Transcription
Hey, hi everyone. My name is Jerry Wise, and today I want to talk about growing up with a narcissistic upbringing; reasons you struggle to ask for and receive help from others.
First of all, I've been helping folks for over 45 years to help them get their family of origin out of them so that they can be their true selves. And today, I want to talk about the struggle we have to ask for and to receive help. First of all, your needs were neglected when you grew up. And if you grew up with a narcissistic parent, your needs are going to be neglected, probably probably ridiculed, diminished, ignored. There are all kinds of adjectives and and verbs. And so now what happens is we end up neglecting me and my needs; you end up neglecting you and your needs. And so it's very difficult to ask for help because I don't focus on my needs, or that I might need help. Sometimes we absolutely do not feel inconvenienced so many times when other people ask us for help. But if I ask for help, then I'm sure I'm inconveniencing whomever I'm asking. But yet we don't feel that way when someone asks us for help, but we feel we're inconveniencing others when we do that. Our needs are a burden. And and again, people can always tell me no, they can't help; they have the freedom to say yes or no, and I have the freedom to ask, and it's okay.
Second of all, your needs were shamed and ridiculed. And how did this program you to view your needs? Guess what? We end up shaming or ridiculing our own needs. And so we will over function so that I can avoid ever needing someone's help. I've got to make sure I over function so I never need to ask for help, and that's a burden that's ever so difficult to carry.
Thirdly, we were infused with the belief that others people's needs are always more important than our own. Our emotional location was positioned for us so we would be other-focused when we grow up, rather than rather than self-focused. And that's a part of emotional location in an emotional system of a family, a workplace, a a church, a mosque, or whatever group we are a part of. Those relationship systems; we come with a certain emotional location, and that location will be, if you grow up with a narcissistic parent, that you'll be other-focused, not self-focused. And so we tend to be other-focused in our own family; we become other-focused in our family of origin; we become other-focused in our workplace; we become other-focused in our church or religious organization; we become other-focused in our community, help and support and groups and clubs we're a part of. That is our emotional location. And one of the things we want to do is change that emotional location. And you might ask me, well, Jerry, how would I do that? I like to do that; take a look at the program that I have uh mentioned Down Below in the description. I really think that would help you with that. Road to self is a great program; take a look at the test testimonials. Never do I put a fake testimonial up, and never will I. These are people who, that's exactly how they felt, and that's exactly what happened to them in this process. I really think it would help you to change your emotional location, which will change how you are impacted, change how you live, and change how you be yourself. Because if we are other-focused and not self-focused--I don't mean self-focused like the narcissist; that's self-focus to a hypertoxic level--I'm talking about self-focus that's healthy self-love, self-compassion, self-care, that kind of focus. If we are other-focused rather than self-focused, then this sets us up to have no self, and that's what we need; a road to self. We need to find a way to our true selves, and getting the family of origin out of us helps us to find our true selves. We want to break the chains of the pain, the power of the narcissistic family on you, and find your true self and your true self's power and your true self's peace. So I think please take a look at the program below. I think you'll appreciate that and enjoy that very much and learn a great deal from that.
So what can we do now if that's the case, if we don't can't ask for help or or receive help from others? First of all, stop neglecting yourself or your needs. People say, well, I don't know how to stop neglecting myself; I don't know how to stop my needs. Let me give you a tip: it's not a how question, it's a when question. If you want to know about asking the right questions again in the program, I talk about asking the right question questions, which is so important because we want to ask self-focused questions, not other-focused questions. And I talk more about that in the program, and it really is healing to do that. So stop neglecting yourself or your needs. There's only one person who can stop neglecting you, and that's not me; it's not Joe; it's not Mary, your neighbor; it's not your parent. The only person who can stop self-neglecting you is you, and that you have the ability to do. I didn't say it was easy; I didn't say it happened overnight, but I do believe it is a when question, not a how question. Now there are ways in which we can get to the when, and in other videos I've talked more about that.
Secondly, by not asking for help, what role does that play in your family of origin and with your friends and with your uh relationships? Because that plays a certain way in the emotional system; it's a part of your emotional location again. And part of my emotional location is I don't ask for help; that's a state, that's an emotional state, a mental state. And then I bring that to relationships; what role does that play in the relationship, for example? And one way to find out what role it plays is to envision the reverse of that. If I did ask for my own needs, if I did ask for help, what would happen in my relationships, in my family of origin, with my friends? What would happen if that if I were to do that? I didn't say excessively do that; I said in a healthy way, ask for help and asking for your own needs. And if it cannot be tolerated ated in any way, then you may want to reconsider those reconsider those relationships, because it's going to keep you in the same emotional location you've always been in, and we want a new life; we want a new location.
Thirdly, when you focus on your needs, you may feel shame; you may feel guilt; you may feel very awkward when you focus on your needs, because it will feel so foreign. And again, that's not your emotional location. The emotional location of your narcissistic parent is they ask for their needs from everyone and expect it; that's their location. Our location is, oh my gosh, I don't do that at all. So we want to be able to balance that, bring some balance to that in which we do focus on our needs or need for help and asking and receiving help. But this shame, guilt, and awkwardness, though normal and common--I'd say common, normal, not saying it's normal, but it's common--these are systems feelings from your family of origin, super self, which still flows into your emotional system and in within you. And that those feelings are not your true feelings; they are the feelings of the family WiFi and super self to keep you in your everpresent location. Those feelings are there so you will keep staying like you are, but they're not how you really feel. Because if I ask someone for help, hey, I got to move this Saturday, could you help me move? And they go, well, I just don't think I can do that, I got kids to, and now I feel ashamed. Is that real shame, or is that family shame or sister shame? I didn't do anything shameful; I simply asked someone if they could help. If they can't, then they can't; that's okay. And it's okay if I ask. It's only shameful because those are the feelings that have been programmed into me growing up, and those are systems feelings. We can work on changing those; begin to view those feelings as alien, fake, and not not your true feelings. Many therapists believe that all feelings are equal and they should all be given the same equal attention; good luck; that's probably why you're stuck. Because we shouldn't give them this; they are not the same. If I hurt you and I feel shame, that's probably a healthy true feeling that I'm having, because that's what shame does when we hurt someone. If I ask someone for help and they simply are not available and I feel shame for asking them, have I done anything to hurt them? Not at all. So the shame is a fake feeling; it's it's a systems feeling; it's an alien feeling. And I don't want to take that as being totally true. I'm not saying I don't really feel it, but I'm saying that's not my true feeling; that's a feeling I have learned, and I wish to unlearn that and see how fake it is. I've got 400 free videos for you to take a look at. We have coaching available on my website; there's a life-changing program I've listed, Road to Self. I hope that you will subscribe to this channel, comment on this video, like this video, share it with other people. I want to thank you for watching and have a great day.