Transcription
The anchors. The Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live, and he has recently quit the nasty habit of smoking. Norm Macdonald. Norm.
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Now, you're a young iconoclast, Norm. You know, the kids, they get you. I was gonna wear a suit. I like this old DB Cooper's look for you, man. This is now it. See, the guy jumped out of the plane. No, no, he's married Alice Cooper now. For my first talk, yeah, you come in the room and you and Drake say there had no lights on. It was like some [ __ ] Anton LaVey Satan cult in there. And you guys used to turn out the sickest jokes ever, and everybody was always smoking. Then I see you on Saturday Night Live during the opening credits. And one of the things I like about you is you're completely unfiltered on that show. You'll say anything. And I saw in the picture, you had a cigarette in your mouth. I let this guy just doesn't give a [ __ ]. So I asked you to come on. I find out you pushed out on me and quit smoking. What is that all about?
Yeah, because it's bad for you. They have these [ __ ] things on the side. You have to read the fine print where it says it's bad. When did you first start smoking? I said, "Mom, as a kid." Like when I was like 14. And I thought I looked really cool. Like if I start smoking, sign yoann anybody. So I started smoking. Wouldn't you know it, I did look cool. But ladies, girls, yeah. It was hard though, man, because I was, I was guilty about it all the time. I smoked that. You know, that's, I always knew it was bad for me. You know, like even though some, you know, some guys will say it's good because their uncle lived long or somebody smoked. You don't know. Hey, what about, you know, that old guy, you know, Burt Mustin? What about that guy? You know, and then he just comes to he lived long. That doesn't mean anything, right? That's just one guy. You can't just cause Burt Mustin lived long, you're all of a sudden you did your master's thesis on this. Then they're the people bother you a lot when you're smoking. Where people pissed off when? Yeah, people don't like when you smoke. You know, they, by they're like, I gotta admit though, secondhand smoke is bad. Like I don't like when I smoked, I didn't like secondhand smoke. Yeah. All right. That first-hand smoke is you get a sucker on a cigarette, you know. And the second-hand, any any [ __ ] thing that's already been ingested by someone who's not good. Nice tie. Like a pork sandwich is delicious, but after a digested porks and.
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You can't fight that logic. You cannot. Do you think advertising brings kids to smoking? You know, there's a lot of fight with the Joe Camel thing. Do you think they really? Yeah, they've got no. The AB definitely they got it because the thing is this, the advertisers, they got to go after kids because they're not gonna get adults. Like there's not gonna be a 50-year-old guy going, "Hey, I should start smoking. Goddamn camel." Yeah, that's a frightening looking beast because he looks like a [ __ ]. I know you don't mind first and [ __ ].
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Does a buddy of mine work on Saturday Night Live and he said he was a [ __ ] once as a joke. Then he said everybody consumption saying, "You a [ __ ] game? I'm gay, man." I mean, show about smoking. They thought you meant the British word for cigarette. All right. Exactly. A [ __ ]. That's what they say. Where else? All right. I think about Joe Camel looking like a [ __ ] dance. Oh, yeah. I lost my train of thought. Thanks for bringing me back. Is this is what I've noticed. He look, he doesn't even look like a [ __ ] camel. He looks so much like a [ __ ] because, you know how it's usually subliminal? Yeah. Where you have to find the [ __ ]. Right. This character, you have to find the goddamn camera.
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Yeah, believe me. When you only get two humps out of a car, it's not. We're smoking. All right. Line two. We've got a phone call for you. Although I can't believe they'd still be on the line after this departure. Line two. We've got Beverly from Middletown, Ohio. Beverly? Yeah. Hi, Dennis. Hi, Norm. All right. You know my name? I don't think. Yes, I did. I watch Saturday Night. Do you like it? Yeah, I liked it when Dennis was on. You know why? Because you don't give a [ __ ] about Dennis. You know what I read? It's like the best thing you can do. Whenever I'd go on, they go, "What's it like following Chevy?" And I like Chevy. It makes me laugh. Do I think about Chevy? I'm trying to make a living here, you know what I mean? When I see you, I know you're thinking the same thing. Like, "Screw Dennis, I'm killing." Okay. Anyway, go ahead. What's your question? Okay. Since the nicotine is such an addictive drug, do you think someday you'll have to have a prescription to buy a pack of cigarettes? Well, you know, they always bring up the Constitution and talk about how we should still have the right to a militia and all that. Let's face facts. This country was built on tobacco growers. So, you know, if you're gonna start changing, if you're not gonna change one thing because it comes from way back then, you can't change this. I know there are farmers out there who make a living. Tobacco is one of the crops that got this country going. So, no, I don't think they'll ever make it illegal. Yeah, no, they shouldn't make it illegal. Norm's backing me up on that. Well, I guess, you know, I guess I just, I read this thing about how it was like a phallic symbol. And that my doctor went in. I said, he said, "You probably have an oral fixation." Which, you know what that means? Let's not get ourselves. That's why I always smoke like cigarettes instead of cigars. Because if I'm gonna have a, I like a little white bandage.
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I got away. Ohio, Middletown, the center of the universe. To take a nice clean call. And then I spaced out. I'm thinking, I can't listen to more for a second. I gotta get a time queue here. I come back and you're talking about over the thin white [ __ ] in my [ __ ] in my mouth. No, no, you misunderstand. I'm saying is this. Make the mistake of thinking I [ __ ] listen to you. I just want to make it clear about that [ __ ] thing. I was just saying if I ever was gay, if they like suddenly made it mandatory or something, I would choose the smallest [ __ ] and I do like a guy that came.
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Jack was Cox. Cox is next week. I'm sorry. Does that answer your question? Yes, it does. Roy McFarland. Just thinking your cuz that tear that Viagra thing. Act. Yeah. And the other day, but your Bob Dole said came right out and said he was one of the first. Yeah. And you know, you don't want to hear, but I mean, President Clinton's [ __ ]. Bob Dole's [ __ ]. What the hell? But mostly an old man like that. An old man, you don't want him to have a super hard [ __ ]. Why? Cuz an old man, you want him to be. I got pipe gone, a newspaper, the dog at his feet. There. Well, that in some corners is considered pipe. But now they're gonna have to create some goddamn pill that makes women. Erasmus a [ __ ] seven-year-old dude with a super hard.
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You know, it's for infinite people. For infinite guys. So get this. The redness, the the pill can make your [ __ ] hard for four hours, right? So now, who has four-hour hard [ __ ]? The impotent guy. The rest of us are [ __ ] me and you got her regular Cox. Meanwhile, [ __ ] Spade is there, you know. Rephrase.
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Once there's too much [ __ ] talk, I try to just zone out for a minute. So it goes back the other way. There's too much [ __ ] [ __ ]. This guy has fevered nightmares all night dreams. I mean, like sweaty fever dreams. That's the whiteout he puts on you. Doing [ __ ] up for 18. He's a good guy. If you're gay, he's a completely straight guy. He gets a lot of ladies. You know that about him. With the ladies. Don't say ladies. Women. Girls. Ladies. What are we [ __ ] on an FM station here?
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About the gay community? Not their community. They're gay. And it's, you know, George Michael's. He hangs around the bathroom. He has sex with multiple guys. No way. You got to get it right. Hangs around a bathroom. And it was described as a lewd behavior. But I don't remember sex with numerous guys. What is that? What did you take away from it? What were you in the next stall? Just having a nice bathroom, regular? I don't know what lewd behavior is. But I don't know that he was in there with numerous guys. But we get the gist of this. This is definitely a gay thing. Like, because this is a pop superstar, you know what I mean? You're not gonna walk into a bathroom and all of a sudden Farrah Fawcett's like.
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What is why? Why would a famous dude cervical belts and exposures paying dividends? There. I think that's what it is. Is that the gay? That's why they have separate bathrooms. Let's face it. If they had women and, you know, women, as you call them, I call them ladies. If you had them in the same bathroom, I got like, you go in the bathroom to do your business. See a man about a dog. There. You know. And you're there in the bathroom. All of a sudden, a beautiful lady comes out. Oh, here's my vagina and breasts. You're gonna be hanging out at that bathroom a lot. Don't blame anybody for anything. Did you believe Ohlmeyer? Didn't get him.
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I've ever met Omar since then. Don Ohlmeyer. I met once. Yeah, after he fired me. Yeah. Then I went and visited him in his office, which was, it wasn't an office. I've never seen. It's like a wet bar and a bunch of weird sports. Drove. He's a big sports guy. Yeah. So he explained it to me what happened. But he did it all the sports stuff. You know, like you said, "Yeah, man, you see, you're the number three hitter, but now you're gonna be number eight." And then later on, Ken Griffey, he'll show up. I don't know what the hell he was walk it off. You know, I'll put it in sports terms. Why you got fired? You're [ __ ] with OJ too much. That's exactly why you were fired. That's his buddy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's why you.
Luckily, we have the good taste to bring tonight's guest back every season. He is uncensored, a whipped as they come. His new sitcom, The Norm Show, it's on ABC Wednesdays at 9:30. Please welcome George Wendt, ladies and gentlemen.
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Hey, there you go. How are you? I'm all right. You're in. You're out. My favorite guest. Not here. Good man. You have no, uh, no inner barometer of how far to go. Well, no, cuz it's HBO, right? Sure. I like to be dirty, you know. And that's it's not, you know, it's your, you're like a profane child. That's I'm thinking you cuz ya'll see. I like dirty. Then you go up on this pigeon s [ __ ] ramp for like three [ __ ]. You're ugly and joke camels are cocking your own stuff. When you clean, nervous about your a star for case. Uh, how's that sitcom world? Is that hell or do you like that? It's not a lot of fun, but, you know, it's good to. I do know it's not on all my. There's all mine. Sent you a congratulatory telegram or what? We're looking for them. Oh, my. I haven't heard any miss event. Who's the O'Meyers air network? As lady Jamie Tarsus. She think you're funny. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Meyer's not even there anymore, is it? And I want is the last official duties. Yeah. I'll walk you. Yeah, he took off. And they got this other guy. Yeah. I think it's maybe Sammy Sosa. Scott's asset. All right. Now, I want to do a Rorschach thing. What flashes into your mind when I say bad taste? What do you find that this? Well, there was this performance art guy. I remember in New York. That his whole big thing was he'd take a picture of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ of Nazareth. And then, oh, Jesus crap. And then his whole act is he, he'd piss on it with his [ __ ]. Wow. You know, at least he showed respect. Have pissed with his. What harm? All right. So I thought that was really an horrible. Excellent wine. Because Jesus Christ, you know, he died for the guy's sin. And then the guy pisses on his picture. And it was a picture of Jesus dying for his sins, like he was on that cross. Gone. Oh, dying for the guy's sins. Then this guy's like pissin. All right. But, you know, when Judgment Day comes, he's gonna have to face Jesus Christ of mighty of Azeroth. And Jesus is gonna say, "Hey, [ __ ], what's with the pinion on my picture?" That negates every other good thing he ever did. You know, yeah. It's like, you don't piss on my picture. That you don't want to come up to the gates of heaven. God's leaning there with a nunchuck strapped around his neck. You know, I'll have some performance there for you. All the [ __ ] devil chefs and call up your ass. As I said before, the childlike outro, but effective. How do you define bad taste? This is like beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder or what? Yeah, this kind of is, you know. It depends on what people. Some people like get upset over certain words. Like they think that that like girls all the time. Then when I'm talking to them, like if I go, "Hey, how about you and I like [ __ ] the girl?" And all this goes like, "I don't [ __ ]. I make love. I make love." And I go, "I don't, whatever you want to cause, long as my eyes like dirty [ __ ] and I'm gonna getting a semantic argument." You know, you've got making a grilled cheese sandwich. As long as lies there's a lot of me doing.
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Now, what's the earliest into hitting on a woman that you ever said, "I want to [ __ ]"? Do you give it a couple minutes? Right. I try to get into it pretty quick. No, I don't. Because I don't like. I don't ever ask them to, "Would you like to have dinner?" I don't really like having dinner with them or or having a drink with them or anything like that. No. You know, that's your sort of exchange with women is, uh, yeah, I say, "Hey, [ __ ]." Then they go, "No." And then they go, "How about we have dinner?" And I go, "I don't like dinner." You don't like bugs? Basic thing. You have basic extent. I'm not gonna girl. When do you, when do you remember first being cognizant of bad taste? Do you know? Because when you're a little kid, everything's kind of funny. You know, Harkness, explosive, monogram. When do you remember first being able to differentiate between bad taste and good taste? I know. And you're a kid, you'll say anything. Like, I don't remember much, but I have a little boy. You know, sweet little boy. You have a son? Yeah. You want to say, "Hey, told ya. Say you can't watch, Daddy." So little Dylan and I went to El Pollo Loco. His original label Zimmerman. Uh-huh. I thought that would be the coolest name. As I was a kid, I never heard anybody named Jill. And I said, "This will be a." Because I love Dylan Thomas. All right. So I said, "This would be a cool name for a kid." And I thought, "Be unique." And how every [ __ ] kid as Dylan. And they named him after that 90210 guy. That's what I read them. And I've got a book that a periodic. Say me one. A little Dylan and I were getting some chicken at the poyo loco, right? And kids are so wonderful, you know. You know, they're unfiltered. Exactly. So we stand beside this huge fat rod, you know. So does unfilter this. Daddy, so near little Dylan behind her. And he goes, "Daddy, look out." Fast years. And then, sorry, I have not said. You're not supposed to call fat people fat. Toes. It wasn't his fault. I said, "No." And he goes, "I think she's gonna eat a lot of chicken." Looking at. And then read that longer. The guy goes, "Hey, yes, man. What would you like?" And she's like, "I'll have two pieces." You know, she was gonna order like eight full whole chickens. You know, yeah. How do I know that? Maybe she wasn't gonna order a full. No, because right when she ordered the two chickens, she did like the shifty eye. You know, I don't do a good shifty eye. So you're behind her in line and get able to discern the subtle read like movements of her eyeball.
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For the purposes of that anecdote and not Aaron. It was. We got a phone call for you. Very good. Or not. It's that woman from El Pollo Loco. It's Murtagh from Miami, Florida. Murtagh? Hey, Dennis. Hey, Norm. How are you? Hurt. I'm good. You know, I can't wait to see your new show. It really looks good. All right. Well, when's it on again? Army remind. I mean, you're good. You're one of my friends. I'll let you plug capriciously. Okay. It's on. Have the. Well, you gotta get this. Yeah. Epis on a Wednesday at 9:30 on the American Broadcasting Corporation. All right. So what's your question there, Merck? Okay. Why is it people like this annoying Joan Rivers? You know, always criticized people's bad taste at the Academy Awards. You know, like Gwyneth Paltrow, who's like the hottest chick on Earth. And when she has no taste in fashion whatsoever. You know, Mantha Mica. All right. You know what I feel awkward here because I met Joan Rivers once and she was so nice to me and so funny. But I, I agree with him to some extent. When she gets like, lays in the Kathy Bates or saying, "I hope Kathy Bates never did anything wrong by her." And I just think there's that slight tinge of desperation in Joan sometimes nowadays. You know, that she'll say anything. And that kind of, yeah, I don't know. Sometimes that makes me uncomfortable. But, you know, she's a good day. She's a great girl. And other celebrities. Yeah. You know, everyone's paid. That that how he lived his life in fear. Daddy. Well, specifically, what's paid used to do that Hollywood moments? Paid. He's a great guy. Who are best friends? But easy. He was always scared shitless because he maybe he made his whole thing out there just trashing people. And they would get pissed and call him. And he was always like, living in fear. He never goes to Hollywood parties because he's afraid something's gonna kick his little Sputnik ass. Right? Because everybody insults is like two and a half feet taller than him. Now, Norm, have you ever, have you ever done anything in your long and storied career that you consider specifically to be in bad taste? As you look back on, maybe at the time you thought it was a good play, you look back on, you think that was inventive? Well, sometimes like in stand-up, I'll do jokes that are like, one time I was doing this thing in San Francisco and they were all gay people in the audience. They told me so I figured out. So I figured I'd do stuff about gay people so that they could relate to a swarm. I love that. Because I went to this gay pride parade and I saw in it, there were these old men and old ladies like with these signs that said, "We are proud of our gay son." You know. And so I was saying, "That's an odd thing to be proud of." You know, because it's not an achievement. You know, it's not like something you work all your life to be gay or anything. And I just wanted, I just a hard time believing that is 50, 60-year-old men are actually bragging. You know, it worked like, "Hey, Bill, you know, my kid? Oh, my god, we're proud of him. Johnny graduated from Harvard." You know, the first in his class. You know, I mean, now he's articling over at a law firm. And oh, yeah, he loves [ __ ].
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He's here getting up [ __ ] in his mouth. As a sister. I got, I got a picture of the boy here. Suck in another minute. Scofield. Watch the maturation of you as an artist. You realize it took you nine and a half minutes to get around to the second [ __ ]. Stop it. It's beautiful to see you comfortable in your own skin. Marmee. All right. The Norm Show, 9:30. What night? Wednesday. Get Wednesday. ABC. Good luck with it. More McDonald. Stick around. Now, Norm, you're an inventive guy. And what should the current batch of inventions has tickled your fancy? What do you like? Well, Henry Ford just invented the assembly line, right? And that was good because he wanted, you know, not just rich people, but anyone to drive over and cease [ __ ]. Yeah. You know, yeah. He invented the telephone, right? So he'd call people up, tell them to come on over. It says [ __ ]. You know.
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Norm, I hear you just got back from New York City. What's happening in Gotham? Oh, my god. Well, the big thing is they new Empire State Building. Have you seen this? I've heard. I have not seen. You know, it's crazy. What I'm interested in is the original architect's blueprint. You know, yes. It called for the building to be painted flesh-tone. Venice with a large rounded head. So the architect could lie on the street and pretend he had a thousand-foot [ __ ]. Lloyd. We're like Frank Lloyd [ __ ]. Someone tell me what you're taking. This whole Cold War thing. Well, my brother works down in the UN right now. Remember last week when Khrushchev was banging his shoe, shoe, insane, crazy fast? Yeah. So my brother was sitting beside him. And Khrushchev like he accidentally slipped. And my brother gets hit right in the [ __ ] with the shoe. My crew chief. He says, "Hey, you hit me in the [ __ ] again, you dirty commie." Oh, barrier. What's been happening, man? Oh, man. I dropped acid the other week. That is bizarre stuff, right? Yeah. My [ __ ] started singing to me. I like Joe Cocker. Stick for something other than just being Mexico's [ __ ] I say president in 296. Doesn't snap us out of this downward spiral wherein we dump his gay ass next election process? We cloned Jesse Ventura and bring him back. Hey, Norm, vast fields of bioengineered, hydroponically grown [ __ ] just in case our Earthbend supply of [ __ ] might run out one day. Look at my head, man. Looks like a cop.