Chapter 2 Defining Your Poly

Chapter 2. Defining your poly. What would you say you do here? Bob Slidel, Office Space.

[ __ ] up. I don't want to ruin the vibe by talking about it.

Chris and Anna are an attractive couple in their mid-30s. Both are actively dating other people, both together and separately, but don't care to explain or describe what they're doing. When asked by lovers how they identify and what they're looking for, they respond, "We're just having fun." and would prefer to keep things light by not diving deep into labels or conversations about relationships.

Yet, they can't understand why they continue to burn bridges and lose lovers and find themselves avoiding certain parties and venues for fear of running into one night stands gone arai. They often ghost people after dates rather than opting out via discussion. And as a result, they have built a reputation in their community as a couple that uses people for sex.

Chrisina's situation is incredibly common, particularly early on. However, as the ENM community is still relatively small, approximately 15 to 20% of the US population, word travels fast. It pays to know a bit more about yourself upfront so you can support others in deciding how to interact with you.

Definition can be helpful. Knowing how you define yourself, your relationships, your interactions, and being able to understand when someone else shares their attachment style, erotic blueprint, or love language can support you not only in understanding yourself and how you might best interact with this other person, but also in giving you both a shared language with which to relate.

The lexicon for polyamory can be complex. So, consider this chapter to be a bit of a terminology guide book. It is certainly not complete. A Fulsome dictionary can be found online but can serve as a starting point for your conversations with others.

Identity versus lifestyle. You are what you believe yourself to be. Paul Coelloo.

Polyory can mean very different things to different people and comes in many flavors. To start, we can categorize one perspective as identity versus lifestyle choice.

Identity. For some, polyamory is an intrinsic part of who they are. They can't imagine living life any other way.

Lifestyle choice. For other, it's something to try on, explore, or enjoy during certain seasons of life. They could take it or leave it.

Neither perspective is wrong. However, it is beneficial to reflect on this early on and check in with yourself periodically, knowing that your perspective can change as you change.

How do I know if Polly is an identity for me? For most, it begins with a moment, an event, a conversation, or decision that leads you to declare, "I'm not monogamous." For me, the signs were clear from an early age. I cheated on every partner I ever had. Fidelity was a struggle I couldn't conquer, and I hurt a lot of people in the process.

From the time I had my first serious sexual partner at the age of 20, I realized I didn't want to be confined to one relationship. After getting engaged and ending the engagement at the age of 20, I was terrified enough to reject the notion of commitment altogether. Consequently, I embraced a promiscuous lifestyle from the moment I began having sex. I was always polyamorous. I just didn't approach it ethically until I was 33.

That year was pivotal. I had just been sued for fraud in my business, which had fa failed spectacularly and publicly. I was broke with a tarnished reputation in my hometown and moved to San Diego with no job, no stable place to live, and less than $100 in my bank account.

Upon landing in San Diego, life took a turn for the better. I found a new job, discovered a new career path, and became immersed in the swinger community. For the first time in my romantic life, I felt a sense of authenticity. I realized I could be 100% honest and still embrace my inner [ __ ]. Until that moment, I hadn't believed it was possible to be both open and true to myself. From that day forward, I knew I was not monogamous.

Navigating this dating scene as a single woman in Southern California was challenging. Men either wanted to lock me down or weren't interested in anything serious. Finding a compatible partner was tough, but I remained committed to my polyamorous identity until I met my husband. I remember telling him on day one, "I'm a wild horse. Please do not try to tame me and I will love you deeply." This was my way of sharing that I could not change who I was and that he'd be dating a polyamorous woman for the long haul. Now, 11 years later with a six-year-old son, I'm proud to say that he's respected my wild spirit and that we have a deep and fulfilling love.

I'm not Polly anymore. This [ __ ] is a personal one. After several years of trying an open marriage with my husband, I was convinced that he didn't want to be Polly and decided that I would declare monogamy. I reached out to all of my lovers to let them know that I was switching over and I would no longer be a poly be Polly in support of my marriage. With my lover's full support, I marched my way into monogamy without my husband asking for it, only to find myself miserable. I become became agitated and resentful until finally my husband said, "Enough. I didn't ask you for this and I don't appreciate your resentment for something I that clearly is not you." So I reached back out to all of my lovers to apologize and came back to myself.

The [ __ ] up isn't in choosing identity or lifestyle. The [ __ ] up is pretending to hold one view while secretly hoping for the other.

The lifestyle option. Is polyamory a lifestyle choice for you? Maybe you just want to have more sexual experiences or enjoy a different kind of excitement like Chris and Anna. Many people enter open relationships or lifestyle benefits, whether that's attending a play party or taking pole dancing lessons. ENM can be an appealing lifestyle choice, and it's relatively easy to transition into and out of.

Being polyamorous can also be fluid. I'm poly now, but if I had a monogous partner, I could adapt. There's nothing wrong with treating life and treating this as a lifestyle decision. Many begin viewing polyamory in this way, seeking something light, fun, and maybe sexy.

However, it's crucial to to communicate your intentions, especially since some view polyamory as an integral part of their identity. I didn't start off that way. I began seeing Polly as something I wanted to try on, a fun adventure. I saw sex as cardio. Over time, however, this view evolved into one of my more one of my core world views. Now, it's central to my being, something I hold dear and defend fiercely.

If I'm in a relationship with someone who approaches life this way, it is helpful for me to understand this upfront as it clarifies how they view me and the potential for our relationship. For example, my husband sees polyamory as a lifestyle option. He's an introvert and would be perfectly content with just me. I often joke, "Fuck my life. My husband only has eyes for me." And he retorts, "Fuck my life. My my my wife wants me to date lots of beautiful women." The difference in perspective here created a challenge for us early on as we were motivated differently. Therefore, it's essential to take an inventory for yourself and for your partners to clarify which path you're choosing.

Exercise. You don't need to pick the right answer here. You just need to know yours. If choosing to become poly is an identity for you, admit that. You may need partners who share that worldview or at least respect it. If it's a lifestyle, own it. Be clear that this might not be forever, and that's okay. If you don't know yet, say that, too. Honesty beats posturing.

Give it a name. Words are the most powerful drug used by mankind. Roger Kipling.

How do you define your unique perspective on polyamory? I have had hundreds of conversations on this topic and have more than 50 consistent partners in my polyphere, a community that includes more than one molecule. We were just talking about how we define polyamory yesterday.

[ __ ] not following protocol. Enrique and Abby had been open for several years and were accustomed to dating separately. They met Sasha and Penny at an event and felt an immediate attraction. They connected among the four of them and had great chemistry. Enrique then reached out to Penny to ask her on a date, but then both Enrique and Abby were ghosted. They came to find out later that Sasha and Penny identify as swingers or lifestyle and only play together.

Because they had not communicated clear definitions upfront, they violated swinger protocol without knowing it by contacting one partner independently. There are many definitions for ENM available, and it is easy to trip over confusion or lack of understanding protocol. So, I've created an online dictionary that will continuously be updated so that you can start to think about how you want to define yourself.

Key terminology for the purpose of this chapter includes ENM, ethical non- monogamy, a relationship style that allows for consensual romantic or sexual relationships with multiple partners, emphasizing open communication and honesty. This is the most generalized term for opening a relationship viewpoint.

Swinger. A person or couple who engages in sexual activities with other couples or individuals, often in a social or party context without necessarily forming romantic attachments. Typical protocol for swingers includes that they generally only play together unless one party has a hall pass. It's best to ask about this upfront.

Polyamory, the practice or philosophy of engaging in multiple romantic relationships with the consent of all parties involved. This term indicates that you're seeking multiple romantic partners, not just sexual. Typical protocol for poly is that they often date separately but have defined agreements for how they do so. Ask about this upfront as well.

Within poly, there are several different definitions. Hierarchical poly, a form of polyamory where some relationships are prioritized over others, often designated primary and secondary partners. Primary partners often have some control over relationships with secondary partners.

Networked poly or kitchen table poly, a style of polyory where individuals have multiple partners who may also be connected to each other in a web of relationships.

Parallel poly, a form of polyory where individuals have multiple partners who do not interact with each other, maintaining separate relationships.

Relationship anarchist. An individual who believes in the freedom to form relationships without predefined norms or hierarchies, often rejecting traditional relationship structures altogether.

Lover, a term used to describe a romantic partner, often in a more casual or non-committed context.

Partner, a term that refers to a significant other in a romantic relationship, often implying a level of commitment greater than that of a lover.

Single, a term describing an individual who is not in a romantic relationship or committed partnership, but does not define themselves as poly or monogous.

Solo poly, a style of polyamory where an individual engages in multiple relationships while maintaining independence and prioritizing their own autonomy.

Don't ask, don't tell, often abbreviated as dadd. a relationship agreement or dynamic where partners agree to not inquire about each other's romantic or sexual relationships. In this arrangement, individuals may be involved with multiple partners, but they choose to keep their details of those relationships private.

Polycule a network or constellation of interconnected romantic relationships. It visually represents the various relationships among people in a polyamorous setup, illustrating how individuals are connected to one another.

Exercise. Consider the following and write out your answers. Are you simply single or solo poly, parallel poly or hierarchical? Will you call any partner a primary partner, anchor partner or nesting partner? Do you think of your other partners as constellation partners, comets, lovers, or friends with benefits? Will you give titles like boyfriend or girlfriend to additional partners? Are you looking to engage in light uh and fun sex with others? Or are you seeking multiple deep loving relationships? As you become more clear regarding how you define yourself, it is helpful to communicate this with potential partners to open a dialogue. You aren't stuck with these definitions, but they can provide a framework that can help you with the expectation setting early on.

Envisioning your ideal poly life. What does an ideal poly lifestyle look like for you? Do you envision a setup where you have one anger partner and then multiple lighter lover relationships? Or are you looking for more than one deep committed loving relationship?

Playing a different game. Johnny and Sarah had enjoyed a swinger lifestyle for several years and began dating independently. Johnny was happy maintaining light, emotionally unavailable sexual encounters. However, Sarah began dating one person more consistently and fell in love. Johnny asked her to end it because he didn't feel comfortable with her loving someone else. Now she now is looking for only one additional partner outside of her marriage and Johnny is unhappy with that structure as he wants her to keep things light. She has tried to do it his way but finds herself over consuming at parties just to get in the mood. Something feels very off to her.

It is impossible to know now what you might be looking for in 5 years. But it is helpful to think about your ideal long-term setup and to communicate this with your current and potential partners. It is possible, however, to play two different games as long as your both partners agree to do so. Trying to fit yourself into a mold that is not authentic for you will not last forever.

Exercise. Try considering these questions early on. Do you want to keep things light? How do you feel about falling in love with someone else? How would you feel if your partner fell in love? Are you interested in colllocating with multiple partners, living in an environment with several loved ones, or do you prefer a more traditional living arrangement? How do you think about family? Do you want kids? If so, how do you envision children fitting into your polymerous lifestyle?

Common definitions. It's also important that you take some time to build out common definitions with the others that you're that are in your policle or your unified group of lovers. If I call my husband a primary partner and you call yours an anchor partner, are we clear on what that means? If I share that I'm open to sexual relationships but not romantic ones, what further detail might you need to ensure understanding? Do we have the clarity that we need to align on where we stand with each other? Have these conversations with your partners and with your polyules as well so you can come to a common understanding if not a common definition.