Transcription
Charlie. That tickles! Tickles! Uncle Charlie!
Not now, Jake. I just heard the fudge nuggets song you wrote on TV. Great. From a magic chocolate mountain. And a secret chocolate mine. From Granny's big fudge nuggets with a taste that's all so fine.
Jake, I'm not alone in here. No way. Way. Who's in there? A friend of mine. Is it a girl? Hold on. Oh, yeah. Is it Janet? No, it's my friend Wendy. Say hi to Jake, Wendy. Hi, Jake. You seem really well. I have to go. This is embarrassing. I like that you didn't lie to him. Well, I try to be honest. It's good quality. So who's Janet?
Hey, what are you doing? Picking out a shirt. Huh. That one looks nice. You like it? Yeah. Then no. Okay.
Uh, listen, I was wondering, do you have any plans for Thanksgiving? Ellen, I don't think that far ahead. It's this Thursday. No kidding. Didn't we just get through that whole pumpkin costume thing with the kid? Halloween? Yeah. Three weeks ago, huh? No, I got no plans. Why? Well, I was thinking, uh, Jake's going to be with his mom and her parents, and I thought maybe you and I could do something. Okay. Want to go to Vegas? Well, I was thinking something a little more traditional. Reno. Apparently it's a family holiday. Yeah. So I'm your family. Unless you want to spend a perfectly good Thursday with Mom the Impaler. Think we can get into the Bellagio? Leave it to me. Oh, that one's nice. Here's what we'll do. We'll fly to Vegas, have a big steak dinner, get you a lap dance and a bucket of nickels. What are the nickels for? I'll explain it on the plane. No, that sounds kind of fun. Two single guys rocking out in Vegas. The glitz, the glamour. Dude. Don't gay it up. You know I like this shirt much better. Stop screwing with me, Alan.
So, uh, who's the lucky gal? Remember Lisa? Lisa, who used to live here? Lisa? She lived here. She moved out. She lived here. I moved out at one point; neither one of us lived here. Yeah. That Lisa. Wow. So she's going to take you back again? Hey, who said she's the one who broke up with- Yeah, I'm hoping. Well. Good luck. Thanks. I've completely lost confidence in this shirt. Okay, after I get the tickets you line up for the popcorn while I go nail down some good seats. Oh, I want butter in the middle. Don't just let them squirt it on the top. Oh, and a large cherry Slurpee. And then you hold the seats while I go to the men's room, and then I'll do the same for you. And that way we can enjoy our drinks during the movie without fear. Got you. You're not going to do any of that, are you? Nope. So? So you want to go in there with no coordination? No. No strategy, just winging it. That's what I'm thinking. I have no faith in this at all. Now for her. I'd stand in line for a butter squirt. Yeah, she is a hottie. Hey, that's no hottie. That's your ex-wife. Judith? Alan. Sorry about the squirt thing. Wow, look at you. New hair. Clothes. You look. Wow. Thank you. No, no. Thank you. It's a public service when a gay chick goes lipstick instead of lumberjack.
So, uh, how was the movie? Where's Jake? Um, home with the babysitter. Alan, I'm kind of on a date. Oh, okay. Oh, uh, is that her? Hi. Nice to meet you. Uh, I'm the ex. Alan, that's not my date. Hey, Alan. Phil. What a coincidence. Uh, Phil is Jake's soccer coach. Phil, you remember Judith? Well, yeah, I- One Mississippi. Uh, Alan. What? Two Mississippi. Oh my God. Okay, we're all caught up. Wait wait wait wait wait wait. You're dating Phil? How can you be dating Phil? Well, Alan, he asked me out. What about the whole gay thing? Did you even give that a chance? Feel we'd better go. Hey, look, Alan, I hope this doesn't affect our friendship. No, no. Call me. We'll hang out. Great, great. Hey. How's Tuesday? Tuesday is good. Judith, how's Tuesday for you? Just walk away. I know you built your sundeck without a permit, and I am calling it in. Alan, chill. Two-faced wife-poaching soccer-coaching rat bastard! Come on, let it go. I'll treat you to a cherry Slurpee. I don't want a cherry Slurpee. Are you sure? Cause I think Phil's going to get one. Well, Judith, you can't have it both ways. Yeah, well, not if you want to stay in that house and drive that car. Then I have to live here to save money. No, no, I don't agree that he's a bad influence on Jake. Uh huh.
Uncle Charlie, I understand the point spread, but I'm still confused about the vig. Okay. Vig is short for Vigorish, and it means the percentage you pay to a bookie to take your bet. So it's better to be a bookie. Oh, my little boy is growing up. Judith, hang on. I have got to stop you here. Because right at this very minute, I am watching Charlie help Jake with math. Well, go ahead and call your lawyers. But I think I am well within my rights here. Well, well, I don't know what Jake is telling you about Charlie's dates, but he is a kid, and he blows things out of proportion. Well, if by nude swimming, you mean she had no bathing suit on whatsoever, then that never happened. Here. Try this. What is it? Just try it. Hey. That's good. Of course it is. It's chicken in from-under sauce. From-under sauce? Yeah, from under the toilet. Get it, Dad. Yeah, yeah, I get it. I got it 30 years ago. The first time you said it. Man. But it's new to him. Check this out. Hey, Jake, what do you call the red mushy stuff between the elephant's toes? What? Slow-moving natives? I love this kid. He's a comedy. Blank slate. Well, I'm glad you love him, but you might not want to share your chopsticks with him. I think he's coming down with something. Oh, no. He thinks it's a head cold, but it's snot. Wait a minute. You don't know that one either. Oh, I have so much to teach you, grasshopper. Do you know how to make arm farts? Charlie? Charlie, not at the dinner table. I'll show you later. Well, before I forget, you got plans for tomorrow night? No. Make some. I'm gonna need the house to myself. Fine. Don't you want to know why? Uh, Jake, if you're done, you can go to your room and start your homework. Oh, this is about sex, right? Kids today doesn't know from-under sauce, but gets why I need the house. Dude, I got a bunch of jokes you're going to love in a year or two. Cool. Go. You think I'm just a kid, but I'm snot. Wait. That's not right. Okay. You ever had revenge sex? Hang on. Jake, are you in your room? Yeah. Revenge sex? Is that anything like pity sex? A whole different animal. Let me break it down for you. There's this woman. Kathy lives up the beach. Beautiful woman. I've wanted her for years. Only one problem. She's married to kind of a friend of mine. Kind of a friend. Well, I never really liked him, but he had a hot wife. So the sanctity of marriage does slow you down a bit. I'm impressed. Thank you. But then I catch a break. He cheats on her with her best friend. She throws him out. So now I'm thinking she's going to want justice. Justice? Meaning revenge, sex with you. You see it too? Yeah. You're gonna exploit someone's anger and grief for your own animal gratification. I don't bet you buy your hobbies. Anyway, she's coming over here on Sunday, so I'm gonna need you to be out of the way, because we'll probably be moving from room to room. I'll catch a movie. Just mop up when you're done. I told you, don't take things off his plate. He's coming down with something. Relax. I never get sick. Boy, is he sick. Well, I can't say he didn't warn me. The kick is up. It's long enough. The kick is no good. Yes. Yes, yes. Yeah. Who won? Who cares, we covered the spread. Charlie, call me an old-fashioned dad, but I was hoping my son wouldn't start betting on sports until he was old enough to have a drinking problem. He didn't really make a bet. I just gave him a taste of my action. Nor do I want him tasting your action. Dad. Without action, there's no juice. All of a sudden, he's Frank Sinatra. Bet that's the pizza. What's the spread? Pepperoni. What's next, Charlie? Are you going to teach him how to shoot craps? He already knows how to shoot craps. I just wish I could teach him not to bet the hard eight. Mr. Harper. There you go. Nice and hot. I threw in some extra garlic puffs as well. Oh. Thanks, pal. Well, thank you, Mr. Harper. There's anything you ever need. Anything at all. Please call. You know, pizza, dry cleaning, pot. Women. How much do you tip him? I don't know, I gave him a 50. That's like a 300% tip. If you say so. I was never good at math. Well, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under and the vigorish on every football game in the country. What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind. There we go. Watch your step. I can't feel my face, Charlie. I just had two wisdom teeth pulled. Watch the drool. Whoa! Look at that. Oh, wow. That is a very sexy woman. I'm sorry that arouses you. How are you doing? Hey! Damn! Charlie! Walk away. Max. This could be interesting. You got a nice swing. Thanks. Pressed up and into it. You get more power in that way. You mean like this. Oh, yeah. Dial one in the area code because that is long distance. Charlie. Let's go. This woman is clearly a lunatic. Look at the passion. The fire. The ass! Is this your car? Do I look crazy to you? Well, frankly. What? So whose car is it? Cheating boyfriend? No. Psychiatrist. Charlie. Psychiatrist? What more do you need to hear? So you're beating up your shrink's car? He said I have anger issues. The quack. Then he hit on me. A horny quack. Hey, hold this for me. Oh, good. I'm on deck. Oh, man, this is going to take forever. Either one of you guys got an ice pick? Don't cars like this usually have an alarm system? Thanks a lot. Let's get out of here, Charlie. Hey! You're not just gonna leave me here, are you? Yes. Alan. Charlie. So how come Mushmouth gets shotgun? So, Frankie. Why didn't you tell us you had a daughter? Okay, guys, here's the deal. I didn't want you to know. Okay, I feel better. I'm sorry. It's a long story. We got time. I'm not doing anything. Alan, are you doing anything? No. I'm free. I was staying with my grandma and grandpa, who are really rich and they don't want my mom to have me, so they said she's crazy. That wasn't so long. Can we please talk about this later? Okay. What shall we talk about? Are you guys gay? Isn't she something?