Transcription
This one's going to ruffle some feathers. How an aimless life devoid of passion amplifies limerence. Oh boy, I feel it already. I feel this one because I'm like, "Oh, this is a critique of my own life, the life that was." I'm Kirby. I'm a specialist in trauma and attachment theory. I used to be a wreck. Now I'm not. That's it.
I've got a multitude of videos that talk about the things I teach. Check them out. They're awesome. At least the comments seem to think they're awesome. I do one-on-one sessions and I love it greatly. It's one of my number one passions. And my top priority in everything is to protect the next generation of children from attachment trauma. And the way we do this is by helping you get your life in order. You get your attachment system in order. Okay.
So on to the topic today which is the connection between limerence and life dissatisfaction, aimless, lack of passion, lack of meaning, lack of purpose, all those things. This one's pretty simple actually, but it is a hard truth to swallow for many. If I do not have something in my life that I really care about. If I wake up every day and I'm like, "I'm not sure what I'm doing here. I'm not sure where I should spend my time. I don't really have anything that drives me." Well, when you have something that you that drives you or you feel passionate about or that you're you wake up in the morning and you're raring to go to just be like, "I want to go make some incremental progress on this project. I want to go learn. I want to go practice. I want to go train." There's something that drives me. Like something I heard once was like, "What is the thing in your life that makes you want to jump out of bed on a cold, wet, nasty morning when you've got the flu?" Basically, you feel miserable and the day looks like crap, but you're still like, "I want to get up and I want to go." That's our job. And this job is very serious. It's hard. It is super hard and I don't want to be creating sense of hopelessness in people because I know there's a lot of people out there that don't have this. They never have. They don't even know what it feels like. They don't know how to get there if they don't have it. I was like this for long time, decades. And now I'm here much to my surprise.
So if we don't have that then we our mind our emotions and our body kind of fall in this state of like listlessness this ambivalent confusion about what am I supposed to do with my time? Maybe I should just go to the grocery store. Maybe I should clean the carpet. Maybe I should finish watching that Netflix series that I never finished. Right? For a lot of people, what they do in these moments when you don't have the passion that makes you want to jump out of bed is that they fill it with numbing agents. Numbing agents, oftentimes called addictions. I prefer the term numbing agent because I think it's more descriptive. Covers a wider range of behaviors. So then what are they doing? They're doom scrolling. They're shopping on Amazon. They're binge watching Korean dramas. They're like, "I don't know what to do with my time, so I'm just going to go to the gym." A lot of people out there that have they're like super fit because they didn't really have any other idea what to do with their time, so they just say, "I'm just going to go hit the gym all the time." Awesome. Of all the possible numbing agents there are, that's probably top tier. It's probably in the top 2% if not 1% really because it it there's just so many good things about it. Even though it's coming from a place of listless, aimless lack of passion, it can still be it still has like good good benefits on the nervous system.
But then you got the people that are like they start there and they say, "Well, this they turn it into a passion. They say, I'm going to become a trainer. I'm going to become a nutritionist. I'm going to open my own gym. I'm gonna go do a Pilates instruction, teacher, yoga teacher training, whatever, blah blah blah. Right? They make it their passion and then they start figuring out what social media works, you know, all the different ways of shooting videos in the gym so that they like look good and they start doing this. They start creating content and the whole thing starts momentum and then it's a cold, wet, rainy morning and they feel like crap and they say, "I've got to go today. I don't feel good. I'm not motivated. I know, but this is what I do and this is what I want to do and I feel good when I achieve some small step towards my goal of being a gym influencer." Is that a word? Now they found it. They found their passion and they're engaging in it. Started with listlessness. Started with aimless not knowing and they've turned it into something. Hooray. Congratulate yourself. That's quite an accomplishment and it does amazing things for you, your body, your mind, your emotions, and your future relationships. Now, of course, we get the people that are they can't be emotionally present in a relationship because they're so obsessed with their gym influencing. That happens. But you also get people that are just like, "This is something I like. This is something I care about. This is something I do." And they come back and they try to have a healthy relationship.
But when I mentioned the title of the video, I said I said something about limerence. Okay. What's limerence? Limerence is like basically romantic obsession. I call it relationship OCD someone mentioned one time. Maybe there's connection there. Well, there's definitely connection from attachment point of view inside my brain, but I'm like other people might see them as different. And this is why limerence is a fantasy. Limerence is a preoccupation. Limerence functions like a passion. Limerence functions like that thing that makes me want to jump out of bed on a cold, dark, dreary morning when I got the flu. It creates such a strong dopamine anticipatory chemical cocktail that I get to feel amazing when I go engage with my limerent object or I go chase after that person I'm obsessing over or I, you know, call them or stalk them on Instagram or blah blah blah blah blah, right? Whatever. It feels so good. Why? Because you don't have anything else. And that's what I'm getting at here.
I've actually noticed this quite a few times in recent discussions with people both online, offline, in all various forms. I've noticed these people that are like really dealing with some serious limerent obsession over a person or an idea or whatever, and then they see all these videos, they think I can help them with it. I can. And then they call me up and they're just like, "How do I deal with this?" And one of the questions I ask is like, "What's the rest of your life look like?" Like, "Well, I just I'm just not good at making friends and I'm I'm just an introvert and I'm just a blah blah blah blah." And it's just a list of justifications and excuses. Now, I get it. I'm so I used to make excuses like that. So, I get that it's hard to kind of transition away from that. But at the same time, it's still an excuse. It's still a way of justifying staying where I'm at. It's like, oh, you move to a new city, country, state, whatever. You don't really have a solid friendship network. Oh, you're like, oh, I've got this best friend. When was the last time you saw your best friend? It's like, oh, three years ago. All right. That's not fulfilling attachment needs. So, what do you do for a close attachment connection? And like, uh, you know, some people just draw a blank. Some people get a dog. Some people are, you know, they've got some friend somewhere that's kind of like casual or whatever. The point that I'm getting at is that a person comes to me talking about problems with limerence, problems with romantic obsession, problems with not being able to get over their ex, problems with like this I can't eat, I can't sleep, I just had this breakup and I can't stop thinking about them. It's like, okay, what's the rest of your life look like? And they'll go da da da da da. and they'll talk for a while. It's like so basically what you're saying is the rest of your life is extremely empty from attachment point of view. Like you're not getting any attachment needs met. You're not getting any connection, any validation, any richness of like sitting down with someone over a cup of warm beverage and joking about like like you don't have that. So what do you do? Oh, it's like doom scroll or I watch YouTube or whatever. Those are not real. Those are not any aspect of social media or video consumption. It's either numbing the need which the corporations love or it is tricking your mind into thinking you have a social connection.
Somebody recently asked me about parasocial connections. This is what we're talking about. Like texts, letters on a screen in little green bubble is not a human connection. That is pixels behind a sheet of glass that have we have attached certain semantic meaning to. So our brain interprets that and then it ball balloons that out into a big set of meaning which will then trick us into thinking we've got a connection with that person. Would not recommend. Did that for a while. Did that for a long while kind of when social media was first getting going and I first had a smartphone all that kind of stuff. And sometime year two years later, I realized that like my actual social life was completely empty. And all of it was through this like false medium of like texting back and forth and everything else. And people say, "Well, if I feel it, it's real, right?" No, actually feelings can be tricked. Now, what you're feeling, there is some aspect to emotions are real and emotions don't lie. So if you're feeling a sense of connection, you're not actually feeling a connection with that person. You're feeling a connection with the idea of that person. And because that person is not actually here with you in their totality of who they are, then you are in relation with a facsimile. It's called a working model. Like I've created basically a simulation of their personality inside my brain. And now I interact with that person that simulation. And that's why people will be in these long-distance relationships for like years and years and then they finally meet and the relationship like instantly blows up. You know, they just have some mad sex or like, "Oh my god, we're finally together." Da d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d and then you know first sign of conflict that's just like not always but often enough that we can talk about it and everybody knows what mean.
So limerence is functioning like a passion and an addiction at the same time. Well, is there really a difference between a passion and addiction? Yes, but only in the conceptual sense. From a physiological biological sense, maybe not. But we can say just like the gym analogy earlier, like if you engage in this thing with a kind of an obsessive addictive passion and it consistently brings benefit to your life, then why not? Are we going to call it addiction? We're going to call it passion. Who cares? Like you're getting benefit from it consistently. Stick with it. Do that. But limerence is not that. Limerence has this dark downside. Romantic obsession has this downside. All the things that have to do with being hung up, stuck, fixated, whatever, or a person that doesn't want you or is gone or whatever. like that has serious negative cost. So, we're not going to say that's a good thing. So, now that's out of the way, we can say limerence is not a good thing. It's functioning as an addiction. And one of the reasons it's so powerful is because that part of me inside that's hungry for connection is in this giant open cavern of emptiness. Because I'm in a giant cavern of emptiness, one little person walks in with a little candle and my system says, "There it is. That's my salvation. This is where I'm going to put all my energy. This will be the passion in which I will pursue it because there's nothing else in here or what is is very weak."
But now let's take same you similar situation but we're going to fill the cavern with salsa class and the cooking club and the mystery dinner theater that you meet up with those guys once a month and the rowing team and the you know mogi challenge where you're picking up rocks and you're carrying it six meters underwater like you fill your life with these other things that involve people. They involve cognitive challenge, physical challenge, and probably emotional challenge just because you're going to run into people you don't like. Now, we're going to fill the cavern. We don't have to fill it. We just give it like, you know, head level of people, places, things, interactions, stuff, opportunities. you there's a event over here that you there's 30 people that you see every week and another 30 people that are new every week and there's so there's constant cycle through and it's like oh hi who are you what's your story why are you here hey you want to dance salsa like if that's in your life you're filling up your cavern you got a dinner you know cooking class over here where you're learning how to cook you know Asian stir fry you know 20 different ways that class has other people in it as a teacher as you know spilling the bottle of oil and it flows across the counter and people are working together like get it all cleaned up. That's a real social engagement. And believe it or not, that fills this empty cavern or the cavern that was empty is now filling up with people and places and things and everything else. And then that person comes walking in with their candle, your limerent object. And it is not as powerful. It is not as radiant. It is not as overwhelming because you're like, "Oh, I've got other things. I've got other people. I don't need that one for salvation. I do not need that one for safety. I do not need that one to finally get my needs for wanted, chosen, and prioritized filled." And then the limerence is less or non-existent.
Usually if I live in a world where I believe I'm unwanted, I believe I'm unattractive. I believe that no one will like me or choose me as so many people believe. And then one person shows up. That's the thing about limerent objects. They almost never choose you. They're just the fantasy of being chosen by them. But if I'm living in this world where I feel like I'm not going to get anybody that I want or the kind of people that I like don't like me back or whatever, then you pick this person. Maybe, you know, maybe they're just some fantasy on TV and then your system starts to obsess about them. What is it actually doing? It's not about them. It's literally it's not about them at all. It's about while I'm in the limerent fantasy, I get to dream. I get to fantasize. I get to play out these little scenarios in my mind about what it would feel like to be chosen completely by someone who's that valuable. And that creates really really strong endogenous chemical states. Meaning big powerful chemical cocktail squirts out of various things, organs inside my brain and other bits. Squirts out all these chemicals and those chemicals come along and hit various parts of the brain and they lock into the neuro receptors and they stimulate them all with like happy, pleasure, joy, feelings. And the person's like, "Oh my god, this feels so amazing. I did all that because your cavern is empty.
Now, it's still possible to have friends and family and connections and everything else and still have problems with limerent obsession. I've definitely met people that fit into this category. But if you look at if you do an investigation and you scrutinize the quality of the various relationships in their life, you realize that they're all empty. They're flat, shallow, maybe that's the better word. They are low-risk, low investment relationships. Yeah, I see Bobby every week. I go to the climbing gym. Yeah, he's like one of my best friends. Do you know Bobby's last name? Yeah, sure. It's like Jordan Freud. Yeah. You don't know Bobby's last name? Do you know the name of Bobby's wife? Um, do you know can you name one thing that Bobby is afraid of? No. Why would I know that? Yeah, that's a that's an empty relationship. That's something that's a that's an acquaintance. That's someone you do things with, which is cool, but don't go believing that that's any kind of deep relationship. Quantity of frequency of seeing someone has no impact on the depth of that relationship. You see your co-workers every day for like 10 years and you don't know jack about them. That's how I lived for a long time.
So I'm giving all these examples when I pretty much already made my point. And the point is this that like if you are operating a life that is devoid of passion, devoid of purpose, meaning something that you're pursuing that is filling your life with a drive and a passion and then in the process connecting with lots of people along the way. Then you're more prone to romantic obsession, limerent fantasies, and breakup distress. Okay, great Kirby. Well, that sucks because I don't have any meaning or purpose in my life and I don't know what to do about it. How does one find meaning and purpose? Good question. I asked the same thing for years and years and years. And this simple answer that one teacher told me was like, well then that is your meaning of purpose. your meaning and purpose. The thing that you want to jump out of bed on the cold, wet, dreary morning is to go find your meaning and purpose. Go find something you care about and don't let it be anything that's a numbing agent.
Okay. Well, people hear that and say like, "Well, okay. So, how do I do that? I'm just supposed to wander around the world until I find something." Turns out that's pretty close. But my more specific advice on that is that it's like here's your job and you do it like your life depends on it because it turns out it does. And your job is every single week you need to do something new, some new experience, a new event, a new task. And the requirement is it has to involve other people. It is better if there's a shared goal like building a house or serving food or you know a dancing fits like it's like can we get through the dance without stepping on each other's toes. So it has to involve other people that you actually interact with. It's better if there's a shared purpose. It has to be mentally emotionally and physically taxing. Let's do make it easy. We'll do two out of three. So emotionally and physical. emotional, mental, or mental and physical. So, it has to pick two of those three, meaning it has to be hard, challenging, and you get bonus points if going there feels scary because that's going to pay off in good ways, too. That's increasing your capacities for stress across all domains, which is a great great thing that we do. So, that's it. Every week, you plan it ahead of time. Like you hear this video and if you're serious about it, you'll you will go out there and you will get it planned out and you'll have three months. That's 12 events. You're gonna have 12 events in your life that you're just going to be like, "I don't know what the hell this is all about, but this crazy random guy on the internet told me I should do this." And so I'm going to a basket weaving class. And I'm like, "I don't know what I would ever use basket weaving for." Does not matter. You don't have to like it. You don't have to. Doesn't have to fit with any aspect of who you think you are. It just has to be new, different, and involve people and some kind of challenge. So, it's like, oh, picking up trash or yeah, basket weaving, dancing class, you know, going to some class on 15th century like French poetry. You're like, "Why am I here?" It's like you're here because it's different. You're here because there's other people there and they're speaking French and your brain's going to be cooked. Good. That's exactly what you want. Why? Because every experience you do has an opportunity has will have many opportunities involved with it where you find something. You discover something about yourself. You're like, "Wow, that sounds really cool. I had no idea I liked French poetry. I don't even speak French, but I love the way it sounds." And then pretty soon you're interested and pretty soon you're watching YouTube videos and pretty soon you're doing this and this and this and this and then you know before you know it you're like traveling to France on some kind of you know cultural exploration trip and then you meet someone else that's doing the same thing and like oh my god we're totally aligned. Do you want to walk for together for a while? You know year and a half later you're making babies. It can happen.
So we do the new things one to create the opportunity for us to expand into unknown territory. So we learn about things we like, things we don't like. And then it is also on the other side, it is the challenge of pushing myself into the unknown. Because the more unknowns you push yourself into, the less unknown it feels. The less unknown it is. You're like, "Oh, well, I did the French 15th century po French poetry class. Now I'm doing the 13th century Viking sonnet class." And you know what? They're kind of the same. And you're like, "Well, that's kind of wild. It doesn't It's like I've been here, done this, and you only have to go once. I mean, twice if you like it." Uh, actually, twice. If it's challenging and you're really up for it, then you go twice. And if you like it, then you go three times. So, this does not guarantee you will find your passion. I wish it did. But you know what it does? It fills up your time. It fills up your cavern. It connects you with lots of people. Suddenly, you're doing all sorts of crazy and you're just like, "Whoa, what's happening in my life? Why am I here? What's happening? I'm on trips or engaged in activities or weaving baskets or whatever that I never thought I would do." And look at me go. And then you take a moment and you think back on to that person that you were like romantically limerently obsessed over and the obsession is less. And that's very consistent. Not always, but very consistent. You fill your life with other stuff, and the pain and misery you feel for limerent romantic obsession decreases. And eventually, if you're reading between the lines and following along, you realize that all those emotions about that person you were deliberately obsessed over were just filler. It was never real to begin with. In fact, no aspect of it was real. It was just your brain being like, "I'm starving. Give me something and then it picks the judge Judy or whatever, whoever your obsession is. It just picks one and then obsesses over it." So, it's got something to do with its time. Yeah.
Try it out. Leave comments. Tell us how it goes. In fact, if you want accountability, come right here. Post a comment down there. Say, "Day one, week one, I'm doing this." And then respond to that comment. Week two, week three, week four. Tell us what you're doing. We're going to have little contests about who's doing the wackiest as part of this challenge. And I don't know, we'll have a vote or something. And if one of them seriously impresses me, I don't know, we'll do something. We'll celebrate in some way, give you some free stuff or something. But you got to impress me. And I've done some crazy stuff in my life. So, it's going to take a lot to impress me. But I've been impressed before. I've met people that like day one, step one, they go hard. And I'm like, "Oh my god, I wouldn't do I I don't have the courage to do do what you just did." Congrats, man. So, it happens. Do it. Peace.