Transcription
Listen, I admit I wasn't the best partner in the past. I invalidated and dismissed her feelings. I unintentionally neglected her, and I've told her that, okay? And I'm changing, and I'm being a better partner now. And it just feels like, like she doesn't appreciate the positive changes you're making.
Yes, exactly. She admits I'm doing the right things, but she still says things like, "We'll see if it lasts." I mean, what am I supposed to do with that?
You validate it. Validate what? The pain that she experienced before when you weren't a good partner. This isn't about forever labeling you as the bad guy. This is about you taking a step towards maturity and awareness by admitting that you messed up in the past, but you want to make things right in the present.
How do I do that? By holding space for her pain and actually inviting her to share how she felt in those months or years where you unintentionally neglected her emotionally and physically. She needs to know that you don't want to sweep those things under the rug. She needs to know that you want to understand what it was like for her.
It's normal to feel like if we let them express those negative feelings, then it's going to snowball and make things worse, right? Yeah. But what we actually find is when we acknowledge their anger and seek to understand their their pain and validate their feelings around the situation, that that's the fastest way to process and move forward. Anything else keeps you stuck in the past.
I never thought about it that way. She's essentially giving you an opportunity to say, "It sounds like you don't trust me, and that makes sense given the hurt you've experienced."
Has she ever heard you say that? No. The fastest way for her to trust you again is for you to be intentionally consistent about following through on your word and providing a safe place for her to be honest about her pain. Anger is healthy. It means she still cares. That doesn't mean criticism or contempt or name-calling is okay. But holding space for someone to be angry about a legitimate pain that you unintentionally caused, that leads to healing.