Transcription
You're so aware of others' feelings.
[Music] What the hell does some [ __ ] like that? There he is, Bob Dole. Wow, look at that! Holy mackerel! Oh, man, what an honor to see you, sir. You're a good day. I got my casual look on here. How do you like it? You look fantastic, Mr. Dolan, and you don't look a day over 85 in person. I got to tell you, you look great. I've traveled all around this country and I met the people of America, and I learned one thing about them.
What is that? I don't like them. They're not great people. Yeah, they're damn fools, most of them.
What about your age? I mean, you're older than everyone. Isn't that true? Age will not be a factor in this election, I'll let you know that right now. Age will not be a factor. Yeah, unless I die, right? Okay.
Of course, this is the great Norm Macdonald from Saturday Night Live, who does Bob Dole. And he's made up. He's fully made up as well. I can't do impressions. Oh, man, I love you. I can do him, and I can do Ed Sullivan. Let me see that. It's Ed Sullivan, uh, teaching a class. All right, go ahead. Okay, this is, this is Ed Sullivan. All right, but he's teaching a grade four class. Uh, okay. Uh, class, today we have a, I can't do the voice. Right, right. Okay, class, today we have a really big quiz. That's good. That is really good.
The famous Jeopardy bit. Yes, Jeopardy. Well, you play Burt Reynolds. That thing was one of the most popular sketches. And you pitched the Jeopardy thing. The reason I really did it is I wanted it to be Burt Reynolds. Now, Lauren Michaels, when it came time to do the sketch, I went down, I saw my wardrobe, and you know, there was a white beard and a bald, the white cap. I went, "No, no, I wanted to do Burt Reynolds from 1972." Right. And, uh, it's funny to me that, but no one ever mentioned it. Nobody. No one ever mentioned that one guy on Celebrity Jeopardy is from 40 years. It didn't even matter. It didn't occur to anyone. Who had Burt Reynolds, though? Which was amazing. Was she pissed because he doesn't have a big sense of humor, does he? No, he was real nice to me, and he told me really funny stories. He told me he was in The Deliverance, you know, which I, yeah, you know. He said, uh, "You know, I used to do my own gags." Gags, I guess, are like, uh, stunts. He was a stunt man. Yeah. And so he said, "You know, they had this gag where I went over a waterfall." So he says, "I'll do the fall." "We don't need a, we don't need a stunt man." Frankenheimer says, "No, no, we need a stunt man." He goes, "Nah, we don't want that." You know, yeah. Frankenheimer says, "Okay, well, we'll just use a dummy. We'll just throw a dummy over." And he goes, "No, no." So Frankenheimer's idea was just to throw a dummy over, and then Burt Reynolds said, "No, absolutely. I'm gonna do it myself." So Burt Reynolds says he does it. He said his, uh, shoulder immediately hit a rock, then his head hit another rock, and then he said, "The next thing I remember is way downstream, all his clothes had been torn off." And I mean, you [ __ ] up, and it was just like in shock, right? The next thing he remembers, he's waking up in a hospital. John Frankenheimer is at his bedside. And, uh, he goes, "Now, I said to John, 'How'd it look, you know, on the, uh, on the dailies?'" And John Frankenheimer said, "It looked like a dummy falling." There you are. The, uh, shining light on Saturday Night Live. The best part of Saturday Night Live is when you do the news, right? So why did they fire you? How did they fire you? How do they tell you they're firing you? Tell me everything. Well, it was like over the holidays. Um, it was, what holiday was that? The Christmas. Oh, okay. Go ahead. All right, just be clear. Over the Christmas holidays. Yeah. I started hearing stuff about, "Hey, it don't look good," and, "Things, they want to make changes." And I didn't know what they were attacking. Who was telling you this? This different people at Saturday Night Live. You know, you had heard rumors that there were going to be changes. "It doesn't look good." And so then, uh, I was hanging out and stuff, and then the guys go, "Hey, man, you gotta call this dude, Don Omar." Is the president of, uh, the network? Donald Myers, the president of NBC, right? And they're telling you you've got to call Don Omar, right? So when you call Don Omar, what did he say? He said he didn't want me to do, uh, Update. Why? Um, because, uh, um, he doesn't think I was funny. He said that to your face? Yeah. "I don't think you're funny." When he did this, he said to me that, "That Update is like dragging down the show." And that really, that, yeah. Gee, I must not know anything. Well, and then what did you do? Did you yell at him? Did you say anything to him, or did you just hang up? No, I just said, uh, "Listen, uh, uh, you know, if I'm unfunny." He said, "You know, I wanted to, you know, I want you to be better." And I go, "I can't. Because if I'm not funny, how can I make myself funny? I'm not a funny guy. Can't be funny." Who will be the news guy now on Saturday Night Live? I think maybe it's Colin. That's what it says in the newspaper. Yeah. And it says you agreed to be replaced. Well, that sure is Alex. That's not true. You love doing the Weekend Update. Sure. And be serious. Yeah. That's the thing I like doing the best. That's the only thing I like doing. I know. I love you doing it. And you're accepting this? I know. You now, with Saturday Night Live, in any other capacity, or if you quit? No, I gotta keep doing sketches. Is that right? And you don't want to do sketches? Sometimes they write in sketches, and this is what they didn't do when I was on Update because I had Update. Yeah. But all of a sudden, you got to be like, uh, you know, you got to be like the scientist that discovered Monkey Boy or something. I know, I know. Yeah. You're the scientist that discovered. You're being a straight romantic Monkey Boy. I'm with you on this. Don Omar is a good man, though. I mean, man, don't kiss the corporate ass that just fired you. Yeah, it just seems like he's stuck by his, uh, his OJ. You know, he's stuck by his friend. There you go. Don Omar. She got stuck by O.J. This is a really good way of saying he's a good guy. Oh, he's a good. You are an amazingly calculated man. Oh, man. You don't meet this guy. Milos Forman. Yeah, he's a big director. So he signed me on Saturday Night Live. So he got the idea I was smart. Everybody.
[Music] So it's me, him, and two guys from Fortu. Right. And so these guys know everything, you know. And, uh, so they're like, "Ah, what about the situation and the Balkans or something?" Yeah. "You're the newsman." And I just kind of play along, like by repeating what they'd said three sentences. And, uh, so anyways, he goes, "I put you in the movie, man. I need a guy to." And he was gonna give me a big purse, right? So I was like, "No, no, no, don't do that." And he's like, "Don't worry about it." I go, "Seriously, Milos, I don't want you to give me a big part." "You what do you want?" I go, "Just, you know, give me a small part. That'd be cool." So he made me a reporter, right? In this, in this People Versus Larry Flynt. Right? Yes. Yeah. I played one of the people, right? So originally, I think it sounds like you were about to be Larry Flynt. Oh my God. Damn Larry Flynt. So we, uh, go to, uh, we do the movie, right? And, uh, and I'm a reporter, you know? So he goes, "You know, you drive up and get out of the car and run in." I go, "Well, I can't drive." "Look at a cab. We'll drive you." So it doesn't make sense like a reporter is in a cab. So we do the scene. It's me and Larry Flynt, you know, and me and Woody Harrelson, yeah. So then anyways, uh, Woody Harrelson is really cool. And [ __ ] actors, man. When they're really good, it's like something different, right? You know, because I'm just, I'm just waiting for the other [ __ ] to stop talking about. I remember you're not even paying attention. No, I'm just hoping to remember my words. So anyways, uh, [ __ ] what's his name, Woody Harrelson asked me if I wanted beer, you know? He goes, "Uh, you want a beer?" I go, "No, that's cool. I don't. I don't drink." You know. He goes, "You don't want a beer?" I go, "No, I don't drink, but thanks, man." And then I go, "Uh, you drink like, uh, I thought you just smoke weed and all that [ __ ]?" And then, uh, all of a sudden, Milos Forman goes, "Cats, what the [ __ ] is going on?" Like we were in the movie. You didn't know? Yeah. And talking like a regular person. There was nothing fake about it. You went to do some college show. Yeah. And you go out there, and they say you're so drunk, you can't get through the show. Yeah. Wow. Is that true? I believe that. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. No. I, I don't drink very much. You don't drink at all? No, hardly ever. So what happens? Well, a lot of times, people like on stage will think that I'm drunk. Like, I often get that, right? People go, "Hey, man, you're wasted. You're like Cheech and Chong." They weren't really high, they just acted like they were high. I think one of them was. Which one? Everybody into college where I went, everybody was drunk. Like they were all drinking beer in a beer tent since noon. What were you talking about that night? I was talking about them being drunk. He said, "Hey, you guys are all drunks." Yeah. Sometimes, like you say to a drunk guy that he's drunk, and he gets mad, belligerent, and there's no, "You're drunk." Yeah. So it's like that. They, they hated me, and then they started throwing stuff out. Yeah. And then I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to not get paid, right? So you stayed on the full hour? Well, I stayed on until they finally came up and said, "No, you can go." But, yeah, it was that painful. Everyone's just screaming at you, right? The entire time. And then, like, the girl from the college would call me over, and I go, "What? What do you want?" She'd go, "Do those jokes like you do on Letterman." Yeah, yeah. I have a college girl telling you what to do because people are just screaming like obscenities. You can't go. Were they throwing things at you? They're throwing things. So you can't do an act. You can't go, like, "Does anyone have an answering machine?" Do you ever do a show where it's successful, or is it always easy? It goes really good. Really. It's kind of funny when, like, they hate you because all you're trying to do is make them laugh. It's funny. Yeah. And this one guy, when he's walking out, he said, "I am going to kill you." And that guy goes, "Hey, you know, I think he's going to tell me like, Sam, he's the security guy." And he goes, "Why don't you try to be funny?" He's like the security guy. Yeah. Well, it's not so easy. In Florida, where I just was, they have people that, if I don't know what the [ __ ] they do, but everybody got money. So a guy picks me up, he's a limo driver, and he's like, he goes, "I [ __ ], I can take you any place, man. Anything you want." I go, "What?" "Yes." On because I got my wife and I got your wife." Like I thought he was talking about like drugs or something. He starts with his wife. He could take you to his wife. He said, "I can get anything I want." And then he goes, "My wife was." He was offering you his wife? But it wasn't. It was all weekend long. I just meet four or five guys, and I go, "Hey, so, uh, this is the wife, and this is the other wife. And how about the eight of us?" Oh, yeah. To say it right out. But you kind of go, "Ah, what are you talking about?" They don't really know what the [ __ ] going on because they don't come right out and say they want to [ __ ] you. Things were going really well in the fantasy. You, Nancy, and Shirley, and suddenly Earl walked in. Yeah. What the [ __ ]? You never told me. And then they're like, "Well, if we brought it up, we thought you'd say no." Of course, I [ __ ] say no. You could live in a hot climate. There's not a whole lot to do. You rely on other people, and it becomes like an orgy state. Nobody told me about a guy coming out of a closet, whacking off with his half-hard [ __ ]. Girl was an afterthought. I'm not a fancy guy. Fred, you know that. Really. I always thought of he was a fan. My thing is like for sexual encounters. I mean, I like to lie on top of a lady. Hey, Norm, are you married or not? Would you clear that up? What? Are you married? Yeah, absolutely. But you don't like people to know that? It's bad for your image? No, I don't want. You know, I've had like a stalker or something. Oh, you have had stalkers? I would be afraid of somebody who would stalk. Yeah. This one guy, right? That's a scary person in New York who's all stalking me. And it was my own fault because I was like, and then I'm on the street, yeah, and I was trying out women. Yeah. What an idiot. You hung out with the guy a little bit? And then what happened? Uh, well, he was just this dude. I was walking down, and I was like, I, I had a cough. I was coughing on the street. And then like five blocks later, he's right beside me with a glass of water. Right. He goes, "Hey, man, I got some water." Was it in a bottle or was it open? Like an overtime. And you drank it? I know. I didn't know what it was. Really. What happened? Well, uh, he was, uh, I was phoning me. I gave my phone number. Why did you give him your phone number? Yeah. So, so anyways, uh, six months pass. I'm in Los Angeles, and I'm walking down the street, and that dude is there. Oh my God. So we're standing there, and then in L.A., like, there's no pedestrian. So you're all alone. Yeah. I mean, there's no protection. Yeah. So I'm just standing with this guy. Did he have water with him? He goes, "Hey, I just want you to know, I'd do anything for you." And then we were standing in front. There's this restaurant in, uh, in L.A. called Norms. Yeah. Restaurants, right? I'm talking to this guy, and he goes, "Look behind you." And I look, and there's this big sign, Norms. Yeah. So I go, "Yeah." He goes, "Norm's, right?" Like he thought there's a message. Yeah, yeah. So I said, "No, I just live here. I'm trying to tell them it's like a coincidence." Actually, I went to the hospital because, uh, I go to the hospital a lot. But, uh, what are you doing there, man? Well, I'm just kind of like, I worry about stuff, right? But what happened was, uh, Dennis Rodman was on the show, you know, that guy? Yeah. Sure. So, would that be funny if he head-butted me, you know? Right. So, uh, he tells me, "I, you know, if I go, don't really head-butt me, you know?" Yeah. "You're like a professional athlete. You're like one of the strongest guys, and I'm like one of the weakest guys. So don't do that." So he says, "No, I won't. You know, I know what I'm doing." "I'll just put my thumbs up and like, when I touch my thumbs, you push back." And then when he does it, he head-butts me like really hard. Wow. And I like blanked. After I didn't see any thumbs. Yeah. He cracked. Did you actually? Did you blank out? Yeah, blanked out for like 10 seconds. Oh, because I don't get that whole headbutt thing, man. That hurts. So I went to the hot, like I had a headache for like two days. Wow. Yeah. Are you like a hypochondriac like me? Like, do you think anything happened? Yeah, right. So I go to the hospital. I thought I was gonna die and stuff. And I go out of my head. And so then, you know, you get to the hospital late at night, it's all like crack addicts. You gotta wait a long time with just a headache. "Excuse me, I got head-butted." "Get in line." They didn't believe me. That was nuts. They thought it was, I think everybody's on drugs. Yeah, right. They thought you were hallucinating. Yeah. I said, "Dennis Rodman head-butted me." Don't you do Ed Sullivan? You don't like a guy with a sticky joke after joke after joke. There are very few that I like, but I love Rodney Dangerfield. He's my favorite. I met Rodney, man, when I was [ __ ]. I made the worst mistake ever, which I was in the [ __ ] hotel. And I loved Rodney, [ __ ]. And I was coming down in the casino. I was coming down the [ __ ] elevator. And Rodney was in the elevator. I'm like, "Oh my God, it's Rodney. I gotta say something to him." So anyways, I'd worked on some stupid [ __ ] thing with this director, yeah, who said he worked with Rodney. Yeah. So I used that as a thing, right? So I go, "Hey, Rodney, I go, we have a common friend." He goes, "Who's that?" I go, "You know Paul Johnson." He goes, "That [ __ ]? Because that fucker's no friend. And there's a full elevator. Because that [ __ ] is no friend of mine. You tell him he can suck my dick." I'm like, "Oh, I'm not his friend. I'm not his friend. I've met him. I was on Saturday Night Live because he came in when I did Update." So we have to do dress first at 8:30, and then at 11:30, the show, you know, right? He goes, "Listen, man, he goes, 'What the [ __ ] man? Why am I doing it at 8:30?' You know, it's a sad thing. I know my [ __ ] joke, folks. I'll just come back at 11:30." I go, "I don't know how it works, right? You got to do it." He goes, "God damn." He goes, "Let me tell you something, kid. This was a device, man. He goes, 'This [ __ ] TV [ __ ] you know, he goes, 'Just waiting around all the [ __ ] time. It's a bunch of so [ __ ], you know. It's [ __ ] because it's the same with [ __ ] movies, you know? You're in the movie, and then you're in the [ __ ] trailer all the time. That's all you're doing is [ __ ] jerking off in the trailer, you know?' He goes, 'It's all [ __ ], kid. He goes, 'Remember this, and remember it forever. Stand up, man. That's all there is.' Stand up." And he meant it. Then there's a [ __ ] like five-minute pause. You look at me right in the eyes. You go, "Stand up, [ __ ]." He forgot. It's all [ __ ]. Farley was out of his mind, even off camera, right? You joined Saturday Night Live. They send you to the Catskills to have some sort of bonding weekend for the new cast. And Farley comes running in, naked, naked into your room. Yes. Farley comes right in. And he had a tomato shoved up his ass. He had, uh, he said, "Would you like to see my impression of a salad?" And he poured a salad dressing all over his head and started shoving baby tomatoes up his ass. Wow. And did you think this guy is the greatest, or did you think, "What the [ __ ] is that?" It was the funniest thing I ever saw. And then he took me and he said, "I have to tell you a secret." You know, and I was so like, I was saying, "Oh my God, the great Farley has to tell me a secret." You know, something about Saturday Night Live that I should know. And that was a big, big resort. And he finally found a room, you know, that was any on purpose. Looking back on it now, he took all this time to finally find a room. And he locked the door, and he brought me in the corner, and he said, "This goes nowhere, okay? You know, this is between you and I." Pat is a woman. You see, I'm interested in that. You know, I laughed so hard that he would do this for a stranger. You know, and that's why I love Farley so much. And he's so much different than all the rest of us. Is that he would go down the street and, uh, and just perform for everybody. And I'm telling you, everybody loved Chris Farley. The young, the old, the, the smart. That's what they say. The stupid. The people that liked him, the people that hated him. Yeah. You know, we had a guy come in and do a bad review on the show about how horrible it was and how horrible Farley was. And, you know, he laughed. Everything Farley said. Jack Warden, when he first came into the, uh, Dirty Work, I was sitting there with the producer and the saga or whatever, right? He came in, and he was like, "Hey, how are you guys doing?" You know, he goes, "Hey, listen, I'm excited to meet this Norm Macdonald kid." And I was sitting there. I was very embarrassed, right? Right. He goes, "I'm very excited to meet this kid. I'm a big fan of his." You know, "When's he gonna so it's really humiliating, you know?" Okay. I had to say who I was, you know. She goes, "When's he gonna come around? When am I going to meet him?" I got you. Yeah. Forget his lines. And it was driving him crazy, you know, right? And the director of these [ __ ] television directors, they go over to him, and they'd go, "Jack, you're doing fine." He goes, "Don't [ __ ] me, dude." Oh, you [ __ ] [ __ ]. And then I'd have to remember everything just in case he remembered the one scene, you know? Yeah. There's pressure on you. Yeah. Imagine you don't remember. I don't remember anything anyway. So I'd have to make sure I remember it. So I remember the scene. Whereas we're watching a hockey game, you know, and, uh, Jack Warden's supposed to go. He's playing an old tough guy, you know. And he goes, "So his first line is, 'No, I'm hockey is not the same as it used to be, you know. It's the helmets, you know. When I was a kid, they were tough, you know.'" So that was his opening line, you know. So he started the scene. He looks at me, he just blank in his eyes. I know he doesn't remember anything, but he's a good enough actor, he thinks he can fake it, you know, right? So he looks at him, he goes, "There's nothing." Then he goes, "Nami Mommy." I know he's looking now. He's trying to pressure. He goes, "I mean, and now it's Hocking on me, hockey." He goes, "It's different nowadays." Nami, uh, it sounds different with the hockey. Yeah. No, I mean, it's different. Difference. The helmet's not me. The helmets, you know. Wow. He's a disaster. I read on the computer that Gilbert said something back at Aflac or something. Well, I don't. You know, Gilbert is not the type to apologize for anything he says, but I think it costs him a lot of money. The Affleck gig was easy. Once a year, he goes in, he acts like a duck, and he makes a ton of donuts. He doesn't even have to say anything. But Aflac. All right. So I can add. I did an audition for it. Did you? Did you? It seems like everyone is being auditioned. Dude, did you try to sound like Gilbert? Or did you try to? Yeah, they said I wouldn't. I have only been on like five auditions in my life, and everyone's been a [ __ ] nightmare. You don't strike me as an auditioning kind of guy. The worst [ __ ] ever. So I go in, and then the woman goes, like, I go, "I just thought I have to say Aflac once, right? That's easy." So she goes, "Listen, um, create. I want you to create a story. Like that's what I want you to do. Like when you just think of the duck, be quizzical and funny, and then sarcastic, and then serious, and then sexy." And she goes, "Just create a story. Have fun." They all say [ __ ], "Have fun with it." No, this is my work. But if it's not fun here. So then, like, three seconds in, I'm like, "I want to get the [ __ ] out of here." So she left, and then there's this me and a guy with a hat. So I said, "Listen, man, let me just, I'll just say Aflac and get the [ __ ] out of here because, uh, you know, I only got so many [ __ ] moments in my life, right? And I've got a life to live." Yeah. So it's me, a guy with a hat. He's telling me how to say Aflac. I'm saying Affleck. I'm going, "I gotta [ __ ]. I don't have that many years left." It dawned on you that this is an actual, like, if a doctor told you had three weeks to live, you'd say, "God, I'm spending too much time being here." Exactly. It was such a genuine moment. When you were the last stand-up comic to perform on Dave's show. Sometimes, with the way you are, the way you carry yourself, I don't see you as an overly emotional person. And I was really moved, honestly, when you were the last comic to perform on Letterman. You went out and did a set, and then you turned to Dave and you said a couple of heartfelt things, and you were moved to tears. And I was really moved by that because I didn't know you felt that way about Letterman. And you were so complementary to him. And you kind of let down the, the comedy thing, which I thought was so strong because when you're doing stand-up, you know, it's false by nature. Yes. And then all of a sudden, you kind of opened up as to who you were for real. Yeah. And you showed Letterman how much you cared about him. I'd just like to say, I know that, uh, Mr. Letterman is, uh, uh, not for the Marcus, and, uh, he has, uh, he has no truck for the sentimental. But if something is true, it is not sentimental. And I say, unsure, I love you. Oh. And it was really genuinely moving. And I think it's because you feel like, wow. Well, also, it was accidental. I didn't go out there with that plan. No, but you wanted to say something. I wanted to say something. I didn't know quite. It was, it wasn't that, right? Um, it was some stupid thing I'd written, you know, that sounded just written and fake. And then when I started to say it, I was like, I was gonna say it. I'll just talk. You know. Did Letterman say anything to you afterwards? After the show was over, or was there no discussion of it? He whispered in my ear or something. But you want to keep private. Just keep private. As much as Saturday Night Live holds memories for me, and David Letterman, although I have no backstage, uh, experience with them at all, right? Just the things he's talked to me about in between commercials and stuff like that. I, I always felt so, uh, so close. I felt, I really felt like, um, the, the type of father figures that he was my father figure. Hey, you want to hear a joke from Mac? Yeah. It's about that, "Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." I heard that. So actually, it done really stated like, you can't, it's not even kill a person and then leave Vegas and as everything's cool, you know, right? So I, what I did was, I looked at that phrase. What it actually means is basically you can go to Vegas, [ __ ] a prostitute, and then she will not tell your wife. That's exactly, exactly what they're saying. You're saying not like those gossipy small town [ __ ]? You're saying where you come from? I'm saying that back at home, they're their blabbermouths. You're saying they're sitting in the beauty parlor going, "Oh, you're married to Hank Johnson? I [ __ ] [ __ ] on his face last time." All right, listen, we're having too much fun with Norm. We can talk to him all day. Yeah, I could go with you all day. You're easy. All right. Get some stiff signing. Sometimes they don't have anything to say. No. Is good. McDonald, everyone. Great. Norm McDonald. Norm, you are a genius.