Transcription
The percentage of women in the United States who are currently single, divorced, or widowed is very close to 50%. About 35 to 40% of those are women who are divorced and they're over age 50. So this group is particularly in a lot of trouble because they left a marriage that provided them with a standard of living that they became accustomed to. And in most cases, they are unable to achieve that same standard of living. And if you're 50 or over, well, you don't have a lot of years to put together a plan for a comfortable retirement. Meanwhile, Social Security is about to be taken over by the billionaires, so you got to wonder what your future holds. I would be very worried if I were you.
For you women who are still thinking about whether you want to get divorced and you're in that age group, I would suggest you give this some serious thought. Because the standard of living for women who get divorced drops much, much greater than the standard of living for men. Now, there are cases where men really get taken to the cleaners, but in most cases, there's not a lot of money there to begin with. And when you start dividing it up, it becomes a lot less really fast. And the one thing about men is, because of our upbringing and because of our culture and Society, we have a long history of being very resourceful and coming up with ways to make money. Women, when faced with a catastrophe or or looming catastrophe, tend to experience a lot of fear, and that fear does not serve them well. And the end result is often times much, much worse than anyone could have anticipated.
So today, I want to help you girls out. Today, I want to give you 10 reasons how women destroy their men and their marriages. Because I think if you could just make a few little tweaks here and there, you may find that your marriage is a lot healthier than what it might otherwise have been, and you're going to be a lot happier here in the long run. Let's talk about it.
What the vast majority of women don't understand is that when a man gives his commitment to a woman, it is with the intention of staying with her forever. Now, granted, I'm being general here; that's not every man, certainly. I'm sure there are guys out there who have different motives. But generally speaking, most well-intentioned men plan to get married one time in their life, and they will generally stand with a woman through just about everything. That's why the vast majority of divorces—talking about 65 to 70% of the divorces between men and women—are initiated by women. So as a woman, you need to give some thought to why that might be, because obviously there is something about the nature of women that makes them more likely to be unhappy in a monogamous relationship with a man, or with anyone for that matter. In fact, I believe it's lesbians; their divorce rates are even higher than that—they're like 80-90%. So yeah, when women get involved in serious relationships, there's something about the nature of being a woman that is um, not consistent or congruent with monogamous relationships, especially long-term monogamous relationships. And women need to take a strong look at that. So let's take a look at the first one here.
Number one on the reason for divorce is communications. People complain that the communications in the relationship break down. Now, I can only tell you from a man's perspective what that sounds like or what that feels like, but you can get the idea. I, I think that most women don't look at it from the the position of a man. Um, women expect men to just, just anticipate their needs and to read their minds. That they believe that a man should know what he should be doing to please a woman at any given time. And um, you know, I think about, you know, household chores, taking care of kids, making meals, emptying dishwashers—all the stupid day-to-day crap that occurs, you know, in life. Well, women keep a scorecard: I'm doing this, he's doing that, I'm doing more, he's not doing enough. And as a result, I'm obviously carrying this whole relationship, and he is a lazy piece of crap. Well, that's not true; that's just your emotional, you know, psychosis going off, neurosis going off. And um, you know, relationships are hard, and it requires that both people have be open to um, communicating in a direct, loving way. And women will do that once, and then if you don't get it after for the first time, well, then you're, you're just out of luck.
So, in case you haven't noticed, I have these three big dogs that follow me around. One of them is a puppy; the other two are, are older dogs. I'll show you them here. That one is Shelby, and the one up on the hill there is Jack, and this big guy down here is Debu. And they are—at least the older ones are—pretty well trained. Now, they did not become well trained by me saying to them one time, "Come," or "Stay," or "Sit," or whatever. They have had to hear it hundreds, maybe thousands of times, in order for it to become second nature for them. I am training Deu now, and it's taking a long time to train him. I've had him for about two months, and he's far better than he was in the beginning, but he is still quite a handful. Um, men will need to be trained in the same way. You can't just say something once and expect them to get it for that point forward for the rest of their lives. You're going to have to, in a loving way, communicate with them what your needs are; otherwise, they are going to forget it. They have their own lives, their own thoughts, their own things that they're doing. It's not that they're ignoring you; they just, you, they're just living their lives. So don't take it personally if they're not responding to the things that you think you need in the moment that you think you need them. You've got to open your mind up to the possibility that they um, have a different perspective, and that their approach to life is different from yours, and you need to open communication. Women claim to be the great communicators, but when it comes to communicating with men, you guys generally suck. So you need to improve that first.
If you can get this one thing right, above all others, you will improve your relationships, not only with your primary partner—your husband, your boyfriend, whatever—but with all men. If you can just understand this one thing, and this is like the lynchpin of all characteristics that you bring to the table, and if you, through your behaviors and your words and your actions, can be respectful of a man, you will always have his respect in return. However, if you disrespect him, if you nag him, if you tell him he's not good enough, if you suggest that he's not masculine, if you suggest that he is a failure in any way at all, that name-calling will result in the loss of that relationship. Now, it may not end in that moment, but it has ended when you disrespect your husband; you have basically divorced him. Um, it may take some time for that divorce to come around, but it is on its way. Nothing from that point forward is going to get better; it will require an enormous amount of apologies from you to straighten that out. Um, respect is the critical element that men need um, to continue in a relationship with anyone, whether it's their friends, their girlfriends, their wives, their parents, whatever. Once disrespect becomes the defining element of that relationship, it's over. So respecting your man will give you the ability to control that relationship much, much better, and I strongly recommend that you maintain some level of respect. Avoid nagging; you know, find a different way to communicate. You women are supposed to be the great communicators, so do not nag. Um, do not name-call; that's not going to end well; that's going to be terrible; it's going to ruin the relationship. Um, you married this person because you love them; you need to put yourself back in that time and place where you fell in love and find those characteristics that you love about him and remind him of those things. Men need that level of reassurance; we need to hear why you're here, why you love us, what we're doing right. When you tell us what we're doing right, we will continue doing good things. Same thing with the dogs: when I tell the dogs they're good and I give them rewards and I pet them on the head, they reinforce that behavior, and they're more likely to do it in the future. If I scold them and I tell them they were bad dogs or they weren't, you know, behaving correctly, they um, they take note of it, and they will not do that again. Um, but I do not ever um, break the trust in that relationship between me and the dog, and you need to do the same thing with your man. You cannot break the trust in that relationship, and you break that trust when you disrespect him.
If, as a woman, you go to your man with a problem, nine times out of 10 he is going to offer you a solution. Now, most women do not want solutions to their problems; they just want someone to listen to how sad they are about the problems that they have. They want someone to just um, be a sounding board, if you will. I'm not to make fun of you here, but I think it's silly, but I understand it. I've been married, I have kids, kids, I've been with lots of women over my lifetime; I understand the dynamic of sitting and listening and keeping your mouth shut. Um, if this is that kind of problem, it might behoove you to tell your husband, "This is that kind of problem," like, "Like, I don't need a solution from you right now; all I need for you to do is sit and listen." And then he will sit there, and he will be quiet, and he will listen to your problem. Um, however, if you just come at him with a problem, his natural reaction is going to be, "I will fix that for you." Yeah, you can't do that. Um, that's just the way men are; we will try to find you solutions, and obviously that's not what you're looking for more often than not. You already know the solution; you just don't like it, and so you just want someone else to commiserate with you about whatever the problem is. So keep that in mind when you're talking to your husband. And this kind of goes under communication, too, about whatever it is you need him to do. If you need him to solve a problem, tell him, "I need you to solve a problem," and he'll help you with that.
There is this prevailing myth that men are less in touch with their emotions than women are, because women are constantly emoting one thing or another—good, bad, or otherwise—they're constantly in a state of emoting. Um, men are not as uh, emotional in their day-to-day life because they have learned to control emotions through a process called compartmentalization, where we can stay focused on the task at hand, despite the fact that there might be some chaos in the, in the environment. Women tend to focus on the chaos, while men tend to focus on the task. Just because a man is not expressing emotions at a point where you feel he should be—say, like in the middle of a um, a marital dispute or um, a crisis that might involve a child or any number of things—it doesn't mean that he's not feeling the emotion or that he won't have to deal with these emotions at some point. It simply means that he's staying focused on the task at hand, and expressing the emotion he knows is a um, a path to disaster. And I think most men—I think this probably goes back for, you know, tens of thousands of years—that in moments of crisis, emotions do not serve very well most of the time. If you get emotional, you're not going to be able to think clearly; you're not going to be able to react. Most emotional responses, or a lot of them, especially in chaotic situations or in crisis, come from the um, amygdala, where you experience that fight or flight; you know, your sympathetic nervous system starts going off, and as soon as that sympathetic nervous system starts firing, all the blood rushes away from your brain and to your limbs, to your hands and your feet, so you can run or fight. That is the worst place to have the blood flowing, because you need to be able to think. The difference between humans and other animals is our intelligence; we don't have claws or teeth; we're not super strong compared to most animals. So if we're being attacked, we definitely need to use our minds to, to get clear of it or to figure out a a way to solve the problem. So when your man doesn't respond emotionally to your emotional cries, whatever they might be, don't take it personally. It's not that he's not feeling it; it's not that he doesn't love you; doesn't it's not that he doesn't care; it's just that he's trying to stay focused on the task at hand. You need to understand that about men is critical.
Men are physical, and they're visual. Intimacy—sex—is the underpinning of our basis for trust in a relationship. So if you withdraw intimacy as a form of punishment, as a game, or as anything else, you are essentially ending your marriage. When you stop having sex with your husband on a regular basis, and you, you don't make room for him in your life, you don't make time for that in your life, and you act like it's a chore or you just lay there like a cold dead fish, like you're doing your duty, um, yeah, your husband is falling out of love with you every second that that's happening. Don't pretend it's not, because he is losing interest in you. If you want to remain married, if you want to have a happy, um, long-lasting, loving relationship, then you have got to be the instigator, the initiator of a lot of sex. Um, you can't just depend on him to be bringing it up, because he's going to feel like maybe he's putting you out or you're not being responsive to him, or you tell him no a few times; he's not going to be willing to take that rejection over and over again. So if you're not opening the doors and allowing for sex in your life on a regular basis, that relationship is dying a slow, miserable death, and it won't be long before you find yourself single out there trying to figure things out at age 50. And trust me, that's not where you want to be.
When it comes to children, we all tend to focus our attention on their needs, and rightly so, especially when they're babies. But children can kind of become an excuse for women to not give their husbands the attention they need. If you're not giving your husband the attention that he needs, and you're diverting all that attention to your children, regardless of what the needs of your children are, you are going to find that your husband is going to lose interest in you, and he is going to resent you, and he's going to resent your kids. So I would strongly suggest that you um, become acutely aware of your husband's needs, even though there's going to be a time when your children are going to be taking precedent. You just need to be able to identify: when do your children really need you, like where, what's the the moment they really need you, and when does your husband um, really need you? And you're going to have to figure that out. Now, I know it's a tough one, but I do know that a lot of women, as soon as those children come into the family, they will um, avoid contact with her husband, or the sex stops with her husband, or um, intimacy of any kind stops; the husband um, it's all about the child. And uh, yeah, that's not a uh, that's not what a man is looking for in a relationship at that stage in the game. So if, unless you want to be a single mom—you know, maybe you do—you need definitely need to make sure that you're giving your attention appropriately to your husband, especially when it comes to intimacy. If he's not getting it after the children come, um, yeah, you're, you're losing his mind and his heart. And once you've lost that, you've lost the game, you know, because it's a it's a feeling of um, having been used, that the man gets, like you used him for this purpose specifically, and then you abandoned him emotionally. And when a man feels abandoned emotionally, he's going to be resentful, and he feels disrespected, and then we already talked about respect, you know, now you're just an argument away from being single. So unless uh, being single is your objective—you want to remain married, you want to have a happy marriage—then you've got to make sure that you take into account the needs of your husband. I know you're thinking, "Oh my gosh, where do my needs come into, into place?" You know, your needs are being accounted for; your husband is there for you; he is providing for you; he's doing everything he can to make sure that you're happy. But if you don't reciprocate directly with him, then he's going to be less likely to want to play that role in your life.
Trying to be controlling is another big one that um, really drives a wedge into relationships. If you can't be in a partnership with someone without trying to take control of every aspect of their, of your life, then um, you're probably lacking the basic skills necessary to have a healthy relationship with anyone, much less with a in a marital situation. Um, but controlling women is almost a meme these days, you know, it's and it's been like that for a long time. The reason why men complain so much about women is because women do try to take control, and one of the ways they do it is they act like they're overworked, and then they try to treat the man like he's some kind of a child and diminish him in some way, which of course is another sign of disrespect. So if you're going to be in a partnership with a man, you've got to treat him with respect, treat him as an equal, and include him in the um, give and take of what needs to happen in your lives—buying houses, buying cars, planning vacations, even planning weekend trips, um, whatever it might be. You've got to have conversations about these things, and you can't have a predetermined idea about the way things should be. Women frequently have this preconceived idea about the way their lives should look, and if it doesn't look like that, then they immediately pull the emergency, you know, handle on the fire alarm, and they want to bail. They think that things are going completely wrong when really they're just one conversation away, one open-minded conversation away from getting things back on track. And um, yeah, and I give you all this information really as a warning, because the uh, I've seen it up close and personal. And when women get divorced later in life or they're widowed later in life, you know, which is even worse, it rarely works out as well as they think. They believe that they're going to reclaim their independence, and with that independence they're going to be financially capable of making a lot of decisions that they used to make without any problems, and that rarely is the case. More often than not, they're struggling financially, emotionally, psychologically. Um, a large percentage of them really wish that they had not given up their marriage or they hadn't walked away from what had been a pretty good thing. Most of them know that their husbands would never have left them. I know in my own case, I am as happy as possible that my wife has left me. However, I know she is very, very sad, and she has asked me to take her back on many, many occasions, and she's apologized repeatedly for, for leaving. And she did what so many women do; you know, she got um, afraid; her neurosis took over; she became um, concerned that our finances weren't going well at the time because I was in the process of changing careers. And who knows, she just decided to leave when I was at my lowest point, and um, and and she regrets it with every fiber of her body. Uh, so I strongly, strongly, strongly recommend that you take a look at some of these aspects of your relationship that I've talked about here and see if there's anything you can do to improve them. The one thing about men is we are loyal to the end. I mean, for the most part. I know there's some out there who will cheat on you; I know there's people who will stab you in the back; they will betray you. But generally speaking, men will stick with you. Men want to be your rock; they want to be the one you depend on; they want to be the guy that um, you know, it's the hero; they
Want to be the hero? And if you give them the opportunity to be the hero, they will, will stick by your side no matter what. But if you make them the villain of this story, if you turn them into someone who's not good enough, if you question their masculinity, if you disrespect them in any way, if you withdraw your affections, if you um make them feel like they're just not up to snuff, like you made a mistake when you got married, they'll be very difficult to take that back. It's like firing a gun; once that bullet has left the the barrel of that gun, the damage that it's going to cause is irreputable; it's it will not be easily fixed. You know, so you hopefully have not fired any fatal shots yet. But if you're struggling in your marriage, I strongly recommend that you take a look at these things and consider how you have behaved and what you might be able to do differently to um to save it, because it's never too late. That's one thing with men; man, we'll we'll hang in there with you through thick and thin, um and most often times it's never too late; we want to make it work. But if uh if you pushed it too far, it may it may already be too late.
So if you know a woman or a couple that is going through what may be the end of their marriage, the end of a relationship, share this video with them. I think that because women initiate most divorces, they don't consider the possibility that they are significantly contributing to the problem and that they hold the key to possibly solving it. I realize that there are two sides to every story, and certainly um men hold the their their share of the blame for any relationship breakdown, but women are the ones who take action; they're the ones who believe that they are the more emotionally intelligent and uh they have the the most to lose. So if you're a woman, or you're a guy who knows a woman who's thinking about getting a divorce, I strongly suggest you share this video with her; maybe it will uh save her and him a lot of anguish, and maybe it'll save what otherwise could have been a terrible outcome.
All right you guys, that's all I got for you today. If you are a woman and you are watching this channel, I've heard from many women that they really enjoy my insights because I'm obviously seeing it from a man's perspective, relationships, and I try to convey it with a little bit of humor. Sometimes I do take it a little bit um over the top, but it's to make a point. Anyway, I hope you'll like and subscribe, and um until next time, stay healthy and if you can, or if you're not already single, see if you can stay single.