Transcription
[Music] My girlfriend asked me if she wants if we want to move in together and I'm really struggling with that aspect. She mentioned in that conversation that she wants to move be together living together before engagement for a while.
>> Do you not want to do that?
>> I I I really do. I mean, I love her very much. It's just part of me says, "Wo, like this is real and it's scary and financially and I don't want to put her in a situation because we both own houses before the relationship."
>> So, are you scared are you scared of a value situation? Are you scared of a data situation that says couples who move in together are more likely to break up than couples who get married? Um, or are you nervous about commitment? Or maybe a little bit of all three?
>> Maybe a little bit of all three. Like part says, "Hey, what if this doesn't work?"
>> That's every relationship forever. So, you're going to have to get over that one.
>> Yeah.
>> You're going to have to choose. I'm going to go all in and pray and hope that she goes all in. And you're going to have to choose to put both feet in the boat. And no matter what what path that river throws at you, whether it's rapids, whether it's smooth sailing, whatever it is, um we're going to stay in the boat or you're going to spend your whole life not risking anything and thereby not gaining anything.
Yeah, I I I see what you're saying. I just my whole thing is like I really don't want to put her in a situation financially if we don't work.
>> She's not asking you for that.
>> I know she's not.
>> You're trying to solve a You're Here's here's what I think. You're trying to solve a problem that she's not asking you to solve, but more importantly, you're trying to use her as an excuse to not hold tight to your values.
>> Okay?
>> And so, I would hang on to my values. If if if you have not been dating long enough and you say, "Hey, I'm feeling rushed. I want to slow down." Then you need to have the courage to say, "I want to slow down." If you, like me, don't want to. I didn't want to. I did want to move in. I just want to get over with. I We ended up having two places and all that. It was It was annoying. But I know the data and the data says couples who play house end up with worse outcomes relationally.
>> And like, what do you mean?
>> It looks good on paper to say, "Hey, we're we've been dating a while. We're getting kind of serious. Let's see what it would be like to move in together before we make this big commitment called marriage. Let's see what it would be like. Let's see if we are compatible." And the outcomes on people who live together who aren't anchored into this thing, this thing called marriage, their relationship outcomes, their financial outcomes, their health outcomes are less than those who choose a good and great marriage. That's just the research data.
>> And if you have a faith commitment, if you have a moral conviction that says, "I don't want to move in with somebody. I don't want to like join lives with somebody until we are fully joined. Um, then you need to put that on the table. And if you already start compromising on that this early in a relationship, I'm telling you right now, when y'all have kids, when you want to take a new job and she doesn't want to move, you will start off your relationship long term knowing that I'm going to capitulate things that are really important to me. Hey, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. And that's a recipe for relational resentment. And she doesn't deserve that. You don't deserve that.
>> Yeah. No, she doesn't. Um I I I guess I guess I mean I don't It's hard to say. I I I 100%
>> lose everything that part of it is I don't want to lose everything. I've worked so hard the last couple years to build and fix.
>> Okay. If you're choosing to get married with somebody, you are choosing to take the puzzle that you have built and take it apart so that y'all can build a new puzzle, a new picture together. And if what you've quote unquote built is sacred to you and you're not ready to add somebody to it, she deserves to know that that you're not there yet. Here's the problem with moving in together with someone you're just a boyfriend or girlfriend with. Yes, you can save money on rent. No question about it. And rent's insanely expensive. And if you're with each other five nights a week, it seems to make sense. The problem relationally is there's always an off-ramp on the highway. Always. And it's too easy to get comfortable and always be looking out your side eye at this off-ramp.
>> Okay?
>> When you're married, you got to figure it out. And those that figuring it out makes you stronger, makes your relationship stronger, it makes you more confident, makes y'all more confident. And you have somebody that you are creating something with that is different than two people sharing bills, sharing rent. That's what you do when you're a sophomore in college.
>> Long past that,
>> right? And so it seems sophisticated and dude, I get it. It seems on paper sophisticated and even as I'd go as far to say is wise. It looks wise to practice something. You test drive a car before you buy it, right? I get that.
>> Yep.
>> But long term, relationally, it doesn't work like that because if you have an off-ramp, you can just go sell a car if it's not the car for you. Or cars are designed to last x number of years and then you get a new one. Marriages says like is are designed for till death do us part and our culture has turned them very disposable. Okay.
>> So, I need to
>> Sounds to me like you're not ready yet.
>> And let me let me hear me say this, brother. That's okay. It's okay. Let's back all the way out of this conversation. Let's Let's take a new track. What is something else she has asked you to do that you're not super comfortable with that you've just kind of gone along with? This is an ad for better help. I talk to hurting people for a living. And yes, I can help out folks in tiny chunks of time here on the internets, but often more help is needed. That's why I recommend people go to therapy. And if you're thinking about therapy, try BetterHelp. It's 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient. They've got over 30,000 therapists and they're great at finding just the right one for you. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney for 10% off your first month. What is something else she has asked you to do that you're not super comfortable with that you've just kind of gone along with?
>> Um I don't not nothing really. This is the first big thing that she's asked of me.
>> Let me let me throw some things out there. Holiday plans. Has she said things like, "Well, this is how my family does it, so this is what I want to do." Has she said, "H, I don't really like that. Let's do this." And you're like, "Well, okay."
>> Oh, yeah.
>> Okay.
>> Like with family gettogethers and her she has a very large extended family.
>> Okay. So in the summertime they do a lot of get family getto togethers, family reunions and stuff like that, barbecues. And I've had to essentially say no to family, say no to things I want to go to on my side because she really wants to show to introduce me to her extended family.
>> Okay?
>> And so on. those those A that's normal, B that's not inherently a bad thing,
>> but C underneath all of that,
>> I want you to be honest about do you also have an equal voice at the table. And if you don't, I want you all to address that conversation.
>> Okay? Is that fair?
>> Yes. Yes, that's more than fair.
>> Am I talking crazy? Are you feeling empowered? Are you like Tell me what you're feeling.
>> I I'm honestly I'm feeling scared that if I tell her this that she's going to want to like be done.
>> Okay. I need you to hear me say if there is something that is big, something that is that you have a deep value about and you are scared that by being honest about who you are and what you value and putting it on the table that the other person's going to leave, then I'm telling you, you're dodging a bullet like the Matrix. My wife and I disagree on a ton of stuff. Some stuff makes me sad. And our marriage, the thing we have built together and we are continuing to take apart and build and sometimes it falls over and we have to rebuild it. That thing is more important over time. But when I have a big value thing and I need to put on the table after being together so long, my wife can hold it and vice versa. I can hold it.
>> Yep.
>> And the threat that one of us is going to bail is not on the table. We don't have any offramps anymore. And so it's not that you're going to put something on the table that she doesn't like that she feels that conflicts with her values. That's just relationships. All relationships are that way. Friendships, work relationships, romantic relationships. But in your case, you're afraid if you say something important, she's going to run. She's out. And that will happen for the rest of your time together if you don't confront it now.
>> You haven't established relational safety is the nerd word to say it. Way to say it. You are anxiously attached to this person.
>> Okay.
>> Does that ring true?
>> Yeah.
>> Okay. Yeah, it does.
>> What I'm looking for in a relationship, especially two people who are thinking about getting very serious, about getting engaged, about getting married or plan house, like let's move in together. Can we before we make any huge decisions like this? Can we say things that are important to us? Can we talk about past experiences we've had? Can we talk about heavy things like trauma and talk about great things like I got a promotion even though you didn't? Can we say big heavy things and put them on the table and can the person that we are practicing safety with this person that we are committing ourselves to? Can they hold that with us and be disappointed about their situation and also honor a big value for us? And if your fear is if I put this on the table, whatever it is, she's going to bail that, let me put it this way. I want to be with my family every other Christmas. Maybe that's one of your things. And she says, "No, every Christmas, my family, my huge family gets together. That's what we're going to do." And so you have to ask yourself, am I going to just cash out on my family for the next 25 Christmases, or can we have this hard conversation up front? And if she won't be reasonable about that and say, "You know what? I want to honor him and his family too, that means I'm going to have to give some and he's going to have to give some because we're creating a new thing together." Awesome. And if she won't, she says, "This is what we're going to do." And you go, "Okay, okay. I'm telling you now, that's a recipe for resentment because anytime you speak up, you're going to feel guilty and you're going to be clenched that she might leave you. And if she won't leave you, she might punish you with silence or with withholding or whatever, man. So, here's here's tactically what that looks like. You saying, "Hey, I have a a I've been thinking. I've been doing some journaling. I've been writing this stuff down. I have a couple of big value conversations I want to put on the table. And I'm being honest with you. I'm afraid you're going to hear these values of mine. I'm going to you're going to hear these feelings of mine, and you're going to leave. Can we create a space where I can be honest and you'll commit to staying? And hopefully she says yes. And at that point, it's when we say, "Hey, here's a couple of things I've seen over the last year, the last two years we've been together that I'm worried about cuz I get an equal voice at this table, too. And I don't know that I want I'm ready to move in yet because I'm not ready to for both of us to go all in. I am we're not married so I for sure don't want to share expenses pay off each other's debts start both co-signing on a marriage I mean on a mortgage because if we're just dating it's a tangled crazy town mess untangling that if we do break up at least if you're married and you get divorced there's a there's a there's a business transaction there's legal precedent for how we unwind all this when we're just dating and I'll cover this and you pay for that and can you grab the car payment and I'll get the I'll fix the air conditioner. We're just splitting bills. Man, it is a nightmare to unwind all that. In my guts, it sounds like you're not ready. But more importantly, sounds like you don't have permission or space to put that on the table without fear of her taking off.