Transcription
But for tonight, here, what we're looking at is this series, and we're almost done. It's a few weeks left, but it's, we spend so much time in the world of complex trauma, looking at how complex trauma negatively affected us, and it did. And the results of complex trauma are horrific. And I spend a lot of my life teaching people to see how it affects every part of who you are, how you think, how you relate to others, how you cope, all in negative ways.
And we spend so much time on that that I always get asked, "Okay, what does healthy look like? And what are tools to become healthier?" So, the first step of changing is self-awareness. And we need all of this teaching on how complex trauma has affected us. But once we get that, what's the next steps to becoming healthy? So that's what this series has been about. And we're approaching it from the perspective of every person has needs that are built into them. And we list 12 different needs. And so tonight, we're looking at the built-in need for belonging.
What we're going to look at is complex trauma takes that belonging need and really messes it up. And as a result, a child has to adapt, and they still want to get that need met, but they don't know how to meet it in a healthy way. They're afraid to try and meet it in healthier ways. And so they develop ways of trying to get the need met that seem to work, but to actually make things worse. So I want to develop that for a bit and then move into what are healthy steps in this meeting our need for belonging.
So, if you've never stopped to think about it, every person has somewhere deep inside of them a desire to connect. So, a child wants to have a friend. You want to connect, to feel part of a group, to feel like you belong, that you fit in. And that is just hardwired into all of us. Children want to connect with parents. And then as they get older, they want to have an intimate relationship where they feel a connection that goes deeper than with any other person. And that, if you've not thought about it, influences a whole bunch of our decisions, how we approach relationships, how we go about life.
The way it was designed, and that's where I want to start, is that a child, by design, wants first of all to connect with parents. And what I've taught in the past is that when a child is born, oxytocin is a chemical that is released in the brain of the mom. And that causes within her a desire to bond or connect with this child. And a child wants to connect with a parent. And they want their parent to be the main person who meets their needs, the main person who accepts them. They want to get their validation from mom and dad. They want to get their acceptance from mom and dad. They want to have a sense of safety with mom and dad so that they can be totally relaxed, not have to wear any masks, not have any walls, but can be genuine, authentic, and be themselves. And that is built into every child.
And part of that is they want mom and dad to understand them, to understand what the world looks like through their eyes. They want mom and dad not just to love them with actions, but to have a passion for them, to get to get excited when they spend time with them, not just do loving things out of a sense of obligation or out of duty. So, what I want you to realize is the child's built-in need is to connect with mom and dad, to feel that they fit in and belong in their biological family, that that's their place. These are their people.
But if that doesn't happen, you've got problems. But if it does happen, think of the ramifications of that. If a child felt totally accepted, loved, valued, cherished, that they fit in, belong, home is a safe place, a happy place, a place where their needs get met. Do you realize that that child would have a great respect for their mom and dad? And they would want to please mom and dad, not to earn love, but as a way of overflowing the love that they already feel that they're getting from mom and dad. And that would all happen within the family. And then, because of the respect for mom and dad, now what mom and dad say would carry more weight in their decisions than what anybody else says. So they would value mom and dad's opinion and advice more than anybody else's opinion and advice. That is the importance and the priority that mom and dad would have in their life.
So when they went off to school, they would get peer pressure, but they don't feel the need to conform or fit in there if the pressure is to do bad things. Why? Because they fit in at home. They know they belong there. They know that that's where they're going to get their needs met and be loved and accepted. So, it's okay to have friends, but they sure don't need feel the need to fit in with all those kids by doing what everybody else is doing.
Now, some of you are sitting there going, "And what planet does that happen? Because that sure never happened in my life." And that's what I want you to realize. That a child growing up in a healthy home where they belong there and they know it and it's safe and they're loved, they feel peer pressure, but they aren't vulnerable to peer pressure like kids from complex trauma.
Because here's what happens with complex trauma. A child grows up and they try to connect with mom and dad. They go to mom or dad, and dad says, "Get over it. Toughen up. Quit being such a sissy." They try to talk about stuff with mom and dad, and mom says, "Oh, we can't talk about that." And it gets pushed aside. And you, you're trying to form a connection, but you can't. And then you try to form a connection, but they're just too busy in their world with their job, with their stuff, they never seem to have time with you. And when they do have time, you just feel it's out of obligation. They're not excited about it. So, you can't form a connection. And then you feel them criticize you about stuff. What you do never seems to be quite good enough. And you always feel that you're compared to others. And sometimes you wish or you think they wish they didn't have you as one of their kids, that maybe that they would have preferred to have your cousin or the neighbor kid. They seem to like them a whole lot better. And so you don't feel like you fit in at home. You don't feel like it's a place you can connect, even though you're trying to.
And so what happens with that is complex trauma. Because now you feel all alone. And what is complex trauma? Feeling you can't handle the world around you and its problems. It's a scary place. So if you can't connect to two strong people, and you're just little old you against the big bad world, that's a scary thing. And so what comes out of that then is a whole list of things, and we've gone through them in the past. Let me quickly go through them.
But the first thing that comes out of that is shame. Because the child believes the reason mom and dad don't want to connect with me must be because it's my fault. I'm not good enough. And so they begin to incorporate a core belief that I'm not lovable or I'm not valuable. Next thing they begin to believe is the only way to get love and acceptance is you got to earn it or you got to wear a mask. You cannot be authentic. You have to be something other than what you are because what you are is not good enough. And so children will begin to try different roles to try to fit in, to try to belong within that family. They'll try to be a hero or a comedian or an invisible child that never makes any demands. And then hopefully mom and dad will accept me and I'll belong.
And then you get the problem child that says, "Screw all of this. I'm not conforming or I'm not going to try to earn their love and acceptance because I'll never earn it. It doesn't matter what I do. It still will never be good enough." And so they rebel. And then you still have this huge longing to fit in and belong, to connect. If you can't do it at home, where then do you go? You then go and look for a peer group where you can belong. And that's what most of you have done.
And so what kind of peer group do you go to? You go to a group that you naturally respect. So if you're a nerd, you go and look for the nerds. If you're a jock, the jocks. If you're a pthead, the ptheads. You just go and try to fit in where you think you have the best chance of getting accepted and with people that you kind of look up to. And so then you go to that group hoping that if you conform to what they do, they will accept you and validate you what you've been looking for from home but never got.
Now, here's where it can start to go in different directions. If you grew up in a home with lots of anger and maybe violence, there was a part of you that was super angry. You might not have shown it, but it was there. And there was a part of you that was rebelling deep inside. And so, there's something in you that is attracted to other angry, rebellious kids, the bad boys. And you have this radar that seeks out the bad boys, and you're prepared to be just as bad as them so that you belong and you fit in.
Now, there's a problem that begins that you become aware of. What you begin to realize is they're accepting me and I belong, but I'm still not the real me. I'm still wearing a mask. I'm conforming in order to fit in. I am trying to avoid rejection. So, right now it seems like they've accepted me, but would they still accept me if they saw the real me? And now you have insecurity around that. But you constantly now are thinking, conformity, conformity, conformity is what I must do. And therefore become sensitive to constant peer pressure and doing whatever they want just so I will be accepted. And so you give up more of your values, your morals just to fit in.
Next thing that begins to happen. When you first go and fit in with this peer group, you feel, "I belong. This feels finally like family." And everybody is saying, "Hi, bro. How are you?" Fist pumping, and we're there for each other, and the hugs and all of that stuff. And then after a while, you begin to realize, "I think there's a lot of selfish people here using me. This doesn't feel like a loving family. This feels like a family where people are conforming to fit in with the authority in that family. But it's not feeling very good." And you begin to have all kinds of internal questions. Often you push them right back down because you don't want to go there. It's just too scary. But that can begin to happen.
And so you begin to go to the next step, which is this. In order to fit in, I am losing myself more and more. I am losing my morals more and more. I am doing things that cause me to hate myself. But what do I do? This is the only place that seems to accept me. And that becomes the dilemma. So the thing that seemed to be working to satisfy your need to belong is now running out of gas and proving to be not a good solution. And that's where a lot of people come to, and they get really confused.
Now, let me just stop and say this. It is not a good group of friends if they ask you to conform by doing things that ultimately are self-destructive, that ultimately hurt you and hurt those you love. That is not a good group of friends. But for people who are desperate to feel like they belong, they will try to convince themselves that that is a good group of friends. But if they ever stopped and got honest with themselves, they would have to say, "How can it be a good group of friends that say they love me, but they're asking me to do things that are destroying me? Something is not adding up." And that becomes the internal pressure. And so for a lot of people, they won't get totally honest about that until everything falls apart. And life gets so painful and so difficult that they finally have to get honest. But that is a very difficult day.
Now, let me just add a couple things that you might be asking questions about. Okay. So, every child, whether they're from complex trauma or not, will experience peer pressure. So, even a child in a very healthy home where they feel that they totally belong at home, they still want to feel that they have good friends. They still want to connect with friends. But what I want you to understand is this. Children who have true healthy connection at home and feel totally that they belong at home, they will be okay making friends at school. But if those friends ask them to do something that they know violates their morals, they can resist that peer pressure. And what enables them to resist that peer pressure is the fact that, "I've got home, and that's my place. I know I will be loved and accepted there." So I don't need this acceptance over here because I've already got it in a more important place. And so that becomes the main thing that helps them resist peer pressure.
So, if you remember days when they had on TV, "Just say no." Do you realize the flaw of that whole advertising campaign? It was saying, "Just say no," but you don't have a home where you can get the support and acceptance. So you're saying, "Say no," and then have nothing. Have nothing at home as far as belonging. Have nothing by saying no that now you don't belong in that world. So to just say no means you got to stand as a very weak, vulnerable person and end up with nothing. And ultimately, that does not work. That campaign did not bring true results. So you have to start by providing strength to a child or a backbone to say no. And that strength and backbone is built by having the acceptance and belonging at home where it matters the most. And so that if you had questions, hopefully will help you a little bit.
Now, let me bring this into the world of recovery moving forward. I would say probably a third to a half of the clients that I work with, they come into recovery. Home has not been a place where they've ever felt like they fit in or belong. They've seen themselves or been branded as the black sheep of the family. And so what happens when they come in through recovery is they've left, kind of their family has rejected them. Now they've left their peer group who are all with them in the problem, in the drug scene. And so they come into recovery with nothing, feeling very much alone, often just with a few people they met in detox or in a 12-step meeting.
What I see happens for a third to a half of the people that I deal with is this. I still want to belong at home. So I, instead of creating new friends who are on the same journey and working to be healthy, I'm going to put all my energy into trying to get my family to finally accept me. And I'm going to go and tell them about what I'm learning. I'm going to go tell them about the changes that I'm making in my life, hoping that they're going to pat me on the back and say, "We're so proud of you and accept you with open arms." And what often happens is they go and they tell their parents what they're learning, and instead of getting validation, their parents say, "You think you're better than us now?" And they get rejected.
Now, instead of saying, "Okay, that's a dead end. Let's stop beating our head against that wall. Let's put our energy into creating a new family." They go, "If I learn one more thing here, oh, I can think of a new way of presenting the same thing to mom and dad, and this time they'll accept me." And they, they get everything ready, they run back to mom and dad, and they try to impress them again. Same result. But do you think a good addict's got it after two times? No. They just go away and they keep trying to get mom and dad to accept them. That shows you how deep that longing to belong in our biological family is.
But one of the saddest things to me about complex trauma is if mom and dad aren't willing to look at themselves and change, you're never going to get it there. And you can wear yourself out and ruin your own recovery trying to get it. And that is a painful, painful thing to come to the place where you say, "I'm never going to belong there unless I go back to doing things the way they want them, and I can't do that. So, I'm never going to get it there." And then you go through a grieving process.
But here's what I've seen happen to a lot of people. Mom and dad don't work out. So, they go, "I'm too shy to try and make new friends. Let's go to some of my old friends and let's see if I can build some relationships there." And they do that, and those friends, they're not on the path of getting healthy, and they drag them down. So now they've spent the first six months to a year of recovery trying to fit back in with all the old relationships. And then when they finally realize none of that is working, they go, "I feel so alone. I've been at recovery for a year and I have no healthy relationships. This is so discouraging."
And so what I want you to understand upfront is that if you go back and they do not still accept you and you keep trying, usually it leads to relapse after relapse or hurt after hurt after hurt. And so I'm not saying that everybody has to just say goodbye to their family, but I am saying if you have given an honest effort to try to reconnect, but they still don't accept you and you still don't fit in and they are not going to validate you, at some point, face that and deal with that because if you don't, you're in big trouble.
Now, here's the next thing that people do. Tried mom and dad. Tried old friends. Didn't work. I'm all alone. Don't feel like trying to meet new people. Maybe I can do recovery alone. I'll just isolate and do my little recovery. And I, The problem with isolating is you got yourself. And that's often the most unhealthy person you got in your life. And they're going to lead you to a relapse every time. Because the longer you're in that head of yours, the darker it gets, and it's not a very good place to be.
So usually then people come to the point where they go, "I can't do recovery alone. I'm not going to fit in with my biological family. I got to choose new friends." Now what? And so I say, "Okay, before we get to the solution, there's some intermediate steps." Okay. Number one, if you're going to make it in the early days of recovery, you're going to need boundaries with unhealthy people because you know what? You're going to go to your family and get them to accept you, and they're not. But now, guess what they're going to want to do? They want to rope you back in to be who you used to be. So, they could say, "Here's our sick little kid that needs our help," and feel good about themselves. And so, you're going to need boundaries if you're going to make it. And then, you're going to need a couple people in your life that give you enough strength to start saying no to some of the peer pressure you're going to get. And that is going to be so important.
So, what I say to people is this. You need to create a new family. You need to create a surrogate family. But if you haven't figured it out yet, most people in recovery are pretty sick. So when you go to build your surrogate family, you got to do it very slowly and carefully. Don't just run up to somebody and say, "You're in recovery. Good. I like your story. I think you're great. Let's hit it off and let's be a surrogate family and let's just text each other every day." And then you find out six months later that was one sick puppy. And then you start thinking about it and you go, "You know what? I saw a whole bunch of red flags about them, but I ignored them because I was so desperate for a friend and so desperate to fit in that I ignored my red flags." And so you can't build a surrogate family unless you do it slowly, cautiously, and pay attention to red flags. I don't know one person from complex trauma that likes the word patient or go slow. They go, "This does not compute. We either do everything 110%." Or we don't do it at all. And I go, "Well, it's time to learn a new way of doing things because your 110% has not proved to be very successful."
But this is super, super hard. And so part of what you're building boundaries with is not just as you begin to detect unhealthy people, but you're also aware that you're still quite weak in certain areas. And so you might have to say, "You know what, I'm not capable right now of going and playing pool with my buddies at the bar because that just will bring back too many things that I can't resist." So I have to avoid certain places right now because I'm not strong enough to handle them. So you've got to think all of that through.
And then I say, if you can get one person in your life that you're getting to know and so far is seeming to be somewhat healthy. None of us are perfectly healthy. Develop a buddy system. And what I mean by that is if you go out with some friends and all of a sudden you find yourself struggling, you have your buddy you can phone and say, "I'm in trouble. Help. I need to be able to get out of this," and they can help you get through that. So a buddy system is very important.
Okay. So remember this. Peer pressure triggers your limbic brain and it creates in you fear of not belonging, fear of disappointing people, fear of people being upset with you, and that makes you nervous. But also there's a longing to be loved that they have triggered, that if I conform, I'll get love and validation. Limbic brain. So if you're if you're feeling peer pressure, remind yourself, limbic brain, I got to deescalate that and get back to thinking brain, my cortex. Once you're back to your thinking brain, then you go, "Okay, now let's play this tape to the end." If I go with my friend that says he just got to stop by and visit somebody and drop somebody off, and I know he's a drug dealer, peer pressure, but fear if I don't go along with him, he's not going to like me. But play that tape to the end. So those are the kind of things that you have to do.
Okay. Next thing. As part of your surrogate family, think of it, you need surrogate parents and surrogate siblings. You need mentors that you can look up to and parents you can share your heart with them, but they're not your buddy-buddy. But you need people you can just hang out with. So you can have different people play different roles as you move forward in recovery, and it's okay to have all of those different needs met.
Now, the question I get asked all the time, and we'll end with this. Where in the world do I find these healthy people? So let me tell you your options. I could go to recovery meetings, 12-step, finding freedom. Well, you're going to find a bunch of sick people there, here, wherever. That's recovery. So, recovery, one way to look at early recovery, it's a hospital for very sick people, or it's a nursery for little toddlers who color outside the lines and poop everywhere, and it's a mess. So, you're going expecting to find a bunch of mature adults. You're getting a bunch of rowdy toddlers. Okay, so that's part one.
So then people go, "Well, maybe I'll go to church." And I go, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm a pastor, but churches are full of sick people who don't think they're sick. And that's even worse than people who know they're sick and are sick." And so you can go to church and open yourself up to people and get hurt big time. So then, but those, you can find good healthy people in 12-step, in recovery meetings, and in churches. You just got to be careful, and that means you got to go slow, and you got to pay attention to red flags, which you're not good at. Okay.
Then where else do you go? Well, you can go to groups where there's common interests. So if you love pets and animals, you can go volunteer at the humane society. And then maybe there, if you go slow and careful, you might meet some people that you can form a friendship with. There's all kinds of different types of common interest groups that you can check out. So remember this. When we talk about relationships, you start with acquaintances. Then if you like them, you let them become kind of a casual friend where you get to know them and talk a little bit. And then if you really like them, they go to a close friend, and then to a very close friend. Do you realize that most of the people in your life, if you're fairly healthy, are just going to be casual friends? And that's okay. You only need a couple close friends.
So when you go to these places to check people out, you can make lots of casual friends, and that's fine, and you, you can be good, good about that. You don't have to feel, "Oh, that was a waste of time because I didn't get a bosom buddy out of that." But be patient as you get to meet and and develop casual friends. One or two might begin to be move to a closer friend, and eventually, over time, if you're patient and paying attention, you will get a very good friend, and that will become your person where you belong and you fit in.
Do you want to know what somebody called recovery meetings? It's the place where all the black sheep of the families finally find their real family. And that is what this is supposed to be about. So I want you to understand, just going to meetings does not guarantee you're going to find the first person you meet is going to be healthy. So you have to again have good boundaries, have red flag criteria, and as you go slowly, you can begin to develop some good relationships.
So, we're driven to belong. The point I want you to get is it's possible, but you got to go slowly, and you got to go carefully, because you can keep going and connecting to all the wrong people and get hurt over and over again.