Transcription
Family, Pastor Darius here, and man, I'm excited about this message that you are about to watch. First of all, I want to thank you for being a part of this community. I know maybe you're watching this for the first time. Some of you might be watching this for the first time, but others of you are part of this community. This is a trusted source of spiritual nourishment for you, so I'm glad to be that. I'm honored by that trust.
But this is probably one of the most important messages I've taught this year, and it's on relationships because your relationships are an area where your peace and your purpose are probably most impacted. I want to give you Kingdom Keys here, so I want you to have an open heart, open mind. I want you to be in a posture of receptivity because I believe God's going to shift some things in you, and they're going to shift your relationships. Enjoy the message.
Well, well, let's get, let's go together to the Book of Genesis, chapter 3, beginning at verse number 8. I'm going to read a few verses of scripture coming from the English Standard Version of the Bible, and it reads like this: "And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, 'Where are you?'"
Yes, sir. I want to stop the reading of scripture and talk from this subject in our time together. We need to talk. Clap your hands if you're ready for God's word, everybody. We, we need to talk.
Family, as we ease into this introduction today, today I'm reminded of an experience I had at Kilmichael Elementary School in Kilmichael, Mississippi, in the second grade, in Miss Austin's class. I'm sitting in my desk, digging the scene with the student, lean, whoop, whoop. And I get tapped on the shoulder by my friend Ernest Curtis. We call him Little Bit. I look back and I say, "What's up?" He gives me a note. I say, "Who's this from?" He points to a little shorty in the back. I say, "Okay." I open the note, and the note I got was something similar to this.
Yes, sir. It's the commentary in the crowd. Give me somebody. Said, "I've had many of those." All right, now. Some would see this communication as childish. I see this communication as clear. I say that even though this happened in a lot of our childhood, it is something we should have brought into adulthood. This is not cloudy communication. This is not passive aggressiveness. This is not suggestive. This is not in you window. This is not up for interpretation. There is no ambiguity. There is no dubiousness. There is no greatness. It says what it means, and it means what it says. "I like you. Do you like it? Do you like me?" And I'm giving you two options. I didn't put a "pray about it" box. I didn't put a "think about it" box, because you don't have to pray. Come on now. You don't have to pray. You don't have to pray about something you can look at and decide, "Do you like me or not?"
I'm arguing that although Jesus did not mean this in practice, that we can apply this in principle, that there are some things that are done the King's Way that cannot happen until we enter into it like a little child. That's good. That's so good. That there are some things that we leave in childhood, we should have brought into adulthood. Your faith, and your imagination, and your innocence, and your optimism, and your belief in your ability to do anything you put your mind to and become anyone that you believe God had called and created you to be. You didn't see your location as a limitation. You didn't see what other people didn't do as an indication of what you could do. You knew then, even when you didn't have the language, you had the conviction of the principle of exception, that what happens with them does not dictate and determine what happens with me. And just because they didn't make it out doesn't mean I can't make it out. And just because they didn't do it doesn't mean it can't be done. There are some things in childhood we should have brought to adulthood. Good.
And I'm arguing that this kind of clear communication is something that is often left in childhood that should be brought to adulthood because, because when it's brought to adulthood, it can shift a relationship. Somebody say shift. Shift. What's a shift, Pastor? It's a change in position or location. So anyone who wants a great relationship has to experience relationships because if a person is in a relationship that does not undergo a series of relation shifts, they will look up one day and discover, "We had a great relationship, but we no longer have a great relationship." So we will live in the present off of the momentum of memories we created in the past, because we had something we no longer have because we didn't make shifts. And relationships have to shift because the people we in relationship with shift. Let me go to this side and try that. That made sense to me. I don't know. I said, "Our relationships have to shift because the people we are in relationship with shift." Am I making sense?
Tim Keller, God rest his soul, says this: "Anyone that's in a long-term relationship will wake up one day and roll over to a stranger because life changes people in ways they can't predict." Did you hear what I said? And so it means that I've got to learn how to love and how to lead and how to serve and how to relate to a different version of the same person. And a different version of the same person can often feel like a completely different person. And if I don't shift, I'll be in relationship with the old person who's become a new person, so I'll be giving them what they used to need. Is anybody going to help this preacher preach this today? Somebody say shift. Shift. Come on, say it again. Say shift. Shift.
Now, here's the good news, family. Here's the good news. God is a God of shifts. But I want you to understand this, okay? I want you to understand that there are some things that God shifts. Listen to me. For us, there are some things you look at that we can look at in our life, and if we're honest and objective, we can point at it and say, "God did that." I can't take credit for it. I, I, I, I can't get the praise for it. I can't take responsibility for it. God did that. God is the one that parted the proverbial Red Sea in my life when you found yourself in a season where you felt trapped, and God somehow, when there wasn't a way, he made a way. You were filled with angst and anxiety, and you were afraid, and you were up at night, and you were stressed, and you were stressed about a false prophecy that never became a reality because God blocked it and opened it, and he did it.
There are some shifts He does for us. But then there are other shifts He does through us. And when it comes to our relation shifts, God says, "This is the thing I got to do through you." And if you want to shift, you need to talk. If you want to shift, you need to talk. If you want to shift, you need to talk, because some relational transformation is on the other side of the right conversations. Pastor, where did you get that from? The Bible. I got it from the inventor of relationships. I got it from the most reliable source of relational flourishing and prospering in culture. I, I got it. I got it from the one who created the human species. And the creator of a thing knows what's best for that thing. Wow.
I got it from the creator of the human species, who, when he created the first human, Adam, he looked at Adam, and the first thing he gave Adam was not a woman. He gave him responsibility. Oh my God. Sheesh. Did you catch that? Because how he handles responsibility is indicative whether or not he's ready for a woman. That's... Did you hear what I just said? Yeah. The first thing he gave him was responsibility, right? He gave him responsibility for responsibility. And so, and, and as, as he observes Adam carrying out this responsibility, which part of what he did, he named the animals, right? He, he realizes and recognizes, "It's not good for man to be alone." It's an interesting observation. It's a unique observation because we don't know if this is literal. It's probably metaphorical. But it talks about how God, um, creates the world in seven days. Peter says, "A day to the Lord is like a thousand years to us." So this is literal, metaphorical, it doesn't matter. But the point is, over a period of time, what we see is God orchestrating the existence of the universe. And on the first day, he created, stepped back and evaluated it, and said, "It's good." Second day, he created, stepped back and evaluated it, said, "It's good." Third, fourth, fifth day, stepped back and evaluated it, and said, "It's good." On the sixth day, he created man, stepped back and evaluated it, and said, "It's not good." Because God isn't a God that settles. "Not good" is not good enough. I'm going to say that one more time, because God is not the God that settles. "Not good" is not good enough. Did you hear what I said?
So he creates Adam, and he creates Eve. And the Bible says these are... that when Adam sees Eve, he says, "This is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh." God sent her. He had to see her. So some people are asking, "When God's going to send?" And God's asking, "When are some people going to see?" Did you hear what I? Adam had enough sense to see. And sometimes the problem is not your value. Sometimes the problem is their vision. Their vision won't let them see what's valuable. Their vision won't let them see that you're an asset. And some people don't know you're an asset until you're absent. Y'all missed it. And the only reason some of us tolerate people who don't value our worth is because we don't know it. And their greatest mistake is mismanaging us in our season of ignorance. Because when God gives you a revelation of who you really are, then they spin the block. You look at them and you say, "You should have kept me when I didn't know who I am. Now that I know who I am, I know I don't even fit with you." Let me say, "You used to be attracted to me. The insecure version of me was attracted to you. The immature version of me was attracted to you." It's not whether or not I was attracted. It's what version of me found you attractive.
This is why, this is why it's dangerous to pick before you grow. If you haven't picked yet, my advice to you is to grow as much as you can. Use this single season to grow as much as you can because when you evolve, your attraction does too. Y'all aren't talking to me. She's throwing stuff at you now, brother. You think that's cute? But when you grow, what was cute in one season feels toxic in another.
God, who's the inventor of relationships, gives us some insight on the power of conversations and their ability to shift the relationship. What happens in Genesis 3? I don't have time to go through all of the backdrop, but let me sermonic summarize this. You have God who's in relationship with Adam. Adam does something that's a violation of the terms of the relationship. Got me? Okay. So when something is out of alignment relationally, God immediately engages conversationally. God's like, "What we're not going to do is walk around this garden and act like you didn't just eat that fruit." Now, if all you had did was walk around the tree, I would have nothing to say. If all you had did, come on, was look at the tree, I would have had nothing to say. If all you had done was admire the tree, I wouldn't have had anything to say, because I'm not nitpicky. So we don't have to just talk about everything. But if it impacts, come on, the peace in the garden, come on, come on, man. What we're not going to do is walk around and act like that didn't happen.
Yes, sir. And notice what God does. He engages conversationally. I'm not going to bother this not with an accusation. He engages conversationally with a question. And he asks the question even though he knows the answer. Did you hear what I just said? He knows the answer. Yes, sir. He asks, "What's the question, Pastor?" He asks Adam, "Where are you?" He knows the answer. He's omniscient, so he knows where Adam is. He knows he has a problem because Adam's eaten the fruit. But he asks a question because he wants to see if he has another problem. We know we got a fruit-eating problem. I need to know, do we have a lying problem? Let me go to this side. Woo. Yeah. I, I know we have a fruit-eating problem. I need to know, do we have a pride problem? I know we have a fruit-eating problem. I need to know, do we have a defensiveness problem?
Notice now, notice what he does. He says, he says, "Adam, where are you?" He knows where Adam is. He's asking the question because he needs to know if Adam knows where he is. Because if Adam don't know where he is, that means there's a problem, and Adam don't know there's a problem. That's a problem in and of itself. It's like, "You can't see that we're not good at him." It's one thing for us to have a problem. It's another thing for you not to see this a problem. So you think this is functional? This is not dysfunctional to you? Yes, this is okay for you. I know we got the problem, but I have a problem if it's not a problem.
This is important, family. It shows us that it takes conversation to reveal the location of a relationship. It's like God is saying to Adam, "We're in the same garden, but we're not in the same place." Thank you, somebody got it. I said, "Did you hear what I just said?" Because it's possible to be in the same relationship and not be in the same place. Adam's feeling one way about the relationship. God's like, "I don't feel that way about the relationship." And, am I making sense here? That, and just as that is the case in, in the Garden of Eden, that can be the case in people's relationships. We can be in the same place, and we're not in the same location. And it takes conversation to reveal the location. And I'm telling you, very little is more frustrating than being in a relationship with somebody that can't locate you. You with me? But you don't, you don't really know where I am. Watch this. You know my proximity, but you don't know my location. Because I got to believe if you really knew my location, you'd be acting differently. Let me go to this side. Because I know you can act differently, because you act differently when you think you're going to lose me. So I know, I know y'all not talking to me. I, I know it's in you because I see glimpses of it. I know it's in you because I've experienced it sporadically and episodically. I know it's in you, but you, you know my proximity, but you really don't know my location. You know I'm not blissful, but you have no idea I'm miserable. You know I, I hadn't left, you have no idea how much I'm struggling to stay. You know I'm committed, but you don't know it's because of my commitment to God. It's because I'm committed because I want to be holy, not because I'm actually happy. You know my proximity, but you haven't located me.
So it takes conversation to reveal location. It takes conversation to reveal location. It takes conversation to reveal location. And a certain type of conversation, a conversation like what we see here modeled in the Garden of Eden with God. Because see, the right conversation, the wrong way, shifts the relationship in the wrong direction. So this series, "Relation Shifts," is about developing relationship competencies. A competency is an acquired skill. So this is about acquiring and improving certain relationship competencies. And when I improve those competencies, those competencies shift a relationship. Because you do know a relationship is really nothing but a construct. Like, you can't fix it. You can only fix the people in it. Did you hear what I just said? It's like, it's a construct. It's not, "My relationship's broken." No, it's not. Right, right. Relationships don't break themselves. Right, right. People break relationships. So there's no such thing as fixing it. We fix us. Where is my church? We fix us. And if I don't want to fix me, I need to stay with me. That's what it means if we're doing it the King's Way. Now, if you're doing it culture's way, I don't know. If you're doing it church's way, I don't know. But if you want to do more than live sinking, if you want to do more than be relationally surviving, but if we want to be relationally thriving, then we got to develop the competencies.
It's the law of priority. Priority means prioritizing, not quote unquote, "just a relationship." Prioritizing the things that shift the relationship is a competency. And somehow we haven't been discipled into this in a religious context, right? We just been told, "Don't cheat, don't beat, and please don't do that," right? But you need more than that to thrive. We need competencies. Love is not enough. Y'all not ready for this. You're not ready for what? Not this month. Y'all not. I know you're not. Love is important. It's foundational. But whether or not a relationship thrives, it's not just based on whether or not we love each other. It's what kind of love do we have for each other? Is it just Eros, or is it Agape? Because that's the only one that doesn't attach the love to conditions. And some people say, "I don't believe in unconditional love." Unconditional love, whatever. I don't bother that. Don't bother it. That, that doesn't mean you're subject. Like, you can love somebody and leave because they're not healthy. So unconditional doesn't always mean, it doesn't mean I tolerate dysfunction, right? It just means my love for you doesn't have conditions. I can love you and say, "We're not for each other," and I still want nothing but the best for you. But you're going to have to be better for the next person. Let me go over here. I'm a better person. I know you are. But it's been too much done. So you're going to have to be better for them. And I want you to, I want you to, because I am. I got to go.
Here it is. So we need to learn from God on how to do this. Now, let Pastor be honest. I'm teaching us this because all of us, we need to grow in this area. I'm not saying if we get this right, it makes everything right, because next week I'm talking to you about something else. Today is about communication. Next week is about comprehension. Yes, indeed. Because we, we got to fix that part too, because it doesn't matter how you say it. You can sing it, but some people, it's like, "How many different times do you want me to say this?" I've tap-danced and said it. I did the percolator and said it. I did the Tostito Roll. I've done everything I know how. How do you want me to say this? Active listening is a relational competency. So there can be no comprehension if I don't train myself to listen to hear the longing as opposed to listening to rebuttal. Next week. But we need to shift in this communication.
I want to give you four keys that I, that I see in scripture that can help us. Four things that we need to consider, that we need to take into consideration if we want conversations that will shift relationships. And the first one right here is timing. Ecclesiastes 3:7 says, "There is a time to tear down, there is a time to build up. There is a time to keep silent, and there is a time to speak." Now, when I talk about timing, I might not mean what you think I mean, okay? Yes, sir. You, it's possible that you, you're assuming that when I say timing, I mean, "Hey, don't, don't have the, don't have a tough conversation after they had a tough day, right? Don't have a hard conversation when they're in the middle of a hard season, loss, grief, etc." All of that's true, but that's not where I'm leaning into today. I'm talking about timing in the sense that, in my experience, many couples have these kind of conversations too late. I love it. It's the pace for me. Come on. Sir, here it is. Here it is. Let me wrap up. Here it is. Don't miss this. This is interesting. Here it is, family. Sometimes by the time people have the conversation, there's been an accumulation of so many issues that when the door is open, everything comes out. Now we're trying to deal with everything, so we can't fix anything. So there's got to be more regularity in the conversations so that there's not so much accumulation. Because you don't just accumulate issues, you accumulate emotions. Yes. Yes, sir. Woo. And so by the time all of those issues are expressed, the emotions now, watch this, cause you to communicate the issues in complaint and not in a need. So you're declaring what they are not doing and not articulating what you actually need. Timing.
Number two: Tone. "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each person." Let's look at the text. Somebody say the text. T. Okay, let's look at the text. Here it is. So here's what, uh, Paul says. It needs to be gracious, but then he just says it needs to be seasoned. Come on now. Come on now. He says, "It, it needs to be seasoned. It needs to be seasoned with salt." So be gracious, but you don't have to be without seasoning. Tone is the emotion you attach to what you're saying. Now, often when this is taught in church, people assume the preacher means, "All right, don't be disrespectful." Of course, I mean that. "Don't be condescending." Of course, I mean that. "Don't be harsh." Of course, I mean that. But gracious does not mean emotionless. Some people's problem, if they have, is they have the wrong tone. Other people's problem is you have no tone. So they hear you, but they don't feel you. Because being gracious does not mean emotionless. Sometimes you need to feel the gravity of how this impacted me, and the only way you're going to feel that is if I attach an emotion to it that lets you know I'm serious. Y'all aren't talking to me. So tone matters. And so some people's problem is they don't know how you really feel because you hadn't seasoned it with salt. You told them, "It's the last time," but your tone doesn't make you believable. See, some people think because there is emotion attached, that means I'm being emotional. So when Jesus told Peter, "Get thee behind me, Satan," how do you think he said that? You think that was monotone? No, sir. No. Come on, let's be reasonable here. "Get thee behind me, Satan, for thou art an offense to the things of God." You think there was no body language there? If someone has to be emotionless, that means somebody is emotionally immature. I understand you don't want me disrespecting you, but you can't take a frown. You hurt me, and you don't want me to frown. Let me go over here. I can't frown. You hurt me now, or you broke something that I got to fix. You got us in a predicament that you cannot get us out of yourself, and I'm just supposed to be, "Praise God from whom all blessings flow." I'm done.
Tio. Number three. Number three: Truth. Now, when I talk about speaking truth, of course, I'm talk, of course, it's important to speak God's truth. That's what I'm saying. Of course, suppose not the lie. That's not, but that's not the angle I'm taking here. I, I want to read you something, uh, that Paul says. He says, "Rather speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ." So watch this. Speaking the truth not only grows the person that hears it. Sometimes it grows the person that hears it, because just because they heard truth doesn't mean they receive it. And you grow from the truth you receive, not the truth you hear. That's seed falling on stony ground. Here it is. So truth sometimes grows the person that hears it. It always grows the person that speaks it when it's spoken in love.
Here's what Jimmy Evans says: "Truth without love is mean. Love without truth is meaningless. Truth in love is medicine." So in order for relationships to work, I not only have to speak God's truth, I got to speak mine. And it means I need to be in relationship with somebody that respects my truth, that allows me to be a different individual than them, and to articulate my feelings, even if they are feelings that are not their truth. It's mine, though. This is mine. Now, even if you can't relate, yeah, I'm, I'm not going to bother. Yes, I am. Most people feel like because they can't relate, it means it's illegitimate. If you can't relate, it means you're unqualified to judge it. So how y'all missed it? How can you tell me it's illegitimate if you can't relate? I'm done.
Tio. Here. I remember one time I was talking to, um, a counselor about something, and I said, "I can't understand why they did that or why they do that," etc. And the counselor knew some of the stuff that person had went through. And they looked at me and said, "Darius, thank God you can't." Jesus. Because to understand, yeah, while they are responding that way, yeah, would mean you would have to have gone through. Jesus said, "Thank God you can't." But how much truth you get means a person's truth is based on number four, and that's trust.
There's a scripture in Proverbs. Well, let's, let's, I want you to see this because this is important. Proverbs 11:13: "Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered." Now, this is not encouraging enablement. This is not saying cover things that need to be exposed so that they can be improved. This is referring to this idea of unnecessary exposure. When someone told someone they thought they could trust. There's a scripture in Proverbs 31 that talks about the Proverbs 31 Woman. I think it applies to husbands and wives because it says, "The heart of a husband safely trusts in her." And we could also say, "The heart of his wife safely trusts in him." It means that you are trusted with a degree of vulnerability that they believe won't be weaponized against them later. It means that if I sit you down now and I expose to you mama issues, yeah, that when I'm triggered in the future, you're not going to weaponize that vulnerability against me. There you go with your mama issues. Wait a minute now. You want me to keep telling you truth when you have demonstrated you're not safe? What I owe you is honesty. You have to earn my vulnerability. And the more safe you feel, the more vulnerable I'll be.
These are keys to shift relationships. And God wants to shift them. And you might not even need to shift it yet, but if you stay together, something's going to change, and you're going to need to make a shift. And a shift's on the other side of the ability to have these conversations. You can't shift anything in a relationship without a conversation. You can't shift your financial status. You can't shift intimacy. You can't shift anything without this. And the devil wants us in chaos and not walking in peace in this area. But the devil is a liar. We will win here. We will win here. And we will be an example to others on what can happen when you do this the King's Way. And that's my prayer for us.
How many right now like, "I need all four of these sermons." Uh, like, right now. Just, Pastor, just do a revival. I need part two tomorrow. I just can't wait. I need all of this. Well, the first relationship we need to get right if we're going to shift a relationship is our relationship with Jesus.