You be you here. Just be comfortable. All right. Okay, here we go.

So, today is one of my favorite topics when it comes to training and coaching. It is about neural linguistic programming. All right, what are we going to cover today? We're going to talk about an introduction to NLP. We're going to talk about the communication model. We're going to spend lots of time on the communication model. We're then going to talk about presuppositions. Um, presuppositions about NLP. We'll do a case study. Um, we'll talk about some NLP techniques, which is going to be a reminder of things you would have learned maybe last week or so. And then, as always, Q&A. And don't forget, we're going to be coaching as well at the end of today.

So, my first question for you today is, before we even get started, does anybody in this room here know what NLP is? And if you do, or you don't, I'd love for you to share what you think it might be.

>> Karen. Karen has a head start here because Karen did something else with last before. [laughter] Um, so NLP is neural linguistic programming, and what it's trying to do is to try and help the subconscious thoughts, ideas, emotions get exposed so that you can work through them however you may need to work through them. It's probably that in a nutshell.

>> Amazing. Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you, Karen. Anybody else wants to add to that that may have heard? Thank you for joining us. Majin Mar, how do I pronounce your name correctly?

>> Yes. Hi, Praesh. It's Majabin.

>> Majabin. Awesome. Majabin, thank you for joining us. My name is Praesh. I'm based in New Zealand. I get to train you today. Um, Karen, fantastic. Anyone else that wants to think about what they've heard about NLP? Anyone else heard of NLP? But if you have heard of NLP before, like a random thought, like it's neural linguistic programming, right? So neuro, link to mind, linguistic, like speech. I'm just making things up. Um, but you know, like, probably to have like your thoughts and your speech aligned. Better. Just...

>> Hey, whatever you said is perfectly correct because you've done the exact definition of what neuro, you've taken the brain, you've taken language, programming, boom, exactly. And exactly what you've said, exactly is what happens with when you understand because, as Karen said, this is the awareness piece. So today, we're going to talk about NLP in a lot of depth. Um, but the one thing I do want to also explain that this is not an NLP training program, all right? So what we're going to do today is we're just showing you how NLP can be used in the ICF coaching world. NLP is a lot more deep and a lot, a lot of depth. So if you want to do more NLP stuff, then we recommend you find an NLP provider to do that there. But for now, we're going to just focus on what it means with an NLP in terms of ICF and coaching.

So, NLP, NLP, as you said, um, is exactly what you just said. We just break it right down. Neural linguistic programming. So, basically, neuro refers to the nervous system, the mind, the sense organs. It's how we receive information and, um, through our five senses. Linguistics is the way we communicate and interpret experiences through language, including, so, body language, images, sounds, feelings, tastes, and smells. And programming. So, we've just broken that right down into the three words. The way I like to think about it is neuron, the way we take things in. Linguistic, the language and the information we assign to it. And programming is how we react to it. So, something comes in, we give it a story, and then we send it out. Okay. In program. This is what NLP is. As Karen said, NLP, what it does is it basically helps understand how our thoughts and our words shape our reality. Okay? How our thoughts and our words shape our reality. When we recognize and understand these patterns, what happens then is we can change and think about how we communicate. We can think about how we can react, and we can think about, um, the power of success.

So, my first activity for you all today is I want you all to think about the power of words. And what I want to do is I want you all to tell me what emotion you feel when you hear the word failure. So, the first emotion that comes into mind when you think about the word failure...

>> Learning.

>> Is that the first emotion?

>> The first emotion.

>> And what the first...

>> Sadness. Yeah.

>> The first emotion?

>> Regret.

>> Regret. Sadness. Sadness.

>> Sadness.

>> Guilt.

>> Guilt. Guilt. Okay. Beautiful.

>> Stubbornness.

>> I don't like failure.

>> You don't like failure? So, you feel stubborn. Okay. I've never fa... Oh, fantastic. I love it. Now, we're going to change the word. And I want to change the word to what Fasil said. Learning. What emotion comes up when we think about the word learning?

>> Excitement.

>> Curious.

>> Curious. Happiness.

>> Happiness.

>> Yep. Happy.

>> Satisfaction.

>> Satis...

>> Satisfaction. Karen.

>> My first word was the same as Fasil's. Excitement.

>> Mine too. Mine too. Excitement. Yes.

>> Look at all you excited people. Fantastic. Now, think about this here. Fail. Failure and learning are two sides of the same coin.

>> Yeah.

>> The same coin, right? However, when we think about things, if we, if we're programmed to think about, if we haven't done something to the way we want to be, if we program ourselves to go to failure, we're going to feel all those emotions you all mentioned. But if we program ourselves to think about the word failure as a learning, the emotion will be very, very different. And I want to share a story very, very quickly. You'll find I like to tell stories. Does anyone know about Sarah Blakeley? Does anyone know who Sarah Blakeley is? Sarah, anybody? Sarah Blakeley is the founder of Spanx.

>> So, Spanx. So, I'll tell you a story about Sarah Blakeley. Sarah Blakeley, when she was growing up, her father, whenever her and her brothers came home from from school, the question her father would ask would be, "What did you fail at today?" "What did you fail at today?" And if they had nothing, he would say to them, "You have learned nothing today." Now, imagine how powerful that is when you're growing up. Now, let's fast forward to to when Sarah Blakeley, she was a, um, she used to go around, she used to sell, um, door to door selling. And when she was going on doing a door-to-door selling, she was very uncomfortable with what she was wearing. So, she cut off the pants, cut off the leggings, and created elastic leggings. And she went to maybe 30 or 40, um, producers and manufacturers, and everybody said no. She kept on failing every single time. But she took those each as a learning. She adjusted. She made a couple of things, and then she made it. She became the youngest self-made female millionaire. And she attributes it to the fact that when she was growing up, her father brought failure as a learning, not as a, not the other words that we had. So, this is just another way to look at how language, you, if you think about language, how language affects the way we react.

So, my challenge for you is, we think about, if you haven't done something really well, think about it as a learning. Now, this is, this takes a lot of unlearning as well to become learning. Yep. So, for those of you that have young people in your lives, my challenge for you is to maybe, maybe ask the question, "What did you fail at today?" And see what happens. Or even ask yourself, if you journal, "What did I fail at today?" And then, "What is the learning that I got from that there?"

>> I was going to say another sentence related to that you that you've said to me before and other people we both know said to me before is failure is not there, it's feedback. So it's, it's similar and the same, but it's also a different word.

>> That is still in the positive mindset. So that also really resonates.

>> Exactly. And you'll see later today where that comes from today because that's one of the things that NLP really teaches us, that failure is feedback, and feedback is a learning. Beautiful. What a great way to start. So you can see how just one word can change the emotion.

>> We've done nothing. We've just spoken for the last, what, 23 minutes, and you can see how the power of language can just really change up things. All right, back to my slides.

Okay, so now, the other way to think about this is the other way we think about NLP is, I love you to think about a time in your life where something happened and shifted the way you saw the world. So, I'm going to give you an example. We have two people. They're stuck in traffic. Okay? Stuck in traffic. Person number one, stuck in traffic, angry, frustrated. "Ah, what is going on here?" Person number two, same situation, same reality, and they go, "What a great thing. I can now listen to my favorite podcast." The situation is exactly the same, but their perspective is different. This, this all comes from the way we tell ourselves those stories there because the input is the same, but the programming is different, and the reaction becomes different. So, I'm sure in your life, there's things that have happened in your life where you've gone, "Right, cool. If my perception was different, or percept was different, I'd have a different outcome or different way to think about things." Okay.

So, as we start today's session, I want you to think about these three things here. Your thoughts shape your reality. What you focus on determines your experience. Okay? Now, the reason I say this is because your clients are going to come in with an experience, whatever they're going to come in in the first bit. And listen to their words because their words and their thoughts are going to shape their reality and shape their experience. Number two, like Karen said right at the start of today's session, words like "can," "should," "have to," "must." Words carry power, and a small shift in language transforms emotion. Failure, learning, massive shift in emotion. Today, as we go through NLP, it's going to help us think about how we, or your clients, can reprogram or change our mindset because when we become aware of our internal language, external results follow. Okay.

So, the way we think about this is through this bad boy here called the NLP communication model. You're going to see this a few times today. The NLP communication model is basically the foundational concept that explains how we process information. And this affects our thoughts. It affects our emotions. It affects the way we see the world. And when we, today, understand this model here, it'll help us, but also help our clients, and help us see the way we see our clients. Now, I want you to think about it in this way here. Every single one of us, in every moment, we have millions of bits of information coming towards us. Some say 250 million, some say 66 million. We don't actually know. There's just a lot of stuff coming at us. And we take it in through our senses. We either see it, we feel it, we touch it, we taste it, we sense it. And just remember, our lovely brain, as powerful as it is, cannot, cannot process and take in every single bit of information there. So, what it does is it filters that information. It takes some stuff, and it starts filtering it. Now, the NLP model, what we see in front of us, has three parts to it. It's got the external world, it's got the internal filter, and it's got the response or the behavior. So, what actually happens in the world? The second part is what our brain tells us based on our stories, based on who we are. And then the third part is the response or the behavior based on what our story is. Okay?

Now, I'm going to play a sound clip in a second. Okay? And when I play the sound clip, I just want you to try and imagine and write down the words that are being said. So, just listen to the words that are being said, and we're just going to give it a crack. Okay? So, I'm going to do this here. I'm going to get my sound playing. Can you hear that? Nothing. Okay, cool. No worries. I just have to change my Zoom sharing in a second. Stop share. Okay. I thought you were tricking us and it was actually a sound of silence. So, [laughter]

>> Maybe it was. Maybe it was. Karen's on to me, everybody. Karen's on to me. All right. Here we go. So, have a listen and then write down in the chat what you hear.

>> THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. That is embarrassing. That is embarrassing. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT is embarrassing. That is embarrassing. That is embarrassing. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. That is embarrassing. That is embarrassing. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. That is embarrassing. That is embarrassing. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. That is embarrassing. That is embarrassing. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. That is embarrassing.

>> What are the words? What are the words you can hear?

>> THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. That is embarrassing. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. That is what you hear. That is embarrassing. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. That is embarrassing. That is embarrassing. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. That is embarrassing. That is embarrassing. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. That is embarrassing. That is embarrassing.

>> This is exactly how my house was sounding a few days ago when we were into FIFA. So, it just sounds like a lot of chance and a lot of things in a FIFA field.

>> Yeah. So, did anyone notice when I play the different words that the, your brain heard different things?

>> No, I hear any words. All I could hear was sounds.

>> That's fine. That's all cool. That was sounds. That's fine. Moshian, you notice how your, you started seeing different things. So, basically, I'll show you what was happening.

>> Yeah.

>> So, there was some noise being made. Ellen heard sounds. Um, so I thought it was the FIFA woke up again coming alive. Um, because we love that. What was the words that were being said was actually a football chant. Okay. It was a football chant. And I'm going to show you what was being said. So, this was what was, this was it. The words were, "That is embarrassing." However, I want to show you that if your brain focuses on any one of those words, it says that and hears that.

>> That is embarrassing. Baptism.

>> So, my, in my challenge for you is, just focus on one of these. So, focus on baptism, piracy, and see what your brain says. So, focus on any one of those things and see what it hears.

>> THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. That is embarrassing. That is embarrassing. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. THAT IS EMBARRASSING. That is embarrassing. That is...

>> Did anyone notice how when you look at different words, your brain tells you a different story? So, this is what is happening with us every single day. We're taking in lots of information, but our brain can be fooled. So, what we're actually hearing or seeing might not be actually what we're hearing and seeing. So, in that example there, when we do it in a, in a, in a live session, the words change, the brain changes, because our brain just takes information and tries to make life easy for it. Okay, that's what it does there. Another, another example that I want to share with you is going to be about, let's go here, right here. This is the communication model again. Now, I'm going to break this right down into what is actually happening. I want you to think about, in another, in another example here. Imagine each one of you walks into a meeting. Okay? And imagine that your boss greets you. Your boss greets you with a neutral expression. Excellent event. The boss greets you with a, excellent event, neutral expression. This is the raw event. Neutral expression. The boss. Something that has no meaning attached to it. However, the way you experience it depends on what happens next. It depends on what your brain does. So, it goes in, takes in the information, and these are the filters that come into play. So, what happens now is your brain processes this event through a set of internal filters. And these filters are going to determine what information you focus on. Okay? And that's going to depend on how you interpret it. And it's going to depend on your reaction. There are three main filters that play every single day with each one of us. Okay.

The first filter is the deletion. And in this filter, what happens is our brain removes or ignores certain details. Let's go back to our example. The boss comes in, greets you with a neutral, neutral expression. Your brain will have deleted the fact that your boss was neutral to every single person in the office when they came in, not just you. Okay? The second one that happens is distortion, or may happen, is we change reality to fit our sense of being, our sense of beliefs, and our sense of expectations. So, the boss, let's go back to the boss. They greet you with a neutral expression. Your brain distorts it and it says to you, "The boss is upset with me." Even though there's zero evidence of that there. Okay? Then the third thing that happens is generalization, or may happen, is we apply past experiences to a current moment. So, for example, let's just say you had an experience of another boss who used to be neutral when they greeted you, and that meant they were upset. You've taken that story and you've given it to this situation here. So, remember, the boss has greeted you neutrally. That's it. Nothing else has happened. But in your brain, you've had an experience where one of your bosses, when they greet you neutrally, it meant they were angry with you. So, you've taken that and you've done that there. And all of these things, the deletion, the distortion, the generalization, happens because of a range of different things. It happens because of language, habits, beliefs, values, attitudes, memories, the time, space, matter, the energy, feeling, but each one of those affects it. So, in this room at the moment, there are a few of us, and we can all take that very same situation and we can delete, distort, and generalize it in our own way.

What happens then? What happens then is, based on your interpretation of this event, which happens in your brain here, you respond. If you believe your boss is upset, you might react with anxiety. You might react with avoidance or defensiveness, even before they say anything. If you interpret it as neutral, you just carry on with your life. Just whatever, normal. The key thing to remember is that our responses are based on our perceptions, not reality itself. Write this down here. Every single one of us, our reactions are based on our perception, not reality. And this is why two people, or three people, or football can experience the same event and see things differently. And this is why the power of coaching comes into play because a client is going to come into you with their story, which has been deleted, distorted, and generalized. And you, as a coach, are going to present questions that are going to help them unddelete, undistort, and ungeneralize. And for those of you that have coaching experience before, you can see how this has happened in your life. Maybe, hopefully. Any questions, comments, thoughts here? Anybody want to share any, any examples in their life where this has happened?

>> I can, I definitely relate to the, you know, second-guessing somebody's motives or or feelings. Um, and, you know, having a level of self-awareness to realize that actually my, my paranoia or my anxiety or my insecurity is at play. And, and, and it may well not be the case with the, that the, that the other person is, you know, ignoring me or feeling a certain way. Um, so I, because I, I recognize that. Um, I guess I'm trying to get my head around how would I, how will I use that in coaching? I guess you're going to talk to how we, how we apply this in a practical way.

>> Yeah. I don't want to jump ahead.

>> Are you, are you, are you generalizing there, Elaine? Are you generalizing that in any webinar you've been to, someone's planted something and they're going to explain later on? Is that a generalization? Maybe. [laughter]

>> You're right. [gasps]

>> It's a generalization right there. That's happening all the time. Happens all the [laughter] time.

>> Beautiful. Anyone else that wants to share an example? I'm going to give you a classic example right now today. When you all logged on, you all logged on thinking you were coming on to see Sarah, and then you saw me, and you may have thought, "What's going on here?" Some of you like, "Oh, this is fine. This is normal." And some people like, "I'm in the wrong session," because our brain is telling us something else. Our brain is going, "Oh, wait a minute. I've deleted the fact that it's not me, or it's not Kata. It's not Sarah. And I've generalized the fact that it should be one of them, but there's some random guy here." This is happening all the time to us. All the time to us.

Another example for you is, here's a question for you. Imagine, not imagine, how many of you have texted a friend or a family member or close, or a close contact, and they haven't replied to you straight away, or pretty quickly? What stories do you tell yourself when that happens?

>> Sana, what do you tell yourself?

>> They've had an accident. Something's wrong. Uh, I said something wrong, or their child is sick. Yeah. A million things. It depends on, um, how the dynamic is going. So, depending on that, I would make up a story. If it's all going smooth, then, um, I, I give myself some logical explanations, like they might be busy, it might, they might have missed it, or something. But, uh, if the relationship is not going as smooth, then, uh, I might make up some negative story that they avoid me, or maybe, you know, uh, they need their time, they need the space, maybe I should step back. So, if it's all positive, I might check back again on them. But if it's negative, I might not check in again. So, yeah.

>> And again, it's positive or negative based on your story.

>> Absolutely. Absolutely. It's all in my head. It's all from coming from me. Yeah.

>> That's right. Anybody else wants to share everything that's happened in their life when they've...

>> Somebody, I would like to comment on this. So, um, I agree with what, um, Ela and, uh, Sana had to share earlier. It used to happen that way. And then, yes, due to very intentional thinking, I sort of like evolved it into that. The minute my brain is going to go into a negative loop, that why is it, for example, my friend, my sister, my mother, any, anybody close that I've texted and hasn't responded after a certain, then I just text them once that, "I hope all is well." And, uh, you know, that way, it's, it's more for me, less for them. And that way, I'm just, you know, sort of like converting that negative thought into a positive one. And this just putting it out there that, okay, I'm, I'm just a little concerned that you haven't responded yet. I hope all is well, because that's what the brain automatically, you know, uh, gets in the loop for. And, uh, that way, I feel that it, it sort of like pings the person again, and if they're okay, they'll just, yeah, "All okay, be right back," or "I will respond back," or whatever. And then immediately, you're like, "Yeah, take your time, no worries, no rush." So, yes, uh, because I think innately, it's the, it's the expectation. So, like you also mentioned that you came in today, and perhaps you weren't expected. So, and the boss example as well, I feel that, you know, it's our expectation that, okay, we are, we expect to be perhaps be responded to differently, treated differently, or not the way that we thought that, okay, the response will come. So, I think it's, it's that gap, uh, between expectation and reality, and what's going on in the other person's reality, uh, which needs to be bridged and to be contextualized in order for us to, uh, understand that it's okay. You know, it's all right.

>> Yeah. And it's powerful because that bridge is broken down or damaged, not because of us or anything they've done. It's because we are living in two different perceptions of our reality. And I think when we think about, if the biggest thing about NLP is, when I did my NLP training many years ago, it made me realize that actually, it's not what I see that matters, it's what I don't see. It's all the stuff here that really matters. Right? 'Cause we all see stuff, right? It's what we don't see that matters. Which is why coaching comes into play. In coaching, a client is going to see what's in front of them, but also the story they've told themselves about what's in front of them. Because what's in front of them versus what the story is, are two different things. And those of you that come into any coaching session, or have done a coaching session, or been involved in coaching, or even, or been coached, is you will say something, and your coach will say, "But what about this angle here? I never thought about that." Because your brain has already told your story, and because you've got your language, your habits, all those other crazy things that happen there, you can't see beyond it unless you have intentional, intentional thoughts about that. And today, we'll show you how that happens as well with your clients, but also for yourself as well. And it happens to us all the time, right?

>> Can I ask a question, please?

>> No.

>> I'd still want to, please.

>> Do you know what with me? If anybody says, "Can I?" The answer is always going to be no, because you want me to word it. Then I, I have, I have a question.

>> How do you feel about me asking a question here if I'm, feel I feel terrible. I have a question.

>> Do you notice what happened there? It's language again. What? Can I shut you down straight away?

>> Yeah.

>> Sorry. You're going to, you're going to tell Kij, "Get rid of K, she's, he's a..." [laughter]

>> Not so, I'm just thinking that, um, this thing is, is could it be a way of putting myself in self-doubt as well, all the time? Because some, either of the situation is a reality, right? And if I'm constantly thinking that maybe it's just me, no, maybe this is not the reality, this is just my perception, this is not the reality. How would I come to terms that, okay, this is actually it, that's happening? I don't know if I'm able to phrase it properly, if I'm able to get my meaning across. But, um, this is what I mean, because I am a person of a lot of self-doubt. And when I see a certain situation, I'm always thinking, is it just me, or is somebody else feeling the same way? Uh, because there is a reality out there. Like, in, in, for example, the boss's example, there is going to be either of a situation, either the boss is mad, or the boss is indifferent, or, you know. But how would you determine, or how would you come to terms with the reality there, if you're in a constant self-doubt that it's just me generalizing, or it's just me distorting, or it's just me deleting?

>> Fantastic. What a, what a, what a, what a great, great, great, great question there. Now, a lot of us go through self-doubt at some point in our lives, at some point. At some point, some of us keep going through the loop, some of us don't. It doesn't actually matter, but at some point, something gives us doubt. Where does that come from? It comes from because there's been an experience. Something has told us that there, something has made us feel that there, because none of us comes into the world with doubt. None of us. But something has done that for us. So, it comes down to the programming, the memories, the values that have come through with us. So, when you're in that situation, my challenge for you, or for your client as well, is to ask for evidence. "Give me evidence that shows the contrary." Because it's very easy for us, for our brain to find evidence that is going to support us. The way, the way I like to explain it right now is, if you think about Google, Google will give you an answer to everything. Whatever you ask, it's going to find an answer. Is the earth flat? You'll find a thousand answers for, "Yes, the earth is flat." Is the earth a hexagon? Yes, you'll find that there, right? Because it's like the brain, it's just going to give you what you want to hear. But if you ask for the opposite in yourself. So, Sana might go, "I have self-talk." But when in my life did I have self-talk, but I actually achieved? Ah, there's evidence there. And if there's no evidence, you're going to say, "What stopped that from happening?" Which is a question you can ask your clients as well. "What stopped happening?" Is actually because I had no resources. I didn't have any money. I didn't have any friends. So, then it's not about you. It's the resources that you don't have at that point in time. And you learn about that today's session as well. Does that make sense, Sana?

>> Yes, it does. It does. Thank you very much.

>> No worries. No worries. So, with this, with this model here, what we're seeing is this happens all the time, right? This is, this is a reality. It's not a maybe. It's not an if, but it's not a maybe. It's, it's a fact of life. We're going through this all the time. We get something, we delete, we distort, we, we generalize. It happens all the time. That affects our behavior. When we pattern interrupt, which is what we'll teach you about today, this is when you are going to be questioning the client about each one of those there. But what's the three main takeaways right now from this model here? Is the fact that our perception, like we said, Sana, and Elaine, and, um, uh, everyone actually has said, is our perception of reality is filtered through our experiences, beliefs, and our emotions. Number two, miscommunication often happens in life because people interpret the same thing differently. And in a coaching session, this is going to be the crux of most things. Miscommunication happens because people interpret the same things differently. And the third one is, for ourselves and for your clients as well, we can, and which is what Karen said right at the start, is we can improve our communication and emotional intelligence by questioning our automatic assumptions. Each one of us, we heard the word assumption at the start, which is fantastic. Each one of us has automatic assumptions. We do, you know, whether we like it or we don't like it, we assume. It's just innate. Do we pause, give ourselves some silence to go, "Is it assumption, or is it reality? And whose reality is it?"

And to give you an example of this, we are going to do a class activity right now. So, I'm going to read a story, or you can actually read it yourself, and then we'll tell you what to do.

Once upon a time, there was a woman named Abigail who was in love with a man named Gregory. Gregory lived on the shore of a river. The river, which separated the two lovers, was teeming with man-eating alligators. Abigail wanted to cross the river to be with Gregory. Unfortunately, the river had been washed out. So, she asked Sinbad, a riverboat captain, to take her across. He said he would be glad to if she would consent to go to bed with him preceding the voyage. She promptly refused and went to a friend named Ivan to explain her plight. Ivan did not want to be involved at all in the situation. Abigail felt her only alternative was to accept Sinbad's terms. Sinbad fulfilled his promise to Abigail and delivered her into the arms of Gregory. When she told Gregory about her amorous escapade in order to cross the river, Gregory cast her aside with disdain. Heartsick and dejected, Abigail turned to Slug with a tale of woe. Slug, feeling compassion for Abigail, sought out Gregory and beat him brutally. Abigail was overjoyed at the sight of Gregory getting his due. As the sun sets on the horizon, we hear Abigail laughing at Gregory.

That is the story. This is your activity. I want you to rank the characters from number one to number five. Number one being the most mean and number five being the nicest. To all five characters. These are your characters: Abigail, Gregory, Sinbad, Ivan, and Slug. I'll put the story back up. So, here's the question is, rank the characters from number one to number five. So, on your piece of paper, to remember this, go number one equals most mean and number five equals the nicest. And I'm going to go back to the story and give you some time to do that there. Cool. Everyone got that? Awesome. Is everyone done? Everyone's done. So, Karen said yes. Elaine said yes. No, done. No. Okay. We'll wait. We'll give you another minute or so. In another minute.

>> Uh, can you give me the list of names which you sure?

>> There we go. There's the names.

>> Yeah.

>> Majabin, done. Yep. Cool. Phase, all done. Done. Cool. Right. Cool. I'm going to stop my screen sharing now. What I would like for you all to do is in the chat, put down your number one to number five. No judgment here. Just put in whatever's, whatever you've got down there. Number one to number five.

>> Yeah.

>> We're not going to agree or disagree. We're just going to put them down. Sinbad, Gregory, Abigail, Slug, Ivan. Cool. Karen's gone. Abigail, Slug, Sinbad, Ivan, Gregory. Cool. Praesh, we need the other ones as well in between. Need one, two, three, four. All of them. Nine's got Sinbad, Gregory, Abigail. Gregory. Two Gregories, but that's cool. That's okay. He's got a twin. We, we love twins. Um, Sinbad, Abigail, Slug, Gregory, Ivan. Sinbad, Abigail, Gregory, Slug, Ivans. [clears throat] Sinbad, Gregory, Abigail. Beautiful.

What do you notice here? It is the same story. The exact same story. The facts are exactly the same. Sengary, but everyone's answers are a little bit different. Some of you are similar, but different. This is what's happening with us every single day. The facts of the matter. The story is a story, but each one of us has created it, our own narrative to the story, based on our own upbringing, our own stories. A lot of you have got Sinbad as number one because of whatever he did, because in your world, this is not a good thing. When I did this exercise with somebody else, number one was Abigail, and number five was Gregory, because people have a different way of looking at things, right? So, my activity right here is to show you that every single one of us, in every single thing that we do, we don't take the facts of the matter, we take our perception of the matter to have a, a response. Can everyone see how powerful that is? Can everyone see, hopefully, in a client and a coaching situation, how this is, this comes, comes in every single day into any coaching situation, because a coach and a client are going to see things differently. A client is going to bring their perception of reality into that situation. Their perception of Sinbad, Gregory, Abigail, Slug, Ivan, into the situation because of their stories, hence can affect their responses. And you, as a coach, are going to question the Sinbad, the Gregory, the Abigail, the Slug, and the Ivan. Any comments, thoughts, questions, aha moments, or naha moments?

>> I think it was really interesting that my answers were so different from a lot of the others. There were quite a lot of similarities in a number of them, but mine were completely different. And I think, as you said, it is background, perception, upbringings, potentially values as well, beliefs, all of that does come into play.

>> Yeah, totally. This is the first class, the first, first class that I've taught where some, where two people have the same answer. Normally, it's very, very different. But like I said, Karen, it's, I, we've noticed a very, very different. Well, actually, I've noticed when I do this exercise, and we have people from different parts of the world, the answers are bunched according to where you come from the world, because number one, culture has an impact. The sort of culture, number two, religion has an impact on the way we look at things. Number three, society has a way to look at things. Number four, gender. Right? There's a lot more females in this room here than males. Gender has a huge difference as well. Each one of these little things, or big things in our world, affects the story in our brain versus, and that affects what comes out. So, we like to think that we're in control.

>> What you're judging on. So, you know, your point, Karen, was really interesting about values. You know, I think there was, when I was trying to answer, there was an internal wrestle, um, between, you know, is loyalty more important, or, or, you know, more, um, more powerful, or should be considered more than violence? Or, um, is walking away from a friend and not helping? Is that, um, you know, more of a, a letdown than, um, than, um, you know, cheating on it? It was, there was, there was different values at play even in the exercise, and you had to make a judgment on that. And, um, I guess it also would depend on your, your own history and, and what you feel is important, tolerable, allowable, or not.

>> Exactly. And again, it could be values, it could be experience. So, for example, if there was someone in this room here that an experience of that happening in their world, that has happened, that has actually happened, the answer is going to be very, very different. Very, very different to someone who has never had that and is looking from a different lens.

>> So, that's a nice little activity there to get us thinking about how the power of the world, the perception, our reality is not reality, it's our perception of reality.

>> It's the matrix, everybody. It's the matrix. Everyone should watch The Matrix again. Yeah.

>> Okay. Now, Elaine asked a very powerful question just before, and I had to go, and the reason I made you do that activity is because I can go make some more slides just for Elaine. I'm kidding, kidding, Elaine. So, how does this show up in real life? How does this actually show up? What does it actually mean? So, this is what it looks like in co, in a coaching session. So, I'm going to show you the three different ways it shows up. Number one, deletion. A client will come in and will say, "I'm not happy." That's an example of simple deletion. They have left out a whole lot. What's not making you happy? What is the, what is the, what is missing? There's a lot missing in this, in this bit here. Okay, that's simple deletion. Number two, another way of deletion is comparative deletion. So, by the way, before you don't have to understand, you don't have to know which one of these deletions are. I mean, that's just us teaching you. You don't have to go in your brain, "Oh, that's comparative." Don't do that there. Just an awareness. Comparative deletion is when a comparison is made without specifying what it's compared to. So, a client will say to you, "It's better now." Compared to where? "She's nicer now." Compared to when? "What should I say?" They've missed out a whole lot. A whole lot in that statement there. Another one is when there's an unspecified verb. So, an action is mentioned without detail on how it's done. "She ignored me." How do you know she ignored you? What did she do to ignore you? Who is she? So, you'll notice now, oh, these are phrases you can pick up in your client, in your client's, um, um, when they start speaking to you. That's deletion right there in action.

Distortion is assuming. The first one is mind reading. Assuming you know what someone else is thinking or feeling. "He doesn't like me." The example we used before with the boss is, "The boss is angry with me." I don't even know. That's a huge assumption. A huge assumption. Think about our text messaging. If someone doesn't reply, "Oh, they don't like me." Whatever our story is, that's an assumption. You mind-reading someone for someone else? Another distortion is assuming that one event causes another without evidence. "He makes me angry." That's the statement they make. What about what about that? What about him? What about him makes you think that he has made you angry? What has happened before he got angry? Third one is setting a value judgment without specifying who made that judgment. "It is wrong to do that." According to who? Because there's nothing there. It's just a statement there. I'm going to tell you another story of a distortion. You may have heard this story, but I, I, um, I follow Mindvalley and I read Vishen's book many years ago. And in there, there's a story that, that I think is really powerful. Picture this. There's a young girl. It's, um, a Sunday. They're having a, a roast chicken or roast turkey. They're having roast for, for lunch. And she notices that her mom cuts off the legs. Off the legs go. She says to mom, "Hey, mom, why did you cut off the legs?" And she goes, "I don't know. Ask your grandmother." She goes and asks her grandmother, "Hey, grandma, why do you cut off the legs?" She goes, "I don't know. We've always done it. We've always done it this way here. Why don't you ask your great-grandmother?" So, she goes to great-grandmother, and she goes, "Hey, great-grandmother, why did you cut off her legs, the chicken?" And the great-grandmother goes, "Oh, we've always done it this way. Go ask your great-great-great-grandmother," who happens to be alive at this point in time. So, she goes to the great-great-great-grandmother. And she goes, "Hey, great-great-great-grandmother, why do we cut the legs?" And she goes, "Oh, because when we were growing up, our oven was tiny." Double that. It was just because the oven was small. It has nothing to do with anything else. Right? So, how many things do we do in our lives? How many things do our clients do in their lives that they haven't even thought about? They've just, they just said, "Oh, no, we just do it just because it's always been done that way there," and haven't gone back to think about it. That's a lost performative statement as well, because I'm doing it because it's always the way I've done it.

Same as generalization. So, this is, um, Karen's favorite words, which we started off today. So, um, thanks, Karen, for kicking us off. Generalization. What does it look like? Use universal quantifiers, using words like "always." "We've always done that there." "Never." "I've never, never done something." "Everyone is doing it." "No one is it." The client is going to say, "I always fail at this. I'm never good at public speaking. No one likes me. Everyone is better than me. Everyone has their life sorted." Generalization. Using words like "should," "must," "have to," in it indicates an obligation. "I should come on to this course at 4 p.m." or whatever time it is for you. "I have to become a level one coach." According to who? "I must do it perfectly." Right? Again, we're not saying they're right or wrong. This is the language we're picking up. Okay? Then you question. Okay? Model. The other one is words like "can't," "won't," "impossible." Those straight away indicate a limitation. "I can't public speak." "I can't become a coach." "I can't drive a car." "I can't, I won't be able to cross the road." "It's impossible for me to write an article." "It's impossible for me to post on social media." All of those things are generalizations based on some experience there.

So, Ela, hopefully, you can see how this language can start turning up in a coaching session. And then, as a coach, I will show you later on how you can now question those. Any comments, questions, awareness pieces as we come to this first part of today's training? Everyone happy?

>> I think it's great that you put it into simple terms because the other course that I've done was been a lot more in-depth and more about the tools and techniques and doesn't ne, didn't necessarily focus on as much in, sort of, that overview and the reasons behind it. So, thank you.

>> No worries, Karen. This is why you're here, right? [laughter]

>> Always. Full disclosure. Full disclosure, everyone. I coached Karen before, and then Karen wanted to come along to this, this journey here. So, that's how we know each other. And from another...

program as well. So, full disclosure, full disclosure. We love disclosure. All right, team. I've been yabbering and you've been listening for the last hour or so. We're going to take a break. We're going to take a 10-minute break and then we'll come back on to the next part. Everyone happy with 10 minutes? Okay, it's either 10 minutes or less. Nothing more than 10 minutes. Right. See you back in 10 minutes, everybody. If you have any questions, I'll hang back as well. If you have any questions, comments, I'll hang back. Comments or thoughts before we go to the next part. Everyone just All good. All good. Okay. Just taking it all in. My question to myself is, am I actually seeing you? Are you my reality? Or is my perception of reality? I don't know. What a what a question right there.

[gasps]

All right, team. The next part is we're going to talk about um presuppositions of NLP. Let's see. Oh, we'll just wait a few minutes for Elaine to come in. Um, unless El's. So, welcome back, Elaine. So what we're going to do now is what I've given you is I've given you how um language how the communication model works and how it comes every single day in our lives but also how it presents with our clients. So the deletion, the distortion, the generalization but also two activities that show you that each one of us comes with different stories. Okay, but the story is exactly the same but the meaning is different. Okay. So even though I said different stories, the story is the same but the meaning we give it to it is very, very different. Now I want to focus on for the next section is on how NLP looks at the world and this is also going to help you thinking about your clients that you're working with. If we remember this here and also help them see this. Remember, we're not going to tell them this here. We're going to think about the way we look at their world. Now there are a couple that we're going to focus on. These are the nine that we're going to focus on today. All right. And the key line for you to think about is that first, first phrase there is they just guide. They're just guides. They're not true. They're not, they're just guides on how we can look at assumptions and how individuals perceive and interact with the world. Right? This is the way to think about it. So we're going to go through each one of them in a little bit of detail, but also for you to ask any questions.

The first one is the map is not the territory. All right? And like I've said a few times at the moment today is this means that our perception of reality is not reality itself. Okay? Our perception of reality is not reality itself. Each one of us experiences the world differently based on our beliefs, based on our past experiences like the example I shared with you. And when you understand this and you show the client this or the client through the questioning, it helps us think about looking at things from empathetically. So a question could be, a question could some could be something in the along the lines of, "Can you think of a time when someone misunderstood your perspective?" Or what is a time? No, can we can do, can we'll say no. "What is a time or what evidence do you have of a time when somebody misunderstood your perspective?" That is a great way to show them that their world is a little bit different. A nice way to think about it is if you think about Google Maps. If you think about Google Maps, Google Maps, you jump online, you can say, "Cool, I want to see Islamabad. I want to see Oxford. I want to see Sydney. I want to see. Wherever you're from, I can cool. I can see you all. I can see you all." But just by me seeing where you are, doesn't mean that is reality right there. I have no idea. Like Elaine said, it's snowing right there, but the map would not show that there. I have no idea what it's like where, what it's like in Islamabad. But the map will show me that there. But it's not the territory. Each one of us only sees what is in front of us. And until you're in that experience there, you cannot say that you do. Okay? It's a bit like this, this image here. You know, one person sees a bee, this honey, amazing, this is beautiful. Another person sees a bee and goes, "Ah." Person with the honey might go, "What's wrong with you? Bees are amazing." But person with the honey might not understand that the person that is afraid of bees might have a fatal, fatal reaction to a bee sting. So it's important to look at things from the other perspective if you can. But we actually can't. None of us can see other people's perspective. You know, we always, there's a saying, "Try and see it from other people's shoes," but you can't unless you ask them the question of what it's like. Because if I, for example, if I try and put myself in Pakita's shoes right now, I have no idea what it's like. I'm gonna have my story that's going to tell me what this, what what it might feel like. But unless I ask her the questions, then I can go, "Ah, now I can try and see the world a little bit differently." Because the assumption is just because I can put myself in their position, I know what it's like. But you don't until you actually ask those questions. But even then, it's not true.

This one here always gets a lot of people questioning. Every single behavior has positive intention. So for the person that performs that behavior, there's a positive intention. Even when a person does things we don't agree with or don't understand, for them, there's a positive intention. So let me give you an example. Somebody who steals food, they have committed a crime. In their world, though, they had to steal the food to feed themselves. So the positive intention for them was to not be hungry. We're not saying it's good or bad or we agree with it. This is the positive intention. So if we start framing and thinking about things, we will come into a situation and go, "What is the positive intention for this person that they're doing this here?" So, for example, in this room here, somebody might not want to post on social media. What is the positive intention? The positive intention is they might not want to be seen because something's happened in their world. Whatever it is, right? Whatever. So can you see this here? Can you see how this sometimes can gr us? But actually, if we really think about it, it can be true.

>> I have a question.

>> I have an answer.

>> I'm sure you do.

[laughter]

>> Or not.

>> Yeah. Um, so by this benchmark, what you're saying, it got me thinking. Now, if a person is bribing someone, for example, hypothetically, maybe that person has to fulfill some of his or her own needs. Is that what we're talking about here? Because not every action can be a very, you know, how, how can you find something good in something so negative and bad? So that's what I'm thinking.

>> Right. What have we done there? We've added our own story there, right? And this is, this is great. This happens to us all the time. So let's take the, the reality. Somebody is bribing somebody. Can anybody here see what the positive intention is for the person that is that is doing the bribe? So I'm bribing. I'm bribing you. I'm bribing you. What is my positive intention?

>> Money and you want to fulfill something or like some of your needs. Sorry. Go ahead. Fessel.

>> Fessel.

>> That's okay. That's okay. That's okay. What? What were you gonna say? Fessel. That's okay.

>> Maybe to get my work done.

>> Get my work done. Money. Paka.

>> Sorry.

>> Your hands up. No. No. Sorry. Bakuta's hands up. Hands are up.

>> Okay.

>> Baktawa. Did you have a, were you going to say something?

>> Like when you said that that every action or behavior or whatever has a positive intention. Um, so the thing is, um, that recently something happened. So basically, in our society, there's dog culling going on all across Pakistan. So like I'm big on animal rights and stuff. So we put up a fight. We went to the management, stuff, and they were like, "Well, this is such activism," and um, "We are killing dogs because we want to save people," right? So that's what their justification. But there's always another way. I know that when you said that someone will steal away, uh, food because they're so hungry. So I, I mean, there's the situations, there's, there's there's so different situations and, uh, it's very subjective, right? So the generalization of every intention has a, or every action or behavior has a positive intention would be, I don't know, wrong or stretched.

>> Mhm. Yeah. This is great. This is why I love this one here. So, what have we done here? We didn't say we agree with it. We didn't say it's legally okay. We didn't say it's morally okay. We're just saying again, the fact is, every behavior has a positive intention. Our bribery example, against the law, it's terrible. Why would you do that there? But for that moment in that time, that that person might have needed more money. But as I said, that person might need the job to be done. So I have to bribe someone to get the job done. And the person accepting that bribe might go, "Hey, I need the money. I'm not getting paid." Positive intention. Just in that moment, in your example, the positive intention, not that we agree with it, the positive intention that they're saying is that our positive intention is that we're trying to protect people. That is their positive intention. That is the message they're giving you. Right? We don't agree with it. We don't have to agree with it. None of us, none of us. But if we put ourselves in their eyes and go, "Okay, cool. They've said that. I still disagree with it. Cool. Then I'm valid." You're just valid in yourself. So it's not about I agree, I disagree. It's okay. I can try and see the positive intention, but I don't have to agree with it. And this is where you can always stand to your principle. So in anything, if you think about anything in life, let's go to Donald Trump, for example. Donald Trump's positive intentions of whatever he's doing, he thinks it's positive for him, right? That's all he's like, "Cool. This is for him." We don't agree with it, but it's what he thinks. Anyone who commits a crime, anyone that, any one of us, if, for example, for one of us, if one day we're speeding for a reason, our position is speeding because we're late for work. We have to get there. It's against the law, but in my world, it's my positive intention was out there. Or if we cut a red light, or because whatever it is, we're not saying it's correct. We're just saying in that, in that particular moment, there's positive intention.

>> So, does that mean

>> Does that mean we're like, mean, this is right and wrong? So, there's no right and wrong. Your right could be somebody's wrong, and your wrong could be somebody's right. And then, even though you might not agree with it,

>> Your uh, the way you decide your life principles or your life values would be by what you agree with or what you disagree with. Is that, is that a way of putting it?

>> That, that, that's one way of looking at it. As long as, so the way I like to think about it is, as long as you're not breaking the law, you're not doing anything illegal, then you're all good, right? But again, each one of us has a, each one of you is on this call because of a positive intention, right? You're here because you, you want to become a good coach. That's your positive intention. Whether you do or you don't is a different story. Whether you do or you don't, a different story, right? But your behavior right today is to be a big step there.

>> Um, but like they make laws, right? And some laws, they don't even make sense. So it's just like very subjective. So just how can I say that if I am conforming to laws, so I'm, I'm doing right. It's like just all inculcated, right? Societal, religious, what not. So, so blurred. Like, it is very bland. It is very bland. And, and it's, it's a hard one because, you know, we all come from different places. But remember, it's about the behavior. So every behavior has, so it's not, if someone creates a law, it's a behavior they're trying to, for them, not for the world, right? For, if you think about, if you think about a dictator, a dictator does something because in their world view, it's for them. They don't care about the rest.

>> It's about an individualistic worldview. Now, this is, this is the hard part for us to think about. Right. So, we come from a collective here, but it's in that, that person's positive intention is for them. I want to make sure that um, everyone gets taxed, blah, blah, blah, blah, because my positive intention, I want to make a lot of money. It's for me. It's for me. I don't really care about other people having a lot of tax. It's not on me. My, it's all about the behavior that you think you're doing.

>> For example, in the World Cup right now, sorry. No, I was just going to say, I guess, you know, the sort of levels of complexity, um, well, I think of an example, practical example from, um, coaching a leader who, the, the behavior that's deemed to be a negative behavior by those around this person is that this manager takes all the credit for themselves. Right? They don't, they never celebrate the team. Even if it's the team's work, the manager takes all the credit. Now, when I'm thinking about this, every behavior has a positive intention. I guess the positive intention for this manager that is stealing the limelight and not giving credit for to the team is about building their, what they perceive as the way to build their own in, um, reputation or make themselves look good. Um, or perhaps it's, you know, they're that, they're that dealing with some insecurity that they have about being perceived as able or capable. Um, whether that's right or wrong, and whether that's the right or wrong way to go about it, is is my job then as the coach is to try and help them see the impact of that behavior and maybe to challenge their thinking about other other ways that their their reputation could be enhanced, but doing it in a different way that also allowed for their team to receive some credit. Um, is, is that kind of what you're saying? Is that that the, the positive intention is in their, and then as a coach, I work with that and perhaps need to challenge that?

>> 100%. That's exactly what it is. Right. So, that's, that's, that's a beautiful example, Elaine, because remember, every client that's going to come to you with whatever situation is going to have in their world a positive intent for whatever they're doing.

>> Oh, I'm not applying for this. I'm not applying for this job because, um, my positive intent is I'm protecting myself from being rejected.

>> Yeah.

>> Right. It doesn't, like you said, it doesn't, it doesn't have to be a physical thing. It can also be rejection. Um, Basil, why aren't you public speaking? Oh, I, I, I don't want to public speak because, blah, blah, blah, blah, but it's because I'm afraid that, what if that nobody listens to me? What if the reaction is negative? So, my point is, I'm protecting myself. You can see why this is, this is one that requires of us to think about it a bit. But each one of your clients is going to come with this, and then your job as a coach is to question or challenge that there. And I guess that's where, you know, like, if you're not, if you're not coming with the mind as the coach, if you're not coming with the mindset of how I can help this person, it would be very easy to fall into judgment of, you know, "Oh, don't be ridiculous, you know, of course you should apply for the job," or "Can't you see that by taking all the credit, you are robbing your team of, you know, their own?" So, we come with the risk is that if we don't, if we don't understand that about the coaching, we may come with a set of judgments of our own that are not helpful.

>> Exactly. And that, that's exactly what it is because, because when you're doing that, um, like Fasil said before, um, you come with assumptions, you come with judgments.

>> Yeah.

>> Because you haven't, you haven't understood their story. You haven't taken time to go, "What is actually happening here? What is actually stopping you from doing this here?" You know, Sana said before that, you know, she has this loop in her head. And, S, I'm just an example for you, that's that's a behavior that's protecting you from something. So for you, it's a positive intention for you to think about, "Okay, let me think about this a bit of self-doubt because there's something." The positive intent is to protect you from something. Then as a coach, someone go, "All right, cool. Let's think of things from a different way. How can we protect you but still keep your integrity going?" That's the way it looks. That's it. Okay. Awesome. Right.

The next one is um is Karen's favorite one. This one here. There is no failure, only feedback. Okay. This is what we started right from the start here. In every situation, there's no failure, only feedback. What we consider failure is only an opportunity to to improve. Think about your own lives as well. When you've had failure and what did you learn from that? You know, just, just think about that for a second. So if you, if we stop looking at in, at, um, failure as a dead end, it changes the way you look at, look at it at any point in time for your clients as well. Right.

Number four is people have all the resources they need. Okay. Now, a lot of us, and I'm saying a lot of us as well, and our clients as well, people believe they lack something to succeed. But in reality, in reality, in reality, they already have or they can develop their resources. Can let that sit for a while? Every single one of us has the resources that we need. So, for example, I want to become a successful coach. I have the resources, but I need to access them. I can go and ask somebody. I can do that there. You might not have them with you right now, but you can access them. Yeah.

Well, this is one of my favorite ones ever. In, forget about coaching, forget about NLP. This is, this should be one that you have in your, in your whole, in your stuck somewhere for you. The meaning of communication is the response that you get. Okay, let this up for a bit. The meaning of communication is the response that you get. If somebody misunderstands you, instead of blaming them, this presupposition comes back to you. The presupposition goes, we need to adjust our communication. The responsibility lies with the communicator. So, for example, in this little bit of beautiful cartoon here, the customer gave an explanation and it all came up with all these different crazy results. Oh, the results are not the problem. The problem is how the customer explained it. If he had just said, "I want a swing and a tire on a tree," he would have got that there. But it might have explained in some totally different way. The person at fault are not the project leader or the engineer or the programmer. It is the customer. So now I'd love for you to think about it in your life and maybe share something if you'd like to, when somebody misinterpreted you. When you have said something and something totally different happened, and who did you blame?

Karen, I say I've got a very recent example. Um, we're developing a piece of software at work and I've written the requirements. I've documented them. They've been approved. They've been signed off. I've talked it through with them. When I get to testing, a few days before we were meant to launch, there was a, I'm gonna say assumption that was made, a gap in what I'd said and how they understood it, which meant that the wrong data was being used to populate the values and the wrong triggers were being used. Now, my fault because I triggered it. I wrote documentation. However, they did not necessarily question it. Now, not in a coaching perspective, but they did not necessarily question or ask. And I made assumptions, they made assumptions, and because of that, we came up with a result that I was not expecting. So, ultimately, because it's my design and my requirements, it's on me. However, asking questions to clarify to make sure they've got the correct understanding is also vital.

>> Amazing. Amazing. Now, here's, here's that's that's really wonderful, Karen. I love that example. Then hopefully, fingers crossed, um, it's going to, it's going to be all good in the end somehow. Somehow. Now, one of the, one of the beauties about this year is how many times have you said this year? You've shared something and then you just go, "Do you understand?" And the person goes, "Yeah, I understand." But do they actually understand? No, they don't. But they just go there. They just said it because they want to save face. How many times have you done that? Someone's going to you, "Hey, Basil, do you understand?" "Yeah, yeah, I understand." You have no idea what's going on.

>> So a better question is, "Can you repeat back to me what you need to be doing?" I think, can, sorry, in this particular scenario, going back to the scenario, the culture that my workers have plays a big part into it because I'm working with a team that's remote from Australia. So they're different culture, different style, and a lot of their culture is not necessarily the questioning or the, and it's being told what to do. What's the culture I've come from? It's, I will ask, I will question. And again, it goes back to what you've said before about those inherent beliefs, those other factors, the how they've been brought up, etc., etc., etc. So,

>> And that's so, so true. And, and that's really beautiful that Karen. And I say it's beautiful because each one of you are trained to be coaches. And look at this room here. This room is a global room. So, assumptions become really, really, really front of mind unless you ask the questions. So, please ask questions when you're communicating. Always double check that the coach, the client actually knows what they have to do. "Client, you understand?" "Yeah, yeah, I do." "Okay, cool. Repeat back to me." "Uh, I forgot." "Okay, cool. You don't understand." So, that's, that's the way we do it. Beautiful. Thank you for the shares here. This is beautiful. And thank you for that real-life example there as well. Um, Karen.

[gasps]

Cool. The next one is pretty simple. Nice pre, pres, uh, NLP presumption is, if what you're doing isn't working, do something else. Pretty simple. Okay. So, this basically says that, you know, we all do things, but if it's not working, try something different there. And this is great for, for clients as well, cuz a client's going to come to you and they're going to say, "I've been doing blah, blah, blah, blah." So, as a coach, you can say, "Hey, what's stopping you from doing something different?" Or "What else can you do?" "What else?" "What else?" is a really powerful question. What else? What else? If you can ask a client "what else" three times in a, in a situation, you'll see, in a session, you'll see what happens there.

This is another one here. People are not their behaviors. Okay? A person's actions does not define who they are as a, as a person. People can change their behaviors. People's actions don't define the entire identity. And this is really important for us to realize here. Imagine, imagine for each one of us, if in a moment when we're angry or upset, and if somebody says, "Oh, Sana, I saw you shouting at somebody, therefore you are a shouting person." The behavior is not the person. And this is important in a coaching situation because a client will speak about behaviors about somebody. They might go, "Oh, for example, Elaine, I'm going to use an example. So I might be the, the client that I'm going to go like, 'Oh, Elaine is always, always so down and dowy and she's just a depressing person,' just and I'm just based on the behaviors, right? Therefore, Elaine is a boring person, just based the behav on that, right?" And as a coach, you can ask them, "Okay, cool. What else do you know? What, what gives you that?" "Oh, okay. I've never really thought about that. I only see Elaine on a Monday morning for five minutes. That's the only time I see her." "Oh, okay. Let's think about that then." So, people are not the, Elaine, you're not, you're not doubting. I'm just, I'm just, I just have to clear that there. You're, you're pretty fun. She might send me a message later on going, "This is it. How dare you say that about me." Cool.

The next one is, this is also an important one to remember for your clients and for yourself as well. Everyone is doing the best with the resources they have. Okay. Now, think about this here, and I'm going to give you a real-life example. Think about when COVID first happened. COVID first happened. When the world was told about COVID, every single person in the world thought they were going to die. That's what we're told. "You're going to die. Everyone's going to die." So, everyone made decisions based on the information at that point in time. So on March the 28th, 2020, when the world was shutting down, everyone made decisions based on the information at that point in time. Now, six years later, we have different information and make different choices. So we cannot judge somebody based on what we know now compared to what we knew at that point in time. The same thing with each one of you in this room here. When you were 16 or 17, you made choices in your life because you had those resources at that point in time. Now, if you look back, "Oh, I might not have made those choices," but you can't say that there because you have different resources now. And the same thing with your client in the coaching session as well. They're going to come in and "I should, I could, I must, I have to," but they might not have the resources. So, someone, you might be coaching someone that is a 23-year-old. They go, "Oh, I should have my whole life sorted by now." Really? According to, according to who? According to what? What resources do you have right now to make sure that you have your whole life sorted by now? "Oh, I have a huge mortgage. I have a huge loan." Okay, cool. So, you can't have that there, right? So, that's just an important awareness piece as well. I love these presuppositions because they also make me think about my own world and my own reflection about where I'm from, where I've come from, and what I'm doing as well. And hopefully, as you're going through this, I want you to think about your own world as well before you think about the coaching world, because the coaching will happen in a second.

[gasps]

The person with the most flexibility controls the system. Okay? The more adaptable you are, the more influence you can have. In any interaction that we have in our life, the person who adapts the most has the most control. This is why in a coaching situation, you are the coach. You are the one that's flexible. Now, I'm sure this is shared with you in session one, and if it wasn't, I'm going to share it right now. Remember, in any coaching experience, the client is the expert of the world, and you are the expert of the process. Always remember that there, because you are the expert of the process, you have flexibility because you can control that whole narrative. The client thinks they have, they can control the narrative, but actually, you as a coach controlling the narrative. They control the outcome, but you control the narrative. Okay. Any questions about that? Any thoughts about those? I'll go back a little bit here so you can see them. About those nine um presuppositions. Going to stop my share. Karen, sorry. It's not necessarily an assumption or a learning. The guide has 14, and you've given us nine. So, are there actually more than nine?

>> There's, there's a lot of presuppositions. So we just focused on the nine, the nine that

>> That I think are really important. There's, there's, there's actually about 25 or 26 presuppositions.

>> Okay.

>> Yeah. But thanks to that awareness piece again. So if you want to, if you want to go into depth with NLP, an NLP course is good, but these are the ones that really resonate when it comes to, um, coaching. But that's a great, great point there.

>> Thank you. So, how do we know these presuppositions are true, are valid? You, that's a group question. Group question is asking the group. He's not asking me. He's asking the group, "What do we think? How do we know these presuppositions are true?" Basic question for you is, "What examples can you give where they're not true?" Like the, the, the pre, presupposition that that says that there is always a good intent behind it. There might be a person who says that, "I know this is wrong, but I'm doing it. There's no positive intent behind it."

>> But there might be.

>> Because we don't know their world. It may be something for us that's really bad, and we can't see a positive intent. But for someone who is in that situation at that particular time, they might have. Now, I'm going to go very generalistic, and I don't want to offend anyone with what I'm saying. If you are a person who is addicted to a substance or addicted to something, you need to get hold of that. And to get hold of that, you might need money. And for that money, your positive intent is, "I need money for this situation I'm in." They may not care how they get that money. We may not understand their morals behind it. But to them, because they've got this addictive need, they have to get hold of it. And their positive intent is to get that so that they can feel however they feel in that moment. Now, to us, we can't understand that. We can't think why. But it's not on us.

>> Sorry.

>> That's a great example. No, no, that's a great example, Facebook. Does that make sense? Does that, is the one that is the one that people have to really think about because, because, and I'll tell you why. It's because what is happening right now is our communication, our NLP model is in play. So for us, we're deleting, distorting, generalizing right now with that particular one based on our religion, where we come from, our morals, all that because that's like, "What is this? How can every behavior have a positive intention?" Because every behavior does for that person, not for me, right? So like in Karen's example, if somebody is has a substance, for me, "What are you doing?" But for that person, that might be the only way they can survive a day. Committing a crime might be the only thing they need to try and get the money to be able to survive that day. And I can't judge them. Yes, they've broken it. They've broken, they've committed a crime. Therefore, they should get punished for the crime. Right? So they've broken a law. We're not saying, we're not saying we're not justifying anything here. So they've broken, they've committed a crime. Therefore, they will get the consequence of the crime. But in that moment of time, they committed the crime because of, because they needed to do that there. That's what's that's what's happening.

>> I don't think you're convinced. That face of yours is not.

>> I'm actually thinking of some other thing. Like, like as a corporate person, like at sometimes as an HR professional. So company expects us to coach the people on values. So let's suppose there is a value of integrity in place, and I'm, I'm meeting a guy who had been consistently violating integrity as a value, and he believes he believes that, uh, this value is against his personal value. Like he doesn't believe in integrity, maybe so. Now, how would I see the positive in him? And how would I balance as a coach? And obviously, I'm representing a, a company as well. So how would I balance the company and the client at the same time?

>> Okay, this is a group. This is a fantastic, fantastic question. I'm going to ask the group. The group. Karen, I'm going to put you on pause for a second. I'm going to see if someone else has has a thought because I know you have an answer. Or else.

>> Yeah, uh, I feel in, in, in such a situation, um, you would want to understand why the person is doing what they're doing. For example, if they're, if they're going against a certain value repeatedly, and they don't have, according to the company or according to the coach who's listening to them, that there's, there's no, uh, justification to what they're doing, and they're saying, "We're just doing it out of habit because that's where FEL initially started off that, you know, what if they just brush it aside? Is it that's how it is? You know, that's how I always do it. It's just like my second nature, for example." So that's always connected to something more deeper. Some a fear that may, uh, they may be hiding. Um, it could be their defensiveness that's at play. It could be their insecurity. It could be their, you know, multiple things that are at play. So I, I feel scratching beneath the surface at times works really well in these kind of situations and scenarios where you actually identify where their positive intent is actually linked to fulfilling one of their own needs. And once that is identified, maybe that's where the, you know, uh, scaffolding takes place, and then you link it to the value of the organization, and then you know, you take it forward. What is the impact of what they're doing is having on others? And maybe have them realize that. And, um, yeah, so just my two cents on this.

>> Beautiful, beautiful. That was, that was actually more like two cents, but that's okay. More than two cents. We're going to give you a lot of credit. I guess I'm, I mean, I'm, I'm thinking if I, so if I was to change the word intent, which, so my assumption around positive intent, what I think positive intent outside of today's conversation means, I'm thinking about somebody who is doing something, uh, in an intentional way that they believe is for the greater good and is going to, you know, almost a, a philanthropic kind, um, aspect to it. But I think what I'm hearing you say, and I, and I possibly even change the word to for me to say, rather than positive intent, but positive reward. They're doing this because they believe that it will bring a positive reward for themselves as opposed to me. For me, the, the word intent just conjures up, and this is an assumption that I'm making, but it conjures up ideas of for the greater benefit or for others to benefit, whereas in fact, what this person is possibly behaving in a selfish way, and that it's not for the greater intent benefit of anybody else. It's for personal reward. Um, I don't know. That's just how I'm kind of seeing it. And, and that to me would then let you know, makes sense that it's that that an unethical behavior could be justified by the person because they're looking at the reward and they're not interested in the greater benefit of others.

>> Agreeing to what, uh, Elaine said, and just moving, taking that forward. I really believe this opposition did not sit well with me for the same reasons that, you know, it is just like, uh, sugar coating or gift wrapping unethical behaviors or selfish motives in certain situations where you need to have a moral compass. Um, a moral compass that guides you, and that it lays the foundation of your principles, your work ethics, everything. So, like in Fessel's case, I would say maybe I would, uh, I was just linking it to the conflict resolution that we did with me, uh, the last session that we did, where there was, um, clear mention, what if there's a conflict with this with the client, and then there's the company, and then the coach, and then you would call it out, and you would either terminate the, the agreement, or it was just, I was just thinking it back to that type you studied. But in terms of this particular, um, supposition, it's, it's just not sitting well with me, and I just think it's another way of whitewashing everything, and, um, it's another way of just, uh, sugar coating every unethical behavior or, um, it just takes away so much from the moral compass or that that lead, uh, that define your work ethics or in any public space, for that matter.

>> Erin,

>> I'd like to challenge that if you don't mind.

>> Challenge away. Challenge away. I love this. Go ahead.

>> I want to challenge it. Is I don't think it's a reward. I think it's actually a need. They have a need at that particular point in time. Good or bad. I understand the morals. I understand. But we're judging that from our perspective. In the example I gave earlier, they've got a need. They've got a need that they have to meet. And to meet that need, they are doing something. And in their view, that doing something is to meet that need. Yes, it may not be ethical. It may not be moral. It may be downright illegal. But for them, it is a need. And we can judge it however we want in our views, based on our world views. But we are not them. And I get the challenge you're facing, Sana. I really do. But we can't think of it from us. We are there to support the people. We are there to listen. We are there to ask the thought-provoking questions. And in the situation Basil sent, it could be, "What is that positive need or what is that need you have to have which means that you are not conforming to the values?" So that's what I'm challenging, not your personal views, and I'm not attacking anyone's personal views because that is not what this is about. It is purely about how we need to think and be open because our situation is totally different. And I do have a good example, but I'm going to let back to speak because I'm very good at speaking.

>> Amazing. Thank you, Car. And again, remember, this is, this is, I love this because this is a space where challenging is allowed because, remember, like I said at the start, I'm here to facilitate, but you will come with your world views, and we may not agree. We can disagree. We can challenge, but I'm always correct. I'm kidding. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Go ahead.

>> Yeah. So like, there's always intention, not labeling it good or bad, but as you said, that behavior is not fixed, right? So they don't define who we are. So NP provided a perspective to someone, right? So they can reflect themselves and evaluate whether it's, I know they were actually doing something that wasn't right, you know, just to make them reflect. So I'll just refer back to the, the example of like dog culling. So it wasn't right, whatever they were doing in their capacity to make sure the management is right and fixed, right? So we were trying to give them another perspective. You can do it, but there's another alternate way to do this as well.

>> Mhm.

>> Right. So they can achieve what they want to achieve, but there's always another way. So perspective, alternative.

>> That's, that's correct. That's correct. Now, this, I, I'm really glad we pulled this one up because I think we need, and F, I'm glad you brought this up here because this is the one that I think we have to remember. We are not justifying anything. We're not saying everything is okay. This is the way to look at it. Remember, even when people do something that we don't understand or don't agree with, just remember what this presupposition is saying is their actions serve a purpose for them. All right? So when we recognize this, we stop judging and we stop being curious. So like Karen said, and like Paka said, and like Majin said, is you question the curiosity, no judgment. So, we're not validating. We're not justifying. Obviously, if something is illegal, it's illegal. That's it. Right. If it's illegal, it's illegal, right? Cool. But if they do something that you disagree with because of your worldview, it doesn't make it right or wrong in your, in their worldview. In their worldview, right? So, like Karen said, we have to, in a coaching situation, we have, we have to put away all our judgment. All our judgment. So, for example, Fisel, yours is a little bit different, right? But still the same. In your example, we're not, you're not saying that, "Hey, this guy can get away with it." Like Elen said before, you are going to challenge them to go, "Okay, so you might not agree with integrity as a value. You don't agree with that there. What in your life has happened for you to not have integrity as a value?" Like my said, you're going to dig, dig deeper. Then they might go, "Ah, in my life, every time I was, every time I was integral, I got hurt. Every time I deal in integrity, I got hurt, or I was left behind, or I was rejected because I was trying to be the good person." And that might have affected them. Or maybe I've seen it with my dad or my father, my parent, or my mother. Every time they were being, they had integrity, something happened bad to them. And therefore, I don't believe that's the reality." And then you go, "Okay, now how can I reframe this for this, for my client in the context of work? Maybe integrity is not the right word for them. Maybe you go, "Right, cool. Let's, what, so then for your, if you flip the script on company, what is the positive intention for the company having integrity? Why do they want everyone to be integral? What is their behavior? What is their intention?" It might not be integrity. It might actually be something else. But we use the word integrity to have that. So, it works both ways, especially in those situations. You see, this is one that's a bit layered, but if you break it right down, it's about curiosity, not judgment. Hey Pasel, thoughts?

>> Pretty much, pretty much good enough. Like, how do you get away with the coaching dilemma then? Like, there are certain thoughts that are that are against your own beliefs, and you're not changing those thoughts as well. But how do you get out of it? But it happens to most of the time.

>> Yeah, this is why. Okay, I love this. This is really beautiful. Every single one of us is going to a situation with our own stories, whether we like it or not.

>> But it is up to you in that situation, in that, when you become a coach, remember at the start I said to you, "Stay change." When you stay change, you go, "I'm going in." All these beliefs I have, out the window for those 20 minutes, those 30 minutes. I'm just going to, I might disagree with it. I'm not going to say it. When you finish a coaching session, you go like, "Ah, damn, Fasil. I don't agree with your own self." But in that moment, you're going to go, "Right, cool. I, yes, Fasil. I'm here to make you move forward. I'm here to challenge you." Moving forward doesn't mean agreeing with everything you say. Moving forward also challenges things as well. So, it's, it's this is why we do the training. Now, the training is is 14 weeks. You know, you'll have time with with Sarah, and you're going to be asked about, "What are your assumptions in a coaching session? What are your assumptions when someone walks in?" So, at the start, I spoke about stay change in on purpose. You have to stay change into the environment. Now, again, like Miriam said last week, or whenever she did this, if you fundamentally disagree with somebody, fundamentally, then don't coach them. Okay, cool. The two of us, we are never going to see eye to eye. So, for example, let's just say, let's just give an example. I am, uh, Bakuta is my, is my coach, and I am a client, and I believe in dog culling. I believe in dog culling. This is it. This is it. This is, um, there's no way I'm going to change. The two of us, we are never going to

to clash every single time. Therefore, we can just go cool. We're not coaching. I, I can't. You have you do you, but we can't coach. You can definitely do that as well. But if it's just a disagreement of, oh, I don't like the color black, therefore that's a bit silly, right? So, you have to just think about that. You have power. You have power. So, does a client as well.

So Fasel, hopefully after 14 weeks your question will be answered. After at week 14, you'll be like, all right, cool, I've got this. I've got this. No, it's being answered right now as well, but I'm still going through the dilemma of switching in between those two options. And that's right, cuz you're a human, right? You're a human. You're not, you're not a Claude. You because they have no emotion. They're black or white and always, they always agree with you. Yeah, you're fantastic, what a great idea, even though it's the silliest idea ever, right? You're a human. It's it's normal for us to have these these emotions and it's great you have the awareness piece.

So at the start, um, somebody spoke about self-awareness. This is the awareness piece that's coming through for you right now. So now you have the self-awareness. What do I do with that? You know, I, I, I, I, there's a saying that I like that I like to hear about or I thought about. Self-awareness is awesome, but once you become self-aware, then the real work comes because self-aware does nothing. Once you become self-aware, you then make choices. So I become self-aware that eating junk food is terrible. Awareness. Ah, now the next thing is choice. I have chosen to eat unhealthy and I've chosen not to eat healthy because self-awareness alone doesn't do anything. It's the next step. So for you now, you become self-aware. So now you go, right, cool. What are the choices I'm going to make with my thinking? We'll do a bit more. We'll do a bit more learning and then we'll break and then we'll get ready for some coaching. Cool. Unless anyone has any questions, aha moments, any shares because these shares are beautiful. N All right, cool. Let's go to the.

You may have done some of this um before already, but um, just in case you haven't, I'm here to hone in a bit more. Cool. No break. What we're going to do now is we're going to show you um well, we're going to show you four different techniques in coaching, right? And it comes from NLP. The four are going to be rapport, matching, mirroring, and calibration. Okay. So each one of these is going to be basically um something that you can do with your clients. The first one is going to be rapport. In any communication, anything you do, rapport is the most important thing. Now, think about this was the first time that I met you all today when I jumped on. For some of you, I could have just gone straight into blah blah blah blah blah blah NLP, but I didn't do that there. I want to know a bit about you. I want to know what you've learned. That was my way of number one, building rapport, getting to know who you are, but number two, also for you to start to trust me, hopefully. So in any communication, rapport is really, really important. Rapport is basically a sense of trust and connection. So in any coaching situation, this is the first thing that we do. How do I build rapport with my clients? Okay. So a lot of you, for example, you'll have situations where you just click with somebody. You have no idea. I just click with somebody. This is building rapport. Building rapport is not about luck. It's a skill that we can develop. And hopefully, over the next few weeks, you'll you'll see how we can do that there. And we can create intentionally. Building rapport is simple, like paying attention, understanding, um, matching energy, uh, just being acknowledging, validating, a lot of respect. That is how you build rapport. Rapport is less about words and more about feeling aligned. People like people who are like them. Okay? People like people who are like them. Think about every one of you. Think about when you go to an event that you know nobody. You are going to gravitate to people that are very similar to you for whatever reason. Whatever. They might wear the same clothes. They might look similar to you. Whatever. Okay. The way you think about rapport, rapport is is the combination of trust, connection, and safety. With no rapport, communication, see you later. Thanks for coming. Don't come. So the first part when we're doing our coaching is building rapport. So for example, the first time I met Karen, yes, I was there to the coaching, but I spent some time getting to know who know Karen was because if I just jump straight into my coaching situation, it wouldn't work. It wouldn't work for me, wouldn't work well. I hopefully wouldn't, I'm assuming this is huge assumptions. I'm assuming Karen like, "Hey, this guy, what is he up to?" It's important to build that rapport. Now, especially when you meet the client for the very, very first time. Okay. Now, my invitation and my challenge for you is over the next few weeks when you're doing your your recordings and your stuff on here and you're coaching each other, pretend like you don't know the person. Pretend like you've never met Son before. So, those first few minutes are you building rapport. The reason I say that is if you if you do it now, it becomes easier when you didn't in the real life, in the real, in real life. Oh, my language, in in real life. Okay.

So, after you build rapport, what happens next? The next thing after rapport is matching. Okay. So the way you do this here is by subtly, very, very subtly aligning your behavior to the other person. This could be matching their tone. It could be matching the way they speak. It could also match their body posture. Right? Now, obviously on Zoom, it's much harder, but it can be done. So, for example, if a client is right up here, you might also go right up there, but subtly, right? Not like I just jump on and I see S here, I'll be like S. You'll just come in really closely. They'll just pick it up, right? The brain is doing that there. Okay? If somebody's speaking fast, you start speaking fast as well, but not straight away. Just subtly. You start changing. So you're not trying to copy and mimic them and be like so obvious. It's going to be subtle.

Then we're going to think about mirroring. Okay. Mirroring is when you basically are doing the same thing that the client is doing. Okay. It's reflecting the physiology. It's reflecting the behavior. So, for example, right now I'm rocking my chair because I can see Sana is rocking in her chair. Okay. Now, subconsciously, S will never pick that up. Okay. She's got that there and got produced locking in. But this is a way of your brain. Cuz remember, it's the non, the nonverbal stuff is how we connect the words. Yes. But it's the non-verbal things that are coming through. Why? Because subconsciously when you align, you create comfort. I'm not telling you to mimic. Don't mimic straight away because that's going to be awkward. It's going to be subtle. This is also a great tool if you are in a leadership position when you want you can dictate how things can go because you can also shift and change it and get people to mirror and match you.

And the last one is um, slides are changing is calibration. Calibration. This is important in coaching. Calibration is when you start noticing change. So what does that mean? It means that like Elaine said right at the start, is when you start noticing behavior. You start noticing body language. You start noticing tone. Calibration in coaching is, does the words match the behavior? So, for example, if I said to Fasil, "How excited are you about this job?" And he was like, "Yeah, I'm excited." Does that match? Is that calibrated? No. But if I go, "Hey, Basil, how excited about are you about this job?" "I'm so excited." Boom. You can see there's a calibration. Okay. A great question. I, I like to use scaling questions because scaling questions really allow you to calibrate with the client. So on a scale of 1 to 10 and how do you blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Okay. So that's the four ways. So you, the first way you start is you build rapport, the way we just did before. You match, you mirror, you calibrate, and you always do it subtly, apart from the rapport building. The rapport building is very intentional. Very, very intentional. Cool. Any questions? Any any comments? Because we are going to do an activity and it's a fun activity. Okay, the fun activity that we're going to be doing is this here. I'm going to create some breakout rooms and in a breakout room um you will have two minutes each and partner A is going to share what they had for breakfast or what kind of beak they had, whatever you choose, whichever one you want to go. And partner B is you are going to build rapport by matching the tone and pace of the partner. You're going to mirror as naturally as possible and you're going to calibrate. Okay. And then after that, we'll swap. Is that cool? Everyone got that there. Stop the share. Going to create some breakout rooms. Breakout rooms. All right, team. Have some fun. Um, and I'll see you all when I decide to close the rooms. All right, have fun. Doesn't like I'm sure I think.

Welcome back everybody. >> That was how that was too early. I know. Quick four, quick four minutes. [laughter] Quick. >> It was like was exactly four minutes and it straight away. >> How did you find that for those of you that gave it a crack? So I, I, I found out Karen in my room and it was really tough to match his energy but her energy obviously sorry because I, I've been noticing her energy from last many weeks but I tried to balance that energy uh obviously not by asking questions but eventually by showing the non-verbal clues but it was great like if you are conscious about the rapid building or maybe mirroring or maybe calibrating with the client then you you try to to to do those actions um maybe formally or informally but you try to measure that it was a good experience. >> So I think Basel's going to know when I'm on a very low week then. [laughter] [clears throat] >> Awesome. And this this is why it becomes important because just what Karen said right now, when you build rapport, understand your client, you're going to pick up the energetic shifts, right? So let's just say Karen is my client, week four, three weeks in a row, and I know Karen's energy. Week four comes along and Karen's energy is different. Awareness straight away, straight away. But you're not going to ask them what's wrong. You just have an awareness that Karen is not the person and they might bring it up, right? >> But within minutes at times, energy shifts as well. Like in our discussion, so energy was shifting from being blue to the brighter side of the week. >> I won't share the actual things, but yes, it was shifting from the blood side to the brighter side as well. >> I was going to say, I'll say the example I gave earlier about that software challenge, that was the start of this week and then so that was one energy shift and then as the week's gone on, things have got more positive in different aspects. So and that's where Basil was seeing all the exciting and I'm going to a medieval banquet straight after this. So exciting. [laughter] That that's very exciting. Ah, metal blank. Amazing. I'm, I'm, I'm curious. I'm very, very curious. You might have to share some pictures, pictures in our chat group for what what that looks like. >> We'll see. We'll see. >> Yeah, you can decide. >> I'll, I'll stop talking now. [laughter] >> Anyone else? Anyone else who wants to share the experience? >> Like I talked to Elaine and was she was very cheerful, very happy, elated. So I felt the same way. So no, like as she was showing me all the things that she have shown to her friends, right? You were describing what they have done and talking about her friends. So I guess I felt the same energy and I I tried to replicate it as well. Yeah, you did a great job, you know, like I, I felt encouraged telling the story because you were smiling and you were, you know, looking at me directly and and looking excited and it was really interesting because when we switched over and you were talking about the dogs and, you know, that's a very serious matter and you're obviously very, you know, what I noticed was that you, you, your physiology changed, your face physically changed to more serious face um, a more thoughtful expression and some and it, you know, it gave me the um, the sense that you or suggested to me that you're very passionate about this. So I actually physically had felt I had to melt my face down from a to a very serious. You, I literally could feel my face melting into this much more serious mode in order to match and be appropriate for the story that you were telling me. Um, yeah, it was really interesting. I had, I had, yeah, it wasn't, I've never been so conscious of changing my face for the other person um before. I might have probably have done it possibly or maybe not, but not been aware of it. >> No, you did. You did it because you were so elated when you were telling your story and then you were like, it was a slump, right? Your face changed and I was like, it was comfortable for me to share more. We were talking and talking and then then break out. >> Yeah. And I think what's important right there is the fact that you felt comfortable, right? Wasn't the words that made you feel comfortable. It was the fact that Elaine's demeanor changed. Imagine if you were talking about your story and Elaine was elated. Ah, happy. You wouldn't you would just not connect. You'd like, I'm talking about a serious topic and Elaine is on a different level here. This is the power of of that rapport matching. SA Majin, do you want to share anything from your room? Yes, it was really nice. Mean was matching my energy perfectly. She was asking some um lovely questions which were actually perking me up, I would say. So yeah, it was it was lovely talking to her. >> Awesome. >> Yeah. And I'm uh I, I, I started off first and I told about my breakfast and all and it was so interesting to hear in return. She was like, "You're so calm. I don't know how to mirror that." [laughter] So I said, "All right, let's talk about your weekend." Her week went by and um that was amazing. And then immediately looking at her excitement and all she was sharing uh I was like Ela said that this time I was very uh conscious of the fact that okay, I'm m I'm mirroring and I also increased my intentionally increased my excitement level two after you know hearing what she was saying. So yes, I think I, I was more aware this time of middling. It may have hap have happened uh naturally earlier on, but for sure this time it was more intentional and I could see the difference that made because our conversation, you know, extended and uh we felt that okay, four minutes were too short. >> Yeah. Amazing. And this this is the the beauty of this little exercise. A lot of you are probably doing this and subconsciously all the time. But the purpose of this was to see when you're consciously and intentional about mirroring, matching, calibration, how powerful it becomes. So what does that mean? That means when you go into a coaching session, if you're feeling whatever you're feeling and if the client is feeling the opposite, you have to start intentionally going, "All right, cool. I need to shift my state. Shift my state." So the if you take away nothing from today, take away the fact that state change is really important. State change is the most important thing when you go into any coaching session and then obviously after as well, but hopefully you've taken away more than that, otherwise could you find me? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. [gasps and sighs] Right now, let's talk about this is some great learning. Now, what does it actually mean for you? Because you're on an ICF pathway, right? So NLP, how does it, how does it map into what we're actually doing over the next of of our training here? So these are, as you know, these are the um competencies here, but let's match them over. So NLP presupposition, the map is not the territory. What it does is it is embodying the coaching mindset. Cuz remember, in the coaching mindset, you're trying to explore. It's an exploration. Every behavior has a positive intention. This is you as a coach demonstrating ethical practice. So the concerns that was raised just before, you can see how in the ICF world, you don't come with judgment, you come with curiosity. That is ethical practice. Just because I don't agree with it doesn't mean that I, if I've agreed to coach the client and I'm going working with them, I don't start judging them. But if I choose not to, if I choose not to coach them, then again, I am demonstrating ethical practice because my behavior, the positive intention is that I'm not going to be a great coach. Do you see? I'm canceling the contract because my behavior of canceling is a positive intention is I won't be the great coach. You see how it all works? It's all coming around in full circle. There's no failure, only feedback. This is you helping establish agreement and maintaining awareness as a coach. Um, people have all the resources they need. This is you cultivating trust and safety by the question that you ask. The meaning of communication is the response that you get. This is maintaining presence. How a client might be rambling on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about the emphasis on maybe travel, and then my question is, "So how was work?" [snorts] Whoa, what are you talking about? Because I have not maintained presence at all because the meaning, so the reaction is going to be like, "What is going on here?" Okay. Number six, if what you're doing isn't working, do something else. It's you listening actively because you can challenge the clients on what they're doing. People behaviors is evoking a awareness when a client comes up with own behavior, someone else's behaviors. Remember a reminder that through your questioning, everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have is facilitating client growth, acknowledging what the client has. And the last one, the person with the most flexibility controls the system is everything. All the ISF competencies are basically in that one there. Okay? Because you have foundation, you're co-creating, you're communicating, and you're cultivating because you have the most flexibility. Now, also just be aware that you're not going to get questioned on this in any exam. This is just you mapping across what it actually looks like in NLP to your ICF. Right? Let's have some fun. Now you've done all the learning. Let us give you a case study here. This is a true, true story. This is a client of mine and the client came and shared lots blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And I'm just going to give you the stuff that's important for this session here. So Sarah is 35 years old. Sarah is a small business owner of online wellness products. Okay. Now, this is the presenting challenge. I freeze when I try to post online. I worry about what people will think. I feel like I'll be exposed as a fraud. Okay, that is the presenting challenge. During our conversation, this is what I, we learned. Sarah has a history of bullying and being mocked for speaking up at school. Sarah wants to grow her business but procrastinates out of fear. Sarah also experiences physical anxiety symptoms before showing up online. Okay, this is our case that we're going to be working on. Okay, question number one is, what stands out to you about Sierra's situation? Feel free to put in the chat, to actually unmute yourself and and share what you think. What stands out to you about sir's situation? I'll go back to the screen so you can have a look at that there. Just first impressions. Anybody want to share? I say I always share, but I was hoping other people would as well. Um, I basically, I don't think she feels she's good enough. Awesome. Yep. Beautiful. She's not good enough. Fantastic. Phasal past affecting present. Past experiences holding her back. Emphasis. Okay. Cool. Awesome. Cool. So again, I'm just >> bullying. Yeah, which uh sort of, you know, uh she finds very, she struggles to uh find her own inner self-confidence and, you know, confidence in her own capabilities. Uh, that's that's the first impression, you know, that jumps out. >> Okay. Awesome. So every single one of us has got a first impression, right? And I do this because in any situation when we hear a client, we're going to have assumptions. Assumptions, impressions, and reactions. That's what's going to happen. Right? So you'll have them there. So this is what I had. Okay. Fear of judgment and exposure shows, as you've all said here. So low self-worth, imposter syndrome. Procrastination is a protection mechanism. Sarah is avoiding discomfort. The language reveals limiting beliefs. So I'll be exposed. Safe enough to speak. There's a disconnect between her goals and internal state. So she wants to be online and grow the business, but she's afraid of being visible. And when we think about that, the challenge is not about social media. It's about identity, safety, and past trauma. As you said, now, the reason we say this because clients are going to come to you with a symptom, but not the true cause. So in this example, Sarah came to me about sort of posting on social media, but it had nothing to do with social media, like we spoke about this trauma from bullying, this confidence, these issues, this past stuff, right? So as we look at this here, which NLP presuppositions might apply to Sarah's case and how will they might, how could they guide your coaching? There's one thing that we didn't talk about, which is change is inevitable, but that's another presupposition as well. >> I think the every behavior has a positive intention. You know, her positive intention is about protecting herself and avoiding ridicule. Um, feeling being safe, feeling safe. Um, so procrastinating, the procrastinating is preventing her, you know, keeping her safe versus taking a big risk. Um, yeah. >> Awesome. Cool. Beautiful. Anyone else? So it could be people have all the resources they need, like she, she does have all the resources and eventually she's exploring those as well by going through the coaching session, maybe she's, she's trying to, she's explored the available options around maybe reflections and the change is inevitable, like now she has to come out of this state and eventually move towards the future state. Um, and last part as well, there is no failure, only feedback. That that actually applies as well. She could learn from those experiences and eventually move towards the new experiences. >> Beautiful. Love this. Great. >> Yeah, I see a bit of everything. Little bit of everything here. People are not their behaviors as well because um, she might be appearing to be a certain way, but there, it's very layered and complex and there are reasons lying underneath to her feelings. Uh, beside, you know, that, um, like vessel mentioned, people have all the resources they need, she has the resources, she has it all in her, she just needs to explore those areas and overcome whatever fears that she's having. So yeah. >> Awesome. Beautiful. >> And the map is not the territory as well because like she talks about a problem, but there's more to. Yeah. Awesome. Beautiful. You know, people are >> Sorry. Go ahead. >> No, no, no. You carry on. Carry on. >> I was going to say people are not their behaviors. You know, maybe that's the angle for coaching her, helping her to see um, that, you know, as you said, somebody, um, people can change their behavior and, you know, as others said here about failure and feedback. So trying to get trying to help her to feel prepared to take the risk to try and then see what happens. >> Exactly. What happens if you post something and nobody says anything? >> Is that fair? Is that feedback? How do we take that? Do I, does that mean I've got to change the way I post? So I now post a a reel instead of a carousel. So it's, it's, it's feedback, right? >> Awesome. So I'm going to go to them here. So people know their behaviors. Okay. So Sarah's avoidance isn't who she is. It's a coping strategy, as we said before. So in your coaching, how do you do that? That you help her separate her identity from response. You ask your fear by asking those questions, right? The map is not the territory. Sarah believes that visibility equals danger. That is her map. That is her map, not objective reality. I already explore that map there. What else could it mean when someone else sees you online? Every behavior has a positive intention. Like we've said before, her freeze response is is protecting her from harm and judgment. It's helped her survive when she was being bullied. Acknowledge that. And what is this part trying to do for you now? The word is now what? Okay. People have all the resources they need. Sarah has likely experienced confidence, courage, expressions, other contexts, and help access that there. Can you recall a time when you felt confident doing something? Cuz she has no confidence, right? Change is inevitable. Her business and identity evolving. Fear of visibility is part of the growth edge. Okay. The meaning of communication is response that you get. Her pulse may be misunderstood, but that doesn't mean she's wrong. Okay. So, you shift the focus on how she can respond to feedback, not avoid it. [snorts] There's no failure on your feedback. Like we said before, it's not a personal failure. It's just feedback. So again, help again, this is something that we can do with a lot of our clients, helping our clients detach themselves from self-worth from performance, and everyone in this room here is guilty of helping of having self-worth to performance at some point in our life. So how do you detach that there? Okay, what do you learn from that there? Um, language patterns. So language patterns we heard there, we said people will judge me. I'll be exposed as a fraud. When I, I always freeze when I post. It's safer not to speak. So going back to right at the start, where what language patterns are we noticing? Deletion, distortion, generalizations, and what questions could you ask? Don't worry about writing. If you don't, you can just share now. Right now. People will judge me. I'll be exposed as a fraud. I always freeze when I try to post. It's safer not to speak. What do you reckon? Could you say, "What's the worst thing that could possibly happen?" and ask her to answer that, and then ask her, "What's the best thing that could possibly happen?" >> You can do that totally over here, 100%. You could do that there. You could totally do that there. But in this, in this example, right here, um, what are the language patterns here that we're noticing? Sorry. >> Sorry. So when Sarah says, "People will judge me," maybe a leading question could be like, "What does she mean by people? Who exactly? Who are these people?" And um >> Who specifically does she mean? And for example, "I'll be exposed as a fraud." What is her understanding and definition or contextualization of fraud? What does being a fraud mean to her? And "I always freeze when I try to post." Uh, what does the state of freeze imply to her? What actually happens? Is it, is it like a physical state that she's getting into? Uh, what all does that entail, if at all? Is it a mental state? So more exploration on that. And "It's safer not to speak." So what constitutes as safe for her? Like, is it, is it, for example, afraid of judgments of the people and that makes her feel unsafe? But then let her say that, um, if at all. But then what does safer mean and what does not speaking would do to that, uh, understanding of safety which Sarah has. So more probing, uh, into that. I >> Yeah. Cool. Anyone else? I think, uh, it's a lot of generalizations here that she's generalizing everything that's, uh, happening around her. And I think more strength-based questions might help here. If it's, she's saying it's safer not to speak, so what would make it safe for you to speak? Or, "I always freeze when I write a post." What would help you not not feel frozen? So maybe a shift towards, um, moving the spotlight on her strengths might, uh, help her. Or, or maybe asking her if she's had a similar experience, uh, before, how has she tried to cope with that in the past and how well has she been able to cope with it? So that might help her navigate. >> Amazing. Amazing. And again, you look at the languaging, right? Like we said, people, what people don't want. I'll be exposed as a fraud. Okay. How do you know that? When was the last time you were a fraud? I always freak. I always freeze when I try to post. Always. That's a question. It's safe enough to speak, according to who? Because sometimes it's the most simple questions. So all your questions are correct. They're all correct. But also sometimes you go, right, cool. I'm just going to ask a simple question. Okay. So people will judge me. This generalization. Who, who specifically will judge you? How do you know they will judge you? Have you ever been positively judged? So like you said, son, a strength-based question. Have you ever, because judgment doesn't have to be negative, right? You can go, okay, when were you positively judged? Uh-huh. Are they exposed as a fraud? What does being a fraud mean to you? Like you said, Majin, what evidence supports their belief? What would authentic look like instead? So, flipping around again, strength-based question. It's safer not to speak. Safe from what? What would make speaking possible? Or the converse is, what is the cost of staying silent? Cool. Can you see? So Elaine at the start, right at the start, if we loop back, you asked about how this can come into coaching. Can you see now how this languaging is really prevalent all the time? And and and I guess this is where being so holding your peace and not not falling into the trap of keeping asking questions, but in, you know, according to a a process like, you know, I've always had grow and it's like, what's the next grow question, but rather being silent, noticing, listening, and, you know, it sounds like almost like picking out what's the word that they're, what the, the word that they're saying and and [clears throat] what, what's going on underneath that. And let me ask a question about that word. >> 100%. 100%. And this is, this is um, I'm glad you raised this, Elaine, because a lot of people when they start their coach training focus on the next question and then listen. And you'll see a lot of people ask, "Oh, can we get a list of questions? Can we get this here?" Because you're not being present for the client. You're just going to cool. I've got a process. There's a process. There's definitely a process here, but the process is not the questions. The process is the awareness. And like I said, late is listening for the words. Cuz if we miss these words here, it's safer not to speak. And we just go, "What's stopping you from speaking?" We've missed the fact that we feel safer. Like that's what that's what it is. It's not about the not speaking. It's the word safer. Right. Amazing. Beautiful. I'm going to play this clip. You may have seen this clip before. If you have, um, just play along. If you haven't seen this clip, um, enjoy it. [gasps] Um, can you hear sound? Can you hear the sound? Yep. Okay. The monkey business illusion. Count how many times the players wearing white passed the ball. What's the answer? How many times? How many passes? >> White one's 10. Uh >> 10's 11. >> 10. >> 10. S >> I got 14. I counted. Yes, I counted 15 actually. 14 or 15. >> 14. 14. 15. Awesome. Am I missing one? Cuz I can just see missing. So Karen says, "Okay, cool." The answer is 16. >> The correct >> 16 passes. Okay. So, everyone go back to school today. No, I'm just kidding. 16 >> answer is 16 passes. >> Did you >> Did you spot the gorilla? Who's brought the gorilla? I see a couple that said yes. bought the gorilla. >> I saw the gorilla. >> For people who haven't seen or heard about a video like this before. >> Yeah. >> Or about half missed the gorilla. >> If you knew about the gorilla, you probably saw it. But did you notice the curtain changing color or the player on the black team leaving the game? >> The curt, the the curtain and the black curtain. Let's rewind and watch it again. Here comes the gorilla. And there goes a player and the curtain is changing from red to gold. When you're looking for a gorilla, you often miss other unexpected events. So why do I share a video to end of today's education piece? I end of I show this video because when you're so focused at looking at one thing, we forget about the rest. So the question asks us to focus on the white, the white players passing the ball, which means we block our brain. Our brain block things out. Our bra, our brain is subconsciously deleting, distorting, generalizing, and focusing. So this is happening all the time. It is not a flaw. It is not a bad thing. It is just our biology and our physiology. in action all the time. So even for yourself, for yourself, my invitation for you is to think about in any situation, what am I not seeing? What have I missed? What do I think I'm seeing versus what is actual reality? Because at the end of the day, like I said, none of us in this, none of us in this zoom screen are living reality. We are living our perception of reality. And when we start realizing that there, it is going to help in any communication that you have, not just in in the coaching session, but also if you have a partner, if you have a child, if you are working in a situation, cuz each one of them is living their reality, their perception of reality. Cool. Any questions, comments, thoughts about the education piece of today?

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Session 6 - Introduction to Neuro-linguistic Programming (20th June Cohort 2026)

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