Transcription
They lie very often, they needle, have strange moods, and yet one often feels pity for them. Yes, everyday life dealing with covertly narcissistic mothers can be really exhausting. Therefore, today I have ten points for you from my "Ten Series." Yes, the challenges or behaviors of covertly narcissistic mothers, and also my ten tips for you, on how you can deal with them confidently and clearly set boundaries. Hi, I'm Marie. Nice that you're here, maybe you're here again. Yes, today's video is from the "My Tens Series," those who are here more often know the series already. If you have your own thoughts on the topic, here's a reminder. Feel free to write in the comments. We can also exchange ideas, of course. Otherwise, feel free to subscribe to my channel. Every Saturday, fresh video, fresh content, different formats, and yes, today a very practical video with ten practical tips. You can also save the video. Maybe there's a moment where you think, oh, I could use a little motivation. Then this might be quite helpful. Yes, let's get started. The topic of lying, right? This is very pronounced in overt narcissistic mothers, covertly narcissistic mothers. One must say, they like to lie, and they often lie a lot. One can really be used to it, even as a child, that one grows up with lies in the environment with them, and that she still lies today. She might lie sometimes in everyday life today, right? That means, um, they often want to shift the blame onto you when they haven't done their own things correctly. Or they want to spread chaos and drama within their own family by saying, yes, no, I wasn't supposed to look after the little one, you misunderstood that, and thus put you in really bad situations. But they also often lie about the past. That sometimes makes it very difficult to see things clearly, to process them, among other things. And I think it's important, and here comes my tip, to first recognize that overt narcissistic mothers lie very often, and that's sometimes not so easy, because you always thought, well, she doesn't lie, she knows everything better, she knows everything right, to listen to yourself more, to say, no, something isn't right here, right? And set your boundaries at a pace that suits you. Yes, for example, what I meant earlier, right, if she wants to create drama and chaos somehow about an appointment. No, I didn't misunderstand that. Um, we apparently misunderstood each other here. Um, or even if you can see that some appointment is really, for example, on WhatsApp, or to show. Look here, they deny it sometimes, nevertheless, you have set your boundaries there when it comes to the past and also to say earlier, no, I remember that completely differently, to also recognize that you can't clarify it sometimes, but to also make your clear stance there, but not to fight about it, not to discuss it in detail. The next topic is pity. Um, especially with covertly narcissistic mothers, I find this to be a very big issue. Um, by the way, covert narcissism is up here and down here. And you also know in my book, the topic of narcissistic mothers, also covert narcissistic mothers, is a big topic. Here again, perhaps a good addition to this, and also the topic of pity, that can be very difficult. Um, I find it particularly difficult when narcissistic mothers, overt narcissistic mothers, who, as I said, do a lot with pity, very often portray themselves as victims. It's very difficult to draw clear boundaries there, because they trigger you with emotional blackmail, being alone, with such strange remarks they make from time to time, and then perhaps saying, man, I'm alone, no one is there anymore. But often, one must honestly say, yes, but it is often a result of their actions that no one is there anymore, because they are so exhausting, because they are so exploitative or malicious or grumpy. And these are things that you should also see. The topic of pity, up here and down here, also a separate video on the topic. My tip, but here's a quick tip for you. Um, the pity tactic is really very, very typical, especially with covert narcissists. Recognize how your covertly narcissistic mother consciously uses it to achieve her goals. Voice and mood, also this, that the voice, that the voice is always a whiny voice or something that triggers you, to recognize that, right? Don't let yourself be drawn into it emotionally. Try to see it more clearly for yourself. The next topic is needle-poking, right? Um, overt narcissistic mothers, um, also especially covert narcissists, also mothers, they love to needle, and a lot. Um, obviously they do it, right, with such strange remarks or also um, so, right, that they say something, but sometimes with such small, hissing side remarks and comments that they let slip. Um, and to recognize that. Um, well, the blouse is a bit tight, her mother is needling again. Um, and she did that constantly. Um, well, didn't listen properly again, as always. Yes, she was constantly poking, and that increasingly annoyed Bear. So, these are small examples, as I said, small side remarks, comments, glances. My tip is, right, you can be used to needling from childhood, even as a teenager. Um, but they do something to you, because they are like poison arrows that still fly in and can hit you to the core, because a covertly narcissistic mother knows you damn well, right? Um, you can sometimes ignore needling. That is a strategy you can certainly use, especially if you don't want to spoil beautiful moments. They like to do that too, right? For example, a stupid remark at your own birthday party or something, you shouldn't let your own birthday be ruined by that. Yes, sometimes it is also important to set clear boundaries with needling, right? With strange remarks, to say very clearly, what is this remark? What exactly did you mean by that? Say it clearly and calmly. Don't get into discussions, and then you will very clearly notice how your mother reacts in the end. Yes, maybe she dismisses it or says something like, what do you want, or something, but look at it, but have a clear stance, and then you will notice, these needle-pokes will also stop if you clearly say, I don't want you to make these remarks anymore. You'll probably have to remind her a few times, but it's important not to allow it, right, to always let yourself be devalued. Um, moods, a big topic on my channel again and again, because I find it so important to set boundaries. One can be very susceptible to it from a covertly narcissistic, from a narcissistic family, and especially when dealing with covert narcissists, because they really try a lot to gain control, control up here and down here, over moods, right? Unfortunately, one can really know this from childhood and then immediately feel responsible for ensuring good moods again, for seeing, oh, did I do something wrong, why is she in such a bad mood now, and so on. This is really a pattern. It starts in childhood, usually continues as a teenager. If things go badly, then you might still have it today, that your perhaps narcissistic mother gets you like that. This can be very, very burdensome. That means, but here too, one can work oneself out of it, let's say, set healthy boundaries. What is my tip? With your covertly narcissistic mother's strange mood, ask clearly what's wrong. Then you'll get an answer, and then focus on yourself again. Yes, because often this answer is more like, no, it's okay. No. And then don't ask further, don't build on it again. No, say, okay, if she says that, she's an adult, we could have clarified it if something was wrong, focus on yourself. But that doesn't make you a heartless person, but it's a healthy way of dealing with each other, and she's an adult. If something were wrong, she could say it. You might notice on the phone that the mood is strange again, that you are only serving as a scapegoat, then set your boundary, maybe don't even answer the phone at first, or just say you don't have time. You can say that too. It's not bad at all. You notice from the beginning that a strange mood prevails and that it's just dragging you down. Set boundaries there. Seemingly helpless. The next point, right? Um, this is sometimes also, I've often told you, this saying: "Be smart, play dumb" is actually made for narcissists. Um, it's often a typical saying, I find, that also applies to covert narcissists. They sometimes pretend to be dumb, so to speak, to achieve advantages with their pseudo, their pseudo-helplessness. But this is really the extreme and malicious area. Um, they don't openly ask for help from their environment, but rather subtly, and that can be particularly nasty, right? Um, I can't book my ticket alone, it's so complicated. Wow, Martin was totally annoyed. It annoyed him so much. He constantly had to do something for his narcissistic mother that she supposedly couldn't do. But when it came to booking theater tickets for her friends, she was the first, and it was no problem at all. He slowly realized that it was always only in certain areas where he stressed her and put pressure on him to help her. You have that very often too. Then you might sometimes get onto the track that it's always only selective in some areas. My tip in this area, overt narcissistic people can do far more than they seem to let on. Um, and test it out calmly and don't jump on silent appeals, as I've called it here, but and you will be surprised and also set your boundaries, and you will be surprised what they can suddenly do if they have to. They often look, and this is also often the case with children, they say: "Hey, yes, my children, they are actually there for that." this look often at the children, they can do that. Narcissists, they would never admit it, are incredibly lazy. Up here and down here again. The next is the victim mentality. It's also very typical and can really become a challenge for you. Um, covert narcissists like to portray themselves strongly as victims. This victim mentality can trigger you again and again. Since childhood, you believe this story that the mother is a victim, a total victim, and it can trigger you again and again. If you question her, you get the mother's victim role, and you immediately feel guilty, because immediately a thousand thoughts come to your mind about what she told you, why she is always a victim in everyday life, her colleagues, her marriage perhaps, or how other people treat her, how life has dealt her a hand, so to speak. So, she finds a thousand reasons, and you can have internalized that completely, right? Always this, Mom didn't have it easy, and that, even though she didn't work and always has cleaning help at home, she really had a very difficult fate in her life, even though, as I said, upon closer inspection, it's not like that, and as I said, they are often, as I've already said, incredibly lazy, and you can have internalized that. My tip in this area, especially perhaps, narcissists love this victim role and often play it out with their own children for a lifetime. Especially then, um, when she is brought out of it again in everyday life, um, perhaps for you it's also an opportunity to question internally, is it really like that? Is she really such a victim, or is it rather an image that she has been living for a long time and that you have also internalized? And, um, that might be important to gain more clarity. The next topic is envy. I've often told you, narcissistic people often believe that the whole world is envious of them all the time. That's not even the case, and in reality, they are always constantly envious of others. They often use this topic, yes, to speak ill of other people, to bring down the mood, and they never tire of accusing other people of it, and it can really annoy you as a child, so as an adult child, daughter, son. It can also be incredibly exhausting in everyday life when she always starts with it, right? That's what happened to Dani too, who speaks via FaceTime with his mother, whom he hasn't really heard from for a long time, and again it's only about others, how they are envious of her. And then she started again, Mrs. Brand didn't greet me. Unbelievable. Yes. Oh, she's probably envious again, you know? I told you that we've booked a long-distance trip now. They can't afford that at all. Yes, and, um, it's really exhausting for Dani, because, um, no one was envious of his mother, but she told him that all the time, and that was actually always the biggest topic, even when they spoke to each other. Yes, that's my tip too, right? Set clear boundaries when a covertly narcissistic mother starts talking again about how others are supposedly envious of her. One must also say that she also speaks ill of other people again and again and brings down the mood. Also have a clear stance. Maybe also say, no, I don't think they are envious. I can't imagine that at all. Mrs. Brand is a very nice person. Maybe there was some other reason why she didn't greet you. Maybe she has some worries too. Yes, so distance yourself more there. The weather vane is the next point. Yes, especially covert narcissists are like a weather vane. Today they talk like this, and tomorrow they talk completely differently again. They also have a tendency, one must say, to radicalism. You know, the simple black-and-white thinking of narcissists. And, um, they can also be really intrusive, and they often act in the background. Um, so, um, they talk within the family often like this, and then somewhere else with siblings or so, completely differently again. And that can be really confusing, and it can drip a lot of poison within the family, especially among siblings, and you have to be really careful there, set clear boundaries. That's why my tip, right, you cut off this practice of hers, that she tells everyone something different, also about others or so. right, the water by communicating directly, right? If you hear something from your mother, then perhaps ask the person directly about whom she might have said something, or exchange ideas with others about what your mother told them about certain topics, and also about you. Um, especially I find this tactic when a narcissistic mother tells you, this stays between us, assume that she tells other people something completely different. And it's important to see that. The next is the distortion of reality. Point 9. Narcissistic people often distort reality, right? They tell stories differently, they add something about themselves or about others. Often they make up entire stories in extreme cases. Um, I've also made a video about this up here and down here about these fantasy stories. And this is something that one can be used to as a child, um, that they have also practiced gaslighting in extreme cases. With yourself perhaps too, that you know that the mother always tells things a little differently, but you still can't quite place it. But if you have had this experience before, then you should heed it. So my tip is to always be critical of the stories she tells, especially those that seem unrealistic and strange to you. Perhaps they are indeed partly made up, especially if she wants to evoke pity or something similar, or wants something from you, or, um, then you should look closely and do a reality check. The next is grumpy behavior, right? Covert narcissists are often moody and grumpy. Um, they often want to spoil other people's good mood with their mood, and especially perhaps narcissists, I find, do this very often, or rather, they try to, because they become grumpy when other people are in a good mood, when they celebrate something nice, when they have prepared something, when they have successes, then they become strange, right? Don't let them, and I find this so important, really spoil your good mood and nice moments. If, for example, a game, and they are not often openly loud, but they become strangely quiet, silent, or start to needle strangely, or with very oppressive topics, among other things, up here and down here again, typical tactics in this area, right? Um, it was Marcella's engagement party, and yes, Marcella's mother sat in the corner and suddenly made a face because it didn't fit again that her decoration wasn't put on the table the way she wanted it. She wasn't supposed to craft anything and then did it anyway, and it looked absolutely terrible and didn't fit the decor that Marcella had planned. Marcella asserted herself and didn't put it on the table the way her mother wanted. And now her mother was grumpy all day at her engagement, but Marcella didn't get drawn into it and didn't let the party be ruined. And that's so important. Sometimes it's really small things, it really has something of childish behavior, that they are offended, they are quickly. Don't let them spoil anything for you. Also look at where you invite them, where perhaps not. My tip, right, recognize the tactic and don't fall for these nasty moods, that they don't spoil it for you and ignore it. You can do that. Or also say clearly, if they needle strangely, we're not talking about that now. Or topics they bring up. This is not a good moment. My dears, um, I hope the video has given you some impulses. I would be incredibly happy. If you liked it, please like it, also send it to someone who it would help. Otherwise, I wish you all a magical week. Don't let anyone stress you, enjoy your time, be in a good mood, do something nice, and I look forward to you being there again next Saturday. Until then. Bye.