Transcription
Hey YouTube family. Uh, yeah, just watch this at your own risk. If you're single and you want a framework for your dating, watch this. If you're in a relationship and you want a framework to take it to the next level, watch this. You need to watch all of this. Matter of fact, you need to watch it a few times. I'm telling you right now, this is real, real talk. Enjoy.
I want to read one scripture found in Amos chapter 3, verse 3. And this is what Amos says. He says, "Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?" I want to talk from this subject today. I want to give you a recipe for relationships. A recipe for relationships.
I want to begin our time together, family, by communicating a conviction that I believe needs to be regularly repeated. And that is, besides making a decision to follow the leadership of Jesus, who you choose to be romantically involved with is one of the most consequential decisions you will ever make. I'm going to say this again. Besides making a decision to live your life following the example and adhering to the instructions of Jesus Christ, besides that, the most consequential decision you will make is who you choose to spend the rest of your life with.
I, I, I want to reiterate a word that I chose to use to convey my point. And that word is consequential. Because I am not saying that your relational life is the most important thing in your life. I am saying it affects everything that's important. It's tight already. And watch this, decisions that are this consequential should not be made casually. However, the spirit of this age, what does that mean? That's a term that Paul uses in the Bible to describe social trends, the way people typically do things in a given point at human history. The spirit of this age has seemed to cultivate a culture of casualness.
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Come on, flippitness, nonchalantness when it comes to relational decisions, as if who you choose to give your heart to doesn't affect you. This not only seems to be the case, listen to me, with the way we are managing ourselves when it comes to who we pick, but it also seems to be the case. Oh, everybody breathe. It also seems to be the case in how we are managing others after we pick them. Okay, let me rephrase it. There seems to be, watch this now, because you got to understand, church is not church. Culture is not the only culture that disciples. There's a word the bible uses to describe Christians who have been discipled by culture. The word is carnal. It means that person is a believer. They've been authentically converted, but the majority of their life and the decisions that they make are not influenced by God's creative intent. It's influenced by whatever is the spirit of the age. It's Christian-ish. It's, it's whatever's in vogue, whatever's popular, whatever is gaining steam. Yeah, whoever the new influencer is on relationships, even if they don't have one.
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Whatever, whatever is involved. It means that that's what's influencing their decisions. That's what's influencing their financial decisions. That's what's influencing their professional decisions. That's what's influencing their emotional decisions. That's what's influencing their relational decisions. The bible calls it. It's not that they're not a Christian. It's not that God doesn't love them. Now that they're not going to heaven. It's just, it's carnal. So culture disciples. And there's this, we've been discipled into, here it is again, now casualness when it comes to playing with my heart. Because some of us, watch this, well, I mean, but, but there's this culture of casualness and flippantness and nonchalantness. And you know, I can just, I can do here, I can do there, 'cause I can control my heart. And I'm gonna show you in a minute, you can't. I can control my heart. I'm gonna show you in a minute that God who gave you your heart said, you can't. And your heart will have you feeling something for somebody you shouldn't feel it for. He said, I'm in love with who ain't somebody who's not good for me.
See, come on now. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come on now. And so that heart then, which is your second brain, has you acting illogically. So cognitively, you know that's not good for you. Cognitively, you know that they're not changing. Cognitively, you know that you deserve better. But emotionally, you can't do what you know to be true cognitively because you thought you had control because you were with this one, that one, this one, that one. And then there was that one that got through. And the one that got through has such a hold on you.
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I know you, you got it, you got it under control. But it's now. We have children's church, right? The kids. Because I'm, I, I said I'm talking like a spiritual father today. So you got your kids in children's church, right? We got a great one. We got staff. So you okay. It's always gonna be that one. And if they don't get you emotionally, they gonna get you physically. See, let me, I'm just gonna stay in the camera. I'ma say it one more time because I'm not playing games with the devil today. And I'm not talking around this subject. I'm going straight there. If they don't get you emotionally, they will rock your world so much physically that you have a re, a constant mental replay going on on the inside of you. And they have so taken you to the third heaven physically. Now you know they're not good for you on the first heaven.
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Ain't nothing good but that. But that was so good that you keep going back.
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And now you're ruined because you have comparisons. You should never have. You're wrestling with comparisons God never intended for you to wrestle with. And it complicates your ability now to choose correctly because you're trying to recapture something that you got in a season where the enemy wanted to embellish and over-exaggerate how good it was. 'Cause it's as good as it was, you still left. 'Cause the other part was that bad. But the devil don't remind you of why you left. Y'all let me. He reminds you of why you wanted to stay.
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There's a casualness, flippitness, way more reflective of the way relationships are managed in culture. Christian-ish. So we don't just gamble with our heart with who we pick. We can also be inconsiderate of the hearts of the people we do pick. It's like, "Why you get me just to play with me? Do you want to be in a relationship or not?" It's almost as if loving your neighbor doesn't inform the way we treat our partner. You know, "Love your neighbor" part, go for your partner too. "Love my neighbor." I do. Love them. No, no, no. Agape. What's that? That's 1 Corinthians 13. "Love is patient."
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"Love is kind." "Love keeps no record of wrongs." It's almost as if the expectation is. And we got to talk about this. And this is why now, of course, there are a group of men that are adverse to commitment. But I think it's intellectually lazy to automatically assume that the lack of excitement when it comes to men and marriage has everything to do with commitment issues. I just think that's intel. Is that apply to a certain part of the demographic? Of course. But to say that's the only reason, that's intellectually lazy. Because if I was not married and I see the way marriage is portrayed on TV and hear some of the people talk about their marriages that are married, I don't know if I would want that. Are y'all okay? I want you to think about, think about, think about the images and the examples of marriage. And I know culture's not our example, but that's what's in front of most people. I want you to. Come on now. I want you to think about celebrity couples. I want you to think about, um.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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I was about to say, TV shows, guys.
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It's almost like the couple is like tolerating each other. No, just really think about it. It's like they're kind of tolerating each other. They're not chasing each other no more. They're not, you know what I mean? The man ain't running behind a woman. The woman ain't studying the man. Come on now. There was more intimate when it was wrong than they were when it was right. Baby, come get the mic because they want me to play games. I don't. They want me to grab my ear and squall or something. While the devil is running uncontested in this area of many of our lives, I'm telling you this. And I want y'all to hear me as a pastor who's been serving this church 17 years. I've had the privilege to get from God of walking with people through some of the most heart-wrenching experiences in their life. I can't tell you some of the stuff people have had to walk through. I've seen people in all sorts of pain. But among the top of the list, very rarely have I seen anything break anybody like heartbreak. I'm telling you what I know. I'm telling you. I, I'm telling you. I've known men who have gone through all sorts of physical adversity and you name it and didn't shed a tear. And I've seen a woman betray their trust and they bring them to their knees. I've seen, I've seen women throw their whole lives on the line and serving and building and be loyal and committed and faithful and to be mistreated and abused and abandoned. I've seen very little break people like that. It breaks them. It scars them. And although some of that is unavoidable, what is important for us is to make a decision that we will not contribute to that happening to us any longer, nor will we contribute to that happening to God's people any longer that he chooses to bring me in relationship with. We need another recipe for relationships. Because let's be honest, this culture's recipe ain't giving what you want. Can we be honest now? I say it's not giving what you want. Here's what Solomon says. Solomon says, "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for out of it flows for, for from it flows the springs of life." We, we've got to be intentional about creating a framework for making decisions regarding who we choose to give our heart to. Am I making sense, guys? We've got to be intentional. And then, because we know the way the heart affects everybody else's life, we need to be intentional so that we are not playing with or intentionally damaging somebody else's. A Christian does not play well. A follower, a person who's living like Jesus does not play with another person's heart for the purpose of their entertainment.
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I just, can I, who, who gonna give me a man? I don't know. I'm preaching to the camera. I'm trying to figure out what side to appreciate. So I feel like there are two questions we need to answer, guys. We need, we need to answer, who, who do we pick? Or how do we pick? And then, how does the Bible call for us to treat them once we pick them? Now, I'm going to say this. The average believer does not have a practical framework for choosing. They choose based on their intuition. They choose based on their previous experiences. But there, there's no, there's no framework. Now, here's, here's the danger of just choosing based on intuition. We end up at times making emotional decisions. And I'm not saying our emotions shouldn't be involved. But what I'm saying here, I feel like if many of us are honest, either us or some people we know need to make less emotional decisions and more informed ones. Meaning, they need to be more judicious before they invest emotionally. It means that they haven't taken the time to get to know a person to the degree that you see your heart's worth the risk. It's always a risk. But at least do research before you risk, right? At least say, "Hey, I need to stay emotionally neutral because I'm too old and too busy to keep going through breakups. I got people to raise. I got bills to pay. I got a purpose to accomplish. I got parents to take care of. I got a calling on my life to fulfill. I'm too old to be in the bed and can't focus." Where's my church today? Am I talking to anybody that's honest enough where you're like, "I'm in a season in my life where I'm too busy to be crying over somebody who is not for me in this season of my life. I need to know, is you, or is you ain't my baby?"
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And this has been an area where the devil's had a stronghold on some of you. Because as soon as you get focused, he sends a distraction. You think it's a blessing. As soon as you head it in the right direction, you get a, "What you doing?" text. And you're like, "I heard from you in three years." And the first thing you're gonna text me is, "What you doing?" It is nothing but a distraction to detour you from your destiny. But today, we're declaring, I will be distracted no longer.
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I've been talking about this a lot. I'm gonna have to do a teaching on this. I think we really need to re-evaluate our theology of spiritual warfare. Because we are so, so obsessed with observing and looking for manifestations like exorcisms and strongholds and habits that we are missing, like Solomon says, "Catch now the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vine." Sometimes the warfare, and then the big things. Sometimes the warfare is in these little things that you don't even see. That, that text is warfare. It don't mean the person is the devil. But God ain't telling to text you.
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You think God told him to text you? Jesus. What? He just proved that we can see it with Jesus. When he's attempted to carry out his calling, Peter, who means well, attempts to talk Jesus out of it. And Jesus says, "Get thee behind me, Satan." He saw that even in someone who was well-meaning and well-intended, they were not at that moment under the influence of the spirit of God. They were under the influence of Satan. There's warfare. So, so we need a framework. We need a biblical framework. And here's the thing. Now, the bible does not say a lot specifically about dating because there wasn't any culturally. Most of the relationships were arranged. So what do we have to do? We have to take a comprehensive look at the scripture and see what do, what do we see comprehensively in scripture that we can apply to our cultural context where dating is normal and necessary? Dating, data, dating, data. You use the dating to gather the data, not the dating, P. See, sometimes we skip steps. Is we invest emotionally and then we find out data on the back end? So we need a framework. So can I, can I give, can, can I share with you what I've seen in scripture? Y'all sure? Okay. All right. What a way to end this series. All right, here it is. Here, here's the framework, guys. We're just getting started. Here's the framework. Here, here's the first one. Now, just because everybody meets this criteria doesn't mean they're for you. But it means that if you're, if they don't meet this criteria, they're not safe for you to emotionally invest. So here's the first one: equally yoked. So I noticed the part of the bible, you know, Christian-ish is like, "Let me leave that part out." Now, let me be very clear. When Paul talks about being unequally yoked, he's not talking about romantic relationships. But if it applies to platonic and casual relationships, certainly it applies to romantic ones because romantic was a way more consequential, right? Okay. Now, here is where I think, remember that the enemy, and the enemy is the prince of darkness. So one of his weapons of warfare is ignorance. And ignorance is a result of lack of information or access to the wrong information. And I think when it comes to unequally yoked, where the enemy has a stronghold in many relationships, it's because of a lack of, I mean, because of wrong information. Because let me tell you what equally yoked does not mean. It doesn't mean just because y'all go to the same church, you're equally yoked. Yeah. Let me tell you, it don't mean just because they're a Christian, they're gonna treat you better.
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See, y'all don't wanna. I feel it over here. So this is 'cause some of you are honest enough to know and to admit, "I, I dated people in the church, pastor, and outside the church. And sometimes the one in the church treated me worse than they were more grimy than the people outside the church."
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Because church attender does not mean Christ-like character.
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So them being a person of faith is important, yes. But it is only consequential when they are a person that is living their life under the influence of the presence or the principles of God. If not, they are your churchmate, not your soulmate. Yep. We can go to God's house together, but you can't come to mine. I know you sing in the choir, but you still can't come. And I know you're an usher, but you still can't come. And I know you volunteer in the other area, but I know you preach, but you still can't come. 'Cause I'm not judging you based on your title. I'm looking at your character. Yeah. "How can two walk together except for they agree?" There's got to be value agreement. We can share the same faith. We can both be Christian and not share the same values. There are Christians who don't value God. They're Christians who don't value worship. They don't value generosity. And so there are Christians who don't value progress. There are Christians that are lazy, don't want to work, don't want nothing, never wanting nothing, get mad at you because you want something. And you can get with somebody that's Christian, but if your values are not aligned, you can't walk together. So equally yoked does not always mean, does not mean same place of maturity spiritually. That doesn't always, that doesn't always mean that. But it does mean, are y'all following me here? That the person being a person of faith is where you start, but that's not where you finish. That, that there, because there are some people, listen to me, that are, there are some people that are newer in their faith that are better in relationships than people who are tenured in their faith because they just got better character.
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Y'all all right? Come on now. Y'all know this is true. All of us know people that they was in church their whole life. And me, and see, we laugh about that at church because you ain't got to live with them. Listen, guys, my wife and I, we were like, we've been having conversations around this because our heart and our calling and all this is change. And so I'm, I'm always. And so I'll share some things with you. And when I, when I share things with you guys, I'm sharing things with you because I'm trying to, I know in order for us to change, we need more of the information. We need examples. And, um, you, Jesus is your ultimate example. But Paul told the church of Corinth, "Follow me as I follow Christ." Meaning that sometimes you need an example of somebody's trying to follow Jesus, right? And so when I share things, it's not to you. It's not because I don't have anybody to talk to about these things. It's, I'm trying to model. So I'm trying to pull back the curtain for you and model growth for you. So, so that you can see what, what growth requires. And sometimes growth requires not, not a toxic, but a healthy deconstruction of your theology. It means you gotta go back and revisit, say, "Now, am I understanding this right?" And I literally was doing some deconstruction in my mind. I was talking to my wife about it. I said, "I'm trying to understand if I'm understanding change right because it seemed to me a lot of people actually don't want it." I'm just, I'm just me. I'm just. See, I'm just. Don't judge me now. I'm just saying, "Hey, I've been doing this 17 years." And it seems to me that unless there's crisis, let me go back to the camera. Oh, she said, "Bring it over here." Okay. All right. All right. I like the energy. I like it. It seems to me unless there's crisis, there's not a great appetite for change. Watch this. Even for people that are in relationships with each other. It's like, "Your refusal to change might be breaking their heart, and you don't care." Now, when I say change, I don't, I don't mean become someone that you're not. Because if you got to become someone that you're not to be with someone, that someone's not for you. But when I say change, I mean become a better version of yourself. Become the version of yourself that God intended for you to be. I was like, I said, "I think, I think I'm misunderstanding." I was like, "Babe, I might be misunderstanding my, my theology is really my theology of sanctification." I was like, "Because I don't, I don't see a lot of difference." Can y'all handle this level of transparency? I'm like, "Listen, I've been doing this 17 years." And I'm in the entrepreneurial space with my assignment to the marketplace. And I got a foot in the church world. So I see both worlds. And I'm like, "It's kind of the same thing. We just put spiritual language to it." Over here, they say, "I want to be the best. I want to make more, more money than you." On this side, we say, "God's calling me to something bigger and greater." Competitiveness over here, competitiveness over here. Jealousy over here, jealousy over there. The data says we're not that much more generous. See, that's data. Men lie, women lie, numbers don't lie. We're not that much. So the same Pareto principle, the same 20%. 20%. If it's a secular non-profit, you might have 20% that's carrying 80% of the load. Same thing happens in churches. Even the ones where people run and dance. Because spirit-filled is not spirit-led. And that's what the Holy Ghost showed me. I said, "I don't, I don't. It's like I really don't. I mean, honestly, it's like I don't really see that." I don't see that. Not saying there isn't a difference. But like, when I read the bible, I don't see that big difference. Which would explain culture's lack of interest in our faith because they don't see the need for. Y'all following me here? So I'm like, "Man, do I need to re-examine my theology?" The Holy Spirit said to me, "Dearest, salvation's free. Sanctification costs." Watch this. He said, "When I talk about a man taking up his cross and following me, I'm not talking about conversion. I'm talking, I'm talking about post-conversion." He said, "Yeah, yeah, salvation's free. Sanctification costs. There are things you must be willing to lay down." And say, "Darris, you don't become sanctified, which is more Christ-like." That's all it means. It don't mean we're white. It don't mean you don't watch movies. Let me go. "I'm sanctified." "I don't watch movies." No, you're bored. That doesn't mean you're sanctified.
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It's like you formed a whole theology of spiritual growth based around what you don't do as opposed to a, as opposed to a theology of sanctification that says, "In pursuit of Jesus, there are things I leave behind. I'm not running from anything. I'm running to Jesus." And as I seek Him, there are things that I run out of. There are things that will on me, that come off me. There were places I used to be in, I don't stay in anymore. I'm not just trying to get out of those places. That's moralism. I'm trying to become like Jesus. That's Christianity. So Spirit said to me, "There's no, it costs." I'm like, "So what does it mean?" He says, "I said, 'Those that are led by the Spirit of God will be sons of God.'" Just because a person is spirit-filled doesn't mean they're spirit-led. I say, "They that walk in the Spirit, walk in the Spirit." What does that mean? It's make decisions. Meaning, allow the Spirit of God to influence their decisions. Those are the people that actually experience change. I say, "Okay, got it." So if you're a person that values change and you're with somebody that that doesn't, that's not an equal yoke. All you are doing is setting yourself up a relationship of inequity where they get the benefit of the person you become, but you get stuck with the bill for the person they won't become. But I want somebody in this season who has learned your value to say, "The devil is a liar." Nope. Uh, I've learned. There was a season where I didn't know my value, and I would tolerate that. But now I realize I am chosen, not forsaken. I am who He says I am. So I grow, and then you get the benefit of all my growth.
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You get the, but I'm stuck with the bill for your lack of that yoke. Not equal. Am I making sense? I got four minutes. And I think I'm just gonna be able to get to the singles today. Mary, we have to circle back. Here it is. Here's the second one. Are y'all ready for this one? Authentically attracted. Now, see, some of y'all need to stop. You need to stop acting like you don't like what you like. I said it, and I'm not taking it back.
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I said, authentically attracted. You can't force this. Some of you trying to force this. Girl, that's a good man. But if you don't like him, let me go to this side. I know he's a good man. I want to like him, but I don't.
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I can't. Nobody kissing on me and I'm cringing. Got to speak in tongues.
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I need Christians to stop this. You don't even like that. Now, I'm not saying all of our wants are godly. But I am saying part of your preferences, part of your preferences are part of your personality. It is actually what separates you from other people. It is what makes you you. So you and your friend can look at the same person and they're like, "I gotta have it." And you're like, "You can have it."
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Because that's part of who you are. Is what you're attracted to. And that's why some of you need to reject the cultural notion that you got to be a certain thing to be attractive. I've been doing this 17 years. People like all sorts of people. It's some young men that like them. Y'all not talking to me. Yeah. It's people that like, I'm skinny. And there's people that like them with some meat on their bones.
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You're not trying to be attractive for everybody. You're trying to be attractive for your somebody.
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And some of y'all trying to date people that should be prayer partners.
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That's your assignment. That's not your soulmate.
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You like him six three. He five three.
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I can understand you like them six three. You go to five ten. You're trying to like five three. You don't like that. See, I'm not. See, well, you got to be honest. We're not talking about like just crazy standards or these picky preferences. I'm saying you have to be honest regarding what you're authentically attracted to. I married what I like. Did you hear what I just said? I like it.
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Here's the third one. Authentically attracted. But if all you have is attraction and you don't have this next one, it's not safe. And that is emotionally connected. Is not just, "Can I look at you and say, physically, I like that?" It's also, "Can into me, you see?" I know you like the outside, but can you see past the outside? And can we connect on an emotional level? Because that bond is the only thing that actually will sustain you long term. Let me tell you why attraction is not enough to keep marriage vows. Only those that are emotionally connected can do better or worse. What if worse means they lose some of their fineness? I know we all, we're trying to, we're trying to do the best to keep ourselves together. But we're going to get a little older. Y'all keeping it real over here on this side. I said, we're gonna get a little older. And it's not gonna be like it used to be. But will you want to sit in a rocking chair and still hold my hand? Emotionally connected. A friend. Only friends can keep vows. Only friends are really there for better or worse. Only friends are really there for richer or poor. Only friends are really there in sickness or in health. Are you friends? Y'all know y'all got the kids in children's church. You know it's, you can be attracted enough to somebody to be intimate with them, but not be emotionally connected enough to be, to want to be around them. And that's all I'ma say. Now, here's the last one. We don't take this one. People don't take this one serious. I'm gonna have to stop here, brother. That's it. We just, I'm just gonna have to stop. You know, here it is. Here it is. Here's the last one: economically aligned. See, I'ma tell y'all something. It should not all be about money. So that's not what I'm saying. Because we also, the spirit of this age is also a spirit where we, uh, we're not, we're, we're actually, uh, slow to listen, quick to speak. Instead of slow to speak, quick to hear. It's the reverse. People be coming all on your post and I'm like, "Did you read?" You didn't even read. It's like, or if you read and you came away with it, I don't know if I want to engage in a conversation with you. So I'm not saying money is important. I'm not saying you have to bring the same thing monetarily to the table. When I say economically aligned, I'm talking about values. Are our values economically aligned? Because money is not the most important thing. Money is not even the highest level of value. Highest level values, time, right? If I say I'm gonna give you a million dollars, but you gotta die tomorrow, who want it? Right? For example, give me a million dollars a day, but your kid got to pass away tomorrow, who want it? So relationships are more important than time. If I say, "I give you a million dollars a day, but you got to be sick for the rest of your life," who want it? Nobody. Because health is more important. So money is not the highest form of value, right? So I get that. But it affects a lot of other stuff that's important. And it is, and here, here's data. Men live, women, a lot of numbers don't lie. It is one of the reasons that causes a wedge in so many relationships. Does that make sense? I say, does that make sense? I, I think it's important for you to feel safe enough with someone before you begin to divulge certain information that you just don't want to give to people. But I do think also, so you determine how transparent you are, but you should always be authentic. Does that make sense? Yep. So if money more important to you than family, say that. Say that. The person can make a decision whether or not they want to sign up for that. Does that make sense? Give them the option to choose. But is there, is there, is there economic alignment? What are our values around money? Not do it, not necessarily that we have the same strengths, not necessarily do we bring the same thing to the table, but what are our values around this? Because if not, it's going to be a huge sort of con, source of contention. It doesn't matter how fine they are. If the lights off, you can't see them.
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Y'all, I got to finish this. I can't just leave you like this. I don't know if y'all can take anymore. Y'all all right? So I'm not saying everybody has to bring the same thing to the table. Am I? I'm just saying if there's not alignment with your values around money, it can be problematic and create a wedge in the relationship. So those are some of the conversations you kind of need to have. It's like, you know, if I'm gonna come home and the mortgage or rent due, and you pull up in a new with a new boat, I just, I can't even know how you roll. We, uh, Pastor Mick and I had created this, um, this pie. We used to do a lot of relationship stuff. And so we had created this pie to kind of help married couples see that the romantic part of your marriage is actually the smallest piece of the pie. I know some of y'all, y'all single, you think, "I get married every night." 365 days, 366 on leap year. Ah. I know some young men in their 20s talking like talking like that now. Listen to me. You are more than lovers. You're roommates. You got to live with this person. Come on now. You're sharing bedrooms and bathrooms with that person, right? You're business partners. You're buying property together. You're buying homes together. You're making investments together. If you have kids, you're co-parents. See, all of these slices, it's important. And resources can affect all of them. So you want to make sure you're economically aligned. All right, I gotta wrap up, brother. Play softly. And then here it is. Let's say they meet the framework and we feel safe. Now, after we get them, how do we treat them? Because the bible also informs that. Now, I don't want anybody to live under the pressure of perfection. Nobody's going to be perfect. You're human. So that means your emotions are not perfect. You're human. Did y'all catch that? So you're going to be impatient sometimes. You're human. You're going to say things in a spirit that you don't want to say them. You, so I don't want you to have the, to have this pressure for perfection because your partner shouldn't even expect that because they're not, they're not perfect. Does that make sense? So I want you to feel that pressure. But I do want us to feel a responsibility that we have as citizens in the kingdom to manage people properly. Because I don't care how you feel about them, that is God's daughter, and that is still God's son. How are you handling them?
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Now, I'm gonna tell you something. Some of you about to say what I'm about to say is cultural.
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I don't think it's cultural at all. Some of you about, you're gonna think it's traditional. And you have your right to your opinion. And there's probably a lot I say you don't agree with. That's fine. But this is what I know. If I'm interpreting the bible right, and I've been studying this since I was 15. Yep. Studying this since I was 15. When I would go to away games or home games, I had, I took one from how you take a Bob from the hotel. I did when I was a kid. Forgive me, Jesus. Stole the Bible. That's so weird, Darris. Why are you testifying to that in front of all these people? But I remember this red Gideon's Bible, burgundy Gideon's Bible, I kept in my backpack. And before, while I was getting taped in the locker room at games, I would open up my Bible. I read my Bible. I've been studying this book most of my life. And I see this responsibility. I see there are three institutions that God kind of ordains and outlines in scripture. And he talks about how leadership should be managed in those institutions. There's, there's the family. There's the church. There's a government. And he doesn't prescribe a leadership model for the government. But he, he says there should be leadership for the church. There should be leadership. There are a number of different leadership models. But there should be leadership. And in the home, there should be leadership. So I want y'all to breathe deep because I'm just telling you the way I understand the bible here. Both genders have responsibility. But there seems to be a greater weight of responsibility that God puts on you, brother. That leadership weight. And when most of us as men think leadership, we think authority. When in the home, it should be example. Example. Because when you are the example, you won't have to commit. What's this? You do not have to convince someone who's secure and safe to submit.
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[Applause]
Sometimes the hesitation for submission is an indication that there's some insecurity in your leadership. And some of them don't even know how to articulate that. For some of them, I just gave language to what some people are feeling right now, saying, "I love him with all of my heart. I just don't know if he makes the best decisions for our family." Are y'all hearing me? So this is why I believe, listen to me now. I'm talk, I'm just like, kingdom talk here, guys. Listen to me, brothers. I love you. I spent 12 weeks training some of you. You're going to get pinned September the 18th. You earned it. I'm proud of you. And I want you to listen to me, guys. I think chivalry is Christian. I don't think that's some people, that's culture, that's tradition. I think chivalry is Christian. Because when Paul gives a metaphor in Ephesians 5 regarding husbands and wives, he says, "Not literally, but metaphorically, husband, man, you Christ. Metaphorically, she the church."
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And Christ took care. Come on. He took care of the church. He loved the church. He gave himself for the church. You're not a simp if you're chivalrous. You're Christian.
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It means you understand that's God's daughter, and she needs to be treated as such. I don't want a brother wearing a made man pen that's not chivalrous.
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Because you're not made, not into the image of Jesus.
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Are y'all okay? Y'all still love me? All right. Here it is. So how do we treat them? Number one, service. If we serve one another in a relationship, everybody needs get met. Does that make sense? Submission is the second one. And I need more time to unpack this the way I want to unpack this. But in every institution, somebody's got to land a plane. Even, I mean, even in an airplane, it's two, two pilots in the cockpit, but somebody's got to land it. Now. And so I believe God's given that responsibility. And that's what it is. It's a responsibility. It's a burden. He's giving that to you, brother, to say, "Hey, I want you to make sure that this family is going in the direction that I called it to go." Because it can't go there without leadership.
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Now, watch this. So wherever there is leadership, if a person's leading well, there's also what's called mutual submission. Because a leader recognizes who's gifted where and then submits themself to a person in the area of their gifting. Because God's giving you that gifting for us. So when it comes to these matters, I'ma lean on you because that's what God's gifted you. So if you're good with money and I can't add, I'm gonna submit the budget to you.
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Does that make sense? Yep. My wife paid our bills. Now, I know how to make it. That's about it.
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Y'all catch that?
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So a lot of these, "Who should cook? Who, who gifted?" There's no, "Wife shall cooketh" scripture. Who the better cook? Who can cook? Who got time to cook?
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Does that make sense, guys? Whereas a good leader, there's a recognition of people who have gifts in areas that you don't. And in that area, you give them freedom to utilize those gifts. Are you all ready for the last one? It's sacrificial love. Dr. Darris, what does this mean? I don't mean sacrificing your s, your soul. I don't mean sacrificing your sanity. That's self-destruction. That's not sacrifice. But I mean a love that is willing to abandon preferences because you got a greater purpose.
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A sacrifice, guys, that's the recipe for the kind of relationships that we can actually have. And I want to speak to some people. Y'all, y'all all right? Okay. The, the barbecue is the day of tomorrow. We are well today and tomorrow. It's, I love it. It's the party for me. But today, I felt like the Holy Spirit put in my heart that He wants to do some heart healing. Because some of you have been handled unjustly. See, that's a fact. It don't mean we're not judging the people. We're just saying you weren't handled in a godly way. And you survived because you had no choice. But just because you survived doesn't mean you aren't scarred.
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Some of you are. You can't go through that kind of breakup. You can't go through that kind of divorce. You can't be, you can't be deceived the way that you were deceived and not be impacted.
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You can't. And I know you don't call it this, but what some of you went through was literally traumatic. It took your appetite. Some of you have stripped you of your esteem. You can't even see you the way God sees you.
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But God's gonna heal some of that scar tissue. So I want to fix some of that. Y'all sure? You okay? Can we have a real moment in church? Because there's some of you right now that I need to pray for.
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Listen to me. And to do so, you're gonna have to touch the broken thing one more time. Years ago, when I was a teenager, I was playing basketball with my father. And I, I hit his finger and it broke. And he, old school, he never went to the doctor. So the, it grew back, but it grew back, Michelle. He couldn't extend it. So to this day, his finger's like this. So he went to the doctor. And the doctor said, "I can fix it, but to fix it, I gotta break it." Says he says, "If you'll let me touch it one more time." If you're hurt one more time.
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Watch this now. Remember, the finger wasn't hurting. It wasn't, it wasn't hurting. I'm not saying you're hurting. But does your heart look like my dad's finger? What does it mean? He doesn't have full use of the finger.
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And some of you don't have full use of your heart. And the enemy wants to use relationships to give you heart attacks. Not just so that you're trepidatious about relationships, but so that you don't bring your whole heart to nothing.
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And purpose requires your heart in it.
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My heart is in this. Not just my brain. In these messages, my heart is in it.
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Because purpose requires the heart. And you've been used to this so long, you're functioning with it. And God's like, "I'm the great physician. I can fix it. I just need you to let me touch it one more time." Say, "After I touch it this time, after I touch it this time, I won't have to touch it again." And so in this moment, keep playing, brother. Right now, I just want you to feel. I'm giving you permission to let it out. Because some of you were wounded so greatly, your pride didn't let you grieve properly.
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You said, "I'm not going to give them the pleasure of letting them know how it hurt me."
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You didn't grieve properly. So you've never been able to get to a place where you reap and enjoy because you never let yourself sow in tears. And some of you right now, you're in an amazing relationship. But your heart's still like this. And let me ask you something. If God sent you, who He sent you. Now, don't they deserve your whole heart? I feel the Holy Ghost on that one. I feel your. Got my presence. I said, "Don't the person that you with now, who has an answer to your prayer?"
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Y'all in love with each other right now. And they have no clue you're holding back. I want you to feel. And in the privacy of your heart, I want you to talk to the Father. "It hurt. I'm mad. They wronged me. They lied. They used me. They deceived me. They played me. They exploited me. They fooled me. It hurt. They took my esteem. I felt like nothing. Felt dirty. Felt abandoned."
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"Felt spoiled and ruined."
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"That nobody will want me."
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Come on, give it to the Father.
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Jesus.
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Jesus.
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Jesus. Yes. I'm going to say something to you that I know you probably wish you would have got from them, but you aren't going to get. That is, "I'm sorry." I know you want it from them.
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But you got to be willing to move on without it.
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You can't have your future held up by their acknowledgment of what they did to you. You got to move on without it.
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So Father, I pray now as we have laid our hearts before You.
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Broken because of relational trauma. I pray now that the heart healer that You are will begin to move into every heart that needs it. Father, I pray for for quick miracles. I pray that even today, as they, as they move out throughout the course of the day, they feel the burdens been released, that the bitterness is being released, that the resentment is being released, that self-esteem is being restored and right-sized in Jesus name. You have set us free, and we receive it for Your glory. Amen. Clap your hands, family.
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Hey, I want to thank you for watching. And I want to encourage you to subscribe to this channel so that you don't miss any of our streams and any of our videos. All right, if this message blessed you, do me a favor, share it with somebody else. I'll see you next time.