Transcription
If you're going through hell right now, I'm not going to give [music] you my top five tips while I do pull-ups in the gym and then tell you to get into an ice bath. I'm here to tell you the truth that I learned the hard way when my life fell apart. If you stay with me, this might completely change how you see what you're going through right now.
The first thing you need to understand is that nothing in life is cast iron. Nothing. Life just does what life does. And part of that, honestly a big part, is suffering. And not because you did something wrong, not because you're guilty of anything in any way, because that's just how life works. And you don't get to avoid what's coming your way. Most of the really hard stuff, it blindsides you. Catches you off guard, right? Didn't see it coming. You couldn't have stopped it. And that's exactly where most people lose themselves, right there. Because you can't control what happens, but you can control your relationship to it. And that one shift, that changes everything. And I'll show you what I mean in a moment.
Everybody's got a story. I grew up without a father. My mother was unstable. She was pretty crazy. >> [music] >> I got bullied at school. And later in life, I lost everything. And not just once, like three times, completely wiped out house, [music] a wife, kids, business. And I had to start from zero each time. So when I talk about this, this is theory. It's not a book I read. But when I look back now, I can see it clearly. It's not [music] despite those things that I became the man that I am. It's because of them. And this is the part that most people don't want to hear because I wouldn't change a thing.
So how do you get through it when things feel dark, when you've been let down, when >> [music] >> you've lost something or somebody close to you, when it feels like there's no way out? >> [music] >> How do you get to the other side? So I'm going to talk to you like I would one of my sons. No fluff, no no coaching. I'll give it to you straight.
At some point, life is just going to try and break you. And you'll find yourself at a crossroads where neither option feels right. It looks like wherever you go, whatever you choose is going to be a loss. So you're going to feel scared, hopeless. And it's going to feel very unfair, but listen carefully. It's what you don't do in those moments that are just as important as what you do. And this is where almost everybody gets it wrong. Don't go into a victim story. That is the trap. And it's a very seductive one. We've all been trained to be victims. We've all been trained to create poor me stories. But listen, what I found is that when I didn't go into those poor me stories, however justified I might have been, those same moments were also opportunities that kind of broke my heart open. Uh in a good way, painful but in a good way. And that is the hidden power that nobody talks about because there was more clarity, access to more truth, and a sense, however small, of what to do next. And that's the next step. It's always there even if you can't see it yet.
All right, so what do you actually do when you're in it, right? When the walls are coming in and [music] you're actually in a dark night of the soul, when you're in a storm? First, it's going to hurt. I mean, that's just it's just the way it is. There is no mindset. There's no magic mantra, right? There's no quick fix. You've got to let all of this stuff go through it. Just breathe. Go for a walk. Uh >> [music] >> train, go for a run. Cry if you need to. Um >> [music] >> that's just healthy stuff. I would cry like a baby sometimes, just let it out. But don't attach [music] to a story. And this is where most people destroy themselves without realizing it because they build a narrative around the pain. Why it's unfair, who's to blame. And the moment you do that, you give your power away because you say that somebody or something outside yourself needs to come and give you the thing that you need to be happy, to be fulfilled, or satisfied. And that could take a very long time if it even happens at all. So yeah, when you're in it, let it move through you, but don't build a home inside it. Feel it fully, but don't become it. Stay active. Keep moving. There is this difficult period where you have to just keep going. It's tough. You've got to get up the next day and then do it all again.
Now personally, I never tried numbing it out. So no alcohol, I didn't take meds. I didn't want to escape it because numbing doesn't remove it. It just delays it. It just pauses everything. Even if you numb it now, you're going to have to face it later. So face it now because it could be that you put your life on pause for 5 years, 10 years. Do you know anybody who's like that? So we can move through it quickly even though it's tough. Because then at some point down the line, something happens. And this is the part that people don't expect because after that initial pain and intensity phase, and you haven't built all of these defenses stories, these ego shields, you find that you can come into a different space, which is more open. It's less guarded. And >> [music] >> here, everything starts to shift even if it's only slowly. And you're able to get a glimpse of your next steps. And every time I've been through loss, something new has appeared, always, always. This is what's given me faith. And they're not always [music] big things. It's not always obvious things, but they were there. Um like it was an opportunity. Uh maybe if it was just I could sleep on a couch for a couple of nights. Maybe it was a connection or an introduction. Or my my intuition pointing me in a certain [music] direction. Because if you're not in victim mode, you are open. You can listen and you can actually see these things. But when you're poor me, poor me, and you're all focused on what's unfair and what's missing, you are you're blind to it. You shut down.
These moments really set the course for the rest of your life. This where your future is decided. They can break you or they can transform you. Now, a lot of people, maybe most people, stay victims. Because when you're a victim, you're always right. My mother was always right. She had this She had this terrible mantra. She said, "Justin, watch out. People let you down. If they haven't let you down yet, they will." Um she She wasn't a great person to be around. I had to I had to get out of there. But then, this being right, being victimized, it kind of feels good and safe, but it keeps you stuck. And real growth, real transformation, only happen when you when you stand up in the midst of the storm, when you take responsibility for your response, your relationship to your situation. That's the moment that your life actually changes. And in that transformational space, um old shame or guilt, things like that, burn away in that fire. And then what's left, what you're going to find, >> [music] >> is somebody stronger. And something very important happens because you're going to become more open, more sensitive. You feel life [music] more. You can breathe deeper. You're able to appreciate things that you never saw before, right? You You get a pathway to to gratitude. Your compass changes towards something very very wholesome. That is the gift that's hidden inside this pain. And I hope that doesn't sound cliché [music] because that really is my experience. You know, going through this stuff again and again, and I've had a lot of it, has shown me this. And seeing the other side of it has given me a different relationship to life. It's given me a very foundational trust that universe really is on our side, right? So So from that place, you're going to be able to stop forcing uh stop holding on because because your your hands are open, right? If you're holding on, you know, you're holding onto your story, your hands are closed. You cannot receive. So coming into this space, everything really does start to move. Opportunities are going to show up. Your next steps, they are there. and then [music] you can move forward. And not as the person who was broken, but as someone who was rebuilt and way way stronger.