Transcription
Hey, there he is. High five. Down low. Too slow. Come here, clown. Upside down. Um.
Hello, Charlie. Judith, how's it going? Hey, Uncle Charlie. Show Mom how I mopped the floor with my hair. Well, it's not really mopping. It's more like dusting. What if you drop him on his head? I guess I will have to mop. Wonderful.
Where's Alan? He's in the kitchen. Walk this way. Master. Your factually ambivalent ex-wife is here. I'm not ambivalent. I'm exploring. Yes, mistress. Thanks for bringing Jake over. Well, I wanted to give you this anyway. What is it? It's the bill for my divorce lawyer. You haven't been paying them? Told you they'd notice. I also need you to look this over and sign it.
And what is this? My lawyer recommended I take out a bigger life insurance policy on you. You know, in case you should die and can't pay the alimony and legal fees. Why don't you have him frozen? Then you can use him to keep your drinks cold, too. And who's supposed to pay for this policy? You are. And please try me on time with the premiums. Boy, my shallow, empty lifestyle is looking pretty good right about now. Okay.
Well, as long as we're on the subject of lawyers and death, my lawyer recommended that I redraft my will. And you know what? If I die after you die, guess who gets custody of Jake? Charlie. Charlie? Me? What about my sister? I never liked your sister. This is the sister I slept with. Shut up! Charlie. Ellen, you can't be serious. He's immature. He drinks too much. He sleeps around. He is completely irresponsible. Yeah, well, you should have thought of that before you threw me out. Yeah. All right. Alan, you're obviously angry and trying to get even with me, but I am not going to take the bait. I will see you on Sunday. Goodbye.
Hey, man. Thanks. For what? For trusting me. You know, to take care of Jake when you croak. Oh. Oh. I'm sorry. You didn't think I was serious, did you? Oh, no. I just said that to piss her off. All right. Good one.
Hey. I don't want to go to summer camp. Are you kidding? You'll have a great time. Look at this one. It's a computer camp with a theater program. Ethernet by day. No, no, Nanette by night. I don't want to go to camp. If the kid doesn't want to go, don't make him go. Yeah. He's ten. He's old enough to work. What? When I was your age, I spent my summers hosing tarantulas off bananas in the back of my stepfather's truck. Hey, what's going on? I'm going to camp. Okay.
Morning, all. Beautiful day. You're in a good mood. Well, I suppose I am. Got a little email this morning from an ex-girlfriend who says she needs to see me. No kidding. I wonder if she's knocked up. Nobody's knocked up. I haven't heard from her in five years. So she's bringing you a four-year-old. Believe me, nobody's bringing anything. Remember Jill? Jill the slob? Yeah, but do you remember how hot she was? Yeah, well, sure. She was a tight unit, but she left dirty dishes everywhere. Swear to God, this broad left half-eaten casseroles in the bathtub. So? With a body like that, she can drink out of the toilet if she wanted to. Wait a minute. Isn't she the one who dumped you? Somebody dumped Charlie. Broke his little black heart. It was pathetic. Hey, she didn't dump me. She had personal problems and moved to Europe to, you know, find herself. He wept. I did not. I felt the appropriate amount of sadness for a good relationship that had run its course. I had to carry him to bed three nights in a row. I was perfectly happy sleeping under the deck. You bring her home, you clean up after her. Thank God you never get any.
Okay, how about this? If you let me have Jake this Easter, you can have him the 4th of July and Labor Day. No, no, that doesn't work for me at all. Uh, how about I give you all the Jewish holidays? When did we become Jewish, Alan? They're still holidays. La heim. Your brother's a schmuck. What are they arguing about now? It's actually kind of ironic. They're arguing about who gets you on what days. That is ironic. You know what ironic means? No, but I trust you. What's ironic is while they're arguing about who gets you, I get you. And you know what? It's not such a big deal. Ha ha. No offense, but let's face it, you're ten. I can't take it to Vegas. We can't double date. When's the last time you picked up a check? You mooch. I'm almost 11. Okay, I think we've got it. I get him Thanksgiving, you get him Halloween. You get him Christmas Eve, I get him Christmas Day. I get him Yom Kippur. And I get Hanukkah.
Hey, guys, I just found out Jake's birthday is, like, in a week. Shouldn't we make plans? You're right. He's a schmuck. What? We know when his birthday is, Charlie. We were there. But only one of us got a needle shoved in their spine. You begged for that? Anyway, you, me and Mom are taking Jake to a show at the Magic Castle. You invited Mom? You want to tell her she can't come to her only grandchild's birthday? Because believe me, I tried. Man. Look at the bright side. Maybe we can bribe one of the magicians to get her sawed in half. Or better still, thrown in a wood chipper. And, uh, Judith and her sister are going to join us as well. Which sister? The brunette or the blonde? The brunette. Why? Just curious. I never slept with a blonde. And you're not going to sleep with the brunette again, either. Relax. That was 12 years ago. Thank you. Let's just wait till we get a look at her now.
Hey, Judith. Oh, there's the rock star. Ready for a fun weekend? Leave me alone. Musicians. Alan, that child is driving me insane. Like father like son. Huh? Really that bad? He's been sullen and uncooperative for days. I think he needs to see someone. What do you mean, like a like a shrink? No, Alan. I mean like a blacksmith. This is clearly a reaction to our divorce. He's not processing his emotions in a healthy way. And I think therapy could help unblock him. Where did you get that? From my therapist. Who's working wonders with you. Excuse me. Who's working wonders with you? All he does is sit in his room and play that damn thing. He's isolating. Alan. Well, that doesn't mean he needs to see a therapist. He's just a normal 11-year-old kid who happens to be a little grumpy. And I'm a normal 35-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience. And by patience, I mean Prozac. Wait a minute. You can't still be 35 because. Hey, he's getting pretty good at that. Yeah, well, get used to it.
Charlie, what are you doing? Smoke on the water. Divorce lawyers have a good business, don't they? Yeah, in the same way, locusts have a good business. Ah, it smells good. So does the coffee. Charlie, stop sniffing the paralegals. Look, I am paying my attorney by the hour, so just speak when spoken to, and, uh, otherwise, you know, just. Shut up. Hey, if you'd listen to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her. You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school. One time. You listen to me. Let me tell you another thing. If I hadn't married Judith, there'd be no Jake. I didn't say you couldn't knock her up. Okay, let's get started. Wow. No. No wowing. No sniffing, no wowing. Laura Lang. Charlie Harper. Hey, didn't you used to date Superman? That's Lana Lang. She was Superboy's girlfriend, and guys have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth grade. Did it ever work? Let's just get down to business, okay? Okay. Didn't the Titanic bang into her? Okay, Mr. Harper, the reason I wanted to see you is because your brother is involved in a divorce action where the custody of his son might become an issue. Really? Why? Well, because Jake stays with his father part-time. His father lives with you. And in the words of his mother, you are. Hang on. I want to get this right. Oh, here it is. A sleaze ball. Yeah. So. So she might try to take Jake out of your home. Why? It's a beautiful home. You should really come see it some evening. It's in Malibu. Right on the beach. My point is, if Mrs. Harper decides to make an issue out of your lifestyle, we need to be prepared. What's wrong with my lifestyle? Oh, no. We are not going down that road at $300 an hour. Relax, Alan. I'm going to need to know every possible thing they can use against us. Every skeleton in your closet. Oh, boy. So what do you want to know about my sex life? Your sex life? Your drinking? Your gambling? Partying? On the beach. Mr. Harper, I'm sorry, but isn't that kind of an invasion of my privacy? It is. And I apologize for that. But I handle a lot of divorces, and believe me, they can get nasty. Look, I've got to be in court. So why don't you give this some thought? And when you gather the information we need. Give me a call. Okay, starting from now and working backward. I've slept with my brother's attorney. Yea yea yea yea yea yea. Alan. Alan, what are you doing? There are dust bunnies everywhere. Oh. So you're vacuuming dust bunnies? No. They're poop. It's all over the place. Are you sleepwalking? You're stepping in it. You're stepping in it. Don't step in it. Alan. Why don't we leave the dust bunny. Poop until morning? Click. Hey! Come on, come on, let's get you tucked in. You crazy son of a b*tch! Gort. Klaatu barada nikto. What? You know. Okay. That's it. In the bed. Nighty night. If you feel the need to get up and clean something again, maybe you can wax my car. Oh! Sake Rose! Isn't there enough poop on the carpet tonight? What are you doing here? I'm sorry. I saw your lights come on, and I was worried. Why were you looking at my house at 3:00 in the morning? Haven't you heard of the neighborhood watch? We don't have a neighborhood watch. Well. Not yet. If we did, I surely couldn't stroll in here like I just did. Yeah. So, what's going on? Nothing. Alan was sleepwalking. At least I hope that was sleepwalking. Oh, sure. My parents used to put a football helmet on me and strap me in bed. You were a sleepwalker. No. Goodnight, Rose. Goodnight, Charlie. Thank you. I had a wonderful time. If crazy ever becomes an Olympic event, I get the first two legs of the relay. Oh! What? Nothing. Man, I'm living in a loony bin.
Jake, time to go get your stuff together. Hey, after you dropped him off at his mom's. You want to see a movie? Sure. That sounds good. Cool. Enjoy. Why don't you just tell me you've got a girl coming over? I don't want to rub your nose in it. Thanks. She's gorgeous, by the way. Wonderful. Why are you putting Jake's stuff all over the house? Because I want this girl to see I'm not just another jerk trying to get her into bed. I'm a loving uncle. Who's trying to get her into bed. That's the loving part. Oh, this is the book I read to him at bedtime. You don't read it, Jake. That's why you're going to the movies. Okay. Ready to go? Hey, is your skateboard still on by the front door? Oh, sorry. I'll bring it in. No, no. No, no, leave it there. Should I do this thing where I kind of trip over it? Then I bet you a little bit. You know, I'm harried, but lovable. You got everything? Yep. What about your school books? All right. So, what time are you expecting? Little Red Riding Hood? Oh, and I'm the big bad wolf. Very clever. And not a bad game to play later. Little huffing and puffing and blowing. Um, that's the three little pigs. Same wolf though, right? I got my school books and your homework. Oh. You know, Charlie, if you took half the energy you put into manipulating casual sexual encounters and use it to actually build a relationship, you'd be a lot happier. Hard to imagine. Are you saying you never want to settle down? You mean get married? Let me tell you something, Bunky. If you've got someone to clean your house and do your shopping and you're getting some action on a regular basis, the only reason you need a wife is if you have some sick compulsion to give away half your stuff. What about kids? I already got one. And the best part is he leaves before we get sick of each other. Right, dear? Goodbye, dude. Okay. Let's go. Bye, Charlie. See you next week. Where are your shoes? All right. Hello. What? I can't understand you. Who is it? I don't know, some woman crying. Hold on. Charlie. What? Phone for you. Who is it? An hysterical woman. Are you insane? I don't take calls from hysterical women. Here he is. You are very insensitive. Hello. Oh, hey. How are you? She's crying. Duh. Okay, okay. Calm down. I can't understand you. Omelette. What is omelette? Oh. I'm late. What are you late for, hon? Get him out of here. Jake. Jake, go watch TV. What's the big deal? I don't cry when I'm late. Okay. Are you sure? Don't yell. How did this happen? Scratch that. Okay, okay. Just stay calm. I'm here for you. We'll deal with this together. You didn't happen to catch her name, did you?