Transcription
[Music] All right, let's run out to Jasper, Indiana, and talk to Shannon.
What's up, Shannon?
Hi, how are we doing? I am so nervous. I didn't think I was, but wow. Okay, don't listen. One day I'm just gonna have a show of all the people I dated in high school and middle school. Not all of them, just some of them, and they're going to tell some stories, and then no one's ever going to be nervous again. I'm just a goofball of the podcast, man. I'm glad you're with us. What's up?
Okay, so I've been listening to the show for probably a year now, and I have a question that I can't seem to answer myself, and it keeps popping up. And okay, I don't know what you always talk about in your everything, what you want your life to look like, what you want your picture to be, what you picture, what you want, etc. How do you find what you want? I don't know what I want. I know what I don't want. But how do you strive for a life that you want? Because I could dream all day long, but it's not going to be realistic. Why not? Because I'm not a millionaire living on a beach with no responsibilities because all my nannies and housekeepers take care of everything. So if you were to, um, actually go there in your fantasy life, this is a great question, by the way. Um, and not in your fantasy like, not that life, but like your fantasy life, like, is that what you would want? No, to sit on a beach and literally do nothing while people just handed you drinks because the research tells me that would be amazing for about four days. But how do you set realistic wants, near your picture realistically in your own daily life? Why are you? I, I, I'll answer that question because I think there's some really, there's some really simple ways to get there. But I'm, I'm hung up on your hang-up on the word "realistic." Because everyone goes to work, and you get home, and you have two hours with the kids, with eating and homework and bedtime, and then before you know it, it's 9:00, and it's like, wow, that escalated. Where did that go? Um, okay, I guess we'll just unwind and do it all again tomorrow. Like the way you just described that sounds miserable. Well, that makes me sad. Well, I, I think you're somebody who is so, so fun to be around. Is that true? Like, do people like hanging out with you? Yes. Okay. And I think you're really talented at hiding from yourself. Is that fair? Very. Yes. So, and listen, I can tell by the tone of your voice because here's why. In counseling, they train us that everything is data. Okay? So if somebody's talking to you and you find yourself like, you keep getting distracted, distracted, distracted, there's a chance that that's that person experiences that with everyone they talk to. That everyone they talk to is just bored out of their mind. And so a good counselor will say, hey, do people say you're boring? Or people struggle to pay attention to you? You instantly, I'm drawn to you. Okay? Like your vocal inflection, you sound fun. I, I, I guarantee you people want to hang out with you. Okay? So my question is this, why are you hiding from, or a better word is, why are you settling for this? Like, what has happened to bring you to this moment where you're, you think, "This is just the way this is going to be"? How do you balance your responsibilities as a wife, a mom, an employee with fun? Because you know what's fun. That, that, a lot of things are fun. Rattle them off because I don't believe you. Rattle them off. What's fun? Well, they are fun, but then you throw the kids in the family. Ah, see, there you go. This is just the way this is. What is fun for Shannon? And I'm, I'm not picking on you. I'm heading somewhere with this. Like, I mean, I have fun at the concerts, eating snacks with my friends in our pajamas, you know, but it's so hard to balance everything. Yes. And I will tell you that balance is a 100% lie. There's no such thing. No such thing. It's a complete and utter manufactured, um, lie. It's a marketing slogan that's been sold, particularly to wives, increasingly towards men, but for the last hundred years, particularly to wives, um, that you can do it all, have it all, feel it all, experience it all, love it all. And if you're off in any of those, it's because you need a new gadget, a new toy, a new thing, or because you suck and just need to get better. And it's nonsense. It's just nonsense. So here's, I'm, I'm gonna start with this, and then I'll actually get to your actual question. Okay. Okay. Um, the greatest gift you can give your husband, the greatest gift, is having something that you're truly passionate about, that you're plugged into, that you love, that lights you up. The greatest. If you don't know what that is, we'll get there. I, I'll show you. I'll show you how to get there. The greatest thing you can give your kids is you having friends that you go to concerts with. Not all the time, and abandon your children. That's not what I'm talking about. But people that you go hang out with, people that bring you joy and laughter and make you feel alive. That's the greatest gift. Because that makes you non-anxious. That makes you non-electric. Or in your case, that makes you non-dynamic. This just the way this is. Low-level depression all the time. Yes. Right? Yes. And the kids absorb that. Your husband absorbs that. And I'm just going to throw something out there. You can say, "No, you're kind of missing the boat here." Your husband tries to get it back through sex, or through some sort of adventure, or he has created a life of his own. The kids, okay, your kids either bury their faces in electronics, or they try to cure you through, "Hey, Mom, hey, Mom, hey, Mom, hey, Mom." Yeah. Okay. So here is a great way. I think you're on to it. You're so close to it. You're looking past it. You ever have, like, your kid like is like, "Mom, where's the fork?" And you're like, "Right there," and they're like, "Where?" And their hand is one centimeter from it. That's you. Okay. I don't want you to think that you're malfunctioning, you're broken, or you have a hundred miles to go. You don't. You're right there. Tell me some things in your life you're sick of that you don't want. That's a long list. Give me five of them. Rattle them off, top of your top of your mind. Doesn't matter whose feelings you think you need to protect. You've been protecting people's feelings your whole freaking life. And just for this one call, just stop. Tell me what you're sick of. Being boring. Being bored at home. Okay. Just the, everybody just being so grouchy. Okay. Is everybody mostly your husband? All, all three. My husband and kids. Okay. I'm so excited to go home, and you open the door, and it's just like, "Whoa." Yeah. What else? What are you tired of? I don't know. What do you not want? You started the call like, "I don't know what I do want, but I know what I don't want." What do you not want? I just want people to be fun to be around. It's, the day doesn't have to end at 9 or 10 or whatever. But it does in real life because you have to do it up and do it all again. I don't want a non-ending party, but I just feel like everyone's down. Okay, that's silly. No, it's, listen. What you just described in a beautiful way, I would suggest most of America's experiencing it. Almost everybody is just sick of it. And if we go all the way to the halls of politicians, nobody will tell us what they're for. They will only tell us why everyone else is awful. And in, all the way down to our local communities, nobody will do anything but yell and scream and fight and be angry. And inside our homes, everyone's just not happy. And I don't mean happy in fireworks and marshmallows and, you know, and cigarettes when you're in high school. I'm talking about happy like they don't like the lives they've created for themselves. Right? Yes. Then they're grouchy about it. Okay. You, that's a perfect word. Everyone is Oscar the Grouch. And so here's the exercise. Okay, reverse it. It, it, I, I envy people who can just be like, "I want this, and I'm going to go get this." That's just not how I work in my life. I got sick of being unable to sleep, and I got sick of my wife and my kids having to create a life away from me because I was so anxious and electric all the time. And so in this situation, I'm your husband. I'm so sick of being so grouchy in my own home. How do I stop this? I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew I had to stop feeling like this. And so reverse engineering is a great way to find out. You're not that far off. But I want you to spend some time actually writing down, "What am I tired of in my own home?" Because if you have a house surrounded by grouchy people, and you are, your natural inclination is laughter and joy and let's go do something fun, or "My gosh, the kids are in bed, let's close the door and peel the wallpaper off this place." "I, I just want to, I got to do some work, honey." And you feel trapped in your own home, then your body just shuts the whole thing down, right? Yes. Okay, let's reverse engineer it. Let's write down, and let's be honest for probably the first time. And you said there's a long list. I want you to make that long list. "Tired of everybody being so bored and grouchy." "I'm tired of not having enough money for this." "I'm tired of, I just can't handle." Write that crap down. And then I want you to make a column that's one column. And then next to it, you can do an Excel spreadsheet if you're a super nerd, or you can do it on a yellow pad if you're from the 14th century like me. And I want you to just draw a line to the things that you can actually do something about. Okay? So that's step one. What of these things that I want to be different in my life can I actually do something about? Okay, that's step one. Here's step two. The more the things, the more it ends up in accusation land. So you take your husband out for breakfast or for lunch, like I always tell everybody to do, and you say, "I need you to stop doing this, and stop doing this, and stop doing this." Well, now you started throwing punches, and he has to swing back, or he has to turtle up and just take it. Okay? So I don't want you to start with, "You need to do A, you need to do B, you need to do C." I want you to start with something completely different. And I've talked about this a little bit publicly, and I need to do a better job of it. When my wife sat across the table from me, and this is years ago, and we were deciding, "Are we, like, grown-ups? Are we still going to be married? Like, let's be adults. Is this, is this where this thing ends?" And we both agreed, "No, this is where this thing's going to restart and be reimagined." But when we did that, we started with something that is very not me, and is very not her. We started with our feelings first. "How do I want this house to feel when I walk into it?" And then from the feeling part, "What has to be true?" And so I said, "I want to feel safe in my own body, in my own house." Because I grew up in the house of a homicide detective, and at any moment, it could all come down, right? I wanted a couple of acres, and I wanted a huge garden, and I wanted to become a better hunter. Does that mean I'm a little bit of a prepper? A little bit chill, Shannon, right? But my wife said, "Cool. So here's what has to happen for them. We have to make X amount of dollars, which means for a season, we have to sacrifice X, Y, and Z for that to happen." When we had that conversation, and we had a roadmap, it didn't start with, "You need to make more money," or "I need to work more." It started with, "I want to feel safe." And my whole body went, "Whoosh." And both of us said, "We want when we open our front door, we want our house to feel, um," or actually, when we come up, we have a long driveway into the woods. I mean, there is banjo a plan out there, and you turn into our long driveway. My wife said, "I want to feel like I'm coming home." And I said, "When we open the front door, I want it to feel like laughter and warmth." So what has to be true? She said, "When you get home before me, will you turn the porch lights on so I can see him coming from half a mile away?" Done. For it to feel warm and full of laughter, the house can't be full of dishes, John. You can't have piles all over the freaking house. Can't be dirty clothes just dry dropped from the opening to the front door all the way to back. Done. See what I'm saying? So the question is, sitting down with your husband, saying, "What has to be true in this home that you don't have to feel so grouchy?" Or, "What, what has to be true in your life that makes you have to treat our kids like this, treat me like this, treat the sacredness of our home like this?" And we're going to start with feelings first. Does that make sense? Yes. Why does that scare you so much? Because my husband has a lot of ability to shut it down without proceeding as an adult. Yeah. So here's the problem. You have to make space where your husband won't come along for the ride. And I want to challenge you to tell him, "I, me, and our kids cannot accept what may become verbally abusive. We can't. I'm asking you not to shut down when we have this conversation today. Do you promise me that?" And if he says, "Uh-uh, I ain't doing that," then you know in your heart you got bigger issues in your marriage, right? Right. Do you have bigger issues in your marriage? Our biggest issue is communication. Okay. I think this is a great way to begin to get everybody on the same page, especially as we enter into a new year. And so when you sit down and say, "Hey, let's go on a long date, a two or three-hour date, preferably in the morning because people aren't exhausted." I want you to make a lot of "I" statements. "Here's what I want to feel like in my home." "Here's what I want our sex life to be like." "Here's what I want my relationship with our kids to be like." "I would love to hear from you, husband, what do you want this to feel like?" And then, "How do we combine these things, and how do we get there?" And if he shuts down and says, "This is stupid, I ain't doing this. My, oh my gosh, if you would just shut up, then none of this would happen." If that's the response, then you tell him, "I'm going to go see a counselor. This breakfast is over because this isn't working." And I'm not saying leave him. I'm saying you've got much bigger issues in your marriage because you have a man, a husband, who has no interest in loving his wife. You have a man or a husband who has no interest in building a long-term relationship with his kids. You have a husband who is interested in being a whiny brat. And husbands, if you're listening to this and you are a grouch, stop. Fix it. Get the healing you need. Oh, when I work hard, I get, "No, your kids don't deserve that. Your wife doesn't deserve that. Stop." So Shannon, my guess is there's a much bigger fish to fry here, but I think it's an amazing exercise for you to start. I'm going to send you a copy of "Building a Non-Anxious Life," my brand new book. I want you to use it as a roadmap. In my home, these six, these six stages, these six choices, where are we off? Actually, I'm going to send you two. Ask your husband if he'll read it with you. So I'm just asking you to love me enough just to read this book with me, and I want us to use these six daily choices as a roadmap to bring peace into our house. And tell him, "I love you so much that I want more for you in your life than you just to be exhausted and grouchy and not even like being in your own home. I want that to be different." Do you? Thank you so, so much for the call, Shannon. I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for you.