Transcription
How would you like a beginner's guide to setting boundaries? That's what I'ma give you today. In this video, we're gonna talk about how to set boundaries, what is a boundary, and some examples so that you understand boundaries, so that you can start setting them in relationships.
But first, my name is Michelle Farris. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist, and I love helping you create relationships that work. So, the thing about boundaries is that every relationship needs one, whether it's with your mate, your parent, your friend, your child, even young children. Boundaries are really important because it keeps us safe and it keeps our relationships healthy. And it really protects our relationships from things like resentment and feeling obligated or feeling taken advantage of.
So, what I wanna start with is what is a healthy boundary? So, a boundary is basically limits that you set for yourself that determine three things. One, where you're gonna spend your time and energy. Two, what behaviors you're going to accept in a relationship. And three, when you decide to either say no or remove yourself from a potentially dangerous or uncomfortable situation. And, that's why boundaries honestly are gonna look different for everybody. Please don't compare your boundaries with someone else's. What I want you to do is remember that you have a right to set whatever boundary you need to set. And, it's gonna become clear as we keep going today. But, first for the best relationship advice, especially if you have a big heart, please subscribe to my channel so that you can be the first to see my videos.
So, let's talk about what a boundary is not. Okay? Because sometimes there can be some confusion. So, a boundary is not about getting somebody else to change their behavior. Okay? That's where most people get stuck and that's honestly why most boundaries fail is because it's something that is out of our control, whereas if the boundary is about what you're doing or what your deciding to participate in, then you have complete control over that.
Now, a boundary is also not an ultimatum. Saying something like, "If you don't stop drinking, I'm leaving," or "If you don't get a better attitude, I'm outta here." Those again, don't really work very well in relationship, but we usually use those when we're at our wits end and we just don't know anything else to do.
So, there's two boundaries I'm gonna help you learn about today. One is your physical boundary, which is super important. And the next is an emotional boundary. Physical boundary determines how much space you need in any given situation, whether it's at work, in certain relationships, with family. That protects you and helps you feel safe and comfortable, because the amount of distance you need in order to feel safe is really gonna depend more on your own history and your own experience. So for instance, if you have any type of trauma or abuse in your background, your physical boundary is gonna be extra, extra important because it's gonna help you feel safe in certain situations. You may not wanna be touched. You may want a lot of distance between you and certain people that you feel uncomfortable with. That's perfectly fine. Okay? We don't wanna judge ourselves for the boundaries we need to set. Even if they seem pretty firm compared to somebody else's, okay? These are really about you.
Now, the second boundary is an emotional boundary, and this is what helps us feel emotionally safe and respected in our relationships. So, an example of a physical boundary might be somebody standing too close to you at a party. We've probably all had that experience where somebody is just right in our face and we're kind of uncomfortable. And, we don't know what to say, 'cause we don't know them very well. So, one way to handle that might be to back up and see if they get the hint. If they don't get the hint, one of the things you could do is to speak up about it and say, "Hey, you know what? I just need a little more space." If you don't feel comfortable with that, a lot of times people just excuse themselves and say, "Thanks so much. I need to go right now. I need to go find my husband or whatever." Those are some ways to deal with the physical boundary.
Now, another physical boundary is say somebody around you is out of control screaming in a rage, okay? That can be very scary. And that can also be an emotional boundary because it can affect your physical safety and your emotional safety. But, that's really important because if you know someone who tends to rage, it's gonna be really important for you to see that coming so you can decide when you need to exit. Because reasoning things out with them or trying to tell them to calm down doesn't usually work. Again, that's not really a boundary because you can't control what they do. You can say something and make a request and say, "I'd really like to continue this conversation when we're both calm." I would use the word 'both,' not 'you,' because if you're commenting on someone else's rage when they're in a rage, it doesn't typically work. They probably will explode even more, and I don't want that for you.
Though for an emotional boundary, it can be something like when somebody mistreats you in any way or they say something to hurt your feelings. You may need to stand up for yourself. You may need to say something and say, "You know, when you said that to me last week, I was really hurt." Now, that's more of a communication, not a boundary. But here's where the boundary comes in. If somebody is mistreating you and you have spoken up and asked them to stop, the boundary hasn't been really set yet. That's a request. But where the boundary comes in is if they do it again. If that person continues to do the same behavior, because they can't stop, they don't have the tools, they don't have the awareness about their own behavior, then the boundary comes back to you in terms of you removing yourself. You deciding, "Hey, maybe I don't want as much contact with this person," or "I'm not gonna put myself in certain situations with them because they do this behavior that makes me uncomfortable." Okay? Super, super important. Because again, boundaries are most successful when they're about you. When they're about trying to get somebody else to change, that's when they don't typically work.
Now again, you can make a request. You can say, "Hey, I really would love it if you stopped drinking, because it's really bothering me and it's bothering the kids." You can absolutely say that. The problem is that you're not gonna be able to control whether or not they follow through. But you can control whether or not you stay in that relationship or how much you stay in that relationship. So for instance, if you are married to someone who drinks too much and you're not ready to leave, maybe a boundary is that you're gonna remove yourself when that person's drinking. So, you're not gonna engage when they're intoxicated. That can be a very good boundary, especially for you and your kids.
So, do you have a sense of what boundaries are at this point? So, what I want you to do is write in the comments: Where do you get stuck in setting boundaries? Is it thinking they're about other people, not yourself? Is it actually setting the boundary? Because now what we're gonna talk about is the steps it takes to actually set a boundary.
Now, the first step is you gotta know your limits. Most people get really confused when they start to think of boundaries, because they think about what behaviors they want the other person to stop. Really, our boundaries are based on our core values. So, if you value respect, honesty, recovery, sobriety, things like that, that's where you're gonna wanna set your boundary. So for instance, I don't tend to hang out with people who drink a lot because that's not part of my value system. Now, it doesn't mean I don't know people who drink a lot, but I'm gonna minimize the time I spend with them if I know they're gonna be drinking a lot, because that's not where I wanna be.
So, now the next step is I want you to give yourself permission to actually have the boundary, because what I see a lot of people do is they feel really guilty and they tell themselves things like, "Oh, I'm being too sensitive. That's silly. I shouldn't need that from anybody. I should be able to cope with this and not say anything or speak out." The problem is that then you're denying your own wants, and that's unhealthy. So, what I want you to do is just give yourself permission that it's okay to have the boundaries that you have. Because again, even if you're judging yourself or you're afraid somebody else is gonna judge you, I guarantee if I heard your story, your boundaries would make sense because they would probably connect to some earlier experiences that were really important. And if you didn't feel safe physically, emotionally, or you didn't feel heard a lot as a kid, your boundaries are gonna look different based on what your values are and what you want. And what's important to you in relationship. Okay?
Now, the third one is you need to communicate your boundaries. And, this is another place where people get stuck because they're of the other person's reaction. They might think, "Oh my gosh, this person is gonna be really mad if I set a boundary. What if they get upset at me?" Well, they might. Again, if the boundary is about what your going to do, it's gonna go over a lot better than if you're talking about what you want them to do. Make sure your boundary is something you can enforce because it's something that you're in complete control over. Okay? It's gonna be a lot better.
Now, if you wanna make a request of somebody else's behavior, absolutely you can do that. And you're gonna have to let go of what they do with that. Whether or not they say yes or no.
Now, the last part in setting boundaries is don't take their reaction personally. If they get upset, if they say mean things about you, most of the time this isn't gonna happen, but with more problematic people in your life, it could. So, what I always recommend is start with little boundaries with the safest people you have in your life. Because, somebody else's reaction is really gonna be more about them than it is about you anyway.
Setting boundaries is really important. It's an important life skill that's gonna make your relationships feel a lot more respectful. It's gonna help you feel like you have a voice, and it's a way that you're gonna take care of yourself. And, so that's why I really want you to spend some time really considering what are your boundaries and who can you start expressing those to in a safe way where it's not gonna be as scary. Don't start with the hardest people, always start with the safest people to you. And if you're a little bit confused, because you're not really sure where your relationships are at, I want you to look at my relationships checklist because that's gonna help you look at the quality of your relationships. And who do you feel safe with and who do you not feel safe with? Because, that's important when we're practicing a new behavior. I never recommend practicing a new behavior with people that you don't feel really comfortable with.
So again, this is your beginner's guide to setting boundaries, and I hope you found it really helpful. Thanks so much. Bye.