Transcription
[Music] How do I open up to my friends when I'm struggling? Um, because I've had times in the past where I've reached out and not gotten that support, and I have a really hard time, um, kind of moving past that when I'm like in a crisis moment. And this last year has been really hard.
Um, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Do me a favor. Do me a favor. Take a huge deep breath, as deep as you can. That. Hold it. Three, two, sorry. No, don't ever stop. You're apologizing just for breathing. Don't. Um, hold on. No, no, no. We're not there yet. Hold on. You're good. Okay. Okay. And maybe nobody has ever let you just breathe before, but you're called me. You're allowed to breathe. Okay. No apologize. Okay. I don't want you to apologize for your existence. Okay. Okay. All right. So, you've reached out to friends before when you need some help and some support, and they haven't been there for you. Tell me about that.
Yeah. And they like, well, they told me I, there were a couple times that I did reach out, and they told me that like they knew I wasn't okay, but they feel like when I'm not okay and we try to talk about it, they have to kind of pull the answer out of me, and it makes them not want to reach out. Okay. And like they're right. And I was going to say, are they, are they correct? Yeah. No, they're right. Like I kind of do this like shut down thing. Okay. Um, and like I know where it comes from. It just, I don't know how to get past doing that.
Um, all right. Let me ask you a, let me, I'm interrupting you on purpose because I want to break this train of thought because you have a roller coaster that you get on, and that sucker just heads down the track, and you feel out of control. So I want to stop it. And by doing this, I know people on the internet are like, you always interrupt. Sometimes I do it strategically, just like this, because I want to prove to you that you can stop the train too. Okay. Yeah. So what does, and this is a strange question, what does shutting down, what does that get you? It gets you something. It's your body trying to help you out. What does it get you?
Um, it feels safe. All right. Tell me about that. Um, when I was a kid, I had like, I've kind of been through an insane amount of trauma, like, just a ridiculous amount. And when I was a kid, I started having like behavioral issues because of it. And so what my parents did, they suspected there was some like abuse going on, but instead of like helping me with it, anytime I got emotional, um, I would like get hit. And then my mom realized that like, if it was a day where I was going to have an emotional breakdown, it was easier to get it out of the way in the morning. So she's like admitted this to me as an adult. She used to kind of push me to a point of breakdown and then like, kind of hit me till I stopped, and then the rest of the day would be a lot easier for her because I would be too checked out to like have any issues.
Um, hold on. My God, Sophia, I'm so sorry. Yeah. Were you being sexually abused? Yeah. By like a church leader. Um, and my parents were on staff, but they weren't Christians. It was a weird dynamic. They like, it was weird. It was a weird dynamic. It wasn't. Hold on. It wasn't weird. It was evil and costing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was like really, really messed up. Okay. It wasn't weird, right? It was evil. And I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Um, no, no, no. Let's just sit here for a second. You've been blown by this your whole life. I want you to sit in it for a second. I'm sitting here with you. Okay. Yeah. I'm not the best dad in the world. I'm trying, but I'm not. But I tell you what, man, I'll burn the world down for my daughter. And that's how dads are supposed to be with their kids. Yeah. My wife would do the same. And that's what you should have had. Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry. Thanks.
So, yeah. Yeah. Being quiet has served you well your entire life, right? Yeah. Well, and what really is the part I'm kind of having the hardest time with is I did the work on all that stuff. Like I, I kind of, so as soon as I turned 18, I went and got my driver's license and had my friend teach me to drive because my parents wouldn't let me. I walked to work until I could afford a car. I like got, as soon as I got an apartment, I got multiple jobs so I could afford to go to therapy. Like I've done all the things and I like really did a lot of work on all of that and got to a point where I was really, really stable. And like I even got to where my therapist was like, "I don't think you really need therapy anymore." I was like, "Hey, I don't think so either." And I kind of like got solid. And then this year happened and, um, I feel like I just, you know, you use the like bricks in the backpack analogy. I feel like I unlook all those bricks and then I went through another thing and all of those bricks came back. And I like wasn't really expecting that. Like I kind of thought, you know, I'll work through this. And like, yeah, it might come up a little bit, but I didn't expect it all to just come back so strongly.
Yeah. What happened this year? Um, so I got to a place where I was really like stable, right? And so I ended up ending my relationship with my dad, like, um, which was really good. And but that was still hard. Like I still was working through that. And then, um, two months after that, so I, when I got stable, I ended up getting involved in ministry, met this guy, um, who it was like a long-distance thing, but I did ministry in his area and he was like a pillar of the community type, like church leader, and everyone trusted him. Everyone vouched for him. We really hit it off. Started a relationship. We ended up getting engaged. I was like going to move down there. It was one of those like, like I was selling everything to go and serve the poor, like type of thing, and was like really excited for this whole new life. And then five months before the wedding, a kid came forward, um, and accused him of molesting him. Mhm. And like my whole world flashed. And, um, I, I like the craziest part is like I handled it well in the moment of like, okay, instead of freaking out and flying off the handle, I was like, what's going on? I need to be involved in all of this. I need to know all the details. Like I need to know from someone other than you what's going on down there. And like if you're innocent, then like obvious, like we can find a way to work through this. If you're not, obviously that's like I will go full nuclear, right? But, um, in the middle of like me trying to be rational and work through the situation, um, I like poured my heart out to him and was like, this is where I'm at and like we're going to pause the wedding because like this comes first, like this needs to be dealt with. Obviously, like something's happening to this kid because of the things he's saying. And, um, the next day he called me and ended the relationship and told me that, um, now that our relationship's over, I didn't need to investigate or tell anyone what was going on. So that to me was like a huge, if you're innocent, why would you say that?
Um, so, can, can I pause you real quick again? Yeah. I cannot tell you how proud of you I am. What you did tells me that you've done an extraordinary amount of work. And I think on the other side of quote unquote doing the work, there's this idea that I'm never going to get hurt again. Yeah. Or I'm never going to feel this bad again. And that's, that's not true. Right. Right. You can get out of the hospital after like having your knee reconstructed, and the day you graduate from physical therapy, you can still get hit by a car again. Right. Right. But the, but listen, you got hit by a car again. You let yourself love. You let yourself go back into a church building of all places. You let yourself be connected to a minister again. Yeah. But the moment things went sideways, all that work came into play. You stood your ground and you said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before we go, I'm not going to walk down an aisle with you. I've been down that before. Not down an aisle, but I'm not protecting anybody anymore. I care about this kid." Right. That is an amazing amount of work you've done. I'm proud of you. Thank you. And you have to deal with the heartbreak and you have to deal with all of the, "Oh my gosh, how did I get suckered into this again?" Are all ministers like this? And by the way, they're not. But no, I know. I know. He's got a radar for it, right? Yeah. And so this is just, this is just like, I'm throwing it out there. Maybe don't date ministers anymore, right? But yeah, like on this side of this, it's a tremendous, extraordinary, um, example of how much work you've put in. Yeah. Like, like you're, you're an amazing success story because your first thought was, I'm not going to fall right back into the old pattern, which is, we protect the minister. I'm going to keep my head down. I'm going to keep my mouth shut, or I'm going to get hit. Right. You said no. I'm standing with this kid, and until I find out what's going on, I'm not moving forward in your life. I'm not going to be your protector. I'm not going to be your cover. I'm standing with the hurting child. Yeah. God bless you, dude. Amazing. Thank you. Okay. Yeah. Amazing. All right. Keep going.
Well, then right after that, um, the kid recanted and said it didn't happen and that he like was trying to get out of tutoring, which I'm going to be honest, I don't know whether it happened or not. I'm not, I don't know that. Like I know kids recant. I also know like false accusations do happen. I feel like I don't know what that was.
Hold on. Can I ask you a question? I'm interrupting you again. Yeah. What does your gut tell you? I think you did it. Okay, that's all that matters right now. Yeah, that's it. Healing does not mean the sensitive parts of your spirit scab over forever, get calloused. Yeah. Healing means you can think about your mom, and your body doesn't throw you back into when you were three or four or five years old, and she's beaten the crap out of you before school. That's what healing means. And the real challenge for someone who's been through the hell that you've lived through from people who had one job and that was to love their daughter, is the only way a marriage works is for you to allow yourself the potential to be hurt again by somebody. Yeah. And you did that, and God almighty, it happened again. Right. That doesn't mean you're broken. That doesn't mean you're unhealed. That means you were so healed up, you did the work, that you can disconnect from your mom and dad, cuz they literally are evil, and you had the courage to walk back into a church again, and that stomped on your, stomped on your soul again. You let yourself attempt to be loved by somebody, and he stomped on your heart again. So let me reframe all of it. Dude, your body is working perfectly. Right. Okay. You're right to be really sad, and you're right to be heartbroken. Yeah. Okay. And I think, Sorry. No, go ahead. Go ahead. Don't be sorry. Stop saying you're sorry.
Ah, okay. Um, I think the one part where I'm like, this is where I recognize I need to work is like all of that, like, yes, that's like makes sense, but I have a really fantastic group of friends and like they're my church family, like, and I love them to death, and they have like, they've all, they're there for me, and I have shut them down with them too, and I really don't know how to stop doing that part of it because like, and I don't, yeah, I just, I don't want to keep shutting down on them and then getting it to the point where like they don't even want to reach out because I keep shutting down. But I don't know how to get to where I can reach out and I like desperately need to.
Okay, you have to decide you're worth the risk again. And it may be worth calling three or four of your friends and saying, who know your story, I love you guys and I trust you guys, and I'm going to ask you that if you see me curling up in a ball, y'all have permission to reach out a hand. Listen to me very carefully. Okay. Okay. The prevailing sense under all of this, this is a very common response. When a mom and a dad treat you like you were treated, when a spiritual advisor treats you like he treated you, you have this prevailing sense that is woven into your nervous system that you're a burden on other people. Yeah. And you're not a burden.
How do I believe that? Oh, like how do I get you? Oh, there's one way. You have to practice. You're not going to be able to think your way to it. And let me tell you, on the other side, the greatest gift in my life is when someone I love and care about reaches out and says, "Hey, can I talk?" Because what it gives me is a job. It gives me purpose. Yeah. It's a blessing. Okay. And so it, it's, it's actually you're a gift, not a burden. And if you tell your friends, hey, if this ever gets to be too much, let me know. Then they get to be grown-ups and decide their their level of boundaries. And, and I have friends that will call me, and we'll talk for an hour and a half or two hours, and I'll say, "Hey, this is exceeding my ability to help you on the phone. I want you to call this person." I did that this weekend. I was out of the state, and somebody that I love here in Nashville called and said, "Hey, I need to talk to you for a second." We talked for an hour, and I said, "Hey, this, I'm in another state. You need some help right now. Here's a number." And I sent them a number of a personal friend of mine who is good at this. Mhm. Okay. But never were they a burden. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Anytime you feel like a burden, I want you to think this. Actually, I want you, if you can, I want you. No, here's the deal. I think you can. There's a narrative that you can't. And that's what I want. I don't want you to go to war with yourself anymore. You've been through enough war. But I want you to challenge deeply this idea that you cannot, because I think you can. Anytime you feel like a burden, or I want to text them, but it's too much, I want you to say out loud or write down on in your journal, "Dad, Mom, you don't get a vote anymore." Because what you're doing is you go back to seven-year-old you, and you're looking out of the side of your eye at your mom to see if she's raising a fist on you. Yeah. And she didn't get a vote. Those men and women who are amazing, who keep showing up for you, they get a vote. So, here's what I want you to do. I want you to find somebody in town, and I want you to look for somebody who is a trauma-informed therapist. Yeah. And I want you to ask for body work. Okay. Mhm. I think you're at a point now where sitting around and talking about it has run its course. I want you to sit with somebody who will help, like somebody who has been trained, and I've done this, and it is ex, it's unfathomable how good it is. But it sucks. But it releases it from your nervous system. So now I can just be in a bad mood. Now I can just be angry. Now I can just, whatever, without just going all the way back. Not fun, but man, it's magic. It's not magic. It's just science. But it is what it is, what it is. But you might be there now. And maybe you weren't totally healed. Maybe you have finally got yourself to safety, which is such an extraordinary accomplishment. But hear me say this. I'm going to let you go, but I want you to hear me say this. You're worth having friends, and you're worth reaching out to people. And in those moments when you say, "I can't do it," I want you to exhale and say, "Mom and Dad, you don't get a vote. I can." And then make that call or make that text. The work you're doing is extraordinary. And call a trauma-informed counselor in your area and say, "I want to do some body work, and I've got a pretty hellacious childhood, and I want to let it go." Not just from my head, but I want to let it go from my nervous system, from my body. You're amazing, Sophia. You call me anytime, anyway. Okay? And I'll be there to to show up for you. And listen, thank you so, so much for being brave and for making this call. While you're in a good space right now, I want you to reach out to your friends today, set up a coffee meeting, and I want you to just to make an announcement. Sophia's back. Sophia's here, and y'all are going to be my ride or dies. Game on.