these signals only work if someone else is decoding them.
So, you know, the anxiety starts to arise because luxury lives in the eyes of the beholder.
Yeah. You're never actually entirely sure that you've signaled correctly. M which oh god if you think about it that's actually exhausting cuz you can't completely like totally you can't buy security in identity like only in stuff and stuff never quite delivers does it?
No it doesn't because it's rather like musical chairs only with handbags isn't it? Yeah, everyone's terrified that the music's going to stop and they're going to be left holding Gucci, you know, when the when the group has moved on to Lorna. Lorna, by the way, is the Queen's handbag people.
Well, can you imagine? We're actually much cheaper than, you know, Burkens and Gucci and Prada and Chanel and far better quality as well. But anyway, that's an aside.
We give this is not sponsored by them.
No, it's not sponsored. if it wanted to be maybe, but no, it's not. But that fear, that thing of of being fearful of being the one holding the Gucci when everybody else has moved on is it becomes the whole engine of the whole thing, doesn't it? You you're not really buying um pleasure. You're mostly buying protection from judgment or exclusion or irrelevance. It's Yeah.
And I think that's the uncomfortable truth of it really. You know, luxury luxury brands quite cleverly um don't just sell aspiration anymore. They sell they sell reassurance.
They whisper you belong here.
The thing is when that whisper fades then another purchase is needed to bring that whisper back. Do you know it's the same kind of mechanism that drives a lot of addiction? You know, not in the kind of chemical sense, but in but emotionally that kind of hit of validation, the dopamine of then being seen with the right things and being accepted and then you get the comedown when when it wears off when you need that whisper or when you get the whisper.
You'd have a field day treating the luxury industry. If it was a client, lots of low self-esteem, lots of high functioning dependence and you know an external validation loop.
Completely. But I might bring the entire luxury industry down. So I don't know if that's that's that's not a good thing.
Yeah. Okay. Fine. But but do you know what's really interesting? Underneath all of that there's often grief cuz grief kind of, you know, simplicity for authenticity. You can hear it in her in her statement, you know, for that time kind of when something new could just be exciting rather than strategic. It's Yeah, it's sad really.
I mean, that's that's actually a rather lovely way to put it. We do underestimate how much emotional labor goes into maintaining status. That's for sure. We definitely do because it's not just about keeping up with the Joneses anymore. It's Yes.
It's actually about out elegancing. Is that even a word? The other Joneses. It is. Whilst also pretending not to care.
Oh my god. And the pretending not to care is the key, right? Because it's like emotional oature sort of carefully tailored detachment.
Yeah. Though I think I'd probably argue that somewhat anyway that the fear isn't just social, it's also ex existential, you know, um as well in in some cases because if luxury has become the proof of your worth, right?
Then the wrong choice threatens the entire self-concept, doesn't it? You know, it's not it's not about a handbag anymore. It's about identity disintegration at the till when you're inherits.
Well, yeah, I can see that. Which is I mean I suppose it's why some of the most sort of successful pe people are the most anxious people cuz they've built a self that needs kind of constant polishing and the fear isn't really losing the money, it's losing meaning from that identity.
Yeah, this is true. And the brands are happy to help with that maintenance of course. luxury thrives on on the sense of inadequacy.
If you're too secure and you stop buying, then that's a problem.
Now, if you're too insecure, then you start buying frantically. So, it's it's a delicate equilibrium and one that the industry gods very strongly like a like a trade secret. I bet they bled me dude, you know, like for sure because I I think it's sometimes like um I think of it like emotional inflation. The more you have, the more you need just to feel the same and what used to be be a treat becomes kind of the baseline, but then the baseline feels empty, right?
Oh, well that's hidonic adaptation, isn't it? in psychological terms. So the the human brain's marvelous knack for normalizing pleasure until actually only novelty now starts to feel rewarding.
Which of course conveniently keeps tills ringing doesn't it?
Yeah. So, so yeah, I guess so the cure then, if we could call it that, isn't to stop buying maybe, but to stop outsourcing our selfworth to what we buy, right? Because that I mean, like that's going to be easier said than done. Of course.
Yeah, it is. Of course indeed. You know, I suppose one could argue that the real luxury is psychological independence, the ability to to enjoy without comparison. And you know, also equally to consume without confession.
Do you know I love that? It's it's when you can kind of walk into Chanel and not need Chanel to walk out with you.
Right. Right. Exactly that. Yeah. But you know, for most luxury remains a social mirror, doesn't it? The anxiety creeps in when the reflection that you're looking at starts to distort.
Right? Which brings us back then to the beginning. doesn't it? Because that feeling of being judged, of kind of never getting it right or, you know, just not fitting in is it's not a failure of taste. It's the uh side effect of a culture that's kind of turned identity into a brand exercise almost I suppose maybe.
Yeah. Yeah. And the paradox is that luxury which should symbolize ease ends up breeding tension. So the the the calm surface conceals frantic self-s surveillance like swans almost.
Yeah, I love that analogy. You know, swans, you know, that's um that is it though, isn't it? Cuz it's all grace on top and then blind panic underneath. Blind.
Yeah, exactly. And and I think the real trick perhaps is learning to stop paddling. You know, just let the water carry you. Though, of course, that's much harder when you're paddling in the lake of aspiration.
I like that. That's perfect. The lake of aspiration. Shallow but endlessly reflective perhaps.
And very good for business. Very good for business.