Transcription
The two doctors that were there were going to go tell my family I was dead. He came to the house after I got well. You were gray. You were dead. And he said, "We didn't save you. What happened?"
[Music] Welcome to Prioritize Your Life at prioritizeyoulife.com. I'm excited to be here today with David B. Holt. As usual with me, I don't know anything about your experience. Uh I just have a a couple of close friends that said you have to get him here. And it sounds like it it felt right uh timing wise for you. So I'm excited to to talk and and hear all about your experience.
I'm excited to be here. I am. I couldn't always say that because it would have scared me, but doesn't anymore.
Yeah. All right. Well, yeah. I'd love to hear all about it. So, you ready?
Yeah. All right. Well, let's jump in.
Yeah, I always like to start out with my early life because without that it doesn't give you a barometer of really what happened and a ton of chaos in my life. A lot of really hard things. I was abused from a close male friend for several years. I mean, I'm talking from sexually to just physically, spiritually. And he said, "If you say anything, you know, we'll blow up your house and it's all your fault. you're you're being punished for these things." I was so confused by what things were.
And then I went on a scout camp. We went up one of those canyons that are the, you know, where they funnel into nothing and you can look up and there's 200 feet. They're beautiful. But we went I was with the scout master and we went up there and voice told me, "Dave, you need to run to the tree you saw. You can't wait." And there's five kids in the scout master and me. And he says, "You can't wait. you can't tell them. You You can tell them once you run to that tree and it was such a pure I knew the voice and it wasn't a booming voice, just a sweet voice. And I just picked a little the kids behind me and put them on the other side of me. That's how narrow it was. And ran to that tree. Soon as I got to the tree, I could hear like a whistle and like a freight train coming. And this wind was blowing so hard, it was like a hurricane. And then the water came and boulders and rubbish came. And I had climbed up high on the bank. It's the only place that widened out. And there was one tree that stuck out there. I went up there and I wrapped my legs around that tree. Told me what to do. And then I saw a kid shoot out just kind of shot towards me. And he came by and I screaming for him, "Reach my hand. Grab my hand." And it was so loud and and he I saw his eyes as he went by. I missed him by about 2 and 1/2 ft. And then he gurgled down in the water and I knew he was gone. Another kid shoots out and this kid I'm screaming harder to get. You got to swim. Anyway, kid after kid that the last kid that came, I screamed at him and I went out as far as I could on the tree and held on to the tree and he came by and I looked at him just like I'm looking you in the eye and I missed I I had to touched his his hand now and he he's looking I knew I was watching him die and and he wings by and then the scout master comes by. He's a big guy and he gets to me. he can we and he gets to me and I we him and throw him in the tree and he was spent and so I tied him in the tree with my belt cuz he couldn't sit there.
As fast as the water went up, it went down and I ran out to get help and as I went out there was a boot sticking out and I just thought it was a boot. I went to grab it and there was a foot in it. All the rest was under the dirt mud. I went down further and I could see some fingers and I mean it was so traumatizing. And so here I'd seen all these miracles, but I could do nothing to save them. I got nothing. And then I could never figure out God's there, but you let this happen and it's to me and you couldn't even I saved one out of them. And then I got a medal. They give me this metal and I took that metal home and I pounded it into oblivion and burned it and threw it away. Who gets a medal for what? People die. Why would I get a medal? And I mean, I buried that so deep. I didn't remember that for a long time. And and I just wouldn't wouldn't didn't want to deal with it.
And so things like that happened. I I would have these miracles kind of happen. And I had my in my life. I was I got married. I had two wives and both of them got killed. And so I have five amazing um kids that they had to have gone through hell and back with me. I had these amazing just unbelievable things happen and things that I knew God was there, but then I had these such traumatic things that I thought either I don't deserve them or I'm not worth it or too dumb to get it. And so I got I don't know if you say bitter, but I I was just lost.
I'm 65. I'll be 65 on the 8th of this month. And I got into drugs really late in life. I was 45, 50. And my wives um were taken and I was on my own. Uh what does a single man in the church? There's no none of it made any sense to me anymore and didn't work. And so and I was well, I was a landscaper, great designer. I had I had all the toys. Huge house, Corvettes, boats, big I had all the toys, all the things that should have made you happy, but none of that did much for me. And I I got into drugs. And it's funny cuz you just start down this little gate in the drug path. And I was just trying to numb myself, I realize now. But that spiraled me into such a horrible, horrible place. And I even my parents, family, everybody tried to get me right, you know, get me into rehabs and I'd be clean for a couple of years and then somehow I would get sucked back in. And each each time you go back in, you go in quicker and deeper and worse off. And so I was to the point where I didn't I lost everything I had. All all the money even even I was living with Sharan Michael again. My poor sister got stuck with me and I was I'd lie about every I was the best liar on the planet. I could sell you ice cubes if we were lived in Alaska. I stole from them. I stole guns. I stole hairirlooms of theirs. Everybody I did. My kids all called me Dave because I wasn't a dad. I I didn't deserve to be called dad. They called me Dave. And no one would have wanted to see me coming because I was going to take something. I was going to lie to them and just to see who I was and what I'd become.
And I then call it my destiny of the stop signal. God's stoplight. They put a new stop light in where I drove home and if you it was one of those you had to stop at the stop to turn and then wait till it went green. You couldn't go right on the they changed it to that but not me. I went right on through. So I got pulled over and I tried to lie my way to that but by that time I had like 25 warrants, bench warrants and things. Not anything violent or anything. more was drug paraphernelia and just stupid things. I didn't have a driver's license for like 15 years. I just kept getting tickets, tickets, tickets. So, it got to be where it was thousands and thousands of dollars on all these warrants and everything. And then it got to be where I was not bailable. They were going to make me deal with all I mean, there's so many of them. And I I was in every drug my drug debt was about 3,000 a month at least. I was baking pill paging and robbing to get that.
So I get taken to jail and the first day in jail my blood pressure was so high that they actually sent me to the real hospital cuz it was so high they were worried something was going to happen. On the way back two kids were my jailers or whatever that took me and they were flirting and I got out of the van. It was dark and I tripped over a curb and and I was shackled at my around my waist to my wrist and then my feet. So I had no way of catching myself. I just had to turn and hit the curb with my back. And I was laying there and another guard coming in for his shift picked me up and took me in. And and I shot it shot such tingles and stuff up and down my back I I couldn't walk. My legs would give out after that. And they all thought I was faking something or whatever like, "You just got back from from the um hospital. You're not going again." And they they knew I was on drugs and stuff, so they just thought a lot of it was withdrawing. And I don't want to get into too much of how horrible the gel is, but what you think it is is not what it is. It's as bad as any jail you see in a foreign country. You get no help whatsoever. None. And And I I hit so hard. I was black and blue from my shoulder blades all the way down to my feet. Black is black. And I had this big open sore on and and the they would even look they wouldn't even look at it. You had to fill out this kite thing. It would just have them look. Every morning they come in and say um physical trauma or whatever. And if you don't get there in time, they just walk out. And I had to fill it out, right? Well, they had lost my glasses at the hospital, so I could not see to fill it out. And I tried to fill it out. I went to hand it to the girl one day and she says it's not right. Tore it up and threw it in my face and I'm in excruciating pain. I didn't know at the time. I know now I had a heart attack. I I couldn't walk. I I walked into the gel, but now I had to have a wheelchair for them to get me around. And I I was sick. I was withdrawing. There's no question about it. I was showing up this black kind of bile and I had to crawl to the bathroom. And after being in there about 30 days of trying to get help, didn't get looked at by a doctor. No one would look at me. Nobody would help me because I couldn't fill that out right. And they'd say, "That's not my problem." And my family would come to even try to help, but they would tell them I didn't want to see them because I couldn't get to the window. So, they said I rejected their visit, which was all not true. And I I mean I was suffering and I I had done a lot of things. So I deserved to be in jail. I got all of that, but I didn't think I deserved to die in jail.
And so it got after being in there about 30 days or so. I I finally got to I was so upset and hurting so bad and I would I would get to if I stood up, I would pass out. And the crazy thing is the only compassion I got in there was from the the other inmates. The thing, the only thing that you can't tell what you're eating. They have to tell you what it is. And my bunkmate, his job in the in the uh cafeteria was to cut the maggots out of the potatoes and then we ate them. That's what's his job was. And I got food poisoning. So I if I smelt something coming, I would throw up. I lost 45 lb 40 45 lbs in there. I could not eat. couldn't. It was so god awful. And I finally got to be I was so weak and I told one of the guards, "Give me a bullet or get me help." So then instead of getting me any kind of help, they put me in the nut board house in the jail, which don't ever go the nut nut. You don't ever want to be in that part. And what that means is you get and there was a whole bunch of guards there and the nurses were there when they they put you in the intake of that. You get stripped naked. They do the cavity s all those nasty things. And that's when they saw the my wounds open and I can't walk and the big oozing sores and you're naked. And and the guy said, "Wow, look at that. Maybe we need to do something." And this was like 8 or 9:00 at night and she said, "Well, there's no doctor here. We can't do anything. I'll have to just wait till morning." And they just throw me in. It's a about a 8 by8 cell. It's a metal bed. It's freezing. There are no blankets. It's like you get this canvas thing that you those old time tents would be made out of that you can't gives you no warmth and it's so hard around you. You don't want to. That's all you have. And then you get bread and water three times a day. They're basically just punishing you so you'll never say you have anything mental again. So they don't have to deal with you. Best I can summize.
I'm sitting in there naked as a J-bird, freezing my butt off, sitting on this cold slab and thinking, is this what I have become? Is this what I am? I had been given so many wonderful things and and this is what I have become. And I was so mentally racked and just I had no one to help me. My family would have helped me, but they couldn't even get at me. And their best solution for me was to leave me in jail to where they at least knew I was safe, they thought. And it's what I needed. That's how bad off it really was. And everybody would have hoped that that would make me better or well, but if somebody had to bet it when I was able to ever get out of jail, if I would have been off drugs, not one person would have said because that's how bad I was. They all had tried many times rehab everything that they possibly could and it got so bad that I I'm s I prayed and I prayed and I said, "God, you owe me nothing. Nothing." I said, "I mocked you basically my whole life. I had everything. I saw you. You owe me nothing. But please, please just let me die." I said, "This is hell. Hell cannot be worse than this. Please just let me die. This square head wouldn't go in that round metal toilet thing to even get that done. Couldn't even get that done. And I don't know how long I prayed for. I was freezing. And sick is sick. And And I I'm praying and and I'm I I can't get I Have you ever been where you can get no help? There's no man that can help. There's nobody that can help you. And I had done it myself. I had ruined my life. I had ruined every person that would love to help me. I had made it impossible. And I hated me. I wanted nothing to do with me. And I'm sitting there thinking, "How did you let this happen? How did you go from that to this?" And I'm just praying and I'm praying. I was physically, mentally, spiritually tormented. Tormented. And I could have had it so much different, but I didn't. And I'm sitting there praying and praying and praying.
And all of the sudden, my dad is there. And my dad had been dead for seven years. And he's right in my face, you know, just like you and that close. And he tells me, "You look like crap, Dave. You really look awful." And he said, "Your mom's waiting outside, but she couldn't even stand to see you. Come in and see you. You look so awful. She's dead also. And he said, "We worked really, really hard to get you in here." Honestly, I was pissed. I was thinking, "Can you not I'm on death's doorstep." And he was telling me, he worked really, really hard to get me in here. And he said, "We tried so many ways to help you. All of us did. We did everything we could to make you help get you right, help you figure out your addiction in your life, and you wouldn't have it. You wouldn't do it. There's nothing you would have. And he said, "This is kind of it. This is your choice. And I'm here. I know I love you. I know you can do this. I know you're better than this. That you were made to be much more than this. I know you can do this." and he said, "I I will leave now, but you you can get better." And as he left, he left.
And as I'm sitting there just praying again to die cuz I was so sick and so wrecked, I got hit with a beam of light that was like a pointer, like a laser light. And I looked and it hit me right kind of on the head. And and it was hot. It was going to burn as it got hotter and hotter. And as I looked at it, before long Christ was there, Christ himself, not not in some vision, not in some dream. The Lord himself was right there, this this close to my face, and he's looking at me with those eyes that just go right through you. And and he looks at me and he says and I and I knew it was Christ and I said, "Why would you come for a piece of crap like me? Why would you come here for me?" And he said, "Dave, I've been here the whole time. I've just been waiting for you to accept me and look to me and for you to fulfill what I know you can be and what I built you to be. I made you. I know who you are. I know what you're to do and I love you. I always love you. And he said, "I know things look really bleak. I know you have no hope. It was I was hopeless. And you don't think you're worth anything, but I think you're I know what you're to do. And I knew you would have these lows. And I sent you angels. I sent you the elite of God to be around you when you were weak to carry you so you could make it to where you and and I by then I was at least free of the drugs. And and I I I would and I was at my knees and I was just grabbing his ankles. I could see his wounds and his feet. I just said, "I'm too I'm too far gone. I I you" And he says, "I know what you've done." He said, "I know why you did what you did." And he says, "You can be saved through me, and I know you can do this, but it's your choice. You can choose to have what you have and live what you have or you can ask for help and you can be one with me and us together can make your life be the most unbelievable thing that you can't even imagine what that would be. And I told him, I'm done. I I won't do another drug. I'm done. I don't want to be this. I I don't want I know I can be better than this. and and I'm done. And then I caught myself and I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lord, I'm promising you something. I don't know that I can promise you because I really have tried to beat this and I don't seem to be able to do it. I I have tried." And he says, "I understand." And he says, "You're going to have to do it my way this time, not your way. You're going to have to do it with me." And he said, "You can't do it the normal David B way where you tell everybody what they want to hear and then smooth them over and then go do whatever you want. That's not going to work." He says, "You're going to have to ask my help." And then he said, "You and I together can defeat this and make you whole." And he said, "But you you do what I demand." He said, "I don't expect you to be perfect." He said, "I built you. I know you. You will never you won't be perfect one day in your life." He said, "I don't expect perfection. What I expect you to do is to try and you try with all you are. And when that's more than you can do, you ask and I will make up the difference." And he told me to to get up, to rise. And I was looking at his his eyes are the most they see right through you. And to me they were blue-eyed, but he was in his robe that you would think he would be in. And he's smiling kind of the whole time. And then this is the most amazing part. If you think it could be greater than that, he took his hand and he put it inside my body. Not over my heart like you do the flag pledge of. He grabbed my heart inside my body. He grabbed it and I'm thinking, Lord, whoa, you tell my heart couldn't beat. It couldn't for that. And he grabbed it and he says, "Your heart's broken." And I thought, "Broken heart, contrite spirit kind of thing." And he said, "No." He says, "Your heart's broke." And he says, "You've also had a change of heart." And he said, he said, "Stand up." He said, "Your sins are forgiven." which was so amazing to me that he would take that and knew that I was done. And he said, "Sin no more. Go forth and do good and you ask and it will be you and I together from now on." And he said, "You remember that?" And he said, "I will see you again shortly and I will make I will prepare your path. Just have faith and ask and I will prepare your way." And then he took his hand out of my heart. And then he he the same way he came in, he went out.
And to me, it was only moments later that the doctor came in. It was uh morning. And uh the doctor came in and he saw my wound, my my big bruise and the big and and he looks at me and he says, "What the happened to you?" And he said, "Who beat you?" I said, "No one beat me. I fell, but they wouldn't give me help. I told him all these things." He looked at the nurse and he says, "This is not how" and he's got all these cussing and said, "This is not how it's supposed to work." He said, "How can you c all this?" And then they took my blood sugar and my blood sugar was so high it wouldn't read, which means it was over 500. I didn't know I was diabetic. And then my blood pressure was so was like 70 over 40 or it was really low. And he said he needs to get to the he needs to go to the hospital and not the way we take him by ambulance. he needs to go and he needs to go now. And you see different doctors in jail. It's the only time I saw that doctor. I don't know who he even is. But sent me back to the hospital again. When I got there, they're all she shackled and everything again. And I got in there and they soon as they found out what I was, they cut all my poles off. And I've got IVs in my knees, my arms, and there's all these people running around and they doing these tests. And then there's a little oriental doctor there. And she could overhear the radio cuz they're right there. The guards are with you all the time. And I'm still shackled to the journey. And the guy from the jail is saying, "Well, when's he coming back?" And they said, "Oh, I think they're about done." And she got on that radio and just blistered the guy. said he's on death's doorstep. He's and my when I got there my bottom number was like five and the top was he says he's at death's doorstep. When you brought him here he's now mine. I will tell you when he's coming back and it won't be soon. So tell your baboons to take the cuffs off. Where's he going? He can't even walk. He's going nowhere. Tell him to go in the corner and sit there and shut up. And they did all that. And I I don't know what they found. I I know they did a thing in my back and I needed to have something done to my back. And I was taken to intensive care, was there four days and then in the hospital another couple of days and my family knows nothing. They won't tell them. But that saved my life just cuz I ate food that was food and was taken care of. cuz I don't I think that was my last night if the Lord wouldn't have grabbed my heart and and if I hadn't have made the decision to change and I actually got well.
I went back to jail. I was in jail the total time 40 days and 40 nights which is kind of crazy but it wasn't wonderful when I went back there but I knew God had me. I no longer cared. I knew everything would be okay. I saw Shirley and my sister came and we got to talk. The miracle part about that is the Lord had to touch your heart. You know, they wanted nothing to do with me. The Lord told me when he he said, I told him, "No one's going to believe me. No one's going to believe a word I say. I wouldn't believe me. They're going to say it's just some story you I I don't even dare tell the story. No one will believe me." And especially I meant my family. I didn't mean like this. And he said, "I'll never forget this." He said, "I will tell them. I will be the one that you speak." He says, "You can't even muck it up." He says, "I will tell them that it's true and they will know. And the ones that need to know, I will tell. Those that do not believe or do not hear, it's on them. It's not on you." He said, "You'll know when to open your mouth." And how she knew that I was done all of the sudden and they got me an attorney. There's money all that involved to get me out and how he had to touch the right people and even the attorney and even the judge, even the prosecutor. I got out on my it was a miracle how I got out. All these things that I didn't think would ever be solved were solved and they they knew for some reason from the judge prosecutor to my attorney knew. He said, "I've been told lots of stories. This is my attorney." He said, 'I know when I'm getting, he says, but for whatever I know you're sincere that you're done. I'll do everything I can to help you. And he really did saved my life.
So I now I get released from jail. Who do I go back to? Who do they release me to? My jailer, Shirley. My same sister. Her and her husband take me back, which is a miracle in itself that they would even shouldn't have. and they helped me get all of those things taken care of. But then about few months after that, I get these really weird nasty sores on my finger, just big open wounds. And her husband's a heart surgeon. He um and I and I called and showed it to him and he says, "You need to get to the hospital. You got something wrong with your heart." I'm going, I could I didn't understand. He's the smartest man I know. He really is an amazing spiritual man. her husband and he's funny thing it is you get in rel he's a Catholic and all none of that matters it just matter how you know God how that all evolved is amazing no nothing's by happen stance but I go to the hospital and the nurse they're going to send me to dermatologist comes and says well my husband thinks it's this this and this check and they check my heart and they said oh you're not going anywhere and I end up having to have six bypasses I had a hole in my heart and a bad valve and I'd had a heart attack. They didn't even know if my heart was viable to even have surgery. He had saved my life again. So, I get I got Mercy in the hospital, too. So, I'd get better from all of that. I end up going into surgery after everything I got stable enough. And I'll never forget as I was going into surgery, I I asked the Lord, "Am I good?" And he said, "Yeah, I'll be there. I got two. Don't worry about it. I I will be there." And it's funny because people say, "You talk to the Lord." And I go, "Yes, I talk to him like we're talking and I hear him." Ever since he I didn't always in my whole life. I was the worst, you know. I I never heard anything. And I had to do it myself. I was horrible in so many ways. And so he told me, and he didn't have, but I remember the nurse, it was a male nurse before I went in there and he told me all these things. And he said, "I'll see you when you come out." out and I says, "Are you sure?" And he didn't answer me. And then he did something else and he said, "I'll see you when you come out." And I said, "Are you sure?" He did not answer me. So I was I was nervous going in, but I I go into surgery and I was in surgery for eight and a half hours with two different surgeons because I was so complex. And I didn't know all that even. I didn't worry about it because I knew the Lord had me. I was no longer He had me. I didn't have to worry about it. And Tranne had me so I could have been in better hands.
So I'm in s I come out of my body during surgery and I'm It's the most crazy surreal thing. You look down and it's you see this guy with his chest all open with these metal things and and the two doctors were saying he's in trouble. We've got to balloon him. That's how dumb I am. I thought they were going to make me a balloon heart or something. I didn't get what it was. Some Anyway, and then I looked to the right of me again and there's my dad again. Good old dad. And he told he looks at me, he says, "Get in there, you nutad. Where do you think you're going?" Just like the day he would have the day he died. I get goosebumps from that one. And he he said, "You can go for a while. You can go to see your mom, your sister, and others. They can you need to learn some things, but you have to come back. You have no choice." My kids were in the waiting room. I went through the wall. You just go through the wall. And I told my kids where they were sitting. There was a lady in there that my grandkids were acting up. I told my daughter what book she was reading, the character in the book, and the page in the book. because I was over her should freaks her out like they don't even like to hear that. And so I saw what was happening there. And then I went back and I I call it my transport. And it was like this I don't a bubble that was just kind of a little bit bigger than me, but it just engulfed me. And it was the most comfortable ride. And I could see all the way around and I could see up. But before I knew it, I was going fast. Just upwards. Not in a tube, just shooting. I was really bright and white, but shooting through this blackness and then I smacked a bigger orb than mine, like I call it a bus. And I hit it hard. I smacked it. And I thought, I'm going to get a ticket in heaven. I've got one everywhere else in my whole life. I got to get one in heaven. And then I get out of it just it just dissipates and I'm there. And the people on the bus, I knew. And what took me up, I could tell there was a higher power. I could tell there was an intelligent pull in me. And it was the most amazing feeling. But one even asked me if I wanted to go dance with her cuz I said, "Well, no, I don't think I should go." And then my mom was there. And and my aunt aunt Lois was crippled my whole life. She had spinal whatever her whole life. And she said, "Look, no crutches." And she sticks out her arm. says, "Let's run." And she just ran and left me. And then my sister had to come and get me. Said, "At Lois has a good go button, but not a very good stop button." And took me back to where we were. And then as I'm there and everybody there doesn't talk like we are. You don't use your m It's like a download to your heart and it's very quick. And then my dog Walter, my lab, I loved him. I cried for a month when he died. He comes running up to me. So this and Walter tells me, "I love you. I've missed you. I'm your pet and I will be your pet forever and I can't wait for you to get here for reals. But you know you got to go back. But when you get here, for sure I'll come find you and I'll be yours forever." And and you know you have to change in or you won't get back here. And then he just trots off. But I'm kind of amazed by that whole thing.
And then it the streets really are gold. Their gold is perfect gold and their colors are so vivid. Their the lawn I'm a landscaper and a gardener. I'm looking at that like who did this? I thought I could be a gardener in heaven, but I'm not that good. And and they even smell they they gave you life. You would take these deep breaths like you do when you're at the dentist to try to get rid of pain from laughing. But it's feeding you. the plants are feeding you and the lawn's feeding you and you're you're trying to get more in and more in and you can tell from each plant that they gave you some of them their own life for you to live to to be fed and there's a love transaction in there that's hard to even describe and you know you're surrounded by love and loved ones like love I've never felt before and I'm walking up I call it the whole path and I see aunts uncles but they're all 30 every my grandpa 30 my grandma 30 one grandma came up to meet me and she says you've never met me before I'm your dad's mom you were I was gone before you were born I just wanted to meet you and say you know they all told me certain things that I needed to change and that they all had faith in me and they knew who I was and that I was I needed to go back and fulfill the promises I'd made before. And then she said, "Um, you look so much like your dad." And I said, "Yeah, dad's pretty good-looking, wasn't he?" And he said, "Oh, you're a character." And then she went off to my grandpa. And then my uncle Ed comes riding up on his horse. And he's like, my uncle Ed was kind of like horse Hos cart ride if you know the that big guy. And he comes up and he hops off and his horse looks at me and he said, "I'm Snap." I go, "Okay." And I I was so un used to all that. And then my aunt Thelma was at the far she now Ed you know you can't spend time with him talking just tell him what you got to and leave. And she he says I'll take the time you just hold your horses and say just like the day they left. But they were all 30. And when I got back and was well I went to a reunion and my cousins were there and I asked him does uncle have a horse named Snap and they just started crying. They said, "How would you know that? That horse was dead before you were born." He said, "Yeah, he had he was a contankerous horse and he would grab anybody that rode him besides Uncle Ed and bite them with their teeth and yank him off the saddle. Wouldn't let him ride. Only Uncle Ed." They said, "How do you know him?" I said, "He's the most arrogant horse I've ever met." And and they just started laughing. They said, "Well, I have to." It's funny how the Lord gives you these things to come back with so they know it is what it is.
And then I saw so many different people. But as I went along further, I it was kind of a narrower area and there were these gates that went through and they were huge huge gates and they were solid gold and I could hear singing but I not so much singing. I could hear classical music like Beethoven and I could hear that all the time and I could see little over the next ridge I could see things being like the best thing I could guess is that was people being sent to earth. I'm not quite sure what that was about. But as I went to go through those big gates, I saw the Lord standing there again. And the Lord's overwhelming. There's a physical presence that it's not just a spiritual or uh it's such an intense that I don't have the words to tell you what that is. It's not that I won't can't I just don't I'm not smart enough to tell you what that is, but it's the most intense feeling and intense feeling of love that you've ever felt in your life. And then I'm walking through the gates and and then he puts his hands out like this to show me his w and and I know who he was. I was on my knees again and he said, "Please fill my wounds and I was taken back by that like I I don't need to I know who you are. I don't need to I I know who you are." And he said, "No, please please my wounds." And so I got up and as soon as I touched the wounds on his hands, I instantly knew the pain and the suffering he had to take for me. Just me. That time in jail when I couldn't take it two seconds longer. I was so done. I I was so spent that he made whole that he readily took for me. And I I only had to take it for a few seconds. And he said, "I didn't do that to show you my pain. I didn't do that to boast." He said, "I did that to show you how much I love you and what I would do for you." And what that was just a small part of me telling you your sins were forgiven that I took for you. All out of love. Everything that I have is through love. Everything my father's is from love. Everything that is made whole is by love. And there's some things that happen then that I won't share that that it's sacred to me. It's sacred to anyone. And I won't mock God. It's not something I share. I'm not saying that because I don't want to share it. I'm telling you that because it's so precious and sacred to me what I was saw, what I was given and things that I sought to come on the earth and the things that I needed to do, things I had promised I would do. He he he had to show me what I promised to do and what I needed to do. And if I didn't do it, no one else could do it. And he had built me and made me to do this. He said, "I know you can do this. I made you to do this and to walk with me." And again, he said, "When it's greater, I don't expect you to be perfect. You won't be perfect. And I don't expect you to do any more than what you're to do. But you and I have no limits. There is no silly to what you and I together are. You are who you are. But you and I together is not the same person as you. And if there's anything that you need to learn, it's that and to ask. I cannot help you unless you ask. You summarize all the time, I'm just going to take care of you or be there for you. You need to ask me and I will be there. And I really realize that's so I can build a relationship to now where I talk. And I spend enough time now when I pray, I take as much time listening, not saying a word as I do praying for him to tell me things. And it's changed my life in so many ways.
And I remember telling him, [Music] "Lord, I'm stupid. I'm dumb. I I can't do what a kindergarter can do. I'm I I've done all these horrible things to people I love and ruined so many things that I can't fix. I can't fix this and I've screwed it up so bad and I'm stupid. He said, I'll never forget. He said, "What you think are your strengths, I look at your weaknesses, and what you think your weaknesses are are your strengths." And he said, "Remember what I told you. You by yourself are what you are, but you and I together, nothing is impossible. And you will see things." And and your brain, what you call stupid, was built so you hear me and built so you hear the angels of God that are said, things that surround you, things of the earth. You'll hear that so-called stupid brain. And never call yourself stupid again. and I loved you so much. I gave you that bride. I built that for you and I know you. And he said, "You'll always have the choice between evil and good. Satan also knows who you are. Satan knows what you're about. Satan knows what you mean to me and what you're built for. You will be attacked and and your whole life. You'll have things that are difficult and things that you're going to need in my only through me and us together will you withstand them. But I will be there and I will give you again the elite of God to help you and be surrounded by you'll never have to do it alone. I can remember my mom coming and saying, "Does he have to do this?" and then and my dad come in right behind her and he said, "Surely we'll be there with him and of course he'll do this. He promised he would do this and then I'll never forget my dad dealing. Why would you want to take that away from him?" And she said, "It's so difficult and hard." And I could see why my mom wouldn't have faith in me in ways cuz I was a character. I was and and the Lord said, "I will be there." And then he laid his hands on my head and he says, "I'm going to give you the gift of discernment." He said, "It's the greatest gift I can give you to go back with." He says, "I" and he blessed me with discernment and that I would see see evil where evil was and it could not hide from me. And part of my calling to go back was to to eject evil from the earth. And there's other things that I won't say and it's not I'm always so afraid that I'll come across to be negotistical or holier than thou and I never mean it to be like that. I know the Lord. It's almost like I told the Lord, you took the worst person to have to build this around and that's me. And then you've got a lot of work to do cuz there's me and there's you. you're going to have to do you're going to have to be the bus driver or the uh every part about it.
And he said, "I love you." And he, and then he again, he put his hand on my heart, only this time on the outside, and he said, "I will be there. I will always be there."
And then he says, "You need to go now. But always remember the love you felt here, and it can be there at a you ask, and it will be there."
I walked down, and I saw my mom where my transport, I'll call it, was. And my mom was there with infants. It's the only time I saw any infants. Everybody else was 30ish. And there were like 20 infants, babies, just. And I, and my mom wasn't a great babysitter. And my grandma was there, and my aunt Lois, and my sister Raiden. And I go, "What are you guys doing with these babies?"
And my mom said, "These are very close relations of ours that their mothers miscarried them, and they're waiting here for their mothers to get here, and they won't get a day older till their mothers get here to raise them." And I knew that had to be important for her to show me that. And I really realized since then, I've told many women, I just say it, and they'll break, break down and say, "I always thought that I was wicked or did something wrong to have that happen."
And it's totally the opposite, because those children did not even have to come at all. They were so perfect that they weren't had, didn't have to come to be tested. But that, that mom had to be perfect to hold them in their womb. Her heart had to be perfect. And it actually was a great gift of God to let them be. And they earned it. You don't. It's some gifts are given from God. Many things you bank, you earn. And you, I tell my sister all the time, well, you bank that in heaven. It's almost like he has to give you that 'cause you've done all these wonderful things. When you need help, you take that out of deposit of the blessings you've, you've made. That's why he can bless you. And I just know that was very important.
Then my mom says, "You've got to go now. You can wait no longer. There's many other things up there that if you had all day, I could tell you when I tell you there's that's all a download." I realize we only have the capacity to understand God's God, and he has to dumb it down. I even told that to the Lord when he was giving it to me, because it's nothing by mouth. When you're telling people, you have to say the truth. You've been taught your whole life to manipulate with your words and to manipulate what you got. You cannot do that here. You have to say exactly what you mean, and they have to get exactly what you mean. It can only be truth.
And then he said, "Never ever lie. Not even a little white lie to help someone. A lie will fall apart always. Always build with truth. Figure out a way to say it that is positive and truth. Never a lie." And I realized I get these downloads all the time since then.
And then my mom says, "You can't wait any longer. You've got to go back, and you've got to go now." I said, "Are you going to ride with me?" And my, she said, "No, I can't ride with you, but I'll meet you there." And then I was engulfed by that same transport. And now I'm going back to Earth. And as I'm going back to Earth, it's getting heavier. I'm feeling heavier and heavier and colder and colder. And my mom and Aunt Lois said, "We'll, we'll be there for you. It's going to be painful, and it will hurt. You'll wake up, but we'll be there with you."
And as I got back to my body, I got out, and my mom's there. And the last thing my mom told me was, "Learn to enjoy physical touch. You won't have that for a long time. So enjoy physical touch." And then she said, "And enjoy pain." That took me a long time to figure out what that meant. I, I realized that through pain and refinement is how we find God in many ways and find ourselves. And I finally realized what she meant by that. And she says, "We'll be there with you."
And then my dad was standing there, and he says, "You can't wait any longer. You got to get in now." And there were two beings standing just watching over my body. I don't, not quite sure who they were, but they were, well, they're looking down over me. And he says, "You can't wait another second. You got to get in now." I went to jump back in my body. And how do you get back? I've never done that before. And I'm in my body, and I'm looking, and I'm looking down. I could see my dad above me. And they were the two doctors that were there were going to go tell my family I was dead. They'd been trying for 40-something minutes to get me off the bypass. They tried several times. In fact, the doctors, he came to the house after I got well. He came to the house to see me. He said, "I need to know what happened." He said, "I know what death is. I know what death looks like. And I know you were gray. You were ash. You were, you were dead. And he said, "We didn't save you. What happened?"
And I'm a, I'm just a smart aleck. And I just said, "Well, hell wouldn't take me. God didn't want me. So, I had to come back." But I just said, you know, I know you saved my life, and I owe you a lot. And I, but I had things that I needed to have done, and I had to come back. And he said, "Well, I have to believe you because we didn't do it." And I even told him something about his father then that only he knew, and he was so blown away, he cried. And then he said, "I, I, I believe everything you said because there's no other way. You were just there. You were just back."
But my dad, when I got in my body, I'll never forget this. I'll never forget his fingers. He went to my heart, and he went, made that sound like that in my heart went. And then I woke up in intensive care. And I, it's funny because when I woke up in intensive care, I couldn't wait to tell Shannanne. I had to get it out as soon as I could. I didn't want to forget it. And then I would talk to my mom and my aunt and my sister, and they, I'll never forget because she said, "We'll be there for pain." And I said, "My neck and my hurt so bad." And she, and my, my mom said to me, "I will wipe your brow, and I'll rub your neck, so you're better." And I could, I couldn't really feel it, but everything got better. Like when she told me that. And she said, "You, you will get better, and the Lord will bless you to do those things."
But I would see them, and they would even be there. And, and the nurses would come and say, "Who are you talking to?" And I would say, "My mom." They'd say, "Wasn't she dead?" And they say, "Yeah, but to me, that's normal." And I don't want to go, and we could be here forever because since then, there are things that have happened to where I've been told to go do things for people that only from God were they given these gifts. It's for people that need the other side to tell them things or help, or just to give them encouragement. There is hope. I can promise you everyone out there, there is a God, and he knows you, and he cares. And if you just ask, you have to ask, but you'll find those things. But you have to be sincere, and you also have to be trying to live a good life. You, he can't help a person that isn't trying. Doesn't mean you need to be perfect. Just like I, if I'm not an example that anyone can be brought back from the precipice of hell, 'cause that's where I was, to be whole and to be given wonderful gifts.
I just want to give, if you're in addiction, if you're in pain, if you're in, it doesn't matter. He'll, he'll take that for you and turn it into wonderful things that you cannot even imagine. And what he has done for me with my family, my kids. All now I've been able to amend those. They call me, they call me dad, which is a miracle that is worth everything that I went through. And what a gift from the Lord. Those things are what matter. Money. I, I don't care about money or anything like that anymore. I really don't could care less. Toys. I care more that I have peace, and that the Lord can walk hand in hand with me, and it's okay, and I could be a tool for him, and that's what, and, and it's never ending. I realize my, that's the start of what I was to do, and the miracles just pour out. It's just unbelievable what has been given to me, and I can't thank the Lord enough.
All you have to do is decide who you're going to follow, who you're going to let drive your bus. Basically, I have to do it very simple because I'm simple. And he'll pour out the host of heaven. He'll pour out the heavens for you if you just try, and you try every day. That's all I'll ever ask. And even how he made it to where I can be believe. It's, it's shocking to me how I can be made better. And that's what I share my story. It's not for anything more than to give hope, and, and for anything more that there is a God, and he loves you, and he knows your name. He knows you and knows what you need. All you need to do, but is to ask and try, and you'll find unbelievable gifts for you. And I hope this, if this helped one person, I would be thrilled. So, thank you so much for letting me share my story.
Well, mission already accomplished, 'cause I, you helped me a whole bunch with, oh, thank you, all kinds of messages and thoughts and things for me to take into my own life. So, I can guarantee you're going to help a lot of others. And I try to kind of really, uh, be in the moment and ask the questions that I feel like really like I'm, I'm being told to ask. And I think you probably answered, uh, the biggest one, which I was going to ask. There are a lot of people dealing with addictions and, uh, faith problems in particular, too. Uh, it's really hard for people with everything that's going on in the world to even believe that there is a God, and they maybe they're, uh, maybe they have addictions or whatever the problem might be. Um, and so I was going to ask you what you would tell them, but I think you just did. I think you, I think you just said basically, uh, you kind of have to make that decision and kind of let go and let God drive the bus, right?
Yes. And, and what I instead of, "Why did you do this to me, Lord? Why this or why that?" I now ask him, "What am I supposed to learn from this?" And I also, insurmountable things. I've done the whole, all the different things to get out of drugs and what, and what a lot of, and I, and I do help classes and stuff, and people will say, "Higher power, the higher power." They don't even really know what that is, but they've never even asked or even tried to find that. And I realized I had no shot at ever being whole without the higher power. And once you just let him into your life, you can't see the forest for the trees there. But you look, I look back, and he, he was my guardrail so many times, and saved me and protected me so many times, and then sent me the right person, exactly the right time. And I can tell you miracles of me being sent. Tell you one really quick, and I, I won't be long.
Love to hear it. But I, I'm going home, and there was a, the Lord, this is how he talks to me. And this happened, this is one of many. And he said, and I was tired. I was overwhelmed, wanted to go home and go to bed. And he said, "You need to go to the dollar store." And he said, "When you get to the dollar store, you'll know what to do." And I said, "Okay, whatever." Usually I'd always have to say, "Well, what for?" or "Whatever." And I said, "Okay." But I didn't. I went and I got in my bed, and I'm laying in bed, and it was just like an earthquake shook my bed, just like scared me. It almost rolled me. And he said, "Did you not hear me?" I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry." And I heard him. Threw my clothes on. The dollar store was only two minutes down the road. I went down to the dollar store, and he said, "He's not going to be in the front. He's back in the kind of wooded area." And I knew what that was. It's the drug where you buy drugs. I've done it. Been there. And I, that's where crazy things happen. And I said to, I'm not going back there. And then I remembered the bed, and I said, "No, no, no. I'm sorry, sorry."
And he told me, "Take $20." He said, "He's not going to be out there asking for anything. You'll know when you see him, and you'll know what to do." I went back there, and he was in his sleeping bag. And I called him by name, it just came out. And he said, "Yes." And he came up, and he just said, "Well, who are you? Can I help you?" And I said, "Yes, the Lord sent me. You, the Lord sent me to you, and I had to come right now. I don't know why, but he told me to come, and I came." And I said, "I'm sorry I'm not better looking or better looking woman or something that might be more pleasing to you, but I said the Lord sent me." And he just came up, and he wrapped his arms around and just started sobbing and crying. And he just said, "I had just prayed to the Lord." And I told him, "I just need to know you're here. Just need to know you're out there. That you even here, you exist. That's all I need to know, and I'll fight on. If not, I am done. I'm ending it."
And he pulled his jacket back, and he had a pistol in his waistband, and it was a revolver. And he pulls it, and he opens it up, and there's one bullet in there. He said, "This is, this was for me. This was mine, and I, I was done. This was it tonight. My family hates me. Everyone hates me. And I have no hope. You know, I just needed to know he was there, and you showed up. And not only that, you called me by my name. I don't know who you are." I said, "The Lord knows your name. The Lord knows who you are, and he knows your strife. And he, I said, "Can I please have your bullet?" I have his bullet in my house. And I said, I gave him just what I knew about. I said, "If you go halfway with your parents, even the brother that you think hates your guts and will do nothing for you." And he said, "I didn't tell you I had a brother." And I said, "The Lord doesn't need." And I said, "Just put yourself in his shoes. You, you've hurt him." And, and you need to try. If they just, and if you could just be honest, even if it's not the right answer they want to hear, if you would just be honest with them and try to meet them halfway, your life will change."
And he says, and I, and I said, "Here's $20." And he said, "Did the Lord give you that?" And I said, "Yeah, in a way, but he told me to give it to you." And he said, he was so overwhelmed. He got on his knees, and he was going to try to, he started like, try to kiss my. I said, "I'm not God." I said, "I'm just a messenger." I said, "I've been where you are. Pro, I promise you, and you can change, and you can be so much more, and you are so much more than you think you are. Do you promise me you'll try?" And he said, "I have to. I know there's a God." And he expects me to. I says, "Yep, you're right."
And I drive by every once in a while, and he waves me down on the road, and he tells me how he's made progress. It's not perfect. He even had a girlfriend, and he made said I couldn't date her until she was off drugs, 'cause I got off drugs the next day. And he said, and I'm in a little halfway house thing that's mine, and it's not perfect, but I'm getting better, and I have a much better, even with my nasty brother, he, about it, but he said, but he's even so much better. Everything he said has come true, and I thank you. And then he said, "Well, where do you preach?" I said, "I'm not a preacher." I said, "I'm just like you, a guy." And he said, "I think you should try to find God. I think you owe it to him to find him. And he'll change your life with that." And I see him, seen him like three or four times since then. And you can just tell by his countenance and how he is. He's so much better. And it made me realize when God, God calls, you don't go to bed, you go.
And I could, I could tell you so many stories that are amazing like that, but then just reinforce that all you have to do is give a little of yourself. And then if you can just hear him, it will change your life. The Lord has timing, and you have to be able to. That's why you have to have that open so you can listen. And it will only work when he's ready and prepared the way. That's why you have to have that relationship with him. And judge not that you be not judged. There's so many flare things I can go into, and I don't want to sound like I'm know-it-all. But I don't want to ever sound like I'm egotistic or I know what I was and what I am, and anything that is good of me. Mine's minuscule, but the Lord's is immense. And I, I pray for all of, I can see it out there how many people are hopeless and wandering and looking. I just pray. I promise you, if you'll just put in effort to find God, he'll find you back. He found me in a jail cell trying to kill myself in a metal toilet. He'll come to where you are. I promise you that. So, hope that helps.
Thank you, David. You bet. Such a pleasure to meet you. Beautiful message. I don't think you'll ever understand until you look back and see all the people that you'll help. And I hate to say this, not morbid, anyway, but when you pass, all the people through this that you've helped will come to you then and say, "You helped change my life." So, good on you. Thank you. Yes. God bless you.
[Music] [Music] Heat.