Transcription
[Music] What's up, Mandy? Hi, Dr. Deloney. Thank you for taking my my call. What's up? How are you? Great. Are you for real? Great. Are you just pretending to be great? Always great. Okay, excellent that you can find you can always find a positive spin on life. I've been telling Kelly that forever and she's like, no, you can't. No, you can't. It's mostly all negative. All right, so I'm glad to talk to you. Okay, so what up? So how do my how do I process my feelings, regain my confidence in myself, and how do I work together with my husband to stop this endless cycle of argument and hurt feelings about this particular topic? Go for it. What's the topic? My husband told me he's not attracted to me because of my weight gain. Okay. And I'm very appreciative of him telling me this, and I'm working towards making better choices and losing the weight, but I struggle with the side effects of this conversation. So each person's expectations to approach goals are different, and I want us to be on the same page. I know he loves me, um, but sometimes he's stuck not showing it or verbalizing it because he feels like I'm not getting the results he has set for me. So we're stuck in this endless cycle. Yeah. Um, take me back to that original conversation. What led up to that conversation? I have gained about 40 pounds due to medical reasons, okay? And about a year and a half ago is when all of this started. Um, and he just sat me down and he had just been his demeanor changed, our relationship changed, and I knew something was off with us. We we've been married 11 years, okay? And, um, it just it just didn't feel our normal. We're best friends. We we're we together all the time. And I just asked him, I said, what is wrong? What we need to be open in our communication because that's very important to me, and constructive criticism is a good thing. Um, and he just he laid it out and just said that the weight gain, like that's just how he is designed and it's just not attracted to attracted to him.
Well, he needs to go learn about cultural competency because that's not quote unquote by design, but he's attracted how he's attracted, right? Is what it is. Um, absolutely. I'm this is a t a sensitive topic. So is it do I have your permission just to kind of swan dive into this? Normally I would get to know you better and we would like build some rapport, but because of the the way this time is, we can just jump right in. Is that cool? Yeah. Okay. Not always, but often, often, often when I'm talking to folks in his shoes, okay, and he's not on the phone to defend himself, the weight gain or the change in a person's shape or their quote unquote attractiveness is often a part of a much bigger context. Meaning the weight, the actual visual cue, right? I'm not attracted to and I used to be, is a place to put all of the burden on to. But almost always there's one, two, three or more years of, and I'm just going to I'm going to use you because this is the call, okay? So tell me if I'm off, um, of you feeling less secure about yourself, less playful, joyful, sensual, erotic, um, silly, um, and over time, those things that create desire in a 10-year-old, 9-year-old, 11-year-old marriage, right? Um, those things tend to go away. The little touches, the I'm thinking about you, I'm going to make your coffee, hey, what do you got going on this afternoon? And it's happening for him too, right? He's getting busy at work. This is when he's hitting, um, you know, hitting his stride at work, right? Yes. Um, absolutely. And so, so all of a sudden it lands here, and y'all are wondering what happened. And that becomes an easy thing to point a finger at. So let me ask you, does that ring true? A year ago, two years ago, three years ago, that you started getting bored, exhausted? I'm you're a mother with three. I don't know what's going on in your life, but all these things happened, and then the weight gain was alongside all this. Tell me about that. We had a a child, okay? That so that when this all transpired, it's been we we had a one and a half year old, okay? And we were learning the challenges of that as well. So all of that rings true. Okay. And so there was, how was life before you got pregnant? Incredible. Tell me about it. We had the same goals, we had the same desires, our romantic life was amazing. We we were we were selfish. We're we kids, we didn't have the major responsibility of a child, okay? It was wonderful, like 10 out of 10.
So what has what has changed that you you suddenly that you think enjoying each other, having a good time, creating a life that you actually want to be living and making that happen? Why do you classify that as selfish? And why does that suddenly off the table now that you have a kid? It has it started off as it being off the table, but now after a lot of communication and just talking about this topic, we are getting back to that. Okay. And this was this call was an effort to just get me over this hump. Okay. And what's the hump that you're stuck? So I'm hearing you say, I love this dude. I appreciate him having the courage to say this out loud, and you recognize it rang true. Absolutely. Both both in the physical stuff and like there's an actual number on a scale, but bigger than that, like our life has changed dramatically, and it's not as fun, it's not as exciting, it's not as whatever, right? Erotic. We have this one and a half year old that just ruins everything, right? Um, and all that's true. Is that sound? Is that fair? Yes, absolutely. Okay. So take me a year and a half later. Why does this still sting so much? Because I went from the most confident person to feeling insecure about myself, and I want to know how to regain that and to stop this endless cycle of going back to this argument and just move forward. Oh, so your body just put a pin in this conversation, and whenever something good is going on or when you kind of mess something up, it just goes back to this one conversation over and over. Yeah. Yeah. I can't stop. Would I be, you can you can, but it's protecting you from something. Would I be wrong to say that, um, I think your confidence was going sideways before this conversation? I think this concreted what you were starting to believe about yourself. Is that fair? Very fair. Where does that come from? You nervous about being a mom? Yes. How come? M I just, it's an area I always before I do something, I know the ins and outs. Before I proceed with something, I'm good at what, not this one. Dude, and this one just, H, I thought I knew what I was doing. My 8-year-old daughter the other night, uh, we were just sitting in a room, me and my wife, and she goes, guys, I was thinking today, what if we're all already dead? And I was like, uh, what? And she's like, what if we're already all dead and we're like in the afterlife? And I was like, you're eight. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. There is no, you like, dude, there's no script. You're like, it's, uh, it's unnerving.
So here's what I'm wondering, and I'm just, I'm just spitting in the wind here. I'm wondering if for him, he lost this fun-loving, like connection with his wife, this woman they used to, y'all used to just hook up whenever you wanted to, y'all had extra money, money to go out to eat, y'all could do whatever you wanted. And as y'all started trying to have kids and you got pregnant, there's a tension that be to mount and mount and mount and mount in your own heart. And here he is a year and a half later, right? Of course, when you're pregnant, well, I say of course, some people's pregnancy gets off the rails sexually, but often things slow down. And then you have a kid, and then it slows way down. And he has lost, disconnected from you. And it's a, it's a, it's right during this season because you have a human connected to you 24, connected to you 24/7, 365. And so the pen he's able to put in it is weight gain, but that number in my head right now, listening to you, represents he misses his wife. Right? Yes. And this psychological loop, this lack of confidence, you keep going back to this conversation, you keep going back to this conversation when really it's a bigger picture. If you've lost this imaginary control you thought you had over the world, yes, how long have you needed to be in control of everything? Um, the last 10 years, probably. How come? I just like to be in charge of everything. I like things to go my way, I guess. I like to know, be, be because I deal with anxiety. If I plan for the worst and hope for the best, then I won't be surprised, I won't be let down, I won't be right. But right now, you're planning for the worst every single day, and it's destroying your marriage. Yeah, you're living into the worst every single day. And I say this because I love you, that's a terrible strategy for life. There's a, there's a famous psychologist, Amos Tversky, that says pessimism, always waiting for the worst thing to happen, is is insane because if it actually comes true, if the worst thing does happen, you experience it twice, once when you're worrying about it, and once when it actually happens. Yes. You might as well just experience it once. And I'll ask you, is it protecting you from anything? Nothing. Just myself. And it not even that, really. That's most people find that when they turn off the, um, the pain part, the fear part, it also shuts off the joy part. And you find yourself hugging your kid, but you feel like there's a pillow between the two of you. Yes. And you find yourself having exhausted sex with your husband, and it feels like you're like, it's as exciting as doing the dishes, but it's a checklist thing. Yes. And I feel like when something, one thing is out in my life, then it just is a spiral. I can't be good at anything else. Okay. In those are in the other areas, in in my work, it affects my work, my life, my friendship, everything. That has to be so exhausting. It is. I'm tired of it. Yeah. Can we be done with it? I would like to. I want some active steps on how to to change this because I know it can be changed. Did you grow up in the home of someone that struggled with addiction or anger? Major addiction? Who drugs? No. Who was it? My dad. Okay. Were you safe growing up? Yes, I was. You see how this is recreating itself? Yes. Okay. So active step number one, you had to control every variable growing up. That's how you kept your head on straight, and you kept making the next right step because you had to, because Dad wasn't there to do it. Fair. I didn't realize that until now. Yes, that's very accurate. And you, if you've listened to this show more than once, you've heard me say the things that kept us safe as a kid will destroy our adult relationships. And so your need for control as a child was right. It was, it was good, kept you safe. And your need to hang on to every negative thing as an adult is sending your husband a clear message, I'm probably not going to tell you the truth anymore. It's sending you a message that this is all you'll ever be, this is all we're going to be, and this is just the way this is. Yeah. And so you have to decide, I am going to let go of this old identity, and I'm going to have to build something completely new from the ground up. And it's going to not be fun. And I'm telling you, on the other side of it, it will be amazing. And it feels like you're all by yourself, doesn't it? It does. Okay. I, I don't talk to anybody about this. No. And it's killing you. And I say this not because you're not special, we're all special, but I didn't just pick addiction out of the air, okay? That tells me that this is a, it's a common track that people in your situation find themselves, and they loop on one negative thing. And it could be a husband saying, hey, you've gained 40 pounds, I'm not attracted to you anymore, which actually is usually a contextualized statement, right? I miss us. I miss you. Um, and, um, it could have been a job performance. I bet you've gotten a negative evaluation once in your career, and you can't forget that either. Fair. Fair. You have to decide, I want to put that stuff down. Yeah. And that means you're gonna have to risk getting hurt again. Is your husband a good guy? Amazing. I don't deserve him. Oh, yes, you do. Don't say that. Why? Why do you say that? He's just, he's always lifting me up and making me, pushing me to be better. Getting pushed kind of sucks sometimes though, even when it's in a good direction, doesn't it? It does. Okay. So I want you to have the courage to tell him, I don't need you to push me anymore. I know here's what loving me today looks like. And you haven't told him what you needed in a long time, have you? I, I've been actively trying to do so. What's what does that mean? I, I've been making a special point weekly to be like, this is how I'm feeling, and this is, this is what I'm needing for you to show me. Can I say something that's going to be controversial, but I, I think I'm right? I would, I would not spend a ton of energy trusting your feelings right now, okay? Your feelings tell you that he doesn't love you, or that love isn't supposed to be like this, or that motherhood was supposed to be different, and I don't feel like exercising, and I feel like just doing this. Does that sound right? Very. Okay. Right now, your feelings aren't giving you the best direction. That's why I want you to take some time to sit down and say, okay, I am a woman who is loved. And I want you to sit in that for a second, okay? Okay. Are you a good mom? I am. Okay. I want you to sit in that. I want you to write that down. I'm a good mom. Is your baby healthy? Very. Baby's healthy. So we got the big rocks out of the way. And then I want you to ask yourself, how do I want it to feel coming home inside my own house every day? I want that guy to turn and see me walk in the door, and his eyes light up. And some of that might be about physical fitness, but I promise you, it's a lot more about the confidence and the aura that you walk into your own house with. Okay? The sense of, yeah, that's right, I'm home now. Game on. And yes, we got to feed a baby and get a baby to bed and bathe a baby and change diapers, all that stuff. That's just that season, right? And there's tiring nights and exhausting days. But you saying, here's how I feel today, that's that's a tough map to navigate. Y'all deciding, here's what I need this week. Here's the best way you can love me. Two nights a week, or three nights. Here's what it looked like last night in my house. Can you do school drop off three mornings this week? I looked at my calendar and I went, but yes, I can do that. When that wasn't like, I feel like this week. Now we're not going to do like, can you do this this week? Yes. This is what I need done. Can you do pickup twice? Yes, I can do that. And I'm out two times this week with two different events at night. Cool. We're both going to feel tired, we're both going to feel exhausted, we're both going to feel all kinds of things, but here's what we need. See the difference? Yes. And feelings have been running your life, and they're just jerking you around. Yes. For sure.
What does, um, nutrition and working out look like for you? Exercise, taking care of yourself. I've, I have drastically changed my eating habits, healthier foods, um, and then also joining workout classes. Is that helping? We're not seeing the results that I'm hoping for, but I'm also not doing it every single day. So often when somebody says the word drastic, I know it's going to crash because I've struggled, I've struggled with that my whole life. I want to correct it. All right, the second, and drastic over the course of, I, I think I've progressively made better choices each year, okay? Just because I'm pursuing a healthier diet, but it was a drastic change from how I grew up. Ah, okay. There you go. Okay. So I'm going to do two things. I'm going to hook you up with my friend Dr. Lan Norton's app, the Carbon app, which is the best, um, nutrition tracker there is for macros. It's the one I use in my house, it's one Andrew Huberman uses, the one a bunch of us use. It's just the best there is, and it's, you scan a barcode with a camera, and it just puts the food in there for you, and it helps you keep track. I have no affiliation for it. Um, I don't get paid at all. It's just the best there is. Okay. And I like giving away my friends' stuff. I'm also going to send you, um, my friends over at Mind Pump, a workout for them, okay? It's the best there is. Sometimes you go into some of these gyms and you do a class, and the guy or the person leading the class is yelling at you and screaming at you. And it may be that what you need today is a 30-minute walk. Yeah. Okay. And if you go in the gym, you feel sore every day, you're not going to want to get up the next day. And then someone's going to be like, you're weak, suck it up. And then you have a kid that's screaming all night, and then you feel like a failure, and then your husband goes, why doesn't she love me? And now the whole loop starts over again. Yes. Absolutely. That, I mean, is that ringing true? Everything? Okay. So we're going to go slow, and we're going to go gentle, and you're going to be honest, not about feelings. Feelings are important, they're cool, you put those in your journal, but when you sit down with your husband, you say, here's what I need this week. I need three nights this week where I'm going to go for a one-hour walk by myself, and I just made that number up. It might be a 10-minute walk, and I need you to do bath time. Well, the baby screams during bath time. Cool. Y'all figure it out. Okay. Perfect. And twice a week, I need you to get up because I got to sleep, or maybe you're like, no, I'll get up and do feeding times. I actually like that time, even though it makes me miserable and I'm tired. What, how have you all navigated? I need you to be honest about what you need, what you want this house to feel like, okay? Okay. Is that fair? Yes. And then I want y'all to be very, like, direct about becoming friends again, becoming romantic partners again, asking, like, I'm going to send you all the questions for humans I got, okay? For couples, I'm going to send all, I think I got two or three decks of those. I want, I want you just to start enjoying each other again. Intimacy starts, intimacy starts way outside of the bath, the the bedroom. Whoa. Outside the bedroom, um, but only all to begin enjoying being around each other again. Yes. Because if you don't like you, then he thinks he's screwed up, and he doesn't like him, and you aren't going to like each other, and then sex feels just awkward and forced, and there's a screaming. It just, it just, right? Yes. So we're going to start dating again. Here's what y'all are doing. You're building a new marriage. Y'all have never been married and been parents. This is all brand new. It's now you get to rediscover each other. You're going to be into different things, he's going to be into different things. He's going to have to help out, you're going to get some help. Y'all are going to figure these things out together as you move down the track. I'm also going to send you building a non-anxious life. I want you all to work through that book together. Everything. And I know you want some clear steps. I think there's a bigger picture going on here at your house. And so, um, I've given you some tools to talk about, I mean, with nutrition and fitness, so giving you some things you can talk about at home together. But I think all of this starts with y'all going out and getting out of the house, getting a babysitter, whether you want to or not, getting somebody to watch your kids so you can exhale for a second, and then looking at each other and say, I love you. Are you still in? And him go, I love you. I'm still in. Cool. What do we want this house to feel like when you walk in, when I walk in? Let's just reverse engineer that and create that world for ourselves. And it's a pain, and it's tough, and you're going to have to deal. Um, you may want to talk to an Al-Anon group about being an adult now with your own kid, having grown up in the house of an addict. Um, there's a lot of little twists and turns you can take here. But I want you to never forget, y'all are doing this together. And just the simple math, if you exercise and you track, I mean, your weight will take care of itself. But I think there's a much bigger, your husband wants you to like yourself again, because when you like you, then you like y'all, and when you like y'all, then you party. And he has some things he needs to work on, and it's time for you to be honest with him too. You're a good mom, and you are loved.