Transcription
The moment the handcuffs clicks, she screams. It's not a loss of control. It's not dysregulation. She's screaming. Emer >> She's trying to put them in this moral fog where she confuses tries to confuse them into thinking that they're the aggressor. All the while using their [crying] instinct to protect females. That never lets up. Not for a second. Note the next shift, right? Strategic regression. She starts to call for her caseworker like she's a little like she's calling for her mother. So, it switches in pitch.
I want you to try and imagine a person. This person demonstrates a profound disregard for other people's rights and boundaries. Operates with a complete lack of regard of empathy for those they hurt. Their primary mode of engagement is manipulation and deceit. And they use their wit and their performative charm to to gain a leg up to con others for personal gain. This is a creature of impulsivity, of risk-taking, unable to keep a long-term uh job or a long-term relationship. Chronically fails to plan for the future. When challenged, they pivot to aggression and violence and showing a disregard for safety that borders on the criminal.
Now, most people will hear this and they will imagine a man. And that's because this behavior maps perfectly onto the diagnostic criteria of the classical antisocial male predator. But if we adjust the criteria for the female expression of the same traits, if we start viewing impulsivity as high-risk promiscuity, if we change violence to also mean reputational damage and false accusations, if we view deceit to also mean the performance of the seductive female and the reckless regard for safety to also mean those who threat to hurt themselves, then this picture maps perfectly on to the borderline female, the female predator. We've no problem viewing the antisocial male with caution and give society a warning. >> Your path will kill again. But if we are to view the borderline personality disorder as the female analog of antisociality and I think we we should and I'll explain why. Then the same logic should apply. It must apply. So we'll always view the borderline as a patient and we'll we'll always hear things like well you can't diagnose someone who doesn't go to therapy and she she if she doesn't feel any subjective suffering then it's she's not a borderliner. But again, we've no problem calling a male who doesn't go to therapy antisocial and they are a part of the same cluster, the same category in the DSM. So why shouldn't we say this is borderline behavior? And I think there are several blind spots clinicians have that prevents us from treating borderline as we treat antisociality. Uh one of those things is manipulation. Would we we won't hear clinicians use the word manipulated when they when they talk about borderline because they they see manipulation as this cold calculation that they don't believe borderliners are capable of. But we have to remember where borderline gets its name. It was borderline psychotic. And that refers to the emotional outbursts, the rages, the tantrums they throw. >> [screaming] >> But if you observe this person before and after this psychotic break, the picture becomes something different. And I think manipulation is exactly the word we should use.
In this video, I'm going to show you I'm going to show you exactly what I mean. This was this is a 21 minute video where you see the sort of functional antagonism. Perfectly. You can see the action systems shift. This is of a woman, a young woman, 18-year-old called Deja, and she her her case worker has called the police because she she spent the day uh running errands with Deja in the car. And now Deja refuses to leave her car. She refuses to get out. And she says she doesn't have any money. She doesn't have anywhere to go because she allegedly spent her monthly check on in one weekend and she's already been uh arrested for battery on an officer. So, she has this parasitic life story where she just she's relying on the state for resources. Uh she's uh relying on all these other participants in her life and and sort of leeching off of them. And what you see first is the this arrogant dominance that she tries first. The dominance frame. >> She sits in her car. The officer arrives. >> What's up? >> What's going on? >> Nothing. >> Nothing at all. >> I'll talk to you later. >> All right. Okay. But I know you're 18. >> I know you're 18. >> I'm not 18. You got that wrong. >> All right. How old are you? >> Doesn't matter. >> How old are you? >> How old are you? >> Doesn't matter. >> All right. What's your name and date of birth? >> Why? >> I have a lawful reason right now to identify who you are because you're not getting out of a state vehicle and they requested me >> get Okay, then you get the out of here and get the away. I'll step out of >> She's showing entitlement. She's saying get away. She's using her hand. She's testing the officer's boundary. She's testing the fence. Will he move when I do this? him. >> I'll step out of the way, but you need to start unbuckling now. >> No, you need to back the >> I'm telling you right now, DJ, you're not in charge right now. >> No, I need you to back up and respect my space. >> Okay, I'm not in your space. I'm telling you right now. >> Get this. >> All right. >> So, go ahead and start now. >> And now she switches to weaponized therapy speak. So, I respect my space. I don't feel comfortable. Instrumentalized vulnerability. She isn't actually afraid. She's she's using modern safety language as a tool to sort of paralyze the officer's ability to do his job. Praying on his protective instinct. Anything to remain her sitting in the vehicle and getting him to leave. >> I'm out. >> All the way out. Get out. All the way out of the vehicle. All the way. Go over there. >> Step over there. >> No. >> Step over there. Away from the vehicle. Deja. I'm only come back. I don't >> when I when I come back to me. >> Don't put your [ __ ] hand in my face. >> You right now. >> Don't touch me and don't put your HAND IN MY FACE. >> AND NOW IT SWITCHES to active antagonism. She sees the boundary holds. He's not moving. And the mask slips. Had the officer just walked away, there would be no switch. Right? And that's the manipulation. It's not a disregulation that's bound to come on no matter what. This is um this is a a fight for dominance over the situation. But the woman and the man fight in different ways. And this is this is the moment, right? This is where the psychotic break begins. This is sort of the tactical tantrum. >> Out of the CAR in the car. I told you don't get in the car. >> The moment the handcuffs clicks, she screams. It's not a loss of control. It's not dysregulation. She's screaming my head. She hurt her head. She's screaming my head. >> MY HEAD ON MY HEAD. >> She's trying to put them in this moral fog where she confuses tries to confuse them into thinking that they're the aggressor all the while using their instinct to protect females. That never lets up. Not for a second. Note the next shift, right? Strategic regression. She starts to call for her caseworker like she's a little like she's calling for her mother. So it switches in pitch. >> Can I leave? Can you I'LL STOP FIGHTING BUT CAN I >> NO. No shame, right? There's no shame. This is the antisociality. I would never scream like this because I care about social norms, right? I care about what people think about me. She only cares about effective [clears throat] dominance, about the outcome. And now the complete refusal of accountability. She's sitting in the in the car. She's sitting in the in the police car and she starts litigating. She's no longer screaming psychotic. That didn't work. So now she's calling them monsters. I mean, she's trying to press charges. I don't know who she's calling to press charges. This is the the post tactical refraraming, trying to control the narrative. I'm a borderline victim. I'm a They're abusers. >> I want to press I want to go to the hospital. >> Despite her being the one to attack the cops, >> she was the whole time trying to make the arrest emotionally and socially expensive for the officer. So, we have to start viewing the borderline rage, the borderline tantrums as equivalent to the antisocial male using his fists. They're always trying to establish that effective [clears throat] dominance in the room. And by that I mean the the person who controls the emotional temperature in any room is the one who has the ultimate control. And now in our society, that is really the only remaining form of control, right? You have people walking on eggshells cuz they're so afraid of what you're going to do, what you're going to say, how you're going to ruin their reput reputation. And a [clears throat] borderliner is always willing to go the furthest. So they will always have that control over you. And there are a couple of ways that they signal this willingness. And this is where I want to get into the scars on the arms, which is a sort of a telltale sign of the borderline woman. They very often have scars from cutting or other sort of scars from harming themselves. And clinicians, they see this the the scars on the arms or the scars as a [snorts] sign of internal pain. This is the only way they can express their emotional pain. They don't know how to deal with it another way. So therapy for borderliners is very much about how they can express that in another way. But there's a different way to view this. I think if if you manage to look past the female vulnerability that they want to blind us with and that is as a permanent warning system through the lens of costly signaling theory. These scars are function as a tactical deterrent. The scars communicate if you do not comply with my emotional needs. I am capable of extreme violence starting with myself. This is the female equivalent of the huge bald biker in the bar with hate tattooed across his knuckles. What she does here is that she shifts the moral weight of her own safety onto you, onto the observer, onto the male partner. The scars signal that I'm a victim and if you make any attempt to hold me accountable, you will be bullying a traumatized person. That is another way of viewing those scars. And so, as a male partner, you don't you're no longer an equal in this relationship. You're a hostage. You're a crisis manager under duress. It's not to say that she doesn't also have internal pain. I believe that this emotional pain they're feeling is uncomfortable, but that doesn't justify what they put everyone else through. We have to make them agents, not just patients.
Similarly, and now I'm going through how I think modern therapy and psychologists their their blind spot in relation to borderline or why we just refuse to hold them accountable. And it it starts with the way that we view the symptoms different from how we view the antisocial si symptoms. Like they are one of the same diagnosis just one is has the female expression and the other has the male and so the next is the identity disturbance element. This is very central to the borderline diagnosis. This [snorts] can also be viewed as a strategic lack of identity because listen to what happens. It's a tool for deceit because if you have no fixed self, you can become whatever the target needs you to be during this first acquisition phase. This is where you would see the ideal woman, the seductive archetype. And she is promiscuous and she does anything. She says anything you need her to say so that she can secure a caretaker. It's also can also be seen as mate poaching. It can be seen as resource acquisition. And during this um this mate acquisition uh she will use your protective instincts. You will hear stories of her abusive ex-boyfriends or her alcoholic father uh or her abusive father or and her neglectful mother. It is it is very typical. It, you know, she uses the male biology against you. And [snorts] so, and once the target is secure, the mask slips because the the cost of maintaining the mask is too it's too high. So, the attractive phase, it pivots into the psychotic stranger. Oh my god, who is this? And um and that's of course the moment she's challenged or like we saw before, the moment a boundary is established, a psychotic stranger. And this is where this identity disturbance becomes a form of manipulation because you're then in a a fog of war, right? Who am I dealing with? You can never truly pinpoint uh her character. And so the resulting state is this intermittent re reinforcement that keeps you addicted to the good version. I want her back. And this ter just terrified of the bad one. And that's why it's so disappointing to me to see clinicians to see modern psychiatry [snorts] treat borderline women with such naive. It's so naive to simply dismiss promiscuity. Very I mean it's very empathic. It's very empathic as just um impulsivity, right? Impulsiveness. Yes. Oh, she's promiscuous. It's it's selfharm instead of seeing that it's a manipulative force and they characterize them as immature. It's immature and it's an immature way to seek validation and they're seeking validation because they want to soothe a broken attachment system which is responsible for this chronic emptiness which is another central tenant in the borderline the chronic emptiness. So this is all they're just dismissing um a very manipulative force as something as simple as just impulsivity or chronic emptiness with no regard for who gets manipulated, for who is at the receiving end of these forces. And because we simply label them as patients with they're broken inside, you know, they just need the right kind of therapy. This is parasitic success, right? They've just made the environment just slim pickings for their taking. But the only difference between the borderline and the antisocial is the instruments they use for their personal regulation. The the borderline woman, she simply uses the language of the heart and she commits the same thefts as the antisocial man, just he uses the language of force. And when a man when we label a man antisocial, that doesn't invite compassion that it acts as a warning. We tell the world that he shows a stable pattern of violating people's rights. Nobody asks a victim to locate a male predator's behavior in his childhood pain or expect society to simply organize life around his inner suffering. Nobody does. I think we are incentivizing so much dysfunction by labeling personality simply sick. Right? It is it's a matter of character. If we stop calling borderline women sick, we're I mean feminists wanted this all along and I agree with them. Feminists claim that we're pathizing female behavior, right? I completely agree. We are we're stripping them of agency when we do the when we pathize their characters and they desperately seek equality, right? Isn't that what feminism always wanted? Equality. So here this is equality viewing borderline women the same as we do antisocial men viewing the damage they cause similarly.
I'm going to do a larger series on borderline. This was the this was the beginning. I'm going to go into why it develops nature versus versus nurture. I'm going to in this series try to cover everything you wanted me to cover as we disc as we discussed in the community post on the on the psycho babble YouTube channel [snorts] and I'm really going to try to get into every single issue. So this was the start this was going through how we should start viewing the borderline uh diagnosis. So I hope you tune in for the next part of the series.