Transcription
[Music] I met my partner and we kind of had this whirlwind romance.
>> What did you find that made you say I halt this thing?
>> We got a whole bunch of wedding gifts and part of that was wedding money. I happened to check that account that had thousands of dollars in it and it was all completely gone.
[Music]
What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls. Real people going through real challenges, struggles in their marriage, their mental and emotional health, with their kids, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm going to pull up a seat, you pull up a seat, and we're going to figure out what's your next right move.
For more than two decades, I spent time as a professor, as a dean of students, as a crisis responder, showing up in the wildest moments of people's lives and asking the question, what are we going to do next? If you want to be on the show, go to johndaloney.com/ask. I'd love to have you on.
Let's go to Orlando, Florida, and talk to Sarah. What's up, Sarah?
>> Hey, how are you?
>> Remarkable. How about you?
>> Uh, very nervous to be honest, but excited.
>> It's very cool. Very cool. What's up?
>> Um, I just have a strange question for you to be honest.
>> Let it rip. Every question on this show is strange, so let it go.
>> Um, basically I just wanted some advice. How do I overcome issues from my past to learn how to trust enough to marry the man that everyone already thinks is my husband?
>> I'm going to backtrack what I was say said earlier that everyone asks a weird question. They don't ask that weird of one. Explain this. Unpack this for me.
>> Yeah, it's it's a very strange situation and it's kind of it was an accidental kind of double life that I now live where basically what ended up happening was is um I met my partner and we kind of had this whirlwind romance and he's absolutely wonderful and super sweet and he proposed very quickly. We had a very small wedding, but before we went through the entire legal process of actually legally getting married, I found out some things that really triggered some very bad issues for me and it really changed everything.
>> So, let's change a few things. You didn't have a wedding. You had a big party.
>> Exactly.
>> Okay. So, we had a big party. Everybody showed up to it. They bring gifts. Y'all have like toasters and stuff.
>> Yep. Got it all.
>> Okay. What did you find that made you say I halt this thing?
>> Well, a little bit of context is going to be helpful for this, but basically, yes, we had a big party. We got a whole bunch of wedding gifts and part of that was wedding money and we put it in a joint account and before we finished through the legal process, I happened to check that account that had thousands of dollars in it and it was all completely gone. And he had went and spent all of it on hunting equipment and things that he wanted and never talked to me. And unfortunately that triggered a very bad insecurity. I grew up in a very abusive household where my father was very bad with money. He would beat all of us and kind of used money to manipulate our situation and we had to move a lot and cause a lot of insecurity. So when that happened, that really made things very challenging where I just suddenly didn't trust this person anymore.
>> Okay. So he's not on the phone right now. So I'm going to ask you some questions. They're going to sound harsh. Okay.
>> Sure. Of course.
>> But but not being mean. Same team. Okay.
>> Mhm.
>> So you go through with this big charade, this big party, this you went through basically a fake wedding where did you hire a minister and everything? You go through that whole thing?
>> Yeah, went through the whole thing.
>> You just never got a marriage license.
>> Yeah, exactly. And you then went home, deposited and took the gifts, deposited the money, and then I guess y'all were going to go get a marriage license later. And then a couple of days or whatever later, you realize he'd burn through all that cash.
>> Yeah. Um, backtory makes it a little bit easier. It was during COVID, so it wasn't quite as easy as it usually is to get a marriage license.
>> So So it was it was delayed.
>> Okay. So you you're married in the eyes of the minister and everybody watching just not not legally.
>> Exactly.
>> Okay. So you say that you get triggered like this thing sets off a whole cascade of a very abusive childhood and yet you went ahead and kept living there.
>> Yeah.
>> Do you all have kids?
>> We do. We have one child.
>> So you've you've you've been married this whole time.
>> Yeah, exactly.
>> But at the same time, it's it's kind of this it feels like this double life because we don't share our finances. I know you say that you're supposed to and I want to. I just I don't know how to trust this person. Is that that tells me this wasn't a one-time young knuckleheaded expenditure that he's continually been non not trustworthy. Is that fair?
>> Yes. In different ways. I I will say since that time, he's never done anything. Not that I've really given him the opportunity, but he's never done anything like that financially again, but
>> you don't know cuz you don't even keep up with his money.
>> Yeah.
>> He just Venmo you for groceries and rent, right?
>> Exactly.
>> Yeah. He don't know what he's doing. So So how else has he been untrustworthy?
>> Um, unfortunately I I have caught him like watching porn and stuff like that. And I'd been in a previous relationship with somebody for 10 years and he cheated on me multiple times and that all kind of started with him watching porn and it kind of escalated from there. So it's been other things as well.
>> How long have you all been together?
>> Uh uh six years.
>> Okay.
>> So, what's your question? How can I help you?
>> I don't know what to do to be honest.
>> I I think you exactly know what to do.
>> I think you know what you have to do.
>> And I think that there's still a six-year-old little girl in there asking herself, "Daddy, why are you hitting me?"
>> Yeah. I I just to be honest with you, I want this to work. I I have a kid now.
>> And you also didn't want your dad to be doing that stuff and he did it anyway.
>> Yeah.
>> It's a story that's replayed itself over and over in your life.
>> Yeah. I just to be honest, it still is a problem. Like I every dime that I get, I still hoard money just because it's my security blanket. I I don't know what to do with it. It just sits in a savings account. But I'm scared. I just I'm terrified to be in that situation again. And I don't know.
>> Yeah, you're in it. You You live in it right now.
>> Yeah.
>> You're in it.
>> But I financially I can't I can't leave and I don't know what to do. And I want to make this work. I want to
>> I know I know you keep saying that and I want I want it to work too, but everything you're telling me, behavior is a language. He's not interested in it working or he's his life's just fine.
>> Yeah. I mean, in some ways things have gotten a lot better, but I just don't even know how to rebuild that trust. I don't know, you know, I'm scared to try to, you know, join our finances together and to try to trust him and and legally tie myself to this person.
>> Let me just tell you, let's get past all of that. You're legally tied to him. Anything else is an illusion in your mind unless the common law buy a house together.
>> Um, I have a house. It's not in his name at all.
>> Okay. If if y'all share a kid and y'all been together for 6 years plus and y'all went through a marriage ceremony, I can guarantee you on on the other end of a divorce settlement, he's getting part of that house.
>> That's terrifying. You've you've created an imaginary world that you think all rules are off because you didn't cross this one threshold, which is go get a marriage certificate.
>> Yeah.
>> And in fact, the marriage certificate would have actually made separating one day way easier because because it's people always say like, I don't need the government to get involved. When this doesn't work or if it doesn't work, a divorce, a legal separation has legal road maps for how to do that. You made a human together. You are bound to this guy forever.
>> So, what do I do?
>> I think the first thing you got to do is go sit down with a counselor in your local area and say, "I'm not okay."
>> If I'm being real honest with you, I don't think you're telling me the full story. I don't think you're okay.
>> I'm not.
>> Okay. Are you safe?
>> Yes, I I am safe.
>> But you're way closer to to the edge than you project, aren't you?
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. And everybody else doesn't know.
>> I know. I've been doing this. I've been having this exact conversation for way way way too long. You are teetering over the edge. And you can't go over the edge. You got a little one.
>> Yeah. Exactly.
>> And you can't go over the edge. You want to know really why? Cuz you're worth not going over the edge.
>> Yeah. I I think I tried so hard not to end up like my family and my mother and sure enough somehow I accidentally ended up in the exact same place.
>> Okay. And you can't change anything about any of those decisions up until today. But you get to decide the very next choice you make. And that should be scary. But also hopefully way down in the dark. I hope that lights a tiny little spark. You've got agency.
>> Yeah. I I guess I just I don't know what to do. I I have been trying to save a little bit of money and put it to be able to figure out how to make it on my own, but I just I don't even know if I can. And to be honest, I'm terrified about that kind of stuff.
>> What do you mean?
>> Well, like it's just I don't even know how to move forward. Like I have wedding pictures hanging on my wall celebrating a marriage that didn't really fully happen. I have a kid that I don't even know how I would explain this to later on. And I have a little bit of money saved that I'm so scared of spending that I just live like a miser all the time cuz I'm too afraid to have my childhood all over again.
>> Okay?
>> And I don't want my kid to live like that.
>> A couple of things here. All right. Number one, right now you don't owe anyone any explanation. Your first job is safety. Emotional safety, financial safety, physical safety, sexual safety, that you and your boy are in a safe place. I am not convinced that this guy that you live with is safe.
>> Yeah, me neither.
>> Okay, I won't ask you any more questions because I don't want to be invasive. If I can hear it in your voice that you don't want to talk about it, I won't. Okay. But I don't I I don't You don't There's a cadence to somebody that isn't safe. And I've heard it my whole career and I hear it right now. The first, you don't owe explanations to anybody. If you have a parent or a friend that you can go live with for three months, actually it's your house. He can leave.
>> Easier said than done.
>> I know. I know. If he's physically unsafe, I want you to call the police if you need to. If he's financially unsafe, you have to sit down with a financial planner. Actually, I work at Rampy Solutions. I'll hook you up with a free financial coaching session. Okay.
>> That would be great.
>> Who will just walk through what's the total like how much do you owe, what's your bills, what do you make, what's a plan, and I'll also hook you up with the Every Dollar app that will connect to your bank so you can track your expenses and start. It'll walk you through how to make a budget and how to stick to some of the stuff and give you some financial security back.
>> Okay.
>> That would be wonderful. Thank you.
>> I'm going to give you three months for free with my friends at BetterHelp, but you have to promise me you'll call them today.
>> Okay, I promise.
>> Okay. And you'll start seeing a licensed counselor right away. You're going to need to see somebody in your local area because I think your challenges are pretty big, right?
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> You could say that.
>> Okay, but we're going to start today.
>> Thank you. I just I'll be honest. I don't know. I can't I feel like I can't talk to anybody about it. It's It's weird and it's embarrassing and it's complicated.
>> You have to trust me. And do like I I don't lie on the show, okay? You have to trust me that that when somebody Let me say this in the right way. your fear of telling somebody something. This idea of being found out, you can pull a thread all the way back to a little girl who had to keep the secret of what was going on inside her house.
>> Yeah, I think you're absolutely right. I never thought about it that way.
>> And listen to me. You're right. Freedom comes from telling stories, telling the truth. That's where you'll find freedom. And there will be some ramifications on the other side of telling the truth. Okay.
>> Yeah.
>> You're going to have to own reality.
>> And if people in your family are like, "Wait, what? You're not married?" No. when we during co there was a long wait and in between us getting married like getting the official certificate I found some pretty wild stuff and so I didn't do it I was scared and if the next response isn't oh honey come over it's I can't believe you then they are opting out of your life right now.
>> Yeah, I think I'm going to lose a lot of people that way.
>> Okay, I think You're also imagining that.
>> You could be right. It's just, you got to admit it's a little bizarre.
>> The whole thing's bizarre. But you know what's not bizarre?
>> What?
>> A grown woman whose own father was super abusive, who found herself in one, if not two, adult relationships that weren't safe.
>> Yeah, you're absolutely right about that. I'm not very good at picking guys.
>> No, no, it's I mean, you can make it a character. You can make it like another yet another failure in your backpack if you want to. I'm not going to do that. As the great Terry Real says, we often marry our unfinished business. And there's going to be a little six-year-old girl wondering, "Dad, why are you hitting me? I'll do better next time. and I'm going to do better next time. And when I say go talk to a counselor, it's about finally healing that six-year-old girl and letting her know it was never your fault and working that stuff out through your body and getting some tools on finances, getting some tools on work, and getting some next right steps.
>> If
>> Yeah. I just I'm a stay-at-home mom. I I don't know how to how to do this financially.
>> Okay. Then hang on the line and we're going to start that process. I'll get you some licensed professionals that can walk with you.
>> Okay. Okay.
>> Thank you.
>> If nobody else says this, I'm going to tell you this. It's going to be hard to stay where you're at and it's going to be hard to make some big changes. I want you to choose the hard path that's going to get you where you you want to be in three years. Okay.
>> No, I agree. I think you're right.
>> And you're worth the work. You're worth every minute of the work. Okay.
>> Okay.
>> When you don't believe yourself, think back to those words and believe them. You're worth the work. When we come back, we talk to a man whose dad is struggling to respect his sister's decisions to cut off the family. We'll be right back.
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All right, let's go out to Greenville, South Carolina, and talk to Jim. What's up, Jim?
>> Hey, Dr. John. What's up, brother?
>> Not much. I'm one of the original 18.
>> 17. OG 17. You are the 18th.
>> Very cool.
>> Yeah.
>> What's up?
>> No. So, um, got a question for you. Uh, has a little bit of backstory. My sister, oldest sister, the fourth of eight kids, um about a year ago, decided that she uh wanted nothing to do with my parents and the her, you know, the older four of us kids.
>> How come?
>> Um.
>> What happened?
>> Well, it's kind of confusing for us to be honest, but it comes from she's had a very hard life with health and medical issues. um which got her going down a route of looking for answers about why her life is the way it is. I think I mean this is fundamental attribution error probably but um she came across CP C PTSD and um concluded that she had it and then tried to backfill the you know the the past trauma.
>> Yeah. And what was the past trauma for her?
>> She said it was neglect by my parents. Um because my parents had so many kids. That's what she's told us. And then she asked us, did we experience these things? And all of us said not really. Um and uh that was it for us. um she felt like we weren't supporting her and uh wasn't really in a you know and because we weren't supporting her which just she doesn't want to talk to us anymore.
>> You're on the other team so you're not on my team so you're dead to me.
>> Yeah.
>> All right. So So how can I help?
>> I hate that for y'all.
>> Yeah. So my So she made the adult decision to not talk to
>> How how is she How old is she?
>> Uh 39.
>> Okay. All right. All right. So um yeah, how can I help you right now?
>> So her my dad is still trying to reach out.
>> Okay.
>> And recently call her anonymously block number and all that stuff. um has sent some texts and they're not like it's like a text once maybe twice a month to a full to the family chat chat which she is part of. Uh and it just came to head with this call. We told my we told my parents, look, we're not going to respond to any of these family chats that have her on it. We're going to start our own chat and respond that way without her because she's asked us not to reach out to her. Um, she rightfully thought this was very creepy. She had the, you know, she called the police and the police called my dad. And now I'm trying to figure out how I can help my dad respect that.
>> You can't.
>> And not
>> You can't.
>> Yeah.
>> This is his daughter.
>> I know.
>> It's his daughter.
>> I know. And I, as the daughter of a of a nine and a halfyear-old, I'd go to the ends of the earth for her. And I don't know what I would do if she created a story that made me the chief villain. So much so that she wouldn't talk to me or her siblings.
>> Yeah.
>> I'd like to say on this side of it, I would respect her willing, her decision to cut me off. I could tell you I I wouldn't be able to breathe.
>> Yeah.
>> And I could also tell you I would hope that I would leave a trail that let her know that I love her and she could always come home. And I also know that
>> harassment, it's officially harassment when somebody puts in writing, "Do not contact me," and you contact them. So, I know I'm committing a crime. I I just I can't I can't even put myself in the hell your dad's in.
>> Yeah. I can tell you that kids rarely change their parents' mind. They might influence behavior. Um, the only thing I could tell you to do is be to sit with your dad in person and just say, "Dad, I think it's time for us to be sad for a while cuz I miss my sister and I know you miss your daughter."
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah. I mean, I do. And I mean, it's not been easy on any of us either.
>> I know. There's no way to It sounds like there's no way to make sense of it.
>> No, I mean it literally we just started realizing, hey, she's not responding to any of our texts and then
>> I know. Hold on. But listen what you're doing. I want you to be very careful what you're doing. You're going to start replaying it over and over and you're going to make yourself insane because you're going to start looking for things you might have said, things you might have done. What if I had done this? How about this? And most people try to find a rational solution to an irrational act and one doesn't exist. It's easier to blame yourself. I should have done this. I could have done this. What if dad had done that? Than it is to exhale and say, "Somebody I love and care for made up a story about me and cut us off." Man, just hurts.
>> Yeah. Would it be Well, I'm convinced that the only, like you said, the the way back to relationship, if there can be one, is respecting her and just leaving the trail and saying, you know,
>> I I think the greatest thing you can do for your dad is to say, "Dad, I know how I can't even imagine how hard this is. If you have a daughter, you can speak to it. I know. But if you don't, um, but it's saying, "I don't want to see my father go to jail." And right now, the greatest way you can love your daughter is to give her space. And the only hope is, and this sounds awful to say it this way, is that now that she's cut off what she thinks is the source of her misery, she's going to find out that wherever she goes, she goes with her. And my hope is that she realizes in short order, oh, that wasn't the solution. Healing that was actually part of the answer.
>> That's the hope. Yeah, my my dad is part of a faith community where, you know, we're Christians. Would it be a I thought about just going and reaching out to one of his pastors.
>> Call your dad.
>> Yeah.
>> Or or better yet, go visit him in person.
>> Yeah.
>> And here, can I can I give you some some side wisdom here just off to the side?
>> Sure.
>> It's going to be very hard for you to hear.
>> Yeah.
>> There are often secrets that even siblings don't know.
>> Yeah.
>> And so what I would caution you on is fully creating another story. The truth is you don't know.
>> Yeah.
>> She's the oldest kid. You don't know what happened, what didn't happen, what was actually said, what spirit. You don't know.
>> Yeah.
>> What you do know of is your heartbreak. You know that you're sad. You know that your dad is heartbroken and your dad just got visited by the police saying, "Do not harass this other adult. It's a mess. It's a mess." My hope is your sister finds the peace that she's looking for. Hope she finds it back with you all, but I hope she finds peace. And I hope that your dad is able to exhale through this. And if he has some skeletons in the closet, I hope he's honest and and truth and forthrightful about him. And if he's not, I hope he rallies around you and your other siblings and finds some sort of peace, if you will, knowing that my daughter's out there and she won't have me. She won't talk to me. I just can't imagine that kind of pain. I love my daughter more than life itself. So, I wish you guys peace, man. I wish you guys peace. um these things. Here's my framework. Facts are your friends. We're going to choose reality here. We're going to do the next right thing. And we're going to figure out what's the best way that I can love you through action. And even if that means not calling you. And as a dad, I can tell you that'd be the hardest thing I can imagine doing is knowing my daughter's out there somewhere. And I can't reach out to tell her I love her. That'd be a nightmare. Wish you guys the best, brother. Thanks for calling.
When we come back, we talk to a young father who is at odds with his wife on whether to give his daughter ADHD medication. Be right back.
This show is sponsored by Better Help. All right. This time of year can be tough for all of us. So, I want you to make sure that you check on your friends, check on your loved ones, and reconnect with people that maybe you haven't talked to in a while. I recently called one of my childhood friends just to say, "Hey, I'm thinking about you. How are you doing?" And we ended up having a great conversation that was hard, but we also laughed a little bit, too. And just like it can take a little bit of courage to send that message or grab coffee with somebody that you haven't seen in a while, reaching out for therapy, reaching out to somebody who can sit with you and hold space for heavy, hard conversations, that can feel hard, too. But it's worth it. If you want to try therapy, call my friends at BetterHelp. With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world. They've served over 5 million people globally and they have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of five. It's totally online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, don't wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend, checking in on a family member, or reaching out for a therapist, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp. Help.com/deloney.
All right, let's go to Dallas, Texas, home of the failing Cowboys, and Robert. What's up, Robert?
>> How you doing, sir?
>> I'm doing all right, brother. What's going on with you?
>> Pretty good. We're doing pretty good, but kind of my question is, so my seven-year-old daughter is very much ADHD.
>> What does that mean? What does that mean?
>> Oh, um, she has trouble concentrating in class some days and is pretty much uh at 300 miles an hour uh 26 hours of the day. She is always con constantly going, but during school time she has trouble with sitting st uh she wants to stand all the time then she'll sit and be walking around the classroom and so it does disrupt the classroom uh pretty regularly.
>> Have you had her tested?
>> We have had her tested. Um we tested her at 5 and they were unable to complete the test because they she couldn't concentrate long enough. Okay. Um,
>> she's seven now.
>> So, she's seven now.
>> Okay. Don't do anything until you get her reevaluated.
>> Okay.
>> Okay. Um, and here my first flag is not always, but often ADHD is expressed in young girls through a what I would call a neutral shutting down.
>> Mhm.
>> And she's expressing this in a way that's typical of young boys. That is that is that all that comes with in a bell curve of some sort. So that doesn't mean anything other than there may be something else going on here.
>> Yeah. And she has um she does have a rare food allergy.
>> Okay.
>> That started at at birth.
>> What's the allergy?
>> With? It's called FP pies.
>> Okay.
>> Um have you heard of that one?
>> I have not. What is it?
>> It is food protein induced endoclolitis syndrome.
>> Okay.
>> Hers is actually the protein the protein chains in the food um that she's allergic to. Once it hits the gut, the gut thinks that she has an infection. Okay.
>> And it can turn into septus. And so she has had a lot of I mean her first nine months we had uh almost 80 doctor appointments in the first nine months.
>> Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Okay. Um and it dropped down to about 60 um for the next calendar year basically. So it's been a very long struggle. First 18 months were bottle feed only every two hours.
>> 60 appointments that means you are going once or twice a week.
>> Yeah. For her f um she she was not on the growth chart until she hit six months old. she hit um the grow she hit 1% at uh 6 months old.
>> So do you have like a care network liaison a social worker somebody that's leading the charge on because this this sounds like a complex matrix of things from diet to nutrition to physical health.
>> Um she does yeah she does actually have a specialist and we have gotten lucky at about um 5 years old she has almost cleared all the foods that she was allergic to.
>> Wonderful.
>> Um she's outgrown a lot outgrown all of it. There's still a couple of them that we haven't tried but they are minor foods that aren't really used all the time. So
>> So that's great news.
>> Yeah. and she's now she's 97th percentile in height and weight.
>> Wonderful. Great news, man. That's awesome. Um I I have a a an allergy is too light of I have a a rage inside of me. Let me put it that way.
>> Mhm.
>> I get angry only because part of my job for 20 years was dealing with ADA 504 kids with accommodations,
>> right?
>> Who were somehow challenged in a traditional learning environment and the folks that went through and got kids um the right testing, the right support that sometimes include pharmacological intervention. not against medicine. I've taken uh anxiety medicine save my life. I'm I'm not opposed to it. What I am opposed to is teachers, administrators, or parents looking at a cluster of symptoms, googling it, self- diagnosing, and then chasing down some doctor somewhere, and you'll find one that'll write you a script for it.
>> Right. Yeah. And luckily we've been working with our pediatrician and at 2 years old um we started having the conversation with our pediatrician about it because we're kind of seeing the signs then and she said hold off until she's five and then have her tested at five. But we also found out at five that she has um they called it primitive reflexes hadn't released.
>> Okay.
>> When she was five. And so she did two years of occupational therapy and she finally met all of her goals for that.
>> Excellent. And so I part of me wonders what two more years of occupational therapy would would do.
>> Part of me wonders is her outburst because she's in an unsafe classroom where kids are picking on her because she's a little bit different or the teacher doesn't know how to handle it. Part of me wonders if there's additional allergies that are expressing themselves in different ways as she gets old. Like, you see what I'm saying? So, there's a lot of questions I would have, right?
>> Before I just jump, too. And let me also be compassionate.
>> I have sat with these families. I've sat with kids K K through five and upset with high school kids and upset with university students who because they have behavioral outbursts in classrooms, they're ostracized socially and every day is just a a failure factory.
>> Yeah.
>> And I I I get how frustrating and hard it is to see your kid struggling so much all the time, man. I honor that and so much so. Um, I just want the right professionals to sit down with your kid and and if the this if you're in a public school there in Dallas, then they've got to take care of the testing and
>> Yeah. And our school does a great absolutely great job with it.
>> Awesome. Great. That makes my heart feel so big. Awesome. Um because we're also starting to look at um she's still a little bit young, but as we get past the um like in January, they're going to look at because there's also possible dyslexia, too.
>> Sure, you got it.
>> And so so we're we unfortunately we are I would almost sit there and say we're sometimes too involved, but we stay on top of a lot of stuff.
>> Sure. And and man, it sounds like you've got a lot of hats to wear. Let me challenge you to do this. Find ways, and this is going to be with you and your wife, find ways every single day, to make sure that you put both hands on your daughter's face and find one or two or three things to celebrate about her.
>> Okay.
>> Okay.
>> Yep.
>> Otherwise, she's going to get a meta narrative that she is broken. And it could be that she's amazing. She just doesn't fit in a traditional structure.
>> right. And that's something that we have been battling with. Um cuz she does she is extremely critical of herself and hard hard on herself.
>> And she's probably paring what some of her classmates say about her frustrations the adults in her life experience with her.
>> And here's an example. I sat down with my daughter as a few years ago now and I said, "Hey, I need to have a very serious almost grown-up conversation. Can you do that?" And she stood up big and tall and she's like, "Yes, what is it, Dad?" And I said, "You got mostly my brain." And she said, "What do you mean?" And I and I laid it out because I've got some challenges with OCD. I've got some challenges with ADHD. I've got some challenges with anxiety. I laid it out. And I also said, so we have to pay extra attention to how big our feelings are. We have to pay extra attention to our actions. And this makes us incredibly more than anybody else able to feel other people who are hurting. And so the world needs folks like us to go help. And that lit her up like a Christmas tree. And so you can do a quick chat GBT or a quick Google of entrepreneurs with dyslexia. You can do a quick chat GBT or whatever of people who are out there in the world making a difference who also have childhood and or adult ADHD. And what we want our kids to know is you've got some struggles in this traditional set of train tracks that all kids have to ride on, but also you have some superpowers.
>> Yeah.
>> And u my wife actually started doing that at bedtime to where she'll um pull up someone that has like she would type in like famous people that have ADHD and like one of the persons was Albert Einstein. Yeah. And so they kind of do like a little five minute
>> video or audio thing just talking about Albert Einstein or uh other people. Uh that's something that we just started doing.
>> Very cool. But that has to be coupled with not other people. It has to be coupled with because here's the thing, she's not Albert Einstein.
>> Right.
>> And
>> she's smart but not that.
>> That's right. But what what can happen is if she's failing in traditional academics, even though she's really smart, and she's failing in social engagement because she just sees the world and experiences it either more heavy or more sped up or more slowed down. And then someone says, "Well, look, Albert Einstein has the same thing you have." And she realizes she's not Albert Einstein. it it weirdly contributes to oh I'm not enough.
>> right.
>> And uh luckily academically um she isn't struggling.
>> okay.
>> um where she struggles is because the teacher will tell it one time and she completely understands it and now is bored.
>> Of course.
>> And so that's where we that's where we struggle it's more the social engagement.
>> Well, and that's where a lot of especially at young kids I'm glad you said this. Um sometimes what comes across as ADHD is kids are bored out of their minds and sometimes some extra support, extra challenge. U I know of young kids who get pulled out of a traditional class and they they're taken into an enrichment class for with art or music or creative writing or solving intense math problems, right? Uh but it can be a way to stimulate um a kid who is just bored to death. All that's to say is this. Here's the deal. You sounds like you and your wife are doing an amazing job staying on top of this. I don't want to go down any pharmacological route. I don't want to go get my kid medicine. Not sound like a nerd. I don't want to get my kids medicine until I have met with a clinician who has done the testing and can sit with us and confirm. And then even then I might say are there non medicinal approaches? Are there non-pharmacological approaches to this? Are there some steps we can try and to intervene with before we go here? And then if the physician says, "Hey, given the full context of your kid, if this was my child, and I always ask, I'll ask every doctor I have, what if this was you or your kid, my child, this is what I would do for this period of time, and here's the protocol I would use. And if you don't have peace or trust the doctor, then I'd go get another one." But don't Google it. Don't go down YouTube for diagnostics and interventions. That's where that's where we've all landed is everybody's Never mind. I don't want to go down that rabbit hole. Man, your daughter's so lucky to have you and your wife in her life. Robert, I'm I'm grateful for you. Get that testing done before you make any next decisions. And then partner with a doctor and ask the question, if this was your child, what would the next move be? get the academic testing done, get the ADHD testing done, and it could be any number of things going on. And I want to get a full picture before I start altering my child's chemistry. And if that's what's necessary, I'm all in. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back.
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All right, Kelly. Am I the problem?
>> All right, so this is from Heather in Oyola, Indiana,
>> by the way. Cool camo shirt.
>> Well, it's camo Thursday here at the office. And
>> never heard of that before.
>> Yeah, I have two pieces of camo and I just alternate weeks.
>> I guess you're going as night, Ben.
>> Everyone would know I'm a poser if I did camo Thursday.
>> That's fair.
>> I thought you were shouting out cuz deer season opens on Saturday. I thought you were like being one of the team.
>> Yeah, that's it.
>> And like it's black camo. What world? I don't even know where this is. Like I'm camo at a goth club or what?
>> If you're night woods hunting, duh.
>> Oh, that.
>> I don't know.
>> Yeah. No. Anywh who, Heather from Oyola, Indiana writes, "My husband and I have been together for 15 years. My house being clean is my happy place. We've had multiple discussions about him respecting that and helping keep the house clean. I've given up on him helping around the house. I'm just asking for him not to contribute to the mess at this point. We already have six and four-year-old boys. Yet, I constantly find his shoes next to the shoe place at the door and his clothes next to the hamper in our bedroom and all of his stuff dump dumped all over where he drops it. These are just a few examples. When I bring up how upset it makes me, he says he doesn't even think about it. Is that even possible? After 15 years of me complaining about the same behavior, why does he still do this? Or does he just not care enough about my feelings and he needs to put in the effort? Am I the problem for expecting him to
care about my need for a clean house? >> Yes, it's your problem. I'm just kidding. It's not. Kelly gave me a mean her her camo Kelly look. Um, I I read that last sentence again because I think this is the problem with that email. >> Am I the problem for expecting him to care about my need for a clean house? >> That's the problem. You have identified this in the same breath of oxygen, food, and water. This isn't a need. This is a thing that you really want. And it's there's something underneath this which is this is how I feel with a clean house. This is what a clean house means to me. And it's getting to that conversation to answer the question. Absolutely. This is a pro problem I have. I'll walk through a house. I won't see it. It won't I wouldn't even occur to me that there's stuff laying there on the floor until there's a ton of it and then I see it everywhere and then I freak out and I So yes, he can walk through the house and it could be that he is drives up to to the house and he's like, "Put your phone away and go love your wife. Put your phone away and go love your wife. Go love and be present with the kids. Those boys have been running running her ragged. I'm going to go be with those boys." And he kicks his shoes off real fast and goes to do the thing that he think right. So, I guess what I would say is a he needs to suck it up and be a grown man and clean up after himself. It's ridiculous. And there is a sense of compassion. Y'all are talking past each other right now. And so getting to the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing. He can't say, "I just don't see it." Okay. Well, now I'm telling you, you got to figure out a way to see it. Okay? I've been there. And when you throw around the word need, man, that's that that creates unnecessary burden around this conversation. I want a clean house. It means something to me. And it may be I want it so much that I'm going to do a little extra work. I'm asking you not to not to actively destroy it. That's a fair request. You're not the problem. And he needs to be a grown man that loves his wife, right? So, it's both and in this situation. But I think clearing this here's what I promise you, Kelly. there's more to this story. There's other things he's not attentive to and there's other things that she wishes or she says, "I need you too and I need you too and I need you too that need to be addressed here." Um, that's just the truth of it. But for 15 years, brother needs to get over himself and participate in his household. That's the other side of that.
>> Um, we deal with this at our house because I am >> a drill sergeant camo >> and my husband is more like you. He likes things out and on display. >> Yeah. >> Um and it wasn't until I finally told him because I did that for years. Instead of saying why, it was just I griped about it. Pick up your stuff. Pick up your stuff. Don't do that. Don't do that. And until I finally explained, I feel unsettled and I don't feel like I can relax in my own home when things are a mess. And then he was like, "Oh, I don't." He didn't want to make me feel unsettled and and wanted me to be able to relax in our home because that benefits him if I'm more relaxed. And then he started >> it benefits all of us when >> Yes, it does. Um but he started making changes in the way he did things. And I have certain areas of the house, I know that y'all do too, where I don't complain about his office. As long as the door can shut, I don't complain. >> And I go in there and I break out in hives. Yes. >> But I don't go in there. And but that idea, I had to finally tell him what it made me feel >> and how unsettled it made me feel. And and I knew that some of that came from my mother. Like you didn't leave a dish in the sink at all. And I've relaxed on a lot of that. But he knew that that caused some emotions in me when things weren't put away. And so, you know, we had to come to some compromise. Yeah, instead of just griping about it, letting him know how it made me feel and how he could help me feel more comfortable in our own home, helped a lot.
>> And I'll tell you on the other side of this equation, a note that I used to have in my car all the time, a note that I used to have by my bed was the phrase, don't forget to remember. And what I meant by that is I would get out of my car and I I wouldn't even see the trash or the cups. I just get out of the car and run into the house cuz I'm on to the next thing. And I would see this little note that said, ' Don't forget to remember how good it feels to get into a clean car. And I would stop and I'd literally look around and be like, "Oh man, there's three cups in here and some trash in my bag and whatever." And I would put that by the corner of my bed. Don't forget to remember how good it feels to get into a bed at night with the bed is when the bed is made and your night stand doesn't have 75 books piled up all over it. And so that phrase, don't forget to remember, was the key for me to change being on time. I don't do that here, but at my house. and keeping stuff picked up and I it just helped me walk into a space and be able to see all that stuff. Otherwise, I just get lost in my head in the next fun thing I'm on to and or the next crazy adventure I'm on to and I just miss it. So, there you go. Thank you so so much for being in our being on the show in the show with this show. And Kelly, thanks for hiding your uh the top half from us. Except for just like two floating half arms in there. It's terrifying. Terrifying. I just felt you flip me off in your in your mind. I felt it. It burns, Kelly. It burns. [Music]