Transcription
So, how long can covert narcissism stay covert? I suppose it could stay covert forever, but that's as likely as finding a 10-karat diamond just lying on the beach or winning the Powerball.
But the answer of how long covert narcissism can stay covert is actually a lot broader than you think. Despite all of the confusion in the use of terms like covert and vulnerable, and recognizing that there is some overlap between the two. Uh, for example, vulnerable narcissism is often comprised of more quiet traits that are uncomfortable, manipulative, and sullen, but not as observable, not as shiny as charm and charisma. It does seem, though, that most survivors are in agreement that covert narcissism is the hidden narcissism. The stuff that other people don't spot as antagonistic, manipulative, angry, charming, charismatic, or attention-seeking.
In fact, when most people look back on meeting a covert narcissistic person, they definitely don't recall lots of bells and whistles. Again, none of that charm, charisma, confidence. Sometimes they look back and they may remember someone who was earnest, helpful, funny, smart, or even shy and socially anxious, but definitely not charming and charismatic.
For so long, and frankly until only until only relatively recently, our armchair conceptualization of narcissism or narcissist was of someone who was sort of a salesy, braggy, snobby, arrogant, selfish jerk. Movies, television shows have always had these sorts of caricatures of the a-hole narcissistic person who has the sports car and the trust fund, or the snobby country club lady, that kind of thing. That's what we thought it was, narcissism.
Now, researchers and scholars and personality theorists and clinicians have dug into this more and learned that while there was a consistent core to narcissism, it wasn't just the jerk in a Corvette or on a yacht who screams, or somebody who screams at flight attendants or asks to see the manager. The problem with this caricature of narcissism is that it has it stuck. It has stuck for a long time. And so people who were in relationships with with narcissistic people who are more covert experienced a slower burn in these relationships.
People in relationships with covert narcissists said, you know, I would have been able to see the snobby, posturing, call-the-manager, arrogant person a mile away. But that's not what I met. Maybe I saw a few small red flags or pink flags early on. Some grumpiness, sometimes some little put-downs, being a know-it-all at times, not wanting to go out with other people, but nothing that screamed narcissist.
The covert narcissistic person's low empathy, grandiosity and entitlement, attention-seeking, selfishness, and poor emotional regulation. All the core narcissistic stuff come out in very different ways than we'd seen grandiose narcissism or overt narcissism. But the big question is, how long can covert narcissism stay covert? Again, I am going to say it's a tricky question. It's not like we can say guaranteed that within 12 months you will see the narcissism or your money back.
All this narcissistic stuff, the criticism, the invalidation, the emotional and behavioral dysregulation, the manipulation, etc., etc., is a combination of stuff. Some of it is unconscious defenses. Some of it is a step up from that, an attempt to stay in control in order to feel powerful and then keep that icky insecurity and shame at bay. Some of it is trauma response and an attempt to stay face, attempt to stay safe by fight in the face of a threat. Some of it is the incapacity to self-reflect on how their behavior affects other people, or even care that it affects other people. Some of it is in response to the shame which gets pulled forth when they feel a sense of rejection, abandonment, criticism, comparison, competition, or failure.
What that means is that the hidden stuff that doesn't clock as narcissism initially starts popping out when frustration, shame, not feeling in control or a sense of power, a sense of threat, rejection, comparison, failure. When those things happen, maybe they don't get the promotion. Maybe their boss is a jerk. Maybe they lose the job. Maybe you compare them in a conversation you're having with them to your ex. Maybe their best friend buys a really big house on the beach. Maybe you make a silly joke and they think you are making fun of them. Maybe your brother picks up at the picks up the check at dinner and they personalize that as a dig that they don't have enough money.
One day something like that happens and the response you will see from the covert narcissistic person will may seem intense or disproportionate and overwhelming. And perhaps because up until then your relationship with them wasn't characterized by betrayal or control or other dynamics you may see earlier in more overt grandiose or malignant relationships from the jump, that you wouldn't clock this as narcissism. But sadly, once that mask comes off, it stays off. What may happen is that you can't unsee it. And perhaps they kept it together for a long time in the early months of a relationship when things were going fine, or they were still building in something new. But it's as though once it happens, you can't put the angry genie back into the bottle.
How long does this take to happen for this proverbial unmasking to happen? Well, it could be as quick as a few weeks, and it could be as long as a few years. I know as a therapist, when we encounter very covert narcissistic clients, it can take a while for the pattern to emerge, even under the sort of the searing lens of therapy. Right? Again, the covert and vulnerable styles are often quite overlapping. Even in therapy with these sort of covert vulnerable clients, what comes into our office may be more sadness, anxiety, frustration, lots of grievances, being angry at other people, a sense of constant injustice that they face, more injustice than anyone in the world, a victim, a victimhood that the world is unfair only to them. And the day the therapist pushes for accountability, or maybe pushes for taking other points of view, or more emotionally vulnerable work, that them just complaining every session about how life isn't fair may not be helping. Then the therapist starts to see it too. Because at that point, this client may become very contemptuous of the therapist, very angry at them. They may poke fun at the therapist's credentials. They may tell them, "I knew it. I knew therapy was BS, just snake oil, you're a hack, that the therapist is not very good," or and what's most likely is that they just stop coming to therapy.
Sometimes that uncovering can take as long as three to six months. It usually happens within, I would say usually by four months, we start getting it because the relationship didn't start with a flashy, shady, or even controlling narcissistic person. Folks in the covert narcissistic relationships may feel that they had a good run for a while. So when the snappy, manipulative, aggrieved, disenfranchised, or passive-aggressive behavior shows up, the person may blame themselves. It's my fault. Like everything was fine. I said something. I criticized them.
Another question people have is, can it stay covert for years? Well, that's more rare. Maybe if this is someone you don't see that much, or maybe if they had a really good run of luck at the beginning of your relationship with them, and you also made never made a or rarely made a single wrong move or said a wrong thing. For that to happen, a lot of stars need to line up. On average, the covert paint starts peeling in about one to two years in almost all cases. Sometimes sooner, rarely longer. But that's a real problem. In one to two years, you may be quite invested in a relationship. And if you don't understand these covert patterns and how different they are from the in-your-face more malignant and grandiose patterns, then the self-blame, trauma-bonded cycle can start in earnest.
And because in most people who have these more covert narcissistic patterns, we see the more vulnerable narcissistic patterns as well. Your partner may vacillate between normal, regular days, passive-aggressive, victimized, sullen days, and days where you just feel sorry for them because it seems like nothing is working out for them. You may even be able to see it through the lenses of shame, trauma responses, insecurity, self-protection, and defenses. But by now, you are really exhausted from going between pity, anger, frustration, exhaustion, guilt, fear, and hope. That's a lot of pinballing around.
The other problem is that the other people around you are not likely to be seeing what you are. The heavily angry, manipulative, pity and guilt, and even shame-inducing stuff. It tends to happen behind closed doors. I mean, it's still narcissism, after all. And even a vulnerable narcissist has some level of social perceptiveness. But the social perceptiveness is much lower in more vulnerable presentations. So people may notice that this person is surly, difficult to get along with, cold, and abrupt.
The covert stuff is like a paint job that if you handle the stuff too much or too roughly, it gets dinged and you can't unding it. The same thing with narcissism. But you can't unsee it. And the empathy, and frankly the love you have for this person, the commitment you may have to the relationship, and the confusion that comes from this much time with it seeming like it's been a fine relationship, not that show-offy, grandiose, narcissistic peacock stuff. All of that can make these covert patterns devastating and confusing as hell. And yeah, you might spy them in one to two years, but by then you're in pretty deep. Thanks again.