Transcription
In this video, we're going to be diving into 30 bizarre rules narcissistic parents force on you. You'll discover why those rules existed in the first place and how they still may be shaping your thoughts, feelings, and who you are even as an adult today. I'm Jerry Wise and for over 45 years I've helped hundreds of thousands of people get their narcissistic and dysfunctional families out of them so they can finally reclaim their true self and find clarity, peace, and lasting freedom.
Rule number one, others rage is normalized while your anger is forbidden. In narcissistic families, explosive rage from parents was tolerated, even expected. While your own anger was punished, mocked, or shut down, as an adult, you endure more anger than you should from others, while suppressing your own anger or frustration, fearing it will destroy relationships even when it's justified.
Rule number two, love and acceptance are conditional. In narcissistic families, love, praise, and acceptance were earned only when you performed, obeyed, or sacrificed. As an adult, you may feel unworthy of love unless you're constantly proving yourself.
Rule number three, love can turn to punishment instantly. In narcissistic families, affection could vanish in a moment, replaced by coldness, rage, or withdrawal. As an adult, relationships feel unstable and you fear intimacy because safety never feels permanent.
Rule number four, your feelings don't matter. In narcissistic families, your emotions were dismissed, mocked, or punished, teaching you that the that only the narcissist's feelings mattered. As an adult, you bottle emotions out of fear of rejection, struggling to trust your inner world.
Rule number five. Calmness means danger in narcissistic families. Quiet never means safety. It was just the calm before the storm. As an adult, peace feels threatening, leaving you hypervigilant.
Rule number six, vulnerability is dangerous in narcissistic families. Opening up was punished with shame, criticism, and rejection. As an adult, vulnerability feels unsafe, making intimacy very difficult.
Rule number seven, you must always keep the peace. In narcissistic families, you learn to silence your own needs to prevent conflict. Keeping others calm mattered more than your well-being. As an adult, you still feel responsible for soothing others tensions even when it cost you your truth.
Rule number eight, someone must be blamed. In narcissistic families, there was always a scapegoat, someone forced to carry the family's problems and shame. As an adult, you may scapegoat yourself, feeling guilty or responsible for things that aren't yours and things you have not done nor are responsible for.
Rule number nine, you are responsible for others happiness. In narcissistic families, you expected to fix moods, soothe anger, manage emotions that weren't yours. As an adult, you still carry others feelings while neglecting your own.
Rule number 10, boundaries and privacy are forbidden. In narcissistic families, you weren't allowed to say no, have privacy, or assert independence. Your space and limits were constantly invaded. As an adult, setting boundaries feels unsafe, as though protecting yourself means rejection.
Rule number 11, your needs come last, always. In narcissistic families, your needs were treated as burdens. Constantly pushed aside to serve theirs. As an adult, you feel guilty for prioritizing yourself.
Rule number 12, you must always be grateful. In narcissistic families, gratitude was demanded even when you were mistreated. As an adult, you tolerate toxic behavior. Feeling guilty for wanting more or something different.
Rule number 13. Success belongs to them, not you. In narcissistic families, your achievements were stolen, minimized, and turned into competition. As an adult, you downplay your accomplishments, never feeling free to fully own your own success or celebrate your own success in a healthy way.
Rule number 14, you must stay invisible. In narcissistic families, only compliance and caretaking were valued. Your authentic self wasn't welcome, and as an adult, you give endlessly, but feel unseen and overlooked.
Rule number 15, you must play the perfect child. In narcissistic families, perfectionism was demanded. You had to be flawless to avoid criticism. As an adult, you carry relentless pressure to perform. Fearing mistakes will cost you love.
If these resonate with you and you're ready to get your family out of you and finally step into peace, freedom, and your true self, you're not alone. Thousands of people from all over 110 countries have already transformed their lives and relationships with the road to self program and you can too. Click the link in the description to get started today. Let me continue with the rules and I have some tips at the end.
Rule number 16. No one is allowed to be okay. In narcissistic families, even the golden child wasn't loved for who they truly were, only as they were to be molded or how they should be seen. As an adult, you may feel that nothing about you is ever good enough.
Rule number 17, you must be the parent. In narcissistic families, you are forced into the caretaker role. raising siblings or managing your parents' emotions or responsibilities. As an adult, you overfunctioned in relationships, slipping into the rescuer role.
Rule number 18, you must take sides. In narcissistic families, you were forced to choose between parents, siblings, or relatives. Triangulation getting into relationship triangles was constant. As an adult, you often feel trapped between bad options, unable to choose freely.
Rule number 19, loyalty means silence. In narcissistic families, you are forbidden to betray the family by talking about dysfunction. As an adult, you minimize your pain and keep secrets, struggling to break free from that old shame and those old rules.
Rule number 20, appearances matter more than truth. In narcissistic families, the image was everything. Smiling for the photo mattered more than the pain behind closed doors. As an adult, you may hide your struggles. Feeling pressure to look fine on the outside.
Rule number 21. Never count on support. In narcissistic families, even the good parent was unreliable. always under the narcissist's control. So, as an adult, you struggle to trust that support will last. You will even struggle to trust that your support will last for yourself.
Rule number 22, always avoid, never resolve. In narcissistic families, problems were ignored, avoided instead of being solved or resolved. As an adult, you may avoid conflict. Feeling resolution will only bring about punishment or resolutions are just not even possible.
Rule number 23. Differentiation is punished. In narcissistic families, any independence or confidence was shamed or rejected. As an adult, being your true self feels selfish or dangerous.
Rule number 24. Your energy belongs to others. In narcissistic families, you were trained to be endlessly available, emotionally, mentally, and physically available. As an adult, even positive interactions leave you drained as you absorb others emotions and expectations.
Rule number 25, systems feelings trump the feelings. In narcissistic families, guilt, shame, and fear always outweighed your authentic emotions. As an adult, you confuse reactive guilt for true feelings. Doubting your inner compass. Certainly, we can all feel guilt at times if we do something inappropriate or bad. We also can feel shame if we hurt other people. However, we feel as adult children of narcissists or adult children of dysfunctional families, we feel all of our shame and guilt are valid. I would say the majority of it is a systems feeling and a program feeling. A small bit of that shame and guilt might be genuine. And there is such a thing as healthy shame and healthy guilt, but that's not what you and I often have experienced.
Rule number 26. There is no safety in narcissistic families. You are never safe from emotional and sometimes physical harm. As an adult, you live with a deep sense of unsafety, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Rule number 27. Leaving is betrayal. In narcissistic families, independence was framed as abandonment. You were guilted for wanting freedom. As an adult, you struggle with breaking away from unhealthy ties, fearing you will be disloyal or you're being selfish for choosing yourself.
Rule number 28, the family super self must be shared by everybody. In narcissistic families, being your own person wasn't allowed. Everyone had to merge into the narcissist family super self. The one big ego mass as some have called it. The clumping that we all parttook of. But the family has one big ego clump in terms of selfness. As an adult, you may feel like you don't know who you truly are, only who you were told to be and expected to be.
Rule number 29. No one else's reality matters but theirs. In narcissistic families, your perception was dismissed. You were told what you saw or felt wasn't real. As an adult, you doubt your intuition, second-guess your reality, and seek external validation. We also end up gaslighting ourselves, which can be recovered from and healed.
Rule number 30. Family lies must become the truth you believe. In narcissistic families, the narcissist version of events was all that mattered. You were pressured to deny your own perception and accept their lies as reality. As an adult, you struggle with self-doubt, often questioning your memory, your intuition, and even your truth because you were trained to believe others instead and others first. Because others know better than you. Where did we learn that others know better than me? Go back to our dysfunctional families who didn't help us learn to believe ourselves.
Self-differentiation tips I want to share with you which I promised. Growing up with these bizarre rules can make you feel like you're still trapped and you're still trapped in them even as an adult. But you don't have to keep living by those rules. Here are three differentiation tips that can help you to start breaking free.
First of all, you can even write these down. Identify your unhealthy family rules. What were the rules in your family that were unhealthy and were crazy or not logical, but certainly were were the rules that you have to live by? In writing those down, you begin to understand how the system worked. And you begin to see it more clearly when you see the rules of the organization and the rules of the family and the rules of relationships. I know families. You must always worry that you might shame the family. These are some of my family rules. Relaxing should always be seen as laziness. My negative feelings are caused by you or others. Always fear what God would think. Being too happy makes others feel shamed or sad. Children are always a financial burden. Parents should not be expected to regulate their feelings and reactions because they are the parents.
The next thing you can do is rewrite these rules the way you believe they should be to be a manual for going forward. For example, parents should be expected to regulate their feelings and reactions because they are the parents. You want to also ask yourself, how would I parent the inner me being the good parent I needed or need today? How would I want to be treated? The inner Jerry or the little Jerry, whatever Jerry you want to talk about that you're in that in your inner psychological experience. How do you want to treat that part of you? And are you willing or ready to begin to make that change?
Don't take your reactivity as inevitable or normal or unchangeable. Check your programming and family rules that may be underneath the reactivity. And I hear many people all the time say, "Well, I've always gotten angry about that." Well, don't accept that as your norm. It may have been something that's common that you do, but what's underneath that reactivity? Because my hunch is it ends up making you a scapegoat or making you a problem adult in some way without understanding how you get to that place.
If you're ready to finally break free and start living with clarity and peace and a grounded connection to your true self, then join the road to self program. Many who have joined say it was the missing piece in their healing journey. The step that finally helped them get their family out of them and stand strong as their own true self.
If you're not sure if the Road to Self program is for you, then start with my free 84minute self-differentiation training. I give that away. I've also given you away over 500 videos on YouTube that are yours to watch because I've wanted to give this away for over 30,000 people have joined the free training as their first step in their healing process. Check the links in the description to get started. Don't forget to subscribe and hit the bell icon so you never miss a new video. Thanks for watching. Have a great day and be wise.