WATCH OUT! What to expect in a break up with a narcissist

It's the theft of your identity, of your reality, of your perception, your experience. And it's an experience of hollowing out like no other.

It's many times people think, like with a classical sort of architecture of the narcissistic relationship, is love bombing, then you kind of go into sort of a steady state period, and then you have the decline, and then you have the discard, and then you have the back and forth of love bomb, discard, love bomb, discard. And then the betrayals that happen along the way.

What if you burn out and you decide you've had it? It happens all the time. And you know, what if I were to hazard a guess? I guess it's a 50/50. 50% of the time, someone's breaking up with the narcissist. 50% of the time, the narcissist discards you so they can move on to someone else.

But if you're the one doing the breaking up, how do you do it? Like I said, very carefully. It's often going to be quite messy.

Now, I want to make a disclaimer right here. If this is a breakup situation where things are getting dangerous, for example, there's been a history of domestic violence or other kinds of sort of really risky behavior at times that you've tried to step away from the relationship, this video is probably not going to be enough guidance for you. That really requires bringing in domestic violence resources, protective orders. It might mean involving law enforcement to get restraining orders and some of the risks and benefits there. So this video is not meant for that. If your situation is indeed that dangerous, we will make sure we put a link at the back of the video for you to get domestic violence resources, at least that are relevant to the United States.

Okay, so this is sort of your more traditional narcissistic breakup. Narcissists do not like being broken up with, okay? They do not like it because, as far as they're concerned, you're no longer a source of admiration or validation. And most importantly, they experience it as what we call a narcissistic injury. A narcissistic injury is when that fragile ego of the narcissist gets bruised because they've been rejected or insulted or somehow humbled or criticized. And because they're so sensitive and they can't handle that, they crumble and they lash out.

When a narcissist experiences a narcissistic injury, the first reaction you can experience, and will experience, is rage. And so that rage can actually be quite terrifying. It can be yelling, it can be screaming. As I said, in some cases, it may escalate into violence or at least something around the fringes of violence, such as throwing objects. And it may not be at you, but it could be throwing objects on the ground, slamming doors as they leave the room, etc.

Then it is not unusual for other things to come into play, like the good old flying monkeys. For those of you who don't know about flying monkeys, yes, it's a reference to The Wizard of Oz. But it's when the narcissist recruits anybody that the two of you knew as a couple, tells them all kinds of terrible stuff, and really recruits them to do their bidding. So by the time they're done, you feel like you've just been through a smear campaign. They'll use whatever info they can, like I said, to get people to continue to make them look like the good guy in the breakup. It's not unusual to see that you've been besmirched on social media or at least a lot of passive-aggressive stuff. Don't you love when somebody that you actually took on vacation to Hawaii has the audacity to break up with you and then they'll put some ridiculous meme underneath that? That's sort of about garden-variety narcissistic breakup behavior.

But it goes beyond that. If you're talking about a narcissistic breakup that's on the level of a divorce, you're in for the fight of your life. Very rarely can narcissistic divorces be managed just merely through mediation. Sadly, you often do need to involve attorneys, and that means money. While there are state laws, and again, I'm not an attorney, so I highly advise you to seek out that kind of guidance if that's the situation you're in, but there are laws around community property and whether it's a fault or no-fault state that will all have a bearing on how assets are split up. I can promise you that most narcissists will engage in dirty pool, start moving money around, and doing all kinds of other stuff that involves that means you have to involve things like forensic accountants and all kinds of people, and it starts to get really expensive, really fast.

For some narcissists, it is they will they will play out the vengeance fantasy until the bitter end. It will become a single-minded commitment to destroy your life, to hurt your reputation. They may even go so far as to call your place of work to try to harm your reputation there. Don't talk to anyone who will listen. They may make unfounded accusations. And while you can certainly rely on legal interventions, slander, and libel, and all of that, all of this is taking a tremendous psychological toll on you.

When I work with my own clients who are getting ready to pull, you know, pull out of a narcissistic relationship, I tell them they need a safety plan. The bag needs to be packed. You do not want to be doing this stuff at the last minute. If you live together and there are important papers or sentimental objects, you need to get them out of the house before you have the conversation. But be very careful. Do not move anything out of that house that's considered joint property because that's going to cause you legal problems. But for example, your mother's wedding ring, or sentimental photographs, or something that belongs to you and is meaningful to you that if it got destroyed, it could not be replaced. You want to quietly get that stuff out of there, as well as the things you'll need, medications, anything else you'll need to get out of that house because coming in may become really uncomfortable. Access to money you might need, and maybe even putting that stuff at a safe friend's house.

You will need to likely have already talked to an attorney. If you are married, and if this is not a breakup from a marriage, it's a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé, um, boyfriend, girlfriend, but you're not yet married, it's still going to be difficult, and all the safety plan things still apply. Having the backpack, making sure you have important things out, and even if you're not living together, you want to make sure that there are things in that person's residence you if you do get them out. So those things are sort of practical issues. And a lot of this stuff is detailed and should I stay or should I go my book, and you can take a look at it. There's also lots of really great resources online for how to leave a relationship like this.

But psychologically, what can you expect? It's going to feel unrelenting. Everybody's feelings get hurt in a breakup. It's the nature of the beast. Broken hearts hurt, and when we're hurt, we behave badly. Even the non-narcissists have all looked back on our breakups and said, "Yeah, I could have been a better person." So we all make mistakes. We are all graceless in our fashion. This is different. This is different. And it is almost like when the narcissist is enraged, they have an unending volcanic cauldron of anger that they can pull upon to just keep going at you. And it goes long beyond the shelf life of anger. Any of us who have been through a breakup will say, "Yeah, we had three to six really rough months, maybe less, or maybe a little bit more, but then at some point, we just let it go."

Narcissistic injuries run deep, which is why it's so hard for a narcissist to let go. Where it gets really interesting is even when you leave the narcissist, and you really, you struggled with this, if you move on because you've met someone new and you move on to that very quickly, be prepared that they are going to go after your new partner too, with criticisms, with phone calls, well, with things that might even feel like stalking. And it's, you know, incumbent on you to decide whether it requires any kind of legal or law enforcement remedies. But it can feel really, really overwhelming for a new partner.

However, on the flip side, don't be surprised that if you end the relationship because it became too abusive, too toxic, that your narcissistic partner moves on really, really quickly. Which can feel strange. However, does that mean the attacks are going to end? Not necessarily. If their new partner gives them enough narcissistic supply, they might. They might start pulling back because now they're getting enough. It's almost like a, it's like, you know, one of those dinosaur movies when the dinosaur is interested in something else, it sort of loses interest in the other thing. It's the same thing. They may actually lose interest and then move forward.

What makes it more complicated is that there is a shared life, shared assets, shared home, and children. That's beyond the scope of this particular video, just sort of the how to think about the mechanics of ending the relationship. But you can, you need to be prepared that however much psychological abuse you think this person is going to keep on you, it is going to go a lot longer than you think. This is not going to be your usual six weeks to eight weeks where, yeah, we're still tangoing. This could sometimes go on literally for years. I know people who have come out of relationships with particularly, particularly difficult narcissistic people, 25 years later, they are still getting really, really awful texts, emails, and messages from that person. Hell hath no fury like a narcissist scorned.

So again, if this is a dangerous situation, please ensure you get the proper resources. If this is a divorce situation, please ensure that you have the legal support you need. If this is again, sort of your garden-variety breakup, have some form of safety plan, and then sort of hold on to your hat, because the psychological abuse is going to be far and vast. And then don't be shocked when they move on quickly. Sometimes people feel hurt, even though they broke up with the narcissist, they're saying, "God, they've replaced me quickly." Yeah, they did because the relationship was relatively superficial. So it's very easy for them to move on quickly. And if that's what happens, count your blessings because they may be less likely to put you through more of the abuse after the breakup.

If you were the partner that brought a lot of value at it, let's say you, you were powerful or wealthy, and your narcissistic partner doesn't want to lose that, or your, whatever it was, you brought to the table is not something you want to lose, that ups the likelihood that their ongoing abuse is going to be quite, you know, quite poisonous. And then what it really comes down to is you needing support, seeking out therapy, seeking out support groups, seeking out whatever support you need to help you make sense of this unrelenting abuse is absolutely critical. Breaking up with a narcissist is no small task. Make sure you're prepared. Make sure you read, ideally have some form of advocate, whether it's a therapist or someone else who's expert in this. And then tread very lightly. It ain't going to be easy.

If you feel up to it, drop some of your thoughts about what's harder. Is it harder to break up with a narcissist or be broken up by a narcissist? That makes sense? Or is it harder for you to be the one breaking up, or is it harder when the narcissist broke up with you? Put that in the comments. And for those of you who are new to this channel, I'm Dr. Romney. Welcome to this YouTube channel on narcissism, where we do a deep dive on everything related to narcissism. If you're new, please subscribe. You want notifications every day when these videos come up? Hit that bell and give us a thumbs up if you like this.

So let's talk narcissistic breakups. Really, what this video is going to get into is what a breakup with a narcissist looks like. And at the very end, we're really going to talk about which one's harder, breaking up with them or being broken up with. So listen, no breakup is ever pretty, but these, these narcissistic breakups, they're uniquely difficult. So let's start this video from the position of you're the one doing the breaking up, okay? You're breaking up with them. So you just need to be prepared for smear campaigns, flying monkeys, lots of defamatory things being said about you, vindictiveness, stalking, post-separation abuse, hoovering, rage, threats, manipulation, them going from seductive and rageful in the same text sequence, lots of texts. That makes you want to break up with them, right?

So breaking up from a narcissistic relationship is difficult. Once again, keep talking about that continuum. At the more severe level of narcissism, you may need to have a safety plan. And as always, we'll have those resources in the video notes. But at the mild to moderate levels of narcissism, it's just their unwillingness to let go. Entitlement means that they don't like that you get to make the call to end it. And their need for domination means that they don't like that someone else has the power to disrupt their lives. And their arrogance is, "Why would anyone want to leave me?" is what they're thinking.

Now, obviously, if this is a divorce, it's going to be a disaster. Custody wars, financial wars, you're going to need an attorney, even if it's just to know your rights. Family court will not be your friend. You will need realistic expectations. And the post-separation abuse in the wake of the divorce may go on for years. So can anything soften this? The one thing that potentially could soften such a breakup is that the narcissist meets someone new really quickly. The distraction of a new relationship may tone down some of their vindictiveness, but not nearly as much as you may think. They'll have their new person, but still come after you with unfettered rage. And, and you might wonder, like, "Why the hell isn't this new person there?" With their new partner's single-minded revenge campaign against you as a 10-alarm red flag. That part never ceases to amaze me.

But if they believe that what they're doing is making you suffer, that nobody's talking to you anymore, or you lose your reputation, or something that actually might calm the narcissist down a little bit, but then it means that you aren't getting out of this unscathed. You're getting harm. So it doesn't really soften this breakup. It just may mean that they may slow down their post-separation abuse because they feel they won because you are suffering.

Okay, remember, you broke up with them. Now, the extent, the severity, the breadth, and the depth of their rage when you break up with them may vary depending on how long your relationship with them lasted and how entangled you are with them. Children, house, pets, money. Then there's always cultural and religious factors and whether a breakup will make this person look bad to their family or their community. All of these are drivers to this breakup, what it looks like. And as a result, there are some narcissistic breakups that do go a little bit okay, but that's not the storm. Be prepared for a stocky, vindictive, protracted mess.

This is why I let survivors know that leaving is incredibly courageous because you are really knowingly entering a very fraught, frightening, manipulative situation by leaving. It's also why I let survivors know that I understand why they don't leave and why we really shouldn't pressure survivors to leave. Some people may not feel up to the fight at a given time in their lives. Keep in mind, even if you wanted this breakup, it doesn't make a breakup easy because you may actually have a real broken heart. There may have been enough good days in this relationship to give you some regret. You may not want to break up the family you've created, even though you know it's not good for your children to see you in this relationship anymore. And you shudder at the thought of having to share custody and not being with your kids all the time. You may also be anxious about your own future, about meeting someone new, or what this unknown looks like.

And some advice to you: Don't post anything about your breakup on social media, especially if it's a divorce. I know the narcissist will, but it's better for you to play a cleaner ground game. If it's a divorce, social media posts can come back to bite you, and it's not good for your children to see. Your posts can also get challenging for your friends and family to see them too. Take any anger you have into therapy or into your attorney's office. These breakups and these relationships are uniquely unjust situations. And with time, the hope is that by leaving, you're ultimately getting the win.

Right now, what if the narcissist breaks up with you? Well, this is an equally difficult circumstance, but for different reasons. Listen, some of you in narcissistic relationships aren't ready for them to end. And will say that even though the relationship is volatile, many people felt blindsided by a narcissistic breakup because narcissistic relationships are such roller coasters. The ups and downs become the territory. So people are surprised when it finally culminates in an actual breakup, despite all the threatened breakups when you are together, because the ups and downs have been such a normalized part of the relationship.

And listen, folks, survivors have pride and ego too. And something about the narcissistic person getting to be the one who turned off the switch can also feel quite unsettling and unfair to survivors. These relationships are toxic enough, and the narcissist doing the breaking up can feel like the narcissistic person got to pull the dominance move one more time. Now, the narcissist leaving doesn't necessarily mean that they're going to be equitable or nice in a breakup. They may still try to stick it to you. If it's a divorce, they may still try to take financial advantage of you, and they may still fight you on custody, just because that's what narcissists do. They're combative and they're vindictive.

But in some cases, if they do want out and they want out fast, especially if it's to go into a new relationship, initially, a narcissist may be well-behaved and kind of meet you where you're at. But after they start their new life with someone, then you may see more of the vindictiveness and meanness pop out. They may want an Insta-family and then want the custody to increase. The fact is, though, they just have to win. A narcissist doesn't leave unless they have something else worked out. In many cases, that may be a new relationship, but it may also be a new job or a new career or a more youthful life. Narcissistic folks are also really Machiavellian, and they will try to game systems every way they can, manipulating the timing of selling a business or other assets, fooling around with the timing of quitting a job, anything to ensure that they do not need to pay out an appropriate amount of money to an ex.

Narcissistic folks leave because they need new supply. Whatever that new supply looks like, you may feel, I understand that, that you're getting replaced. You aren't. They just want new supply. They will want that again after whatever this new thing is as well. Supply ain't personal to them. You will may plan, you can plan on them blaming you, even if you are blindsided. They may gaslight you, saying things like, "Well, I've been telling you for a long time that I am unhappy." And your reaction may be, "Wait, what?" Those words may never have come out of their mouths. And if you do finally really call them out on it, they'll say, "Well, I told you in a million subtle ways that I was unhappy."

The post-breakup territory with a narcissist is very gaslighting, and you have to hold on to reality and recognize that they are going to say or do whatever they need to say or do to leave them looking like the good one in a breakup that they instigated. They may still do a smear campaign, telling people, "You can't imagine how bad the relationship was with them," so they can get support for themselves. They may also keep you on the chain for a while and be sort of in and out of your life while they get their new life sorted out. It can feel like a series of mini-hoovers, or they may not quite move out and use your garage as a storage unit. They aren't thinking of your well-being after they break up with you, as it always has been. Everything is about them now.

The healing for survivors after they break up with you is complicated. Lots of folks who have been broken up with by a narcissist may get so pulled by their trauma bonds that they may try to pull the narcissist back in, perhaps because they want to keep their their family together, or to keep their home, or because they can't imagine life without the relationship. And even though it was quite unhealthy, it can be difficult because at some level, you are, you're trying to pull the narcissist back. Plays on their own validation fantasies, and they may sort of get stuck in that toxic dance with you for a while because it feeds their ego. Be careful with this, because over time, there is the likelihood that you feel bad about yourself for wanting the narcissistic person back. It's human, but it's never a good play. And then they will happily keep playing that game with you if it means their needs are being met.

Now, rumination is far more pronounced when the narcissist breaks up with you. You may take out old emails and text messages and voicemails and try to back-construct what happened and what went wrong in this relationship. You may get, you may get lost in where it went from "good night, babe" in a text message to brief, business-like, and dismissive in a couple of weeks. You may find yourself playing junior detective, perhaps even following them or getting a private detective. You do what you need to do, always be safe, but be mindful that all this time being spent on rumination is time that is not being spent on healing.

The hardest is when they do leave you and they promptly do start a new relationship with someone else, because let's face it, now you understand that that new relationship likely began on your watch and can play on all kinds of betrayal dynamics, like, "Why them? Why did they choose them? What am I lacking?" You also may find yourself stuck in thinking about how this new person is getting the whole bright, shiny, new love-bombed thing that you once got. And this can be really pronounced as a sense of betrayal if you grew up in a triangulated family system where kids were always compared to each other.

Therapy becomes essential, and you got to have that slow recognition that this new person is just new supply. That's all anyone is to them. And where it gets really dark is when you actually come out of the darkness and start to heal. Once the narcissist recognizes that you may be moving on with your life, they may actually do a little hoovering, making sure that they still have power where you are concerned. Do not fall for it. It's a game for them. Keep moving forward and keep healing. Do not give them that satisfaction.

It can take a long time to recover, and many survivors have to navigate both a broken heart and anger at themselves for being upset about ending a narcissistic relationship. But it's normal to care, right? There is no easy way to have a narcissistic breakup. Their problems with attachment, dysregulation, entitlement, egocentricity, and their lack of empathy mean that breakups just become a place for them to either punish you or humiliate you. And neither of those are ever going to feel good in the long term. You will have the recognition that getting out of this is the best thing that could have happened. But learn from it, because it takes a minute as you heal from that broken heart. Because if you don't learn from it, you're going to repeat the cycle.

People always ask me that big question, which is worse? If they break up with you, or you break up with them? And you've answered this now, right? Personally, I think the fallout is far worse if you break up with them, but that the potency of the broken heart is far worse if they break up with you. All together. Now, what's the mantra of the narcissistic relationships? "I can actually hear you. You can't win." Always remember that. And when you try to win, you're just going to exhaust yourselves. There is no easy way to get out of these relationships.

Imagine for a lot of you, you've had more than one relationship breakup, right? I want you to think about a breakup you've had in a regular, somewhat healthy relationship, and the breakup you had in a narcissistic relationship. Which one was harder? I'm guessing for the majority of you, the narcissistic breakup was harder. Even though you're probably going to be better off without the relationship, it was harder. So in this video, we're going to break down why our Nars breakups from narcissistic relationships, narcissistic breakups, as it were, why are they so much harder than other kinds of breakups?

So most people, and if you haven't, you're unusual and you're probably not watching this channel, but most people have had their heart broken. It may have been an unrequited crush in high school. It might have been a relationship that had to end because of a move. It may be a person who left you for someone else. It may be a person that fell out of love with you. Most of us have been there, right? But, and like I said, I'd pose this to you, please drop your answers in the comments so we can learn from each other. Did you have a different experience of a broken heart in a narcissistic breakup compared to a garden-variety, no-narcissism breakup? My guess is yes.

Because in almost all cases, even though you may intellectually know that ending a narcissistic relationship, whether you ended it or not, is ultimately probably going to be for your good interest and your best interest, I know it will be. You may be on the fence about that, but that the site, and you may know that those cycles of breakup and makeup and breakup and makeup just always end up in the same place. You may recognize that this is toxic. The fact is, even though it's going to be ultimately better for you, in almost all cases, the narcissistic breakups are so much harder. It sort of defies logic, as most matters of the heart do. And why is that so? Let's break down the five reasons narcissistic breakups are so much harder than other kinds of breakups.

Number one: Trauma bonding. This is really the main reason. In normal relationship, normal healthy, no-narcissism relationship, you may have met, fallen in love around things like shared interests, enjoying your time together, compassion, empathy, all that. But in a healthy relationship, you may still grow apart. You may miss them, but it's not the whole mess of the trauma bond. Narcissistic relationships, when they end, are like a severing of this trauma bond and can feel like primal abandonment, like cutting off one of our own limbs. And psychologically, we may literally feel that painful.

And then add to that that the trauma-bonded cycles often begin in childhood, a reflection of wanting to win over an unavailable, disinterested, or detached parent, a cycle that was once wedded to survival. So when these relationships don't work out, it is raw, and the loss feels almost like an infantile loss of losing something we believe we need to survive. The hot, cold, up, down, good, bad cycles of the narcissistic relationship mean that we are always waiting out the bad days, waiting them out, and the good days do show up, and they keep us in the game. The idea of stepping out of that cycle can feel overwhelming. Stepping out of that hope can feel absolutely almost like abandoning yourself. So even if intellectually you know that this relationship ending is the best thing that could ever happen to you, the trauma bond is felt, it's not thought. So that feeling in our body, a literal heartbreak, a nervous system for your response, means that when these relationships end, intellect goes out the window. And the primal patterns that the trauma bond are associated with means that these relationship endings can create cycles of rumination, obsession, anger, fear, and abandonment.

Number two reason that these breakups feel harder are self-blame and confusion. Another reason that the narcissistic relationship ending feels harrowing is the self-blame and the confusion. After enough time in one of these relationships, you do believe, you really start to believe that you're the one to blame, or that at least that there is something you can do about it, one more chance to try and fix it, to even try and change them. This is an extension of the trauma bond. It has to be me. I can be better. I can, I can be everything they want. On top of that, the confusing and manipulative cycles leave us confused while we are in these relationships. So when it ends, that same confusion leaves us wondering if this was our fault.

Number three reason that these breakups are worse is that the fear is that the next person is going to get all the dazzling, interesting narcissistic stuff. Hope is a tough burden in the narcissistic relationship. We maintain hope that it could get better, and that can fuel the sunk cost fallacy that is every narcissistic relationship. "I've put so much into this, and I want those dazzling early days back. I want those happy and fun days. I want them back." Well, they happen, so they must be able to happen again. And then there's that fear that you don't want the next person to get that "zaza zoo" that you had in the beginning, that you don't want them to get that, that better version of them. A better version doesn't exist, but your heart doesn't believe that. And the fear that they will bring that love bombing to the new person, or move into a new relationship quickly, which they often do, means that either the fear or the reality that they could move on so fast takes a broken heart and breaks it again. In normal relationships, when they end, people do take a breath for a minute. If you actually really, really did love and care about someone, it's pretty hard to throw yourself into something new. For narcissistic people, relationships are about supply, and they need supply. So replacing your supply with new supply is just pretty much how it rolls.

Number four reason that these breakups are so much harder is the gaslighting. After your reality has been denied for so long, it's hard to know which way is up. You actually get indoctrinated into believing that you need the relationship, that there is something wrong with you. So when it ends, you may believe it ended for reasons that aren't true or even based in reality. You may even believe that they are good, you are bad, it's your fault, you can't live without it. Operating in this reality-stolen environment when the relationship ends, many people almost feel that they can't see the future. It's a bit like getting out of a cult. It's confusing and destabilizing, and every narcissistic relationship is basically a cult of two.

The fifth reason that these, the end of these relationships is so difficult, is that other people don't get it. And the enablers out there. The narcissistic person is no fool. In fact, they're often quite quite smart. They are actually good at not only doing a number on you, but often rallying and currying the support of others. So when it's over, many people may find that they aren't able to find the shoulders to cry on or lean on, and may find that the narcissistic person is actually getting more support than you are. That not only doubles down on the confusion, but it can feel hurtful. People may even blame you if you get into a cycle of breaking up and making up, which is to be expected in any trauma-bonded relationship. Or people may think, "It must be you," because the narcissistic person is so charming, so charismatic, and so well put together, and you're the one that's so upset.

There are broken hearts, and there are broken hearts. While it is never healthy to have a pain competition, one person's broken heart can't say theirs is worse than another person's. I gotta say that the broken heart of a narcissistic relationship is at a whole different level. It's the broken heart where the confusion, hope, self-blame, and rumination just carry over into the post-breakup phase. It's a broken heart where you find yourself continuing to view yourself in a negative lens rather than through a self-compassionate one. And if you have been through a normal breakup and a narcissistic breakup, you definitely know the difference.

The broken heart of a narcissistic relationship ending is not just a broken heart. It's the theft of your identity, of your reality, of your perception, your experience. And it's an experience of hollowing out like no other. So lots of people will wonder, "I've had broken hearts before, and they didn't feel like this." And will often get confused and think, "Maybe I'm still in love with this person." When it's the narcissistic breakup, nah. When we leave healthy relationships, we may feel a sting. We may miss the person, but what doesn't happen is that our psychological insides don't get turned inside out where we don't know up from down. We know very much who we are. We may have just had a journey with that person and can let it go. Narcissistic breakups are a whole different thing. And it's not then the trauma bond makes you think that you just got to keep repeating that cycle. And many of you know that that cycle can last a really long time until you finally do land on that broken heart. And if you can get to the other side, that's where the real healing begins.

Just here's the bottom line: There is no easy way to leave a narcissistic relationship. I'm going to put this pretty simply. If you're the one who wants out, you're leaving. This relationship is going to go badly. And that right there is the challenge. If you were to take this, everything I've ever said on this YouTube channel, and boil it down to some fundamental truths, it really comes down to the idea that this personality style is not good for other people. Frankly, it's not really good for the people who have this personality style either. It's a style that doesn't change. There are lots of red flags, and other people enable it, and there's zero incentive for them to change. And it will always end badly.

So let's talk about when it's you who wants out of a narcissistic relationship, because there is no easy pathway out. If you want out and the narcissistic person really doesn't, then you are in for the most epic psychological battle of your lifetime, and you will be left battle-scarred and upside down. This is a very important video because I know a lot of you are wondering what happens if I leave. So much of the struggle around this comes from the key error that any of us who have ever been in a narcissistic relationship has ever made early in the relationship. All of us saw red flags and we all said, "Well, let's just take a wait and see. I don't want to be that judgy." That wait and see is costly. In general, the earlier you get out, the less damaging a narcissistic relationship will be. And maybe a better way to put it is the less entangled you are, the less damaging it will be.

So what constitutes entanglement? Things like children, money, a shared residence, shared friends, connections to your respective families, shared work, shared business. It's often the pragmatic, practical stuff that can make disentangling really complicated and create more barriers and more challenges, as well as more weapons that the narcissistic person can use against you because of how heavily invested you have to be in the relationship. But any battle is all about preparation. And part of preparation is to know ahead of time how bad it's going to be when you decide to leave. Listen, you wouldn't want to wage a battle in the wintertime without proper boots and coats. You wouldn't want to wage a battle near the sea without boats. You have to be prepared for the conditions. Same thing applies here.

The fact is that you leaving is going to go so badly. Well-intentioned and well-meaning friends and advisors will want to tell you, "Oh, come on now." And I get it, it's going to be hard to leave, but maybe it won't be that bad. I'm here to tell you it will be that bad because I'm actually getting tired of watching people not be prepared for this mess. Whether these are divorces or people just ending any kind of relationship or leaving workplaces or separating from families, it will go badly. Like I said, knowing that can help you prepare.

So let's break down the why. Why does it go so badly? We forget how much narcissistic people are impacted by abandonment. Narcissistic personality is a personality pathology or a maladaptive personality characterized by instability, insecurity, inadequacy, and abandonment activates lots of ego crises for them. Listen, nobody likes it when somebody in their lives that they didn't intend to lose gets up and leaves. But healthy people cope with that. They have the resilience to grieve it, they can even take some responsibility for it, and then let it go without causing harm to themselves and to others. That's not what you're going to see in these kinds of high-conflict personality styles like narcissism. The entitlement, the difficulty in seeing people as anything more than objects that feed their needs, that means that when someone leaves them, they're losing lots of stuff. They're losing narcissistic supply. They're losing the convenience of having you around. They're losing something that they believe they invested in.

It is not unusual for people with narcissistic personalities to view the people in their lives as investment accounts or stocks that they put resources into and subsequently, like any investment, expect dividends from. If you leave, it's like them taking a bath on that investment. And one way or another, you are going to pay. Now, that abandonment and the shame and the disappointment and the frustration that are activated by it bring out rage. And this rage is part of a much larger system of vindictiveness. "If you upset me, you're gonna pay a thousand times worse." Right? This abandonment, shame, rage, vindictiveness cycle is what fuels the entire downward spiral after someone ends a relationship with a narcissistic person. This is where all of the fallout happens: the litigation, the custody battles, the arguing over finances, the stalking, and even at times violence.

The fear created by the cycle that goes from shame to vindictiveness can actually keep some people stuck in narcissistic relationships because, frankly, they're so scared of the fallout that they can see coming. And they can pull some people back in so they can appease the narcissistic person. And they're just afraid, rightfully so, of the cycle that's unfolding in front of them. There is no avoiding this cycle. Once it's on, it's on. Some people will spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on legal fees and divorces. Some people will lose a lot of money when these relationships split. Some people will live in the traumatic fear induced by stalking and constant, unremitting emails and texts and phone calls and whatever form of surveillance is being used. And some, tragically, will be physically harmed or worse.

Another pattern that will unfold if you try to leave that also involves the vindictiveness is that they will use your vulnerabilities against you. And I'll have a more robust video on this issue coming soon as well, because it's a very important issue to sort of flesh out. After however many months or years you were in some form of relationship with this person, you may have shared your vulnerabilities. It's a normal thing to do. You may have shared your fears, hopes, traumas, core wounds, pressure points, again, a very normal thing to do in any kind of close relationship or friendship. And the narcissistic person must put them into some dark corner of their brain with surgical precision. When you decide to start pulling away and leave, they will weaponize these vulnerabilities and will attack you with them relentlessly. They will mock you about your traumas. They will insult people dear to you. They will impugn your integrity. They will criticize and devalue roles you take in your life, roles you hold dear, such as being a parent or your job. They will mock your appearance. I mean, nothing, nothing is sacred to them.

You may be even may even be able to go try to go deep on this one, right, and not personalize. But you are, all of us, me, you, all of us, you're a human being. And reading and hearing this kind of poison over and over again, it will definitely take a toll on you. You will find yourself ruminating, distracted, perhaps even feeling a depression, fearful, just around the sound of a text message notification or looking at your own inbox. And there is an unrelenting nature to these attacks. I have had clients come into my office and share with me the emails and messages that they've received. Just hand me their phone. I wasn't even the recipient of these messages, and I felt sick to my stomach reading them. It is almost unfathomable to imagine what someone receiving these messages regularly, what that would feel like.

But it's not enough for them to just make your life miserable. Then they up the ante. They start sending similar messages to other people who are close to you or who care about you. Now, some of this will be in the guise of the smear campaign. They will tell anyone who knows you or knows about you and will stand still long enough to listen to them, share all kinds of terrible things about you, true things, untrue things, it doesn't matter. They'll tell anyone who'll listen. The narcissistic person's stories will be so insistent that some, in fact, more than some people hearing these stories will believe them. And honestly, you know what? When this happens, it is a great time to clean house. Anyone who falls for this stuff, it's time to give them the old heave-ho. But again, it brings up even more grief. Not only have you ended the narcissistic relationship, you aren't just losing the narcissist, which is ultimately a good thing, you are losing other people. Other people you once valued as well.

They will also send toxic messages to people in your circle, maybe family, friends, colleagues, sometimes even attacking them, your family and friends and colleagues, attacking them for their lack of loyalty to the narcissist, as well as other character attacks. For many people out there who go through this, they feel as though they can withstand the narcissist attacks. But when it brings in the people that they care about, who are not even a part of the conflict between you and the narcissist, I can really bring out a new level of rage in you and a real desire to get really amped up and say, "I just want to shut this person down." The good thing is that once they go public or go widely with these terrible things they're saying about you, you may have some legal recourse. As always, save everything you get from them and contact an attorney if you have the resources to do so, as in some cases, not all, but in some, there may be legal remedies to address some of this abuse. Narcissists are clever. They know how to just sort of fly right under that legal line, though.

There is a moment. It's a unique moment. And remember these moments actually from growing up back East where we actually had real weather out there. It would be that six to eight hours right before a hurricane would hit, or the night just as a blizzard was coming in. It's a quiet. Who knows? Maybe it's the falling barometric pressure, but you can feel something. The shoe about to drop, but it hasn't yet. There's a unique stillness right before these storms, a smell in the air. That moment reminds me of the quiet moment before the storm erupts when you leave a narcissistic relationship. I walk so many clients through this, and I feel it with them. I know what they're about to enter. They don't. I don't know. It's kind of like The Lord of the Rings. If poor Frodo knew what he was getting into, I'm not so sure he would have done it.

Now, many people, once they're out of these relationships, really out, they look like the walking wounded. They have binders full of emails and texts and voicemail transcripts and other documents. This is an experience that will leave you looking visibly aged. There is a grief that sets in, and a vigilance, and a traumatic reaction as well. There may be real fallout: lost relationships with family, destroyed children, financial ruin, a life they no longer recognize. But interestingly, despite the ruin, all survivors are able to exhale and say, "Oh my gosh, at least they aren't in my life anymore." However, there are some who say, "I'm not so sure all of this was worth it. Maybe I could have just white-knuckled it a little longer. It wouldn't have been much of a life, but I'm wrecked."

Each story is very different. Some of you may be wondering, "What if the narcissist is the one who wants to leave?" All I can say to that is, consider yourself lucky and be done with it. I know it hurts. I know you feel left. But it's good. Some people fight to keep the narcissist in their lives from a place of pride, or perhaps maybe even from their own fear of abandonment or being alone. If they leave, you are lucky. Now they're someone else's problem. Enough said. Honestly, that's not what this video is about. This is about when you want to leave.

I don't know the right answer. It's different for every circumstance. It's so tragic to stay in one of these narcissistic situations is to have to completely disconnect from your true self to survive. It's just basically robotic survival to stay in these relationships. Some people have to stay. They do. And they try to find beauty in small moments, a walk, friends, hobbies, but they recognize it isn't a full life. People who are stuck in these relationships exhale on the good moments when the narcissist isn't around. But others say that the dangers to their health and their well-being aren't worth it, and they're willing to take their chances and withstand the rigors of getting out.

The one thing I can promise is that if you are the one to leave, unless you are the unicorn, and none of us are, it will go badly. It doesn't mean you shouldn't go. It means, like in most of life, I need you to be ready and be prepared. Have your ducks in a row, your supports in place, document the hell out of everything, and keep those documents in a safe place. Seek out advocates and legal guidance as needed. And even with all of that, recognize that psychologically, this is going to be a nightmare. But I gotta tell you, I've seen countless numbers of people do it. It is a heroic journey. And if you decide to do it, you can. I'll keep making content to help you, but you can just keep your eyes open and your expectations clear. And anyone who tries to soften it and say, "Uh, no, no, maybe it won't be so bad," it will be so bad. So when it is so bad, doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It means that this is a hard thing to do. Thanks again.