Transcription
How many people in your life would describe you as someone who is unnecessarily stubborn, unnecessarily difficult, insensitive, cold, selfish, controlling?
For those of you who may not know, I'm currently using the movie Kimmy to explore a lot of really important conversations around autism. In the last video, I explored internalized autistic meltdowns, so if you haven't watched that video yet, please go give that video a watch. I want to thank you guys for putting more of an effort to leave comments and liking my last video that got demonetized. I feel like my suspicions of having a lot of silent viewers were confirmed because a lot of you guys were commenting on that video saying how you've been watching me for a while but you just never really engage. And I'm just really thankful that you were able to understand how much of an impact your direct engagement has on small channels like mine. Never think your interaction with my videos doesn't matter, because they really do.
In today's video, I will be mainly focusing on the differences in autistic communication styles versus neurotypical, non-autistic communication styles, and why that makes us unlikable people. My goal in today's discussion is to break down why all of these negative labels stem from the fundamental fact that people view autistic needs as unnecessary.
[Music]
It's late afternoon. I guess she's just starting work now. "Kimmy, I'm here. Open yesterday's stream on desktop." I love that sound design just now. For those of you who don't have sensory sensitivities or sound sensitivities and you watch this movie, imagine hearing white noise every day, that loud, all the time in the background. You would go insane. So when you get noise-canceling headphones and you put it on and it's this quiet, can you see why we constantly need those headphones on now and why we rely so much on it? She's so sensitive to sensory stimuli that even with her noise-canceling headphones, she felt the vibration of the construction workers upstairs through her body. And so when she took her headphones off, she started hearing it with her ears. Isn't that crazy how sensitive she is?
[Music]
"Hello, Marcos, it's Angela. I thought we had an agreement." So from this phone call, we get that Angela has already made an effort to talk to the head of construction workers about what schedule works best for both of them. Another thing we're going to see exhibited here, but also throughout the movie, she has a really hard time with small talk. She doesn't like to "lube up the conversation," as my best friend Kevin would say, and then slowly get to the point; she just starts with the point. "Hello, Marcos, it's Angela. I thought we had an agreement." She doesn't really say hello or anything or ask him about his day; she says, "I thought we had an agreement." So she gets straight to the point, and that sort of behavior really irks neurotypical people, or people who assimilate to neurotypical socialization, because people see that as rude. Depending on who you're talking to, they'll find it really, really off-putting. Other people might just think, "Oh, you're kind of unpleasant to be around."
"I know, but I got the carpet guy coming and the taac strip went down all long; I just need a couple of hours." "I get it; I have deadlines too, which is why we agreed 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. on weekdays, 10 to 5:00 on Saturdays, and never on Sundays." Another aspect of her communication style that irks people the wrong way is her very logical, matter-of-fact communication. "We had an agreement, and you're not honoring that agreement, so let me remind you of what that agreement is because you must have forgotten." "Please don't do that; do what say the same thing over and over again until I can't take it anymore and I give up." I feel like this is also one of those autistic traits that people really dislike, and I've experienced this too because I tend to talk in circles, as non-autistic people say. There's so many times in my life where if I'm talking to someone that I'm comfortable with and close to, and there's just a certain thing or a certain type of subject or concept that they're not quite getting, I'll repeat it again and again, right? Whether it's just objectively repeating the same exact sentences again, but more often than not, I'm repeating the same concept but using different metaphors and different ways to explain that concept to the person. And so for her, she just says the same thing again and again: "We agreed on this time; you're not honoring it." And he's like, "Yeah, but this, but that," and she's like, "We agreed on this time; all I'm doing is reminding you that you said 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. on weekdays, 10 on Saturdays, and never…" He's not going out of his way to be malicious, right? He's just being uneducated about autistic needs. He thinks it's no big deal; we're just quickly going to do construction and we're not going to do this again. You know, this is just one of those times where we are not honoring the schedule, but for her, it is a huge deal. Not only is our whole day going to be off, but the next day is going to be off because the previous day is off. It's like a ripple effect; once one thing goes wrong, it's so hard for other parts of your day or week or month to go right because the system that we intricately build is contingent on these particular choices that we make to accommodate those sensory sensitivities. If he were in her shoes, he would just think, "Oh, that's annoying," finish work, and then move on with his day. But for her, it would impact her long after those few hours of construction. For non-autistic people, things like this, at its worst, is an inconvenience, but for autistic people, things like this, at its worst, is disabling.
"Hold the work, guys, dry away, putting to get the strips up, and don't use a nail gun next time." "Who, what are you in the business?" Most people would think that she is upset with him and she's mad at him, when in reality, for her, it's just very objective. "I'm not mad at you; I'm not upset with you; I'm not judging you; it's just I need to work; you need to honor the plans we agreed upon." After they find that resolution and the noise stops, she gives him tips and solutions to some of the problems that he mentioned; she's looking out for him. "I got the carpet guy coming and the taac strip went down all long; I just need a couple of hours. Try a wi putty knife to get the strips up, and don't use a nail gun next time." This is how a lot of autistic folks can show love and empathy. It could be really hard for us to know the exact thing to say or how to exhibit a certain emotion a certain way; it's easier for us to just do something that objectively is helpful for someone.
"Whoa, what are you in the business? My dad was; he did my place; maybe I should talk to him." "You can't." So another thing that we're going to see is how often guys are pursuing her and expressing interest in her romantically or sexually; I don't know, and she just completely doesn't care. "Maybe I should talk to him. You can't. Anything for you, hotness. Can't say that [ __ ] anymore, Darius." And I'm not sure if it's because she doesn't catch on to them flirting with her or if she actually does know, but because she doesn't like them back, she doesn't care to respond to it.
"Just let me know whenever you're going to go out." "Will you?" "Yep, thanks. Bye." Another one of her autistic traits is that once she gets what she needs out of a social interaction, she's done with it. So not only is it hard for her to lube up the conversation before she gets to the meat of the interaction, but it's also hard for her to exit smoothly as well. I feel like this is actually one of the reasons why a lot of autistic folks end up being somewhat agoraphobic or being at home constantly; it's our way of avoiding interactions that we don't want to have. When she's home and she's talking to someone and she's done with the conversation, she could just say goodbye, hang up the phone, and get back to work. "Okay, bye, Mom. Thanks for the help." "BL, don't leave me." No. And the thing is, most people want to just endlessly conversate, talk about a bunch of different things outside of the point, and there's no definitive beginning, middle, end to the conversation; it just goes on and on and on. So when she's done with the conversation, she basically just hangs up and doesn't talk anymore, and a lot of people would see that behavior as rude: "Oh my God, you just hang up after you get what you need from me and you don't care about me." The way people interpret things is just so harmful for autistic folks; like it really, really is.
I hope I'm helping you guys understand what certain behaviors lead you to mask so much to the detriment of yourself. It's because either you don't mask and then people have a negative outlook on who you are and what your intentions are, or you mask really intensely so that people don't have to think of you as someone who doesn't care about them, who's rude, you know, things like that. "She's not disinterested in men; she's just disinterested in men that she's not interested in." That was such a clever line. As you can see, she ignores a lot of guys who are outright flirting with her, but she continues to fixate on this guy because he's the only one she's interested in, and she actively flirts with him, and she actively pursues him. And I think this is a common dynamic that a lot of us can have in our romantic partnerships; we end up being more of the pursuer in the relationship dynamic because we need things to happen on our own terms, and we feel like people pursuing us and coming to us is really off-putting because it's outside of our control; we didn't expect it; we're not ready for it; we don't want it; and it's like an expectation that we don't want placed on us, right?
"I wonder if that's just like a PDA thing; probably is."
"I'm here to install a cable. You didn't buzz downstairs; somebody was coming out; you're still supposed to buzz." "Social fuxa." This is another one of those situations where, as the non-autistic person, he thinks, "What's the big deal? You wanted me to come over and I came over; why do I have to buzz through the door when people were already coming out and I could just open the door and get in?" If anything, he probably thinks he did her a favor because she doesn't have to buzz him in. Not only that, when he comes up thinking that he not only did her a favor, but he says this cute, flirty line of, "Do you need me to come fix something for you?" He's like trying to roleplay as, I guess, like a maintenance guy or something that completely goes over her head because she's so upset about him not buzzing in. "I'm here to install a cable. You didn't buzz downstairs; somebody was coming out; you're still supposed to buzz." The thing is, both people make sense in this situation. I understand where he's coming from and his mindset, and I empathize with how this thing that shouldn't have been such a big deal turned into a big deal, and now there's this awkward tension. But then, on her end, I could also empathize with the fact that she needs to make sure everything is running smoothly so that she could run with it because, for her, she plans everything out for a specific reason. She thinks he's coming over; I'll have enough time to get ready for all of this; let me go do my routine of brushing my teeth and cleaning up. And so when he just shows up and it's a surprise to her all of a sudden, that throws off her plans of getting ready for the interaction. You see what I'm saying? So it's one of those things where non-autistic people see our rigidity or our coldness as us not wanting the same things as them, rather than thinking we want the same things; we want to enjoy you and the moment, but we just need certain things in order to do that, or else we're going to be completely disregulated and unable to connect.
"What if somebody's coming out? You know, I'm on the way; you have to buzz." "Okay, okay, sorry." You see how all of these signals can completely miss each other and there's misunderstandings because people don't understand the intention and the why behind autistic people's behaviors. He probably feels rejected right now, just like how a lot of other people that Angela interacts with feels rejected by her, but she's not even rejecting them; it's not about them; it's about her making sure she meets all of her needs in order to actively participate and interact with them. This is why it's so important to, if you have an autistic person in your life, make the effort to understand autistic behaviors, the why behind them, and the why behind certain accommodations so that everyone could be on the same page and there isn't all of this unnecessary strife that comes from being ignorant and not understanding, right? It's for both people because, for the beloved one of the autistic person, the last thing you want is to think that you're constantly being rejected and to constantly think that the autistic loved one doesn't actually care about you when they actually do really want you, do really love you, do really care about you. For us autistics, we may think to ourselves, "Why can't my person just do this one small gesture that makes a huge astronomical difference for me?" Whereas for the non-autistic person, they may think to themselves, "Why does this one small gesture have to matter so much to you?" We want to make sure we're understanding each other, just like how we try our best to translate non-autistic people's languages; it would be really nice for other people to do the same for us. Maybe we're not in a place where society as a whole will do that, but at least we can afford to have our loved ones in our life make that effort for us, right?
"A lot… I actually don't work for the cable company." "Oh, great." This is another, another instance where she did what she needed to do and now she's moving on to the next thing; there's no need to dilly-dally. I think that's such an autistic trait because it's really hard for us to just float around and exist in social interactions when there's nothing specific for us to do. I feel like neurotypical society likes to linger around a lot. Most people would think, "Oh, we just had sex; why don't you just come chill with me and talk? Why are you jumping into cleaning your sheets already?" This is what it could look like when you know how to accommodate yourself as an autistic person; you're basically constantly setting yourself up to be able to do the next thing. In order for her to be able to fall asleep that night, she has to make sure her sheets are clean, and so in order for her to have the sheets clean in time for bed, she has to go clean the sheets now. You know what I'm saying? And so I understand why she is the way she is, but I'm also observing her from how neurotypical, non-autistic people would observe her, and it's interesting because when I do it from their lens, I see all of the negative judgments they would have of her, and then I feel really, really bad for her because all of these people in her life are completely missing the point when it comes to her, and it, it really is so discouraging for people like her to experience that constant feeling of not being understood or not being seen within your relationships.
"You… he… that… the pink door… no… you really hear… you did… I just like the picture… why would you write…" "Oh my God, so delicious; never been there before." So he's super confused and judgmental about her posting on Instagram pictures of things that she says she did but didn't actually do. He knows that she never leaves her apartment, so he's like, "Why do you post pictures of this restaurant saying that it was yummy when you didn't even go?" And so, as the non-autistic person, he thinks that behavior is really weird and doesn't make any sense, but, but I know how autistic folks think; we tend to take a certain thing and abstract the concept so much, and so it kind of, in a weird way, makes you do things that would actually make a lot of sense, but on the outside, people don't understand it because they don't go through the process of deconstruction themselves. So for her, she thinks to herself, "There's people on Instagram that edit pictures of themselves so that they look different; they post pictures of somewhere they went a few months ago as if they're there right now; people post pictures of their spouses and talk about how much they love them even though they fight all the time; what's the difference between that versus me posting a picture of a restaurant that I didn't actually eat at but I wish I did because it looks cool?" You know, both things aren't real. "And your Instagram is [ __ ] by the way; I data scraped it; it's full of reposts and lies; I don't even know who you are really; who makes fake life online, huh?" "Literally everyone." She didn't actually go to the restaurant, just like how that person doesn't actually like their boyfriend and girlfriend, but for some reason, one is acceptable and normalized and the other is weird and judged. Does that make sense?
All righty, so that brings us to the end of today's video. I hope it's been validating for you to see why socializing could be so, so exhausting for you. In next week's video, I will be continuing the exploration of this sort of topic and how miscommunication affects the character Angela in her romantic relationship.
"I'm sorry; you promised you wouldn't do that." "I brought that up; that was my suggestion on my terms." "Look, I don't know how much longer I get through my streams; I have worked tonight." "Washaw." Yeah, they don't actually love you; they just want to love you as long as it's convenient for them. Do not sacrifice your peace for the sake of a mediocre relationship that leaves you feeling invisible, unseen, and misunderstood. We step out into the world already risking to experience those things; you do not want to come home every day and know that you're going to experience those things. You deserve to feel safe; you deserve someone that is willing to understand you; you deserve better, period. Full stop. Make sure you guys take some time today to drink some water, eat some food, and take yourself on a lovely walk. I will see you guys on next week's video. Take care.