Transcription
Yugioh, it stays crunchy even in milk. Welcome, Miss Ishtar. On behalf of the Domino Museum, I'd like to welcome you to America, or Japan, I'm not quite sure where we are. It's pretty vague.
I trust you have made all the necessary arrangements for my exhibition. Don't worry, I have developed an ingenious plan to transport your Egyptian artifacts. You're placing them inside several vehicles disguised as garbage trucks. How did you know? My Millennium Necklace gives me the power to see the future, and also to break the fourth wall. That's pretty neat. What else can you see?
In about five seconds, you will be interrupted by the opening credits. What the hell are you talking about?
[Music] [Applause]
We interrupt this program to bring you an urgent report. It seems that the Domino Museum is holding an extremely boring exhibition on ancient Egypt. Apparently, this qualifies as news. In other plot-related stories, Seto Kaiba is about to receive an important phone call.
Hey, big brother, can I watch Spongebob? Shut up, Mokuba. I'm busy flagging YouTube videos to compensate for the fact that I have an extremely small penis. Oh, I like Patrick. What the hell do you want?
Hello, Kaiba. This is Ishizu Ishtar. Stop whatever you're doing and look at the TV right now. I personally invite Seto Kaiba to come to my museum. What the hell was that? You see, Kaiba, I called you on the phone specifically so that you would hear my invitation on the television. Why didn't you just invite me over the phone? Because I have magical powers. You do realize you're paying for this call, right?
I feel so confused. I can't decide whether I'm the main character or not. Of course, you're the main character. The show is called Yugioh, remember? Yugi Oh. Yugi seems pretty obvious. Yeah, but you're the one who always wins the card games. You're the one who always gets all the fangirls. I get nothing. Let's face it, I'm about as important to the plot as Pakora. Don't say that. Don't even think it.
Welcome, Seto Kaiba. I'm glad you came. I've locked all the exits, and I hope... Tell me what this is about, or I'll be forced to unleash the fury of my anime mullet. Come this way, Kaiba, and all will be revealed. Let me get this straight. It's been 24 episodes, and we're only just now explaining the plot? Does J.J. Abrams write this show or something?
We've uncovered rare artifacts that depict the earliest game played in Egypt. Behold, Kaiba, the origin of Duel Monsters. Oh my god, a giant rock. That's right, Kaiba, a giant rock. I can't believe what I'm seeing. A giant rock. It's a rock, and it's giant. Yes, and that's not all. Come over here, Kaiba, and prepare to witness something incredible. Okay, but it's gonna be tough to beat that giant rock.
What you're about to see will change your life forever. Oh my god, another giant rock. This giant rock depicts the duel between the Pharaoh and his high... What the hell? He looks just like Yugi. But what does this mean? It means your arch-rival, Yugi Moto, is a reincarnation of the Pharaoh, and that history is about to repeat itself. Are you trying to tell me that Yugi and I are destined to play card games with each other for eternity? Yes. Best destiny ever.
Now, I shall use the power of my Millennium Necklace to show you the duel between the Pharaoh and your ancestor. Ah! What's going on? Where am I? Reign of tyranny ends now! We demand that you wear a shirt that covers your manly chest. You're making us all look out of shape. Our Pharaoh can wear whatever he wants. He worked hard to get that physique. Why don't you marry the Pharaoh if you love him so much? Maybe I will. Blue-Eyes White Dragon, destroy all his monsters! That guy looks just like me, and he has a Blue-Eyes just like me, and he's an idiot just like me. I must be looking into the distant past. It's just like Eternal Darkness. Ha ha ha, victory is mine!
Unfortunately, we will never know who won that fateful duel because their name is hidden by ancient Egyptian spoiler tags. Now, do you believe me, Kaiba? Since I'm the most skeptical person on the planet, I'm going to say no. I'll be leaving now. Wait, Kaiba, don't you want to know about the powerful cards I promised you? You never said anything about powerful cards. Well, I meant to.
Behold, Kaiba, the three Egyptian God cards: Obelisk the Tormentor, Slifer the Executive Producer, and Mega Ultra Chicken. Mega Ultra Chicken? That's just dumb. It is. You who is dumb. Pegasus created them to be the most powerful cards in Duel Monsters. If these cards are so great, why didn't Pegasus use them in Season One? Because the writers hadn't thought of them yet. In order to keep them safe, Pegasus entrusted them to me. But then I immediately lost two of them. Way to go. They were stolen from me by the Rare Hunters. Rare Hunters? Who are they? An elite group of card game enthusiasts who spend their time stealing rare and powerful cards. Kind of like what you did in the first episode, only these guys steal from people who can actually fight back. Yeah, whatever.
Kaiba, if you were to hold a tournament, your reputation would attract the greatest duelists in the world. It would be the biggest concentration of nerds ever assembled outside a Star Trek convention. I see. So it's a trap. You want to lure the Rare Hunters to Domino City so that you can get back the Egyptian God cards that you lost like an idiot. Look, can we stop talking like this? I'm getting very dizzy. Fine. Why should I help you? Because if you do, I'll give you this. Can it be Obelisk the Tormentor? You may borrow this card during the tournament, but I shall expect it back. You do realize I'm just gonna keep this, right? I mean, there's no way I'd ever return a card this valuable. Idiot. I hadn't thought of that. Your psychic powers are surprisingly lame.
I see everything. I can even see into your future. In ten years, you will open a Duelist Academy that teaches children how to play card games, and you will look exactly the same as you do now. Well, now I know you're full of crap. It's just not fair. I've been in love with Tea for years, but she never even noticed me until you came along. It's you she loves, not me. What about that? My Valentine chick, she likes you. Yeah, she's not my type. Not your type? Are you blind? Her boobs are bigger than you. You have everything, and I have nothing. That's not true, Yugi. You'll always have card games with this children's trading card. I will totally rule the world! Ha ha ha!
Wait, who's driving the car? Hi, bro. Mokuba, I'm your new chauffeur. We room. Yeah.
[Music] [Applause]
My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. I predict that all the jokes you just heard will soon be appearing in somebody else's abridged series. You know the one.