Transcription
[ Cheers and applause ] -Ten-hut! Welcome, generals. You all have dedicated your lives to defending this nation. And as a reward, you will now be yelled at by a former Fox News host. Please welcome the Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth.
[ Rock music plays ] [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Yeah! Cut the track!
[ Music stops ] [ Laughter ] Now listen up, everyone. Okay? I summon all of you here today to address a serious problem. Okay? Our military is gay as hell. [ Laughter ] And I'm not just talking about the Navy. [ Laughter ] Thanks to failed liberal policies, our army has never been gayer. And yet, it's also never been fatter. Make that make sense. Am I right? [ Chuckles ] Y'all are fun. [ Chuckles ]
From now on, our fighting men -- and, I guess, women -- are going to adhere to the highest male standard, which has been set by our president, Donald J. Trump -- 6'6", buck 75... A-cups, perky... with a dump truck in the back you wouldn't even believe. And hey, if you're out there, you don't want to lose the weight. You don't want to follow the rules. Hey, no problem. You know who's going to want your sick, twisted, fat ass? ICE. Got a sign-up sheet for ICE in the hallway. Check them out. 'Cause in here, from now on, we're doing Army and Army only, and we will be doing it in one of the bloodiest, war-torn places on the face of the Earth -- Portland, Oregon.
Now back to the fat thing. [ Laughter ] Our military will now have the same rules as any good frat party -- no fat chicks. And if you're a fat dude, God damn it, you better be funny as hell. [ Laughter ] In summary, this is the whole meeting -- no fuggos, no fatties, no facial hair, no body hair -- just hot, shredded, hairless men who are definitely not gay. [ Laughter ] 'Cause this is serious. We are facing the greatest threat to freedom and democracy the world has ever known. And we all know what that threat is.
-Late-night TV. [ Laughter and applause ] Wow. Hello. It's great to be here. Yes, it's me -- your favorite president. I'm like the late, great Beetlejuice. You say my name zero times and I appear. I'm just here, keeping my eye on "SNL," making sure they don't do anything too mean about me. And they better be careful, because I know late-night TV like the back of my hand. Not looking great right now. Oh! Don't look at that! Gonna cover this up for the rest of my life. "SNL" 51 off to a rough start -- 17 new cast members, and they got the "Update" guy doing the open. [ Laughter ] Look at Colin. Poor Colin. We all know they were never going to let him do the whole opening by himself. Can't even do "Update" by himself -- he needs Michael Che. "I need Mike Che." Frankly, I'm surprised Colin's here. I thought he'd be with his friends at the Riyadh Comedy Festival. [ Laughter ]
-I-I didn't get an offer. [ Laughter ] -Well, that's sad. We love the Saudis because they like to "saw these" journalists in half. That's the kind of thing that would kill over there. All right, Colin. Those Spirit Airlines jokes aren't gonna write themselves. Bye! Oh, and, Colin, may every day be another wonderful secret. That was, uh -- That was a quote from a poem I wrote to a horrible man I've never met before. But here we are, "SNL" Season 51. Should have called it at 50, right? It's so sad to see something get old and confused and yet still demand your constant attention. Oh, well. But they better be on their best behavior -- otherwise, they'll have to answer to my attack dog at the FCC, Brendan Carr.
-♪ I always feel like somebody's watching me ♪ -Thanks -- Wow. -♪ And I have no privacy ♪ -♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ -♪ I always feel like... ♪ -Alright. -♪ Somebody's watching me ♪ -Thanks, Brandon. [ Chuckles ] [ Laughter ] -It's actually Brendan, sir. -Oh. It's crazy you think I care. Bye. -Bye. -Ah. You gotta stop.
Well, I had a great summer -- took a little vacation time for golf and travel and stroke. Kidding -- or not. Either way, you'll never know. What else? What else? [ Snapping fingers ] Uh, I ended all the wars -- every single one of them. Except the two main ones that are still happening and more vicious than ever. And even though the government is shut down, we're starting new war in Venezuela soon, and people will all say -- you know, they all say to me, "Sir, how will you pay for all this?" And I tell them, "With my scams, my beautiful scams." Our new one is TrumpRx, my very own pharmacy. It's like Hims. We've got everything -- hair pills, boner pills... End of list.
Okay, I guess I'll let them start the show. I see the crew's all ready to go. By the way, thank you, "SNL" crew, for your hard work and your votes. You fellas are gonna keep an eye on Marcello for me, right? [ Laughter ] Okay, good. Fantastic. Well, here we go. And remember -- Daddy's watching. And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!