Transcription
[Music] brought to you by the every dooll app. Start budgeting for free today.
Alex is in Norfolk, Virginia. Hi Alex, how are you?
Hi Dave, I'm doing good. How about you?
Better than I deserve. What's up?
Uh, so last night my wife turned to me before bed and told me that she didn't feel satisfied at work anymore and that it, it was causing her too much stress and it just wasn't what she expected when she joined the, the job. She works as a, a social worker, um, while she's waiting to save up to go into her master's so she can become a clinical psychologist. Um, she moved here about three years ago when, uh, we came here to Virginia and she, she's had plenty of jobs since then, but they've never lasted longer than about six months before she would either find a better job or, uh, maybe they had a disagreement at work or, um, she couldn't take the job anymore. And we're, we're in the middle of paying off the student loans from, uh, from her psychology degree and we just found out that, um, my wife is pregnant like a month ago.
Congratulations. Kind of hitting me all.
Thank you. It's all kind of hitting me all at once. I'm very excited about the baby, but I was very, I was very collected when she told me about it. She was surprised and I told her it's because we're financially stable. We're on a plan. I don't have to worry about knowing if we're going to be able to afford the baby or not because I know that we can. But if she's moving, if, if she's planning on moving to a different job, that it shakes my, my, um, my structure, I guess. Like, it, it shakes my rock. I don't have, I don't, I know that we can get by on my income, but with a baby, I may, I'm in the Navy. I make, uh, I, I make $4,200 a month.
Okay. $50,000 a year. What does she make?
She makes $2,300 a month.
Okay. $30,000 a year.
Okay. Yep. And we put $3,000 towards her debt every month.
How much student loan debt is, uh, $57,000? That's what it was last month.
$57,000? Yes.
Oh, yeah. Is that y'all's only debt, Alex?
Yes. We thought it was a lot less than that until she graduated and we looked at the numbers and it was twice that. Twice of what you thought.
Okay. Yeah, exactly. Uh, what do you think? Not to like psychoanalyze her, but what, what's the, with the job changes that are pretty consistent with her, what, what do you think the, what do you think the thing is about that?
So, her the reoccurring thing is she doesn't find meaning in her work. When she works somewhere that she finds meaning at, then she, she never complains about it. And she hasn't complained about this job for, she's been there six months now. She hasn't complained about it until the last, um, two months. She, she would, she started mentioning that she was tired of training. She's been training on the computer ever since she got to the job and every time they give her opportunity to come forth and like do something that's actually deals with social work, um, she like trips or fumbles or doesn't get something right. And, uh, then somebody gets upset with her. She's got some rude co-workers and then she, I think she just can't handle it. And she brought up that, um, a lady called her that was supposed to have called her a month ago so that they could fix something, but then they now couldn't fix it because she didn't call when she was supposed to. And she got cussed out over the phone. And she wanted the job so she could help people and she doesn't feel like she's helping people. She feels like people are getting angry at her for trying to help.
Okay. How old is she?
Uh, 23.
Okay. Um, what, what, what can we do to help?
Um, I just, I, I want to know, I, I want her to be happy in her work. I don't, I, I love listening to the Ken Coleman show and I believe in like working at something that you feel passionate about and I want her to feel passionate about what she does. But I, I'm scared because so much is going on right now and she wants to make this choice. I want to back her in whatever she wants, but I want to make sure that we're doing the right thing.
Yeah. Okay. Um, there's two reasons that we work. One is to self-actualize and have purpose and meaning in our work and do work that matters. And that certainly needs to be the long-term goal. All right. The second reason we work is we're grown-ups and we have to feed our family. And you suck it up and put a callous on your hand and you do the work. That's the two reasons you work. Now, here's the point. What Ken Coleman is telling people and what we tell people here and have for 30 years is, uh, you don't suck it up for 38 years. You suck it up for 38 months. But she has never once sucked it up. She has never once stiffened her backbone and walked through a tough time. Every time the wind blows, she goes out the door. That's who you've described to us for the past few minutes. And so she has a baby on the way and $57,000 in debt. This is when you suck it up. If somebody's mean to you, oh well. Work, welcome to the world. Deal with it. Suck it up. She has a, she has a, um, she has some problems with anxiety and she wants to be a psychologist. Yes, sir. Okay. We're going to have to do something. She's going to have to, at 23 years old, she's going to have to develop some toughness to be able to be a mommy and to be a grownup. And, uh, I'm not saying anxiety is not real and I'm not saying just pretend like you're not anxious. That's not the point. If she needs to see a counselor, fine. Let's see a counselor. But, but this idea that every time it gets rough at work, we quit, you're never going to keep a job in your whole life. I own this place and some days I hate it and I can do anything I want to do, but I do it anyway. And Alex, I think the, and I think the hard thing, what you're going to have to discover is you can't control her as much as you want it for her. She has to want it herself and her own journey of understanding herself and why she is the way she is, why we all are, right? We all have to get to that point where we're like, okay, what, what has caused me to have these patterns in my life? The wakeup call has to come from her. It can't come, come from you wanting her to have it. And that's going to be a tough position that you're in. Alex, you're calling the show for her, right?
Let me ask you something. Has she got brothers and sisters?
No, she's an only child.
I thought so. Okay. And so she's her daddy's little princess, isn't she?
Oh, no. She had, uh, dad problems.
Oh, okay. So he, he left, he left the picture halfway through. Okay. All right. Um, because this, uh, it, it sounds like that, um, it's a lot of hurt. She has a lot. She's functioning out of a lot, a lot of, and a lot of when she feels rejection, she bounces. Alex, probably from what you just told us in the last 30 seconds from her story, I mean, there's a lot of her stories she has to become aware of for her to heal and become a whole person. Yeah. And not to bounce. So, I, so part of me is like, I understand why she's doing it, but it doesn't make it okay. And so it puts you in a tough position. And so you're going to have to sit down and have a, and you guys have to lay out these numbers and just say, hey, for the next nine months, because when you have a baby, depending on what you want to do, like we have to be in this, we have to, we have to figure out a way to pay down this debt so that we're not drowning financially. And you need to be, and I want, and I want you as your husband, I'm seeing this long-term. I want you to be, I want her to be long-term. I want her to be in something she loves and where she's helping people and where she's not having to deal with toxic work co-workers. I don't, I don't blame her for that. Long-term, I want her to be there. But short-term, we got to be a grownup. Got a baby to, baby to feed. Got debt to pay off. And, um, and we probably do need to get to the bottom of, from a psychological standpoint, why we're studying psychology and get into this.